Relationships change. Relationships end. It’s not inconsiderate to move forward; sometimes being a good ex means maintaining boundaries.
No matter how cautious we try to be, we are going to hurt people. The question then becomes: when is it worth it?
Welcome to the first installment of #PolyamoryProblems, a new advice column on Autostraddle. There are countless things I wish I had known before I started out, and lucky for you I’m here to tell you the things that will hopefully make your transition into polyamorous relationships much smoother.
The dynamic between white men and Asian partners is uncomfortable. There’s always a worry that they’re interested in what you represent, not who you are.
Your mom is making this about herself, and it’s not fair to you.
No one is bad at sex.
Stretching can certainly prevent your muscles from getting sore, but focusing on your posture and form will give you the best finger sex results.
Who were your fictional heroes? What were the stories that were told to you in the songs that you played on loop? Who were the artists who sang them, and how did their lives – so close to fiction anyway, by virtue of Hollywood tabloid culture – create stories for you? What did you imagine for yourself, as a teen?
You can’t change your partner, or her sex drive. All you can change is the situation you’re in.
“She promised not to make things awkward between us, since she knows I’m not available, and hoped it wouldn’t make things awkward on my end – but here’s the problem. It is awkward!”
It becomes increasingly difficult to ask individuals to make huge personal sacrifices, at great cost, when it is clear the government is doing almost nothing to move us toward a different world.
Time won’t necessarily “fix” it, but the more distance you have from the relationship and the more time you invest in healthy coping mechanisms, the less destabilizing these thoughts will feel.
“Here is the good news—your best friend does have a therapist! Here is the bad news—that therapist is you!”
Part of decentering romantic relationships from our lives, part of being independent, part of seeking a kind of individuality that cisheteropatriarchy denies, has to include removing a value judgement from these very things.
You owe it to yourself and your partner to be honest.
My family is part of the problem, but if I choose to just ignore this fact, do I become part of the problem too?
If you use this opportunity to sharpen your communication, your dynamic will be stronger (and hotter) on the other side of a crisis.
Why does gay male sex turn you on if you’re a lesbian and is it okay? Plus, conflicting ideas about isolating & dating during quarantine, cheering up your partner over long distance, parents and mental health and Covid-19, SO MANY mixed signals from your ex wife who’s in another relationship and…should you fuck your boss?!?!?! Things are a mess out there, but at least we have each other and 26 questions from readers like you!
Your rawness and tenderness is a primal signal that you are alive. It’s exhausting and there’s no way to turn it off. Let yourself breathe through this, and trust that it is not a waste of time to devote your energy to the work of becoming.
There’s who you’re physically/romantically attracted to, and then there’s who you want to date, and then there’s who you want to sleep with — and all of these can be different things, all of which can also change! Yet we’re expected to align under a single label.