VIDEO: And Now, A Dramatic Reading of Kristen Stewart’s Poetry

Perhaps you are like me, and spent most of yesterday sobbing gently at the beautiful truths expressed in Kristen Stewart’s recently published poem “My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole.”  Although she has spent her prolific acting career expressing a variety of emotions ranging from sullen to petulant to reluctantly pouty, the decorated thespian recently surprised her Marie Claire interviewer with a poem she’d written.

“She often writes intense little verses, words or strings of words, rearranging them in a process she herself doesn’t understand but believes is somehow essential to her sanity.” —Marie Claire magazine

As a person with a deep and passionate appreciation for the awkward Twilight actress, I felt personally connected to her beautiful verse, and yearned to pay tribute in some way.  Fortunately, Comedy Editor Brittani Nichols and I were able to come together and express our mutual admiration via a dramatic interpretation, which we present to you now with enormous pride:

As Stewart told Marie Claire, “I like being able to hit on something, like, ‘There it is.’ I don’t want to sound so fucking utterly pretentious … but after I write something, I go, ‘Holy fuck, that’s crazy.'” Indeed, KStew. Indeed.

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Stef Schwartz is a founding member and the self-appointed Vapid Fluff Editor at She currently resides in New York City, where she spends her days writing songs nobody will ever hear and her nights telling much more successful musicians what to do. Follow her on twitter and/or instagram.

Stef has written 464 articles for us.


  1. You guys did a great job here. Next we should see if Michael Shannon, maybe Molly Shannon, would be available to do a highly stylized, Beat era interpretation of this piece.

  2. “how did we get here, you know?” // “living the dream”

    have some version of this exchange daily.

    want b’s laugh to be the sound my phone alarm makes when it reminds me to take my wellbutrin.

    love this so much.

    • “want b’s laugh to be the sound my phone alarm makes when it reminds me to take my wellbutrin.”

      i want to award this sentence a pulitzer

  3. If KS were a chord she’d be that A minor..all alternative and sad-like. You read her poetry, played her spirit chord, now say her name three times in the mirror and she’ll appear. Or something like that.

    • Believe me, if one could summon KStew by standing in front of a mirror murmuring her name, I think I’d know by now.


    I enjoyed how the first half of the video was just laughter with a hint of “what am I doing with my life”?

  5. I clicked this thinking it was actually KStew doing the dramatic reading, but holy cheesepacks! This is also amazing.

    But I’m still holding out for KStew reading her own poetry. That’ll be better than bacon wrapped in cheese. Or cheese wrapped in bacon.

  6. I want KStew to publish and entire chapbook of embarrassing poems so that you can give the same song treatment to it, plus “A Night Without Armor,” and “Foolish/Unfoolish.”

  7. I don’t want to derail the conversation, but just around the time this post appeared one of the very best women slam poets and writers has passed away at the advanced age of 50. Maggie Estep was a terrific writer and even better known for her poetry which was featured on MTV during the 1990s (before it was mired in reality show hell). If you’ve never seen Maggie perform or written her books you’re in for a treat… she’s both moving, extremely funny, and, yeah, often angry and outraged (in an entertaining way).

    I have to think Kristen was heavily influenced by Maggie.

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