Oh, what a year it’s been! In 2014, Autostraddle’s own Gothip Girl (and other dedicated writers) served up important investigative journalism regarding the greatest issues facing queer women today: what famous queer women are up to, who they’re kissing, what they’re eating for lunch. To honor this successful year of hard-hitting reports, we’ve assembled a few of the most life-altering things that have happened in Vapid Fluff within the past twelve months.
10. Melanie B Says She Used To Be A Lesbian Sometimes
We’ve given our dear Melanie Brown a lot of flak on Autostraddle dot com this year for statements she’s made to various press outlets regarding her previous relationships, many of which happened to be with ladies. Nobody ever said we were put on this earth to police how public figures (or anybody really) choose to identify themselves, but Melanie often brushed off her (significant) relationships with women as a crazy phase she’d gone through and spoke glowingly of how she’d moved past all that now that she’s married to a man. Were we too critical of Scary Spice’s flippant remarks? Is it responsible for a very public figure to distance herself from her own fluid sexuality and dismiss her previous dalliances as being less meaningful than her marriage to a man? Was it OK when Jessie J declared that her bisexuality had actually been a phase, or when Raven-Symoné told Oprah earlier this year that she doesn’t want the world to see her as “African-American” or “gay,” but as a “colourless” human being who just loves other human beings? Should we hold celebrities to a higher standard when it comes to queer visibility? Do we have the right to demand that from these people? These are the questions that keep us up at night. Anyway, it gave us a very excellent reason to comb Tumblr for appropriate Peggy Peabody gifs, so thanks a bunch, Melanie! We wish you a happy and prosperous 2015.
9: Keira Knightley Went To Prom With A Lady
It didn’t happen this year, but the revelation that British pretty person Keira Knightley took a girl to prom sometime in the early 2000s affected the entire Autostraddle staff in a deep and meaningful way. According to Ms Knightley, the celebrated affair took place during the shooting of Bend It Like Beckham, arguably Keira’s gayest film, and that she wore leather pants and a crop top. Her BFF Emily (a model, apparently) arrived in ripped jeans and a tie. They kissed for a photograph, and were subsequently chastised by school administrators for inappropriate behaviour. My esteemed colleague Laura took the time to assemble this imaginary play-by-play of the alleged events. None of us knew it at the time, but now that we’re aware of this momentous occasion, we will never be the same.
8. Taylor Swift Maybe Held Her Face Close To Another Girl’s Face
Recently, Taylor Swift attended a rock concert at Terminal 5 in New York with Karlie Kloss, a famous white lady who looks a whole lot like Taylor Swift. The music was very loud, and it was difficult for the two of them to hear each others’ angelic voices during the 1975’s presumably brilliant set. At one point, Taylor grabbed Karlie, pushed her face very close to her friend’s face and shouted directly into her ear, “HEY! I’M GOING TO THE BAR IN A MINUTE, WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER SHIRLEY TEMPLE?!?!?!” Just then, an enterprising young paparazzo on the floor below shot a grainy iPhone photo and determined that the two were obviously kissing. As much as I’d love to believe this one, I’m not sure I buy it — there are just so many other plausible possibilities! I would also like to consider the theory that Karlie had suffered a head injury earlier that day, and Taylor was closely examining her pupils to make sure she didn’t have a concussion. With her tongue.
7. OMG Kristen Stewart Just Date Me Already
Kristen Stewart is a woman of many secrets. The disaffected young actress was brave enough to reveal her poetry to the world in 2014, but not the nature of her relationship with Alicia Cargile. She put on a goddamn mustache and full-body tracksuit for a Jenny Lewis video, got herself a super-flattering alternative lifestyle haircut and hung out with Jodie Foster. She taunted us all year long with possibilities, but as the year draws to a close we can only speculate as to how gay this picture actually is:
6. Brittney Griner Gets Engaged
It was a magical day for basketball enthusiasts and people who enjoy preciousness in general as inspirational human being Brittney Griner proposed to her girlfriend, fellow WNBA player Glory Johnson. This was a momentous occasion not only because they’re high-profile out athletes, but because they’re on opposing teams. When they play against each other, there is gonna be some crazy A League Of Their Own loyalty shit happening, probably. I don’t know how basketball works.
5. Michelle Rodriguez And Cara Delehooha Get Really Drunk at a Basketball Game
In other sports-related news, these two. Michelle Rodriguez had long been cagey about her sexuality, but when she met animate pair of eyebrows Cara Delevingne, she fell dramatically in love and lost her sense of give-a-fuck. They traipsed adorably around, petting illegal tigers and having great skin, but the two really took it to another level when they got piss-drunk at a Knicks game. Sloppy makeouts and amazing facial expressions were plentiful, and luckily photographers were on hand to painstakingly document all of it. As we reach the end of 2014, we must acknowledge that Michelle and Cara have gone their separate ways, but in their heart of hearts they will always have that night. So will we.
4. Angel Haze And Ireland Baldwin Make Me Vomit All Over Instagram
At first, we weren’t sure about these two! Were they maybe just really good friends? Really good friends who get matching tattoos and kiss each other and roll around in the grass and adopt puppies together? Luckily, Angel Haze was on hand to set the record straight. “We fuck, and friends don’t fuck,” she informed the Independent, and there you have it. Since then, the two have been spotted canoodling all over the world, tweeting gooey messages at each other and staring at each other all googly-eyed. More recently, Haze posted several pictures of the two sporting pretty official-looking rings. Guys, they’re being gross. They’re so in love and have to tell everybody about it and like, we GET it already, OK? Ugh.
3. Lauren Morelli And Samira Wiley Publicly Hold Hands And Do Adorable Shit
Season 2 of Orange Is The New Black was a Very Big Deal to almost everyone, and when it premiered right in the goddamn middle of my city’s pride, you best believe I stayed inside and watched all of it in one sitting instead of going outside and meeting other human beings. Samira Wiley’s character Poussey had a much meatier role this season, and in doing so she confirmed once and for all that her character was queer. Just a couple of months later, the world learned that Samira herself was involved in a relationship with lovely OITNB writer Lauren Morelli. Throw in a quick mention of that time Jackie Cruz (OITNB’s Flaca) made out with Kourtney Kardashian and it’s been a pretty intense year for everybody.
2. Ellen Page Comes Out, Takes A Lady To Whole Foods
Where were you when you heard that Ellen Page had finally come out of the closet this past February? It was Valentine’s Day, and I was at the Burbank Ikea on a romantic excursion with DeAnne Smith, buying an electric screwdriver. Seriously, that’s where I was; did you know they have a Valentine’s Day buffet? Anyway, this was a glorious moment for queer women everywhere, and celebrations were held worldwide. We’d all known for years, but for Ellen to bravely come forwards was an important and momentous occasion for us all. After the dust settled, there was one question on everybody’s minds: does this mean *I* get to date Ellen Page?!?!? Unless you are this blonde lady she took to Whole Foods, the answer is no. With their arms draped casually across each others’ waists, they perused organic produce and overpriced spaghetti sauce in a visibly romantic fashion. They probably paid $30 each for salads. They regretted nothing.
1. Evan Rachel Wood And Kate Moennig Date Briefly
I’m gonna be honest with you, you guys, this relationship was my bread and butter in 2014. When we prayed earlier this spring that newly single Evan Rachel Wood would publicly date a lady, we never imagined that she would wrangle the wildest lesbian mustang of all, Kate Moennig (née Shane from the L Word). They flirted via Twitter, they stood sort of near each other at a fancy gala, they snuggled furtively as paparazzi took creepy shots of them while they waited for the valet to fetch one of their cars. We here at Autostraddle hitched our dream wagon to these two, and we were absolutely crushed when their great romance fizzled after only just a few weeks. In 2015, we respectfully hope that our darling Evan Rachel Wood finds true love, and we not-so-secretly hope it’s with one of us.
Gothip Girl is doing the Lord’s work. Hallelujah and Amen.
Wait wait wait wait Ikea sells electric screwdrivers?
it’s not a good electric screwdriver at all, i don’t recommend it BUT the little bento box-lookin packages of screws and anchors and nails are really nice.
Née Shane from the Lword –> so many LOLs
Gothip girl is The Truth.
“lost her sense of give-a-fuck” made me snort
#6, the wnba really IS more interesting than the nba, isn’t it? I’ve heard that women’s basketball usually has more interesting strategy than men’s, but now two wnba players are getting married?
Next time people bring up sports to me, I should just tell them to call me when two nba players get engaged. Or when two nfl players get engaged (lots of football fans in my area.)
just here to say i love this and would love to consume as much vapid fluff in the new year as possible
hear hear! a fine resolution for all of us
” It was Valentine’s Day, and I was at the Burbank Ikea on a romantic excursion with DeAnne Smith, buying an electric screwdriver.”
Dream date right there.
(Only half kidding, tool-shopping is great)
Waiting for the pap shots and sensationalised headlines of this Ikea trip.
DeAnne Smith caught rocking in Stef’s POÄNG
Will BILLY come between Stef and DeAnne?
Stef and DeAnne: RIBBAd for their pleasure
i didn’t know i loved ikea puns until right this second, like real sound came out of my mouth as i experienced laughter
This was just as fun as reading the original stories!
This article needs a correction. It’s not Evan Rachel Wood, it’s Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual.
It’s been a wonderful year for vapid fluff.
And what a year it was…
Thank you Stef, for this important recap of this year’s most important important-things. This sounds sarcastic but it’s really, really not.
Keep doing God’s work, Gothip Girl. Thank you.
Here’s to a 2015 full of vapid fluff.
Vapid fluff: the perfect acid/sweet/salty/umami/chilli satirical Muse of No Fucks Given to the bland lonely ivory tower of non hilarious and unentertaining academic feminism.
Thank you to EVERYONE to contributed to Vapid Fluff this year bringing levity, laughs, laconicness, satire, No Fucks Given to Sacredness, nothing above being poked at. You make my days so much better. Special thanks to Stef!!
Keep on infotaining us, as we need to be
A) Educated and
Thankyou for Vapid Fluff and may it get more Vapid and grow more dreadlocky type Fluff.
Where was I when Ellen Page came out? Headed to my first ever gay bar (sadly it was gay boys because Minneapolis is surprisingly lacking.) It was a memorable night, but what I’ll always remember most is seeing Ellen’s face plastered all over AfterEllen
Thank Goth for Gothip Girl.
This article just made the ending of my 2014 THE. FUCKING. BEST. Hoozah!
The sweet, sweet anecdote to an otherwise shitty year. Thanks for the round-up!