BREAKING: Ellen Page Affectionately Visits Whole Foods With Female Companion

Once again, our favorite and most reliable news publication, The Daily Mail, has released a desperately important story regarding the romantic activities of a female celebrity. In this case, the lady in question is Our Lady Of The Moment, Ellen Page. Page was spotted in New York City yesterday holding hands with a “mystery blonde.” If you want to see the photos you should go to The Daily Mail because we just got in trouble for posting them here. Which is too bad because our captions were funnier than theirs. (ETA: you can also see the pictures here if you would like to avoid supporting The Daily Fail.)

“Ellen Page got affectionate in Manhattan’s Nolita neighbourhood Sunday with her first girlfriend since making the milestone,” writes The Daily Mail. “The 27-year-old Oscar nominee wrapped her arms around the taller mystery blonde, who was equally handsy with her.” Regarding whether or not these embraces were truly reflective of an actual relationship, Lesbian Affection Expert Laneia Nicole told me via skype chat, “i don’t think you walk like this w/ people who are not your gf.”

Activities participated in by the happy maybe-couple included lunch at Cafe Habana, visiting McNally Jackson Books, and shopping at Whole Foods. “lunch, bookstore, whole foods?” skype-chatted Whole Foods Expert Laneia Nicole. “this is like lesbian 101 here. but I think this reporter is mistaken, in that it was probs brunch and not lunch.”

This past week has been filled with quite a few momentous occasions for Ellen Page. Last week, she told Seth Meyers that she, like so many other young lezzers, has a big fat lesbian crush on Rachel Maddow.

http://youtu.be/4Tb2ujK2scU

She also participated in a truly excellent interview and photoshoot with The Hollywood Reporterin which she discussed the coming out process, her struggles with depression, and her working relationship with her manager, 47-year-old power lesbian Kelly Bush, and also basically her entire life.

hollywood-reporter

I’m so sick of everyone assuming that just ’cause I’m a tiny person I want all of my beverages in tiny cups

She also appeared on The Colbert Report last week, where she bravely came out as a Canadian.

Furthermore, Ellen Page attended the New York City premiere of X-Men: Days Of Future Past, which has the word “men” in the title, but also the word “future,” so I might go see it. Ellen Page plays Kitty Pryde, a name which is just about as gay as it gets. Here she is with Hugh Jackman, who plays Wolverine (I know that because I’ve seen most of the X-Men movies and was just kidding about only maybe seeing it):

Can I pick you up? Just a little bit? I promise it won't be weird!

Can I pick you up? Just a little bit? I promise it won’t be weird! YOU’RE JUST SO TINY!

In other news, Ellen Page has not yet responded to Sissy Spacek Scholar Laneia Watson’s request to co-author a Sissy Spacek fanzine.


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Riese is the 35-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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48 Comments

  1. before I even read this I want to thank you for tagging it “vapid fluff” so that I know it’s NOT GOING TO PROVIDE ME WITH THE INTENSE DOUR FEMINISM I NEED TO KEEP LIVING.

    Could this piece of VAPID FLUFF possibly fund a deep, incisive takedown of the lesbian bourgeoisie and what is whole foods REALLY? thanks autostraddle.

    • AS could invite Diana Clarke to head the INTENSE DOUR DIFFICULT EXISTENTIALIST HETEROSEXIST PRIVELEGE 24/7 SERIOUS FEMINIST and QUEERS MUST BE BEATEN DOWN AND STRUGGLING,ALWAYS STRUGGLING,TO BE LEGITIMATE, also UNREALISTIC ACADEMIC COMMUNICATION FEMINISM IS COMPULSORY BECAUSE REAL COMMUNICATION IS GLIB AND UNMEANINGFUL AND IS BOURGEOIS as an ongoing column. Who would slit their wrists first or go and rock endlessly drooling in corner, muttering “I’m ok, I’m ok”. Bonus points to those who SURVIVE LONGEST without death.

  2. ALSO FROM THAT DAILY MAIL ARTICLE:
    “Ellen and Evan Rachel Wood will soon play sisters in a remote forest who make an apocalyptic discovery for the sci-fi drama Into the Forest.”

    that situation will require at least 3 separate articles of “vapid fluff”

  3. Somehow whenever I have a huge stress week/deadlines/work-mares you post a wonderful Ellen Page based piece which keeps me going. Hooray for vapid fluff, and thank you for your continued dedication to providing it to those who need it.

  4. I am reading this article and petting my kittycat (not a euphemism) while eating breakfast. I can’t INTENSE DOUR FEMINISM before 9am so cheers lads. It allows me to commit more fully to not smiling or thinking a single non-academic thought for the 12 hour Feminist Workday.

  5. BACK UP, HOLD THE PHONE — Ellen Page is producing and starring in Into the Forest? One of my all time favorite books that nobody’s heard of? This is a totally rad, dark, feminist book, y’all. And Ellen Page not only has read it but is making it into a movie. This may be the rare film adaptation I’m excited about….

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