‘My Girlfriend Thinks My Friends Are Judging Her’

Q:

My girlfriend (of just over two years) doesn’t like any of my friends. I’ve more or less come to peace with that fact. A lot of my closest friends are from college, we go way back, and even though I feel like a different person now than I was then, I still feel close to them (even the ones who haven’t changed as much as I have) and they are a really big part of my life. My girlfriend and I met at a totally different time in my life, so I can kind of see why she feels like the person she dates is different from the person I am around these college friends when I really think about it. I don’t think I’m two COMPLETELY different people, but I get where she’s coming from, I do.

It’s not so much the fact that she doesn’t get along with them that bothers me (anymore…) it’s the reason. She feels judged by them. To my knowledge, I can’t think of a single instance where my friends were outwardly or even implicitly judgmental towards her. But my girlfriend has some insecurity (that she’s aware of and acknowledges) around the fact that she doesn’t feel as “smart” as my friends. I tell her all the time that this isn’t true. She is smart; her interests are just different than theirs. I don’t know how it has turned into her thinking she is not only unintelligent around them but also made to FEEL unintelligent. She’s always pointing out how we’re all big readers and she is not, but again, no one (myself included!) has ever called attention to the fact that she doesn’t read many books or engage with the same things we engage with and talk about when we’re together.

Any time I notice her not being a part of the conversation, it seems more like a choice she is making rather than intentional exclusion by anyone else in the group. We’ve sort of resolved to just keeping our social lives pretty separate, and I think it works for the most part.

But sometimes I DO wish I could have the life I see others have where I get to spend time with both my girlfriend and my friends at the same time (not all the time, but at least sometimes…) without it feeling strained or awkward and without us having to rehash afterward because she’s feeling judged. I don’t like being made to feel like my friends’ characters are something they are not. How can I better assure my girlfriend she’s not being judged and that she really is quite welcome at these gatherings? Is it sustainable for us to keep our social lives entirely separate?

A:

Sometimes, someone writes in a letter where I feel like I can’t be more helpful because it’s the wrong person writing the letter, and I feel like this might be one of those times. I wish so much that your girlfriend had written me a letter asking how she can become more secure about your friends and spending time with them. I wish she were the one wanting to make an effort here.

Our partners do not have to immediately befriend our friends themselves, but there does need to be a level of respect there, and assuming bad intent where there is none is not very respectful. If I am to take you at your word about the fact that your friends — and you! — are not judgemental of your girlfriend for not being a prolific reader or whatever else she’s insecure about, then I don’t think there’s really much else you can do to assure your girlfriend about it. You’ve tried. Is she able to give specific examples of how and when she has felt judged? Have you asked? I assume yes, but if you haven’t, definitely do so. And if her response to questions like that is just to become defensive, that’s concerning. She should be able to say where these feelings are coming from — or if they are paranoid/anxious thoughts that do not have a direct cause from the things said or done by your friends, then she should be able to recognize THAT.

Again, she does not have to love your friends, but unless these friendships are in some way harmful to you, some effort should be made on her part to connect. I always find it a little awkward and off-putting when a good friend’s partner wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I don’t need them to like me, but I do need to feel like they care. Because friendships are a big part of our lives! You’re talking about long-time college friends! Friends who have seen you through multiple iterations of yourself! That’s like family. Are your friends putting in an effort to get to know and include your girlfriend? Are they asking her questions about things she IS interested in? Then that should be reciprocated. People don’t have to have a million things in common to be able to talk to each other. I’m always perplexed by people who think otherwise! Listen, if I can socialize with the straight white suburban moms I play tennis with…your girlfriend can talk to your friends despite interests not lining up.

It’s funny — your girlfriend sort of comes off as the judgmental one here, making assumptions about your friends despite your assurances to the contrary. I’m sure her anxiety about judgment is rooted in something deeper/from her past. But that’s sort of on her to work through and figure out and shouldn’t be projected onto your friendships.

I do think there are situations in which two people in a relationship can have pretty separate social lives, and I think it’s important for there to be at least SOME separation of social lives in any relationship. But I don’t think it works to keep things entirely separate all of the time, especially when you WANT the alternative and want to be able to hang out with friends and your girlfriend at the same time — not a bad thing to want btw! I think many conversations about this need to be had with your girlfriend, but I also think she has some self-work she needs to do and needs to WANT to do it. Because I also think this tension could speak to deeper embedded issues or incompatibility. Best to address it head on rather than just waiting for it to feel easier, because I’m not sure if this type of tension will ever feel easier. Does your girlfriend see it as a problem though, and is she willing to work with you to fix it? You’ll have to start there.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.