Restraints are one of the original BDSM staples. Bondage is the very first letter of BDSM. Handcuffs and rope are watchwords for kinky bedroom activities in countless depictions. Cuffs, collars, and their softer analogues (chokers!) straddle the line between kink and mainstream fashion. The connection between kink and restraint is downright inescapable.
Which is why I’m gonna take you through the world of kinky restraints from entry-level essentials to things that should only be done in the presence of experts. My hope is to give you a tour of this wonderful world with an emphasis on safety. We’ll get tied up in cuffs, anchors, and chains. We’ll look at the risk profiles of different restraint methods. We’ll even dip into the history of torture to learn historical context behind some of our entertainment.
Ground rules for sexually restraining a partner
I live and fuck by the principle that all activities carry risk. This is important in kink, where an acceptable amount of risk is married to our desire for emotional intensity. If things do go wrong, our preparations and response will speak to whether we can handle the responsibility of BDSM.
Know your partner and discuss risks before starting
Restraint play should only happen between people who trust each other and have discussed their plans in depth. The discussion that happens before a new kind of play is introduced should be separate from sexual activity. It’s especially important to discuss whether the restraints will be escapable or not for the restrained partner. Inescapable restraints drastically increase the risk of play and should be approached carefully. There needs to be room for everyone to give their input.
Understand your restraints
It’s always a good idea for all partners to know how a material feels on the body and how it’ll behave in different circumstances. Hard metal restraints don’t have ‘give’ or flexibility, but are highly predictable. Chains can accommodate accessories and are flexible, but they’re heavy and can snag on hair. Rope made from natural fiber (hemp, cotton, linen) can shrink noticeably if soaked with fluid. This poses a risk of constriction if the restraint is too tight.
Many people have preferences about how we get tied up. My sensory processing issues exclude certain materials (suede, ‘fuzzy’ handcuffs) because they torture me in the bad way. Comfort and ergonomics also apply to the person doing the tie. Is the material easy to manipulate for your experience level? ‘Cause rope is notorious for being sexy in pictures and an absolute ass for novices.
Always watch the circulation
The main bodily risk to restraint play is loss of circulation. The keystone signs of lost circulation are tingling (‘pins and needles’), skin discoloration (white or blue), swelling, bulging veins, and cold skin. For people who are tied up, anything that feels out of the ordinary is worth investigating. If they’re gagged or can’t otherwise communicate, all responsibility falls to the partner in control to check every point of contact between skin and restraint. You can never be too safe and, just like consent, safety is practiced on a moment-to-moment basis.
Loss of circulation can happen quickly and unintentionally. Changing positions? That can put a lot of pressure on a previously comfortable tie. Some knots can inadvertently tighten during play due to movement. I’ve had a simple tie using a scarf pull tighter after being caught on furniture. Controlling partners should regularly feel for a gap between skin and restraints to make sure things aren’t too tight. All of this can be rolled into the scene itself as part of the ‘inspection’ or prevention of escape.
Never bear heavy weight on a single joint
There isn’t a single joint in the body that can safely bear the whole body’s weight. Nobody should ever be suspended from one joint. Advanced activities like full-body suspension always have secondary ties to spread the load out and make up for possible failure points. While some limbs (legs) and joints can bear heavier weights, others should simply be excluded. The neck is never a safe place for load-bearing ties or pressure and people have died as a consequence.
That’s a lot of space dedicated to safety, but that’s because I take a cautious approach to restraints. I don’t consider restraints to be entry-level play unless the restraints are trivially simple to escape. Anything that could restrict someone’s mobility against their will is inherently risky. With safety discussed, I can actually explore what that means for novices and experts alike.
BDSM restraints for newbies
Simple, escapable restraints
Newbie-friendly restraints are characterized by ease of use and ease of escape. Think of the ubiquitous cuffs-with-buckles from any sex retailer or a basic PU leather collar-leash combo. Even though they do restrain, someone who’s tied up can reach over and unbuckle or unclip at will. These are wildly popular in beginner’s BDSM kits or first introductions to kink because they’re so easy to work with and relatively safe.
Caption: There’s perfection in simplicity. My favorite collar and leash set is custom-made leather and bears my name and lines from a favorite poem.
No load-bearing or suspension
At this level of experience, nothing should hold the weight of large parts of the body. Light, simple restraints are mostly used to set the vibe of a scene rather than actually prevent escape. Some cheaply-made cuffs can break if someone is struggling against their tie. Regular cuffs and leashes don’t spread a load over the body’s surface area, so they’re unsafe for advanced play like suspension anyway.
The absence of suspension isn’t a downside. Restraint imposed by power dynamics and a scene’s energy can be far more effective than ties and cuffs. A collar’s symbolism is critically important to many of us because of the emotional weight it carries — not the physical constriction. Simple restraints provide lots of possibilities at a fraction of the cost, risk, and effort. They’re my go-to answer for light kink.
BDSM restraints for intermediate players
Interconnected and inescapable
In my mind, this is where rope gets involved. Rope changes the dynamic of restraint to a skill that needs attention and practice. Self-shibari is a great way to get acquainted with your new materials and interests. I become insatiable when I see evidence of shibari in someone’s dating profile. Rope opens the world of restraints up. It differs from simple restraints by having a much higher skill floor but a limitless ceiling for potential activities. It’s stepping out of the threshold of dabbler to enthusiast.
I believe that beginner play transitions into the intermediate once you start involving inescapable techniques. Inescapable restraints like fingerless mittens and locks are exhilarating because they impose realistic powerlessness. Restraints are now combined with load-bearing aspects like furniture. Arms hoisted onto a headboard or legs spread apart by a bar. The trust required is magnified, as are the potential risks. But the excitement-risk dyad is why many of us practice kink in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with reasonable risks as long as they’re balanced by equally reasonable preparation.
A proper risk profile
Speaking of risk, this is a level of play where there is an inherent chance of something going wrong. A pair of basic cuffs or a loose tie using an item of clothing can go wrong, but it’s often due to malfunctions or accidents. Inherent risk means a persistent and recognizable chance of something going wrong. Placing a submissive partner into a stress position can be enjoyable in short scenes, but prolonged use is quite literally a torture method. A limb tied stiffly for a prolonged period will lead to discomfort and eventual loss of circulation. The idea of playing near these thresholds is to finish the scene smiling before risk catches up.
BDSM restraints for experts
Hanging out with your most trusted friends
Advanced restraint techniques for BDSM are characterized by danger and extraordinary artistry. Showcases like these can be found at events under expert supervision, but some people do practice at home. This is the domain of full-body suspension, intricate load-bearing ties, and specialized equipment. While all kink can involve artistry, I’ve noticed that full-body suspension often has artistic intent from the outset. Sexual activity is often prohibited because it would interfere with the artistic display. A special mention goes to people who combine suspension with temporary piercings (play piercings) in exhibitions that combine endurance with suspension.
The risk profile of advanced restraint isn’t on an entirely different level. One way to look at it is to stop treating it as the presence of risk, but a constant presence of danger. Risk leaves a chance that harm occurs if something goes wrong. Danger means that people are on the edge of harm even when the activity proceeds normally. Equipment failures and accidents can lead to immediate and permanent injury. A tense body falling from a significant height (especially on the head) is life-threatening. A failure in technique when play piercings are involved drastically aggravates an existing wound.
The gravity of advanced activities is such that it’s only appropriate in total confidence and safety. Most of us will never reach the confidence threshold to start and that’s preferable to trying it out unprepared. We can still enjoy these displays via photography or at events, safe in the knowledge there are trained staff available. Better yet, many events will allow novices to be tied up under expert supervision — a rare opportunity to experience their skilled hands personally.
A test of willpower, equipment, and skill
That said, there are people who practice these techniques at home. To do so safely is beyond the scope of my knowledge, which is why this section is more theoretical. This is the domain of people who’ve attended numerous training seminars and demonstrations. If you’re in good company, there’ll be one nearby.
Full-body suspension calls for an array of skills and equipment. Practitioners need a working understanding of anatomy, injury, and first aid. Their wall and ceiling fixtures are permanent and tested. If there’s rope involved, it’s high quality and backed by excellent technique. Other restraints may be custom-fitted and incorporate high-strength materials like steel chain and climbing equipment. When the methods (like strappado) are derived from torture, every bit of preparation is critical.
However, the resulting artistry and exhilaration are astounding. Whether or not the act is even sexual in nature anymore doesn’t detract from the technical skill and trust involved. Advanced restraint is a rarity due to how many things need to go right for it to happen. For some, participation is a lifelong dream, and I envy anyone who gets to experience it for the first time.
From act to art
When I started writing this, I wasn’t expecting it to take such an abstract turn. In hindsight, I think it’s fitting. BDSM isn’t solely about sex. Many participants are asexual or indulge for detailed, non-erotic reasons. That diversity of thought is why the communities of kink and pride are so linked.
Like any act of emotional intensity and trust, BDSM can quickly blend function and artistry in interesting ways. Even though my typical play sits at the lighter end of the scale, I’m always astounded by people who push their skills and bodies to the threshold. Consider this a message: Kink is fundamentally about respecting and learning from each other’s interests as long as they’re practiced safely, even if you never plan to try it out. Nothing expresses this better than the continuum of restraint from newbie to expert.
O’Donnell, whose father’s family is Irish, moved to Ireland before inaguration. “I knew after reading Project 2025 that if Trump got in, it was time for me and my nonbinary child to leave the country,” she 
There is also the possibility of split attraction, where OP could be biromantic but homosexual.
Not sure about the fantasies. Many people fantasize about things that are wildly different from what they enjoy in real life.
But yeah, would they enjoy sex more if their current male partner had a vagina? That could be an interesting, though not really helpful question.
Another thing that they could think about is smell, do they enjoy the smell of their current partner, or men 8n general, vs female partners.
Gonna reiterate a couple of points from Summer and Claire cos they are really important:
Genital preference is a completely valid thing and not at all transphobic.
Split attraction is definitely a thing and something worth exploring.
I often joke that I’m the quintessential example of sexuality not being a choice, because I am definitely bisexual and am also instinctually misandrist (probably due to trauma) to the point where I have trouble forming any kind of relationships with men, especially cishet ones. No matter what my rational mind tells me, my lizard brain hisses “boys are icky, throw stones at them.” But that does not mean I don’t still find them sexually attractive in theory and in my head. Again, it’s probably hard to have sex with a man if being in their presence automatically puts you into fight or flight.
But I digress: while perhaps being romantically, platonically, or even physically attracted to men there is something missing. This might not necessarily mean you are not bisexual, you could be biromantic, have a genital preference, or just enjoy giving and receiving different kinds of sexual activities. I had a girlfriend who hated giving and receiving oral sex, and even in the lesbian community there are those who only give or only receive. Whatever the reason for your dislike of certain activities, please remember that they are all valid! You should not feel pressured into doing something you don’t enjoy even if it’s simply because you don’t enjoy it.
That brings us to your relationship with your boyfriend, but this is also valid for any possible future partner as well. There are all kinds of relationships, and they all take different forms with varying degrees of romantic/sexual/platonic. After some soul searching you have to decide whether you yourself feel fulfilled in the relationship, whether there is any change you could see in the current relationship that could make you more fulfilled and happy, and then discuss with your partner these things and what they would require to be fulfilled and happy. Communication and compromise. This could be keeping your romantic relationship but having your sexual needs met by other parties, polyamory, or even just being friends if it comes to it. Or you might feel it best to just make a clean break of things, it’s up to you. Just remember that these things will also be important with future relationships, that no one person needs to provide you with everything you want in a relationship, and labels like lesbian or bisexual or heteroromantic are useful descriptors not straightjackets for your life and lifestyle. People are messy things and tend not to fit into neat categories and that’s okay!
Just a general note to say that I appreciate you, Summer! Your responses to asks are always so thoughtful, comprehensive, and kind.