Valentine’s Day is kinda stupid, but sex isn’t stupid and love isn’t stupid either! It’s our annual duty as an Online Magazine to come up with a new object to poke into your girlfriend every Valentine’s Day/Holiday Season, and every year I’m tempted anew to simply cut & paste from prior guides (and really, our Sex-Themed Holigay Gift Guide This Year was especially extraordinary), but that would be cheating, and unlike your ex-girlfriend, I would never cheat on you.
If we were to re-hash, we’d remind you how much we love the RodeOH Harness (we reviewed it, remember?) and the SpareParts Harness Combo. We’d recommend some Lesbian Erotica and tell you that Amazon still has crazy-ass deals on Lelo products like 63% off a Lelo Liv Personal Massager and we’d tell you that we’d like a WeVibe. We’d also direct you to Good Vibrations’ Sexy Valentine’s Day Gifts and Babeland’s Gift Guide and remind you to get an Autostraddle Calendar which is now on sale for $14.
But let’s not rehash (though all links to prior gift guides are at the end). Let’s start all over again, but brand new, with ten things we’re 100% positive your girlfriend wants. Honestly probably any female relative, roommate, or co-worker would want these things.
10 Super-Special Valentine’s Day Gifts
1. The Joy of Lesbian Sex (1977 Edition)
From Lesbophilia: “When I came across [The Joy of Lesbian Sex], I was captivated by it, partly by the text, which spoke of love between women in a way I’d never heard before, but mainly by the pictures, which struck me by their difference from the photos of girl-on-girl action I’d seen in men’s magazines, and which I came to prefer over such photos for two reasons.
2. Spank Me Baby
This packaging is super cute. Prepare your ass pre-spanking and soothe your ass post-spanking. What else could a girl ask for? Nothing. This is the most.
3. Lesbian Heart Game
Once upon a time, somebody decided to print 100 lesbian “erotic challenges” on tiny pieces of paper, in English and in Spanish, roll up those pieces of paper, stick them in a heart shaped box, and sell them with tweezers which are intended to be used to remove the pieces of paper from the heart box. The papers are then read out loud and erotic challenges are performed. So now this exists. It’s here for a reason, just like sunshine.
4. Boob Cake Pan
If you’ve ever seen someone try to make boob-shaped cake without a boob-shaped cakepan, then you’ll understand what a valuable gift this is.
5. Pink Heart Restraints
Aren’t these the cutest restraints you’ve ever laid your little eyes on? I’m being serious I think these are super-cute.
6. Edible Thong
This costs less than $5, so you can bet it’s really good for your vaginal pH.
7. Man of Steel Boxer-Briefs
If your babe is a superhero in the sheets, she needs underpants that reflect this legacy.
8. Rachel Maddow Soap
This bar of soap is made of hand-poured natural vegetable glycerin and is vegan-friendly. The Rachel Maddow Soap is coffee-scented. Although they only have one bar of Rachel Maddow soap presently, it appears they’d be happy to make more bars of Rachel Maddow soap per your request.
9. Olivia’s Lucky Ladies Bettie Page Playing Cards
Will you be able to hide your poker face? Or your POKE HER face?
10. A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting
Apparently there is a lot to say on this subject. An entire book’s worth!
For more help on sexy holiday shopping:
+ Autostrddle’s 2011 NSFW Sunday Gift Guide
+ Autostraddle’s 12 Books About Sex
+ Autostraddle’s Last Minute 2010 NSFW Valentines Day Gift Guide
+ Autostraddle’s 2010 NSFW Sunday Gift Guide
+ Autostraddle’s Boyshorts Guide and Cologne/Perfume 101
anyone who will give me any of these is welcome to be my valentine
I WANNA RUB MY BODY WITH RACHEL MADDOW
Hell, who doesn’t?
Seriously. I mean, coffee-flavored-vegan-friendly Rachel Maddow soap? Talk about perfectly directed marketing!
I give it 5.8 Maddows
The other day at work a customer told me I reminded him a lot of Rachel Maddow, but blonde. It pretty much made my life, but I had no one to share with who would understand my glee at being told such a wondrous thing.
I hope you understand, fellow Autostraddlers.
I’m afraid that if I rub my body with Rachel Maddow soap I may walk around with dry soap on my skin because I’ll never want to rinse the Maddow off of me…
Literally the first thing that I said when I saw the soap.
Actually own the Superman briefs. Awesome :)
Uh, so that Lesbophilia blog is clearly written by a time-traveling Victorian dude, right??
“I also learned to entertain myself with the occasional daydream that an attractive woman I’d seen recently in my travels may know the joys of woman-love, and I’d imagine her in the arms of another attractive woman of my recollection.”
I was mostly cracking up too hard to be very creeped out, even.
I would wear those restraints as bracelets. multi-purpose bracelets.
always good to be prepared!
#3 is genius.
#10 scares me, but maybe I shouldn’t judge the book by its cover.
OMG..OMG..OMG you guys! There was a super hot chick I met at The Dinah wearing those pink heart restraints as bracelets..It totally sparked a conversation between us as I coveted them and I was uber smitten..Alas it was not to be..But I loved that she wore them with such confidence!
I did have a worrying “Perfume” flashback moment when you wrote “Rachel Maddow Soap”
Ok, I swear I have ADD and the fact that you guys link a lot (which I love) makes the ADD worse lol it has taken me an hour to barely get through half of this post. I started here and ended up on an old post about boyshorts. I feel like my attention span must be really short…
I have the Man of Steel boxer briefs, which I bought at Walmart, in the young boys’ section. I was putting a pair around my neck to check if they fit me, and then I realized how creepy that looked from a stranger’s perspective, and quickly walked away…with a pair of course :)
wait, is that a thing? you can put them around your neck to see if they fit your bum?
Facing the waist of the jeans/pants toward you, place the waistband over your neck where a tee shirt collar falls. If the waistline of the pant will not meet on the back of the neck, the pant will not fit. Similarly, if there is overlap at the back of the neck, the pants will be baggy. This method takes into account that if your weight fluctuates (say from a 31 in summer to a 33 in winter), the fat of your neck increases in size proportionally to the rest of your body, including the waist. Does that help?
I would most defiantly enjoy some Super Man trunks to go with my Batman ones. Also the cuffs, if I saw a girl in those I’d have to talk to her. It would be compulsory.
Boob cakes for dessert ftw.
They don’t make the cute superhero undies for fat girls :( At least not that I can find
Very interesting gift ideas for Valentine’s Day
oh, autostraddle, this is why i love you… <3
Just ordered the heart game. The Amazon description was very detailed, but I have no idea what to expect…pretty excited though.
We’re glad you like our Rachel soap! We love making them, so yay! win-win.