Q:
My partner doesn’t want to do anything with me? This isn’t entirely true—they have a robust social life, hang out with their family weekly, often with me included, and have solo hangs with friends regularly. When they’re not actively tied up in social engagements or working, they’re usually on the couch scrolling. I have a bad time with social media and don’t decompress the same way. So when I want to connect one-on-one, I’ve been suggesting “leaving the house” activities to limit the phone interface aspect that makes me feel both irritated and lonely. However, they are rarely down to do this with me—whether it’s meeting my friends for drinks, hiking, going climbing, doing a family activity I suggest, or just going for a walk around the park. Another aspect is that both our doctors recently have iterated that we need to get more active, hence some of those suggestions. I’ve communicated these concerns, and started doing more on my own to limit the resentment I feel when I “never get to do what I want,” but this leads to them feeling left behind/isolated and me feeling annoyed at their reactions. We used to be more impulsively active together all the time, and I miss the connections we formed through the curious spontaneity we shared. I’m out of my seasonal depression, and I miss my adventure buddy! How can we find common ground?
A:
So you’re out of your seasonal depression, but is your partner? I mean, I don’t want to armchair diagnose, especially when it comes to the person who didn’t write in a letter, but your partner’s general disinterest in things they used to enjoy does signal to me that something is happening here, mental health-wise. And if your partner is struggling right now, the scrolling likely isn’t helping.
That said, I’m curious if you have had any conversations about the scrolling and, if so, how those were framed. I get that the scrolling makes you feel lonely and frustrated, but I also can see how someone might feel attacked if having their scrolling habits harshly criticized. I think there are ways to have an open and productive conversation about the scrolling, but it has to start from a place of understanding and empathy. There are a lot of studies and articles out there that refute the utility of scrolling when it comes to “decompression.” The TLDR? You aren’t actually decompressing; you’re just tricking your brain into thinking you are. Now, again, I don’t think you passive aggressively sending these links to your partner will get you anywhere, but have you tried asking them how scrolling on the couch actually makes them feel? Even just asking that might make them see and think about the behavior in a different light and could open the door to a conversation about the negative impact endless scrolling can have on mental health.
It’s tricky, because not only is the time spent scrolling taking away from time that could be spent out doing active things with you, but the scrolling could be causing them to further isolate and lose general interest in being out in the world. It’s reassuring that they at least do keep social plans with their own friends, but it seems like they have come to associate their “home life” with scrolling on the couch and staying indoors, and as their live-in partner, you are part of that home life, so they aren’t making any time to connect with you. Y’all have gotten yourselves into a tricky cycle of resentment and frustration, so some sort of common ground needs to be found here.
Have you tried asking why they don’t want to do certain activities you’ve suggested? Have you tried asking them what they want to do? Have you asked them if they feel connected to you right now? My guess is, like you, they are also discontent with the lack of intentional time spent together, even if they’re the reason for it. I think this is evidenced by their reaction to you doing things on their own, a reaction that isn’t fair given that you are trying to include them, but people don’t always behave logically when stuck in these kinds of self-destructive cycles.
I think you both need to have a conversation about how you would like to spend time together. Leave past gripes and grievances behind in this conversation and keep the focus on how you would both like to connect with one another. Don’t accuse or criticize. Rather than saying “I wish you would spend less time scrolling on your phone,” try something like “I wish you could be more present with me.” Rather than “our doctors say we need to be more active,” try something like “I miss the adventures we used to have.” Y’all’s needs can be different; that doesn’t automatically mean incompatibility. But you need to talk about what each of your needs are before you can begin to find some compromises.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
