How Do I Talk To My Family About Harry Potter?

Would I Be Wrong To Voice My Harry Potter Discomfort Around JK Rowling’s Transphobia To My Family?

Q

I’m non-binary and lesbian, and pretty leftist; but my niece is into Harry Potter, which, of course, makes me uncomfortable because of the author’s… fascist leanings. Actually, most of my family are HP fans or read Rowling’s works, in spite of the fact me, and two of my cousins, are queer. Whenever they, or my niece, bring up the series, I am forced to bite my tongue and say nothing about how buying merch is funding transphobic hate laws and pushing back gay rights; not to mention the discomfort I get seeing HP merch, or my niece’s new copy of The Philosopher’s Stone. Would I be wrong to voice my discomfort to my family?

A

Summer: Ugh, I’m so glad Harry Potter was never a cultural phenomenon in South Africa the way it was overseas. The fallout sounds awful.

And no, I don’t think you’d be ‘wrong’ to voice your discomfort to the family. I might be inclined to ask you to keep the peace if the content of that fictional universe was disquieting to you. Like being with Game of Thrones fans if you have strong opinions about its depictions of various topics. The fact is, one of the main issues with Harry Potter in 2025 is that supporting the franchise isn’t a statement about fictional worlds. It’s about a very real person’s very tangible efforts against social progress and inclusion. Those efforts are mainly aimed at trans people, but others too. She’s made some choice remarks about thin people and models in advertising.

The principal reason she has sufficient wealth and influence to conduct her campaign against a host of people (including… cisgender boxers?) is Harry Potter. The Harry Potter media franchise funds these efforts and her chosen lifestyle. A lifestyle which, to describe in an old-school fashion, I tolerate but don’t respect or believe in. Much is said about Rowling and how her life relates to the literary concept of Death of the Author. But my take-away is that she is one of the most succinct cases wherein supporting a media empire directly contributes to a definitive voice in the marginalization of queer people with far-reaching consequences.

I leave it to my fellow authors to cast their input and discuss how you can talk to them about this. All I can say is you would not be wrong to voice your distaste. If you believe in ‘keeping the peace’, it’s also not wrong for you to keep quiet and avoid the topic. But I have a feeling you’re already sick of doing that.

Nico: I think you can have a conversation with your family about this, yes. It’s good to have hard conversations with family. However, as we’ve seen again and again, not everyone is willing to give up the things they find pleasurable for ethical reasons, so don’t be surprised if you receive pushback. Do you have friends who feel the same way you do who you can commiserate with, or who you can plan out how you’re going to go about saying this with, first? It would be good to have someone who you know you can go to in order to vent your frustrations should your family be, well, frustrating. As Summer said above, their financial support of this franchise goes directly toward funding the furtherance of hateful ideology, and so it goes well beyond something like even enjoying the work of an author who is a bad person or being a fan of a franchise with content you find odious — it’s a lot more like donating directly to anti-trans lobbying efforts, and that’s worth discussing with the people who you care about.

Riese: I think you should talk to them yes! I feel like they’re likely to resist if Harry Potter is often central to a child’s interest in reading, and Rowling’s politics probably feel too abstract in the face of this universe that their children are so engaged with — but it’s still worth a try! If they won’t budge, try some middle grounds: only buying Harry Potter books second-hand, foregoing merch… but if they must merch, they should get it from an independently owned store with politically aligned owners, or pledge to donate the amount they spent on merch to a trans-focused non profit or mutual aid fund.

I’m not actually sure that it even matters that you or your cousins are queer, you know? You absolutely should speak to them about how it feels to be nonbinary and witness JK Rowling’s hatred towards trans people, I think it will resonate and help you get through to them. But I do think at the end of the day, JK Rowling’s fascist hate-fueled campaign towards trans people should concern all of us, including your family, because we are all human, and trans people are human. Because I think this conversation is likely to become an opening to talking to them about some of the shit trans people are currently dealing with politically here and in the UK, and that’s an opportunity to teach them about something they hopefully will care about not just because it affects you but because it’s the ethically sound position to hold.

My Friend In The Poly/Kink Scene Makes Me Feel Boring

Q

I am in a relatively new relationship (1 year and going strong), and it has been really positive for me. Prior to this relationship, I had been in pretty tumultuous and intense open and poly dynamics for the past five years. While monogamish, this relationship with my girlfriend has been way more stable and predictable and…well, boring! But I like it : ) We’re moving in together, which I’ve never done before, and I’m really excited about our future and present together. She has very Mr. Darcy vibes—because she’s quiet, I initially didn’t see her as romantic or fun, but now I literally want to hang out with her all the time.

My question has to do with one of my friends. When I was in these other poly and dating dynamics, and she in her own, she and I would talk a lot about our relationship issues. She’s big in the poly and kink scene and through our friendship I experienced more of those communities, and it was great! We would always have tons to tell each other about our most recent trysts or longings. Since my gf and I have gotten more serious, I just…haven’t had as much to share! We hang out, we have sex, we eat noodles, and that’s sort of it. And on top of that, I feel protective of my relationship and any judgment from my friend. For example, the sex I have with my gf is amazing, but it’s very different from the more explosive kind I had in past relationships. I chalk that up to the fact that all relationships are different and I think we have a more stable dynamic, but my friend has expressed multiple times that she thinks people should be obsessed with and fiending for their partners. So I think she views my pretty non-dramatic feelings for my partner with suspicion.

Anyways, I’m sad! I feel like my friend thinks I’m boring now that I’m not in the poly scene. Idk why I need her approval so much, but apparently it matters to me. And I also feel like she hasn’t put a lot of effort into meeting me where I’m at. And at my lowest moments I doubt myself and worry maybe she sees something that I don’t. I don’t really know any to talk to her about it but I also don’t know how to proceed.

A

Summer: Boring is not necessarily bad. Boring can be safe, stable, and as you prefer: predictable. The ideal relationship for you is the one that fits your needs and personhood at a given time. It sounds like this one fits you and the uncertainty is external. An externality born out of ideas of what an exciting and proper queer life looks like. There isn’t a right way to date queer, nor is it sustainable to build a life wholly on intensity and energy.

Most people reach a life stage where smooth and predictable is a better option. It’s often linked to permanent employment, having kids, marriage, and so forth. Some people hit that stage earlier than others. Some people never hit that stage and resolve to leave smoking skidmarks en route to the grave. I don’t think your friend is seeing something that you don’t, causing her to have misgivings about your relationship. I think she’s completely failed to see what you do. Which is the happiness and comfort you’ve found. Like, I just don’t see what’s wrong with your relationship. It sounds lovely. It may not be the shape of the relationship I want. It won’t be the one a freshly bisexual party sophomore party animal wants. As long as it’s what you want.

Nico: I would hope that your friend would be your friend even if you didn’t have entertaining gossip to share. You don’t both have to be the chaotic friend always embarking on new relationships and adventures. In fact, some of the sweetest friendship dynamics are made up of people who lead wildly different lives. If your friend thinks you’re boring because you aren’t showing up with new poly / kink scene news to share anymore, and you all can’t find something else that’s entertaining to do together, then I am not sure how good of a friend they are. I really hope you’ll ask yourself more about why you care about impressing a friend who isn’t trying to meet you where you are because I am willing to bet that if the situation were reversed, you’d probably be happy for them if they’re happy, right?

Now, to speak to the “boring” and “stable” aspects of your current relationship. Less stable relationships of any kind, not just kinky ones, can lead to more explosive sex. If you feel safe, stable, and certain, then maybe you aren’t “fiending” for your partner constantly in the same way you might have when you didn’t have this same level of security, because sometimes that fiending can also be a sign that you’re seeking more connection and security through sex. There’s nothing wrong with having explosive sex with multiple partners, engaging in the kink scene, but neither is there with not doing those things.

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Chappell Roan’s Breakup Ballad ‘The Subway’ Is Perfect for Late-Summer Yearning

At long last, Chappell Roan has released her new breakup ballad “The Subway” with an accompanying music video. She originally debuted the song live on stage at Gov Ball (the one where she dressed as a blunt-smoking Statue of Liberty). And now it’s out there for all of us to listen and yearn to!

The song chronicles running into an ex on the subway and the ensuing snare of emotions it unravels. The simple earnest quality of these lyrics are an asset, Chappell wrapping her strong vocals around vulnerable confessions, like “Made you the villain / evil for just moving on.” And is it just me or is there a Dolores O’Riordan quality to how she sounds on the “over” in “it’s not over” in the chorus?

As a fan of Chappell’s ballads — which generally receive a lot less love than her more upbeat bops — I’m instantly smitten with “The Subway.” This could be a karaoke showstopper at the next queeraoke night. It reminds me a bit of Olivia Rodrigo’s “Driver’s License” in its earnest breakdown of post-breakup yearning and angst that just sort of simmers in the background as you’re moving through life without someone (and watching them move on). And who among us has not been here: “Somebody wore your perfume / It almost killed me / I had to leave the room” ?

But it’s the accompanying music video that really sells this new Chappell project to me.

According to YouTube, I was waiting with 15,700 other people for the premiere of the “The Subway” music video at 9:59 a.m. this morning. It opens with Chappell in a massive wig that exaggerates her big red hair. The specter with the green hair similarly wears a giant wig as they comically chase each other through the streets of New York. I won’t give a full beat-by-beat breakdown of the music video, because you really should just watch it! As with so many Chappell projects, it’s visually immersive, detailed, with a collage of tonal and aesthetic references. I love the trash accumulating in Chappell’s wig, the simultaneous beauty and grime of the city.

My favorite part is when the subway car transforms into a queer club. Public transportation already has this liminal quality to it, and the surreality of seeing someone you weren’t expecting while on it can disrupt a whole day in my experience. The music video captures that well and, as with all the best music videos, views like an experimental short film.

As someone with multiple exes in NYC, let’s just say this song and its video resonate. Now everyone watch the music video and tell me about the ex you least want to run into on public transportation! (jk)

Also, happy ChappRapp Friday! We got this new Chappell video today and a whole ass new album from Reneé Rapp! What a time to be a lesbian!

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1067 articles for us.

9 Comments

  1. Aaaaah oh my gosh, this is easily my favourite Chappell Roan song and I love the music video too!!! Her poppy hits do absolutely nothing for me (sorry Pink Pony Club-heads) but this is goin’ on the playlist. The subject matter of breakups + New York subway feels personal to me too Kayla, as I love love love NYC and the city is now forever connected to my ex in my heart, and part of grieving that relationship is also grieving all the future chances to visit NJ and NYC that died with it. This whole video feels like such a love letter to the city. Love that the Green Lady of Brooklyn is in it for a split second and I am not sure but is that local trans woman and absolute voice legend Bernie Wagenblast’s iconic subway announcement voice in the very last second of the video? If anyone knows this do tell!!!

      • Oh my gosh hi Bernie!!! Thanks for responding, and in the Autostraddle comment section of all places! I hope Charlie is thrilled at being part of this music video :D

  2. Green Lady cameo <3

    I'm def more a bop-head than a ballad-head, but I'm sure this will grow on me. Love the outro

    • Also I gotta say… I heard the teaser all week “I’m moving to Saskatchewan” and then I thought of the raging fires and some of my lesser-quality neurons put those two things together although they are, of course, completely separate.

  4. The bangers obviously great but I too am a ballad-appreciator they don’t get enough love! The refrain makes it just so sad, it’s SO good

  5. I’m late to the Chappell party but better late than never. I’m loving this new song (and I’m someone that listens to In This Moment, Halestorm, Nightwish, etc.). But I love me a ballad with a great hook. This has a great hook.

  6. Honestly dropping this the same day as Renee’s album is a bit too much for me. Unless I can somehow figure out how to play uhmm.. 13 songs at the same time which.. Like my ADHD wants to make it work but realistically I know I can’t.

    I’m a sad girlie usually and honestly the fact that I like the bops too is wild. Joy? in my music? Wow.. But I’m so glad that Good Luck Babe, the Giver and The Subway are bops cause.. honestly her success brings me so much joy.

    I saw Aurora in concert a few weeks ago and they played Pink Pony Club as sort of hype music/ sound check before Aurora came in and the crowd reacted to it visibly positively. And Tod in the Shadows also mentioned how hard that song goes because he heard straight people singing it. I told my friends that I think it’s maybe the next Bohemian Rhapsody.

    Fast forward to a few days later when I randomly watched The Grammy Museum Spotlight on Chappell hosted by Brandi Carlile where Dan was like I wanna write the nest Bohemian Rhapsody and Chappell was like Dan no it’s been done leave it. Psss guys I really think you might have done it already it’s Pink Pony Club.

    I’m also gonna indulge in a bit of bitterness cause Chappell’s playing in Budapest on the 11th and I’m in Bucharest.. Like it’s funny that people sort of mix them up pissing off the locals of course but they are like 900 km away which.. isn’t close but it is the closest she played to my location.. And I’m too broke to go.. I’m sort of seething inside but also..

    In my early 20s I was miserable at concerts cause I was overstimulated and I have ADHD and like clubbing and honestly a lot of stuff like that is not fun for me and it took a while for me to realize why .. However if I really love the music I get over all of that. And Chappell and Renee are some of the few artists that I make me want to be in a crowd. And not to be dramatic af but.. it gets better? Like sure I’m miserable and depressed and live in a country where marriage isn’t legal and the homophobia is so rampant actors stay in the closet. Actors. And I get to be in my 30s and experience joy though music the way I did as a teen? It’s really precious.

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August 2025: What’s New, Gay and Streaming on Netflix, Prime Video, HBO Max and Apple TV

August — the eighth month of the year, and a month that may ought to have some lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer and trans characters on the television screen for you to embrace and enjoy and appreciate, but unfortunately really does not! This is actually the leanest month we’ve had in a while — but you could always just watch Hunting Wives again!

Netflix August 2025 in Gay

Long story short - animated family sitting at a table

Long Story Short

Love Life // Seasons One & Two // August 5
Love Life was one of many queer-inclusive shows unceremoniously de-platformed by HBO Max but great news, Netflix has picked it up! The first season stars Anna Kendrick as Darby, whose (heterosexual) love life is chronicled across the years, and her roommate Mallory is a lesbian so we see some of hers, too. Season 2 focuses on Marcus Watkins, whose lesbian sister, Ida, is played by SNL alum Punkie Johnson.

Wednesday // Season 2, Part One // August 6
The first season of Wednesday had queers intensely engaged although the assorted sapphic situations remained subtextual — that appears to be the plan for Season Two as well but it seemed worth mentioning because I can’t always really tell entirely what the deal is with this show and why some people consider it queer even though it is not. We do love Jenna Ortega around here, though!

Marry Me (2022) // August 10
Marry Me is a very bad rom-com starring Jennifer Lopez as a superstar who has an affair with a normie (math teacher Charlie played by Owen Wilson) but more importantly, Charlie has only two friends: a gay choir teacher and a lesbian guidance counselor. The latter was in my opinion the unsung heroine of the film.

Long Story Short // Season One // August 22
The new lightly autobiographical animated comedy from the creator of BoJack Horseman follows the “small t traumas” of a Jewish family from childhood to adulthood and back again, exploring the relatable concept of: “How we communicate love is by making jokes. How we communicate anxiety is by making jokes. How we communicate love is by communicating anxiety.” Abbi Jacobson is the lesbian daughter! As an adult her partner is voiced by Nicole Byer. So that’s very nice I think.

Prime Video’s August 2025 For The LGBTQ+

picture from Upload

Upload

Taurasi (2025) // Docuseries // August 7
This three-part docuseries will explore the life and times of the one and only lesbian WNBA legend Diana Taurasi. The series’ director notes that,” Diana’s greatness isn’t just in her game, but in her grit, wit, and refusal to fit the mold. From Argentina to UConn, six Olympics, to Phoenix, to post-Soviet Russia, she chased excellence — and respect — on her own terms. Taurasi is a cinematic portrait of an icon who never asked to be discovered — only understood.”

Upload // Season 4 // August 25
Season Three of this show about a digital afterlife introduced a romance between handler/angel Aleesha (tasked with the care and keeping of Nathan’s co-worker Luke) and Karina (a new Horizon executive boss lady). Shit gets super serious in Season Four, a four-part finale to the entire series — AI “rapidly turns evil, threatening to wipe out Lakeview (and the world!). Zaina B Johnson, who plays Aleesha, has promised her character will be “kicking ass” in this finale.

HBO Max August 2025 LGBTQ+ Offering To Us

women wearing shoulder pads screesnhot

Women Wearing Shoulder Pads // Season One Premiere // August 18
This new Spanish-language stop-motion comedy from Adult Swim looks completely unhinged! The all-woman cast explores the intersection of money and media in 1980s Quito, Ecuador, centered on Marioneta, a rich Spaniard who develops a network of other weird, ambitious women who want to be at the center of it all. It appears also that they kiss each other.

Peacemaker // Season 2 Premiere // August 21
The first season of Peacemaker debuted in 2022! That was so long ago! Well, now that gang of misfits is finally returning to the television — including Danielle Brooks as queer character Leota Adebayo — in a season that will connect the series to the new DC universe.

Apple TV+ August 2025 Lesbian

invasion girl looking at camera

Invasion // Season Three Premiere // August 22
Somehow one of two TV shows to send an astronaut into space who is having a secret lesbian affair with someone on the ground team for her mission (not to mention the novel Atmosphere), Invasion‘s first season followed five people on different sides of the world gradually coming to grips with and experiencing the impact of what turns out to be an alien invasion. Queer scientist Mitsuki (Shiori Kutsuna) is a captivating and complex character that makes the whole thing worth watching — and luckily she did not die at the end of Season Two, she is alive and well and living in isolation and will be enduring new challenges and catastrophes as the world spins madly on.

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3348 articles for us.

6 Comments

  2. This is why I invested in a nice blu-ray player (so I don’t have to take my video games out of my PS5). I started buying all the LGBTQ movies and TV shows that I could find. Every time I have spare cash, I’m buying so I can keep the lesbian-ing going in my house. Pretty soon laughter will be found offensive to the regime.

  3. Real lack of content from Hollywood this month! If you aren’t aware, Thailand has produced and continues to make a bunch of GL drama shows with many being on YouTube. They all have happy endings and most of the side characters are also gay. The way production works means if there is a pair you like they often have more then one project together.

    Only You – Bodyguard protects idol and they were childhood friends who lost touch. Same pairing was in Secret of Us

    Music Story: Losing Control – Lonely rich lady hires two escorts for company, who are also exes and conspire against her.

    Loyal Pin – It is wild seeing the Chamber of Commerce of Thailand seal before these episodes start. Lesbian love drama literally produced by the government 🤣. Set in the early 1900s with a spoiled princess(?), who returns from her British education with the plan to seduce her old childhood friend. Same pairing from Gap the Series.

    There are sooooo many more it’s ridiculous. Maybe worth looking into for an article?

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The Most Chaotic Lyrics From Every Track on Reneé Rapp’s New Extremely Gay Album ‘Bite Me’

feature image photo by CBS Photo Archive / Contributor via Getty Images

Happy ChappRapp Friday AKA the blessed first day of August 2025 where we have been gifted new music from both Chappell Roan and Reneé Rapp. To have a cavalcade of lesbian pop stars be so mainstream and prolific that we get two HUGE release days at once?! This particular Managing Editor of a queer pop culture website is exhausted, but hey, these are good problems to have!

I usually have to let an album wash over me several times before I can effectively write about it, and while I’ve managed to listen to Reneé Rapp’s Bite Me twice before 9 a.m. (its 12 tracks clock in at just over half an hour, which is my ideal length for designating an album a Driving Album), I’m not quite ready to apply a serious critical lens to its tracks. So instead, I thought we’d do something fun and select the most chaotic lyrics from every song. Because this is an album that harnesses the power of queer chaos!

1. Leave Me Alone

“I took my sex life with me, now the show ain’t fucking.”

I’ve already written about this delicious, bitey track. I’ve gotta go with the Sex Lives of College Girls shade for most chaotic lyric. There’s a long queer history of gay people being petty in lyrical form, and Rapp is tapping into that.

2. Mad

“I wanna get mad at you, right back at you
But it’s kinda hot”

I love how Rapp leans into mess in her lyrics. Here we have a song about a toxic (but not altogether fucked up) relationship. The “it’s kinda hot” confession about a girlfriend who keeps getting mad is peak dyke drama. (It was hard to choose between this and the Marlboro red / finger in mouth run.)

3. Why Is She Still Here?

“No, I didn’t say shit when you introduced me as your friend
And yes, that’s what it is, but don’t you do that shit again
It’s funny cuz it didn’t feel like friends on the kitchen floor, no”

God I love the instrumentals on this one. This is musically one of my favorite tracks on the album. And whewwww the lyrics! We’ve got here what seems to be a situationship with a woman who still has a girlfriend, no? That kitchen floor line got me good.

You know, I’ve noticed a lot of queer pop stars leaning into the idea of “queer chaos” or “dyke drama” (think: Fletcher, JoJo, Zolita) but sometimes it comes off as such a put-on act and inauthentic, edginess for the sake of edginess. Rapp demonstrates on Bite Me that queer chaos is best served from a place of authenticity and sincerity rather than snark. The queer chaos Rapp puts on display in Bite Me still feels like it’s telling a real story and comprising complex emotions. “Why Is She Still Here?” is a great example. It’s chaotic for sure, but it isn’t trying too hard. It’s just interested in the messiness and contradictions of human behavior. She’s confessional rather than performative. It yields songs that are messy without being cringe.

4. Sometimes

“And God, I know this is predictable
But I need you more than just physical”

Get in losers, we’re yearning.

Not just solely because of track placement, I do think of this track as a direct sequel to “Why Is She Still Here?” I interpret it as about the same relationship but further along the timeline. It just sounds like the place where a lot of relationships that begin as affairs end up in.

5. Kiss It Kiss It

“I think wе almost made a baby
I mean, we can’t, but we came so close”

🚨 CUNNILINGUS TRACK! 🚨 I’m a big fan of the subgenre I like to call pussy eating pop songs. This is a fun one. And I love this baby-making line.

6. Good Girl

“Showed me your lip tattoo a little
Closer, so I can just get a little”

Lip tattoos are up there with tongue rings in terms of dykiest body mods.

7. I Can’t Have You Around Me Anymore

“Somehow, we always end up naked
Nothing ever happens, but it still feels real good”

Wow, this album really has ever flavor of queer chaos. Here we have what seems like the close friendship that may cross some lines? It was hard not to just pick the titular line as the gayest lyric!

8. Shy

“I wanna mark it up like X and O
‘Cause, baby, I’ll do things your exes won’t
Come on and cross my heart and hope to die
I’m thinkin’ I’ll try yours and you’ll try mine”

The “pullin’ my hair” and “ruin my life” of the chorus are undoubtedly very chaotically gay sentiments too, but I gotta go with the cheer breakdown in the bridge. Something about the nostalgia of “cross my heart and hope to die” and doing things your exes won’t makes this bridge extra queer (all bridges are queer).

9. At Least I’m Hot

“If I get a text from another ex, I swear I’m gonna end up behind bars”

Is that Towa Bird’s voice coming in on “How ya doin Nay?” ?! It sounds like her! I love the idea of featuring your girlfriend on a track where you’re also singing messy ass lyrics like the above.

10. I Think I Like You Better When You’re Gone

“I know that I’m supposed to miss you and wish that you were here
But the more I drink, the more I think, you might just disappear”

I also just want to note that singing about time zones is gay.

11. That’s So Funny

“You got a better shot with God than you do with me”

Well if that first line of the song is meant to be a Harry Potter reference, I don’t love that. (Beyond everything else, it’s just kind of a lazy play on words.)

The straightforward pettiness of this song though is top tier, as represented by the above lyric. And Rapp’s vocals on “Took my love, twisted it to a fuck you” ? Woweeeeee.

12. You’d Like That Wouldn’t You

“I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you?
If I cut my heart out of my chest
And bled out in my living room
Yeah, you’re sick and you’d like that”

Tits spilling out of cherry tops in the OPENING LINE? I love this song. Whole thing is chaotic in the best way.

What’s your favorite track from the new album?! Let’s discuss.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Related:

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1067 articles for us.

2 Comments

  1. I don’t wanna write think pieces here again,
    Album is great, Kiss it kiss it and Lunch are indeed twins, actually there are several songs of the make it horny variety. Mad is especially funny for me cause I will reference it in a fight, it’s just gonna happen and it will either deescalate the situation or get me killed. So that’s something to look forward to.

    Regarding the other people mentioned in no 3, Renee something along the lines of Where you don’t compete you don’t compare and I fear that is the case here. (She didn’t mean it as shade at other artists in the original context it just works in this situation too). Also rip fletcher. (Releasing the S(ex) tapes on cassette was funny).

    R also said she wants to be an EGOT by 40 and I’m like.. well I mean she kind of is that bitch. Yeah, no doubt no doubt 100%.

    She’s a great vocalist, great repesentation for both lesbianism and ADHD! but I honestly think the fact that she’s such a good actor must be infuriating for other actors. Her whole I’m doing this as a stepping stone to being a pop star, leave me alone thing would kill me if I was an actor on the set with her like I would be so pissed off. And I mean it as a compliment. Like her being like ok fine Lorne Michaels I will be in the Mean Girls movie if I can be the musical guest for SNL whenever I want for the rest of my career. Like that’s a wild thing to do as an actor with 2 whole acting credits to your name.

    And RIP to me cause this is the TL DR version lol

  2. Not gonna lie: I only admire Renee Rapp from afar. She scares me! [Different angle: 2025 is quite enough chaos already, thankyouverymuch]

Comments are closed.

At the 50th Invasion of the Pines, Drag Reminds Us of the Power of Self-Expression

all photos by the author, Elyssa Maxx Goodman

On the morning of July 4, the conductor approves my digital Long Island Rail Road ticket, this ticket that will take me first to Jamaica in Queens and then to Sayville on Long Island. From there, I will transfer to a shuttle bus that will take me to the Sayville Ferry Service, where I will then get on said ferry to Cherry Grove. It’s quite a bit of travel for this Independence Day, a holiday it feels even more suspect to celebrate this year than usual, but for the Invasion of the Pines, it is always worth it.

The Invasion, as it’s known, began in 1976 and celebrated its 50th edition this year. In 1976, beloved drag artist and trans woman Teri Warren was denied service at the Fire Island Pines restaurant The Blue Whale because she was in drag. At that time, the Pines had been known for its high-end, often closeted, clientele. The Blue Whale’s owner, John Whyte, also frowned on both drag and any “flamboyant” displays, barring them from the premises. Fuming after Teri’s mistreatment, on July 4, 1976, Thom Hansen —who also performed in drag as Panzi —and several friends dressed in drag and took a water taxi over to the Pines. They arrived, the boat’s horns blazing, and “blessed” the crowd at the Pines, much to the simultaneous delight of onlookers and the chagrin of the aforementioned hotelier. The tradition carried on for nearly 50 years, with people in drag filling up the ferry (sometimes even more than one) year after year. Whyte and Panzi eventually found harmony, and Whyte became a supporter of the event.

a person with a bubble gun
a drag queen boards the ferry for the 50th invasion of the pines
a person onboard the ferry for the 50th invasion of the pines
a drag queen onboard the ferry for the 50th invasion of the pines
a drag king onboard the ferry for the 50th invasion of the pines
a drag queen onboard the ferry for the 50th invasion of the pines
a group of drag queens onboard the ferry

It’s possible that this year, 2025, is the last time the Invasion will take place. When I interviewed Panzi for Phillip Gutman’s photography book Invasion of the Pines last year, she mentioned that many young people who come love it but don’t know why the event happens; still, she said, the point of the event was never to be a classroom, it was to have fun. “[Young people] are creating their own generation,” she said last year. “Just let them have fun.” So in 2025, the plan was to go “out with a bang,” as Panzi wrote in an email this year, unless in the following year someone else takes up the mantle. It felt important to go, to bear witness to this final in the series of great drag protests, this act of resistance embodied as a celebration of color and life and glamour and self-expression. The Invasion was also chronicled recently in another photography book, Fire Island Invasion: Day of Independence by Anderson Zaca, for which Panzi wrote the forward.

While I can only imagine that seeing scads of people in drag parading from a massive ferry onto a dock in the Pines is itself delightful, it’s when these drag denizens start their day in Cherry Grove that I find most divine. At Cherry Grove’s legendary Ice Palace, multigenerational scores of people line what’s usually the dance floor in drag costumes of every kind, from the intricate to the shake-and-go, the ridiculous to the sublime. There’s everything from $10 Party City wigs to opulent, feet-high feather and rhinestone constructions one might otherwise expect to see on a Las Vegas stage. There are puns (“Burned-to-Death Peters”) and a full-blown Mona Lisa behind a red velvet museum rope; a “Busted Brigade” all dressed like the beloved local drag artist of the same name; a “Spirit of 76” group attired like icons from the 1970s, like Rocky and Charlie’s Angels. People mill about chatting, sipping on cocktails, encircling the pool, dancing to the sounds of lauded DJ Ana Matronic. Sashes are given out for the likes of “Best Group” and “Most Political” and “Most Tragic,” among others, all with humor at its core. This is not a day of taking oneself too seriously: We’re here to have fun and be ourselves, and we’re not asking for your permission.

a drag queen awaits the ferry
someone in a pink wig wears a vest that says DO NOT COMPLY
a drag queen with a MOST CHIC sash poses
a drag queen in a gold dress holds a glass of water
a queer person in a cowboy getup with gliterry moustach
a drag queen in a mad hatter outfit

While the ferry to the Pines awaits, crowds have gathered along the path to the dock. They stand, sit on patios, or perch at a restaurant high above with their cameras held aloft, waiting for people to exit the Ice Palace’s long wooden ramp. It’s at once pageantry and parade, the crowd cheering and applauding as each bedragged babe makes their way to the ferry. I snap pictures like a wild woman. People adjust their wigs, smoke cigarettes, wait in line. One of the ferry captains offers me cheese from a charcuterie platter.

Entering the ferry, people duck to make room for their wigs and headdresses and high-standing capes. You’re never too far from a handheld fan or bottle of water or tube of sunscreen. There are friendly reminders to stay hydrated and seek out shade (from the sun) if you need to. On top of the ferry, bodies are nestled together as the sun beams overhead, wigs and sequin leotards are adjusted. At the edge of the dock in Cherry Grove, there’s a giant American flag, a giant trans flag, giant Pride flags.

drag queens in giant wigs boarding a ferry
a drag queen in a gold dress on the ferry
attendees of the 50th invasion of the pines rock beards and wigs
attendees of the 50th invasion of the pines wear red wigs on the ferry
an attendee of the 50th invasion of the pines holds a sign that says WHAT COMES NEXT?
an attendee of the 50th invasion of the pines wears a long red wig while smiling on the ferry

As the ferry full of drag denizens arrives at the dock in the Pines from Cherry Grove, drag artist Lola (attired as Madonna a la Marie Antoinette) and singer Seth Sikes (in a red and blue Speedo) regale the crowd with a rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner.” A collective of dancers will spray confetti into the sky and introduce Panzi, who will later have a ferry named after her, and party upon party of people in drag will exit onto a pink carpet and wave to the crowds. It’s hot, but I barely feel it, snapping away at my camera as each person leaving the ferry smiles a real, true, genuine smile. I am witnessing joy, and this is its power, its triumph over adversity, its reclamation of space, its assertion of positivity. And while I wish I could witness it every year, I’m grateful for the almost 50 that have come before, for Panzi’s work in organizing, for the people who have shown up in drag and to watch.

a drag queen in a fruit outfit
a drag queen with a shimmery outfit
an attendee of the 50th invasion of the pines

I think of a conversation I had with my uncle recently, where he asked me what I think when I see an American flag pasted on someone’s car or home now. Without pausing I responded, “Republicans.” And what a sad thing to think, that for some the flag would come to represent the blind nationalism, exclusion of others, repression, closed-minded thinking, and conservatism the party has become known for, in addition to the suppression of queer and trans rights and even the suppression of drag.

But that America is not my America. Rather, this is my America, the Invasion of the Pines. It is this America that was founded on protest and freedom of expression, as much in 1976 as 1776, as it dances and glitters in the face of oppression. The Invasion of the Pines is a celebration of what America means to us. It is the only America I am interested in, and if I cannot have a day where freedom is celebrated with wigs and lipstick and mustaches and feathers, then I don’t want it.

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Elyssa Maxx Goodman

Elyssa Maxx Goodman is a New York-based writer and photographer. Her book, Glitter and Concrete: A Cultural History of Drag in New York City, was named a 2024 Stonewall Honor Book for the Israel Fishman Non-Fiction Book Award, a finalist for the Lambda Literary Award in LGBTQ+ Nonfiction, one of Vogue’s Best LGBTQ+ Books of 2023, and one of Booklist’s Best History Books of 2023. Her writing and photography have been published in Vogue, Vanity Fair, T: The New York Times Style Magazine, them., Elle, and New York, among others.

Elyssa has written 7 articles for us.

1 Comment

  1. Thank you so much for this piece! I hadn’t heard of this tradition; glorious.

Comments are closed.

The Slut4Slut Couple F*cking Through a “Wanna Try” List

Sex/Lifeis a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. We send them nosey questions, they record themselves answering them, and we transcribe that conversation for all of us to enjoy. All names have been changed and any identifying details removed.

Rowan and Rooney have been together in a monogamous relationship for almost a year. They both live in Chicago and are 29. Rowan is trans and queer, a graphic designer/illustrator and nanny whose hobbies include soccer, cooking and sewing. Rooney’s a pansexual creative producer who likes to collage, bake and collect knick-knacks.

And this is how they fuck.

How has your sex life changed since the beginning of your relationship?

Rowan: I don’t feel like it’s changed that much. The frequency is the same. We were very intentional from the beginning.

Rooney: I agree, and I’d say the only thing that feels different now is that we’ve just had more time to nurture our intimacy and learn more about each other’s desires and bodies.

Rowan: We’ve just added more to it.

Rooney: Yeah. And it feels just as exciting to explore with you as it was at the start.

Do you live together? If you do not live together, talk to us about why you’ve made that decision and how it has impacted your sex life.

Rowan: It’s not necessarily a decision we made because we’re just not there yet, but we do spend almost every night together.

Rooney: We live a 15-minute walk from each other, so.

Rowan: Honestly, I don’t know. I guess the question doesn’t fit us, but our living situation did change. When we first started dating, neither of us had a place for sex without an ex or a family member.

Rooney: The issue of privacy has been resolved since I got my own place, and that has impacted our sex life by taking away a stressor.

Rowan: Yeah, it’s freeing.

Rooney: We did enjoy car sex though, as a workaround before.

Do you have a top/bottom dynamic?

Rowan: Yes and no. Naturally, yeah, we both have more comfortable roles, but we aren’t stuck. We’re open to exploring and do explore, but we definitely have a default dynamic.

Rooney: I feel like it’s nice to be with someone who is like, yeah, I do enjoy this dynamic, but I’m also open to exploring things outside of that — the curiosity and play aspect of it.

Rowan: I think personally as somebody who’s trans and with dysphoria, the only reason I’m comfortable enough to explore switching that dynamic and taking on the dynamic of being the bottom is because I feel so secure and comfortable in our normal dynamic. It doesn’t give me dysphoria.

Do you feel like your sex drives are well-matched?

Rowan: Yes.

Rooney: Yes.

Rowan: I feel like maybe mine is a little bit higher, but not so much higher that it’s not a good match.

Rooney: I mean, not that being a slut is directly related to a high sex drive, but we found each other on an app because I put “slut for slut” in my profile, so I knew what I was looking for.

Rowan: Same.

Rooney: … yeah, I would say that we are well-matched for our energy and desires.

Rowan: That was something we connected on from the beginning.

Are there specific things you like to do during sex or things you don’t like to do?

Rowan: I really feel like we have a very wide range of ways that we like to enjoy sex, so it’s hard for me to choose one thing. I know that I don’t like candle wax, but that’s—

Rooney: On you.

Rowan: Yeah, on me. That’s about it for me.

Rooney: There’s plenty of specific things that we like to do. All of them come from a place of curiosity and exploration. We do a lot of things that explore different sensory experiences like candles and impact. Things we don’t like to do? I personally like to go a bit slower to ramp up up into sex.

Rowan: Right, one thing we do every time is —

Rooney: Foreplay?

Rowan: Yeah. And getting grounded. I feel like that’s a big point of that.

Rooney: Like our breathing?

Rowan: If one of us is having a hard time fully being there, we’ll take some breaths together. And it’s been very helpful —I wasn’t expecting to feel the way that I feel when we do that. But I really like that.

What are some things you’d like to try or try again?

Rooney: We got a list!

Rowan: A never-ending list! I think at the top of the list is rope. But that one’s harder ‘cause you can’t just try it, you need to know what you’re doing.

Rooney: You gotta get educated and learn and practice.

Rowan: Yeah, you’ve gotta be safe.

Rooney: That one’s up there. We’re definitely exploring anal —and some water sports even.

How important are orgasms to your sex life?

Rowan: That one is kind of in the process of changing. I mean, I think it is obviously a desire for most people, and fortunately it’s usually pretty achievable for both of us. But with things we’re going through in our lives, sometimes that’s been harder to achieve. So we’re just focused on taking that pressure off and enjoying all parts of sex without feeling an orgasm has to happen.

Rooney: In the past, my sex life was very much centered on achieving orgasms. While that was very fun, it also was limiting in terms of the sensations and how present I could feel during sex if I wasn’t just trying to reach a goal.

And it’s also like — I don’t know, orgasms are feeling more important and different, as I get older. The more I have sex, the more I feel like I can have good secure sex with you — literally just started crying during orgasms, which is new for me, but is a thing. So we think about it and we’re very intentional about it.

What role does masturbation play in your sex life?

Rowan: That’s also something we’re navigating.

Rooney: Nuance!

Rowan: It does play a role in our sex life, but I don’t think it’s something that we’re like… It’s not a part of our sex life at the same time though.

Rooney: It’s almost like… supplementary? Like you’ll text me when we’re not together and tell me that you’re masturbating thinking about me and what you’re thinking about, and I find that really hot. So it can feel very complimentary to our sex. And sometimes masturbating is very much a more solo personal individual experience.

I think that there’s enough we want to explore together —before meeting each other, we were both in long-term eight and five-year long relationships where it kind of turned into just masturbating. And so I think that’s something that we’re trying to be really cautious of.

Tell us about your favorite or most memorable time you’ve had sex together.

Rowan: I think for me it’s car sex. I mean, really any time. They’re all my favorite for different reasons. But that was — even if it’s not the best sex we ever had, the experience of it and what it meant to me and how it felt like it fulfilled the dumb teenage fantasies that I had but had never got to live out. I just felt like a dumb teenager and it was really healing. And yeah, I think we’ve gotten pretty good at it.

Rooney: It’s so hard to pick a favorite! But that one’s up there with when you got me that glass dildo, which I’d never tried—

Rowan: Since I’ve met you, you have had a goal of wanting to squirt, and so obviously the first time that happened, I don’t think either of us will forget that.

Rooney: That was very memorable.

Rowan: Yeah. That’s it.

Rooney: That’s it!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Sex/Life

A series that gives readers a backstage pass into the sex lives of queer couples (and throuples, polycules, etc) around the world. To share your own story, email [email protected].

Sex/Life has written 8 articles for us.

My Ex Is Stuck in Friend Request Purgatory

I don’t want to accept my ex’s friend request.

And before the sapphic court of law tries to revoke my queer card for saying that out loud, hear me out. This isn’t about being petty.

She was a Pisces. A classic one. Fantasy-prone, romantic, an old soul with a deep ache in her eyes and a playlist for every possible moon phase. She felt like a dream you didn’t want to wake up from until you realized the dream was getting…weird. Like, “we’re throwing up together from alcohol poisoning on a Wednesday” weird. But also, like, “impromptu threesome at my neighbor’s house” weird. Life with her was a string of vivid, sensual scenes stitched together by poor decision-making and horny ambition.

We met at a queer party (obviously). Our relationship lasted four months — barely. A blink in lesbian time. But while it was brief, it was also one of the most fun, the most deliriously experimental. And if you had asked me during month two, I would’ve sworn we were twin flames, soulmates, trauma-bonded lesbians with matching playlists and matching trauma. Honestly, it was fun. She was fun. Spontaneous and wildly sensual. There was something electric about being with someone who made every moment feel like a performance art piece we didn’t rehearse for. Even the sex was like a fever dream — wild, consuming, borderline illegal. Then again, most of my sex-periences feel like that. We had sex everywhere. Okay, not everywhere, just all over our shared two-bedroom apartment. Our two roommates politely ignored the muffled moaning sounds.

She was also in a relationship when we met. Surprise! Lesbian timelines are lawless. And no, she did not mention it — at first. She said it was on the rocks, “basically over,” and I, being in my delusional rebound era, said: cool, just make sure it’s actually over before we go any deeper. She ended it. Supposedly. Maybe. Probably. I didn’t do a fact check. I just let myself fall into the delicious chaos. We made the best pork fry combo for dinner almost daily. We cried to hopeless romantic music. Danced.

But from the start, there were flags. Not fully red, but a fiery burnt orange.

She couldn’t put the bottle down. Some nights she’d sip whisky like it was water. Once, we drank so much we were vomiting side-by-side, and I had to take myself to the hospital — because she couldn’t. Cute turned concerning real quick.

And the anger. Oof. You know those people who try so hard to be chill, soft-spoken, poetic, and then suddenly they snap and you’re like “am I in danger?” That was her. A Pisces with an alcohol-fueled rage problem. When the banks broke, she melted down in public. Full-on crying, yelling, emotionally combusting in front of friends and strangers. Walked on the other side of the street all the way home. The romantic mystique started to crack. And under it was a human being who needed therapy. (Don’t we all, though?)

She had a compulsive need to rewatch the same sitcoms — Modern Family, Two Broke Girls, Big Bang Theory. I wish I was joking. My brain still plays random laugh tracks against my will. Somewhere in there, a migraine is hiding.

Still, she was thoughtful. She wanted to know me. She made me feel like I was a poem she hadn’t finished reading. I don’t think she meant harm. I think she was just…her. Intense, loving, messy. The kind of person who hugs you like she means it and texts you at 2 a.m. The kind of girl who looks you dead in the eyes and says “you feel like home” three weeks in.

Ultimately, I realized I wasn’t where I wanted to be — not just physically, but emotionally. It was her house. I didn’t have a space to retreat to, to recharge, or to process the way I needed to.

That’s a truth I didn’t want to face. That this was a rebound that overstayed its welcome. That I was trying to replace grief with sensation. That sometimes, intensity is just pain wearing a sexy outfit.

So, we broke up. Well, I broke up with her. She took it gracefully — if you consider sleeping with my neighbor within days “graceful.” Which, honestly? Fair play. We were both young, sad, hot, and trying our best with our worst instincts.

Now, years later, she’s hovering again. In the digital bushes. A pending friend request. A ghost in my inbox.

And part of me wants to click accept. Just to see. Just to say I’m mature. Just to prove it doesn’t affect me anymore. But then I remember how slippery that slope is. How quickly a casual like turns into a DM. How quickly a “haha remember this?” turns into “do you still think about me?”

Of course I do.

I think about her sometimes. I wonder if she’s sober now. I wonder if she’s dating someone who also likes rewatching Two Broke Girls until the serotonin kicks in. I hope she’s soft and safe and not crying in public anymore. But that doesn’t mean I want her inside my life.

Because here’s the real deal: I’m in a relationship now. Not without its dips and wobbles, but grounded. Real. It’s not an erotic novella, but it’s steady, and I like that.

There’s a kind of ex you can be friends with. The kind that left peacefully. The kind you ran into three years later and genuinely wished well. This is not that.

This is the kind of ex that makes your current girlfriend raise an eyebrow when her name pops up. The kind of ex who might send a text in the middle of the night. The kind who lives on nostalgia and little openings. And once you crack that door, she’s in. Like glitter.

I don’t want her watching my stories. I don’t want her seeing the version of me I am now — the version who survived, evolved, softened in some places and hardened in others.

She made me wheeze-laugh mid-thrust and taught me things about my body I’m still unpacking in therapy. But that doesn’t mean she needs access to my life.

She was a season. A fever dream. A glitter bomb of an experience. And I’m grateful. I am. But also: I’m not accepting that friend request.

She can live in purgatory. Where she belongs.

May she heal. May she thrive. May she find someone who will rewatch those shows with her.

Just…not me.

I have come too far to let nostalgia be the backdoor to my peace.

There’s this myth that queers should always stay friends after a breakup. Queer love is beautiful, and queer breakups are messy.

Queer boundaries? Those are sacred.

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Carlo

Carlo Kui is an award-winning Kenyan poet, writer, seasoned Public Relations professional and Psychologist in training. With three self-published books and a decade-long journey in the literary world, her work fearlessly explores themes of love, identity, and empowerment. Carlo’s bold, evocative voice and dynamic stage performances have earned her recognition for her unique, dionysiac style. A feminist and advocate for body positivity, gender equality, and mental health, Carlo intertwines her passion for human rights with the joys and challenges of motherhood. Her writing inspires readers to embrace their authenticity and live boldly.

Carlo has written 5 articles for us.

25 Comments

  2. “…sometimes, intensity is just pain wearing a sexy outfit.”

    Brava. I should probably tattoo this on my wrist as a warning. To both myself, and others!

    • Right?! Honestly, I wrote it as a reminder to stop confusing chaos with chemistry. Tattoo it, stitch it on a pillow, write it in the stars. We deserve peace that doesn’t scream.

  3. Love how reading this piece feels like gossiping about an ex together in the most sophisticated way <3

    • OMG! That is exactly the vibe I was going for, sophisticated tea with just the right touch of emotional healing. 💅💔 Thank you for reading!

    • Sorry, but this gossip doesn’t feel sophisticated.
      It feels self-important, self-righteous, and desperate for validation.
      Not to mention childish.

      If Carlo felt intimidated or frighted by her ex, leaving is fine.
      Similarly, being a woman who is angry is also fine.
      Being not-compatible is fine.

      But writing a personal piece on a queer website, targeting an ex, who did not cause pointed and deliberate damage, seems unnecessary and attention seeking.
      As far as we are aware, Carlo’s ex did not have a diagnosis, social supports, mental health supports.
      If they did, then the damage would be more worthy of being dragged.
      I will all caps for emphasis.
      IF A PERSON DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG, IT’S DIFFICULT TO GET HELP FOR THAT PROBLEM.
      IF A PERSON DOES KNOW WHAT IS WRONG, THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR HARM ONTO OTHERS BECAUSE OF THE FAILURE TO MANAGE THEIR SITUATION. IT’S ABUSE/NEGLIGENCE.
      These two situations ARE NOT THE SAME, and WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
      They are not comparable. Anyone with half a brain could recognize this.

      Publishing a piece like this on social media might lead to the person who has no mental health support/safety nets to experience more severe symptoms and potentially develop new ones.

      If you want the person to get help, help them.
      If you want to leave, leave them.
      But don’t continue to do more harm to someone who is written up to be ‘unstable and in need of help’, instead of ‘they’re getting help, but they fail to do the hard and necessary work to heal and be a good partner.’
      Carlo adds harm and hides behind “processing and self-healing”.
      Wishing them well, with the additional backhand of ‘but I won’t help you. In fact, I’ll fan the flames,” is morally bankrupt.

      You all are just that ready and willing to jump on the train to Carlo’s self-righteous, desperate, validation-seeking pity party, huh?
      Even though her ex is part of the community and may use the website.

      I guess social media really will be the downfall of humanity after all.

    • SMH I thought women, especially those in the lesbian community, were better than this.
      Sorry to learn that I was wrong.

  4. Queer boundaries ARE sacred.

    This is just a stunning piece. I was nodding in agreement and recognition the whole way through.

    This part stopped me cold:

    “And the anger. Oof. You know those people who try so hard to be chill, soft-spoken, poetic, and then suddenly they snap and you’re like “am I in danger?” That was her.”

    I was kind of like that in my 20s, unfortunately. I so wanted to be chill and poetic (I am not) and I’d just ignore my emotions and rage until they exploded in messy, scary meltdowns. 30+ years and a lot of therapy and hard work (and some dumb luck) later, I barely recognize that person.

    • I don’t see why my last comment was banned.
      Could the moderator who removed my comment please share with me exactly what the problem was with my post so I can avoid the misstep in the future? Thanks.

    • It is very possible to be chill, poetic, and angry.
      And anyone can be harassed, abused, and mistreated to the point of anger meltdowns given enough time and exposure.

      I’m glad that you had the time, space, and opportunity to put in the difficult work of healing, cleo.

      People who tend to be poetic are easily misunderstood.
      People, especially women and afab folks, who display the emotion anger, are easily misunderstood.
      Thanks a lot patriarchy and shit societal norms.

      Using social media as a weapon of violence instead of a social connector is a problem.
      Is it possible that is what Carlo is doing in this personal piece?

      Her narrative frames herself as a victim, and her ex as the abuser.
      But as far as I can tell, her ex is someone who needs mental health assistance and may very well not know what problems they are wresting with, and thus might not know the best way to handle them.
      Sure, that can ‘look’ unstable and can lead to relationship complications, but ‘you can’t know what you don’t know’.
      It isn’t neglectful abuse unless at the time Carlo and the ex were together, the ex could identify and name the mental health diagnoses (ideally after seeing a professional), decide to not put in the work to heal, and THEN indirectly cause harm in the process.
      If the ex did have diagnoses at the time, I apologize to Carlo for my misreading and misunderstanding. I can only work with the knowledge offered in the piece.

      Carlo decided to leave her ex, which is fine.
      Carlo could have left this conversation with her therapist or close friends.
      Offering the writing in the form of an article on a queer-run website does unfortunately fall into the category of women who put down other women to gain attention, sympathy, and ‘social media victim self-righteous points’.
      At this point, I do not believe Carlo is processing her trauma. She is seeking validation, which regrettably will throw a vulnerable population of readers under the bus.

      I don’t want to say writing a piece processing the relationship is inherently wrong, but I do object to the framing of Carlo’s writing, or more specifically the put-down of her ex.

      Having mental illnesses that are undiagnosed is something many young queer people may live with, experience, and identify with. This is a common reality.
      And unfortunately the relationships and even friendships they are participants in will be more complicated because they don’t know how to manage their symptoms or understand what they are dealing with.
      I couldn’t blame anyone who identifies with the ex, or as an expressive angry women/queer in general, for reading this personal piece and deciding, “Wow, I thought this was my community but clearly it is not. Maybe I’d be better of leaving.”

      Processing failed relationships is great, and I understand the urge to talk shit about your ex to a therapist or close circle of friends. Social media is not the place for this.
      And especially not autostraddle, which seems to be an attempt at community building, not community dividing.

      Maybe I’m stupid but I just don’t get the amount of validation and support Carlo is getting in the comments.
      Don’t accept your ex’s friend request, fine.
      I have exes that I never wish to speak to again. I’d leave the state or file for an order of protection first. I get it.
      But don’t take a shit on your ex on a center-stage autostraddle personal piece to make yourself feel superior and farm in validation in the comments. This narcissistic behavior illustrates the human decay due to social media. What is acceptable and passable online content is shifting for the worse.

      Autostraddle should be better than this.

      • Hi there,
        I appreciate you taking the time to engage with the piece. I hear that it brought up strong feelings for you, and I want to respond with clarity and care.

        To be clear, this essay wasn’t written to cancel or vilify anyone. It was a personal reflection about the emotional complexity of boundaries—especially in the aftermath of a relationship that had its highs and lows. I didn’t name my ex, I didn’t diagnose them, and I certainly didn’t mock them. What I did was speak to a moment of unresolved tension—honestly, and yes, poetically. That isn’t cruelty. That’s storytelling.

        I understand that for some readers, especially those who have lived with undiagnosed mental illness, it can feel painful to see themselves in the role of “the unstable ex.” But personal narrative isn’t propaganda. It’s not meant to speak for everyone—it’s meant to speak truthfully from someone. In this case, me.

        And while I hold compassion for people navigating mental health struggles, that compassion doesn’t cancel out the harm they may cause. Mental illness and accountability can coexist. Saying that someone’s behavior was difficult or hurtful isn’t the same as denying their humanity—it’s acknowledging my own.

        To call someone, me, “narcissistic” for sharing my side of the story, particularly in a queer space that explicitly exists for queer storytelling, feels like a misread of both the piece and the purpose of platforms like this one. Autostraddle has always been a home for messy, vulnerable, complex queer stories—including the ones where we’re still figuring things out.

        At the heart of this piece was something soft and true: sometimes, an ex tries to come back into your life—and you have to say no, even if part of you still cares. That’s not hate. That’s a boundary. And in writing this, I was honoring mine.

        • Carlo, no. I am calling your behavior regarding your personal piece narcissistic for your framing, the fact that your ‘sacred boundary’ is putting down a subset of individuals in the community, and the fact that you are not holding yourself accountable in the personal piece.

          It is cruel to paint yourself as a victim, cry about your ex’s lack of accountability, all while demonstrating a lack of accountability yourself. Autostraddle can and should do better.

          The storytelling and narrative is placing you, center-stage, as a did-no-harm angel, while poking fun at your ex, who might not have even recognized that her coping mechanisms are harmful and masking mental health issues. (Or she might not care if the problematic coping mechanisms are achieving success at managing mental health symptoms- a common reason people don’t seek help earlier.)

          I agree accountability is important and can coexist with mental illness, but it’s glaringly obvious and understandable that this is limited for your ex at this time. You seem to be aware of this fact in the piece.

          As you say, what ‘brought up strong feelings’ for me is your lack of accountability, Carlo.
          Let me be clear. You’re allowed to be upset at yourself for getting swept up by you problematic ex, about your poor boundaries at the time, and about the pain your unhealed ex inflicted. You’re allowed to be a storyteller and grow from a bad experience, and learn what better boundaries look like for you.
          But let’s be real- your ex needed help and you didn’t have the capacity to help, and maybe your ex didn’t want your help or anyone’s help.

          The damage your ex caused wasn’t deliberate. If your ex was an addict, like you suggest, and didn’t have these safety systems in place, then that awareness of harm or potential harm is not likely to be intact. It wasn’t a failing of your ex for ignoring their treatment plan, or not following through with their healing work if these safety nets do not exist.

          This wasn’t your situation, Carlo. You can be a ‘soft storyteller’, but omitting that your boundaries were so bad, that you made the active choice to date someone who uses a copious amount of drugs/alcohol to deal with stressors, and then go so far to participate in the drugging with them, is a significant part of the relationship problem. It’s difficult to say exactly how much responsibility and ownership of the relationship malfunction is on you, but the choice of dating an addict not in recovery, and drugging with them, feels like it’s around half, 50%.

          Not discussing your poor boundaries reveals a lack of accountability to yourself and your audience.
          Ignoring this nuance and putting 100% of your blame on your ex is not soft or true. It’s a partial truth. The framing that comes with is alienating to others who are on the other half of the relationship malfunction. If you’re going to use your storyteller center-stage to highlight ‘sacred queer boundaries’ you need to be honest about your own shortcomings in the mess.
          Having bad boundaries? Check.
          Worked on them? Check.

          Even if you, like me, were explicitly abused by your ex, who claimed their diagnosis was healing, yet made little effort to work on their mental health, proceeded to sexually assault me, all while they pretend that their diagnosis was healing and that a pill will magically fix their faults and replace the rigorous work of difficult healing and therapy, 5-15% of the blame is still mine.
          I know that I am stupid for believing this individual was actually healing, delusional for thinking I could take my healer role into the relationship by helping them heal, and an idiot whose boundaries were simply not good enough.

          This is owning accountability- not escaping it, or writing my way around it.
          Overall, I agree with you on this- I am not letting any ex who sexually assaulted me or domestically abused me back into my life. I don’t care if they’ve healed or not anymore. It’s a forever boundary- a ‘sacred queer boundary’ if you will.

          But my healing teaches me that I made choices that put me in that situation. I’ve owned it. It’s disappointing. Sure, the majority of the blame is on domestic abusers and those who sexually assault others who will roll over, cry, and play the victim if it was ever said to their face.
          The majority of the fault is theirs.
          But not all of it.

          I’m going out of my way to write this to hold you accountable, Carlo.
          If you want to talk about accountability, you need to show that you are capable of it yourself. If you’re going to go off and write about something ‘true and real’, keep it honest, or ‘the heart of the piece’ becomes something of a half-truth, not fully true, not fully real.

          If you can’t look in the mirror and be honest, I’m not convinced that you’re writing from a place of healing.

          • It is incredibly harmful, completely unacceptable even, to suggest that survivors are to blame for the harm they experience. That kind of thinking protects abusers and silences people who’ve already been hurt. To accuse me of lacking accountability while implying I’m responsible for someone else’s abusive behavior is not only unfair, it’s beyond the realm of comprehension.

            I didn’t write this to assign 100% blame to my ex. I shared a personal boundary I had to set after realizing I could no longer stay in a dynamic that was hurting me. That moment of clarity was my accountability to myself.

            You’re also assuming I offered no support or care, which simply isn’t true. But personal essays aren’t full transcripts of a relationship, they’re glimpses. It’s okay to disagree, but it’s not okay to distort my story into something it’s not.

            This doesn’t feel like a dialogue. It feels like an accusation dressed as concern, and I won’t continue defending my safety or intentions here.

            Wishing you clarity and peace.

    • Thank you so much for this, truly. I felt a little nervous sharing that line, but your response reminds me why I did. So many of us were taught to suppress, smooth over, perform calm when what we really needed was permission to feel. The chill, poetic mask gets heavy after a while.
      I really admire your reflection and the journey you’ve taken. It means a lot to hear that this resonated with you, especially from someone who’s done, and still doing the work and lived through the messiness with tenderness and honesty.

      And yes, queer boundaries are sacred. Thank you for seeing that in the piece, and for holding space for it here. 💜

  5. Carlo, no. I’m saying your personal piece, your story, is the distortion because your lack of accountability to your own life choices. I’m talking about your accountability to yourself (and to your readers because you’ve gone and published this work.) (continued dialogue from cloe’s chain)

    You are in no way accountable for you ex’s poor behavior, but you always are accountable for your choices.
    You decided to date an addict. That was a bad life decision.
    You are not being accountable and honest with yourself about the responsibility of your choices in the failed relationship.

    It also needs to be said that writing this personal piece in itself is NOT a boundary.
    Not accepting your ex’s friend request IS the boundary.

    Carlo, it is clear that you are a gifted writer. But throwing around therapy buzzwords and self-help talk doesn’t mean that you’re as healed as you insistently pretend to be.
    It means that you’re a writer. And all the writing I’m seeing from you right now is writing form a place of hurt. You’re an unhealed person, who happens to have a way with words.

    You are correct. This is an accusation. You are an unhealed person pretending to be a healed person that writing from a place of healing.
    You demand accountability from others and fail to show that you are capable of accountability yourself.
    You could decide to make our back and forth a dialogue, but instead you decided to end the conversation because you felt threatened. I am not threatening you or your safety. I am pointing to truth, and you simply don’t like it because it doesn’t align with your narrative. Maybe you don’t like it because it will force you to learn and grow.

    This is *probably* why my first comment of the chain got deleted. Maybe it was an accident.
    But it feels like it has more to do with Carlo’s need for validation, and need to end, or censor the voices of people who don’t share her view.

    What I’m saying isn’t inherently hateful or harmful. But if it feels like an attack to you, Carlo, I encourage you to continue going to therapy and doing the work.

    There is a way to write ‘ex’s friend request forever stays in purgatory’ from a true place of healing, and this personal piece is not it.

    • What’s most harmful here is the implication that being abused is somehow the consequence of poor decision-making. People don’t knowingly walk into abusive dynamics and then become to blame when they’re harmed. That’s not just a misreading of my essay — it’s a dangerous narrative. Most people don’t get into relationships knowing their partner is an addict or an abuser. I certainly didn’t. That only became clear after we’d moved in together.
      I never claimed to be above accountability. In fact, I explicitly wrote that we all deserve therapy (“Don’t we all, though?”) — myself included — and that I left the relationship when I realized I had failed myself by staying in something that no longer felt safe. That is accountability. Not performance.

      Writing about pain doesn’t mean I’m unhealed. It means I’m honest. It means I’m making meaning from my experiences. That doesn’t require your approval, or your permission.

      Also, I don’t run this site, I have no power to censor you, and no reason to. My boundary was not accepting a friend request. That’s my right, and it’s part of my healing. I shared that, not to advise anyone, but to name my own line.

      And while I won’t defend myself to someone determined to misunderstand me, I will remind you: survivors don’t owe you perfection, or politeness, or a version of healing that makes you more comfortable.

      I’m not interested in a back-and-forth where the only acceptable outcome is your comfort with my process.

      Thank you for engaging with my work and for complimenting my writing. I appreciate your passionate regard for this specific piece. It’s an honour to be in dialogue, even in disagreement. 🙏🏾

      • Even when you don’t know you’re entering an abusive dynamic, part of the healing work is figuring out why you are attracted to people who abuse, and unlearn that unconscious attraction. You had bad boundaries and you refuse to acknowledge or name it. Therapy helps with this. It’s very difficult to do without support. This is the accountability that is specifically tailored to you and your trauma. Leaving the relationship was the correct decision, but it’s not accountability. While everyone probably DOES need therapy, this blanket statement shouldn’t be mistaken for personal accountability.

        You write about your pain, but don’t acknowledge your own shortcomings in the situation. That’s inherently dishonest and comings from lack of healing, Carlo. It’s not painting an full picture of what happened, just the picture you wish for the public to see. That’s performance.

        The boundary was not accepting the friend request from your ex. This decision was enforcing your boundary.
        Accepting the friend request would be betraying your own boundary that you set for yourself.

        Unfortunately for us both, I understand you well enough.
        I am domestic abuse survivor.
        And I am a social worker.
        I’m not asking for perfection, politeness, or comfort from you. I’m curious as to what exactly I’ve said to make you think that I’m demanding any of these qualities of you right now?
        What does it say about you and your expectations of yourself and others that perfection, politeness, and comfort are unconsciously expected?

        I don’t expect or ask for comfort from you.
        I’m expecting you to walk the walk when you talk the talk.
        You demean your ex for their lack of accountability, in a personal article where you demonstrate the lack of your own accountability.
        That’s a problem.

        I don’t have a problem with your skill as a writer, but I do have a problem with your framing and ‘process’ when your ‘process’ gives you a pass to not hold yourself to standards you expect from others.
        That’s a lack of integrity.
        It is not undermining your humanity. It’s not undermining your right to ‘tell’ your side of the story’.

        You have been projecting onto me the idea that I don’t want to have a back and forth conversation. And yet you’re the one who constantly makes effort to end the discussion. I’ve had to go out of my way to keep the conversation going.
        Funny how that works well when you’re correct. But you’re not right here, Carlo.

        I hope you heal and learn from this experience.
        Maybe take some time and read through the back and forth again.
        It should be helpful for you and your healing journey.

        • Thank you for sharing your perspective. I’m genuinely sorry you experienced domestic abuse, no one deserves that, ever. Not even if they’ve struggled with attraction patterns. Abuse is wrong, full stop.

          Abusers are often manipulative; they mimic safe, loving partners until the mask falls off. I refuse to blame survivors or suggest that evaluating their attractions is a prerequisite for healing. Therapy requires a deeply delicate, supportive process, not judgment based on what someone should have seen coming.

          This essay reflects me as someone who made mistakes, learned from them, and is now actively refusing access to someone who once caused harm. That’s growth, not performance.

          I hear your call for accountability, and I recognize how personal this topic is for you. But I also stand by my boundaries, my healing process, and my right to frame my story on my own terms.

        • I really hope you are lying about being a social working, because victim blaming rhetoric like yours gets abuse victims fuckinh killed.

          • Thank you, I like to believe I am counter-culture too.
            No, I am not joking.
            I have a masters degree in social work.

            I am a survivor of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and an attempt of murder at the hands of people I’ve trusted.

            My healing has informed me that I tend to be too trusting and am often drawn to qualities of people who mistreat me.
            It’s taken a lot of work and therapy to recognize that this happens AT ALL. Especially since this pattern has been happening since early childhood.

            I’m not excusing abuse in any way.
            Nor am I trying to blame the victim for the abuse.
            Everyone is responsible for their own actions at the end of the day. The perpetrator is responsible for the abuse, of course.
            And at the same time, Carlo is responsible for Carlo’s actions and behaviors.

            I am explicitly pointing out that a healed person would not write a personal piece like this without acknowledging what drew them to their abuser.
            This unconscious pattern is the dysfunction that Carla brought to the failed relationship. And the insufficient boundaries. It’s a tragedy. And again, the abuse- action of another- is not her fault. But unlearning the pattern, or being aware of it and when it is kicking in is Carla’s responsibility.

            Until Carla can do this, there’s a high probability that abuse will happen again in some other relationship in some way or another.

            And I’ll let you in on a secret.
            The secret to healing lies in Carla’s agency, in inspecting the relationship and identifying and owning the pieces of dysfunction she brought to the failed relationship. That’s the healing work. Carla can’t control or manipulate other people- that would be abusive.
            It Carla can change her behaviors and actions going forward.

            Once she actually heals, she won’t have the need to write a person piece like this because she’s held herself accountable. I’ll say it again.
            The point of this piece isn’t Carlo’s healing or processing. She has a need to feel validated and better about herself.
            Unfortunately, taking to social media and farming for sympathy and validation is not healing. This personal piece was not written by a healed person.

            Using social media this way feels wrong to me. Seeking validation isn’t a replacement for healing. It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the long run it’s not going to be enough.

            If you are like me, it’s possible that you have a developmental disability or two and cooccurring mental health problems that makes healing and identifying your own dysfunctions and attraction to people who treat you poorly more challenging. Life is really a crap shoot in that way.
            I know I’m not a dumb person, but it really feels dumb how sometimes life doesn’t bother to give you lemons, but everyone acts like you should have them and why isn’t it lemonade yet? You know?

            Don’t be like me and fail to better recognize these patterns until sexual assault or domestic violence happens because your partner is selfish and doesn’t care about you, or worse until an attempt is made on your life.

          • The crusading social worker strikes again. I’m pretty sure they wrote a similarly over-the-top response to a question about a bad kisser recently, but under a different name. The tendency to wildly pathologise is too similar. Each to their own I guess, but hell, some opinions are best left unread.

    • I can see you’re hurting, but your comments here are all really odd and antagonistic, and seem to fundamentally misunderstand what writers do, what personal essays are and what social media is. This isn’t a restorative justice session or court of law or therapy, and Carlo not writing about certain things doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Not all writing is about everything.

      Also the idea that you can only write critically about your ex if they are a proven abuser is wild! Sometimes I write angry poems about my exes just because it’s a Friday.

      Anyway, I thought it was great.

Comments are closed.

BABE Wine Bar Offers a Queer Wine Oasis in Brooklyn

all photography by Grace Brown

For Them and BABE Wine Bar have teamed up to make underwear that’ll have you feeling like a BABE. Buy yours in the For Them store and read on to learn more about the wine experience for hot queers offered by BABE.

While wine bars are a dime a dozen in Brooklyn, there isn’t a single one like BABE. BABE founders Ren and trent have created an intentionally queer space, full of queer, mostly BIPOC wine drinkers, a space where expert queer somms pour for you, with temporary tattoos and good music and great vibes. Ren and trent have managed to take the traditional narrative around wine and turn it fully upside down in the best way. And you know I love that!

Having been to two BABE events now, I understand why their events sell out in mere minutes. In fact, after their May event sold out, an Instagram commenter quipped that BABE tickets are the new Beyoncé tickets. This became even more apparent when the For Them x BABE Anniversary Party RSVPs dropped and sold out in less than a minute!

an attendee at the FOR THEM x BABE wine bar event wears BABE underwear
two attendees at the FOR THEM x BABE wine bar event wear BABE underwear, hold wine

I got the chance to sit down with both founders a few days after the one-year anniversary of the Instagram DM that started it all, when Ren first suggested she and trent start a queer wine bar.

We’re sitting in the garden bar of the Ace Hotel in Brooklyn, a leafy, sunlight-dappled indoor garden where later that evening, dozens of queer wine drinkers, mostly BIPOC, sip wines poured by the city’s most in-demand queer somms. I open with a Very Important Gay Question: big three, but as though they’re wine. I discover Ren is a Cancer sun. She chooses a muscadet — “ocean, moon child.” trent, a Scorpio sun, opts for a chilled red instead — “unexpected”.

From the first few minutes of the interview, it’s clear trent and Ren care deeply about wine, about creating an intentional queer community around wine. Their menus are approachable, inclusive. At their June event, three of their five wines were non-alcoholic. Wine has a reputation of being stuffy, boring, classist, straight — wine can be alienating! trent and Ren are working very hard to make sure that it isn’t.

“What I really like about the way we do wine is that — I won’t say all queers, but these queers — we are very thoughtful about accessibility,” trent tells me.

BABE x For Them underwear bands over jeans
a person holds a glass of wine while showing off BABE underwear

“All of our wines are going to be sustainably sourced, sustainably farmed,” Ren adds. “That’s something we take very seriously. Most, if not all, are minimal intervention.”

Their shared mindset around accessibility means making traditional wines an option, too. “We’re not just drinking cool, hip wines from California,” Ren says. “We’re drinking, like, Burgundy too, because that’s also accessibility, right? We want people to be enjoying the full range and scope of what wine is, and why not also drink really classical wines?”

I love the wines Ren and trent continue to choose for BABE! After trent’s Scorpio-as-chilled-red declaration, I’ve found myself opting for a chilled red more and more. I make sure to lean on the BABE somms whenever I’m at an event, though! BABE makes sure their somms are all queer, all experts, and this definitely makes a difference. At their June event, Oniyx Acosta and Zwann Grays were pouring, both of whom are hallmarks of the wine community in NYC. As an aside, Oniyx mentioned that they’re working on making a Virginian Mamajuana-inspired vermouth, which I cannot wait to try.

a person in BABE underwear
a bunch of Autostraddle Insider issues on a table

Also setting BABE apart from other queer wine events is their predominantly BIPOC crowd, a (very) welcome change for this queer South Asian. At both BABEs I’ve been to, I’ve run into more than a few people I know, and spotting a few people I know of. For the Bravo Dykes among us, I saw none other than RHONY celesbian Racquel Chevremont and her very cool fiancé Mel Corpus (!!) at BABE in May!

“We want our people to feel seen,” trent says. “We created this because we weren’t seeing enough of ourselves in spaces and in the industry. We want what we are creating to be centered in that and to uplift that. It is on purpose that you see a lot of Black folks here, a lot of people of color, because we need our spaces.”

Speaking of spaces, trent and Ren have plans to grow beyond the pop-up and into a dedicated space. They plan to begin fundraising again in the fall. For now, though, BABE has a newfound residency at the Ace Hotel in Brooklyn, which is where trent and Ren held BABE’s anniversary party in collaboration with For Them during pride month.

“We have a lot to celebrate, and we want to celebrate our cuties!” trent tells me. “We want to celebrate ourselves, we want to celebrate being in community.”

BABE x For Them had many of the things I’ve come to expect from BABE: a fun wine list, great music, temporary tattoos. But they also had issues of the Autostraddle Insider scattered on tables, and their temporary tattoos had a For Them spin on them. Also, it was the night Zohran Mamdani won the Democratic mayoral primary, so youknow the vibes were top-tier. Also, there were BABE afters at Gingers!

A full year of BABE events later, the community continues to prove that BABE is a space unlike any other, for us, by us. I can’t wait to go to my next BABE!

For Them has collaborated with BABE to release a special run of our queer underwear with a BABE band. Get yours before they’re gone!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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ashni

Ashni is a writer, comedian, and farmer's market enthusiast. When they're not writing, they can be found soaking up the sun, trying to make a container garden happen, or reading queer YA.

ashni has written 58 articles for us.

2 Comments

  2. Damn, wish I lived in NYC! I particularly like the comment on how it’s important for accessibility to have “classic” wines on offer as well, as I’ve run into that problem at my local wine bar – like, how can I contextualise all these cool minimal interventions without knowing wine history? This is a really great thing

Comments are closed.

Heat Advisory

This is The Parlour, a place for intimate conversation, a real-time archive, a shared diary passed between a rotating cast of queer characters every week in an attempt to capture a kaleidoscopic view of what it’s like to be a queer person right here, right now.

The following iteration of The Parlour is how I initially envisioned this series: nascent essays oriented around themes but without much of a “point” or lesson to be learned. So let’s see how this goes!

We’ve been under a heat advisory for a number of days, I couldn’t tell you exactly how many. They’ve melted together like the That’s It fruit bar I accidentally left in the backseat of the car, gone gummy and flacid. I’m writing this from Orlando, but I bet I could be writing it from other places, too, perhaps the place you are reading this from now, a place made hotter than usual by this midsummer heatwave sweeping the nation. That’s what it is: hotter than usual. Because Orlando summers are always hot. But this heat, it’s different. Ten degrees up from daily averages.

This heat advisory has collided with my preseason tennis training weeks. I’ve got league matches and tournaments coming up in September, and I made a promise to myself to train hard this summer, no matter the weather. There’s nothing I can do about rain, but heat I can push through, have to really. I watched a video recently where a tennis coach to the stars says the only way to prepare for playing in the heat is to play in the heat. He’s talking about touring professionals and in particular the way the record-breaking temperatures in London threw many players off at this year’s Wimbledon, where spectators kept passing out in the stands because it was so hot, halting play on the court. No one was used to the heat. The players, he reasoned, should have booked their practice court time for noon, not morning. They needed to get their bodies ready to play in extreme heat. I’m not a touring professional. It’d be a triumphant feat for me to get to Wimbledon just as a spectator. But I took his instruction to heart. I’m always doing this, applying advice for the pros to my amateur rec tennis life.

So I sign up for an advanced tennis clinic at 6 p.m. on a Monday. It’s supposed to be 94 degrees. I spend the day hydrating, eating well. Ever since I got home from a week in Portland, I’ve been doing this: hydrating, eating well. I’m not drinking. I’m in the gym training hard while summer storms churn outside. Drinking fruit-filled and protein-packed smoothies. Carbing up after cardio. Lifting heavy. Waking up fifteen minutes before sunrise because I’m working on a novel and two short stories and a long essay about my name and early morning hours are the only time I can find to actually do the work. But on the Monday before the two-hour tennis clinic under a heat advisory, I’m extra on top of taking care of my body. I want to set myself up for success. I drink electrolytes beforehand, prepare more to bring along. It won’t be enough.

Before I head out, my wife says don’t get heatstroke, and I’m sure we’re both thinking of the times in Vegas, during lockdown, when our only glimpse of the outside world was when we’d step out into desert mornings with frozen-through water bottles that became liquid in a matter of minutes. I craved those morning walks, needed them, but I also suffered under the scorching Nevada sun. I didn’t yet know how to care for my body in these extreme climate conditions.

🔥☀️🔥
Recently, I sat around with a bunch of other writers, friends, and we discussed which natural disasters scared us the most. Our answers were predictable, largely hinging on the regions where we’ve lived the longest. The west coasters: earthquakes. Tsunamis as an aftereffect of earthquakes. The east coasters: floods and hurricanes. The Midwesterners: tornadoes. Me: all of it. I’ve lived many places.

🔥☀️🔥
Tennis is brutal, right away. We’re only warming up, and I’m hot. The acquaintance who has been trying to get me to come to this class isn’t here. She texted me a few hours before to say she was skipping due to the heat. I recognize some of the others here: the husband of a woman I played a couple times on a flex league, a guy from the Sunday round robin I used to go to, a woman from that round robin, too, who is the kind of player I’m trying to be.

I’ve been playing in Portland all summer, so I’m re-acclimating to Florida! I tell the others when I need to break for water before they do. I’m always doing shit like this, trying to explain away weaknesses only perceived by myself. No one cares that I’m drinking water between drills. One of the coaches leading the session encourages it, tells me to break as many times as I need.

Seeing him here is a shock. A year and a half ago when I was just starting to get back into tennis, he was the only coach who took me and my goals seriously, didn’t condescend when I made it clear I wanted to be a shark of a rec player. He disappeared after a few weeks, ghosted me over text, and another player told me off-handedly he’d been caught blackmailing other pros. For what? I asked, and she could not tell me. I never fact-checked this absurd story. And now here he is, like he was never gone. Maybe he never had been as disappeared as I thought. Maybe he’s a mirage in the heat.

The Portland line is a bit of a lie. I hadn’t been playing in Portland “all summer.” Yes, it was true I was in Portland for almost the entire month of June and then returned for nine days in July for a writing conference, but I’d said it as if this were a regular occurrence for me, as if I “summered” in the pacific northwest, got out of the heat for a bit. God I wish. I only played tennis once, sometimes twice a week in Portland. Plus, the city experienced two separate heatwaves while I was there, so it wasn’t like I was playing in cooler conditions. There was no re-acclimating to do. Florida heat is already a hard thing to slough off.

But I wanted this, a legible excuse for why I needed more water breaks, why I was panting like the feral cat in the backyard we’d tried to offer water and treats to earlier in the day. Knowing I was already one of the weaker players that had shown up, I’d been trying to prove myself before the heat even settled into me like a possession. I should have been focusing more on my own game, on challenging myself. Instead, I was beating myself up for my body’s natural reaction to the heat, something so far out of my control.

Later, I reach out to the reappeared tennis coach to book a private lesson. He’s a blackmailer, and I’m a liar. We make a good fit.

🔥☀️🔥
The only way to play well in the heat is to play in the heat. I feel less sure applying this logic to the simple fact of living in the heat. The only way to live well in the heat is to live in the heat? The only way to survive the heat is to live in it? None of these sound right.

Next summer will be hotter. The next, hotter still. No body should become acclimated to this.

After the clinic under heat advisory, I take a cold shower run by my wife. I ice roll my face. I played well, I think, given the heat. All this, given the heat.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1067 articles for us.

17 Comments

      • that’s great to hear! i love writing and publishing them. def want to do more slice o lifey stuff again!

  2. From everything I’ve heard about Florida summers, there is no way to acclimate to them in Portland. Portland summer just doesn’t get humid.

    • yeah no i’m saying that i never stopped being acclimated to florida heat while i was away, not that being away made me acclimated. portland at 90+ degrees indeed feels much different than here

  4. god I literally could have written this myself – a week in new england followed by an attempt to return to tennis in south carolina. we’ve been rained out every day since I’ve gotten back, but I’ve been running in the mornings and it’s absolutely brutal. don’t get heatstroke!

    • Yeah lots of rain outs here too!! Good luck with tennis and also don’t get heatstroke lol!

  5. reading about the heat is so much lovelier than experiencing it

    i think the most unbearable heat i’ve ever experience in my life was in key west

    • I have said before that key west might be the hottest place on earth!!!!!!!!

  6. Every summer in New York makes me regret leaving Alaska. The heat index yesterday was 110 degrees. I hate it.

  8. Here, in Finnish Lapland (the santa claus place), it has been 78 to 88 Fahrenheit three weeks in a row. Not normal here. Thanks for writing about this, it feels peer support also with climate anxiety.

    Today I was swimming in the river to cool off and looked at an airplane flying above me in the sky. I had a feeling like I was in a pot being slowly cooked and the airplane was somebody adding heat to it. Living in this time is weird.

    • <3 totally know what you mean, strange time to be alive. climate anxiety really connects us all

      • Its incredibly hot in Scotland in the summer’s now. I moved up here eighteen years ago and summer was two weeks where you might not need a jacket. Now its months of too hot to wear clothes with weird humidity.

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No Filter: New Chappell AND New Reneé in the Same Week?! Let’s Go Gays

feature image photo of Chappell Roan by BG048/Bauer-Griffin / Contributor via Getty Images

Hello and welcome back to No Filter! This is the place where I tell you what our favorite queer celebrities are getting up to, via their Instagrams! Let’s rock and roll!

Wicked: For Good press tour is heating up! Are you ready for months of this? Unfortunately, I am!

Happy belated! And let me just say that is some gorgeously subtle sponcon!

Well this is my first time hearing of this “Street Hearts” which is making me wonder just how many niche mini…shows (?) live on Reels. Probably a lot! This one is cute though!

Can I just say this show and concept is like sooo much better with actors who are fun rather than like,,,political figures?? Anyway! Love this!

Janelle has posted not once but THRICE, and I felt something is coming! Or they’re up to something? But this series is making me wonder!

This is deeply relatable, and I personally tend to get too overwhelmed and then pick the weirdest thing available. Not a great hit rate for me, tbh!

This is why I have to keep rooting for these two! They just get each other!

I love that Marlon thinks Shawn is hottest of them? I have always been a Damon Jr girl, but Marlon is my second! Stand up Marlon, we love you!

Wow, actually between this and new Reneé Rapp album, if you weren’t gay before this week, you will be now!

BEST PRESS TOUR EVER STILL GOING STRONG! Also! Can people stop being such no fun looooooosers complaining about this? It’s COMEDY and it’s something new! Aren’t y’all bored of normal press tour BS? Let’s have fun again!!!!!!

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Christina Tucker

Christina Tucker is writer and podcaster living in Philadelphia. Find her on Twitter or Instagram!

Christina has written 363 articles for us.

2 Comments

  1. It’s an Autostraddle article celebrating the rare moment when two queer pop icons

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Mini Crossword Didn’t Go Out For Burritos

and

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Emet Ozar

Emet is a queer and genderqueer program manager, crossword constructor, and married parent to four children.

Emet has written 61 articles for us.

Rachel

Rachel is a queer crossword constructor, writer, and bioethicist.

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1 Comment

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‘Hot Milk’ Is an Imperfect Movie About Bad Mothers and Worse Lovers

Everyone dates their parents, says Freud and also gay people online thirsting over actresses twice their age. Our most formative relationships play out again and again through friends, through lovers, through teachers, through employers, even through therapists. But these repetitions are not always so obvious. Screenwriter Rebecca Lenkiewicz’s directorial debut Hot Milk, based on Deborah Levy’s novel of the same name, understands the complex ways parental relationships can seep into the rest of our lives.

Hot Milk is about a young British woman named Sofia (Emma Mackey) who accompanies her mother Rose (Fiona Shaw) to the Spanish coast in an attempt to cure Rose’s mysterious illness. A perpetual student with a focus on anthropology, Sofia’s life is in limbo, her true focus on her difficult mother’s well-being. As Rose begins to work with her new doctor (Vincent Perez), Sofia wanders the Spanish beaches and meets a Berlin transplant named Ingrid (Vicky Krieps).

From the beginning, Ingrid provides further concern for Sofia as much as she provides escape. It’s a relief to watch Sofia create a distance from her mother and seek out her own life and own pleasure, but Ingrid has flags redder than Sofia’s jellyfish sting. She’s immediately controlling, emotional, and overly affectionate. She also seems to be in a relationship with a man named Matty (Yann Gael) who may or may not be aware that Ingrid has sexual pursuits elsewhere.

On the surface, Ingrid and Rose have little in common. Rose is scared of the world while Ingrid seems to hunger for it. One can even imagine Sofia looking at Ingrid and seeing her as the complete opposite of her mother. Alas, two people don’t need to share surface similarities to treat someone the same way. And the closer Sofia gets to Ingrid, the more their twisted dynamic resembles the one she’s trying to escape with Rose.

The acting in this film is remarkable. Shaw, Krieps, and Patsy Ferran in a small role as Rose’s nurse are all excellent. But it’s Mackey who holds the film together. She was great throughout all four seasons of Sex Education and this film is proof that wasn’t just the magic of Maeve Wiley. With the right roles, Mackey could establish herself as one of the best young actresses working today. Unfortunately, the film does not quite match her performance.

Lenkiewicz’s directorial work is strong with an effective controlled style, a tight pace, and a clear ability to garner great acting. If anything the writer of queer films such as Disobedience and Colette, should’ve trusted her direction more. The script is overwritten, stating things bluntly that have already been communicated — and communicated better — in the silences. Every extended dialogue scene felt stuffed with confused exposition that weakened the characters rather than deepening them.

The film will resonate with anyone who has ever tried to solve their mommy issues in the bed of another woman. But it’s frustrating how often the film ignores its strengths, instead ending up an overwrought series of clichés. And yet, there are sequences — single glances from Mackey even — that still make it worth a watch. I just wish Lenkiewicz had trusted her images over her words. Sometimes the sharpest writing happens in the gaps.

Hot Milk is now available to stream.

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. Her writing can also be found at Letterboxd Journal, Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Into, Refinery29, and them. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Instagram.

Drew has written 744 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. I like so many of these actresses but I feel I had this exact problem with the book, of it getting so close and over egging the pudding…

    • A sanguine coven witch weaves a web. Gets mad when the bear recognizes her trap for what it is and avoids it for 10 years. The bear does fall into other webs, suffers, but survives nevertheless. Eventually the bear has had enough. She’s lived a good life and decided to humor the cobweb witch as she gives in to death. Even though a captured bear is what the witch initially wanted, she now becomes irate. “Not like this,” she complains. “There’s blood all over my pronged iron maws.”

      Can’t help but suspect that the witch did not wanted a mangled bloody bear to begin with.

      If you want to harm a bear, you set up a beartrap and lure the bear to it.
      If you want to ask a bear out on a date- say for coffee or tea, you send an invite or otherwise state your intentions.
      If you don’t feel safe around the bear, reconsider your feelings.
      The truth may not be as obfuscated or inscrutable as you’d like to believe.

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‘My Date Was Turned Off by the Idea of Being My First Girlfriend’

Q:

I recently had a good date turn bad and am looking for advice! My husband and I split up after I realized that I am not bisexual but rather a lesbian. I’d had sexual experiences with women before my marriage, but I’ve never had an actual official girlfriend before. Since the divorce, I’ve had lots of hookups, but I’m trying now to date with more intention and seriousness. This date was going really well, but when I disclosed that I’d never had a girlfriend before to this date, the vibe shifted immediately. She said she doesn’t want to be anybody’s first-ever girlfriend because she’s looking for something serious/longterm and doesn’t want to waste her time because “nobody ever settles down with their first girlfriend”?? But I am ALSO looking to settle down! My dating profile even says so!! I liked being married, I just didn’t like being married to a man. I’m in my 40s with two young kids for crying out loud! I want another life partner! Any hints on how to screen dates to not end up crying into my margarita again? Or is she right and I am just horribly naive to think that I’ll want to settle down with my first ever girlfriend?

A:

I personally think your date was being a little ridiculous. For starters, I know lots of people who ended up in long term relationships or even married to their first girlfriends ever. And we’re talking a range of identities here: people of different ages, sexualities, genders, and relationship histories.

Your date’s biases read as a muddied mixture of heteronormativity, internalized homophobia, and biphobia??? A hodgepodge of biases, if you will! That’s just my interpretation though, and it’s possible those aren’t the places she’s operating from, but my gut reaction is truly that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

And for that reason alone, even though it sucks that a good date went bad, I say good riddance to her. If she holds these opinions about dating, it just isn’t a good fit for where you are in life. The truth is there are people who sometimes have these hardlined feelings about people’s queer dating histories. We get a lot of advice letters from people anxious about diving into dating when they have minimal or no queer dating experience, and I’m always encouraging. It doesn’t matter! Or it shouldn’t. 

And if it does matter to someone, like your date, you don’t have to date them! There are plenty of people out there who won’t give a shit about the prospect of being your first girlfriend. Move on from this date gone wrong so you can find them.

Honestly you’re doing all the right screening by disclosing what you’re looking for in your app profile. I’m of the belief that you don’t need to really disclose that you’ve never had a girlfriend before until it comes up! Be honest of course. But I don’t think this is something you HAVE to go out of your way to disclose on a first date. It’s definitely not shameful. But you can wait until someone gets to know you before you delve into your relationship history.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1067 articles for us.

12 Comments

  1. I’m dating someone who has never had a girlfriend before and I really couldn’t give a rat’s ass. Sorry your date was weird about it!

  2. That really sucks. I settled down with my first girlfriend when I was a wee baby Gay in 1999. We just celebrated our 26th year together.

  3. OP dodged a bullet, this person wasn’t thinking about her as an adult who’s had a lifetime of adult experiences and knows her own mind, this person was thinking of her as if she became human a week ago.

    OP, your first relationship with a woman might not lead to marriage, but if that happens, it won’t be because it was your first, it’ll be because relationships often just don’t work out and sometimes it takes a few tries. You’re not doomed, you just don’t know how your luck is going to be. Any relationship, regardless of experience level, has a good chance of not working out. Lots of people think they’re compatible before they know each other very well and then they get to know each other better and realize they’re not, or things get weird, or change, or whatever. You’re not naive for thinking that sometimes good things happen.

    If you’re looking for advice, I think it might make you happier if you look for other lesbians leaving marriages to men (especially with young kids) and reach out to get to know them, whether or not it goes anywhere beyond friendship. Your situation is actually really common, and I think it’ll be grounding for you to have people around who understand and who you can complain to about bad dates!

  4. I see an old version of myself in OP’s date unfortunately. I was in two relationships in a row where I was their first girlfriend. The first woman left me for another woman and the second (who was also newly out) left because she wanted to have more lesbian experiences before settling down.

    For years I swore off dating someone who had not had a previous girlfriend, but I now know that those experiences had more to do with them than me and it’s unfair to assume other people would leave for the same reasons. Now I’m more focused on finding someone who knows herself and is ready to settle down regardless of relationship experience.

  5. Dear Kayla, This is a great article! However, I’m primarily commenting bc of something v disturbing I’ve noticed. Two v lesbophobic comments by user idontknow have been allowed to stay on the Low-Key I Chose To Be A Lesbian article. I know comments are now closed, but please can they be deleted? Autostraddle has always been a safe space, please don’t allow homophobic comments to stay.

    • It has become very clear the AS no longer cares about lesbophobia and is actively fostering a hostile environment towards lesbians.

  6. I suspect that this date would never have settled down with her own first girlfriend and just can’t imagine anyone else would ever behave differently.

  7. I’m my wife’s first gf and yeah, we’ve been married for years now, I have no regrets being her first girlfriend. Wishing the OP all the luck finding love!

  9. I’ve been following this journey for a while now, and I feel compelled to share my experience. With the incredible support of Dr. Evian, I was able to completely turn around my broken marriage. My husband had filed for divorce and was involved with someone else, leaving me devastated and worried about our four children. I was determined to restore our marriage and make things right.

    A friend of mine introduced me to this amazing herbalist, and within just a week of reaching out, my marriage was healing. Not only did he help us reconcile, but he also taught us the essential value of intimacy in our relationship. I’m absolutely thrilled to share that my husband is back, and he loves me more than ever.

    If anyone is facing similar challenges, I highly encourage you to get in touch with him via email at [email protected] or on WhatsApp at ‪+1 365 890 9297‬. You can find the support you need!

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How We Cultivate Intimacy in Our Aroace Friend Group

At a virtual support group, I met my (now) friends and found family as we all gathered to process the weight of identifying as aroace. We were grappling with the amorphous shape of our desires, which has been unhelpfully labelled as “absence” of sexual and romantic attraction, while imagining meaningful lives around it. The vocabulary of desire — elusive sparks, tingling sensations, hurried connections for intimacy, and a never-ending search for “the one” — is alienating. For us, desire is an expansive, overarching light which kept us warm through vulnerable and intimate friendships. Or as Audre Lorde writes in her seminal essay Uses of the Erotic: “The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings.” 

For us, desire was rooted in the erotics of intimate friendship and companionship as the foundation of our aroace selves and building our worlds rooted in chaotic platonic love. It is meals on the table and the joy of cooking together. It is coming together and momentarily forgetting we are “lacking” desire, basking in the glow of food, love, and belonging.

Plentiful, Gentle, Tender, and I lived in Bangalore and quickly became embedded in each other’s lives. It all started with a meeting at Plentiful’s house one rainy evening. Gentle got elaneer payasam, which we poured into small paper cups and drank. Plentiful had just moved to the city, still setting up their space, and none of us could anticipate at that moment how their various houses would become the anchor of our togetherness. Plentiful was good at giving, and one might mistake it for them having plenty. It was their hunger for being witnessed that ensured the door to their house was always open, food always ready to be heated, their bed always available for a nap.

After shared meals, we all head to their room, lie down in their cosy bed with purple bedsheets, and rest together. Desire on the table is not a prelude to the main act but a fulfilled meal in itself. Our bodies next to each other, we fall asleep in the safety of our presence while joking about “sleeping together.” Existing in those days felt as light as breathing. In our support group meetings, for the first time in our lives, we asked each other: What would be the shape of our lives if we prioritised each other?

***
We started to live this question by showing up for each other. Our support group went into a tizzy as Creative and Protective — our mutual friends from the support group — announced their impending marriage in Mumbai. Tender, Gentle, Plentiful, Enthusiastic, and I would travel in from Bangalore, and Sprightly was joining from Pune. Wonder and Kind were already in the city, waiting to welcome us. Wonder had opened up their home to us in Mumbai and welcomed us with freshly squeezed watermelon juice and sliced watermelons.

You can live a moment or know what it means, I thought, as we sat around Wonder’s living room and reminisced about earlier meetings, sharing collective surprise at being in each other’s lives for five years. Our greatest fear as aroace people was the lack of imagination for a future since all structures that prioritise and legitimise relationships are built around sexual and romantic desire. Identifying in the spectrum of absences is exasperating, as it is met with skeptical discomfort within the heterosexual and queer communities. It would have been so easy to never have met them at all. It is magical that we came together at all, and then became indispensable in each other’s lives.

We showed up for Creative and Protective, too. To start the celebrations, Plentiful and Wonder curated the Epic Ace Food Trail of Mumbai to familiarise us with the sights, sounds and tastes of the city. Wonder dissolved into childlike excitement as they narrated the history of the city and their fascination with the public transport system. Plentiful, our resident navigator, and Wonder, local Mumbai expert, planned the day and warned us of the extensive walking, running, stair-climbing, and the humid heat. We experienced Mumbai in all its glory, packed with fun-filled activities and, eventually, exhaustion.

Our first stop was Haji Ali, where we guzzled freshly squeezed fruit juice to withstand the heat. Then we headed to Aram Vada Pav, where Plentiful spilled an entire bottle of kokum sharbat, putting our phones and bags in jeopardy, and after accidents were successfully managed, we all had our spicy, garlicky vada pav, thaleepeth, sabudana khichdi, misal pav, kokum sharbat and kairi panna. Plentiful excitedly recollected the time they spent in Mumbai as a student as we explored bookstores and headed to Jimmy Boy to drink their famous raspberry and ice cream soda. We ordered a plate of chicken berry pulao that had the most decadent, layered flavours, chicken koftas, and tangy berries, which we devoured. We next visited Café Military for cold coffee, mutton cutlets, and caramel custard.

The ease of our togetherness was connected to long threads of vulnerable moments, epiphanies, and learnings we had together. All of us carried the ache of lost friendships and love that didn’t quite fit the boxes. By the time we met, we were well-versed with loneliness. In one of our support group meetings, we explored the themes of loneliness, and Plentiful, in a vulnerable moment, said they just wanted an intimate witness to their life. We had experienced friendships in the past as brittle, seemingly solid, but prone to crumble under the weight of our revelations.

With each other, we found that friendship isn’t just flimsy and fragile but a firm and tenacious ground. I experienced the strength of this ground when I was grieving loss of support systems and said out loud: Who will be there to care for me? Gentle, without missing a beat, said: I will, as if it had been the most obvious answer all along. Being with each other was so easy, an ease we had collectively arrived at by showing up for each other with home-cooked meals, being a quiet presence on sick days, and even things like taking a half day off to accompany each other for a doctor’s visit. If any one of us were visiting each other’s city, everyone living in that city showed up, houses opened, beds made, menus planned meticulously to account for diverse food tastes, and then hours spent in silence, laughter, and banter — chopping and peeling vegetables, sautéing onion and garlic, blanching spinach and a host of other culinary activity carried out with studious precision. All of this to collectively scream, yes, you matter to us, we matter to each other and togetherness is a tenacious thing built through messy and sticky platonic love. This shared history of tenderness allowed us to frolic around Mumbai, unencumbered by the weight of our identity and the losses that have accompanied it.

The day ended at the famous Leopold Café, where we tried their all-meat sandwich, pasta, chicken biriyani and kababs, polished off with chilled beer. We wore our aroace identities comfortably wrapped around us without being suffocated by the weight of them. We were friends, just having a great day, praying for a cloud or two for some respite from the merciless heat. Friends who are also aroace, love ice cream, drink raspberry and ice-cream soda together. Friends who dream of living together under the warmth and protection of these friendships.

***
Weddings have always been a sore topic with our respective families as we explored different terrains of togetherness. Gentle had waged a long battle in their household to dismantle the expectation of marriage, a battle they continue to wage. Tender, well into their late thirties, has stopped entertaining conversations about their prospective marriage. Plentiful ignores their parents and quickly changes the topic when the conversation shifts to dating and romance. Kind would use the defence of career growth to stall prospective conversations around marriage. I had to disappoint my family repeatedly to drill the message that matrimony isn’t for me and this isn’t going to change. Despite this barbed personal history with marriage, we all showed up to the pre-wedding festivities and cheered for Creative and Protective. The question of friendship and companionship has lingered with us, overshadowed by the stability of romantic partnerships, where friendships are often viewed as a fragile substitute.

Sara Ahmed in Queer Phenomenology describes orientation as turning “toward certain objects, those that help us to find our way. These are the objects we recognize… so that when we face them we know which way we are facing.” Marriage is one such orientation that we have been taught to recognize. But we turned away from marriage and towards each other as our anchoring points, committed to finding our way to togetherness and belonging. Wonder, Kind, and Enthusiastic grouped to get mehndi on their hands. Plentiful and I went to sample the desserts and found delicious mochi ice cream in blueberry and strawberry flavours, indulged in Calcutta Malai Toast, and joined Gentle, who was waiting for their aloo tikki chaat.We gravitated towards each other as I fed shammi kebab, veg spring rolls and Amritsari fish tikka to Wonder, Kind, and Enthusiastic as they waited for the mehndi on their hands to dry. The music was starting to get louder, and the world of marriage was shifting to take on a new shape as we turned towards each other, formed our circle in the crowd, and danced to the beat of Bollywood songs.

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Priyanka

Priyanka Chakrabarty is a neuroqueer person and lawyer based in Bangalore. They are a peer supporter and actively engage in advocacy for queer rights and rights of persons living with mental illness and neurodivergence. An avid reader of fiction, non-fiction, and poetry, they have been writing in the genre of creative non-fiction, literary reviews and fiction. They document their reading journey on Instagram: @exisitingquietly. A complete list of their writings can be found at: https://linktr.ee/priyanka2594

Priyanka has written 1 article for us.

8 Comments

  1. Love this!! My life has been filled with SO much more love and laughter since I recognized and embraced my aroace identity. I’m so happy yall have found this with each other!

  4. Oh my goodness! I just wrote about this myself today! I’m not aroace, but my friendships are the loves of my life and my soulmates and we take care of each other in similar ways. What a joy to read another perspective on this kind of rich, dreamy life.

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Lilly Wachowski Is Producing a Take on ‘The Stepford Wives’ With a Cast of Trans Women

feature image photo by Momodu Mansaray / Staff via Getty Images

Lilly Wachowski, whose impressive list of previous work includes The Matrix, Sense8, and Work in Progress, is creating a new sci-fi thriller short film. While she often works with her sister, this seems to be a solo project, where she will serve as executive producer, and it will be the directorial debut of Geena Rocero, a trans filmmaker who also wrote the film and will star in it. In fact, the entire cast of this short film, called Dolls, will be made up of trans women, including Arewà Basit, Vas Eli Macy Rodman, and Yên Sen. The score was composed by Susie Ibarra.

The short is about a private investigator who is trying to solve the mystery of a missing girl that seems to have some connections to a dating workshop for trans women that could potentially be a cult and is described as “a trans-coded take” on The Stepford Wives.

Wachowski says she’s “so proud to be part of this beautiful, weird, striking debut,” and I for one can’t wait to watch it. (And already know I’m going to want more than its 18-minute runtime.)

The title of the film, of course, references the term “doll” that is sometimes used to describe trans women, which is believed to have originated in the 80s ballroom scene. While the term has been around in the trans community for decades, it has been more front-of-mind lately because of the “Protect the Dolls” shirts by queer fashion designer Conner Ives (the purchase of which raises money for Trans Lifeline) that have been spotted on celebrities like Pedro Pascal as of late.

The short doesn’t have a release date yet, but there have been some sneak peek images shared with Them to tide you over until we get more news about the short.

More Links I’ve Selected Just For You

+ This is me using a review link to tell you to watch The Hunting Wives on Netflix if you, like me, have been waiting for Brittany Snow to play a girl kisser again since John Tucker Must Die (or just generally like parody shows that make Republicans out to be hypocrites, and also murder mysteries)

+ Catch a glimpse of Danielle Brooks’ lesbian character Leota in the Season 2 trailer of Peacemaker that dropped at San Diego Comic Con this weekend

+ Chappell Roan is having a mini pop-up tour this fall and will donate $1 per ticket to trans charities

+ The Mighty Nein, Critical Role’s newest (and gayest) animated series yet is coming to Prime Video in November

+ Reese Witherspoon’s daughter Ava Phillipe (who is queer herself) landed the titular role in queer film Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me

+ The queer supes of Gen V are coming back for Season 2 on September 17th and the trailer shows some crossover with The Boys

+ Supposedly there’s a Bend It Like Beckham sequel in the early stages of being conceived (make it gay, you cowards!)

+ Juno Temple’s queer character Keeley will return in Season 4 of Ted Lasso

+ Country singer Danae Hays has gone public about her relationship with a new woman after her divorce last year

+ Lena Dunham might be wrong about a lot of things, but she sure is right about this: “Everything is better with queer people in it.”

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Valerie Anne

Valerie Anne (she/they) a TV-loving, video-game-playing nerd who loves reading, watching, and writing about stories in all forms. While having a penchant for sci-fi, Valerie will watch anything that promises a good story, and especially if that good story is queer.

Valerie has written 660 articles for us.

Booters Is the Dyke Diner of My Dreams

all photos courtesy of Booters’ NYC photographer, M Fortugno (@snapppshots)

a person's torso and upper legs, with dollar bills stuffed in the waistband of black shorts.

I grew up in New Jersey, the diner capital of the country. College was also in New Jersey, because I never went very far. Our nights out were followed by mornings at the sticky tabled diner down the road, where we would drink burnt coffee (unlimited refills) and eat greasy, perfect breakfast foods while recounting the previous night’s mayhem. Diners are an ever-present part of the New Jersey experience. They’ve held me at my worst, seen me at my best. Until Booters, I didn’t know that I could love a diner outside of New Jersey. But Booters has all the makings of a perfect diner and zero Jersey accents to be found. Plus, at Booters, hot butches will squirt whipped cream into your mouth.

Booters is a dyke diner experience that centers butches, studs, bois, mascs, and the people who love them. And yes, it is a play on the Florida-founded American institution Hooters. Two of the members of the all-trans team, Oran Keaveney and Ariane Trueblood, were “butchifying” terms (one of the examples they shared over email was ‘borgy’, a butch orgy!), which eventually led Ariane to Booters: butch Hooters! Normally, Booters events are in London, but I got to catch them during their New York pop-up earlier this year! Oran, Ariane, and the rest of the all-trans team (Paz Bombo, and their NYC co-producer Vic King Smith), put together three events, all at iconic New York queer spots with wildly different vibes.

Cubbyhole was first up for Booters, home of my early twenties mistakes and the cheapest Wednesday margarita deal I know of. Their second was at Gingers, their third at Soft Butch, a trans-owned Bed-Stuy café.

a hanging sign that says butches are a blessing

I went to their second event, a tryout party at Gingers, in part because it’s my favorite dyke bar in the city and also because they promised ample whipped cream. The party was a dykey, campy competition, preceded by beer pong in the backyard. I got to Gingers a little early, just to scope out the scene. The backyard was crowded, with more than a handful of carabiner-carrying queers playing pong. When the event started, we all piled into the back room at Gingers, sweaty dykes wall-to-wall, all hoping to catch a glimpse of the chosen Booters candidates.

Contestants were judged on their performance in three rounds: grit, charm, and service. The service round (I love a service top) was the whipped cream round, the semi-finalists squirting whipped cream into as many mouths as they could before a timer went off. I came home sticky (complimentary).

A crowd in the back room at a lesbian bar, with a person wearing a Booters white tee holding a can of whipped cream upside down.

Booters draws and celebrates a diverse crowd, and the contestants they chose for their New York tryouts spanned a wide range of butchness. “The most important thing for us is showing that there’s no one way to be a ‘hot butch,'” Oran shares. “If you dig past mainstream media, butchness has this very rich, diverse, trans-feminist history, including the work of Leslie Feinberg, Amy Fox and Cheryl Dunye.”

“Butch trans women, butch trans men, studs, tomboys and sex workers of all body types make the butch identity what it is, and Booters is all about celebrating this,” Oran adds.

several people, including members of the Booters organizing team, all wearing Booters apparel. The person in the front is holding up a teddy bear with a Booters shirt. They're in a gay bar in NYC with objects hanging from the ceiling.

Booters launched less than a year ago, and in the time since, they’ve been asked to pop up at no less than 47 cities! Honestly, this list may have grown since Oran and I last spoke. The team does plan to return to the States for another pop-up at some point. If you live in London, their events happen regularly. In these events, Booters holds firm in their foundational values. Booters is importantly not a “British” pop-up, but rather an intentionally London one.

“London is a lot like New York in that it’s a big melting pot of different cultures and influences,” Oran says. “And Booters reflects this: Our event is very Americana-inspired, hosted by a first-generation Irish immigrant, and the rest of our core team have heritage from outside the UK.”

“Given the history of the British Empire and its current government’s views on issues like trans rights, immigration and Palestine,” they continue, “we aren’t representing ‘British culture’ through this event so much as how the combination of cultures in places like London makes food, fashion, and partying all the richer.”

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ashni

Ashni is a writer, comedian, and farmer's market enthusiast. When they're not writing, they can be found soaking up the sun, trying to make a container garden happen, or reading queer YA.

ashni has written 58 articles for us.

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Sapphic Historical Drama ‘Dope Girls’ Leaves Too Much Uncooked

When it comes to historical dramas on TV, I’m always a fan of shows that resist the temptation to re-tread well worn events and instead try and tease out something more interesting from the edges. So I was pretty excited when new drama Dope Girls aired in the UK earlier this year, drawing from the lesser-known history of female criminal gangs in interwar London (and undoubtedly greenlit owing to the popularity of Peaky Blinders). Plus, it’s set in Soho, literally London’s gay epicentre for over 100 years! Which means the only real crime would be if none of the characters were queer.

Opening in the immediate aftermath of the First World War Armistice, Dope Girls sets itself in a tinderbox of social upheaval: shell-shocked soldiers returning to a country they barely recognise amidst struggles for women’s rights, new immigrant communities and a population ravaged by pandemic and poverty.

It’s this homecoming that sparks protagonist Kate Galloway’s actions, lighting a fuse that burns and pops through the entire first season. A seemingly well-mannered woman working in a village shop, Kate loses her job when the owner returns from war. When her husband commits suicide leaving a string of debt behind him, Kate decides the only option for her and teenage daughter Evie is to steal her ex-employer’s takings and trot off to London to seek out her other (estranged) daughter, nightclub dancer Billie. Before you know it, Kate has violently killed a scion of the local Italian crime family, stolen another giant bag of cash, and decided she will set up her own nightclub to capitalise on Soho’s descent/ascent into debauchery.

Arriving at the same time in the capital is Violet Davies (Eliza Scanlen), down from a vaguely specified Northern environ to pursue the dubious dream of becoming one of Britain’s first female police officers. With her blonde curls, tough stance and burgeoning lesbianism, Violet could almost pass as Betty McRae from Bomb Girls, if someone had ripped out Betty’s wholesome soul and replaced it with a dark and ravenous void.

Why are the police suddenly interested in recruiting women? Because they have decided that nightclubs are the worst! Therefore they need all the help they can get in rooting out all the sleaze and are willing to take on ten “lucky” women that can make it through their rigorous recruitment process involving light stretches and jogging around a room that bears an alarming resemblance to my old school gym. No sooner has she trysted in a back alley with a fellow candidate, than Violet has dobbed her in for immoral activity and snagged the final spot on the roster. Immediately she’s tasked with strip-searching/assaulting a woman hauled in from a nightclub raid — you’ve guessed it: Kate.

Over six episodes, Dope Girls mostly deals with the consequences of its bombastic start and how its protagonists become increasingly tangled in the web of the Salucci family, a generally tiresome bunch of men with issues, with occasional oversight from matriarch Isabella (played by Geraldine James, who a select few may remember from her queer-adjacent star turn in Band of Gold many years back). Eagle-eyed fans of British sapphic TV may also spot Fiona Button (Tess from Lip Service) as the aristocratic wife of the minister tasked with running the police.

Although the show cracks on with the action admirably quickly compared to a lot of period dramas, therein lies the issue that prevents the show from making the most of its enticing milieu: when you’ve already had your lead characters solemnly steal, murder and backstab their way through the first hour, you’re left with a choice to either ramp up the action to untenable levels or else risk something of deflation. For me, it was definitely the latter. There’s still a lot to enjoy about the setting though, from the realistic diversity of Soho in that period, to the post-club scenes in the hazy dawn of smog-filled London, to the covetable Edwardian champagne coupes (that might just be me).

This show doesn’t attempt to make any character likeable, but we never get enough glimpses of the protagonists’ back story to root for them as antiheroes. We know Violet’s sister met a tragic end, which presumably has spurred her into the police. Yet without fleshing that out (or getting deeper into her “invert” leanings), we can admire Eliza Scanlen’s electric performance, but never really get behind Violet. Similarly, there’s teasings about why Kate abandoned Billie in London, leaving you with the sensation there was something foundational that happened to Kate, but we’re left guessing at what.  We see Kate and Violet developing as two sides of the same coin: women forced by circumstance and their own spiraling choices to blast a path forward for themselves, making up for their lack of power and leverage through violent determination.

At times, Dope Girls feels like an under-cooked origin story for these characters; here’s hoping for a second season so we can see Violet and Kate develop from enigmas into the compelling kingpins they could be.

Dope Girls is streaming now in the UK on BBC iPlayer, and in the US from July 28 on Hulu.

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Sally lives in the UK. Her work has been featured in a Korean magazine about queer people and their pets, and a book about haunted prisons. She never intended for any of this to happen.

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Where To Donate Money To Help Feed the People of Gaza

feature image photo by OMAR AL-QATTAA / Contributor via Getty Images

The people of Gaza are starving. You’ve probably read those words already somewhere, but they bear repeating until this stops. The people of Gaza are starving. All people: adults, men, women, parents, grandparents, children, babies. Israel, backed by arms and financial support from the U.S., will not let aid into the region. Israel is starving Gaza. Israel has long blockaded the Gaza strip, and the current crisis happening is the natural result of not just the past three years but decades of genocidal Zionist campaigns against the Palestinian people.

Palestinian liberation is inextricably linked with queer liberation. We should never forget that.

U.S. politicians and other people in power want you to feel powerless right now, because indeed, in the face of overwhelming calls to end the siege and let aid into Gaza, these politicians are doing fucking nothing. Israel announced this weekend it would start letting aid in, and while this is obviously a positive development, do not mistake it for a victory or become distracted. It’s too little too late. Announcements of incoming aid are undercut by the fact that Israel keeps killing Palestinians seeking aid. People in Gaza deserve so much more than the meager scraps of aid; they deserve to eat whole meals full of tasty, nutritious food. They deserve dignity, safety, liberation from their oppressors.

Let aid in AND end the genocide.

Do not let these feelings of helplessness give way to inaction. It’s what the Zionists want. There’s little material power we have in this situation right now. Take action and call your representatives. Show up to protests.

But perhaps even more crucially given that politicians are truly NOT LISTENING, if you have any extra funds to give — even if it’s just a few bucks — there are still organizations and mutual aid efforts working on the ground in Gaza to feed the Palestinian people. Finding these efforts is one of the last things Instagram is still useful for.

And if you’re not sure where to start, here are just a few suggestions for places to give your money to. I’m keeping this short so as to make it feel immediately actionable. There are also of course all sorts of smaller, individual- and family-specific mutual aid funds that could use your support, and the best way to find those is to follow Instagram accounts being loud about a free Palestine.

Gaza’s Roots

This grassroots mutual aid initiative runs a critical food program. Find out more about how to donate easily via Venmo, Paypal, and Zelle:

how to donate to Gaza's Roots

Gaza Soup Kitchen

Follow on Instagram.

Gaza Soup Kitchen typically runs 11 kitchens around Gaza, but right now only five are operational and many are operating at only 70% due to the scarcity of food caused by Israel.

HEAL Palestine

Follow on Instagram.

HEAL Palestine provides critical care and health services to the people of Gaza, including to Palestinian children, the largest group of amputees in the world.

The Sameer Project

Follow on Instagram.

There are several ways to give to the multi-pronged mutual aid efforts organized by The Sameer Project, including by using these QR codes:

QR Codes for The Sameer Project

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1067 articles for us.

5 Comments

  3. I’ve also been working with this family for a year to raise funds for their food, medicine, and tent maintenance (they’ve been displaced 5 times in the last two years). They have no food or water right now, and most of the funds my collective will be sending them this month will be eaten up by bank commission fees. Anything you can send makes a difference —monthly donations especially encouraged to create a reliable food source! GoFundMe.com/f/nakba-survivor
    We also have some fun donation rewards available at tiny.cc/pups4palestine

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Quiz: Which Lesbian Cleaning Tool Are You?

Help! A witch placed a curse on me that forces me to write a sapphic personality quiz that doesn’t really make sense every Sunday! I was just trying to go on my nightly eerie bog walk, and the next thing I knew, a bog hag emerged and declared I must become beholden to the unique powers of the lesbian personality quiz. Does anyone know any tips or tricks for reversing elaborate curses? I’ll take all the advice I can get!

Which Lesbian Cleaning Tool Are You?

Pick your poison:(Required)
Pick a spell:(Required)
If you were a witch, where would you live?(Required)
What magical being would you most want to be friends with?(Required)
Pick a Brothers Grimm tale:(Required)
What best describes what you dreamed of last night?(Required)
What are you like to live with?(Required)
Pick a familiar:(Required)
What’s something people admire about you?(Required)
Which of the following do you respect the most?(Required)
How do you think your exes would describe you?(Required)
How would you describe your best friend?(Required)
What mystical ability are you most interested in?(Required)

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1067 articles for us.

13 Comments

    • I had the perfect curse reversing solution but then I decided to withhold the information as revenge for being called a toilet brush. 💅 Good luck with your curse!!!

    • as a ms. clean magic eraser, allow me to
      ~*~erase!~*~
      not just reverse
      this curse
      for you!!!

      in order to
      rid you of
      the bog hag’s gag,
      you must do
      what is true!
      – when you view into
      a magic mirror
      what appears?
      – a clue!
      a “what to do”
      a choice to choose
      a query to peruse –
      who should
      clear your eerie path?
      who could hold
      the bog hag’s silly wrath?
      – if not you
      then who?!
      – break a bowl
      and you will know
      the name of the next
      sapphic sunday post host!

    • Oh, it’s simple really. Just find a cleric able to kast 3rd level spells and complete a quest for them so they might cast Remove Curse on you. They might ask you to slay a dragon or some such, but other than that, it’s quite easy!

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20 Thriller TV Shows With Gay Characters Like ‘The Hunting Wives’

There’s something so absolutely blessedly mind-numbing about going all-in on a (usually mediocre and brief) televised psychological thriller. Wealthy women who live on the seashore with dark secrets! The family matriarch and/or patriarch suddenly vanishes without a trace! Pretty young people with their whole bright futures ahead of them find themselves implicated in a vicious murder plot! Whether these stories begin as YA novels or beach reads, they eventually land on a streaming network for us to enjoy. Recently, Netflix’s Perfect Couple managed to strike a chord with people looking for something to half-watch on a screen. Unfortunately, as is the case with most of the forgettable thrillers I watch on Netflix (e.g., Behind Her Eyes, Fair Play, The Watcher, Anatomy of a Scandal, Safe), there were no lesbians in it!

The Hunting Wives has changed the game a bit, delivering a thriller that is unbelievably and overwhelmingly gay as hell, and I’m sure it has whet your appetite for more.

So let’s get into some thrillers that do have queer characters. For this list I focused on thrillers that are centered on the relationships between humans impacted by whatever mystery or thrilling situation lies at the heart of the show, rather than thrillers that are centered on law enforcement, government officials, journalists or podcasters investigating a crime that they’d have no relationship to were it not for their vocation, which I think would be a different list. 

Psychological Thrillers About Toxic Romantic Relationships

Tell Me Lies

Hulu // Two seasons // Based on Tell Me Lies by Carola Lovering

TELL ME LIES - “I Shall Now Perform a 180 Flip-Flop” - Bree’s birthday takes an unexpected turn. Lucy's excited to focus on someone new. (Disney/Josh Stringer)GRACE VAN PATTEN, SONIA MENA

(Disney/Josh Stringer)

The centerpiece of this soapy thriller set in 2007 at a fictional upstate New York college is the relationship between Lucy Albright (Grace Van Patten) and her absolutely insufferable and transparently toxic on-again-off-again boyfriend Stephen DeMarco (Jackson White). Lucy’s roommate, Macy, is killed in a car accident her first week of school, setting off a twisty little spiral of events that ensnare their whole social group. We’re also transported back and forth in time to a 2015 wedding between two of Lucy’s college buddies. In Season One, Lucy gets a new roommate, Charlie, who’s a lesbian, and although her stay on the series is brief, (spoiler alert) Lucy’s best friend Pippa also turns out to be queer.

Wilderness

Prime Video // Limited Series // Based on Wilderness by B.E. Jones

l-r: Jenna Coleman as Liv Taylor and Morgana Van Peebles as Ash

©Prime UK/David Giesbrecht

British couple Liv (Coleman) and Will (Jackson-Cohen) appear to have it all — a glamorous life in New York far away from their provincial home town, a widely envied marriage — but it all comes crashing down when Liv learns of Will’s affair with Cara (queer actor Ashley Benson). After coping with heartbreak, Liv moves on to revenge, and plans to execute it on a couples road trip to all the National Parks, only to arrive at Yellowstone and find Cara’s already there. Liv is sexually fluid and her best friend, Ash, is a lesbian with a very obvious crush on Liv.

Gypsy

Netflix // One Season

Gypsy Season 1

Still the only television program I’ve found so riveting that I hooked up my phone to my car (not a routine behavior for me in 2017, bear with me here) so I could continue listening to it on my way home from the gym, this objectively bad one-season Netflix show stars Naomi Watts as a psychologist who infiltrates the private lives of her patients. She becomes… entangled with Sidney Pierce (Sophie Cookson), a barista who falls in love with Jean and whose ex-boyfriend is a client of Jean? Also Naomi Watts is married and her husband is Billy Crudup. IDK you’ll have to see for yourself.

Leopard Skin

Peacock // One Season

Leopard Skin actors outside walking towards camera

Describing the plot of Leopard Skin is both challenging and largely irrelevant, as it is entirely its own beast, a very weird and compelling and erotic mystery about Alba (Carla Gugino), a documentarian whose husband let her for a cocktail waitress named Batty (Gaite Jansen), who Alba now lives with for murder-related reasons, and both of them and their housekeeper are held hostage in their mansion by some diamond thieves. “The show feels a bit as if David Lynch were to try his hand at a softcore Cinemax production,” Kayla wrote.

You

Netflix // 4+ Seasons // Based on the You series by Caroline Kepnes

Two girls at a bar toasting and happy

The queer content in You is … meager, to say the least. Shay Mitchell plays Peach Salinger in Season One, a rare character who was queerer in the book than the show. Later seasons see our protagonist falling for a woman who has some lesbian besties. There are also some gay male characters. But this has become, for better or for worse, one of the best-known series in the genre, following Joe Goldberg, a bookstore manager who becomes obsessed with the women he loves, manipulating and stalking them into submission — and worse. The fifth and final season is currently in production.

‘Secrets Lurking Beneath Seemingly Idyllic Lives’ Thrillers

The Hunting Wives

Netflix // One Season (so far) // Based on The Hunting Wives by May Cobb

sophie and margo a tthe hunting range

Sophie O’Neill’s husband gets a job in East Texas and thus moves his wife and son there from Cambridge. Sophie quickly finds herself pulled deeply into the world of Margo Banks, the queen bee of a tight clique of gun-toting fancy Southern gals who are sugar and spice on the outside but often a little sexually deviant on the inside. Sophie and Margo’s relationship turns sexual pretty quickly, and then there is MURDER

Harlan Coben’s Shelter

Prime Video // One Season // Based on Shelter by Harlan Coben

Missy Pyle and Constance Zimmer sit next to each other on a roof.

I think I’ve watched every televised adaptation of this man’s work (The Stranger, Safe, Fool Me Once, Stay Close, etc), but can’t really remember a single minute of any of them — except this one because it was gay!

Mickey Bolter (Jaden Michael), a teen still recovering from his father’s sudden death, moves in with his aunt in his father’s hometown, and meets a mysterious old woman in a mysterious old house who said his dad isn’t dead. Then he gets a crush on a girl who disappears immediately. These confusing situations and many others in this seemingly picture-perfect town are ripe to be tackled by Mickey and his brand new friends, Spoon (Adrian Greensmith) and queer goth art girl Ema (Abby Corrigan). Honestly what made this series work for me is 90% that it’s really surprisingly gay (keep your eye on Constance Zimmer as Mickey’s aunt!!) and 10% the plot, which has its moments and also has its eye-rolls. Sadly it was cancelled after one season, as so many gay things are.

Apples Never Fall

Peacock // Limited Series // based on Apples Never Fall by Liane Moriarty

Apples Never Fall

Based on the book by Liane Moriarty (of Big Little Lies fame), Stan (Sam Neill) and Joy (Annette Benning) are tennis coaches who’ve sold their school and are prepping for a lovely retirement when Joy disappears, sending her family into TUMULT. All eyes are on Savannah (Georgia Flood), a domestic violence survivor who Joy and Stan had invited to live with them some months earlier who turned out to be full of secrets and lies. Savannah is queer, as is Joy’s youngest daughter, Brooke (Essie Randles), a physical therapist engaged to Gina Solis (Paula Andrea Placido). This show is by all accounts not great, but if you can move past that, it’ll eventually hook you!

The Last Thing He Told Me

Apple TV+ // Limited Series // based on The Last Thing He Told Me by Laura Dave

two women looking all mysterious and shit

Hannah’s (Jennifer Garner) husband disappears — right after his tech company falls under investigation for fraud — thus forcing Hannah to have to find a way to connect with her 16-year-old stepdaughter, Bailey, to figure out the truth about who he really was and where the hell he went. Aisha Tyler plays Hannah’s (lesbian) best friend, a San Francisco Chronicle sports journalist who wants to help her friend — she just has to figure out how to do that and her job.

The Better Sister

Prime Video // One Season

kim dickens better sister with the other officer

Chloe (Jessica Biel) has always been the “better sister,” but when her corporate lawyer husband Adam, is brutally murdered, the truth about her marriage, her son and her family — and her allegedly destructive sister, Nicky (Elizabeth Shue) — all unravels. Kim Dickens plays Detective Nancy Guidry, a lesbian and the lead investigator on Adam’s murder case, and her sexuality is directly addressed, frequently, kinda how it would be in real life!

Murder Mystery Psychological Thrillers

Past Lies

Hulu // One Season

Elena Anaya, left, and Itziar Atienza star in the Spanish drama “Past Lies.”Credit...Lluís Tudela/Hulu

Rita (Elena Anaya from Room in Rome) is a successful lesbian film director who returns to her hometown with her girlfriend to settle her mother’s estate, only to find herself there for an unexpected event: the remains of a high school classmate, who disappeared on their senior trip 25 years ago, turns up. Her high school friend group, still intact and in her hometown, are shaken, and old ghosts come rattling to the surface in more ways than one.

A Murder at the End of the World

Hulu // Limited Series

darby is concerned and has pink hair

Darby (non-binary actor Emma Corin) is a hacker, author and amateur detective invited to a mysterious and exclusive retreat hosted by a billionaire at an isolated Arctic compound in Iceland in this miniseries from Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij. She’s surprised to see a very close estranged friend at dinner on the first night, and even more surprised to when she finds him killed on their first night at the resort.

Teen Drama Psychological Thrillers

Dare Me

USA // One Season // Based on Dare Me by Megan Abbott

three cheerleaders on the field with their arms out. a still from "dare me"

This atmospheric mystery thriller based on the Megan Abbott novel finds a group of cheerleaders entangled in a dark web of lies and mysteries when new coach Colette French (Willa Fitzgerald) takes over the squad, coming between best friends Addy (Herizen F. Guardiola) and Beth (Marlo Kelly). After Addy and Beth catching Colette cheating on her husband with her ex, the dominoes begin to fall. Eventually there is in fact a murder! Kayla writes that Dare Me “dresses up its darkness with glitter, but that mask is very intentional, a piercing juxtaposition of the thrills and terror of high school sports.”

Cruel Summer Season One

Freeform // Anthology Series

cruel summer besties

You have to wait until the literal last episode of Season One to really get your gay payoff (and the link above has a gay spoiler in it so be careful!), but this teen thriller is pretty compelling without it. In 1993 in Skylin, Texas, the beautiful, popular Kate Wallis (Olivia Holt) disappears, and socially awkward Jeanette Turner (Chiara Aurelia) manages to take her place, even getting her boyfriend. In 1995, Jeanette is loathed nationwide after Kate is rescued and Jeanette accuses her of witnessing her abduction and failing to report it. A legal battle ensues but the spiral of secrets has only begun to unravel. Harley Quinn Smith plays queer character Mallory, one of Jeanette’s best friends who then becomes Kate’s best friend.

One of Us Is Lying

Peacock // Two Seasons // Based on the One of Us Is Lying series by Karen M. McManus

teens gathered in a classroom

Based on a buzzy YA thriller, a disparate group of students find themselves under suspicion after online gossip scourge Simon suddenly dies while they’re all in detention. Simon’s best friend, Janae Matthews, is the unlikely outsider who finds her way into this clique, and who comes into her own as queer and non-binary.

I Know What You Did Last Summer

Prime Video // One Season // Inspired by I Know What You Did Last Summer by Lois Duncan-Arquette

Lennon and Margot holding each other scared

This adaptation of the teen horror movie that was an adaptation of a novel rockets the story into present day Hawaii with the same basic conceit but an otherwise very different story. It’s difficult to describe what happens without giving you spoilers, but for our purposes here: there is a bisexual main character played by Brianne Tju and the lead has some …. bisexual qualities.

Comedy-Mystery-Thrillers

Bad Sisters

Apple TV+ // Two seasons

Bad Sisters all sitting at the table staring at the camera

Wry and warm and funny; this Irish series co-starring and co-created by Sharon Hogan finds four sisters trying desperately to kill John Paul, the insufferable, abusive husband of the fifth sister. Sarah Greene plays second-youngest sister Bibi Garvey, a married lesbian who lost her right eye in a car crash. Although we sadly didn’t write a standalone review of its first season, that was not for a lack of love: Bad Sisters easily made our list of the Best TV Shows of 2022, where it was described as a “MASTERPIECE in television.”

Imposters

Bravo // Two Seasons

Maddie (Inbar Lavi) is a con artist, part of a larger web of similar scammers, who works her way into the romantic lives of men and women before breaking their hearts and stealing all their valuables and money. Then three of her jilted paramours  — Ezra, Richie and Jules — find each other and want revenge. “Imposters is a show about love, sort of,” writes Natalie. “It’s about the different ways in which we fall in love and what that love says about us as individuals.”

The Other Black Girl

Hulu // One Season // Based on The Other Black Girl by Zakiya Dalila Harris

mailaka and nella giving each other a look on the

With the exception of the horror shows listed below, I mostly avoided shows with any supernatural elements for this list because that would be a whole entire other sort of list! But I made an exception for genre-blending satire / thriller / comedy The Other Black Girl. Nella, a young publishing assistant, is the only Black girl at her publishing office and is stoked when a second Black girl is hired. But her relationship with the new girl, while promising at first, eventually turns suspicious. As Nella digs deeper into her employer’s history with Black writers and employees, she discovers a web of sinister secrets. Nella’s queer best friend, Malaika, is the show’s unsung hero.

Baby Reindeer

Netflix // Limited Series

Two lovesr on a subway

It’s hard to put this show into any category, and psychological thriller is really only half the story, as is calling it a “comedy.”  Aspiring comic Donny Dunn works as a bartender at a pub where he meets Martha, a woman who immediately becomes obsessed with Donny and begins stalking and harassing him. Donny tells us his own story at his own pace, about the sexual abuse and shame around his bisexuality that drives his present despair and anguish. He also dates Teri, a trans woman played by trans actress Nava Mau. “We need more shows like Baby Reindeer,” wrote Drew. “Challenging work that leads with empathy and a commitment to the many contradictions of our world.

Psychological Horror-Thrillers

Dead Ringers

Prime Video // One Season

Rachel Weisz in a lab coat as Beverly Mantle looks at Rachel Weisz in a lab coat as Elliot Mantle. Or is it the other way around?

Rachel Weisz plays twin gynecologists seeking to revolutionize the way pregnancy and birth are handled in the medical world in “this bloody and horny psychosexual thriller full of body horror, mind games, and sci-fi-ish strangeness.” An adaptation of the 1988 David Cronenberg film, one of the twins is a lesbian, but the other has been known to seduce on her behalf.

Swarm

Prime Video // Limited Series

Dre, Rashida and Rashida's parents sit around the dinner table

Donald Glover’s horror series takes a stab at stan culture through unhinged protagonist Dre (Dominique Fishback) whose passion for Ni’Jah, a pop star with a fan club called “the swarm” drives her into making a series of bananas decisions such as “homicide.” Around mid-season she spends some time with a queer cult led by Billie Eilish.While her queerness is a bit apparent in the start, it’s not fully at the surface until the last episode, which also features a queer graduate student named Rashida (Kiersey Clemons).

Ratched

Netflix // One Season //

Sarah Paulson and Cynthia Nixon are 1940s style secret lesbian lovers in Ryan Murphy's new Netflix series "Ratched." Here they are on a date together at the movie theatre.

Sarah Paulson stars as the titular Nurse Ratched, the antagonist from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, in this thoroughly gay series that “takes the original film’s backdrop of queerness and splatters it on the screen in blood.” As Drew writes: “There is so much to chew on, so much to celebrate, so much to critique, and yet the whole thing feels so completely Ryan Murphy it’s hard not to just delight in its very existence.”

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3348 articles for us.

4 Comments

  1. Such good recommendations. I think I am the rare lesbian who really liked YOU……
    I’m a big fan of Bad Sisters as well. Hope to see more coverage of it.
    Thanks!

  3. Ooo definitely adding some of these to my to-watch list. Also re-reminder that gypsy exists and how utterly rivetting it was. Also throwing a bone to mare of easttown, which my partner and I devoured that I think also sort of fits the vibe of this list? Kate Winslet I think about your clearly bisexual swagger weekly

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