Welcome to the eighth recap of the second season of Faking It, a patriotic musical revue from the same network that brought you Doggy Fizzle Televizzle. This recap would’ve been up earlier, but Comcast decided it would be better for my mental health to take a billion years to upload each photo to this post. It was sort of like I was writing a recap on the wall of my cave in prehistoric times! Shit got real.
We open on — surprise! — the resplendent outdoor grounds of Texas Superstar Hester Blue Oasis Hummus High School, where Karma is sulking until Amy appears like an angel from the sky to inform Karma that she’s not mad at her! This is a relief to Karma, who reveals to Amy that her boyf is also mad at her.
Karma: He feels second place to well.. you.
Amy: Because he is.
Karma’s gotta find a way to show Liam how important he is to her. Unfortunately, she’s not going to make a butter sculpture of Liam and showcase it at the Ohio State Fair, as I would’ve recommended, but rather plans to come out to her parents as straight. But they just got new rainbow tattoos!
Karma admits she relished her brief moment in the sun as “favorite child,” and also that all she’s come up with for her coming out speech is a big fat lie about being knocked unconscious and turning straight. If only.
Amy: Maybe if they’re high when you tell them? Have you thought about telling the truth.
Karma: You know that’s not how my brain works, but it would make Liam really happy. He’s never told a lie in his life.
Right except for when I asked him if his brain was made out of butterscotch pudding and he was like, “no, I’m totally tapioca all the way.” GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT
Back at Chez Fawcett, Lauren’s trying on dresses for the Miss Teen Cactus Flower pageant, which sounds like a cultish virgin sacrifice ceremony. Dad thinks she looks like “an albino hooker” in the teal and would look better in pink.
Meanwhile, Amy’s being surly while doing homework, but she transitions into full-on simmering rage when Farrah gushes over how nice it is to finally have a daughter who wants to be in pageants — especially one who “could actually win.”
Cut to Amy being sad to Reagan, who can’t comprehend Amy’s damage because it’s about a pageant, and she thinks pageants are stupid, so who cares. But it’s not about that, really, it’s just the Maid of Honor thing all over again: Amy’s pissed that her Mom doesn’t think SHE could be the prettiest princess.
Reagan thinks Amy should enter the pageant and then win and then take down the whole pageant industry by calling them out for sexism, because nobody has EVER called out the pageant industry for sexism and it always works. But Amy’s more concerned about The Mom than The Man.
Back at the Super Straight Gym For Straight Fighter Boys, Shane and Duke are getting it on when Duke’s dad busts in and says Duke’s gotta keep it in his pants to focus on THE BIG FIGHT.
So, Duke’s Dad knows that Duke is gay! That’s something! He even calls Shane “that Shane you keep talking about”… and then reminds Duke that Shane’s gotta sign that Non-Disclosure Agreement.
Cut to Toddlers and Tiaraville, where Farrah and Lauren and Bruce are surprised to see Amy stroll in with her Number Two, Reagan, and declare that she’s entering a beauty pageant.
Farrah’s not sure who this hot tamale is on Amy’s arm because apparently Reagan only enters through the backdoor if you know what I mean. Amy introduces Reagan as her “coach,” which prompts Farrah to die inside a little and become a tiny nervous bird.
Farrah: Why are you doing this?
Amy: For World Peace?
Farrah: Right. Not to embarrass me by flaunting your purple-haired friend in everybody’s face? You know I have a reputation to uphold.
Amy: Don’t worry mother, I’m not here to embarrass you, I’m here to win.
But is she here to make friends? I’d like to know if she’s here to make friends!
Starsweep to Karma’s Family Home, where Liam’s not sure why Karma’s so nervous about coming out, considering that her family’s super-nurturing, loves kale, and doesn’t want to install computer chips in the hearts and souls of innocent tablet-wielding schoolchildren. Speak of the angels, Molly and Lucas show up and are delighted to see Liam! They love Liam because of that time he dressed up as a plant.
But before Karma can tell them why he’s here, guess who else is here?
IT’S KARMA’S BROTHER ZEN BACK FROM SAVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA!
Zen: Is that my little sis? Hester High’s first lesbian homecoming queen? I am so proud.
Liam knows, immediately, that this is gonna be yet another roadblock to Karma telling the truth. I’m getting second-hand reverse anxiety thinking of how frustrating it is to be somebody’s secret and how your heart dies every time a new obstacle to honesty strolls through the door, giving the secret-keeper yet another excuse to delay your happiness. FOILED AGAIN!