Strap-On & NSFW Holiday Shopping Guide

It’s already Channukah and Christmas is coming up so this is an excellent opportunity to slaughter two birds with one giant (cock) rockstone and give your special someone or occasional friend-with-benefits or your ex-girlfriend something sex-related. This way she thinks she’s getting a gift, but really YOU’RE getting a gift. And ideally it’ll be the gift that keeps on giving, as I believe they say in the ‘business.’

So we have some advice for your “erotic” shopping experience. You know, “erotic”? It’s like “sensual.”

If you’re interested in being a good person, you will do your holiday shopping via these Amazon/shopstyle affiliate links, so that a portion of your purchase benefits our continued existence. However, if you don’t do that, please support the best sex store ever, Babeland, which has heaps of gift guides and informative situations. Also it’s owned by two lesbians.dotted-divider2

STRAP-ONS:

Generally people prefer to buy their own strap-ons. But in this economy — sometimes the holidays are the only time anyone can get treated to a giant penis-shaped object and intricate strappage system which adheres said object to your vagina. You know? Right, totes. Ask your partner what they want if you think you can get away with it. Or replace the one you broke in May.

Harness:

A good harness will be between $60 and $120 minimum. You don’t want to feel like you’re wearing something that could be purchased in a combination tanning salon/adult video store.

The basic factors you’ll be considering are materials, comfort, design, durability, size and functionality. Unlike dildos, which some lesbians prefer to trash between partners, you or your special friend might keep this harness literally until it breaks, so it’s an important investment.

$96.99 – SpareParts Joque Harness

+ Nylon/spandex, designed with comfort in mind
+ Fits many different body sizes from hips 20″ to 50″
+ Stretchable O-Rings to use different size dildos
+ Vegan-friendly
+ Waterproof
+ Accommodates double-headed dildos and is good for packing!

$95 – Aslan Jaguar Harness

+ Available in vegan faux-leather
+ Easy adjustment D-Rings to use different kinds of dildos.
+ Comes in different colors
+ If you’re not used to wearing a harness, this is a good one to start with.

$70 – Terra Firma Harness:

+ Great design, easy to adjust
+ O-Rings allow for a variety of dildo sizes, also accommodates double dildo
+ Easy to clean

Dildos:

Silicone is the preferred material. There’s also Cyberskin, which is a lot like real skin and feels the bestest, but keeping it clean is a giant pain in the ass. There is upkeep and cornstarch involved but also is well worth it.

$55. Funfactory Share Dildo, Black

+ Silicone
+ 6.5 inches, insertable portion 4.5 inches
+ If you are a Kegels Master, you can hold onto this sucker with your vadge but if not it will fit within a harness.

$59.95: Leo

+From Vixen, designers of “quality silicone dildos” (ideal for allergies/sensitive skin).
+ Longer than most dildos
+ Self-standing, harness compatible with a concave bottom that will self-adhere to any flat, non-porous surface.

$104.95: Vixen Creations “Maverick VixSkin” Dildo

+ VixSkin has the realistic look/feel of cyberskin but without the hassle.
+ 100% Platinum Grade Silicone – Phthalates free, Hypo-allergenic
+ Non-toxic, Non-irritating
+ Boilable, Bleachable (10% solution)

$65: Mr. Bendy

+ Made of softskin with a semi-realistic feeling but is silicone so you can wash it easier
+ Works for sex and for packing
+ It’s even endorsed by sugarbutch, so you know this thing means business: “My infamous Silky/Mr. Bendy (named differently depending on where you buy it), my very favorite cock – because you can pack with it, and play with it, and it actually works – unfortunately, that’s incredibly rare in the world of cocks.”

+

Celebrity Lezbian Fists:

I know what you’re thinking — “those strap-ons seem like a TON of fun, but I’d really prefer to get fucked by a replica of Jack Halberstam’s fist.” Well, you’re in luck. Because the fine Canadians over at Come As You Are have anticipated your need and consequently fulfilled your desires.

Did you read Inferno for the Autostraddle Book Club, which contains an entire chapter we refer to lovingly as the “vagina chapter” ’cause that’s what every word in it is about?

Meet the Celebrity Lezbian Fist!

Celebrity Lezbian Fist is a limited edition series of silicone fists cast from the actual hands of famed and favourite queer cultural icons. The series includes fists by Harmony Hammond, GB Jones, Eileen Myles, Cheryl Dunye, Cathy Opie, Jack Halberstam, and Savoy Kapow Howe. Inspired by the infamous cock-castings by rock groupie Cynthia Plaster Caster, the fists come in a range of punchy colours personally selected by each participant. Each “model” was made in a limited edition of 25. These celebrity fists are mostly art, but are made of 100% silicone and technically useable. Made with love in Canada by Happy Valley and Paige Gratland. Find out more about the celebrities behind the fists! (6 3/4″ x 4″)

Also, if last week’s Effing Dykes post scared the living shit out of you, you’re probably in the market for some Rubber Gloves. While you’re at it, try Flavored Dental Dams.

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Other ‘Sexy’ Gift Ideas:

Pleasure Wigs Gaga Wig, Hot Pink [update: sold out]: Sorry we had to. Why is this categorized with “sexual toys” on Amazon? Why is it called a “Lady Gaga wig”? Weird, right. Is it because of Natalie Portman in Closer.

“These wigs are great for dress-up, fantasy, Halloween, just about anything! Made from human-like fibers they feel real and look real. One size fits all as they are fully adjustable for your comfort. Re-usable and re-wearable!”

Underthings:

It’s only $12 for the world’s bestest, most comfortable, sexiest thong: On Gossamer Women’s Mesh Hip G-Strings. Or get fancy with Juicy Couture’s Do Not Disturb Boyshort Set [update: sold out] or some men’s Calvin Klein boxer-briefs. OR OR OR Victoria’s Secret has customized boyshort/panties sets [update: sold out] representing all the fine Universities of America, which is appropriate if you go to a Big Ten School. Or just check out Boyshorts 101.

Books:

+ Sometimes She Lets Me: Best Butch/Femme Erotica, edited by Tristan Taormino.

+ Best Lesbian Erotica 2010, edited by Kathleen Warnock

+ The super-famous… The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us, by Felice Newman

+ The New Lesbian Sex Book, 3rd Edition, by Wendy Castor

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INFOGRAPHIC:

This is a very interesting Sexual Revolution Infographic!

VIDEO:

I know you’ve probably been wondering “what happened behind the scenes of the Perelli calendar?” Well luckily there’s a video of that, and nobody has a shirt on:

Pirelli Calendar 2011 by Karl Lagerfeld Making Of.. from gabriel on Vimeo.

Sexy Tumblr Alert:

Queer.Visuals: This is just like all the stuff. You know, the hipsters cuddling with alternative lifestyle haircuts. All of the things. It’s like a library of lesbian tumblrs.


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Profile gravatar of Riese

Riese is the 35-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2419 articles for us.

33 Comments

  1. that holiday guide was very helpful. i juuuust may get myself a gift. fa la la la la la la la la

    oh also, that video is like a nerd’s dream. greek mythology AND BOOBS?! merry christmas to meee.

  2. Oddly enough, we had a queer art gallery thing at my school and those Celebrity Fists were there…sweet home Alabama??? O_o

    The fist are very enthusiastic though. I would most likely refrain from fisting someone with it. I would just scatter them around the apartment (sit them on coffee tables, on top of the t.v, on on the counter…etc.)

  3. A.) I’m going to have to buy a fist for myself just to have one and not even use it. I mean come on Eileen?!! I’d proudly display that one on my mantle.

    B.) I love that this article was written by “party in my pants”

  4. Ha.. A straight dude who works in a sex toys shop just recommended that fun factory share dildo to me at a party this friday. And now you write about it. I feel like the universe wants me to try it, and it also looks fun. Now I just need someone to fuck/fuck me… 🙂

  5. I kind of want to get some fists solely for display just so when my straight friends visit I can be all, “Yess, it’s 1970s revolutionary kitsch…”

    Ehehehehehe.

    I don’t think I would actually use one, though… that’s a little weird for me, but if you’re into that, right on.

  6. I love this post because, a)

    From “Dear Andrea”, by Eileen Myles:

    I love you too
    don’t fuck up my hair
    I can’t believe
    you almost fisted me
    today.
    That was great.

    and, b)

    My name is Andrea. Lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky, I know!

    Also, this poem is the first thing by Eileen Myles I ever read. I saw it and I thought, “I must now buy everything this woman has ever written”

  7. I’m just going to write this here, because I need to vent, and because this post has the fewest comments of the latest posts and I feel bad for it, and also because of the tumblr link within it, it’s just related enough to be slightly relevant:

    OMG WHY IS TUMBLR DOWN. it’s been like more than 12 hours. what the frack, tumblr. WITHDRAWAL. i need a dashboard to refresh, and my stupid facebook feed is NOT cutting it.

  8. Pingback: Как заниматься лесбийским сексом в первый раз (NSFW) | Товаришка

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