Effing Dykes Presents: What Lies Beneath (Her Fingernails)

This is a Special Guest Post by Krista of Effing Dykes! Effing Dykes is a queer girl blog that’s hilarious and smart and a little raunchy and WE LOVE IT. Probably wouldn’t be a terrible idea to set aside some time and get sucked into an Effing Dykes wormhole, if you haven’t already. Just make sure you come back here to read this post, because it’s special, as aforementioned.

via ohcardigan

Hiya lezzers!

I’ve got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY STORY??

MWAH HA HAHAHAHA!

Get your buddy. Everybody got your buddy? Good. Hold on tight to your buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this is a true story.

Ahem.

Once upon a time, when I was so newly gay I didn’t even know I was newly gay…

An older lesbian at the now-defunct queer bar called Za’s in Green Bay, Wisconsin (I was totally just there to dance) gave me some advice:

1) Never open a joint checking account with your lover
2) Don’t fake orgasms
3) Make sure a woman’s fingernails are clean.

The wise lesbian was in her late 40’s, an age group so far away from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that I couldn’t even imagine what it must be like to be so ancient.

via petitlapin

How sad, I thought. Here she is at a bar and she’s old. I hope I don’t end up lonely like her.

Isn’t it fun to be the center of your own universe?

What a little shit I was.

via diaghram

For some reason, though, I walked away from Za’s that night repeating her three rules to myself.

When I woke up, I thought of them.

It was kind of like in The Silver Chair, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb are charged by Aslan to remember The Signs. Don’t act like you don’t re-read your Narnia boxed-set at least once a year.

Anyway! through the years, I always remembered the three life lessons the lesbian had taught me. Her advice made sense.

I never opened a joint checking account with anyone.

I never faked orgasms again after the first few times I did it, realizing I was, in fact, dooming myself to a perpetual cycle of shitty sex by rewarding poor performance with my cries of “ecstasy.”

And I always secretly checked a girl’s fingernails before I slept with her.

via diaphram

Short? Check.

No scratchy edges? Check.

Clean? It’s go time.

But why, sluts? What is the big deal about fingernails? What’s with all the short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?

I mean, alright, I get it. It’s harder to fuck with long nails. You could maybe puncture a lung or something.

But it’s not impossible. I’ve had long nails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em ain’t all that hard — you just make sure to use the pads of your fingers.

So why was that lesbian so emphatic about clean fingernails?
You guys, she was
SO. EMPHATIC.

I decided to do some debunking.

Surely nothing could really happen to you if you got fucked by someone with dirty nails.

via lesbiansftw

And then I remembered a story so horrible I’d almost forgotten it.

Homos.

via dirtyknife

Bad shit can happen.

This horror story comes to us courtesy of my good-looking friend “Cai,” who has seen more pussy in heat than a kitty clinic on Free Spay Day.

Ok.

Cai was in Miami when she met a very hot femme we’ll call Katie.

Katie smelled like sugar cookies baking, wore a leopard-print bikini, had gigantic gold hoops that shimmered in the light, and also possessed one of the finest asses Cai had ever seen.

She secretly texted me a picture of Katie at the pool so she could brag, and I texted back, “I would hit that till my hand fell off.”

via hellogirls

So, yes, Katie.

Cai took Katie home that night. There had been some serious drinking.

While undressing Katie in the half-light, Cai saw something she hadn’t really noticed before: Katie had cool nails.

In fact, Katie had a long, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai couldn’t stop the mental image of those nails clawing down her back while she fucked Katie, so animalistic sex commenced.

Cai even let Katie fuck her, even though she ordinarily never lets anybody do that. What the hell, she figured. Going home tomorrow. Never see this girl again. I can get topped for a night.

Let’s fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

via gilliansees

Something was wrong with Cai’s “area.”

Seriously, seriously wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish stuff was oozing from it. And when I say some I mean excessive. amounts. of. pus.

Cai refused to go to the lady-doctor.

Because being supportive is what friendship is all about, when she told me, I said, “So you finally got the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai laughed nervously. She went home, googled “the clap” and became convinced that she did, indeed have gonorrhea. She decided to go, for the first time ever (she was 28), to our queer-friendly neighborhood gyno clinic.

They didn’t know what was wrong with her.

They tested her for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Nothing.

Cai was in some pain. She needed answers. She had been putting the ‘pus’ in “pussy” for almost a month now.

So they gave her an ultrasound.

AND WOULD YOU GUESS WHAT THEY FOUND.

Vaginal tears. All over the inside of her vag.

Lots and lots of tears.

Cai had been ripped to shreds. Her insides were hanging in ribbons. Looked like crepe paper birthday decorations in there.

And everything – every last inch – was infected.

It would seem that when Katie used her fabulous long nails to give Cai a vigorous drunk-fuck, nobody knew that her nails were also a festering breeding ground for bacterial vaginosis.

Awesome.

Cai claims to have been a stone-cold top ever since.

My best friend wikipedia says you can get nasty infections from dirty nails. Apparently, there are sometimes staphylococcus germs hangin’ out, which can cause anything from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And guess what else?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna say.

these are pinworms

That wise lesbian was spot-on with her life lessons.

Never open a joint checking account with your lover.

Never fake orgasms.

And holy mother of god, check out a new trick’s fingernails before fucking.

by crystal gwyn

Or you are doomed to suffer the fate of Cai.

THE END

I have to wonder, though…

Have any of y’all ever gotten anything nasty from another girl’s fingers?

Or heard of someone who did?

Or is this mostly (‘cept for Cai) a lesbian urban myth?

My fingers are inching towards the travel-sized Purell bottle.

I need answers.


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Krista Burton writes the award-winning blog Effing Dykes and lives in Chicago. When she’s not writing, she travels for her job, tries not to stare openly at cute girls, and spends inordinate amounts of time in drugstore makeup aisles.

Krista has written 6 articles for us.

274 Comments

  1. Bri

    Thanks, y’all.

    You just gave me Lesbian Paranoid OCD and if my girlfriend doesn’t get laid/I don’t get laid next month when I see her, you’ll be the reason why. I hope you can live with yourselves.

    YOU JUST CAUSED LESBIAN BED DEATH.

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  3. riverstoneannie

    There is a REASON we nurses are not allowed EVER to have any kind of artificial nails. Those motherfuckers harbor bacteria, yeast and viruses and you can spread that shit to ANYBODY you touch. They look very very pretty but they are actually very very revolting. No fake nails EVER in my change purse. there is not enough hand sanitizer available to kill the bugs that imbed themselves.

    • jen8

      I agree! I find any nail ‘adornment’ a total turn-off and unsanitary. Luckily, in England, the short, plain nail seems to be all the rage! I fear the long red 1980s nails are just around the corner though.

  4. It’s a day later and my vagina is still crying.

    And I have no idea how this story even made me hungry yesterday.

    But it did.

    Isn’t Autostraddle supposed to make my vagina smile?

  5. Marika

    for whatever reason, I keep coming back to this.

    Realized today that this has (hopefully temporarily) ruined a lot of porn for me because whenever I see long fingernails I see pain and suffering. Damnit.

  6. juicy347

    This made me cringe. There should be a horror movie made based around this. Thank gaga that I’m not planning on hooking up/dating anytime soon/for a while because I’m already a germaphobe and this article solidifies why I am one…

  7. kate

    omg. nightmares tonight. after reading this (and all the comments) i immediately went and washed my hands like five times and then gave myself a manicure.

  8. Li

    Argh!

    OK, I’m trying to talk myself down::

    1. It’s cool there’s still tongues, tongues are good for you
    2. Gloves are sexy anyways, especially blue nitrile gloves! You can find them in “extra-thin”, and I think you can probably order them in bulk off amazon or from your local sex shop, in case you can’t find a big box at the pharmacy.
    3. There is no three, I’m still thinking about scenarios involving sexy gloved hands

    • Tui

      Two by two, hands of blue … no, it’s not really working for me, I gotta say.

      • Li

        Then purple is your friend!

        Seriously amazon has a tremendous selection, I just browsed and found magenta nitrile gloves but only in a 1000-pack. Sadly that’s beyond my needs right now…

      • Ah, Firefly! How I miss you. Those Hands of Blue are looking less scary now.

  9. Steph

    After reading this and some of the comments, I think I’m traumatized for life. I may just stay celibate.

  10. Jacka

    I always say, if you wouldnt put in your mouth then dont let it go down south !! life mantra … :D

  11. Maria_A

    My girlfriend (B) told me a story about one of her old flings (R). B used to have acrylic nails pretty much all of the time and at one point she cut up the inside of R so bad it was worse than a heavy flow period….I never let her, um, ‘down there’ if she has acrylics after hearing that story. And always makes sure the nails are short. The just sound so unpleasant….

  12. Nicki

    My plan for next time, fuelled by the fucking scary stories you guys have shared, is to whisper sexily “I’m going to go wash my hands”, wink, and sashay off. At least that way she’s guaranteed to get some. There’s no way I’mma spend that time scrubbing my nails and disinfecting my hands if I won’t get rewarded.
    Yeah, I’m a top. Because my girlfriend wears nail polish. Eeeep.

  13. Dorothy

    Woah! Nature appears to have already armed me with this as part of a kind of lesbian ‘natural selection’ mechanism.

    See, people ask me what first attracts me to a girl, and I say hands, they laugh. This is clearly some inbuilt survival instinct!!! WHO’S LAUGHING NOW MY INFECTED FRIENDS!?

    I’M NOT A FREAK!* WIN!

    *less of a freak

  14. I love how this post has more comments than cai did vaginal tears.
    ew btw and I refuse to let a girl put fake nails near my vajj let alone in der! BACTERIA city!
    Hands should always be clean ESPECIALLY if you work with food ie jalapenos.
    My ex girl got to sleep on the couch for a few nights for coming home and making things ‘hot’ arg! nothing but time makes that sting stop.

  15. Found it very interesting, would have never thought about it if I hadn’t read it…Had to share amongst my friends.

  16. innocent bystandard

    …Should have worn a condom…..

  17. nov

    So glad my girlfriend keeps her nails short as a result of compulsive nailbiting and that I keep mine trimmed short because they’d just get torn up at work anyway. No torn up lady-bits for us, thank you very much.

  18. Elizabeth

    Lesbians and their cats, man. DON’T LET A GIRL PET YOUR CAT BEFORE SHE PETS YOUR OTHER CAT.

    This article is what I needed in middle school.. I mean it’s good to know about girl/boy sex but yeah.

    • Yeah. It’s weird that we only learned about boy/girl sex though. But I guess it’s pretty popular.

  19. Eep.
    Note to self: Never date a girl with long nails/get into bed with one.

    But fuck now Im concerned D:

  20. Jiksa

    Oh god. I think this post made me asexual and I’m never eating mayo again.

  21. ..i am just cringing inside.. uggh!
    soo, i guess mom was right that i should always wash my hands… mother knows best..

  22. Nice article, although pin worms aren’t going to cause a problem in your vag, but rather when they get into your mouth. Treat sex like food prep to avoid parasites and other infections ;p

  23. O.M.F.G….the kitty is right…what has been seen can not be unseen!
    Im a bit OCD about my nails so this makes me feel a bit less wierd lol, and as for long nails they’re fine as long as you know what you’re doing. I’ve always had crazy long nails but never a complaint lol, then again I keep em clean and manicured and never go for that fake nails and gluing stuff to em crap *shudders* some have war flash backs, I have fake nails for prom flash backs…THEY FUCKING HURT TO TAKE OFF! Its like freaking super glue :/

  24. Long nails have never even occurred to me as an option for this! For the longest time, my ex gf was the only one who did the fucking, and when she got the courage to ask me to do it, I was kind of uncomfortable, but I agreed to give it a shot. The only quibble I had other than a misconceived notion of gender roles was that I knew I’d have to cut off my pretty, completely even, just the right length (all of this was rare) nails, and I told her so. But those big sad puppy eyes made my decision easy.

  25. Pingback: Rules To Live By: Part One : hivster

  26. Holy Fuck, I have been clamping my legs together and clutching my uterus for the entire duration of this article! NEVER!

  27. Scott

    I love my gal and will be more thoughtful about hand cleanliness from now on.

  28. Am I the only one who doesn’t find flashy nails attractive? Maybe I’ve developed a lesbian survival instinct.

    On another note, so two lesbians walk into a bar… I mean, I was working at a bar, my-now-girlfriend comes round, as does a friend of mine who didn’t know we’re messing around. But she must have gotten the hint, ’cause the first chance she had, she grabbed my hand, examined it, grabbed her hand, examined it, and announced with a sly grin, “You two are shaggin’.”

    Nails. Dead giveaway.

  29. Riley

    I will never be able to unread this.

  30. Boxeadora

    Great first date, bar-hopping and groping. We went back to her friend’s house. (Did we wash hands after being out in public all night in two different bars? No. We did not.) We hooked up. She fisted me. Without gloves. It was greeeeeeat. Later? Major yeast infection.

  31. Jesus! Does no one take precautions these days? Short nails washed hands and if in doubt gloves… have some respect for your partner….

  32. Morning Glory

    Why are you eating gluten free graham crackers when the marshmallows are made from duh! Gelatin.

  33. Froglives

    Couldn’t help noticing the booze / bar references, as a plumber I can tell you every year our public safety reports put the door handle to the public bathroom and the faucet in the top three for all things bad bacteria or virus wise. The toilet seat usually never makes it in the top ten go figure.
    As for the hand sanitizer, if it can’t kill hep or staph on contact I’m not interested. Hot water and soap for at least a minuet ok for your place, but in public? in a bar? I wear lotion, latex, and still disinfect when I am done. The fixtures in the bar bathroom will kill you long before the booze and semi-safe sex will in my opinion.

  34. Pingback: Gay girl sex and fingernails | Little Puppy Boi

  35. oh man am I ever late to this comment party! ANYWAY

    I just wanted to leave a note that while Za’s is defunct, XS is a thing! (they’re the gay bar that moved in after Za’s closed) It is one of a handful of gay bars in the area and it is pretty okay (not in terms of gay bar ness, but in terms of “it’s not another sports bar thank fucking god” ness)

    however it is one of those “gay bars” that is actually a straight people bar because they play good music.

    green bay native OUT

  36. Gil

    Thanks for the advice. I’ll trim my nails and wash my hands before I fingerbang someone.

  37. Humberto O’Farrell

    Very good information. Lucky me I ran across your website
    by chance (stumbleupon). I have saved itt for later!

  38. Louisa Jiminez

    Great information. Lucky me I discovered your blog bby chance (stumbleupon).
    I’ve bookmarked it for later!

  39. in the year of our lorde 2017, i just re-read this in honour of effing dykes returning

    (also omg i forgot how bloody horrid it is)

    (ARGHHHH!!)

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