Breaking news from the ultra important international headquarters of quiltbaggery: Jackie Cruz, who plays Flaca on Orange is the New Black and is an absolute certified babe, is the same chick who made out with Kourtney Kardashian in a lesbian club after they took that weird art class together. If you didn’t watch Khloe and Kourtney totally taking Miami and you just don’t care, go ahead, exit this article, walk back into your musty book-lined closet where you quote Proust and eat raw vegetables. I will be here, announcing this titillating celebrity news that has about the same calorie count as whipped cream.
I did the dirty work responsible to write this article, risking everything to bring you the news direct from the trenches. It required me rewatching the three episodes where Jackie, an actual bisexual singer who had moved to Miami from New York sans-boyfriend and plus-girlfriends, shows up in Kourtney’s art class. Jackie and Kourtney hit it off even though Kourtney is only the third most dateable Kardashian sister. If my overwhelmingly homosexual instincts are correct, there is even some goshdarn chemistry up in here. They have a lunch date where Jackie talks about not being straight, which when done around a hot girl and in front an entire camera crew could either mean “tentative flirtation” or “a producer just asked me to kind of hit on Kourtney.”
Jackie takes Kourtney to a lesbian club, and they straight up kiss. It’s not a big ol’ sloppy one, like not of the caliber y’all were doing to moisturize each other’s faces at the drunkest hour of Pride, but it’s still not a whatever kiss, you know? It’s not like when you peck your mom on the cheek at brunch or something, right? It’s like you’re not drunk but you’re buzzed and you don’t want to appear nasty but this girl is hot, right?
Kourtney feels guilty about the kiss because she think she’s leading Jackie on. Girl, you are Kourtney Kardashian of Keeping Up fame. No one besides Lord Scott Disick is actually ever going to be serious about pursuing you because everyone already knows how difficult you are and how dating you comes with a goddamned camera crew. Jackie is super hot but she’s obviously not trying to court you. Or should I say kourt you? Anyway, Kourtney tells Jackie she doesn’t want to date, which is fine by Jackie. Duh.
Jackie comes back in season 2 as “that girl Kourtney made out with that one time” and as a way for Kourtney to make Scott jealous, which ends with him showing them both his dick. Hoorah.
What you should get from all of this is that Jackie Cruz is a total babe, you didn’t need to see her make out with Kourtney Kardashian to know that, and she’s a bisexual lady, so y’all can get excited about that. The two are apparently still friends, and they still text every once and a while. By text every once and a while, I hope Kourtney sends Jackie embarrassing snapchats of Scott. And I hope Jackie snapchats back with all the extremely attractive people she works with on the show, just to rub it in a little.
For those of you wondering what Kourt’s side of things is: