‘Am I Transgender and Man Enough?’

Q:

Hiiii y’all cool people out there!

I was wondering if y’all can help me; My name is Raphael, i use He/They pronouns, I’ve identified as a nonbinary transgender man for 10+ years

HOWEVER

I am also not out, non-dysphoric, and am also genuinely liking my body as is and I dress very femininely whenever the occasion arrives; basically from the outside, I look like a cisgender woman. Being a bisexual who primarily likes men doesn’t help either; I really do not know if me not being flagged as queer by anyone is a blessing or a curse

I first started to identify as a transgender man when I saw people writing on Tumblr about the discourse between transmedicalist vs “tucute” trans people, and from the “tucute” side which I immediately side for, I learned that being a transgender man doesn’t mean one have to be super masculine and transitioned so much that you’re super stealth

…but why do I still feel like I am not transgender (and Man) enough?

No matter how much i know that non-dysphoric trans people exists, are valid, and are cherished within the community, I just can’t seem to be comfortable enough when other people call me “Sir” or it’s equivalent in my mother’s language; all i felt when being called a “man” is the fear of having to embody this very traditional masculinity that is imposed to both cis and transgender men, and this feeling persists even when nobody even implicitly expect me to “be a man”

being called “sir” “bro” “guy” “dude” is great, but somehow i feel like they weren’t meant for me, y’know? and i don’t know if it’s simply me not being used to be addressed masculinely, or maybe i am not a man at all?

I hope this question finds it’s way to some consolation or even solutions, thanks for reading!

Best Regards,
Raphael <3

A:

Good to meet you, Raphael.

I’m very interested in your experience, because the internal worlds of trans people who aren’t medically transitioned don’t get discussed often. Every trans person I know (myself included) went through a period of doubt about our destination genders. Even people who were concretely sure of their gender internally faced doubt around the time they came out or began thinking about it more seriously.

I mean, I’m the most stereotypically feminine person among the trans women I’ve met, and I started my transition by calling myself non-binary until I felt ready to take on the label of trans woman. In my case, I didn’t feel like I’d ‘earned’ my new gender’s titles yet. I identified as non-binary to mark myself as queer while I worked my way toward womanhood. It was a bridge identity that didn’t place expectations or stress on me to be ‘womanly’.

I think gendered expectations are part of your discomfort too. You (correctly) noted that the titles of masculinity come with the baggage of masculinity. And masculinity has a lot of harmful baggage. There’s an expectation for men to present and act in a masculine way—good and bad—and I think it’s causing a disconnect between your mainly feminine presentation and identity. That friction is felt as discomfort or nervousness about who has ‘failed’ here. Has society failed because it’s set a firm idea of masculinity that leaves no space for feminine presentation? Or have I failed because I’m not meeting the norms of people around me?

Self-identification is where it all begins

I’m big on telling people that their internal sense of self and identity are valid. I fully believe that if someone internally declares themselves a certain identity (bigender, gay, bisexual, trans, etc.), that’s enough to make it true. I think it’s important to do that because it allows queer people to exist in places where they absolutely cannot be out—like countries where queerness is a crime, or worse, a capital crime. Self-identification is also a starting point for types of queerness that need time to develop and learn, like being trans. Many (perhaps most) of us who transitioned in adulthood were raised according to our assigned gender. Many of us embodied our assigned gender fully. Trans women who previously lived as men and enlisted in the armed forces know all about that. People who start with self-identification need the validation it gives because everything else in their life isn’t in place yet.

Self-identification and validating it are important, but it’s not always enough. For most trans people, self-identifying as trans without making any changes feels incomplete. If self-identification were truly enough, none of us would seek a medical transition, change our state paperwork, or present ourselves differently. Every one of us has a different doorway we need to cross before we feel aligned to our internal self-identification. Some people never cross that final doorway and keep pushing forever.

For what it’s worth, I only felt aligned to my transfeminine identity once I was always being read as a woman by strangers. I grew up in a worldview (and country) where we transitioned to the opposite binary gender and vanished into society. That worldview of needing to ‘pass’ as your gender comes with a lot of harm, but it was so deeply cut into my mind that I couldn’t get rid of it. I’m glad that newer and especially younger trans people don’t feel that pressure as viciously.

The reason I discussed the need and shortcomings of self-identification is that I think it’s relevant to your position. You’re concerned about not feeling transgender enough. That’s completely okay for any trans person. In fact, it’s one of the most ‘transgender’ things anyone can do. Doubt and reflection are part of the process. But if you feel misaligned with your gender identity, I think it’s a good idea to think about what you can do to feel more aligned.

Do you want to feel more masculine in your life? If you do, there are ways of doing it without buying fully into the harmful parts of masculinity. Adding a bit more masculinity or non-femininity to your life could keep you grounded in your identity. These changes don’t have to be obvious to the public. A switch to a men’s/gender neutral deodorant could help. Buying socks from the menswear section (they usually last longer anyway). Adding a men’s wallet to your daily accessories. Socks, wallets, and deodorant don’t define your gender, but making a conscious decision about it can give your mind something to anchor to. It’ll make it easier to claim masculinity because you are acting out some of it—even if it’s quiet.

The social aspect of transition

Transness does not have to be ‘earned’. Promoting that only encourages gatekeeping queerness and locking out people who are early or uncertain in their journey. I gleefully tell people that being queer is not an exclusive club. We are everywhere, and I think gatekeeping human diversity and subjectivity is how we got into this queerphobic, everything-phobic mess in the first place.

Even so, gender isn’t completely internal. Feeling ‘complete’ in our gender unfortunately requires external recognition and validation. Earlier, I mentioned that self-identification isn’t enough for trans people because if it were truly all we needed, none of us would crave a medical, legal transition, or social transition. These extra steps validate our gender. That validation travels to the two most important entities in any transition: yourself and society. Validating society’s expectations of gender can be harmful and you’ve already noticed that, so I want to talk about the more important character: you.

I respect the fact that your transition doesn’t involve a social transition or being openly trans. But the whole time I’ve been writing this, I can’t stop myself from thinking that you’re already being a guy about this.

Listen to me, Raphael. I’m so sorry to tell you this. But worrying about not being manly or bro enough is… the most basic guy thing to do. So much of masculinity—toxic and non-toxic—is built on meeting a standard of masculinity. Those standards vary a lot. Some are stereotypical (wealth, aggression, sexual competition) and others are divergent (teamwork, determination, humility). Whether or not someone identifies with stereotypical masculinity or something different, identifying with masculinity comes with a need to check that masculinity against some kind of criteria.

The way out of it is to reject gendered traits completely. To ask ourselves why any trait like ‘nurturing’ or ‘courage’ has to be gendered and why can’t people just…be. Some people say a non-toxic man is someone who considers themselves a man and lets go of all of the other traits and stereotypes and does whatever they want. Because they know that using makeup or crying over how sweet their pets are won’t change the fact that they’re still men. Because the fact that they call themselves men is good enough. That comes back around to the statement that self-identification should be enough. It can certainly be enough for those men, but that state can only be reached by releasing yourself from all the criteria and traits of masculinity. Even ones that might be considered manly-but-positive.

I don’t know how reading any of this will make you feel. But this is the social aspect of transition at work. I’ve never met you, but I already consider you a man. You introduced yourself as Raphael, you go by he/they, and you’re on the internet asking about whether you’re manly enough. That’s manly to me. If you still want to pursue manhood more, there are non-toxic, covert ways of doing it. You don’t have to come out as transmasc to achieve them, either. The only standard you should really try to meet is the one that makes you feel fulfilled.