feature images via Getty
In mid-October, we breathlessly reported that the glorious romantic union of fictional Lothario Kate Moennig and Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual was a real thing happening in our lives. We were delighted to learn that two very goodlooking, very famous human beings were maybe/definitely kissing each other on the regular. How innocent we were then! So young and full of promise! It is with our deepest regrets that we inform you that according to trustworthy sources at Us Magazine, our favourite power-couple of 2014 may have gone their separate ways. We never even got to give them a catchy name!
Although the two had been reportedly text-flirting since February of 2013, it seems that the relationship itself was only a couple of months or maybe even weeks old – a great deal of anticipation for a relationship that burned too brightly, and could not last. You were too pure for this world, Kate and Evan. The world just wasn’t ready.
A forlorn Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual has been tweeting very sad things, the modern equivalent of leaving a bunch of heart-wrenching Fiona Apple lyrics in your AIM away message.
…all the time, to keep you off my mind!
— Evan Rachel Wood (@evanrachelwood) October 27, 2014
ok excuse me everyone, 2001 throwback song of the day ‘gone’ #nsync — Evan Rachel Wood (@evanrachelwood) November 3, 2014
Kate Moennig has tweeted a lot about television shows she’s been watching.
To be fair, the only solid evidence we have of this (dreamy) affair is their singular appearance at a Los Angeles gala last month – beyond that, their relationship remains a complete mystery. The two were rarely photographed together, never spotted gazing lovingly into each others’ eyes over a $30 kale salad, never adopted a rescue cat together. A solid 99.9% of their relationship happened inside my own imagination.
Like the relationship itself, the reasons for the break-up have been very private. At this time, there is no reason to suspect that Moennig left Wood at the altar at a picturesque ski resort in British Columbia, paid for by a very rich British woman the couple barely knew. A source tells Us that the split may only be a break, which fills our hearts with hope for the future.
Commenters on said Us Magazine article made sure to remind Evan Rachel Wood that she only just divorced her husband (determined ballet dancer Jamie Bell) this past spring, and that probably she isn’t really bisexual anyway. Those people are all gross.
In these trying times, dear reader, we hope that both Moennig and Wood are taking excellent care of themselves, not watching each others’ movies obsessively and crying in the shower (which is what I’d be doing/am doing, whatever). Evan, if you want to get brunch and talk about your feelings, I’m around all week and I’ll even buy you a mimosa. It’s good to get out of the house, girl. We’re all here for you.
…Oh girl.
this is really tragic news but this coverage is perfect. i can always count on Stef to deliver vapid fluff with speed, accuracy, and a healthy does of imagination. i yearn for the day gothip girl becomes a regular column.
i second this motion
Funniest article I have read in a long time. Still laughing out loud!
I need to know where this gif came from. For hotness reasons.
Um…that moment is between 2 brothers from a cinematic masterpiece Americans of Sicilian descent have a love-hate relationship that and is a rather famous film, The Godfather II.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071562/
It is not a sexy moment unless you like the spark of fratricide and familial betrayal, ah wait…that is the Thor/Loki fandom in a nutshell.
O_O
Oh no.
oh. It sucks that they have broken up, if this is true. Stef this is how good a writer you are, you have me upset and brooding on the failure of a relationship that may have never happened but for your imagination and enabling my desperate fantasy for attractive women to find each other and build nests together. Such potential poured to the 4 winds
Cutting journalism as always, Stef.
(ps my phone renamed you Steve)
“At this time, there is no reason to suspect that Moennig left Wood at the altar at a picturesque ski resort in British Columbia, paid for by a very rich British woman the couple barely knew.” … Okay I actually just snort LOL’d! Thank you for making this crappy day bareable!
I accidentally just ‘liked’ my own comment and now feel like pretentious ass… How do I recover from this!?
So all thanks to the dailymail, our most stalkerish, how can that be legal, leave these people alone newspaper here in the uk, I have seen photographic proof, there are drapped arms and hand holding.I didn’t want to post the link here in case it gets you in trouble.
Maybe next week they will report them in different towns in different 24 shops both wearing comfy over sized clothes, buying giant tubs of ice cream and half bottles of gin.
Sad situation room status
Thank you for your breathless reporting
Ha I have a chance now! Time to scoop in for the kill
And we didn’t even get photos of them together :'(
Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual, come to the LA straddlers meet ups! we can talk about it. You’ll feel better. I mean it.
“You’re gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I’m missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh”
“To be fair, the only solid evidence we have of this (dreamy) affair is their singular appearance at a Los Angeles gala last month – beyond that, their relationship remains a complete mystery. The two were never photographed together, never spotted gazing lovingly into each others’ eyes over a $30 kale salad, never adopted a rescue cat together. A solid 99.9% of their relationship happened inside my own imagination.”
To be fair, they were photographed multiple times together, including a set of photographs where Moennig’s arms were wrapped around Wood with Wood’s fingers interlocked with Moennig’s. Maybe you should do just a tiny bit of research before posting an article?
yeess… this is all true…. a lot of us play for both team imagination and team reality…. what do you know that Stef doesn’t?
Show me your evidence, preferably in photographs… photoshop optional… (especially interlocking hands of Kate Moennig and Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual), please?? :):):)
http://www.justjared.com/2014/10/24/evan-rachel-wood-snuggles-up-with-katherine-moennig-in-first-pictures-together/
the matching outfits are especially choice
Thanks for the hard evidence, Stef! still, damn it!
Even Rachel Wood Bisexual, is that you? It’s okay. We know it was real. It gets better! People break up all the time!
Damnit, Evan! Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual. But I sort of like Even Rachel Wood Bisexual better.
Poor Evan and Kate. But this article was fantastic.
Time to open up my very own, very swaggy, very smoothe twitter account, and to casually namedrop Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual whenever I post new pics of what I just ate at the vegan restaurant.
That gif is like a weird crossover between Lana (from the L Word) and a porn video! :P
Well that was one hot minute.. Poor Evan does seem really broken up about it though! :( Hope they’ll get back together again somehow. Fantastic coverage as usual Stef! Gave my (non-existent) abs a workout.
It’s too bad they broke up. They gave me a serious case of “moennig wood.” ;)
Maybe I too need to come forward before any other person here, oh oh nope, what I need is a white sweet GF now now…..am the Man
You are delightfully funny and have filled my evening with joy. You know like that little cartoon character joy from inside out? JOY! I plan to now make a habit of reading you on the regular :)
THANKS ALOt