Last week was a lame week for queer ladies on television. Luisa didn’t return to fight for her medical license on Jane the Virgin; Renee Montoya didn’t turn up and kick any asses on Gotham; Kay would have been as sweet/hilarious as always on Marry Me, but NBC didn’t give us a new episode; Nyassa al Ghul didn’t sneak back into town on Arrow to avenge Sara’s death. And just when you thought Portia de Rossi’s Scandal character was going to get caught doing lesbian things, it turns out she’s boning the (male) vice-president. Plus, this week was the last week of Survivor’s Remorse. Booooo, TV gods! Get your shit together!
On the upside, I got a hot tip about a Sons of Anarchy storyline involving a transgender woman’s relationship with “a normally disgustingly messed up hetero man,” so I will catch up on that this week and report back to you on Friday, when Boob(s on Your) Tube returns to its regularly scheduled time because I am back to my regularly scheduled life.
Here are the teensy-tiny handful of homosexual happenings from TV last week.
The Good Wife
Sundays on CBS at 9:00 p.m.
You know it’s slim pickings when the best lezzer stuff on TV is The Good Wife. I mean, don’t get me wrong: Kalinda Sharma was once the most fascinating bisexual character on TV, but she’s been riding in the backseat for a couple of seasons now, and the show has never done a super-awesome job with her lady-lovin’ side — but Lana Delaney is back, y’all, and Kalinda is kind of falling in love with her!
Kalinda spent most of the episode working with Cary on his upcoming trial, from the comfort of her own apartment, where Lana was sleeping near her and smooching her and tousling her hair affectionately. Kalinda even stayed awake to watch her sleep, like girlfriends do. And just when it looked like she was creeping so she could steal Lana’s FBI key card like Bishop told her to, she sneaked it out of Lana’s purse and broke it in half so no one can get their hands on it and exploit her.
So sexy. So sweet.
Now, more than ever, I’m convinced Kalinda is going to get murdered before the season is done.
The Walking Dead
Sundays on AMC at 10:00 p.m.
Tara almost got her face eaten right off by a zombie this week, but my girlfriend says Eugene saved her and that this is the longest any lesbian has ever lived on a post-apocalyptic TV show. Keep on living, Tara! There is no end to stock photos of “dog/cat zombies.”
Saturdays on Starz at 9:00 p.m.
M-Chuck didn’t have much to do in the season finale of Survivor’s Remorse. She offered to go down on a friend of hers who works at the salon to help her get over her crush on Cam, and she threatened to beat up Reggie’s ex-girlfriend, but the season’s last episode was mostly about Cam’s endorsement deals and personal drama. At least Starz has already announced that M-Chuck & Co. will be back for a second season in 2015!
Top Chef: Boston
Wednesdays on Bravo at 10:00 p.m.
This week’s Top Chef was almost a kick in the teeth because lesbian contestant Melissa King got the “going home” edit for sure.
In the Quickfire Challenge, sponsored by Reynolds (Makers of Fine Foils & Wraps), Melissa chose to go head-to-head with Katie, and she won with a cold-smoked scallop. But during the Elimination Challenge, her cold gazpacho lost all of its texture overnight and was thin and watery by the time it arrived at the judges’ table. Add that to the part where she was talking about how good her technique is at the beginning of the episode, and you know why I started panicking about her getting kicked off.
She did land in the bottom three, but in some kind of miracle situation, asshole Aaron got kicked off instead of her! Whew!
Team TV Coverage You May Have Missed
Also also also, we’re getting close to ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas, which includes special episodes of The Fosters and Pretty Little Liars this year. Don’t forget to mark your calendars for December 8th (Fosters) and 9th (Liars)!