We’re celebrating Autostraddle’s Fifth Birthday all month long by publishing a bunch of Top Fives. This is one of them!
Hello enormous group of humans currently tuned in to this website! It’s me, Riese, the weirdo who thought making this website would be a good idea. I made this decision five years ago with the help of my trusty business partner, Alex Vega, a designer with incredible vision and dance skills, and since that time we’ve descended slowly into madness and loved every other minute of it! FIVE YEARS IS SUCH A LONG TIME. As we’ve discussed recently, we’re currently growing super-fast, averaging about 1.3 million unique visitors a month — for comparison, the first month we measured unique visitors (August 2009), we got 25,000 of ’em.
Obviously your fifth birthday is a very big deal, which is why we’re going to be celebrating ALL MONTH LONG. Here’s how:
- Because “five” is such a gorgeous number, we’re really gonna immerse our brainspaces in that number by publishing a Top Five or two every single day.
- We’ll be re-posting some gems from the archives to introduce new readers to past glory
- By the end of the month we will be launching our Premium Membership Program, Autostraddle Plus, which you should all be really excited about! WE ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT IT.
To kick off this celebration, we’ve dug into our Google Analytics account to look at some of the most popular posts ever published (most popular = most pageviews) over the last five years! These definitely are not necessarily our BEST posts, just the posts with the most hits. We’ll be finding other ways to introduce you to our best work, but in the meantime we would suggest looking at 24 Incredible Personal Essays We Published in 2013, The Most Underrated Posts of 2012 and 2010’s Best Posts As Chosen By Autostraddle Writers.
Top Five Most Popular Posts Ever Of All Time
1. How To Have Lesbian Sex for the First Time: NSFW Sunday Special, by The Team (2011)
2. Ten Hot Lesbian Movie Sex Scenes for NSFW Sexy Sunday, by Riese (2010)
3. Flawless Trans Women Carmen Carrera and Laverne Cox Respond Flawlessly To Katie Couric’s Invasive Questions, by Mey (2014)
4. How To Own It: The Queer Grrrl’s Guide To The Galaxy, by Gabrielle (2012)
5. Ellen Page is Gay: Ellen Page Comes Out, Makes Best Valentine’s Day Ever, by Riese (2014)
Top Five Most Popular Queer City Guides
Top Five Most Popular Top Tens Of All Time
1. Ten Hot Lesbian Movie Sex Scenes for NSFW Sexy Sunday (2010)
2. Top Ten Queer Movies That Don’t Suck (2009)
3. Top Ten Lesbian Fashion & Style Icons (2009)
4. The L Word’s Top Ten Best Sex Scenes Of All Time (2009)
5. Top Ten Instances Of Open and Unapologetic Celebrity Cultural Appropriation in 2013 (2013)
Top Five Most Popular Lists Of Things Numbering Between 10-100
1. 22 Kickass Queer Women Who Came Out in 2013 (2013)
2. 15 Ways to Spot A Lesbian According To Some Really Old Medical Journals (2012)
3. 14 Lesbian & Genderqueer Tumblrs To Watch (2009)
4. The Lesbian Insiders Guide To 40 LGBT-Friendly College Campuses (2011)
5. The 21 Most Lesbianish Cities In The US: The Autostraddle Guide (2012)
Top Five Most Popular Lists Of Things Numbering 100+ (Besides Hot 100s)
1. 150 Years of Lesbians and Other Lady-Loving Ladies(2012)
2. 100 LGBTQ Black Women You Should Know (2014)
3. The Alternative Autostraddle Hot 105: Hotties You Will Like Who Also Like Girls (2013)
4. 100 Best Lesbian Fiction & Memoir Books Of All Time (2013)
5. 100 Ridiculously Hot Lesbian & Bisexual Women (2010)
Top Five Most Popular Posts With “Weirdo” In The Title
1. Why Taylor Swift Offends Little Monsters, Feminists and Weirdos, by Riese (2010)
2. Movie Review: “Room in Rome” Features Lesbian Sex and a Bunch of Weirdo F*cked Up Shit, by Riese (2011)
3. Coming Out As An Amorphous Weirdo, by Stef (2012)
4. 10 Lesbosexy Valentine’s Day Things For Weirdos, by Riese (2012)
5. Top 10 Special Weirdo Things I’ve Done Since My Very First Break-Up, by Lauren (2014)
Top Five Most Popular Dating & Relationship Articles
1. Your Completely Queer Guide to Horoscope Hookups, by Kate (2013)
2. How to Pick Up Chicks: A Lesbian Guide To Getting Girl-on-Girl Action, by Katrina (2009)
3. Texting Your Ex-Girlfriend in Five Easy Steps, by Lizz (2012)
4. How to Date Girls: 10 Simple Rules For Properly Courting a Lesbian, by Sarah Hall (2010)
5. 8 Steps Every Girl Can Take To Get a Girl To Sleep Over, by Riese, Laneia & Taylor (2010)
Top Five Most Popular Sex-Related How-Tos*
*not including posts on the “Top Five Most Popular Posts Of All Time” list
1. How To Have Lesbian Sex 102: Cunnilingus Edition, by Ali (2013)
2. Bondage 101: How to Tie Someone Up, by Carolyn (2013)
3. You Need Help: Real Talk About Your First Strap-On, by Ali (2013)
4. Lesbian Safe Sex 101: The Doctor Is In (And Also, The Cartoonist), by Taylor (2010)
5. You Need Help: Double-Ended Dildos, by Ali (2013)
Top Five Most Popular Coming Out Posts
1. Ellen Page (2014)
2. Jillian Michaels (2010)
3. Michelle Rodriguez (2013)
4. Lori Lindsey (2012)
5. Brittney Griner (2013)
Top Five Most Popular Galleries
1. 100 Hot Sexy Curvy Models & Celebrities (2010)
2. 50 Adorable Lesbian Couples Having Adorable Lesbian Weddings (2012)
3. 50 Queer Women With Outrageously Good Hair (2012)
4. Lesbians Take Girls To Prom: We Have a Gallery For That (2010)
5. 100 Ridiculously Hot Lesbian & Bisexual Women (2011)
Top Five Most Popular Posts In Which A Reviewer Really Hated A Movie Despite Popular Opinion
1. Blue is the Warmest Color, by Kate (2013)
2. Black Swan, by Julie & Brandy (2010)
3. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, by Julie & Brandy (2012)
4. Spring Breakers, by Brittani (2013)
5. The Dallas Buyer’s Club, by Eleven (2013)
Top Five Most Popular Personal Essays
1. Fat Booty Butch Wears Leggings, Confuses World, Confronts Self, by Gabby (2013)
2. I’m a Trans Woman And I’m Not Interested In Being One Of The “Good Ones,” by Vivian (2013)
3. Butch With A Side of Misogyny, by Kate (2013)
4. I Had Facial Feminization Surgery, by Olivia (2013)
5. How To Leave Your Husband (Because You’re a Lesbian), by Laneia (2012)
Top Five Most Popular Interviews
1. Lori Lindsey, by Lora (2012)
2. Hannah Hart, by Taylor (2011)
3. Laurel Holloman, by Jess R. (2010)
4. Nikki Weiss & Jill Goldstein, by Jess R. (2012)
5. Jennifer Beals, by Jess R. (2010)
Top Five Most Popular Posts With “We Won A Thing” In The Headline
1. Same-Sex Marriage Passes in New York, 33-29! We Won A Thing!, by Riese (2011)
2. We Won A Thing and So Did You: Autostraddle Sweeps Bloggies 2012, by Brittani (2012)
3. We Won A Thing: You Can Get Married in Utah and New Mexico, by Yvonne (2013)
4. We Won A Thing: UK House of Commons Votes To Legalise Gay Marriage, by Sawyer (2013)
5. We Won A Thing: Judge Rules That You Can’t Take The Same-Sex Marriage Out of Texas, by Yvonne (2014)
Top Five Most Popular “You Need Helps” That Aren’t About Sex
1. You Need Help: Being The Visible Femme, by Lizz (2011)
2. You Need Help: Requisite Crush On a Barista, by Laneia (2011)
3. You Need Help: I Feel Like We Would Like You If We Met You, by Laneia (2011)
4. You Need Help: Your College Roommates Are Homophobic Assholes, by Rachel (2011)
5. You Need Help: When Your Girlfriend is Abusive, by Riese (2012)
Top Five Most Popular Craft Projects
1. Galactic Leggings, Dresses and Accessories, by Gabrielle (2012)
2. This is a Hold-Up: Make Your Own Suspenders, by Laura (2010)
3. DIY Underpants, by Hansen (2013)
4. Cassette Tape Wallets, by Hansen (2012)
5. Hollowed-Out Book, by Hansen (2012)
Okay now it’s your turn to tell us your favorite kind of Birthday Cake!!!! Mine is carrot cake with cream cheese frosting.
Header by Rory Midhani
That illustration is amazing. Also, omg so many things to read/look at; yeep.
Happy Birthday, Autostraddle! Here, i got you ponies:
My b-day cake for the past… many years is this really cool chocolate cake that, like, makes its own sauce. Like, if you look at it out of the oven, it looks boring, but once you start scooping it out, there’s chocolate sauce happening & it’s so good with ice cream & idk how it makes the sauce. It’s like, magic. Magical.
Aaah, five years! Happy birthday to autostraddle and all the amazing human beings who make this website a reality! I can’t believe I’ve been here since 2010. It makes me really happy that I’ve read most of the articles on this list, and I look forward to everything that’s going to happen this month!
(Also, there’s so many exclamation marks in my comment – I type like an overtly excited child!) (!!!)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Good luck to anyone who has discovered AS recently. You have so many things to read!
Happy Birthday, where would I be without you!
boring and uneducated!
oh sorry I was talking about myself
I would be in the same boat.
Married to a dude. Sigh.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AUTOSTRADDLE. It occurs to me that I’ve been reading since late 2009 (though I lurked for over a year), which is kind of blowing my mind. AS was the first queer community I felt like I actually fit, and idk what I’d do without y’all. Thanks for being so great.
Happy Birthday!!! I’m so glad you are all here!!! Thank you so much for all the wonderful amazingness that is Autostraddle!!!!
Happy Birthday! I’ve been around here a while now, and I’m so glad I found you. Thanks for being here all this time!
I want to say something more articulate but I just have so many feelings (obvs), so I’ll just say.. keep being amazing! And don’t ever go away.
i’m excited for our ten-year birthday, when we have successfully developed our own currency and parks department
I look forward to those Park Ranger uniforms and the associated Power tools…. Alex V, could you design some and model them? I’d work as a landscaper in Autostraddles Parks Department anyday, Im one for realssies.
We could do upkeep on the land!!!!! and trails! hiking! waterfalls
do you guys know that you can buy birthday cake m&ms in stores now? just stating a fact.
My roommate had them and tbh not worth it. Just go right for the birthday cake/cake batter ice cream
yeah no one should get too excited because they taste like regular m&ms, just larger and maybe with some sort of cake-y texture.
nnnooooooooooooo that’s so disappointing! why, M&Ms, why?
Whoa mine is ALSO carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Anyway, ALL of the congratulations, but really, all of the thank yous!
BECAUSE IT’S THE BEST CAKE
Mine too. Omnomnomnom cake.
H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y!!
If I baked you all a cake, it would be Tiramisu! Thank you for all the fun articles and building communities! ^__^
Happy Birthday! I love you. Your hair looks great today!
i <3 autostraddle!! happy birthday and thanks so much for all the things.
whoops!! and i <3 the cats and cake picture! yellow cake, chocolate icing.
I read “Top 5 Interviews” as “Top 5 Interns” (guess what kind of day I’ve been having) and I was really sad that the list wasn’t
3. Her Grace
4. The forever intern
5. Chelsey is really rad too <3
Also, my favorite kind of birthday cake is garbage cake! It’s a basic with like a topping orgy topping that cake in a million beautiful ways. SNL’s Lady Aidy Bryant describes the experience as “do anything you dream”, “children’s cake for womyn”, “it looks like I would just eat this with a spoon… we’re eating this with two forks each”, “it looks sort of rude” “should I put this seashell on the doughnut?” . And here’s a link so that you can make your own! http://www.rookiemag.com/2014/03/sunday-video-how-to-make-a-garbage-cake-with-aidy-bryant/ The AS staff should definitely do this!
Oh. My. God. Garbage cake is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard of.
THIS CAKE HAS DONUTS ON IT
I’m pretty sure eating it will make you 1/64th unicorn.
Thank you so much for the great gifts and community you have brought to us. Its a privilege being able to read all the previous posts from the archives and get excited and get feelings all over again.
I would bake you a massive Banoffee Pie :)
WHEEE!! 5 IS a magical number! Happy Birthday Autostraddle! Where would we be without you guys. Without the genius of Riese and Alex and everybody who makes this space possible. I think I’m running out of ‘stuff’ in my magic flask to pour out for y’all. IDK where I would be if I hadn’t been introduced to this place and all you amazing humans. I open this website more than I do FB or my email. It’s reminded me of my love of writing and words and how everyone is beautiful and I feel like in this space we’re as close as we can be to everyone getting along. I love you guys. ♥
PS I might be back later if I’ve had some drink in your honor so. ♥
Can I just say I’m going through the listed posts one by one? I have SO MANY THINGS TO READ
i think this is the cake allie brosh wrote about. i really do. it has to be. it is The Best Cake.
IDK Google showed it to me and I think it was on Pinterest. But it looks awesome and I have seriously considered having it for my wedding.
That cake is everything.
Yay! Happy Birthday!
Crumb cake is absolutely my favorite kind of cake, y’all.
Happy Birthday, Autostraddle! Thank you for being here all this time.
I love you guy and I will have a drink in your honor
Rainbow cake, duh. )And now I really want one.(
Happy birthday, AS! I started reading you guys when I was finally contemplating coming out and it was a source of “I can do this!” I will always have a special place in my little rainbow-colored heart for you all. xxxo
Target was selling a cake mix that had all the colors on this and I am SERIOUSLY considering attempting it!
Happy Birthday, Autostraddle! You lit the fire of gay in my baby queer heart and it’s been burning bright ever since!
this is v beautiful
happy birthday to AS! this is the best idea, happy march to all of us!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AS!! <3
I’m eating a vegan carrot cake with cream cheese frosting cupcake right now. I wish I had candles to put on top of it.
I owe a super big shout out to Gabrielle’s How To Own It: The Queer Grrrl’s Guide To The Galaxy post. I followed those instructions and made a super awesome denim jacket. That jacket has gotten me a free sandwich, a walrus sticker, two dates with extremely cute girls, more flirting than any other thing I own, and one really fun hookup. Thank you Gabrielle and Autostraddle for improving my dating life and earning me a walrus sticker.
I <3 you Autostraddle.
PS anything with fresh cream in it.
Happy birthday, Autostraddle! I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you.
Also, my favorite cake is ooey gooey cake: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/ooey-goey-cake/
Happy Birthday! If I had time in my life and was talented at organizing my thoughts I would try to contribute something about being bi, but until that time I will love everything that you post here!
Thanks for being awesome. Awesome like red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting. Because cream cheese frosting is the best.
Do it! More bi representation please! :)
THIS IS A LIST OF LISTS OF LISTS
Anyway though happy birthday, Autostraddle! So much love. Oh also, I like funfetti cake.
I have been reading Autostraddle daily since sometime in 2010. But I fell in love with AS due to this:
Epic. I know I’m not the only one.
Happy birthday AS!
well i love you
So much victory here. If we’re talking cakes then AS gets the biggest cake
(except eating said cake is always consensual on AS)
Happy birthday! Now don’t party too hard, kids.
the one with its face in the hat sdfghjklhjkmjnhjkmnmkdcjkerjrb
Happy Birthday, Autostraddle! Make sure you stack up on free stuff and save me some ice-cream cake :)
This is awesome! Congrats everyone :)
Happy Birthday! Many many many happy returns of the day! Damn this is the 3rd big birthday I’ve wished since Saturday, a 21, a 30 and now 5. Wooop all the birthdays.
So glad this place exists and long may it remain my permanently open tab. I have so much to read now.
I would make you guys a chai tea infused bundt cake with cream cheese glaze. Because Bundt is a great word to say.
OH my god, you’re 5! 5! The best year! The cookie jar year! The year you nap on the floor in kindergarten because you just have zero effs to give (actually because your preschool conditioned you to think that a large rug=naptime) and then your kindergarten teacher has to talk to your mom cause she thinks you’re weird. HAPPY FIFTH BIRTHDAY AUTOSTRADDLE, YOU FREAKING WEIRDO.
You guyyyyyyyysssss this is so much :/
I’m into the carrot cake, and the rainbow cake, but I’m really funfetti cupcakes all the way (home to my imaginary girlfriend #awkward)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVERYONE!!! I’m super excited to relive to past and SUPER EXCITED FOR THE FUTURE!! AS Plus? Yes please!
For everyone who isn’t vegan and/or lactose-intolerant, I would share my mom’s homemade Oreo cheesecake with you.
Happy Birthday!! :D
I was one of those 25.000 and I’m super excited because of how everything has evolved since 2009. Also happy that I’ve read almost all of those articles :)
I don’t like cake but I would make you rainbow coloured ice creams!
Happy birthday Autostraddle!
My favourite birthday cake was the rainbow cake my girlfriend and I made one year. Well, it was mostly my girlfriend who made it because she knows what she’s doing in the kitchen and I don’t – I was allowed to do the sprinkles though :)
Sprinkles is the most important part.
Happy birthday Autostraddle!! May you always be here to cheer me up when I’m having a crappy day. Here’s to the next 5!
Well that makes autostraddle by far the wisest preschooler i’ve ever encountered. Have a good one!
5 is my favorite number – I have fives tattooed on me, sort of! For someone who fixates on numbers pretty hard, this is truly an auspicious year for Autostraddle.
Happy 5th, Autostraddle! I don’t know where I’d be without you.
Came for the awesome lists, stayed for the awesome queer cake images… now I’m hungry… Where the party food at?
I was all “how hasn’t Laneia’s thing about leaving your husband on one of these lists”… then kept scrolling and was all “ahhh there it issss”
Amazed at how many of these articles I recognise! it’s a wealth of knowledge and hilarity and we thank you for it!
Happy Birthday you bunch of queer weirdos…or “penblwydd hapus” as we say in the chosen land.
Happy birthday! My cat is six years old this month, so you are one year younger than my cat. I’m not sure how that’s relevant, except he is a cat and you are Autostraddle… and cats… and Autostraddle… and Autostraddle and cats… I like chocolate cake.
Happy Birthday Autostraddle!
I really don’t want to think about what I would be doing now if I had not wandered onto your pages 8 months ago (hint: it would be heteronormative, a little sad, and a lot more boring).
What I mean is, this place is awesome!
My favourite cake is a tie between warm gingerbread cake with lemon sauce, or this chocolate cake my mom used to make that had pudding on the bottom.
I also have a strange nostalgia for Baked Alaska; although, I don’t know if I have actually ever eaten it. Maybe I stared at the pictures in the cookbook for too long (;
this is very important: my favorite cake is funfetti.
Happy birthday! You must feel like a proud momma bird Riese!
I have a request that may be too late for the birthday month or maybe you are already doing it! Can you do a little history of autostraddle? Including important people who don’t write a lot anymore? Because I see names referenced and I just want to be part of the cool crowd who knows what you are talking about! Maybe roundtable style, or an oral history a la Vulture. Anyways I am super excited for the birthday month, and again, congrats!
Oh and of course cake: My favorite is strawberry! Or yelow with raspberry filling!
Happy birthday!! Thank you for being so, so awesome. Seriously you guys, this community.
Also: chocolate sour cream cake (doesn’t taste like sour cream, honest), and veganized of course!