VIDEO! Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office #201: Black Swan Did You Really Happen

Wow can you believe it? At last, the Season Two premiere of Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard In Your Box Office. In honor of the lesbo-vadge-rage inspired by Black Swan and a subsequent flare-up of aforementioned rage while reading Autostraddle’s post on The Oscars, in which many readers shared positive emotions about the film Black Swan, Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard have decided to open Season 2 with Black Swan, which Julie liked less than Avatar.

A quick refresher:

Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard are a sensational acting/writing duo trying to cause a sensation with their romantic-comedy, Nicest Thing.

But since no one wants to make their movie or cast them in anything, they feel it is their duty to harshly judge everyone else’s work based on a sliding scale of rage, bitterness, lesbianisim, and lack of any real significant training.

Are you ready? Do you have a big bowl of popcorn or a giant box of Crispix? I hope so. It’s time for the eleventh heart-stopping, stomach-pounding episode of the internet sensation and world-famous comedy extravaganza, Brandy Howard & Julie Goldman in your box office! Review edited by Riese, Re-enactment edited by J/B.

(For the best viewing experience, select “720p”)

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julie and brandy

has written 20 articles for us.


  1. How dare you imply I only watched it because I had a hard on for Natalie Portman! I obviously had a hard on for Mila Kunis ;)

    I was just really confused by this movie. Also I have eczema so all the scratching made me itchy.

  2. I never saw the movie. I did see the sex scene. Sounds like I maybe didn’t miss out on much?

  3. i can’t believe she won the oscar. i mean i can, i saw it coming, but wtf. i do hate to see her cry, though. if only i could comfort her in those moments. i totally watched this movie because i had a hard-on for portman. i thought it was dumb. i think the critics and everyone talking about how great it is must be under some sort of spell.

  4. I havnt laughed that hard in a while! Probobly since I saw the Avatar review. Halarious by the way!

  5. a few things:

    a) this is key:

    b) going down on oneself: i thought this is why people are jealous of dogs and cats? nobody wants a slice of their own pie?

    c) julie, saying you’ll personally slap the next person that says black swan had a lesbian scene is more of an incentive than a punishment.

    d) i seriously had no idea that ecstacy was over. i thought i’d put a new spin on it by taking it during santacon this year, but i still wound up dancing (poorly) at a really bad club wearing a neon necklace. in a santa suit.

    e) brandi, blaming the dog is older than ecstacy. own the fart.

    this video was awesome thank you thank you thank you

  6. i was also very confused by the black swan hullabaloo. i saw it on the internet while very stoned at like 2 am. i thought it was a cool thing to watch, like an indie/artsy horror flick or something in that it was suspenseful and visually interesting but it wasn’t GOOD or DEEP or anything. also it felt too trippy to watch sober.

    i feel like oscars are given for an actor’s entire body of work, not for that movie. i mean i basically just imagined that she was really getting it for Closer.

    anyhow obviously as the editor of this video i think it’s HILARIOUS especially the “attack it” sequence

  7. Nina reminded me of Angela Chase…Claire Danes already played the crying girl through the 90s…

  8. So I probs won’t be able to eat an Entenmann’s chocolate donut the same. Ever. But burritos are still safe. Burritos = always ALWAYS safe.

    Ps. Your spin sequence was great. I was going to not write this as a comment, but yeah…I already started writing…so.

  9. I LOVE you guys. I didn’t see this movie because I thought it would probably piss me off. Now I know it’ll piss me off and you’ve spared me the experience. So thanks.

  10. Yeah Black swan kinda really sucked.I wasn’t even overly impresses with one of my all time faves.I think Natalie got an Oscar because well they couldn’t give one to Rourke last year he burned too many bridges what with his throwing his talent away around and being a general douchebag but still not many actors can touch him now they certainly couldn’t in the 80’s.So Natalie got Rourke’s Oscar but that’s ok by me.My love for Natalie has kind of gone to the same place where my love for Angelina went when she got hitched to Brad Pitt and she started accumulating kids.It’s not quite in that place yet but the bus is headed in that direction.

  11. Love Natalie Portman, but Black Swan just seemed creepy….would be at the bottom of my list of favorite NP movies.

  12. I liked the black swan, but I’m totally with you on the “lesbian sex scene”…there was nothing sexy about it.

  13. My gf freaking loved this movie. To the point where I feared violent, angry outbursts of pure rage for anyone who said they didn’t like it/it wasn’t thebestmovieofalltimeomg (which included me). I just really didn’t see what was so awesome about it other than pretty people in tight clothing.

  14. I liked it. Pretty women and Tchaikovsky and mindfuckery. But honestly yeah I wouldn’t have gone to see it in theaters three times if it wasn’t for Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.

    Did anyone else go back to confirm by strategic pausing that Brandy wasn’t wearing any underwear when she said she wasn’t? Being of a curious, scientific mind, I did…

  15. The netflix ad on this page keeps tryin to get me to rent fuckin Hot Sub Prime Machine, or whatever that shitty ass movie is called. FUCK THAT. Anyways, you two are amazing, as always.

  16. I enjoyed Black Swan, but I enjoy pretty much anything with a substantial amount of ballet in it. Fuck yeah, ballerinas.

  17. I watched this movie like three times coz the first two times I was for real on Ambien and kept forgetting what I was watching. But even by the third time I still didn’t get it. Mean Girls 2 was better, just saying.

  18. Dammit I want a burrito.
    You guys just win the world.

    (and because Aronofsky fathered the great Pi and the Fountain, I think I’m going to give its defense a shot:

    It took me a long, long time to come to terms with the homogayness. I got a nice case of OCD out of all the internal conflicts… the scratching kind. My psychiatrist at the time told me that compulsive scratching’s often related to identity issues. My body wasn’t mine, I also struggled (and still do to this day) with anorexia, and Black Swan spoke to me. A lot. Nina can’t connect with herself because of her inhibitions / an overbearing mother / an obsession with success and perfection. Her body’s telling her stuff and she doesn’t know what it means. I was Nina (well except for the hotness and stuff).

    I think you kinda have to see Pi to get where he’s coming from, but I thought he really hit the nail on its head (with an exquisite sense of aesthetics, as usual) That dude knows his shit!

    Also, the lesbian promotion didn’t do the movie any justice. This wasn’t about that, and you said it, she’s having sex with herself, not Lily. So I was annoyed by all the LGBT portrayal complaints.)

    Sorry for the parenthesis, bayh you guys and keep kickin’ ass!

  19. hahaha omg hilarious!
    my neighbours officially think i’m nuts.

    i’m not ok with you guys showing me the nail-cutting scene though. did NOT want to see that again!

  20. i only watched it ’cause Mila Kunis was in a ‘lesbian’ sex scene. was definitely disappointed with the scene but Mila Kunis was hot as ever

  21. I just don’t understand how in 2021 that they couldn’t find a black actress to play the black swan? I mean, it’s in the title.

  22. I’m not pretending to get it… I get it. This is my #3 movie of all time and maybe Aronofsky’s masterpiece, but its tough competition.

    The ballet Swan Lake is about a character turned into a white swan. Her Prince (love interest) is tricked by her doppelganger the black swan. The white swan then commits suicide. Aronofsky compresses the ballet into 3 dances: The White Swan, The Black Swan, The suicide.

    The movie is about the following:

    It is about a ballet company performing Swan Lake. However, Nina must dance the white swan and the black swan. She is perfect as the white swan but cannot play the black swan as it requires her to dance with less technique and raw emotion. Her style is too perfect, but not authentic. For true perfection, she must be able to be both the white and the black.

    It is about the characters experiencing the story of Swan Lake. Nina (the white swan) vies for the attention of the director, but Lily (the black swan) is attempting to get the attention and usurp her star role. This will lead to her suicide.

    It is about a girl with delusions fantasizing the story of Swan Lake. Lily is trying to win the director, however, Nina is also paranoid and delusional and hallucinating the events of Swan Lake. As Kurt Cobain said, “Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not after you.”

    It is about an innocent, sheltered girl. Nina means “little girl” in spanish. Through the harsh reality of adult issues Nina will transform psychologically into the Black Swan which drives her to kill the white swan (innocence) inside her.

    It is about the terrible, painful path to perfection. She endures physical pain and damage to her body. She experiences body dysmorphia and eating disorders, but also hallucinates body dysmorphia as she physically is turning into the black swan.

    The movie itself is presented as the ballet Swan Lake. Act I is the white swan, Act II Nina struggles as she becomes the black swan, Act III is her death. You see this visually, through the film’s score and it becomes obviously apparent when the movie moves into the credits with lights and applause as if it was all a live ballet.

    So this is Swan Lake, inside Swan Lake, inside Swan Lake, etc.

    What happened at the end? In her performance, she cannot play the white swan in part 1 (she has embodied the black swan now). She kills Lily and thus completes her transformation into the black swan. She dances the Black Swan Perfectly. Before the third part of the dance, she realizes that in killing Lily (which was a hallucination), she has fatally stabbed herself representing that she killed her innocence (the white swan inside her). Now that her transformation is complete, she dances the third section as the white swan Perfectly as well. She has become perfect (both damaged with pure emotion and the ability to dance with perfect technique). She finishes the dance and enjoys the moment of transcendent perfection before she dies.

    Although certain things are not seen, we know from the equations of this movie what must have happened. Did she die, although we don’t see her die? Yes, it is the fate of the white swan.

    Was Lily (meaning pure) trying to usurp her role and really sleeping with the director or was it a hallucination? Both. We know Lily is really trying to usurp her role (although we don’t see it) as she is the black swan and she is rewarded to play the alternate dancer for Nina and almost succeeds in taking the role.

    This story is about losing innocence, the dark side of striving for perfection, and the sickening self-abuse it takes to be a legendary ballet dancer (or any strive to be perfect).

    A wider view (one which I’m sure Aronofsky intended as well) is its Buddhist nature. I’m sure he was aware of its Buddhist interpretation as the morals and format mimic his earlier work on the Fountain (which used many Buddhist symbols). This movie is about the necessity of suffering to earlier enlightenment where The Fountain was the necessity of coming to terms with mortality (or impermanence).

    Unlike the Fountain (whether you understood Black Swan or not) the plot of Black Swan was not open to interpretation. We know everything that happened due to the reoccurring story of Swan Lake.

  23. Your Critique and comments aren’t the fault of the movie. It’s like you read and made a critique on a book of the mathematics of quantum physics. You didn’t get it, but decided its not good. This movie has a minimum intelligence level to enjoy and takes knowledge of film critique to understand fully. All I heard from this and the comments was, “I don’t understand film, its bad.” Again, not really the movie’s fault. It received an 89% on rotten tomato from professional critics. This movie made very solid points that left very little room for multiple interpretations.

    If you didn’t get it, why didn’t you research it? Liking a movie or not is opinion, properly critiquing a film is a skill that takes education. I don’t see you as real critics, just non-critics deciding on a whim whether you like something. Not super helpful if one is looking for understanding.

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