Last week was a lame week for queer ladies on television. Luisa didn’t return to fight for her medical license on Jane the Virgin; Renee Montoya didn’t turn up and kick any asses on Gotham; Kay would have been as sweet/hilarious as always on Marry Me, but NBC didn’t give us a new episode; Nyassa al Ghul didn’t sneak back into town on Arrow to avenge Sara’s death. And just when you thought Portia de Rossi’s Scandal character was going to get caught doing lesbian things, it turns out she’s boning the (male) vice-president. Plus, this week was the last week of Survivor’s Remorse. Booooo, TV gods! Get your shit together!
On the upside, I got a hot tip about a Sons of Anarchy storyline involving a transgender woman’s relationship with “a normally disgustingly messed up hetero man,” so I will catch up on that this week and report back to you on Friday, when Boob(s on Your) Tube returns to its regularly scheduled time because I am back to my regularly scheduled life.
Here are the teensy-tiny handful of homosexual happenings from TV last week.
The Good Wife
Sundays on CBS at 9:00 p.m.
Careful, Kalinda! Happy bisexual characters of color can only survive two to four weeks, max!
You know it’s slim pickings when the best lezzer stuff on TV is The Good Wife. I mean, don’t get me wrong: Kalinda Sharma was once the most fascinating bisexual character on TV, but she’s been riding in the backseat for a couple of seasons now, and the show has never done a super-awesome job with her lady-lovin’ side — but Lana Delaney is back, y’all, and Kalinda is kind of falling in love with her!
Kalinda spent most of the episode working with Cary on his upcoming trial, from the comfort of her own apartment, where Lana was sleeping near her and smooching her and tousling her hair affectionately. Kalinda even stayed awake to watch her sleep, like girlfriends do. And just when it looked like she was creeping so she could steal Lana’s FBI key card like Bishop told her to, she sneaked it out of Lana’s purse and broke it in half so no one can get their hands on it and exploit her.
So sexy. So sweet.
Now, more than ever, I’m convinced Kalinda is going to get murdered before the season is done.
The Walking Dead
Sundays on AMC at 10:00 p.m.
At least I’m not The Worst Cat!
Tara almost got her face eaten right off by a zombie this week, but my girlfriend says Eugene saved her and that this is the longest any lesbian has ever lived on a post-apocalyptic TV show. Keep on living, Tara! There is no end to stock photos of “dog/cat zombies.”
Survivor’s Remorse
Saturdays on Starz at 9:00 p.m.
Next season, I’m going to actually scissor women, instead of just talking about it.
M-Chuck didn’t have much to do in the season finale of Survivor’s Remorse. She offered to go down on a friend of hers who works at the salon to help her get over her crush on Cam, and she threatened to beat up Reggie’s ex-girlfriend, but the season’s last episode was mostly about Cam’s endorsement deals and personal drama. At least Starz has already announced that M-Chuck & Co. will be back for a second season in 2015!
Top Chef: Boston
Wednesdays on Bravo at 10:00 p.m.
Melissa looks like a real life Lumberjanes character, huh?
This week’s Top Chef was almost a kick in the teeth because lesbian contestant Melissa King got the “going home” edit for sure.
In the Quickfire Challenge, sponsored by Reynolds (Makers of Fine Foils & Wraps), Melissa chose to go head-to-head with Katie, and she won with a cold-smoked scallop. But during the Elimination Challenge, her cold gazpacho lost all of its texture overnight and was thin and watery by the time it arrived at the judges’ table. Add that to the part where she was talking about how good her technique is at the beginning of the episode, and you know why I started panicking about her getting kicked off.
She did land in the bottom three, but in some kind of miracle situation, asshole Aaron got kicked off instead of her! Whew!
Team TV Coverage You May Have Missed
+ Transparent Episode 108 Recap: I Want To Be Happy For Two More Hours
+ Faking It Episode 208 Recap: The Flavor Of The Month Is Lezberry Blast
+ Orange Is The New Black Episode 213 Recap: And I Will Never Finger Her
+ Fan Fiction Friday: Glee’s 10 Hottest Lesbian Sex Scenes
Also also also, we’re getting close to ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas, which includes special episodes of The Fosters and Pretty Little Liars this year. Don’t forget to mark your calendars for December 8th (Fosters) and 9th (Liars)!
This week on Carmilla:
– LaFontaine showed back up, but she was really out of it.
– Perry was so happy to see them.
– They recorded their abduction on their cell phone. The recording implies that the other two girls are still alive, and that the ritual must be completed by the full moon.
– Laura needs to get an extension on her Eng. Lit. mid-term if she’s to save the other girls, so she calls…Danny.
– Danny thinks that Laura called her to make-up, and get their relationship back on track. She’s angry and upset when she finds out what Laura wants. Then Danny tells Laura what for. (Why must you break my heart Carmilla? Tall Gay Danny and Tiny Gay Laura belong together.)
– After Danny bails, Laura, Carmilla, and JP look for a weapon with which to defeat the dean.
– Carmilla leaves Laura a VERY expensive antique necklace.
– The trio locate a suitable weapon, in a very dangerous place, and Carmilla offers to go get it because she has the feels for Laura.
– Carmilla notices the necklace. She most certainly didn’t get it for Laura. BOOM. The necklace possesses Laura with the dean’s presence.
Laura’s transformation into the Dean was super creepy! Can’t wait for tomoooorrrrooooow
Pretend I just said 1001 words about Person of Interest getting ignored yet again, even as Sarah Shahi declares on twitter that she considers Shaw bisexual and Root/Shaw take relatively gargantuan steps forward toward being an official romantic arc.
Ok if I could get a hold of a cute Tara picture with no gore would you post it someday?
Cause she’s adorkable and kinda reminds me of Gaby Hoffmann.
I am finally caught up on The Walking Dead and Jane the Virgin
And then tonight Kalinda went back to Lana’s house despite her saying “Don’t come back if you’re not serious.” And then even said a thing, something about it being hard for her to admit, which is, like, so amazing, and so real for her (and so many people in real life…).