How to Have Lesbian Sex For the First Time

How do you have lesbian sex? We get asked this question all the time from lesbians of all ages who haven’t had lesbian sex and are worried they don’t know “how.” Well, listen: enjoying sex isn’t about memorizing 16 positions or knowing the best angle to fuck from, enjoying lesbian sex is half-animal half-heart and only rarely has it got anything to do with your rational brain, or cognitive reasoning, or anything a person could tell you or anything you could read on the internet.

And while it’s true that one day you’ll be more confident and experienced than you are now, it’s also true that your body was born knowing how to have sex like it was born knowing how to eat. Your first time doesn’t have to be a big deal, some of us don’t even remember our first times. Alternately, if you want it to be a big deal, it can be. But ultimately every partner is different — totally, completely, entirely different — from the next. So what could we tell you, really?

However — at the same time, many of us recall a period of time when lesbian sex felt like fumbling, or improv, trying to play a sport we didn’t understand, like badminton. Or a sport everyone thought we should be good at but we weren’t. Meanwhile, others recall hopping into bed and instinctually knowing what to do from the moment of entry. Many of us had sex with boys in our teens and didn’t bang a lady ’til our mid-to-late-twenties, and felt like rookies all over again. So we can understand how you might feel a little better knowing a little something before you take the plunge.

Women’s sexuality, let alone queer sexuality, is usually ignored by sex ed programs. And while many heteros learn about sex together in their early teens, many lesbians don’t start that early and/or aren’t peer socialized into the sexual universe like straights are, not to mention that our entire media culture is structured around and obsessed with heterosexual sex.

So we’re gonna go back to basics. However, as we write this post, we are slightly concerned that we have no fucking idea what we’re talking about. We hope to open a dialogue for commenters to share their own stories and experiences and for everyone to ask questions!

Disclaimer: This post (originally written in 2010 and largely unaltered from that time) focuses on lesbian sex between cisgender women, although is also largely applicable to sex between any two people with vulvas, and full of great advice for anybody having sex with someone who has a vulva. The language in this post, unlike the majority of our sex content, reflects that largely for SEO purposes. However, trans women are women and most certainly have lesbian sex, and you can read some of our many tips on that in these posts: How To Have Lesbian Sex With A Trans WomanF*cking Trans Women and Harnesses for Trans Women.

Pre-Game Your Lesbian Sex

muscular woman stretching, wearing black workout gear and a watch in front of a red background+


If you have a vulva and you wanna know how to make a person with a vulva feel good, you have the advantage of using yourself for a test subject — not that what pleases you will please your partner, but it’s a start. Probably you and your showerhead have been aware of this since childhood, but if you’re new to masturbation or new to orgasming, here’s how to masturbate like a champ. While you’re at it, here’s how to buy a vibrator.

Being an experienced masturbator will help you be a successful lover more than anything else you could ever do, ever. Not only will you know how your partner can please you, but you’ll have some idea of how to please them.

Bonus: Touching yourself with your jeans and underwear on (you can unzip your jeans, but don’t pull them down) might be very good practice for your date to Twilight Total Eclipse Of the Sun.

Note: When you’re aroused, you might feel warm or flushed. Your nipples will get erect, your clit and vulva will swell due to increased blood supply. Inside your body, the top of the vagina will expand.

Also: Check out your insides. The outside of everybody’s vulva is a brand new continent, but the insides are reasonably similar to one another, so it’s a solid sneak preview if you have one.


still from "The L Word" of women looking at their vaginas in a mirror

If you’ve got one, look at your vadge in the mirror. I know you’re going to read this and think “OH MY GOD I WOULD NEVER” and not do it. Get over yourself. Stick a fucking mirror between your legs and check out your shit!

Understand Your Vaginal Situation, If You Have One

First things first: people often use the term “vagina” when talking about the female genital region, which actually isn’t correct. The right term for your external genital region is “vulva.” The vagina is inside of you, connecting the vulva to the cervix. Here’s a great article from Teen Vogue that gets into all the details about anatomy.

Now that you’re sitting here with your mirror, let’s go over the anatomy of a cisgender woman’s vulva.

Clitoris: Your clit is made up of the glans/head (the most sensitive part with 6,000-8,000 nerve endings), the hood (which drapes over the glans) and the shaft (which is on average 1.9 cm in length). Some clits are larger than others, and almost all women can orgasm from clitoral stimulation.

Labia Majora: Them be your “pussy lips.” Then, the labia minora are the asymmetrical delicate folds of softy spongy erecticle tissue within the labia majora. Some labia minoras extend past the majoras and some are tucked away inside. The length/shape of labia minora/majoras is the first place where you’ll notice that every woman’s vagina looks different than another’s.

Vagina: Your vaginal entrance is below your clit and urethral opening (aka where the pee comes out). Vaginal tissue is elastic, you may have heard that babies come out of it and fists can go into it. Most of the nerve endings are in the outer third of the vagina (in other words: don’t worry about having small hands, it’s nbd).

so many different vulvas featured in this vagina art by jamie mccatney

G-Spot: Put a finger in your vagina. Now make a “come hither” motion towards the front wall of your vagina. Do you feel that spot with a texture unlike everything else’s texture? It’s a sponge about the size of a bean that fills with blood during arousal, directly in front of your uterus. Some women find g-spot stimulation too intense, some hate it, some like it, some can orgasm from it, and some can female ejaculate from it.

Perineum: The flat area between the pudendal cleft and the anus. Some women find this area sexually sensitive. Slangily referred to as “the taint” ’cause it ain’t the genitals and it ain’t the asshole.

Grooming for Lesbian Sex

Hair: You can do literally anything you want with your hair, although removing it entirely makes you vulnerable to infections and it can be very itchy! Here’s some statistics on your hair removal habits.

Pointers if you are gonna remove some hair:

  • If you have the money and the time, laser hair removal is the best way to get rid of your hair in that area for the long-term. It’s generally said that laser hair removal works better on lighter skin tones, but luckily that is changing.
  • For most of us, waxing is the best/cheapest way to “clean up” without ingrowns. Depending on your skin tone and sensitivity, waxing may turn your skin a lovely shade of crimson for a day, so schedule appropriately. We highly recommend getting it done by a professional, but if you wanna DIY, Sally Hansen’s are cheap and easy for beginners and so is this kit from Flamingo.
  • If you’re shaving, you could get mad serious razor burn which sometimes looks like a lot of red bumps all around your area. Bikini Zone will help you with this.
  • If you shave a day or two before hooking up, anyone who goes down on you will feel like they are sticking their face into a sheet of sandpaper.

Hands: Make sure your nails are as short as possible and smoothly filed. If you do have long nails or acrylics, here’s how to have sex safely without sacrificing them. Keeping your hands mega-extra-super-duper-clean is key. Play it extra-safe by employing some handy latex or nitrile gloves.

Vadge: You guys, your vagina smells perfect just the way it is! Do not douche or otherwise attempt to infuse your vagina with fields of marigolds. It will have a stronger smell if you haven’t showered or have gotten really sweaty, and that’s fine. (Sidenote: the lingering smell of her on your fingertips = magic). However, if your vagina smells so pungently fishy that your partner can smell it in your pants from across the room, you might have BV and should go see a gynecologist.

Doing The Lesbian Sex

To be honest, we kinda don’t want you to read this. We want you to have to figure it out for yourself, like we did! You guys, it’s so fun and you get to be naked or half-naked with another lady! Right?! Sex will be the best when you stop thinking and let your body think for you!

There are also at least 1,000 sex tips we could give you for the rest of your sex life, but today we’re gonna stay very simple and vanilla.


lesbian couple looking at each other

Just ’cause you’re both ladies doesn’t mean what feels good to you will feel good to her. Both of you can indicate what’s working and what isn’t through words, noises, or physical response. Don’t be embarrassed to ask questions or volunteer what you like. It’s like the Hot/Cold game, but naked and more slippery! Saying “what do you like” is totally a thing we do. So is laughing. We recommend lots of laughing.

Lesbian Sex Foreplay

There are a lot of things happening in the torso region for both of you to explore, like BREASTS and ears, and playing with those body parts is fun AND a good way to get lubed up before any kind of direct vaginal contact occurs (if that’s what you want). Some people can orgasm from stimulation of other body parts besides the vadge, too. (If it’s your or your partner’s first time being penetrated, don’t go for the Frankie-style jackhammer fuck within five minutes of your first tongue kiss, ease into that shit!)

Manual Clitoral Stimulation

This is a good place to begin. Fairly self-explanatory. Again, some people will want your hand to become a vibrator and some will only want to be touched with extreme delicacy. Find out by asking!

Oral Sex

Oral sex is so awesome that it almost feels like cheating. Like were mouths made to go there, or is that something humanity figured out on its own? Per always, err on the side of sensitive. This will either be “teasing” or “how she likes it,” depending on the lady. This can also be paired with fucking/g-spot stimulation, but we’re starting simple today, so, again, enjoy yourself. Sometimes if you have body image issues, being eaten out can make you feel really exposed. So close your eyes, everything is okay. And don’t forget to practice safer sex with dental dams.


When in doubt, start slow/soft/delicate and build up to as fast/hard as she wants it. Make sure she’s wet before attempting penetration — lube is a great way to do this. Then:

+ Start with your index finger in just a little bit, and then all the way in and then bring in a second finger if she wants. (Then a third if she wants, etc etc) Don’t go too fast, give her time to respond.

+ Pay attention to where your other fingers are! If you’ve got your index/middle fingers inside her, is your thumbnail digging into her inner thigh? Check your shit.

+ Some women don’t want to be penetrated for various reasons, including discomfort, gender identity or gender expression, and/or a preference for a particular sexual role (as in “I fuck you, you don’t fuck me.”) If that’s you and your partner gets in that area, politely move her hand and tell her where you do want to be touched (or that you’d rather touch her).


Now, sticking your hand down her pants and up her canal might be your first instinct, or maybe it’s what you’ve seen on The L Word, but that is only one of many magical ways girls fuck other girls. You will discover 365 ways to basically dry hump (you can keep your underwear on for this, it can be easier, but please do take off your shirt, because that’s more fun). You can basically rub up on any part of her body or rub vadge-to-vadge pretty much for the rest of your life.

More Resources For Great Lesbian Sex:

The More You Know

  •  DO NOT DO NOT compare body parts. Compliments are great! But resist the urge to add an assessment of your own parts onto your compliment regarding her parts. ‘Your [part] is so much more [way of being] than mine! Waaah.’ = NO.
  • If you’re dealing with non-gender-conforming folks then it’s best to ask before hooking up what’s okay and what isn’t. Same for dealing with gender conforming folks!
  • You have a right to feel safe and comfortable, which means that consent is key and so is safer sex — please get a check-up and talk to your partner about any STIs you or she may have before jumping into bed.
  • Whether you’re 16 or 36, you’re NOT “BEHIND.” Because of the patriarchy, it’ll take you about 15 seconds to find information regarding the average age at which heterosexual women and men lose their V-Cards (16-17), but no such research exists for lesbians as far as we can tell. So we’ve done a casual survey of Team Autostraddle, which is a poor sample population because we’re all under 35 and obviously “out” enough to be on Team Autostraddle so, we imagine, probably more sexually experienced than the average lesbian bear. Regardless, by age and year of “virginity loss”:

Among our totally non-representative sample size of queer women, the average age for “our first time” is 19.4.

Relevant Lists

Body Parts that could be erogenous OR no-fly zones:

+ ears
+ neck
+ nipples
+ inner thighs
+ feet
+ hands
+ ass
+ small of the back

Some People Do and Some People Don’t:

+ want to be penetrated
+ orgasm from penetration
+ ejaculate
+ incorporate sex toys into sex
+ enjoy g-spot stimulation
+ require manual clitorial stimulation to orgasm
+ prefer clitorial stimulation AND vaginal penetration to orgasm
+ enjoy anal penetration or butt plugs or eating ass
+ use strap-ons
+ orgasm at all
+ identify as “stone”
+ fantasize during sex
+ identify as either a “bottom” or a “top
+ identify as either “butch” or “femme”
+ want to be naked during sex
+ want the lights on during sex
+ like it rough
+ have an STI
+ wanna scissor

Things That Could Happen Your First Time And Are Totally Fine:

+ Ejaculating and literally soaking your entire bed (it’s not urine, we promise) (also, it’s awesome)
+ Farting or queefing
+ Accidentally cutting/lacerating the vagina (this happens to old pros, too) (ahem)
+ Not orgasming
+ Not being wet
+ Getting injured
+ Tensing up while pentrated
+ Bleeding
+ Bleeding from hymen-breakage
+ Post-sex UTIs or yeast infections
+ Taking 30+ minutes to orgasm
+ Your arm getting tired
+ Crying
+ Laughing
+ Feelings
+ No feelings
+ Not feeling like the whole world changed
+ Feeling like the whole world changed
+ Feeling like you’re on a whole new level of intimacy with your partner
+ Not enjoying it

Try not to be too goal-oriented. Lots of people don’t come the first time — many people don’t come regularly during sex at all! If neither of you do, there’s gonna be a moment when you feel like you’re done anyhow, like the encounter is over, and that might feel weird, but it’s not weird, it happens. Stop when you’d stop any physically tiring activity — when you don’t feel like it anymore. Just laugh and maybe stay naked and kiss and talk. Cuddle! Lesbians love to cuddle. Or ask her to show you how she gets herself off and vice versa — mutual masturbation is a good backup plan for when you both want to come but can’t seem to get it this time. Plus it’s hot to watch and see what she does to herself!

the afterglow



+ The Lesbian Sex Bible: More techniques and advice for lesbian, bisexual and queer women that approaches the topic with humor and irreverence.

+ Susie Sexpert’s Lesbian Sex World: The cover of this book is so weird and 90s, but you can download it for $2.99 from Amazon and it’s — it’s just FUN. It’s super sex-positive and deserves to become a cult classic of the lesbian book world starting now.

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us, by Felice Newman: The classic. Buy it, learn it, live it, love it.

Lesbian Sex: 101 Lovemaking Positions: I bet you don’t know anything about the Joyride, Tongue and Groove, Toast Her, Gilding the Lily, Peach Gobbler, Hanky Spanky, Girl Wrap or Velvet Rope, do ya? Well you could change that.

Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation: From sex blogger and masturbation expert Jayme Waxman.

+ Our Bodies, Ourselves: A New Edition for a New Era: Get in touch with your womynhood.

The New Lesbian Sex Book, 3rd Edition: Interviews with REAL LIVE LESBIANS about their sex lives, has the impact of reminding you that there’s a lot of lesbians out there having sex and it’s not just you and your partner(s) in your teeny tiny village by the sea.

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma: “The first encouraging, sex-positive guide for all women survivors of sexual assault — heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian, coupled, and single — who want to reclaim their sex lives.”


+  Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross: “Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross are two intergenerational sex positive feminists whose dialogue on sexuality and feminism entertains and educates while delving into the Politics of Women’s Sexuality.” Includes a library of “how-to” videos for various sexual acts, including “first-time lesbian sex.”

+ The-Clitoris Dot Com: “Everything you ever wanted to know about the clitoris and female sexuality.”

+ Comprehensive online library of sexuality resources from the Society for Human Sexuality.

Oh and:

Dental Dams and Latex or Nitrile Gloves and Lubricant

Okay, time to yell/ask/share in the comments! Go have fun, you crazy beavers!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

the team

auto has written 722 articles for us.


  1. Umm, could this have been posted three weeks ago? Maybe then I would not have a ) uttered the statement “I think we just had sex…right?” or b ) lay there in horrified silence due to the loud unmistakably fart-like sound that erupted from in between our bodies during the act.

    Such was my first time. You’re welcome for the visual.

    • I feel really, really bad that I’m sitting in bed HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING at this.

      I extend you a warm hug. Practice makes perfect. Keep at it.

      • Is it bad I’m in the library and I laughed at that (luckily my friends are around, so no-one’s offended) :D

        And yeah, practice does make perfect.

        • Hah it’s okay, my girlfriend and I found it all equally funny. And do not fear, for we have been practicing diligently :P

      • Absolutely, practice makes perfect! Keep practicing and you will feel SO much better about it!

    • OMG…bodies making fart noises when sweaty and rubbed together is NO BIG DEAL…this happens all the time, and usually everyone ends up laughing like 12-year old boys becuase of it.

    • In reply to Krissy:

      “I think we just had sex….right?” is a statement uttered by many women, even those who we would imagine would be experts on the subject. The fact is, “sex” is very hard to define. Even between heterosexual couples, there are acts which some consider sex and others don’t. If you really think about, the discourse we have developed around sex and virginity is pretty heterosexist! In my philosophy and sexuality class, we read an article called “Are We Having Sex Now, or What?” it was by a woman named Greta Christina and featured in the book “The Philosophy of Sex: Contemporary Readings” edited by Alan Soble and Nicholas Power. She really pushes the boundaries of how we define sex, making and then erasing one checklist after the other.

      I know for me personally the “Is it sex?” flowchart was more than just entertaining- it was a springboard for philosophical and personal pondering! It was cool to see it after reading her article, it could have belonged in there. She talks about the psychical characteristics for an act to be described as sex, but also ventures into more interpersonal, non-psychical characteristics. For example, reciprocity, consent, mutual pursuit of pleasure, etc (Soble, Power 27). She even asks the question, if you both think of it as sex at the time, then is it sex?

      Really enjoyed this article- especially the flowchart!

    • It’s great when you can laugh at it. Recently got into a new relationship and while making out we made a loud gross snort/grunt noise. We stopped for a moment looked at each and then both nearly wet ourselves laughing going ‘thank god you found it funny too’. It’s more fun when you can laugh at yourselves.

    • I been reading comments and just beginning my journey. I have never been with a woman but have been drawn this direction for quite some time. How do you begin and safely meet a woman to begin a relationship with? I am excited to learn…hope someone has some helpful suggestions!

      • I am in your position exactly right now (no pun intended)…I have no idea where to start but I know that this is something that I want, and not just a faze.

        • All I’d say is just be patient honestly, the right girl will appear at some point. It’s taken me 2 years! The only problem is sometimes it’s hard to know if someone else is interested in girls too and similarly, people may not guess you’d be interested either. With subtle hints I’m sure you’ll get there :) All I’ll say is there are more people that are interested than you could ever imagine, just keep looking :P

        • At 25 I gave up on just waiting for love to come along and knock on my door and started online dating. Some tips for that:
          -Lesbian only sites lead me nowhere. Collectively, we’re cowards, with no one wanting to make the first move.
          -If someone hits on you, and you reply encouragingly, chances are, they’re not going to continue the conversation. Don’t be discouraged; it probably has nothing to do with you.
          -Make the first move! You’ve both been conditioned to wait for someone to approach you. One of you has to get over it, and it might as well be you.
          -Cute, corny, honest, to-the-point – all of these can be good lines. “Breaking the ice is hard, so here goes.” – that’s a cop-out. Put some effort into it; she’ll appreciate it.
          -There are some pretty bad dates out there. If you hit a few, don’t be discouraged. Dating is universally better than not dating, because at least you’ve got potential.

          After a while, I did find a beautiful, sexy, sensitive, caring lady online, and we are blissfully happy right now. It can work, if you give it some effort.

  2. Okay, so some friends and I were talking the other day– do people actually use dental dams/other queer lady safe-sex stuff? Of the 6-8 of us talking about it none of us had, nor had we ever really talked about using them before.

    I feel like it’s something that should become normalized, for our safety…but they’re just so damn awkward seeming (“seeming” because I’ve never used one).

    • Honestly, I think there needs to be product development in this area– because the slightly crunchy sound of latex gloves on my tiny hands just sounds like the doctor (not sexy to me) and it’s impossible to feel anything! I have not actually tried a dental dam (going down on a lady I don’t know the sexual history/sti status of freaks me out) but I feel like those could also use work.

      • I know this sounds stupid, but you can pre-lube the inside of the glove to reduce the noise of it going on. make sure your lube is safe for use with latex. and there are different thicknesses of gloves that you can get – make sure they’re thin but still within safety limits, so you can feel things.

        • That is an excellent point about straights now wearing gloves. Up until very recently, I had only slept with men and they never used a glove to manually stimulate me. That said, if we were doing anal stimulation, we always wore a glove and used a condom, even if monogamous.

          Truthfully, I never thought about the philosophical “did we have sex?” thing. All I know is, we were naked and had a damn good time! Turns out all those years of masturbation and telling men what I did like orally paid off when it was time for me to put things into practice. Yes, she DID correct me on a few things but seemed to think I did a nice job.

          I thought I would hate men after this but, I don’t. Yes, I am (a dreaded) bisexual. It is my understanding that lesbian women won’t ever trust me and straight men will now think I am a sideshow. I have no plans to have a threesome involving a man as, this is another part of who I am that does not need to be shared with them. At least at this stage.

          For the record, I am 39.

    • Regarding latex barriers… what you can do, if you expect sexytimes to occur, is take a condom or two (one that has been pre-lubed is nice in that it keeps things moist) and cut it lengthwise up the side and then place it in a snack-sized ziploc baggy and put it in your pocket (if you’re going out) or near the bed or couch (if you’re staying in). Then when sexytimes arrive, you will have your latex barrier at hand, and can place it over her vadge before you get down to business. It really is thin enough that you can feel everything and so can she, and the lube is nice for making things extra slippy. Plus this is a LOT cheaper and sexier than a dental dam, which from my very limited experience with them are slightly thicker and colored so it looks like you’re tonguing a balloon and it’s really weird and not sexy. The condom is clingy and moist and feels kind of keen against your clit, and its a big turn on for me. And rubber gloves can go in that little baggy too, but take one of those tiny tubes of lube that they hand out all over the place at Pride and put it with so you can lube up the glove, which then feels really cool going in.

      Latex can be really fun, kids, plus you look like you have mad swag if you’re all like “I got this” and you’re prepared and shit when things go down, like the bad ass girl scout that you are.

    • My partner and I use dental dams every time! I have to disagree about the cut-up condoms. They’re super tiny (as in, “oops, did the latex slip and now we’re exchanging fluids? Fuck.”) and taste AWFUL. Dental dams cover up everything you could ever hope and I think they taste better (mint ftw). You can totes lube them up sufficiently like a condom as well.

      I 1000000% recommend using SOMETHING though. Unprotected oral sex isn’t sexy, ladies.

      • Maybe I needed to try different dental dams. but I’ve been married for 7 years now, so we’re pretty much beyond needing them anymore. They do add something to the experience rather than detracting, though.

      • Three things:

        1) Pussy isn’t supposed to taste like mint…in my experience. I’m not sure how I would feel about non-pussy flavored pussy. I would think it an odd experience.

        2) Communication about histories before sexyfun very important too, even as we talk of physical protection– knowledge of recent testing and stuff is a must in my book, before I go farther than making out, generally.

        3) My lady-doctor suggested saran wrap with lube on the pussy side– does anyone have thoughts on/experience with that?

        • Look aroound for info on Saran Wrap, because I think the composition of it has changed and it’s no longer considered an effective barrier.

        • 3. As long as it’s not microwave-friendly, you’re good to go. Microwave-friendly saran wrap has pores in it for breathing/releasing air during microwaving. Saran wrap that is not microwave friendly does not have this :)

        • My gf used to use saran wrap while in a “hook-up sex with random people from the bar” phase of her life. She said it worked fine and like that you could make it any size she wanted

          • How can you tell how fine it works?

            “I happened not to get an STI while using it” certainly doesn’t cut it, and something that doesn’t let fluids through is not necessarily going to not let microorganisms through.

      • Also, I used bigger condoms and they seemed to cover fine – and you can find flavored ones that are meant for oral, which taste great. I wasn’t bothered by the taste of generic ones, though.

        • STOP!!! DO NOT use flavored condoms anywhere near your ladyparts… sugar in flavoring –> yeast infections and all sorts of nasty stuff. they’re meant for non-vagina oral sex only for a reason!

          • Well yikes!. And oops… I wonder how many women I owe an apology to for that mistake. I don’t remember reading that on the instructions or anything. :(

    • Also, if you’re wondering where to get dental dams – Planned Parenthood might have them for sale. I know they had them for sale at our local location when I used to go in to get tested for STDs.

    • I agree with you in that from conversations with queer womyn this is the case.

  3. So um, I’m going on my first lady-date next week and I’m expecting that we’ll maybe hook up at some point after that if all goes well and I have a few things.

    1. I have never had an orgasm. Not from my hands, not from my vibrator, not from my ex-boyfriends’ hands or mouth. What do I dooooo?

    2. I’ve given oral sex to a person with a penis and I was wondering if anyone knows if any of those skills will be applicable to vaginas?

    3. I’d been getting finger-fucked for months by my ex-boyfriend but then the last time it happened I bled (which had never happened before)… could it have been my hymen? Or did my liking for rough sex injure me?

    • yay have fun on your lady-date!

      2. the ‘no teeth’ thing still applies (at least generally speaking)! but instead of pretending that you’re eating a popsicle, pretend you’re eating a melty ice cream cone. also circular breathing.
      also one time someone said “we use our noses, too” so i want you to think about that.

    • also, re:2 – you can apply blow job skills to sucking on her fingers as she fucks you or you fuck her or just for fun while making out, as foreplay, etc.

    • re: #1
      I’ve also never had an orgasm, and I can’t say I’ve never tried. Not to be discouraging, but I think maybe some people just don’t orgasm?
      I think it’s important to remember that orgasms are not the only point of sex! And to not let wanting an orgasm get in the way of having good/great/amazing sex.
      I could give you a longer explanation of my feelings about this, but I need to go to bed.
      Good luck on your lady date!

        • You are so cute. Your lady-date is lucky. I have a lady-date Thursday (not my first) but I am still quite excited.

      • i know you probs will totally not believe me, because that’s almost part of feeling how you feel, but for real honestly the orgasm thing is something that will change as you get older

        • I’m not the lady you originally replied to, but I can (unfortunately) say that I’m in the same boat and at 28 starting to feel my non-orgasms are running out of excuses.

    • It took me years to orgasm….and I still haven’t been able to get off from someone else’s touch/a mouth/showerhead/anything not my finger. I think it’s pretty individualized but I wouldn’t worry about it. Sex can be super enjoyable even if the orgasm part doesn’t come right away.

      • Same. I’m the only person who can make me orgasm. It’s upset a lot of my partners, but I’ve come to terms and am pretty OK with it.

        • Hey Lenni. I have a problem. I can’t find a
          hot lesbian to have sex with. You’re hot.
          Are you willing to experiment with me. Let
          Me know. ;)
          XOXO me

    • Re: #3 — I think this just happens sometimes for the vagina’s own mysterious reasons; I know it’s happened to me every so often after rougher sex, despite the absence of pain or any other ill effects. If everything else seems good, I think it’s probably nothing to worry about.

  4. “…dental dam tip that Midori shared during her “How to Eat a Peach” workshop a couple of weeks ago…Midori whipped out a garter belt that she had rigged to hold a dental dam in place by attaching one of each of the four garters to the four corners of the dental dam. Just step into it like underwear, and you’re good to go…Some people also like to use cut-open latex gloves for safer oral sex instead of dental dams. After slicing open the glove and spreading it apart, you can stick your tongue in the thumb of the glove, which might allow you to be a little more dexterous with your licking and sucking than might a flat piece of latex.”

  5. So, uh. I’m stuck on the pre-game section. I’ve tried every masturbation “guide” there is and touching ‘down there’ has pretty much the same effect as touching my cheek – none. Is there some kind of magic solution for that? It’d be nice.

    • Vibrator? You can get a starter one for pretty cheap. (The internet works great if you don’t know where to find a sex shop locally)

    • Is this a problem with arousal or lack of sensitivity? Vibrators are a good start, yes. Also, try putting some lube on your fingers (and definitely on any toy you use) before touching yourself…it feels really good, and will give you an idea of what it feels like to touch another woman who is aroused. Also, watch porn. I recommend crashpadseries dot com.

    • Do you get turned on by watching porn? Reading erotica? I think the thing is that when you’re brand new at it, you’re thinking “Okay, I guess I just touch around down there and something is supposed to happen.” But then nothing happens because your mind isn’t really in it, if that makes sense. So try getting yourself a little turned on by reading/watching something, THEN touch, and THEN it should feel good.

      Worked for me, anyway. It felt about as interesting as touching my cheek the first few times, too. :)

    • Think about something that really turns you on and then just rub down there. It worked for me when I was 15. I was thinking about Britney Spears. Then randomly, this weird amazing feeling just rushed over me. Apparently I had my first orgasm. I wasn’t sure that’s what it was or what I did to make it happen, but it was awesome. Just get turned on and rub around wherever it feels good. It’s not rocket science. Watch porn if you need to. Try Sapphic Erotica.

    • I had that problem too. I was really freaked out that nothing would happen the first time I had sex with a girl b/c nothing happen when I touched myself. It turned out not to be true for me. I still feel absolutely nothing when I touch myself (although vibrators do work) but have no problem coming when someone else fingers are down there…. Don’t stress too much! It’s supposed to be fun and worrying tends to take the fun out of it!!!

  6. The G-spot is bean sized. I call it the jumping bean. I used to call it the Mexican jumping bean but that just seems racist.

    Does anyone even remember those beans? Or just me?

  7. My initial reaction to this was “YESSSS AUTOSTRADDLE LOVES ME!!!”

    I only had my first real live meaningful lady crush about a year ago and I’ve been on a handful of lady dates but have yet to have any lady sex and I feel so much better now. THANKS AUTOSTRADDLE! :D

  8. You know trans* women are women too right? Really wish this was more inclusive, or you just posted this as cis-only material.

    • “Now that you’re sitting here with your mirror, let’s go over the anatomy of a cisgender woman’s vadgespace. “

    • I don’t mean to be dismissive, and I know that we could always do more to be trans-inclusive, but I really think Autostraddle, more than pretty much every other lesbian site, puts in genuine effort in being sensitive to and inclusive of trans* women/men.

      • This is all true, and I liked the article, and I noticed and appreciated the effort to be inclusive even if it wasn’t perfect.

        While “You wanna know how to make a girl feel good? Good news! YOU’RE A GIRL.” may seem inclusive, and is probably intended to be. But in the context of masturbation it also erases the problems many trans* women may experience (given this article is explicitly aimed at women), while still being good general advice.

        As a trans woman I feel included within this space, far more so than many other sites aimed at Queer women. I obviously do not expect every article to address trans persons; there’s nothing wrong with that. But well meaning or not, I tend to agree that it would have been better if the article set out that it was dealing with cis women’s bodies from the start, rather than “Lesbian Sex”. As it was, it effectively conflated the two to an extent.

        It would have been a small but important alteration and, perhaps counterintuitively to some, it’s actually the more inclusive thing to do. And I would still have read and enjoyed the article. I have every confidance that Autostraddle would probably like to do a sex article about trans and intersex bodies as well, but I recognise it’s not as easy.

    • good point unicorn. i think to write a good ‘first time’ article that’s more inclusive of transwomen, they would need a lot of research and input from several transwomen. but probably the main theme, kind of like with this article, would be COMMUNICATION IS KEY!

    • Autostraddle went out of there way to acknowledge that some of the stuff applied specifically to cis women only and mentioned it as such. Also, the article went out of its way to explain that those with different gender expressions may have limits on what they want touched or done to them and those people should be asked. If you want an article for transwoman, then ask for an article for transwoman, but this was pretty darn inclusive while still being broad enough to cover the average lesbian, which is the target readership here. /facepalm

      • I’m pretty sure everyone here has experienced the dissapointment of feeling left out, like they don’t belong bc of their gender identity/expression or sexual orientation. I know I feel like that at some point probably every day. yes, autostraddle always tries to be inclusive of all women. for the record, AS is my favorite thing on the internet, maybe in the whole universe. that said, I see nothing wrong with respectfully expressing when you think something ought to be more inclusive. It would be a shame if anyone here felt afraid to comment out of fear of appearing overly sensitive or demanding.

        • It seems like on literally every article, someone is complaining that the article isn’t inclusive enough to polyamory or trans* folks or something else. And it’s like, Autostraddle is probably the most inclusive website I’ve read that still generally focuses on the broad, mainstream audience of cisfemale lesbians who tend to have monogamous relationships, who make up the vast majority of their readership. Sometimes I think people want this website to be something else completely, and it’s a little annoying, especially since Unicorn’s tone came off sarcastic and snarky to me. However, I hope my tone didn’t come off too strongly. I didn’t intend to be a dick, just point out what I thought was obvious. C’est la vie. :)

    • First grammer note. It is trans woman/man or cis woman/man I have no idea why people write “transwoman.” Trans is an adjective that is modifying the noun woman. Like white woman, blind woman and gay woman.

      Ok as a queer trans woman I would love to see a feature on trans lady sex here. Specifically, those who have not had GRS. It is always frustrating when I am about to have sex with a cis lady, because I am usually the first trans woman they have been with. This leads to me having to teach them about what feels goods and what makes me dysphoric. Having more awareness of trans womens’ sexuality within the queer womens community would make sex a lot easier.

      • I was semi-drunk when I typed that. I also am confused why I kept saying “woman” instead of “women.” But noted, thanks for the grammar note.

      • I don’t mean to be offensive, but it doesn’t seem fair to correct someone’s grammar incorrectly. Both trans and cis are in fact Latin prefixes, not adjectives. I understand certain word usage can be hurtful or disrespectful, especially for underrepresented groups like transgendered people, but you can’t change language without warning and expect everyone to abide.

        • Well actually, trans and cis are shortened versions of trans/cisgender and/or trans/cissexual, which are adjectives.

          Using trans and cis as a prefix, the meaning becomes “across woman” and “on the same side woman.”

          Either way, having one word, “transwoman” implies something different from a woman. It isn’t so much the grammer that is bothersome, it is the othering of trans folks that is problematic.

          • Do you honestly think that a space or lack thereof in a word implies bigotry or “othering” in some way? I swear to god… /facepalm x2

          • Yes. It is a big deal. Check your privilege and stop making trans* folk feel shitty for wanting to identify the way THEY want to identify.

          • Dude, I’m happy to oblige and add a space and I appreciate the explanation as to why the space is relevant. But I kind of felt like I was being told I was intentionally “othering” someone. I didn’t know “othering” was a word, but damn it, I don’t want to “other” anybody! Not every offensive or incorrect grammar usage is intentional, that was my only point. I don’t care how anyone identifies and I’ll try to use the words correctly! Thanks!

        • It’s actually pretty well known in social justice circles that you don’t write transwomen/transmen, you write trans women and trans men.

      • let me get this straight — you want one of the cisgender lesbians who wrote this article to go track down a trans woman, ask her whether or not she’s had GRS and then tell her they’d like her to please write an article telling the entire internet how she has sex?

        From Trans Etiquette 101:

        2. Avoid private and personal questions. Even a so-called open book like me doesn’t want to discuss my sex life with most anyone. If you really want to know about trans men and sex, ask in general terms – i.e. “Are many trans men ‘stone butch’ in bed?” vs. “Are you stone butch in bed?” BIG difference.


        8. Request specific permission to ask questions relating to genitalia, even if you’ve already received general permission to ask other personal questions. “Are you comfortable discussing your genitalia?” Chances are they aren’t. After all, do you want to talk about yours? But some people are and I acknowledge that there is definitely education needed on the topic so I am not opposed entirely to asking questions, as long as you get extra permission first.

        just saying… i feel like the practicalities of inclusion aren’t considered when ppl criticize a website for not being inclusive.

        anyhow, i agree with mlm and mary.

        • Umm, That is not what I meant. I am not neuro typical, so things that seem right in my head don’t translate quite perfectly. To try again, I think this article is great, but I wish one of the posters would make a call for queer trans womens’ stories about sex. I’d love to write something in, but I don’t feel confident in my writing to submit a whole post that touches on the issue.

          As for trans women and GRS, sex is a lot different if you are pre-op or non-op vs. post-op (I know those terms aren’t the best, but I don’t know how else to say it). It is even different for those who are taking hormones vs those who aren’t.

          Does that make more sense?

        • There’s a difference between making an effort to be inclusive and offending trans folk. Pretty sure that’s covered in your first Trans Etiquette you provided. All it takes is a little research.

      • Would it be acceptable and non-offensive to write trans (wo)man? Or does it, like so many things, depend specifically on individuals? When generalizing other terms that’s my preferred shorthand, but I don’t want to offend anyone.

    • Well if you don’t have a vagina, it doesn’t concern you. Sexuality with a penis is not the same. So if you are not operated, i suggest you find a post on trans’ sexuality instead of taking the time to write such a meaningless comment. It’s like beeing on a mac post and saying : You know windows is a system too or you think mac is the only one. Irrelevent. Btw, i’m trans too. Good luck. Great post btw.

  9. Aren’tsome women sensitive to latex? And shouldn’t ‘we’ avoid latex, so that well they don’t end up stiff? I recall a while back I odered up a box of blue nitrile gloves, 100 each. These are supposed to be stronger thinner, and better in every way (at least for the latex sensitive among us.) Any thing you can do with latex, you ought to be able to do with nitrile.

    Plus they let you imitate being bad guys from Serenity (two by two, hands of blue), right?

    OH, and tell me you have a way to contact that girl with the wonderful tree tattooed on her back, just above the subheading “Oral Sex”. (Just SAY you CAN, I’m not concerned with ‘Actually Contacting’ her, but some fantasies need a bit of help, and if this one needs help I want the help to be AVAILABLE! NOW!

    Thank you, so very much. In return, when you say you will provide me her phone number, I will pretend to believe you! So we can all lie to each other, and feel good about it.

    • Omg, I totally had a box of nitrile gloves and every time I’d put them on my girlfriend would say “two bye two, hands of blue” and I’d be like “no stop it, those guys are creepy.”

      • I make my AA at work order purple or black nitrile gloves to avoid the “two by two, hands of blue” issue. They’re 2-3 cents more per box. Sorry taxpayers.

        • With purple you can pretend you are a Warehouse 13 agent, and your lover’s junk is a powerful artifact that needs to be carefully handled.

    • Yeah, I’m allergic to latex, but there are non-latex oral dams and gloves and whatnot. I’ve never found non-latex oral dams in fun flavors or colors, though, which makes me kind of sad.

  10. I am so sending this to my girlfriend!! she had a mini panic attack after our first time together because I was her first girl and she wasn’t sure she “did it right” (although I assured her she most certainly did!)

  11. For some reason I found this one of the sexiest NSFW Sundays ever, maybe because I’m still a newbie and I haven’t graduated to the advanced sexy times in all the other NSFWs. Oh well, here’s hoping I get laid soon so I can try out all of the things.

  12. Well this article is a good one. Wish it had been around last January. Oh well things worked out fine anyways.
    Question about barriers? If both you and your girl were virgins it shouldn’t make a difference whether you use them or not, right?

    • It’s possible to have herpes (HSV) without knowing it, even if one is a virgin.

      It doesn’t matter which strain a person has. (Type 1 is known for sores on the mouth and is socially acceptable and Type 2 is known for sores on the genitals and is still not socially acceptable.) Type 1 can show up on the genitals and Type 2 on the mouth.

      “Herpes…has nothing to do with sexual past. Keep in mind that most children get it from their parents touching them, so get away from the blame game.”

      • yes! attn ladies: i was a virgin the first time i had sex with my partner and i gave her type 1 herpes on her genitals from oral sex. i had barely even made out with anyone, and i gave my partner a std. we were so confused, so misinformed, and i have never felt more terrible. this can happen! unfortunately, after many conversations with doctors, it seems there was really nothing either of us could have done about this (outside of i guess using protection 100% of the time even in our monogamous relationship)

        just another note though, we have been together for three years, and it is totally manageable. herpes is not what society tells you it is. so its not the end of the world if you have herpes/give herpes to someone. but obviously it goes without saying, be safe and avoid it if you can.

      • Okay, yes, I was wondering about this. I’ve gotten cold sores and the like my whole life – I know, sexiest thing ever – what strain is that? I’ve made out with a boat load of people, and don’t believe I’ve ever passed it on. They’re only contagious when you have a sore… right? Do things change in the land down under? If so, I should probably accompany my “straight” best friend to the doctor to explain things…

        • Hey, I know this is a pretty old comment but no you always have the viral shedding regardless of sores. You can get genital herpes e.g if somebody goes down on you and they have the herpes virus, regardless of whether they have ever had a coldsore so a lot of people don’t even know they have it!

          • You’re not ALWAYS shedding the virus. You are occasionally shedding the virus. If you hardly ever have outbreaks, the likelihood of you shedding asymptomatically is even lower.

  13. Lame but I’ve done this: I overcame the awkwardness of my first time using dental dams (and my newness at everything) by proposing a “dental dam tasting”. I had 3 flavours available, and it was crazy-good fun running through them all. Goofy awkward fun.

  14. This post was AWESOME!!! …granted, it wont be my first time, but still lots of useful info. May have to uh…pass this on to someone.

  15. This was such a great and detailed post. Really enjoyed it. Lets see – I started having lesbian sex young at 16 and didn’t know what I was doing and reading books and practicing helped a lot. I read “Joy of Lesbian Sex” which is so outdated but fun anyways. I didn’t orgasm until I was well over 20. Betty Dodson was wonderful and so were dildos and vibrators. I also don’t recommend too much drunkenness if you can avoid it. I always prefer sex in the morning, after brushing your teeth, a quick wash and trimming nails, etc. I think basic cleanliness is a must.

  16. omg this is amazing and makes me feel so much better about myself. I was just throwing myself a pity party the other day because I’m 22 and still a virgin. I avoided hetero sex for years because I was gay and didn’t realize it yet. I came out as bi/pansexual when I was 19 and have only had one relationship since then and it lasted a month. We never had a privacy so we could never hook up. I came out as gay last semester. But the other day I was all like “wah wah wah forever alone forever a virgin” in spite of all of the rational reasoning my brain was making. This makes me feel a lot better about myself. :)

      • I was almost 22 when I slept with the first lady, and I was…almost 23 before it happened again.

        there’s a place for us.d

        • You guys are wonderful. I’m 20 and I’m always worried that I’ll die a virgin. So good to know I’m not alone! I was very religious in high school so I wouldn’t sleep with any of my boyfriends (convenient, no?) and I just went on my first date with a lady today. :) We hit it off and things are looking good, so I stumbled upon this article just in time it would seem… xD

  17. “so many different vaginas featured in this vagina art by jamie mccatney”

    They’re vulvas, not vaginas.

    Also the equation of “fucking” with penetration kind of makes me uncomfortable.

  18. YOU GUYS. I didn’t know where my clit was until I was 20. A guy found it for me. And I’d spent my adolescence reading up on sex/vaginas/magic like it was my job, too. The first time I had sex, she went for it and all I could think was ‘why is she badgering my urethra…’
    Idiocy happens.

    • If by ‘anything’ you mean ‘something bigger than a finger’: Whatever it is, make sure it’s clean and/or sheathed, make sure it’s attached to someone you love or at least trust and are sexually attracted to (others may disagree on this point, but cherry-popping is traumatic and it’s nice not to go through it alone), and KEEP AT IT even if it hurts like God is personally punishing you for eating orphans. Because it’ll get a lot better pretty quickly, and it’s totally worth it.

      NB: Some girls go through a lot of pain, but others are totally fine; if your question was more about your girl’s (or your own) fingers, then the best advice I can give you is to make sure they’re washed and just get over whatever fears you have, which is totally the opposite of advice. Soooo. Good luck!

    • I am absolutely terrified of being penetrated (much of this is due to a Pap Smear gone terribly wrong.) The thing is that you don’t have to be penetrated to have good sex! Vadge-to-vadge rubbing, as the article so eloquently puts it, can feel amazing and get you off. Also you can have someone either give you oral sex or stimulate your clit with her finger without actually putting the finger in. Just make sure you talk to any potential partner about how you feel so that she doesn’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

    • It isn’t a necessity with boys either. And some girls need penetration and that is okay too.

      Really down to the person, not the gender.

  19. I think I’m going to bookmark this article, it might be helpful one day. Well, I hope so anyway…..

  20. this is so awesome!! I was looking for something like this were I can learn and ask without feeling weird. I feel like autostraddle is reading my mind :D
    I’m from Mexico and this is a very conservative country or atleast it have been in the environment I have grown up, you know very catholic and very machista so I have felt a lot of masturbation shaming, everytime I do it I feel very guilty about it so I don’t do it very often, because of this I haven’t got to know my body as much.

    my sister thinks that lesbians doesn’t have sex, that they just masturbate eachother :S

    Not to long ago I had my first time (I’m a gold star) and we had unprotected sex which I totally regret now because we never talk about it before or after, but she was so horny and i really wanted to please her that we didn’t care about using protection. (you should make an article on how to talk about this with the other person). And I regretted it because for me it was my first time and she knew it, but for her it wasn’t her first time so that got me thinking with how many more people she did the same (having sex without protection) and that got me really scared and because she was dating man before me (I don’t know why it gets me more scared knowing that she was dating man and we had unprotected sex :S)

    The other day I was talking with some people I met about dental dams and they say the dental dams are such a pain in the ass, that aren’t sexy and that take the fun out of oral sex because they can’t have the pussy taste, so I don’t know what to think about it, do people really use them?

    • Don’t have sex underage! Just wanted to put the reminder. Also tell someone you trust if you did before and maybe see a therapist about the situation.

  21. Thanks for the post guys! I’ve been at this for 13 years, and have been with approximately 15-20 women, and I still occasionally run into trouble when making the first move/going in for the big kiss. Usually it’s smooth sailing after that. Can we discuss this please? Tips/pointers? Has this area been covered in a previous post?

  22. I lost my virginity when I was 20. (And I don’t even need to qualify this, because I’ve never had sex with a man. Woohoo!) I still haven’t really mastered the art of consistently orgasming through sex — I think I focus too much on if I’m going to come or not and on other things like body image and is my partner enjoying this etc. etc. (Masturbation has a 100% success rate.) Really, to me, the most important thing is to just have fun. It doesn’t need to be this intense serious thing. I love making girls laugh when we’re getting down. It takes the pressure off and I can tell they really enjoy it and feel like they can let loose. I do recommend learning your own body as a cheat sheet — definitely masturbate before you have sex the first time. If not to learn what she might like, then to at least figure out what you like so you can guide her in the right direction. Everyone wants to feel like they are giving their partner pleasure, so help her do that.

  23. I love it when Autostraddle reads my mind. I’ve been thinking about this topic so much lately. I only came out to myself in August this year, after years of ill-advised dude-sexing. I’ve been stressing about how 23 is SO OLD to suddenly feel so inexperienced again, and all the other queers are so much cooler and have their shit together. But if everyone else feels that way too, then yay! We can all fumble along together!

  24. This was a great read.
    I would never have needed this though, purely because I lost my V to a dude, and had alot of sex with dudes, so when I finally got the opportunity to be between a pair of lady thighs I was like roadrunner back to her place. No time to consider articles, but I like it!
    Although unless I skimmed it without realising, you left out anal. Before I’d ever had sex with a woman I literally didn’t think there was a single woman in the world who wanted anal, and that it was just something straight women did for men, but then I was with a girl who really REALLY wanted it! I have never discussed sex with a sexual partner before but I did have to stop mid encounter to ask how she wanted it, wouldn’t it hurt, tell me if i’m hurting you, and I’m glad you’re having a good time but if you put that thing anywhere near my bum hole I’m going home.

  25. I lost my virginity at 25 to a genderqueer, female bodied person. We had fooled around 2 or 3 times and I think I just decided that I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I was with that person for 8 months and the sex never got good. We always played by my partner’s rules. Always gloves (which I get, safety is a thing, but we never had a conversation about it). Never oral because my partner was “saving that for my wife”. (seriously. what’s the point of being gay if no get’s their pussy eaten?) I never got off unless I was in my own head, which I’m sure is fine sometimes, but I could never mentally be in it with my partner. And I felt that I hurt my partner’s feelings if I didn’t cum, so I made sure it happened. It’s was a little fucked up. Ironically, the reasons that I ended the relationship had nothing directly to do with our sex life.

    All this to say that, I’m really looking forward to having good sex. I might have lost it to the wrong person, but at least I had some training wheels.

  26. I just wanted to try and be reassuring. In that I’m 27 and have never orgasmed by my own hand or others. But I’m super comfortable with my current girlfriend and being able to psychologically let loose with her is the closest I’ve ever been. Like I think there’s some mental barriers going on here. Not like you should see a therapist but actually female sexuality is one of those things thats it’s really easy to feel ashamed about even if you’re sex positive. So don’t worry, if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t then sex can still feel nice. And fucking someone else can be so. fucking. hot.

    Also wrt to protection, I’ve never use dental dams but I’m kind of interested, what can be transmitted through bodily fluid contact? I mean my nurse says I’m a low risk group cus of gold star and if your partner is a virgin or has all the sex tests then what can happen? I hear research is not so existent on this but I seriously don’t know what I’m in danger of or how specifically it can be transmitted.

  27. I actually know absolutely nothing about queer safe sex! :0
    I’ve never heard of a dental dam or using latex gloves or any of the stuff that’s showing up in these comments. What kind of resources are out there for people who only have high school health classes to go on?

  28. So can I ask a question about nails? Of course, I recognise the need to trim and file my nails, though it pains me. Not literally of course, I just love being able to clack my nails on surfaces and make them look pretty.

    Anyway… what I want to know, is if I shouldn’t be painting them? Is nail polish unsafe? I’ve not been able to find advice on this anywhere.

    • I’ve often wondered about the same thing. I keep them unpainted, but I’m not 100% on that…let me know if you figure out the answer!

    • I’ve often wondered the same thing. I keep mine trimmed, clean, and unpainted just to be safe, but I haven’t been able to find any information saying whether or not polish is kosher. Let me know if you find out the answer!

  29. Seriously, the Ethical Slut is the best book. I’ve practically crammed it down the throats of every new poly person I encounter, like they’re trembly underweight new foals and I am desperately trying to bottle feed them all.

    ALSO if you’re in to sex toys can I just say:

    This is fucking incredible. Ass, vadge, whatever, it is a orgasm seeking missile. It will find your G-spot, even if you don’t believe in them. It rules at ass stimulation too. It is worth EVERY PENNY. (or is that every red penny, considering this is a post about lesbians?)

    • About Ethical Slut:

      Except that when a disability activism group was like “Hmm… It is problematic that this author uses us as an analogy for ignorance.” she was all “Freedom of speech, bitches. I can say what I want and don’t care who it hurts.”

  30. Quite recently got some lady action and I want to thank the ladies of Autostraddle for this article. It totally put my mind at ease that laughing can occur, that things will not go perfectly, yet everything can be fine/fun/sexy anyway!

    Also, bonus to autostraddle for past music articles, without which I would never have conveniently had a sexytimes playlist!

  31. So, I love the boys and initially read this article out of curiosity. MOST HELPFUL THING I’VE EVER READ (about sex). Other articles I’ve stumbled upon have been more about pleasing the penis than making sex pleasing to both yourself and your partner. While it’s great to know how to give a good BJ, why does sex itself kinda suck for me, or did for so long? Why do I not always get wet? Is this normal, ’cause my partners always seem offended. This has so much information about what to expect from yourself and what is OK. I want to spread this information to every hetero male brain I know. Particularly, an understanding of proper fingernail etiquette.

  32. “1) Pussy isn’t supposed to taste like mint…in my experience. I’m not sure how I would feel about non-pussy flavored pussy. I would think it an odd experience.”

    Please give Rae an award!!!! I laughed hysterically with her comment. Totally agree with her :)

  33. i was 16 and didnt see the reason in shaving my downstairs, she started moving south of my equator so i said “yea i wouldnt go down there i have about 16 yrs worth of wall to wall carpeting”

  34. “Whether you’re 16 or 36, you’re not behind.”

    Thanks for this-I was starting to feel like coming out at 32 was starting to mess with my mojo.

  35. One thing, especially if you’re both firsties – talk to your partner. My first girlfriend and I were figuring out the whole sex thing together, and that was one of the most helpful things, for both of us. You don’t have to make it “dirty” or sound like a porn goddess. A simple “yes” or “there!” when she does something that works. And be enthusiastic if you’re, um, offering alterations – “Oh, yes, higher!”

  36. Keeping semi clothed your frist time is a great idea. Just some little PJ shorts or even boxers! Just enough so you don’t feel comlepletly starks but still sexy ;)
    This really helped me my frist time (wow a few months ago now!) It wasn’t her first time but it was mine with either gender (I’m 17) Just take it slow and um … practise ;)

  37. I’m not sure if this has been covered..but what do you ladies think about girls that get REAAALLY wet during sex? Infact, not even during, like, when you put your hand into their pants to see how wet they are after kissing and rolling around for a bit..
    I worry about that wayyyy too much. I feel like i’m always a million times wetter than the girl i’m with and that i get wet really, really easily. I’m talkin’ hand is drippin’ and slippin’ all over the place! It makes me really conscious..
    Anyway, thoughts?!

    • My girlfriend gets very wet very easily and she gets embarrassed about it but what you girls need to realize is that it is VERY sexy and a big turn on. It also makes fingering you easier for us and more comfortable (and therefore pleasurable for you)! Embarrass it and relax :D

  38. Oh, just in case you may have thought of this, do not attempt to use mouthwash to improve her “breath”. Pussies were not made for mouthwash, and yes I tried this, I was young and crazy, OK?

    Communicate! Tell each other what is working and what doesn’t, i.e. direct, hard pressure on my clitty is too intense, however hard pressure on my mons is yummy, and I tell this to my lover.

  39. My girlfriend gets very wet very easily and she gets embarrassed about it but what you girls need to realize is that it is VERY sexy and a big turn on. It also makes fingering you easier for us and more comfortable (and therefore pleasurable for you)! Embarrass it and relax! :D

  40. Chaz, I think this is where The Rolling Stones get the idea for “Sticky Fingers”. So do you have the moves like Jaggar?

  41. Hey, I’m going to have lady sexytimes soon. We’re both 16. My first time, she’s… experienced – we’re talking 40+ O_O So I’m a bit panicky but this article was GREAT!!!! THANKS!!! ^_^

    • Just make sure your ready (I know it sucks when people say that but its true!) I’m 17 and lost it a few months back (shes my age but had done it before many times!) and we’d mucked about before and it was scary and embarrassing but after we got to really know each other and actually did it for the first time it was amazing!!! No fairy tale of course but it felt right and safe and I woke up happy next to her. I’d hate for anyone to miss out on that!

  42. I’ll probably die a virgin… *lost all hope* hahahahH.. No seriously. I have to say, perfect article though, maybe I’ll be able to put it to use SOME DAY

  43. Thanks for this awesome blog entry. I’ve been in a relationship with a woman for 5 years, but I have a question for you. My partner is not into oral sex, not at all, not into giving or receiving. So our sex life is only a)foreplay, and b)us getting us each other off by rubbing the other’s clit and fucking each other (though we only actually get off by clitoral stimulation), though love the fucking part. Anyway, we’ve talked about it in the past but she’s Just Not Into It, the oral that is. We have a very loving relationship, lots of affection, and the sex is indeed sweet (though there aren’t fireworks, but I think fireworks aren’t as common as erotica novels say they are). Anyway, I do feel that this is missing (eh-hem, MISSING!!!!!) from my life, and that makes me sad, and occasionally resentful. And in case you ask, I will tell you that I am indeed very clean, I do not smell, and in the past, women have greatly enjoyed going down on me (and I’ve greatly enjoyed both giving and receiving). I’m not really sure what I’m asking you, or what to do. I love my partner very much and I know she loves me. But this is really missing from my life. Is this a common thing? Do couples sometimes have this issue? Does all lesbian sex involve oral sex? Do you have any wise words? Sigh…. Thanks.

  44. Good article, the photo of the oral sex turned me on lol you should post more photos like that lol.

  45. Insightful. Although I love how you’re encouraging to just go for it and not have a plan. Sex drive is for sure a real thing. A beautiful and real thing.

  46. This post makes me feel one million times better. I just started dating this girl and we’re both crazy about each other, and we seriously hooked up for the first time last night. I had only fucked one other girl before this and there were no problems. But last night, I realized, NOT ALL GIRLS ARE THE SAME. I was too rough and made her bleed and I FEEL AWFUL. She was so amazing about the whole thing, because we’re both new to all this and totally into each other. So I guess I’m saying thank you autostraddle, for making me feel like I’m not completely inadequate!

        • MKR Girl, how did you get out of my pocket? Guess I need to really stuff you in there a bit deeper. And I am so making you that shirt!

          • I never left, Digger Girl, I probably fell asleep and didn’t hear you.
            I am holding you to that shirt.

    • Iris,
      While it’s probably true that everyone on Autostraddle WANTS to get laid, it’s not true that everyone IS getting laid.
      Have faith, your girl is coming too (ahem :-)–meanwhile go to brunch, smile at the waitress, flirt with a queer girl, drink a mimosa! Practice patience and “pre-game” a lot.
      It’s Spring! (in the northern hemisphere)–and who knows what can happen!

  47. I sometimes worry about meeting a girl who likes what I like… I’ve experimented a lot but I don’t really like fucking girls all that much… I like pleasing them orally a lot, and being penetrated. There was friction between me and my ex because I just wasnt into fucking her… I liked everything else though. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

    • I think it’s much like buying a gift for a friend; it may not be what you would like to receive but it lights up her whole face with a radiant smile….

      I would encourage you to be flexible and generous in bed.
      Also, “liking everything else though” is a great start! Good luck! :-)

  48. So i had sex with my gf and it was so much fun this info wasnt really usefull but yeah the sex was AWESOME it felt so great!!!!!!!

  49. Thank you SO MUCH for including the bit about trans* guys! Im currently dating an FtM so while he has similar erogenous zones there are still definitely “do’s” and “don’ts” to take into consideration

  50. Thanks for grossing me out but now I feel better on how I’m going to do it. Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)

  51. This is way late, but reading this post helped me so much my first time — not because of the specific tips necessarily, but because of the piece’s whole attitude. I relaxed, took it slow, and communicated/laughed with my lady, and it was the most awesome thing ever.

    So thank you :)

  52. I am a young lady and i was looking up some pointers on what to do my first time DOING things instead of having them DONE to me.. and this helped quite a bit. Ive only gone as far as forplay i suppose and she did a wee bit more than that and thats about as far as it went. Im EXTREMELY nervous, i may be experiencing my and she is a little older than i and there will be a guy taking part as well. Like some said, i feel like a virgin all over worried in going to hurt her or do something wrong.. male on female sex came so natural to me that i wasnt even worried or scared of the pain that comes with popping a cherry, but for some reason the thought of going down on another girl makes me feel like a 10 year old boy in a room full of hot half naked playboy models. I dont know what to do :(

  53. Hey ladies,

    I seen some comments mentioning that they have never had a orgasm. Some people have only had it from them selfs doing it.

    My girlfriend was the same I didn’t know this straight away but i did notice the NON ORGASM the first month of dating. I kept asking arrhhhhhhh what am i doing wrong, and she used to just say its early days.

    Well when she finally did she told me no man woman with fingers tongues etc has made her come SO YOU CAN IMAGINE im feel like the cockys coolest person * HANDS BEHIND HEAD * saying ohhhh yeehhhh.( she was like a monster for it after that i felt like my tonger and right arm devolped a extra muscle

    Well back to the point she said she didnt because she has never felt secure and comfortable with someone yes it felt good and she enjoyed sex with her previous partners but she could just never let that part of her go because she didnt feel the security.
    SO im just wondering for some people do you actually thing its psychological that maybe your holding yourself back for someone or something that gives you that burst where you feel yes I want to let go?

  54. hey, i’ve never had sex with a woman before and am REALLY curious. i’m 15 and one of my friends (who turns 15 in a week) has expressed somewhat of an interest in mt curiosity. i don’t know if i should go for it–kissing only first, i promise–or not. would it ruin our friendship if we kept it up?

  55. well jezz, i think it could be good, but you dont want to go far, being only curiouse and finding out the other girl really likes you. i encoreg it but then, be sure you both know what the other is doing and thinks this is.

  56. So, I’m 15, and my first and only time was a few months ago when I was 14. My best friend/ first love/ former girlfriend and I were only friends at the time, although we still fell asleep in each other’s arms, watched movies on my couch, etc. She was my world for 2 years of our lives already, but both of us were having a really rough week. We decided to drown in our sorrows at her house for the night, and she had a bit too much to drink. She’s “straight” but came onto me that night. Well, one thing led to another, and there went my first time. The nice part was that we love(d) each other, and therefore it was special. However, uneventful. At a time that made no sense, she got up and said, “I have to pee.” Then she came back and passed out. Next morning, the girl I love didn’t remember, and wanted to be friends after telling me she wanted to be with me only the night before. We haven’t talked since. Gotta love your awkward and heartbreaking 1st time, and gotta love being a young teenage lesbian. Additionally, I can’t move on well because there aren’t many girls my age as sure about their sexuality as I am, and have been for as long as I can remember. It gets better though, right?

    PS- This website will be my go-to for years to come. Unbelieveably helpful.

  57. i’m really worried about ‘coming out’ to my Mum and family. Im 15 and i’m positive that i’m bisexual but i just don’t know when i should tell my family. They aren’t conservative. I’m lucky, i have a really great relationship with my Mum but i’m scared they won’t think of me the same as they did before. Should I wait a couple years?

    • my uncle came out and even being part of a catholic family we were all supportive and everything. I think the best way is to tell your parents first and then the rest of the family. my mom said she could tell from a rather early age that he was gay. it has never bothered any of us really, your family will love you no matter what.

      • Not always true. Fifty percent of teens who come out to their families are either thrown out of their homes or mentally/physically abused. My parents, eight months later, still don’t accept it, and I have to practice discretion if I ever want to see my girlfriend. Thank god we’re going to the same school.

  58. Hate to get involved in this, but I knew nothing of the sort, and I love and am friends with all. To me everyone is equal. I think maybe people get offensive only because of past experiences, don’t let what someone says get you down so, you are who you are,as long as your heart is pure that’s all that matters.

  59. I did find this EXTREMELY helpful.
    My girlfriend, Ashley and I were lost, since we’d never done anything before each other. She soaked my bed and I orgasmed so fucking hard. Then we cried later feeling like we did it to soon. We’ve been together 5 months. I liked licking her dripping wet clit. And her fingering my dripping wet pussy.
    I hope we stay together for a while ❤
    4/23 ❤

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  61. I’m a virgin in the lesbian department.. I get aroused and everything, but the idea of sex sounds so awkward because of the fact I’ve never done it. How would I go about getting started? I had a girlfriend once, but we only ever did a quick kiss like twice, and the second time it was dark so I missed.

  62. I’m a teen girl and still virgin.I very like a girl and already have a girlfriend,but we never having sex.We just kissing & touching a breasts.So,how it taste of our pussy?Its nice,good or something…?

  63. So is it bad that me and my girlfriend can’t get each other to orgasm? We’ve tried. Really, we have. And I found her spot, and she found mine, but nothing seems to work. Last time I was at her house, we were fooling around for over three hours. She actually went to deep for me and I ended up sore so I couldn’t orgasm. Which is fine. My goal is to get her to. But when I attempt to stimulate her g-spot, she doesn’t like it as much as she does right outside the vaginal opening (in a small indention that I don’t know what it’s called), but that doesn’t work very well at making her orgasm. I’m kind of worried about trying clitoral stimulation, but I suppose it’s worth a shot. I suppose practice is key, but we always go on for hours and hours at a time. Is that a good thing? o_o

  64. So im a 15 year old bisexual who’s still a virgin. I have this one friend who is also bisexual and has been with women before. I really want to do stuff with her but I don’t want to ruin our friendship. My other fear is that since I live in a super-judgemental catholic farm town, if someone finds out, I’ll lose all my friends…

  65. Oh, thank you so much for this article! I’m a beginer:) Although i’m 28 and have been wit man before, this is so new to me! But since i had a back surgery i wish if someone could tell me some poses that are least painful for my lower back, cause i can’t enjoy when it hurts:/ with my ex boyfriend i was only doing the missionary pose, so i’m quite static!:/ I don’t even know how i’m gona go down on her:/

  66. Well, this was helpful. Really, being a rather confused high school student who has no clue what they’re doing, I much appreciate this. And it’s not just for the technical parts.

    It’s really bothered me that there doesn’t seem to be some sort of category for describing how I feel. I’ve never been with anyone, so maybe that’s part of the issue. I just have been really nervous about having any sort of physical relationship because it seems everyone goes to either oral sex or fingering. See, I generally have no problem with my gender in everyday life, but when it comes to that…no. Everything else classifies that as stone butch, but I’m not butch, and other than that I’m actually pretty submissive. It’s confusing, but hey, this kind of mentioned some of that, so I’m happy.

  67. III just read this for the first time. I’m in my first relationship -not- with a guy and we’ve only just started experimenting. This gave me some good laughs, and I love how real you guys are. Gonna give this to my girlfriend and see if it’ll help her overcome some hurdles. Thanks for writing this.

  68. Hi thankyou you brilliant people for writting this!! Im 16 and just realising im attracted to girls.My gf and i dont really know what to do with eachother all we know is we want eachother badly! This has helped alot!! Ahh i love you all! ANY TIPS ON HOW TO GET MY PARENTS TO UNDERSTAND?? I find it hard they’ve banned me from seeing her i just dont understand what their problem is! I mean just cos im gay doesnt mean i cant have kids and start a family right? An yw thankyou again fpr this wpderful article i so luckily stumbled across <3

    • What if you could pay your bills and shop extravagantly without owing money to your card issuer? Yes yes yes. If you think it sounds too good to be true, you are mistaken. With our cloned cards for sale, it is now possible to shop online and swipe without any debt.

    • Btw when it comes to that “fucking” category of the article, discuss your feelings about certain roles or lack of roles with your partner (like the “I f*ck you, you don’t f*ck me” part because it’s important that both you and your partner feel comfortable in case either person could be possibly causing harm or abusing the other. Stay safe everyone!!

  69. my first was at 14, is that weird? and yes i am talking about a girl. i was 13 with my first guy… and i remember not liking it. i gave guys the benefit of the doubt but the other three were still a no go. but my first girl… :D YEAH! my current gf is amazing and her first was at 17 so i guess i must be pretty good considering how long ive been doing this! btw im 23.

  70. me and my girlfriend just had sex for the first time a couple days ago and it was good but not really what i expected …

  71. me and my girlfriend just had sex for the first time a couple days ago and it was good but not really what i expected … in fact i didnt even feel like we were having sex anyone have any tips ??

  72. I was someone who was super-confident fucking dudes but the first time with my girlfriend was scary as hell for me. She was super loving and patient, but I hated being so novice at something that I felt like I had mastered years ago (sex). Our very first time involved a lot of apologizing and awkwardness on my part. I worried for months about not being able to make her feel as good as she was making me feel. Sometimes I cried. I was overly-sensitive about everything she said regarding our sex life. And then…bang…one day it just clicked. A year and a half later, I love having sex with my girlfriend – it involves no anxiety and I feel pretty freaking confident again. But it took a long time, and a lot of patience. But so worth it!

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  77. So I’m about to be 16 and I’ve recently within the past week had sex for the first time with a girl. I am understanding everything this article is saying but I don’t know.. I’m unsure about myself I guess.. I don’t madturbate often. But when I do I’m not really sticking my fingers inside myself (lol) but when this girl does it I just don’t want her to stop! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lol…

  78. I’m trans and loved the whole discussion, even though it’s a bit dated the material is just great and on point! I thought the article was wide ranging, in-depth enough with nicely used humor, and it didn’t make a person’s gender identity special but dealt with it when and where appropriate. For me taking the post-natal route to my womanhood isn’t all the special anymore . . . which is to say I’m no longer a transsexual; I’m just a sexual – a sexual lesbian that is.

    This site was perfect enough for me!

  79. It’s very easy to find out any matter on net
    as compared to textbooks, as I found this post at this web site.

  80. ok i get really wet and im worried she’ll get grossed out has this happened to anyone? is there a way to not get do wet? ive had sex with a guy he didnt mind but guys like any kind of pussy….

    • She isn’t going to be grossed out by it! I also have this problem, and if anything it’s just been funny. My current girlfriend thinks it’s hilarious that I sometimes drip on things- like my feet for instance- when I was sitting on them eating her out. It opens up lots of possibilities, means that you probably won’t hurt yourself, and you won’t get dried up when you inevitably have sex for hours.

      In my experience, guys have been much pickier than the women I’ve slept with.

  81. ok i get really wet and im worried she’ll get grossed out has this happened to anyone? is there a way to not get do wet? ive had sex with a guy he didnt mind but guys like any kind of pussy…..

    • I’d love it. Don’t be worried. Sex is messy, anyone who doesn’t expect it to be isn’t being realistic and needs to relax ;)

  82. This was so insanely helpful and reassuring!! Unfortunately i’m not planning on having sex anytime soon but my lack of knowledge of queer sex had left me pretty terrified of it. Despite being a lesbian, the idea of sex with another woman seemed hella daunting. BUT NOW IM SUPER EXCITED… man now I just need a girlfriend…

  83. Thank you for this post.
    My girlfriend has given me a lot of pleasures but I do not know how to give back. I know she’d love me to do it to her(orally) but she’s not and never complain and asked for it (I have mentioned it to her before).

  84. Hey,

    Just want to let you know that the picture of the vagina is inaccurate. The hymen should not be ‘torn’. The hymen is a thin membrane around the entrance and unlike popular belief does not completely close off the entrance (where would our periods go if it did, also how would our vaginas clean ourselves out). The hymen only tears if someone is careless when putting something large in there without stretching before hand. The hymen can tear during sports, like when you do the splits and so on. But otherwise the hymen should stay intact and it does not dis/prove virginity.


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  86. So, I’m 33 and never been with a woman. Having my first date with a gorgeous slightly older and much more experienced woman tomorrow. We both are in it for the physical fwb possibility so I’m nervous and excited at the same time. I honestly want to skip the silly pre sex formalities and go straight to practicing this new territory. Thanks for the article.

  87. Omg I’m so glad I found this, my gf’s been trying to initiate something and I’ve been so nervous (being a virgin) I feel better knowing somewhat what to expect and what not to be thrown off by.

  88. Its just AWESOME
    I Just LOVE IT
    Because I’m looking foward into meeting my girlfriend in a few days.

  89. This was very helpful (I guess), but raised so many questions too. Am 29 and never had sex with a girl, (to my entourage am straight) just some kissing in high school and fooling around. But lately am thinking about it a lot. Subscribed to online dating sites, but damn, that’s hard to find someone who turns me on. I live on a small island (very very conservative), and finding a girl will be a real mission.
    Have yet to discuss the things I learnt here with a lesbian (didn’t know a thing about safe sex between ladies!)

    Still searching for my first, and all this will surely help when the time arrives.

  90. Can we have something like this especially for trans women? Especially trans women who are still waiting for their vagina to show up? I feel like I understand lesbian sex and have a lot of the same feelings and understandings about it, hell, I know for fact that it doesn’t feel the same as before I started hormones, but also, I know I don’t have that part yet and have no frame of reference when you say stuff like “look at your own” or “what feels good” or “masturbate”. I’ve not found any help with this, and usually when I’m with someone they they are ok with talking but usually want to get to the sexy times and not take all day talking. Most people don’t understand how much trans women WANT to understand vagina on the same level as cisgender women, but unfortunately we don’t, and maybe even with surgery never will. It’s a hard thing to reconcile when you’re gay. Articles on this just might help a little.

  91. Thank you so much for putting this info out there.

    As a -only recently out despite my age- Black, queer, disabled cis woman, I don’t ever expect info to be specifically targeted toward more than one of my identities. I love finding resources that are at all helpful. The linked article on how to perform oral sex on a person with genitalia generally assumed to be called “vulvae” is -in some ways- helpful, but I found it rather problematic. Is there a way to maybe include how heteronormative the article is, how focused on binary genders, how “pick-up-artisty” some of it seems and how it completely misses the importance of affirmative consent, in the link? Also I clicked around on the website that was linked and found some incredibly transphobic content.

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  95. Hey it’s a great article because despite accepting myself and being out 5 years (bisexual) I still haven’t had sex with a woman and I’m thinking of returning to dating and this will include women (yes I am romantically and emotionally into women personally, I’d be happy to spend my life with a woman if I met the right one, I’m not one of those who are in it just physically).

    Only issue is I feel a bit left out since terminology only mentions lesbians but we’re all here for the same thing. I just hope if I date a lesbian she doesn’t fear I’m only after one thing then bugger off with a man. I’ve heard of this and it saddens me.

    Anyway, thanks. It’s helpful. I’m nervous about the whole thing (if I’m lucky, I’m one year off 40 and hope it’s not too late).

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  97. I’m not open but I’ve recently started a new job and I’ve started seeing a woman who’s 20 years older than me at 22 and married, but I’m staying at hers for the weekend coming. We’ve only kissed but she’s hinted that she is interested in more. I’ve just laughed it off but I’m excited but nervous. This article has helped me alot and I hope it’s what I’ve imagined. Thank you. Claire

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