There’s something so absolutely blessedly mind-numbing about going all-in on a (usually mediocre and brief) televised psychological thriller. Wealthy women who live on the seashore with dark secrets! The family matriarch and/or patriarch suddenly vanishes without a trace! Pretty young people with their whole bright futures ahead of them find themselves implicated in a vicious murder plot! Whether these stories begin as YA novels or beach reads, they eventually land on a streaming network for us to enjoy. Most recently, Netflix’s Perfect Couple has managed to strike a chord with people looking for something to half-watch on a screen. Unfortunately, as is the case with most of the forgettable thrillers I watch on Netflix (e.g., Behind Her Eyes, Fair Play, The Watcher, Anatomy of a Scandal, Safe), there were no lesbians in it!
So let’s get into some thrillers that do have queer characters. For this list I focused on thrillers that are centered on the relationships between humans impacted by whatever mystery or thrilling situation lies at the heart of the show, rather than thrillers that are centered on law enforcement, government officials, journalists or podcasters investigating a crime that they’d have no relationship to were it not for their vocation, which I think would be a different list.
Psychological Thrillers About Toxic Romantic Relationships
Tell Me Lies
Hulu // Two seasons // Based on Tell Me Lies by Carola Lovering
(Disney/Josh Stringer)
The centerpiece of this soapy thriller set in 2007 at a fictional upstate New York college is the relationship between Lucy Albright (Grace Van Patten) and her absolutely insufferable and transparently toxic on-again-off-again boyfriend Stephen DeMarco (Jackson White). Lucy’s roommate, Macy, is killed in a car accident her first week of school, setting off a twisty little spiral of events that ensnare their whole social group. We’re also transported back and forth in time to a 2015 wedding between two of Lucy’s college buddies. In Season One, Lucy gets a new roommate, Charlie, who’s a lesbian, and although her stay on the series is brief, (spoiler alert) Lucy’s best friend Pippa also turns out to be queer.
British couple Liv (Coleman) and Will (Jackson-Cohen) appear to have it all — a glamorous life in New York far away from their provincial home town, a widely envied marriage — but it all comes crashing down when Liv learns of Will’s affair with Cara (queer actor Ashley Benson). After coping with heartbreak, Liv moves on to revenge, and plans to execute it on a couples road trip to all the National Parks, only to arrive at Yellowstone and find Cara’s already there. Liv is sexually fluid and her best friend, Ash, is a lesbian with a very obvious crush on Liv.
Still the only television program I’ve found so riveting that I hooked up my phone to my car (not a routine behavior for me in 2017, bear with me here) so I could continue listening to it on my way home from the gym, this objectively bad one-season Netflix show stars Naomi Watts as a psychologist who infiltrates the private lives of her patients. She becomes… entangled with Sidney Pierce (Sophie Cookson), a barista who falls in love with Jean and whose ex-boyfriend is a client of Jean? Also Naomi Watts is married and her husband is Billy Crudup. IDK you’ll have to see for yourself.
Describing the plot of Leopard Skin is both challenging and largely irrelevant, as it is entirely its own beast, a very weird and compelling and erotic mystery about Alba (Carla Gugino), a documentarian whose husband let her for a cocktail waitress named Batty (Gaite Jansen), who Alba now lives with for murder-related reasons, and both of them and their housekeeper are held hostage in their mansion by some diamond thieves. “The show feels a bit as if David Lynch were to try his hand at a softcore Cinemax production,” Kayla wrote.
Netflix // 4+ Seasons // Based on the You series by Caroline Kepnes
The queer content in You is … meager, to say the least. Shay Mitchell plays Peach Salinger in Season One, a rare character who was queerer in the book than the show. Later seasons see our protagonist falling for a woman who has some lesbian besties. There are also some gay male characters. But this has become, for better or for worse, one of the best-known series in the genre, following Joe Goldberg, a bookstore manager who becomes obsessed with the women he loves, manipulating and stalking them into submission — and worse. The fifth and final season is currently in production.
Netflix // One Season (so far) // Based on The Hunting Wivesby May Cobb
Sophie O’Neill’s husband gets a job in East Texas and thus moves his wife and son there from Cambridge. Sophie quickly finds herself pulled deeply into the world of Margo Banks, the queen bee of a tight clique of gun-toting fancy Southern gals who are sugar and spice on the outside but often a little sexually deviant on the inside. Sophie and Margo’s relationship turns sexual pretty quickly, and then there is MURDER
Prime Video // One Season // Based on Shelterby Harlan Coben
I think I’ve watched every televised adaptation of this man’s work (The Stranger, Safe, Fool Me Once, Stay Close, etc), but can’t really remember a single minute of any of them — except this one because it was gay!
Mickey Bolter (Jaden Michael), a teen still recovering from his father’s sudden death, moves in with his aunt in his father’s hometown, and meets a mysterious old woman in a mysterious old house who said his dad isn’t dead. Then he gets a crush on a girl who disappears immediately. These confusing situations and many others in this seemingly picture-perfect town are ripe to be tackled by Mickey and his brand new friends, Spoon (Adrian Greensmith) and queer goth art girl Ema (Abby Corrigan). Honestly what made this series work for me is 90% that it’s really surprisingly gay (keep your eye on Constance Zimmer as Mickey’s aunt!!) and 10% the plot, which has its moments and also has its eye-rolls. Sadly it was cancelled after one season, as so many gay things are.
Peacock // Limited Series // based on Apples Never Fall by Liane Moriarty
Based on the book by Liane Moriarty (of Big Little Lies fame), Stan (Sam Neill) and Joy (Annette Benning) are tennis coaches who’ve sold their school and are prepping for a lovely retirement when Joy disappears, sending her family into TUMULT. All eyes are on Savannah (Georgia Flood), a domestic violence survivor who Joy and Stan had invited to live with them some months earlier who turned out to be full of secrets and lies. Savannah is queer, as is Joy’s youngest daughter, Brooke (Essie Randles), a physical therapist engaged to Gina Solis (Paula Andrea Placido). This show is by all accounts not great, but if you can move past that, it’ll eventually hook you!
Hannah’s (Jennifer Garner) husband disappears — right after his tech company falls under investigation for fraud — thus forcing Hannah to have to find a way to connect with her 16-year-old stepdaughter, Bailey, to figure out the truth about who he really was and where the hell he went. Aisha Tyler plays Hannah’s (lesbian) best friend, a San Francisco Chronicle sports journalist who wants to help her friend — she just has to figure out how to do that and her job.
Murder Mystery Psychological Thrillers
Past Lies
Hulu // One Season
Rita (Elena Anaya from Room in Rome) is a successful lesbian film director who returns to her hometown with her girlfriend to settle her mother’s estate, only to find herself there for an unexpected event: the remains of a high school classmate, who disappeared on their senior trip 25 years ago, turns up. Her high school friend group, still intact and in her hometown, are shaken, and old ghosts come rattling to the surface in more ways than one.
Darby (non-binary actor Emma Corin) is a hacker, author and amateur detective invited to a mysterious and exclusive retreat hosted by a billionaire at an isolated Arctic compound in Iceland in this miniseries from Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij. She’s surprised to see a very close estranged friend at dinner on the first night, and even more surprised to when she finds him killed on their first night at the resort.
Teen Drama Psychological Thrillers
Dare Me
USA // One Season // Based on Dare Me by Megan Abbott
This atmospheric mystery thriller based on the Megan Abbott novel finds a group of cheerleaders entangled in a dark web of lies and mysteries when new coach Colette French (Willa Fitzgerald) takes over the squad, coming between best friends Addy (Herizen F. Guardiola) and Beth (Marlo Kelly). After Addy and Beth catching Colette cheating on her husband with her ex, the dominoes begin to fall. Eventually there is in fact a murder! Kayla writes that Dare Me “dresses up its darkness with glitter, but that mask is very intentional, a piercing juxtaposition of the thrills and terror of high school sports.”
You have to wait until the literal last episode of Season One to really get your gay payoff (and the link above has a gay spoiler in it so be careful!), but this teen thriller is pretty compelling without it. In 1993 in Skylin, Texas, the beautiful, popular Kate Wallis (Olivia Holt) disappears, and socially awkward Jeanette Turner (Chiara Aurelia) manages to take her place, even getting her boyfriend. In 1995, Jeanette is loathed nationwide after Kate is rescued and Jeanette accuses her of witnessing her abduction and failing to report it. A legal battle ensues but the spiral of secrets has only begun to unravel. Harley Quinn Smith plays queer character Mallory, one of Jeanette’s best friends who then becomes Kate’s best friend.
One of Us Is Lying
Peacock // Two Seasons // Based on the One of Us Is Lying series by Karen M. McManus
Based on a buzzy YA thriller, a disparate group of students find themselves under suspicion after online gossip scourge Simon suddenly dies while they’re all in detention. Simon’s best friend, Janae Matthews, is the unlikely outsider who finds her way into this clique, and who comes into her own as queer and non-binary.
This adaptation of the teen horror movie that was an adaptation of a novel rockets the story into present day Hawaii with the same basic conceit but an otherwise very different story. It’s difficult to describe what happens without giving you spoilers, but for our purposes here: there is a bisexual main character played by Brianne Tju and the lead has some …. bisexual qualities.
Comedy-Mystery-Thrillers
Bad Sisters
Apple TV+ // Two seasons
Wry and warm and funny; this Irish series co-starring and co-created by Sharon Hogan finds four sisters trying desperately to kill John Paul, the insufferable, abusive husband of the fifth sister. Sarah Greene plays second-youngest sister Bibi Garvey, a married lesbian who lost her right eye in a car crash. Although we sadly didn’t write a standalone review of its first season, that was not for a lack of love: Bad Sisters easily made our list of the Best TV Shows of 2022, where it was described as a “MASTERPIECE in television.”
Maddie (Inbar Lavi) is a con artist, part of a larger web of similar scammers, who works her way into the romantic lives of men and women before breaking their hearts and stealing all their valuables and money. Then three of her jilted paramours — Ezra, Richie and Jules — find each other and want revenge. “Imposters is a show about love, sort of,” writes Natalie. “It’s about the different ways in which we fall in love and what that love says about us as individuals.”
With the exception of the horror shows listed below, I mostly avoided shows with any supernatural elements for this list because that would be a whole entire other sort of list! But I made an exception for genre-blending satire / thriller / comedy The Other Black Girl. Nella, a young publishing assistant, is the only Black girl at her publishing office and is stoked when a second Black girl is hired. But her relationship with the new girl, while promising at first, eventually turns suspicious. As Nella digs deeper into her employer’s history with Black writers and employees, she discovers a web of sinister secrets. Nella’s queer best friend, Malaika, is the show’s unsung hero.
It’s hard to put this show into any category, and psychological thriller is really only half the story, as is calling it a “comedy.” Aspiring comic Donny Dunn works as a bartender at a pub where he meets Martha, a woman who immediately becomes obsessed with Donny and begins stalking and harassing him. Donny tells us his own story at his own pace, about the sexual abuse and shame around his bisexuality that drives his present despair and anguish. He also dates Teri, a trans woman played by trans actress Nava Mau. “We need more shows like Baby Reindeer,” wrote Drew. “Challenging work that leads with empathy and a commitment to the many contradictions of our world.
Rachel Weisz plays twin gynecologists seeking to revolutionize the way pregnancy and birth are handled in the medical world in “this bloody and horny psychosexual thriller full of body horror, mind games, and sci-fi-ish strangeness.” An adaptation of the 1988 David Cronenberg film, one of the twins is a lesbian, but the other has been known to seduce on her behalf.
Donald Glover’s horror series takes a stab at stan culture through unhinged protagonist Dre (Dominique Fishback) whose passion for Ni’Jah, a pop star with a fan club called “the swarm” drives her into making a series of bananas decisions such as “homicide.” Around mid-season she spends some time with a queer cult led by Billie Eilish.While her queerness is a bit apparent in the start, it’s not fully at the surface until the last episode, which also features a queer graduate student named Rashida (Kiersey Clemons).
Sarah Paulson stars as the titular Nurse Ratched, the antagonist from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, in this thoroughly gay series that “takes the original film’s backdrop of queerness and splatters it on the screen in blood.” As Drew writes: “There is so much to chew on, so much to celebrate, so much to critique, and yet the whole thing feels so completely Ryan Murphy it’s hard not to just delight in its very existence.”
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Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.
Such good recommendations. I think I am the rare lesbian who really liked YOU……
I’m a big fan of Bad Sisters as well. Hope to see more coverage of it.
Thanks!
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my favorite kind of gay tv!!!!! (fucked up gay tv)
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Ooo definitely adding some of these to my to-watch list. Also re-reminder that gypsy exists and how utterly rivetting it was. Also throwing a bone to mare of easttown, which my partner and I devoured that I think also sort of fits the vibe of this list? Kate Winslet I think about your clearly bisexual swagger weekly
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Is Shortening My Maternity Leave The Craziest Most Late Capitalist Idea You’ve Ever Heard?
Q
I am really grateful that my office is giving me 16 weeks maternity leave, but it’s a small org and they won’t be hiring anyone to do my work while I’m gone, it is my understanding that they can’t afford to because of current financial situations in the world that impact the kind of work i do. I feel really awful because I’ve become close friends with my co-workers and I know they will have to do my work while I’m gone. I feel so anxious about this that I am considering going back early, but my wife thinks that this is the “craziest, most late capitalist idea” she has ever heard. I work from home and my partner has 6 months leave, so our child won’t be without care. Is this the craziest, most late capitalist idea you’ve ever heard?
A
Valerie: My answer is somewhere in the middle; I’m not going to recommend doing it, but not because I think it’s the “craziest, most late capitalist idea” I’ve ever heard. It’s very kind of you to be worried about your coworkers, and I understand, I do…but it’s not your responsibility to go back early. It’s your job’s responsibility to accommodate this leave and ensure the work is delegated appropriately. Since you said you work from home, I assume you’re not a heart surgeon or something else that is literally life and death, so the work will either get done or it won’t, but for those 16 weeks, your family is your only priority, not the job. You’ll be doing yourself, your baby, your wife, and your co-workers more of a service to take the time, recover from what will be the stark transition of adding a whole human baby to your daily life, and adjust to your new sleep schedule (or lack thereof) for the first few months. I know this is easier said than done, but I also do believe that a) once the baby actually arrives, you will feel differently about when you want to go back to work, and b) those 16 weeks will fly by for both you and your coworkers. The company would not offer 16 weeks of maternity leave if they were not able to provide 16 weeks of maternity leave; and if they aren’t able, that’s on their poor planning, not on you. You also don’t want to set a precedent! If it helps you to consider others more than yourself, think of it this way: if you come back early from maternity leave, what if that sets the expectation for your next coworker who goes on maternity leave to come back early? What if it becomes an unwritten rule that people aren’t supposed to take the full 16 weeks offered? Or worse, what if it makes them shorten the policy altogether? So really you’ll be HELPING your coworkers by taking the entire leave; I promise they’ll understand (at least, anyone worth anything will) and they’ll just be that much happier to see you when you do come back to reclaim your responsibilities.
Sa’iyda: It’s not the “craziest, most late capitalist idea,” but it is a VERY BAD IDEA. As someone who has given birth, you need all 16 of those weeks to recover. Heck, I’d argue that’s not even enough to be fully recovered, but it’s a good place to start. The first 12 weeks after you give birth are what has come to be known as the fourth trimester, when your body is still figuring out that the baby is on the outside and not still inside of you. There are so many hormonal fluctuations happening as your body readjusts! You will likely still be bleeding and recovering from whatever birth you have. And then you’re adjusting to a whole person who depends on you every single minute of the day. There is no guarantee that the baby will have any sort of solid sleep schedule during that time, and you will be exhausted. You shouldn’t be working through that early brain fog; it’s horrible. It’s really important for everyone: you, your partner, your cute little baby, and all of your coworkers, that you take the full amount of time to heal that you can. Going back early isn’t a guarantee that you will be back at full capacity, which could put more pressure on your coworkers to pick up the slack. That’s not doing them any favors, right? So, take your 16 weeks, rest, recharge, and go back feeling as refreshed as you possibly can with a tiny baby around, okay?
Summer: My opinion isn’t as sharply-worded as your wife’s, but it’s in the same postal code.
You’re legally (and IMO morally) entitled to maternity leave. Your business operates with an understanding that maternity leave is a possibility in its workforce. Sometimes, the way it plays out is that others have to pick up work due to unfortunate circumstances. You were given your maternity leave despite that possibility. I don’t think anyone there has legal or moral grounds to oppose the interest in caring for a new human being.
Maternity leave isn’t just for the well-being of the child. It’s mostly to their benefit, yeah. But it’s also there for the parents. It’s there to allow a family to adapt and share time together during a critical and stressful period of a child’s existence. It gives parents the space needed to cultivate parental routines and skills. It keeps more hands on deck for emergencies during the difficult earliest years of childhood. It gives the child time to bond with their parents.
I don’t think you’re a better or worse person for taking either option you’ve been presented with. But I will ask you to not just view this as the cost of taking leave versus working for your teammates, and see this as… a weighing of costs between helping your office team or potentially setting back your parental development, your child’s access to their parent at a crucial time, and your wife’s need for support and company. There’s a lot more riding this than a child’s essential care needs.
Riese: I know people are always telling new parents how they are going to feel about things but I feel like there is a 95% chance that the moment your leave begins, any whisper of wanting to go back early will vanish from your mind immediately. I also work at a small company and my co-workers, also some of my best friends, would not have abided me coming back to work early, I suspect your co-workers are in the same camp.
Kayla: Yeah, just confirming that if Riese had tried to come back from her leave early, I would have threatened her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m Worried My Girlfriend Won’t Be Making Out With As Many People As Me
Q
My girlfriend-wife-to-be and I are sexually and emotionally monogamous. However, I like to make out with other people for fun if we’re out and it happens or at a queer event or something. This was also the case before we seriously dated and I made out with both her and other people at the same event. We’ve discussed this at length and in depth and have decided we are both okay with the other person doing this since we are so secure in this relationship and sometimes you just wanna kiss a hot stranger. However, she has had fewer queer and casual experiences so has never made out with a random person at a bar whereas as I have many times. She also has low self esteem and isn’t used to other people perceiving her or thinking she’s hot. I want us to both be able to have fun and make out with hot people and then only go home together. In theory we both agree with this but I’m worried that if I make out with people and she doesn’t she’ll just feel worse and left out which is the last thing I want but I also don’t want to not make out with people because of that or make her feel like she’s preventing me from having fun. I also fantasize about other people alot but I know I don’t actually want to have sex or a relationship with someone other than her but I love the attention and validation from other people. Have any of you ever been in a relationship with any similarities and if you ever felt like the shy or less confident partner how did your partner’s confident or flirty behavior make you feel?
A
Summer: Yeah, this describes some of the earlier years of my current relationship. It’s non-monogamous and always has been. But I proverbially put myself out there and chased people more often and she’s more of a homebody. We had plenty of discussions over a perceived ‘imbalance’ in how we engage with non-monogamy. My main take-away from this experience was that if your communication is robust, you can take your partner’s word at its meaning and proceed. And if your communication is robust, your partner will tell (or show) you that something is uncomfortable.
Non-monogamy is rarely indulged in a completely equal capacity. Very few relationships only play non-monogamously if everyone does the exact same thing to the same frequency. Relationships are made up of people and we tend to have differing sexual needs, appetites, and interests. The things we get out of sexual contact may not make sense to our partners, or something our partner finds uninteresting might be our fave. People are a diverse lot. As far as I can tell, if you trust your girlfriend’s word, then you can do what you’ve both agreed to.
Kayla: Yeah, I think communication can fill any perceived “gaps” between the way y’all experience and practice your particular arrangement. If she’s telling you she’s fine with it, you have to take her word for it! And if it turns out she’s not being emotionally honest with you, well, that’s on her to adjust. If she struggles with low self esteem or confidence, it’s worth seeing if there are things you could be doing that could make her feel better —quite possibly those things might have nothing to do with you making out with other people. Maybe she just wants more compliments or something! You could just be projecting by thinking your makeout sessions are impacting her self-esteem, so check in.
Riese: I have been in similar situations — not where I was necessarily the less confident one, but where there was some open-ness in the relationship and I was the one who was less outgoing and charming and also (if we are being honest) less likely to have people be attracted to me — and there can definitely be potential for tension there! But in one of those relationships I felt insecure and upset and in the other I did not, and the difference was the latter person made me feel adored and loved, like I was the most important and hottest person in the room to her, no matter what else she was up to, and I felt comfortable communicating my feelings with her. I simply never doubted that I was the one she was with, you know? I don’t think these actions (kissing other people or not) are really what makes someone feel solid and secure, it’s about the energy and love and security you radiate the rest of the time.
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Q1- I completely agree with everything said here – take that maternity leave!! I also wanted to offer an alternative solution (but I’m not a parent, so take this with a big grain of salt!) At my org we also have 16 weeks maternity leave, but it’s given as a lump sum so it doesn’t necessarily all have to be used at once; it can be taken at any time during that first year. Several of my coworkers have used the first 12 weeks after the baby is born, and then taken a month off later in the year once their partner has gone back to work to help with that transition and cover another month of childcare.
If your org allows something like this, I wonder if that could be a good compromise – still taking all of your leave (!!!) but spreading it out a bit. Ultimately though, of ALL the times in life to look after yourself, this is the time! Protect yourself & your wife and your health and your sanity and your new little baby. Do what YOU gotta do & your work can figure it out.
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yeah that’s what i’m doing also actually! i took 6 weeks after jude was born, and then i’m taking another 6 starting mid-next-month, after my wife’s leave ends.
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I was going to suggest the same thing as the previous comment. A lot of my co-workers have split their time as well. Then taking the second half when their other half’s leave is over. Most of them didn’t come back cause they felt bad for the rest of us. They came back cause they needed to get out of the house and talk to adults. Heard it too many times.
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For Q1, as someone who had a baby and went back to work part time after about 12 weeks, I’m of two minds. One is what MJ noted, which is that everyone is different, and you may absolutely feel like you want to go back before 16 weeks for the sake of interacting with other adults (or may at least feel a mix of wanting to and not wanting to). So if B’s suggestion is possible at your company then that probably makes sense to at least talk about with your wife as an option.
The second, though, is to point out that caring for a 12-16 week old baby is incredibly overwhelming and exhausting. So I want to point out that the difference it will make for your wife to have you at home will be vastly bigger than the difference having you at work will make for your coworkers. (And yes, I understand you said you work from home, so you will literally be home either way, but that is not the same thing as being completely focused on your family.)
Also, just a quick comment: I don’t see anything in the posted letter than says you’re the birthing parent, but that seems to be assumed in a lot of the advice. Maybe it was trimmed from the letter for space, but I just want to emphasize that the importance of intentionally priorizing your wife and kid over the needs of your coworkers is at least as important (maybe more important) if you aren’t the one giving birth.
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For question one, welcome to parenthood! I’ve found that guilt is the main emotion of being a parent – guilt about not doing enough for the kid, guilt about prioritising my new family over my parents and siblings, guilt about not being able to do everything I used to at work, guilt about friendships fading away, guilt about weeks passing and having nothing solid to show from it etc etc. And of course all the guilt is misplaced because one person can’t do or be everything.
To take a step back, I do think it’s very hard to switch from working where meeting targets is deemed important, to unpaid labour in the home where you don’t get achievements you can tick off in the same way. And because up to the point of having this sudden break, in school and work, it’s always been about achieving a goal, a task, a grade, it can feel like those achievements were who you are, and if you no longer get that, then it can be hard to know where the edges of you are now. So I can really understand why you might be, on some level, worried about all that big picture stuff, or applying the parameters of your old life to this new one and coming up with a very different solution to your wife. Of course some people want to be defined by their career and that’s ok too – there’s also no shame in choosing paid work over unpaid childcare if it turns out that’s what makes you feel good. But if you’re choosing between feeling guilt about letting down colleagues and guilt about letting down your wife and child then it does feel like there’s a clear answer.
And I’m sorry to report that the guilt doesn’t end. However hopefully, if you take the 16 weeks off, you may find the world didn’t end while you were prioritising your new family, and if you’re able to really take that on board, it might free you from some of the guilt you’re feeling right now.
Have you watched The Hunting Wivesyet? I intend to ask this exact question in any social gathering I’m in for the foreseeable future. For the uninitiated, The Hunting Wives is a new Netflix thriller series about a bunch of Republican women in Texas who are fucking each other, and Brittany Snow as a northern outsider who enters their circle mainly due to lesbian reasons. It’s full of boots, bisexuality, booze, and…I can’t think of an alliterative synonym for murder, but there’s that too. To use a few more b-words, it’s bonkers and, furthermore, bananas. Everyone should watch it.
We published a full review, but if you’re still not sold, consider this: 16 stray thoughts I had while watching The Hunting Wives. This is not EVERY thought I had while watching The Hunting Wives, because that would yield a manifesto-length article. So please meet me in the comments when you’ve watched all eight episodes because I’m sure I have MORE I WANT TO SAY. (And on that note, there are spoilers for all eight episodes below.)
1.Why is she asking to borrow a pad when she’s in her own home?
I know Riese already covered this in her review, but it bears repeating.
2.They sure are talking about each other’s boobs a lot.
3. WHY ARE THE MARGARITAS THAT COLOR?
Again, covered by Riese but worth repeating. This was especially upsetting to my wife, who kept saying it looked like ectocooler.
4. This show would have ruined my life in 2011.
On that note, this show would have blown up on tumblr.
5. BODY SHOTS?
6. Brittany Snow with her specific blonde white woman appearance could easily look Southern but she indeed does look like she’s from Boston, and I have a theory. I think it’s because of the nondescript length of her hair. It would need to be much shorter or much longer to make her look Texan.
7. The least realistic part of this show is the idea that someone could learn to drive stick for the first time and then be doing donuts in the parking lot five seconds later.
8. Did they purposefully make Sophie’s husband annoying but not evil so we would not be too mad about her cheating on him but also still buy that she would be with him?
Sorry, I don’t feel like including a photo of him.
9. HEIGHT. DIFFERENCE.
10. I would also have a panic attack if I realized I was horny for a Republican.
11. Forget all the explicit sex. The kinkiest moment on this show is Sophie masturbating in the middle of the day on her couch just to regular Instagram selfies of Margo.
12. Katie Lowes actually deserves awards for her performance on this show.
13. DIRECTED BY CHERYL DUNYE????????
Yes, episodes five and six of The Hunting Wives were directed by Cheryl Dunye. This is the most shocking twist of the entire series.
14. Between post-Margo Callie and post-Margo Sophie…this series’ depiction of the Dyke Crashout is unparalleled.
15. “Flashback hair” is one of my favorite TV tropes.
Pink low lights! Barrel curls! These two women were Different People in 2014, and you can tell by their hair.
16. Sometimes you sleep with a woman who then frames you for murder but she says she’s really sorry so you keep on sleeping with her, you know? This show gets that. And representation is important.
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.
I don’t want to watch this series, but gay Jaime Ray Newman.
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yes the stick shift thing was INSANE, i’ve been taught to drive stick three (3) times and never did any of those times result in me being able to do literally anything, barely could i drive down the road or back out of a driveway after my stick lessons
i thought there would be a twist with the husband because i was like; what’s going on with this man? you know? like he seems vaguely controlling but you’re not entirely sure, apparently in the book he was a sweetheart?
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I feel like this show is being sold incorrectly by comparing it to Big Little Lies and such. This is not prestige HBO television, the beating heart of The Hunting Wives is that it is what would happen if the Pretty Little Liars creative team (a stacked deck of TV veteran dykes and cinematic icon dykes) made their show about middle-aged MAGA Texans instead of teens in Pennsylvania, and didn’t have to concern themselves with being rated PG-14.
Like Margo Banks? Nawwww babe, that is Alison DiLaurentis!
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The wigs. The wigs! The wiiiiiiigs!! Could they not have spent more money on the wigs? Also, I am so happy they did not spend more money on the wigs.
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The wigs were ridiculous!
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May I suggest “bonking” as your alliterative euphemism for murder? It has the bonus of possibly being a sex joke as well
If you were to close your eyes and picture an image associated with the word “porn,” what comes to mind? Pizza delivery guy tropes are surely outdated by now, but what we likely haven’t outgrown are blonde women with their backs arched or white penises attached to faceless bodies. A lot might be missing from our internal definitions of what porn is: conversations about consent or barrier methods, body types that remotely resemble average Americans, clitorises as a whole — and, of course, queer sex. If you’re queer and reading this, was the picture that popped into your mind actually reflective of the sex you have?
Media as a whole has made significant strides as far as queer representation, with almost equally significant backlash. Gay love stories like Heartstopper are widely available to stream. Victoria’s Secret had a trans model at last year’s fashion show. Artists like Chappell Roan top the charts with unashamed queer anthems. But mainstream porn still trails behind. I spoke with founders and specialists in the ethical porn space to discuss how they navigate bringing something new, inclusive, and beautifully queer to a contentious industry, one that remains foundational to how we understand ourselves as sexual beings, for better or worse.
What Is Ethical Porn?
You may have heard the term “ethical porn” before. It might seem simple on its face, but in truth there are ethical considerations from hiring, to production, to storylines, to distribution. The gold standard looks something like this: On the hiring front, consumers deserve to see diversity among those engaging in pleasurable acts and to be able to picture pleasure for themselves. On the production side, consumers deserve transparency about whether or not performers are paid and treated fairly and can safely revoke consent at any point during filming. In terms of storylines, films should display conversations during sex that could make porn more realistic and destigmatize boundary-setting in our real lives. And in regards to distribution, charging for porn just makes sense. I mean, you wouldn’t expect Netflix for free, right?
What Does Queer Inclusion Look Like?
If a tenet of ethical porn is inclusion, it tracks that ethical producers are leading the way in expanding access to queer content. Queer inclusion, though, demands more than just displaying queer sex. As Sara Brown, a queer adult industry specialist and the Communications Manager at Lustery shares: “Queer-inclusive porn reflects the widest spectrum possible of queer desire, in ways that feel authentic rather than tokenized.”
Tokenized is the key word here, and the line between inclusion and tokenization is not actually as thin as it may seem. The difference is authenticity and conscious thought toward the question of who was this content made for? “Queer inclusive porn tells real stories from real people, not just fantasies filtered through the male gaze,” says Lily Sparks, the founder and CEO of afterglow, a porn platform specifically built for women, many of whom identify as queer. “So much ‘lesbian’ porn is actually created for straight men. We’re interested in what happens when the camera is handed back to the people who actually live these experiences.”
For these companies, including queer performers and performances also requires considering queer viewers rather than following the popular path of formatting media solely for cisgender-heterosexual men.
Why Choose To Include It?
Every representative I spoke with made it clear: Queer inclusion isn’t a trend or a box to be checked off in order to meet a standard of diversity. For most, authenticity is a part of their mission statement, and queer porn has been a part of that from the outset. Queer sex happens in real life, and ethical porn seeks to depict realistic sex. Make Love Not Porn was founded by Cindy Gallop, who would describe the platform as human-curated, social sex videosharing rather than porn. If porn sets are comparable to Hollywood films, MLNP is the documentary, a different approach to sexual content that people may masturbate to as well. Their mission centers on showcasing actual sex that reflects the real world. “My tiny but mighty MakeLoveNotPorn team has more queer than straight members,” Cindy says. “The whole team is committed to ensuring the inclusion of queer real world sex on our platform.”
Queer creators, performers, and members of production and distribution teams may feel more drawn toward work that is ethics-forward, rather than how mainstream porn has historically been. But beyond avoiding harm, these teams see queer porn as something celebratory, a joyful affirmation of queerness itself.
Perhaps not a motivation to include queer content but rather a glorious byproduct is that straight audiences can benefit as well. From Cindy’s Make Love Not Porn, which operates in the mass market, to Lily’s afterglow, which centers women and their partners, each interviewee noted queer content is for everyone. Lily cited the statistic that even among straight women, “lesbian” is consistently one of the most searched terms in porn. Cindy adds: “I believe that having the opportunity to see queer love in action can be transformative of others’ worldviews, encouraging more open-mindedness.”
Sex, porn, and queerness are inherently politicized. People fear, criminalize and pathologize what they don’t know or understand. Offering straight audiences a glimpse of real, queer sex dissolves some of the mystery about what goes on behind closed doors and normalizes queer sex broadly.
How Do Audiences Feel?
As expected, there’s no shortage of feedback from queer consumers thrilled to finally see themselves represented. But what stood out most were the stories of those who learned something deeper about themselves through watching queer adult content. Cindy tells me of a woman who left a comment reading: “Thank you for this video. I came out last year as a lesbian, after hiding it for 25 years, and I had never had sex before in my life. Seeing your video helped me see how to make love to a woman.”
In a society with inadequate sex education, research shows that 60% of youth look to porn to learn more about sex. Queer sex education is particularly under attack, with only 17 states offering LGBTQ+ inclusive curriculums and the constant, looming threat of another “Don’t Say Gay” bill. Adults aren’t that much better off. It’s not as if we turn 18 and are magically bestowed with all of the information we’ll need about sex. If online sexual content is acting as de facto sex education — or at the very least offering video tutorials — queer porn is about more than representation. Queer porn offers an answer to what sex even looks like beyond “penis-in-vagina” or what terms like “topping,” “bottoming,” or “outercourse” mean in practice.
The Impact on Mainstream Porn
But what of the porn industry as a whole? As essential as it is to amplify the work of smaller companies, often overshadowed by tube sites, queer folks deserve representation broadly. Unfortunately within mainstream porn, fetishism remains a major barrier to meaningful visibility for queer folks, especially lesbians and trans people. Lily Sparks puts it plainly: Though searches for queer terms on these sites are increasing, strides in progress must also take into account that “queer and trans bodies are too often packaged as objects of thrill instead of being shown as fully realized human beings.”
Lustery’s Sara Brown echoed this, noting a specific shift within the industry. “On the one hand, more queer creators are building their platforms and challenging outdated industry norms. Representation is growing; conversations are shifting,” she explains. “On the other hand, online algorithms and a dangerous wave of legislation and tech policy constantly threatens that progress. Over 20 US states have introduced or passed age verification laws requiring users to submit government IDs to access adult content. While framed as protective, these laws often force platforms to either invest in costly compliance systems or geoblock access entirely, hurting smaller, independent platforms and the queer creators who rely on them to share and monetize their work.”
I’d heard rumblings before that people in the industry largely oppose age verification laws. Why oppose them when, on the surface, they seem like a good thing? Many of us can recall coming across porn long before adulthood; it makes sense that we would strategize around keeping future generations from the same fate. Sara’s insights prompted me to dig deeper into the issue. As it turns out, in requiring an ID to access porn, we risk data privacy and may push some consumers to search in less-regulated corners of the internet. PornHub has even opted out altogether from age verification processes after laws were passed in Texas and Florida and proposed in other states, disabling access altogether. Age verification laws act as an ineffective bandaid, where the antidote to youth porn consumption would simply be teaching porn literacy and internet safety in sex education.
Sara points to even broader threats. “At the federal level, the recently proposed Interstate Obscenity Definition Act (IODA), for example, aims to redefine ‘obscenity’ so broadly that even the plenty of consensual queer and kink content we have featured in Lustery could be criminalized. Because queer sex is often viewed through a stigmatized lens, it’s often the first to be flagged, removed, censored, or demonetized under these vague, morality-driven rules — and that’s especially dangerous when it’s backed by law.”
Then there’s the algorithmic bias that’s been quietly undermining creators for years. Inequalities and vague rules within content moderation mean queer sex is more likely to be censored, with queer creators shadowbanned and deplatformed, often without clear explanations or pathways to appeal.
The best hope for queer porn, at this moment, lies with independent platforms and filmmakers. In the face of changing policy, they continue to show up. They don’t just survive in this hostile landscape — they create community, offer visibility, and remind us sex is as diverse as the people who have it.
“When you center the voices and experiences of queer people,” Lily says, “audiences don’t just click — they stay, they engage, and they feel seen.”
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Tara Michaela is a Black, queer sex educator based in Philadelphia and New York. She is the founder of The Youth Sexpert Program, a non-profit training program that aims to provide comprehensive sex education for teenagers, so they can become their community's sexual health expert. Her work focuses primarily on how injustice manifests in sexual interactions. She uses her social media platforms and written pieces to connect with her community on these issues.
Sex/Lifeis a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. We send them nosey questions, they record themselves answering them, and we transcribe that conversation for all of us to enjoy. All names have been changed and any identifying details removed.
Midwesterners Hazel (32) and Jourdan (29) live apart and have been fucking for a little over a year. Hazel’s pansexual, practices solo polyamory and is a plant scientist who liked crafting and basketball. Jourdan is also solo poly but currently only dating Hazel. They’re a project manager who likes reading, DnD, and biking.
And this is how they fuck.
What was your sex life like when you first started dating? How is it different from now?
Jourdan: We’ve been together a year. I feel like it’s still pretty similar — it’s still frequent.
Hazel: There was the time crunch stress of the sex in the beginning, but that is no longer applicable.
Jourdan: That’s eased. It’s not like every time that we see each other, but if we have the time and space for it and no other plans that are getting in the way—
Hazel: Still the same amount of time though, really. I mean, what was it today?
Jourdan: Time spent? Good two hour minimum. 2-4 hours.
Hazel: In the beginning we just didn’t have as much time actually together, so it was crunched and stressful.
Jourdan: It was intense, but in a stressful, scarcity way, whereas now it’s intense in a “we’ve got all day” way.
If you do not live together, talk to us about why you’ve made that decision and how it has impacted your sex life.
Jourdan: We don’t live together currently because we haven’t been dating long enough for that to really be the best option.
Hazel: I bike over to your place.
Jourdan: There’s a bit more planning involved, I guess, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I like the intentionality of it. If you live together, it’s a given, and there’s a risk of bed death or the assumption of fucking because you’re around each other more often. This is more intentional — planning it, but not in a scheduled, clinical way.
Do we have a top-bottom dynamic? Talk about that.
Jourdan: Yes. Yes, we do. Yeah.
Hazel: It’s new to us. We both come from top areas.
Jourdan: Top dominant.
Hazel: Both of us were tops before this relationship. Let’s say that.
Jourdan: Both toppy-leaning switches and very comfortable in those roles —but also —well, it wasn’t like i was tired of it. But it’s nice to be with someone who’s also a switch, leaning dominant, so I can explore being submissive.
Hazel: Right, because it doesn’t feel natural to be submissive for someone who you don’t necessarily trust to be a top.
Jourdan: It’s not a role that comes naturally to me, so there’s a lot of trust and vulnerability built into it, but also I need to really believe it. Right? If you’re going to top me, top me. I don’t wanna have to convince myself, I need to be convinced. So being with someone who tops me is refreshing, fun and hot. Currently I’m in the top role more often, which has been fun.
It’s brought up a lot of good conversations around the balance of that dynamic —aftercare, drop, emotional needs over the week following and vulnerabilities that I never anticipated coming up from these things. We come out with a lot of closeness, from how we lean on each other afterwards.
Hazel: Just exploring in general, getting to know myself through the dynamic —it’s great.
Do you feel like your sex drives are well matched?
Hazel: Yes.
Jourdan: Yes! And when they fluctuate, which naturally they do, there’s conversation around it and adjustment. If you’re really feeling it and I’m not, there’s ways to accommodate for that. I can be a more passive participant in some ways. If I don’t want to be touched, but you do, there are multiple ways to make that happen that’s comfortable.
Hazel: Absolutely.
Jourdan: Or if one of us are on our periods, there’s toys, other options. We’ve never ran into a long stretch of one being more into it than the other.
Hazel: I think also living separate, back to that question—
Jourdan: I was thinking that too.
Hazel: I’ll just choose to stay home !
Jourdan: Right, I just won’t see you. There’s usually a heads up ahead of time. If we have plans and if we’ve kind of been talking a certain way throughout the day or the week, and then it’s day of and one of us isn’t feeling it, we say so before we get together.
Are there specific things you like to do during sex? Things you don’t like to do?
Jourdan: Oh, there’s such a range of things that we like to do.
Hazel: Things we don’t like to do?
Jourdan: That’s a shorter list! I don’t like penetration. It’s painful for me and it’s something that I’ve been more recently wanting to explore, but it’s a very slow, very” vulnerable in a scary way” process, but no rushing there. I don’t like anything that’s too hard. My body’s very sensitive, so I don’t receive rough play, but I like to give it.
Hazel: It’s really hard to think of things that I don’t like at all.
Jourdan: We’ve been not like.. tiptoeing into a DS top-bottom, kinkier, rougher dynamic? We haven’t come up against anything that we don’t enjoy because we have the conversations before. If one of us is interested, the other’s usually down to try it.
As for what I like: a nice combination of sensual and inanimate, but also like —rough and more in the aggressive side of things. Just finding that deep connection of being with someone I love deeply and also causing a bit of pain and suffering and etc.
[laughing]
Hazel: Good kisses. Real good.
Jourdan: I like exploring other types of touch. It’s not just fucking, and it’s not just touching areas that are generally erotic. It’s like —how does fingernails down your shoulder feel? Kisses along your stomach or your hips or the back of your thighs? How does that feel?
Jourdan: That’s usually what I focus on. Like — anyone can fuck, right? Typically.
[laughter]
Hazel: I suppose?
Jourdan: Like anyone can do sex at its base — penetrative or touching or mouths or whatever. But it’s the extra stuff that’s more of my focus, I think? That adds to the very basic act.
Hazel: The soft touches, the in-between.
Jourdan: The in-between!
Hazel: It’s good. It’s important stuff. What do I like? I’ve been enjoying rougher play. That’s been really interesting. Spanked for the first time recently. That was good.
Jourdan: That was goooood.
[more laughter]
Hazel: Very sensual touches are great. Sensual turned into firm. I’ve been really liking the talk that you’ve been doing—
Jourdan: Oooo, okay! Good feedback.
Hazel: You’re good at talking.
Jourdan: Good with my words. Good with my hands.
Hazel: Yes.
Jourdan: That’s what I’m learning!
[laughing]
Hazel: Yeah. Yeah, you’re learning.
Jourdan: I had no idea before this!
What are some things you’d like to try or try again?
Hazel: What didn’t we get to on our spirit week?
Jourdan: E-stim! We did not do e-stim, electrical simulation.
Hazel: Just sitting there.
Jourdan: It’s just sitting there collecting dust! It’s been a couple months.
Hazel: We need to use that.
Jourdan: It’s just such a messy process. All the lube!
Hazel: That’s true.
Jourdan: The towels! You need to plan for it. Definitely interested in exploring some light impact, more spanking, combining that with sensual touches and teasing in between, the play of hard and soft, building tension. More bondage.
Hazel: A third.
Jourdan: A third!
Hazel: A fourth?
Jourdan: Or more, yeah. We’re trying! Passively trying, not putting a whole lot of effort into it.
Hazel: Humiliation is an interesting one we’ve touched on.
Jourdan: Touched on —a whisper.
Hazel: Like, that’s interesting?
Jourdan: We’ve had conversations around humiliation.
Hazel: In different ways.
Jourdan: And how to not go into degradation, which is more intense to me. Talked about water sports —still figuring out how serious that one is! That’s degradation play though, so that’s quite a ways! I think just continuing to explore different kinks, different BDSM power play dynamics. More toys. Different toys or straps. Different straps. Different vibrators. Adding to our split custody collection.
How important are orgasms to your sex life?
Jourdan: It’s like a bonus?
Hazel: It’s important to me. We always aim for it, and it’s pretty infrequent that we have sex and one or both of us don’t orgasm.
Jourdan: It’s not critical or doesn’t count if no one comes, but more —the sex is already so good and the orgasms are so good that for me —I just want the orgasm too.
[laughs]
Hazel: Yeah, greedy!
Jourdan: Depending on what the reason is; if I just can’t do it, I’m frustrated with myself and my own body, and dissipating the built-up tension is hard to ease out of, being irritable or extra sensitive. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. I know the trade-off of calling it early is that it’s fine, doable, but a different night. Using different toys have helped if hands and oral aren’t doing it.
Hazel: You’ve got your toy that will pretty much always—
Jourdan: That toy can make anyone cum.
Hazel: Clit or not.
Jourdan: It doesn’t matter.
Hazel: So we can turn to that just to go to sleep.
Jourdan: What about for you? What are your thoughts on this?
Hazel: I cum so easily that if I’m not coming, something’s wrong.
Jourdan: I could look at you and it’s done.
Hazel: I love when you ask me if I can cum again.
Jourdan: I usually tell you you’re going to.
Hazel: Yes.
Jourdan: No, I ask! I ask. Even if I’m telling you, it’s still an ask. I think if it’s not working, we’re good at adjusting.
Hazel: We try our best not to take it personally.
Jourdan: With queer people —we just have toys. If you have two people with vaginas, there’s more than likely toys, but there’s heteronormative shame around “my partner can’t make me finish,” and it’s feels not good to ask to use a toy, like it’s saying “i’m not capable of doing this.” Which technically, yeah, that’s exactly what it is — but there’s this guilt or negativity around it. We’re trying to remove that stigma, but it’s tricky. That’s what I’m working to get over.
Hazel: I mean you look fantastic cumming.
Jourdan: I want to cum and go to sleep.
Hazel: Yeah. So I mean, my hands, I’m free to look around.
Jourdan: I can touch other things.
Hazel: There’s more new ways to enjoy that moment.
Jourdan: It’s led us to explore other ways that we can use toys— us both touching ourselves. It opens up the door for other play.
What role does masturbation play in your sex life individually?
Hazel: You were just talking about this, how you opened your voice memos and there’s all these ones we sent each other. But we don’t do that as much anymore, masturbating and sending each other—
Jourdan: Evidence of.
Hazel: Yeah.
Jourdan: I think I’m still touching myself the same amount. I’m just not sending you anything. It’s like 10 minutes midday between this thing and another thing, or 11:30 and I’m desperate for sleep. And i tell you about it.
Hazel: Yeah. There’s telling me though.
Jourdan: There is, yeah.
Hazel: It plays that role.
Jourdan: It’s a fun flirty thing. We play with the power dynamic of you telling me if I’m allowed to touch myself or not. But if I feel like it, I will. Sometimes I like to make myself wait until I get to be with you instead.
Hazel: I think I don’t necessarily tell you. I should do it sometimes.
Jourdan: You’ve told me after the fact.
Hazel: Yeah, but like —weeks later.
Jourdan: It’s like a delightful surprise. You’re like, “oh, yeah, I touched myself twice two nights ago,” and I’m like, “you what? Why didn’t you call me?”
Hazel: I like to do it in weird places, and I just forget.
Jourdan: No, no. I love it. I love it. It’s so fun to hear about it later.
Hazel: I think we started taking more videos and different things like that, and that’s been great for masturbating.
Jourdan: More videos, more photos separately and together. The voice memos were older — you’d be on the way to work, in the car. Now we’re more comfortable to send photos or videos, or make them together.
Wait, tell us about your favorite most memorable time you’ve had sex together.
Jourdan: Oh fuck, there’s so many! I have a lot of memories of my old apartment with the sun coming through those orange curtains. This was early days, summer, hot—
Hazel: Very hot. Sweaty, yes.
Jourdan: Sweaty, but honestly just feeling evenly matched in the bedroom for the first time and just being able to explore in a way that didn’t feel performative. It didn’t feel like I had to make up for somebody else’s kind of—
Hazel: Encourage them.
Jourdan: No shade to pillow princesses— it’s just not the dynamic that I prefer, so I wasn’t trying to make up for someone else’s kind of lack of involvement, but just to feel synced up and explore with a new person, but also feeling like it finally fit.
Hazel: I don’t know that I could point to a particular one, but there’s a feeling. We’ve had it I’m sure multiple times where it’s just dizzying and the room is foggy. Right?
Jourdan: Yes, yes.
Hazel: It’s fantastic— just in the ether floating.
Jourdan: Similar to the summer memories it feels like this hazy, golden-hour twilight, an in-between liminal space. Everything’s soft around the edges. Nothing matters besides just what we’re doing and being together. Also, Traverse City.
Hazel: Oh, Traverse City!
Jourdan: Fantastic sex. That was fantastic. It was good conversations—
Hazel: Out of town sex.
Jourdan: Lots of foreplay-type conversations, talking about different kinks and fantasies, having good sex in someone else’s Air BnB bed.
Hazel: I feel like we should mention what spirit week is.
Jourdan: Spirit week came about because we had a lot of things that we wanted to try that would require some planning ahead. We needed a block of time and certain toys and one space or another. One of us — probably me —said “we’ll just have one theme per day, like a spirit week.” Then we did exactly that. We blocked out a week on our calendars, timed it after both our periods were done, and had a different theme every day.
Hazel: Different little kinks.
Jourdan: It was hectic in the best way. Some of them we skipped, ‘cause we were like “I actually don’t have the energy for this today.” Monday was Managed Monday? which is like a very aggressive, managed—
Hazel: Managed Monday. That’s right.
Jourdan: Tuesday was?
Hazel: Tied Tuesday?
Jourdan: Then we shifted it. Tender Tuesday? We only had an hour, hour and a half together, and Monday was so intense that I just needed calm touches and softness. Wicked Wednesday? I think we skipped that one though. I don’t think we fucked that day. So sometimes we skipped them or paused until later. It was just a silly stupid week that made it exciting —nice having something to look forward to, the intentionality around it and exploring things we wanted to do but didn’t have the time or energy or the right toys.
Hazel: The intention really built the excitement.
Jourdan: It’s so fun. Highly recommend it. We need to do an annual spirit week or something.
Hazel: New kinks each time.
Jourdan: Honestly!
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
A series that gives readers a backstage pass into the sex lives of queer couples (and throuples, polycules, etc) around the world. To share your own story, email [email protected].
From time to time, we as a people (lesbians) have been known to passively enjoy a psychological thriller based on a Hudson News bestselling novel in which the sexual tension between this or that pair of female characters is so palpable that their failure to consummate the relationship feels low-key homophobic. We have been known to openly lament the show’s refusal to “go there” (have sex) when the characters so clearly want to. Thanks to the new Netflix thriller The Hunting Wives, I now realize I was incorrect to want what I wanted before.
But I wasn’t wrong.
In The Hunting Wives, these homoerotic friendships do, in fact, lead to homosexually erotic conclusions. When one woman’s stare lingers upon the clavicle of another, that does in fact mean she wants to go down on her. When one woman, in the process of teaching the other to shoot a hunting rifle, slips her leg between the other’s two legs, that does in fact mean they will eventually scissor.
The result is an eminently watchable, over-the-top, fully realized viewing experience with the panache of a soapy beach read and the electricity of ’90s hotel room soft core pornography.The Hunting Wives is a remarkable feat of heterosexual media — how can something be so gay and yet so straight? Watching it, I can easily imagine the inevitable backlash this show is liable to inspire, the Virgin River fans taking to Reddit, furious that the on-screen adaptation of their favorite mass market paperback is teeming with bisexuals. To them I can only say “hahaha!!”
Based on the novel by May Cobb, The Hunting Wives follows Sophie O’Neill (Brittany Snow), a former political campaign advisor from Cambridge, apparently married to Graham (Toby from Pretty Little Liars), an architect who gets a job of some kind in Texas and thus relocates his family there. If I had a husband and that husband told me we were leaving our liberal academic hometown to assimilate into a community of gun-toting Southern gals who wear full faces of makeup, designer gowns and heels to answer the door, I would simply say, “No ❤️.” It’s unclear why exactly they must, or why they know so little about their future home or Graham’s new boss prior to their arrival in Maple Brook, or if Sophie has any friends or family back in the Boston metro area. But honestly, who cares? Look at these cunts!!!!
In the season’s first episode, Graham hauls Sophie to a party at his boss Jed’s (Dermont Mulroney) palace, which turns out to be an NRA fundraiser. On the mic, Jed tells his guests that there are bad hermanos coming over the border, and it’s very important for everyone to have a gun so that they can protect themselves. Of course, of course, we know the truth — the bad hermanos are right here at this party and they are rich white people who talk about “bad hermanos” and already have plenty of guns.
Graham wants Sophie, who harbors a Dark Secret From Her Past that is Holding Her Back, to let go and Have Fun and Make New Friends, and despite her initial hesitation to do so — after all, she has ostensibly nothing in common with these women when it comes to values or hobbies — she finds herself immediately drawn to Jed’s wife, Margo Banks (Malin Akerman), who for some reason asks Sophie for a pad while in the bathroom of her very own house.
Margo and Jed
Margo Banks is the Queen Bee of a clique of wealthy Maple Brook wives who enjoy hunting wild boar (?!?!), dressing fancy, driving drunk, going to church, helping their husbands amass power and being against abortion. On the one hand, Margo’s personality is sometimes like the robots in dystopian sci-fi novels that men invent to satisfy their unceasing sexual desires. On the other hand, she is complex and confusing, smart if predictable, and possessing unstoppable #girlboss energy despite being unemployed.
It doesn’t take long for Sophie to overcome her aversion to the Hunting Wives and fall entirely under Margo’s spell, even gamely consenting to breaking her two years of sobriety and buying herself a whole entire gun she doesn’t know how to shoot. This immediately creates tension between Sophie and Callie (Jamie Ray Newman), Margo’s previous girlfriend.
After a fun day of jet-skiing, killing wild animals and drinking out of go-cups, Margo and Sophie keep the party rolling all night (pills are snorted, boys are called, tequila is consumed, bottles are spinned) — and that same night, a girl is murdered. Thus we have a mystery in motion! Everyone’s a suspect! The twists are twisting!
Apparently in the book upon which this is based, Sophie is described as a “bored housewife” who slips into Margo’s world in search of excitement, but in the show we never really see much of that boredom. From what I gather, the show compensates for this lack by making the sexual and romantic connection more explicit. I can’t complain! But there’s something else there, too — Sophie finding refuge in a community where Dark Secrets are only a problem if the wrong people find out about them, where everybody’s comfortable with the diabolical contrast between what someone stands for and who they actually are. And who might Sophie be, here?
Also worth noting: Katie Lowes gives a killer performance as Jill, the high-strung Reverend’s wife who is also a member of Margo’s clique. I would’ve loved to see more of Detective Salazar (Karen Rodriguez) and Jamie (Chosen Jacobs), Jill’s son Brad’s best friend — both characters felt layered in a way that invited curiosity.
I’ve seen this show billed as some kind of journey into the culture wars, but if there’s any war at play here, the battles are all offscreen. Any meaningful exploration of political or social ideology is just set dressing, really, for a story about sex and murder and whiskey, about perverted pastors and hunky idiot teenagers. Sure, there’s some obvious points made — having so many guns around means people get killed instead of sorting through their conflicts with words like normal adults, the moralists preaching purity are doing the opposite in their private lives — but, aside from an unexpected swerve in an abortion-related conversation between Sophie and Star (Chrissy Metz) later in the season, this potential conflict is mostly a wasted opportunity.
But ultimately does that really matter? Is that what we are here for? No, we are here to turn our brains entirely off, our sentience only occasionally rousing to the surface to ask questions like, “why are their margaritas the color of green pool water?” We are here to see two women in very nice wigs make out. We are here for Margo’s perilous blouses, always worn bra-free. We are here to be entertained! We are here for pegging! We are here for a world in which a lady needing cowboy boots can find them immediately at a store called The Boot Barn. We are here for Brittany Snow, of the legendarily gay Pitch Perfect cast, doing gay stuff.
I was incorrect that lesbian storylines would make this type of television series feel gayer. But I was completely right that it would make this type of television series a whole lot more fun.
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.
I had/have no desire to and will never watch this show, but I am 100% certain of one thing about it -– that there is absolutely no way that it could be more fun to watch this review of it was to read, Riese!!!
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thank you cait!!!
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lol, loved the review – but a few things about Texas – the wild boars (javelinas) are real and a real problem. Most areas have bounties for them. Boot Barn is a real place, and wonderful/terrifying. And yes, plenty of women answer the door in the completely wrong designer outfits.
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Heck yeah, another awesome Riese Review !
I was concerned this show would venture into Straw Dogs territory but it sounds more like Stepford Wives with a bit of hanky panky. Still, I don’t know what I’m shying away from more, the wigs or the shooting animals part. Maybe after a few Green Margaritas.
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Oh damn, Stepford wives hanky panky?– you gave me ideas that will stay with me.
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You’re so correct, there’s nothing like an awesome Riese Review!
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MY NEW FAVORITE SHOW
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The actor that plays Graham is NOT Keegan Allen from Pretty Little Liars. The actor’s actual name is Evan Jonigkeit.
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If anyone is worried about having to wait, I am 100% locked in 6 minutes in. No notes.
The following story is an extended version of the cover story in the first issue of The Autostraddle Insider, Autostraddle’s new print zine. To find out how to get the zine — where you can see even more photos from this story — click here. All photos are by Emma Milligan, taken at a Queer Fight School event in Brooklyn.
When I saw the flyer for a Queer Fight Club in Pittsburgh pop up in March, it felt like an answer to questions that had been buzzing around the queer community here, a buzz that’d only gotten louder since November 2024. What can queer and trans people do to defend themselves —not just on a broader, legislative level —but against violence in their everyday lives?
Many people I knew were interested in fight training for self-defense, but also, most were completely new to and intimidated by the options out there. Martial arts gym fees can be steep, and many queer people just don’t have the room in their budgets. On the ground, it feels like interest in martial arts and fighting is exploding in the queer community. I spoke to an organizer of PGH Queer Fight Club, as well as three other queer/trans fight club organizers and a pro fighter from other parts of the country. They confirmed what I already sensed: Queer interest in learning to fight is skyrocketing, and much of that desire is tied to the current political environment, the Trump administration, attacks on trans rights, and a reaction to interpersonal violence that continues to disproportionately harm trans people.
Pittsburgh’s Queer Fight Club is a dual project, run by three co-organizers (two fight instructors and one administrative organizer) who have committed to running a Community Fight Club and a specifically Queer Fight Club. The Community Fight Club is open to all, straights included, and is a space that focuses more on the sport side of martial arts. When the Queer Fight Club starts in mid-April, it will be more explicitly self-defense focused. To discuss a need for self-defense for most queer and trans people is to discuss deeply vulnerable and traumatic situations, and doing so in a space made more close-knit via bonds of affinity at least protects us from the scrutiny of straights — or from having to explain ourselves to people who don’t have the same lived experience, no matter how good an ally they might be.
A RESPONSE TO VIOLENCE
For Scout Tran, Executive Director of the Traction Project — a nonprofit dedicated to teaching LGBTQIA+ people self-defense and martial arts as well as motorcycle maintenance — an interest in fighting also followed a need for physical self-defense, with getting into fights coming first, and more formal martial arts training following. In Oakland, CA in 2014, Scout was among a community of trans women, including many sex workers, who faced an increase in street harassment and physical attacks.
“We banded together in 2015,” Scout says, explaining that the queer fight clubs began with a community defense crew that formed as a response to the verbal and physical violence, with trans women committed to defending each other. At first “it was just play fighting,” where people would play fight at the mosh pit or outside a zine fest, but “none of us knew what we were doing.” So, in 2016, with the advent of the first Trump administration, fight club members went out to various gyms and schools to try as many different martial arts styles as they could. They compared notes and dissected the various martial arts styles, looking at what would actually suit their needs.
“We doubled down on Brazilian jiu jitsu under Shawn Keiser [because] with a lot of trans women and a bunch of sex workers, we very quickly filtered out all of the normal, martial arts stuff, all of the weapons based stuff, all the striking stuff, because we were like ‘this is not bedroom valid, this is not domestic violence applicable,’” Scout says. “I really stayed in boxing for a while because I loved it as a sport, but it was absolutely useless as a self-defense practice. Because there’s no way that a trans woman can throw a punch and end up better off than she was before, you know, like the consequences were always higher.”
Jiu jitsu, then, became the martial art of choice for the fight club’s members. Regular practice helped members build confidence, which they used in community defense. Scout recalls a story about when some jiu jitsu-trained folks were able to diffuse situations at a bar in San Francisco where people were getting too handsy with a trans girl bartender and trans women who frequented the bar. “The jiu jitsu people had no qualms about just like putting their bodies in there and just being like, ‘Hey, how are you doing? Do you want to fondle me instead of that girl?’ because they just spend like five days a week aggro-cuddling other people,” Scout says. “So it’s like nothing for them to just walk into the arms of some giant dude and be like, ‘Hi, you know I’m here now you have to deal with me, now,’ and that’s just like the first step for ejecting one of those people from a bar is getting one of our crew into their literal hands, right?”
The club also formalized verbal and social techniques into their curriculum, prioritizing a focus on their real-life self-defense needs. While the club certainly began because of street harassment, the practice evolved to include self-defense training that could be used at home, in the bedroom, with clients for the sex workers in the group — all of this with a mind toward the way carcerality disproportionately impacts trans people,sex workers, and people of color. “And then we wrote a curriculum for social manipulation…We had to write the curriculum ourselves from scratch,” Scout explains. It is written down nowhere else, but I would argue that none of this stuff was being made up. It’s all just like taken from folk self-defense practice.”
Traction Project’s “social manipulation” curriculum includes discussion of techniques for disarming attackers with femininity, to unsettling and shaming them, to increasing their consciousness of your humanity via specific verbal techniques, to bluffing about having backup nearby. The curriculum is accessible for free online.
Scout has since moved to Portland, OR, where ey’re co-running the Portland chapter of the same club, which is hosted at Unicorn Jiu Jitsu, while the Oakland chapter continues to operate and train under the Traction Project umbrella out of the gym, Misfit Combat.
“Self-taught martial artists are not a thing. It’s a made-up thing from the 80s, except that I am a self-taught martial artist,” says Alana McLaughlin. Alana professionally fights as Lady Feral and is the second ever trans woman to compete in MMA in the U.S. She’s the only trans woman to compete since Fallon Fox retired.
Alana tells me of her childhood spent as “a skinny femme queer kid in South Carolina in the 80s and 90s.” She was always drawn to fighting and martial arts, inspired by Bruce Lee’s movies and writings. Bruce Lee developed the hybrid martial arts style, Jeet Kune Do, in order to fight in ways that worked practically in real-life scenarios. UFC President Dana White has called Bruce Lee the grandfather of MMA (Mixed Martial Arts), because he broke from more traditional, stringent martial arts forms and focused on encouraging fighters to use the techniques that worked best for them, to blend from different martial arts practices. It’s no surprise that this approach, which Lee tested in street fights on the rooftops of Hong Kong, spoke to Alana, who’s developed an eclectic approach to fighting over the years.
She recalls fighting back against her bullies for the first time at just eight years old, when two boys ganged up on her, and she “took a physical bite out of Toby’s leg and spit it out at him.” There was always tension between knowing she was a trans girl and knowing she was a fighter, and being both encouraged to fight and, at the same time, punished for sticking up for herself. “After the two bullies ran home crying, my parents whipped me long enough to make sure the angry parents outside could hear it — even though they told me to fight back and stop making myself a target for years. And then they told me they were proud of me.”
Alana was aware of UFC when it started in the 1990s but didn’t have access to VHS tapes until later. Still, she leaned into learning to fight any way she could, both because of the “self-defense aspect” and because she felt it helped her stay closeted. Alana went on to join the Army and serve in the Special Forces. “Special forces has a reputation for being good hand-to-hand fighters, and most of the time they don’t get training…but you also have to consider a lot of special forces soldiers are also self-selecting for that; it’s guys who know how to fight who are going into it in the first place,” she says. “Despite the guys on my team having more official training than I did, I was recognized as the person on the team who was the fighter. At the time, I was pretty self-loathing, and I was taking a lot of risks, and one of my hobbies was literally going and getting in bar fights. I don’t think they actually had a pool going, but they joked about what injuries I would have when I showed up on Monday after the weekends.”
After Alana left the special forces, Fallon Fox encouraged her to pursue pro fighting, and she won her debut and only fight in 2021. Recently, she fought at QT III, a queer and trans fight tournament in Seattle that took place in March. To Alana, queer fight spaces offer a place for fighters to work on their skills, but they’re no substitute for mainstream competitions when it comes to money. The key thing with queer fight clubs and tournaments is that it’s mostly for the love of the sport and out of necessity, as opposed to paid professional work. Like so many queer and trans people, Alana and other highly-qualified fighters like her are denied fights. Alana’s only had one UFC fight because promoters won’t match her with another woman, despite the fact that her opponent — Celine Provost — nearly beat her, a fact Alana showcased openly with her bruised face post-fight. There weren’t any hard feelings either. The two even had breakfast together the next day, but bigots can’t get past the idea of a trans woman fighting a cis woman, even if they’re well-matched in strength and stature. This attitude permeates fight culture, and it prevents many queer and trans people from formally entering the sport or sticking with formal training — so queer and trans martial would-be fighters have taken a more do-it-yourself route. As Alana has joked, self-taught martial artists are a thing of 80s movies, and yet here she is as a self-taught martial artist. Like the folks starting these queer fight clubs around the country, she had to take matters into her own hands.
Mylo runs Queer Fight School, located in Brooklyn. They tell me of a time a family member became violent with them —how it happened not once, but again — and also of the systemic violence they regularly encounter as a Brown trans person. “I just remember thinking like I feel scared in this moment, and I don’t ever want to feel scared again,” Mylo says. “Of course, that’s not a realistic goal, to never feel scared again, but I knew I wanted to do something, to feel empowered and feel like at least this fear was generating something.”
So, Mylo found a Muay Thai gym in Brooklyn and started training. They focused on Muay Thai for a year and a half before zeroing in on Brazilian jiu jitsu. Then they started teaching their own classes. “I just wanted to see more people like me in the gym,” Mylo told me when I asked how they got started teaching classes. In 2018, Mylo started taking Queer Fight School around to different parks, with a focus on Muay Thai. As Mylo moved into focusing on Brazilian jiu jitsu, the classes also shifted, and now the focus is almost entirely on jiu jitsu. They also have a practice space these days, courtesy of Haven Boxing, a boxing gym run by two women of color.
Like the rest of the queer fight clubs featured in this story, Queer Fight School is completely free to attend (tournaments and camps discussed have fees associated with them, but also a number of scholarship and sponsorship options). “The classes I teach at haven, they’re very much geared towards beginners and folks who are newer to jiu jitsu so both of these things kind of help allow for someone who’s interested to both acquire skills, and implement and test those skills and kind of see where they’re at.”
CREATING SAFE QUEER/TRANS FIGHT SPACES
Space is crucial. Finding the right spaces is one of the biggest hurdles for queer fight clubs trying to get off the ground. For the most part, the clubs that have managed to continue operating have access to a friendly gym that is allowing the club to practice there free-of-charge (or in the case of DMV Fight Club, where the gym payments are sponsored by the Traction Project).
Clem is starting the Queer Fight Club in Pittsburgh, whose fliers initially got me interested in this story, alongside another instructor and an administrative volunteer. She identifies unfriendly gyms and rightwing, toxic martial arts culture as barriers to entry for queer and trans people looking to train. The proliferation of unfriendly gyms, meanwhile, makes it harder to start our own clubs.
“It’s been a difficult process…I started a small queer fight group when I was living in Athens, Ohio,” Clem says. “I had a good experience. It was fun. I had a couple people come by. It was hard to maintain both a physical space and a weekly structure.” Clem explains that in a college town like Athens, it was difficult for people with so much going on to commit. There was never a permanent location for the club. “I had bought a mat I was taking to bars who would let me use their space when they weren’t open,” Clem says. “It was really unorthodox and odd…I was putting the mat down on the dance floor of a little punk bar, and it was very cool, but y’know.” Once in Pittsburgh, Clem started training at a gym, where they were able to talk to the owners and gain access to the space for queer fight club meetings.
Cis men, practicing in jiu jitsu spaces can be aggressive, are often cops or cop-adjacent, rightwing, and not just uncomfortable to train and grapple with because they’re men, but also because the politics of the space back them up. At one point, a man who trained cops in firearms for work, dragged me across the floor of the gym by my jaw. I still remember his smug little expression when he half apologized for moving too fast for me to tap out.
Clem and I joke about how jiu jitsu class does sometimes feel like “designated getting strangled by cop-adjacent men time,” and while everyone can have different experiences in martial arts classes, it’s no secret as to why some queer and trans fighters may decide the space is too risky.
“In MMA, the politics are far right, like 95%…the Gracie family are fascists, openly, and have been since before Brazilian jiu jitsu,” Alana says of her time training in MMA gyms where coaches talked about her behind her back and she had to share space with rightwing fighters like Colby Covington, a MAGA supporter who was invited to Trump’s White House.
Gwen is one of the co-runners of Queer Fight Night in Seattle, WA. She loves training in jiu jitsu, but even with her years of experience and love of the sport, she’s still found the attitudes of other people in non-queer gyms can be dangerous. At the start of 2020, a man who she had previously bested one time before in class used a heel-hook — a move not allowed in most tournaments until you’re at an advanced level — on her during an open mat (essentially, open sparring time). “He did break my knee, and he wouldn’t look at me or apologize,” she says.
Sabrina started the DMV Queer Fight Club in Washington, D.C. at the same time as she was facing discrimination in the pro-fighting world. “I had my first pro fight, then found out I was trans a little bit after that, and I’ve been trying to combine the two since then,” she says. “I did want to continue training and continue fighting and trying to be a pro fighter, and as I’ve been trying to do that, it’s been pretty much impossible.” Once, a pro fight of Sabrina’s was canceled 10 minutes before it was set to start. “They wouldn’t let me fight unless I fought topless,” she says.
“After that, especially with how a lot of my cis friends in the martial arts community responded, it made me want to double down and get this queer fight club thing going, just so I could have more queer people to be in community with, and in martial arts community with,” Sabrina adds. She began to get the club off the ground in 2023, and it exploded in popularity in 2024, with twice weekly classes and up to 20 queer participants ready to fight.
FROM TRAINING TO TOURNAMENTS
Both Gwen and Sabrina have now run queer/trans fight tournaments in Seattle and Baltimore, respectively. They know each other, too, having met at the Lez Roll Grappling Camp in Indiana. For Gwen, the first Seattle tournament started as her birthday party. “People were very stoked to have a competition environment that was more than inclusive, that was FOR trans people,” Gwen says of the first event, which was more or less thrown together in a month.
The most recent tournament, QT III, had competitors from 13-15 U.S. states and four countries represented. There were almost 300 people total in the gym spectating for Muay Thai, and 100-120 for jiu jitsu the next day. “Seattle’s great, it’s just in Seattle, that’s the only problem,” Sabrina says of organizing a tournament on her side of the country. The ecosystem and community already formed between The Traction Project, Queer Fight Night Seattle, and DMV Queer Fight Club have helped the tournaments on both sides of the country get off the ground. Between sponsorships, info-sharing, advice, encouragement, and cross-promotion, “you really gotta have a team,” as Sabrina puts it.
Gwen couldn’t agree more: “The more volunteers, the better, and having defined roles for everyone.” As for considering forms and administrative formats, these things are often borrowed, tweaked, shared, and passed back and forth between the organizers of queer fight spaces.
For many, like Alana, competition is essential to growth as a fighter: “I don’t have the opportunities to compete in the same way other people do because I’m trans, and the thing is, with combat sports, the way you get better is not just from training, but from competition, and if you’re blocked from competing, it’s hard to improve.” By running tournaments, organizers create opportunities for queer and trans fighters to compete, to improve, and to build community. It’s a small community, and these queer and trans fight tournaments are new as of 2024, so it’ll be exciting to see where they go from here.
There are already growing pains. Some people in the community reported that in the most recent Seattle tournament, some fights seemed to go too far, to the point of injury to the fighters, without referees adequately stepping in. According to Clem, who watched the live streams and spoke to others who attended: “It’s been an interesting thing because I definitely see where so much of that urge comes from in the community when you have no outlet for competition and you want to feel how everyone else gets to feel…they get to do all the stuff, and it can build up a lot of frustration. But people organizing the tournament have to organize so, no matter how frustrated someone is, injuries don’t happen.”…I
Clem adds, though, that looking critically at our practices is part of finding our way as a community, part of unlearning toxic fight culture. “It’s far and away not the worst martial arts thing I’ve ever seen organized, but when it’s your own community, you want to hold them to a higher standard,” Clem says. “I want queer fight things that are being held around the country to not just be fun and cool, but also safer and smarter.”
TRAUMA-INFORMED TRAINING AND SAFETY
Part of running safer and smarter queer fight spaces goes beyond respecting each other’s identities and bodies and looking out for physical safety. There is also a serious need to be trauma-informed in these spaces.
Alana shares a time that sparring with a coach left her activated. “Because he was a cis dude from a toxic fighting background, he did not know how to deal with my crying,” she says. Alana apologized the next few times she saw him, and finally, “I baked him a fucking pie…I was trying to manage my own being triggered,and doing the emotional labor of trying to make this coach feel better about me crying in his gym.”
In a more “typical” gym environment, that’s so often how it works out. Queer and trans people become responsible for managing how they make others feel, even when they’re being retraumatized themselves. When we’re building things differently as queer and trans people, we have to remember that being pinned down, hitting or getting hit, or even having another person’s hand around a wrist can be extremely emotional experiences.
“It’s not possible to prevent it from happening, but it’s possible to have things in place to help make it better when it happens,” Clem says of her approach to students who get triggered by class. Clem and the other organizers of Queer Fight Club PGH actually reached out to a group of radical therapists and counselors, and a volunteer counselor will be available on-site at club meetings.
Pretty much everyone who is organizing a queer fight space agrees: The best way to learn to fight is to focus on fun, to play games. Not only do games aid learning, they also keep the environment light and allow students and instructors to compartmentalize discussions around heavier topics. “If you get too amped up, too much adrenaline in your system, you won’t actually retain information,” Clem says.
Mylo in Brooklyn has been studying the same thing, as well. They teach by asking participants to solve puzzles with their bodies, with an emphasis on the fact that people have different bodies, so there is no single one or right answer to a problem. They’ve been reading up on the science of learning with an eye towards always improving their teaching.
Scout’s classes always begin with paperwork and protocol — but it’s important stuff, like handling other peoples’ bodies respectfully, respecting pronouns, “how to tap out when you feel emotionally restricted,” not just physically restricted, and “how to protect yourself and protect your training partners emotionally.” They play games for the first 15 minutes, games that are tested and that trick people into learning concepts, and as is often an emphasis in Scout’s pedagogy, practicing verbal manipulation at the same time as physical movements. Then, Scout or one of the TA’s shows a martial arts technique, which, according to Scout, often just serves to make “people feel satisfied that they learned something today,” but “it’s the games that are more useful to people and teaching.” Scout also invites student-led teaching at the end of class, during breakout groups because many of the queer people present have skills of their own to share. “There was a German longsword person!” Scout also explained that ey place emphasis on the need for fighting instructors to personally have lived experience in at least two of the following three things: transphobia, racism, or whorephobia — because any instruction needs to be checked against these lenses. Scout wants instructors to ask, say, does a technique hold up if we look at it through the eyes of someone who’s experiencing racism? What about stigma related to sex work? For anyone who’s thinking of starting their own space, Traction Project has free curricula and other materials available for download.
When I attended one of the Pittsburgh community fight classes, run by Clem’s collaborator, we began with a game. After introducing ourselves and warming up, the three of us and the instructor got right into playing. The object of the game was to tap your opponent on their trapezius muscle. Once tagged, that person moved out and the other person in the trio stepped in to play. We played the game first, then found out its learnings — which involved practicing stance, footwork, and keeping our guard up (as in boxing guard). Following the first round of the game, the instructor led us through some exercises to work on making minor improvements — and then we played again. This second time, with laughter, I rotated in and out of the center of the floor, tagging and being tagged by fellow queers, working on the very real skill that is Not Getting Hit In The Face, but in a way where if and when I see the folks in that class again, I’ll be delighted to say hello.
The first iteration of Pittsburgh’s Queer Fight Club was packed. It had gone viral and moved to an RSVP-only policy. We began with an introduction to the space and to the instructors, and then we moved on to the most foundational aspect of fighting: stance. Then, we played that same game from the community class.
I paired with a couple of newcomers. The second person, a history teacher, told me he was there because he’d “seen this sort of thing before,” referring to the current administration’s descent into full-on fascism. He accidentally hit me in the eye — which, to be fair, I felt bad about allowing past my guard — and while I recovered briefly, I had the opportunity to correct his assumption that he should beat himself up over injuring someone at fight club.
“You actually don’t want to injure your comrades during sparring,” I told him. I elaborated: sparring should be light, because you want to be uninjured and ready for competition, or, more practically, self-defense.
It was fascinating to see the number of people who’d never been introduced to martial arts before that day, putting themselves out there and trying for the first time. It took a stew of ingredients to get those queers in the room: rising fascism, the current administration, the premise of an all-queer space with queer instructors, masking required and a therapist on site and, of course, the fact that there were no financial barriers to entry. It will be interesting to see who sticks with the club and to witness the progression of this experiment. The beautiful thing about these new queer fight clubs is that they are breaking new ground: We don’t fully know where this will go.
BUILDING COMMUNITY AND MAKING OUR OWN WAY
“It’s been nice to integrate myself into the queer community with martial arts. I go to places and everyone tells me they’re gonna come to fight club. They don’t but they tell me they will,” Sabrina says when reflecting on what she got out of running the fight club. I asked what her students came away with, “I’m perceived very differently than a lot of other trans people: a six-foot-tall dark-skinned, Black trans woman. I’m not gonna get a lot of people who want to fight me. A member told me the other day about how they got attacked. It’s good to have some familiarity with combat in that situation in order to have a proper response…Even if you don’t plan on fighting people…It helps you avoid a lot of fights, just by having that confidence that you’re okay with fighting. Not immediately having a fearful response, actually scares a lot of people away.”
“For me,” Gwen agrees, “it’s about feeling a sense of connection to your body, feeling like you have autonomy and the ability to use your body as a weapon. There’s defending yourself for sure, but that’s sort of secondary to knowing you could defend yourself. Also just building community. There’s a lot of people who come to the classes and who fall in love with the art and come to start training regularly at the gym.”
Sabrina, Gwen, Clem, Mylo, Alana, every trans fighter I spoke to said that the more trans and queer people are at a gym, the more welcoming the space becomes for members of our community just starting out with training, that, and the hope is that the culture of a gym can shift as cis and straight people get used to training alongside queer and trans fighters.
“I want this to be a training space for queer and trans people from all walks of life, not just able-bodied queer and trans people,” Clem says, “I want people with disabilities to come into the space and make sure what I’m doing is applicable to them.”
Clem says all the new queer fight groups need to strive to not be just like other gyms. “The conventional approach won’t work for us,” Clem says. “We need to focus our approach and the way we do things for our community to make sure that it’s applicable to our community, to make sure that it’s safe for our community, but if conventional training worked really well for the queer community, we would be doing conventional training, but we’re not, and there’s a reason.”
Scout in Portland emphasizes that perfecting technique isn’t actually the most important thing when it comes to fight training. “It’s more important that you’ve got a good training environment, you’re having fun, and you want to go back, your friends want to go back,” Scout says. “The people that I see training the longest who stick with it are the ones who have a training crew.”
“It’s just worth it,” Gwen says when I asked if people should consider training in fighting. “It changed my life. It changed so much about how I perceive everything and the world. I have such a strong sense of self from doing martial arts…it is really, really worth it.”
“People really want this,” Clem adds, “I anticipated having more people interested just by being in a city. I did not anticipate that in two weeks of having an Instagram page, I would have over 1000 followers.”
“I feel like especially in the current political environment, while attacks are ramping up on us, personally and politically and physically, it is important to learn to fight, but we are going to have to develop our own ecosystem for this, because we cannot go to most of the places,” Alana says. “How do you build this from the ground up without replicating the toxicity that is in the current fight system?”
Read a print version of this story in THE AUTOSTRADDLE INSIDER, which also includes more photos of Queer Fight School by Emma Milligan.
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Nico Hall writes creative nonfiction, cultural criticism and reported journalism — as well as fiction — and has appeared here at Autostraddle and at PublicSource. You can find them talking about butch/femme dynamics and queer history on the Unladylike podcast and about abolitionist approaches to queer breakups and queer divorce on the This American Ex-Wife podcast. They are currently at work on a longform nonfiction project. Nico is also haunted. You can find them on Instagram. Here's their website, too.
Amazing article and great to see a write up of queer fight communities, there’s also a flourishing one in London.
I would say the article overstates the value of jitsu grappling in a self defence scenario to the detriment of striking forms like boxing or muay thai. It’s important – as you state – to be a balanced fighter and have experience in both forms.
But also, importantly, BJJ flourishes on the ground, and that’s one place you want to AVOID in a fight. Going to the floor makes you vulnerable if there is more than one combatant, kicking you in the ribs or head gets so much easier, regardless of whether you have control over one other person.
Though jiu jitsu is useful in other contexts as mentioned, and is great for learning throws, locks and building confidence.
*I am aware this comment has big Dwight Schrute energy, it is based on martial arts training across several disciplines and a handful of real experiences.
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Waiting to read this in the print magazine first but just saying i’m excited!
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Brilliant article, thank you so much for sharing! Great to see at least one masked person in the photos – as queer people we are more vulnerable to long covid, and no amount of martial arts training will help you if you develop an incurable energy limiting illness. This is a form of community care which is accessible to everyone which too few alleged leftists actually give a shit about.
In September 2022, Cammie Woodman watched the final matches of Serena Williams’ career from her apartment in Brooklyn. Cammie had never really watched professional tennis before and had never picked up a racquet herself, but she’d recently seen King Richard, the movie about Richard Williams coaching his daughters, Serena and Venus, to greatness. Cammie of course already knew who Serena Williams was — she’s one of the greatest athletes of all time. But King Richard had piqued her interest enough to actually tune into the US Open to watch her play.
It was a thrilling time for all fans of women’s tennis, old and new. Heading into the tournament, Serena had announced her intention to retire. It felt like the end of an era. Serena had gotten her first US Open title in 1999, around the same year I first picked up a racquet. Twenty-three years later, she was still inspiring others to step onto the court.
Cammie was about a year into her transition and was struck by Serena’s beauty: the crystal-studded stunning black dress and diamond-encrusted sneakers she sported for those final matches, but also the way she encompassed grace, strength, power, the way she screamed as she hit the ball. It spoke to Cammie. She wanted that exact energy in her life.
“It was kind of fate,” Cammie tells me. “I had seen those matches, and I was like okay, I’m really going to start playing. I really want to try this.”
She texted her friend after Serena Williams’ final career match to say she was going to look for a tennis racquet and that they should start playing. Right after she sent the text, she left her apartment to drop off laundry at the laundromat down the street. An abandoned tennis racquet sat right on the other side of the road. It really was fate. It’s easy to see it like a fairytale, one tennis icon putting down her racquet just as someone completely new to the sport finds her own.
Cammie and I laugh as she reveals the reality of the situation: “Looking back, it was like a really dinky kid’s racquet,” she says. “But I didn’t know any better, so I played with that for forever.”
Hey, a free racquet is a free racquet.
From there, Cammie started playing casually with her partner and one of their friends at a local court in Brooklyn, just on their own without coaching. Cammie had never played a sport before and had been bullied a lot as a kid. She’d never felt athletic. She wanted privacy, a safe and controlled environment, while she was still just beginning to learn. She watched videos about form, hit with friends who were also beginners, and went to the handball courts to hit against a wall, too. “I was so bad that no one would want to play with me, so I just played myself there,” she says. “I was just like you know what? I want to get good, and these people will be sorry that they said no.”
“Right from my first time stepping on court, I was like I am really into this. I really want to be good at this,” she adds.
Six months later, she started going to group clinics. She had her first lesson with her coach Isis in February 2023. Sometimes she’d be the only one out there working with a coach in the 30-degree New York winter weather. She was really in it to get good, so seasons weren’t going to stop her. Mastering tennis takes a lot of consistency and reps, and Cammie was doing the work. She took lessons twice a week and started learning super fast, telling her coach her goal was to start competing the following year. “She was like ‘I think you should just do it now,’” Cammie says, and she agreed, even though she didn’t have much matchplay experience and barely knew the specifics of formal matchplay like when to change sides and how to score a tiebreaker. About ten months after she’d first picked up a racquet, she competed in an amateur tournament run by Brooklyn-based nonprofit Lincoln Terrace Tennis Association and lost. But she liked the experience, and it only convinced her to work harder.
“Matches are so intimidating, but when you get your confidence up and when you start understanding and being able to track the score better, it gets so much easier,” she says.
I agree. It’s one thing to slam winners in a lesson. Matches require a ton of mental fortitude, which means doing work off the court as much as on it. Now that she’s almost three years into her tennis journey, Cammie exudes steady confidence. She’s no longer playing in private. In fact, quite the opposite: She posts tennis clips to Instagram frequently, highlighting killer winners, sick rallies, and yes, the occasional error to keep her humble. Her social media is how I found Cammie in the first place, and I’ve watched countless clips. She’s exciting to watch, especially when she’s ripping a forehand cross-court. Her feet are in constant motion between shots, the sign of a player who understands the overwhelming importance of footwork to good tennis. And her tennis style is enviable: cute dresses, a stack of chain necklaces, curly hair pinned back.
I ask Cammie to describe her own game. Since I’ve watched so many of her videos, I have my own takeaways and tell her as much: “You’re a strong baseliner with a wicked forehand.”
She says she models a lot after Serena and Venus. “I wish I had Venus’s net game, but don’t we all?” she says, and I agree. She also agrees that she’s a strong baseliner. “I really aim for power, and I try to get more creative with angles,” she says. “I love when you just see Serena come up with a crazy angle that you wouldn’t expect out of nowhere.” She says her serve is pretty mean, too, but it depends on the day. I know how that goes.
Cammie’s social media posts highlight not only what it’s like to start a tennis journey later in life but also what it’s like to be a trans athlete in a time when it’s so politicized to be exactly that. Trans identity is often at the forefront of her videos, either in the caption or in the overlaid text. “I never just wanted to be like ‘oh, this is how you hit a forehand’ or ‘watch this point’,” she says of her videos. “As much as that’s fun, there’s no Cammie the Tennis Player without my identity informing a lot of my game.”
In one of her video captions, she writes: “After starting my transition, tennis gave me a place to find my beauty and strength.”
Queer and trans visibility in tennis is incredibly important to her. She points out there’s several out women who have played in the Women’s Tennis Association (WTA), but there has only been one out gay man in pro tennis, and there are currently no active trans pro tennis players that we know of. And even just beyond the pros, I struggled to find tennis content created by queer players when I returned to tennis after a decade-long break in 2024. It was my first time playing the sport since I’d come out, and I wanted to find other LGBTQ+ players to connect with. For once, the algorithm came through and showed me Cammie.
“For me, I just always felt tennis is so connected to my transition,” Cammie says. “I think a lot of trans people could benefit from playing sports and just using their bodies, whether it’s dance or working out or just self-expression, because when we transition, it’s another puberty. Our bodies, our emotions are completely changing, and everything about our lives is changing when we decide to take this step.”
Since Cammie was a year into her transition when she started tennis, she could feel her body changing very fast. It was hard to keep a handle on it sometimes, easy to get lost in it. She had never been the type of person to work out and always felt super uncomfortable in her body before. “I just feel like everything clicked when I was playing tennis,” she says. “It was just like I could wear these outfits that made me feel truly so beautiful and seeing myself continue my transition as well as improve in tennis, it’s just been a really big marker in my progress.”
Tennis provided a total self-awareness she’d never had before. It made her appreciate her body. “I could see what my body was capable of and still honor how it was changing and honor my identity,” she says. “It’s just been super vital to my journey and feeling comfortable in my body as it changes.”
Cammie’s declaration that all trans people could benefit from playing sports makes it all the more devastating that sports have become a key battleground for transphobes and TERFs to win over public support for excluding and erasing trans people. Not only should trans people be allowed access to sports because all people should but also because, as Cammie demonstrates, playing sports can be so beneficial for transition and all the physical and emotional challenges it brings. Sports build confidence, self-image, connection, community. Excluding trans people from sports is just cruel.
And unfortunately, around the time I discovered Cammie, I also learned she’d been kicked out of a recreational tennis league, allegedly for being trans.
Cammie joined the Tennis League Network in 2025 after confirming there were other trans players who had played in other cities in the nationwide league network. She also had friends who had played in the league, so she joined the Brooklyn division with the intent of competing a lot more this summer. “I just really wanted matchplay,” she says. “I wasn’t really going into it expecting to do super well. Matches have always been a big mental block for me.”
It’s a flex league, meaning you don’t play on a team. You set up your own matches individually with your opponent week-to-week. It’s a great way to meet people, get matchplay, and potentially find someone with a team you can join down the road. It’s usually the number one thing I recommend people sign up for when they’re looking to competitively play tennis for the first time. Cammie joined thinking it would be a fun, chill way to get some more matchplay experience; it feels a lot lower stakes than competing in a tournament or on a team.
Through the league, Cammie found another woman who was willing to come to her court to play. They set up a time and day. And when they met up, Cammie felt she got to know her a bit. They were both nice to each other during warmup and throughout the match. “It was a pleasant experience,” Cammie says.
She surprised herself by winning the match 6-2, 6-0. She hadn’t won a match in a while, but she had been working really hard not just on her physical technique but also on her mental game and being positive with herself. She was determined to stay present during the match. Her strategy resulted in a win.
Cammie says she had a positive interaction at the net with the other woman when the match concluded. They went their separate ways. “I just remember being so excited,” she says. “I didn’t even really go into this league expecting to win much at all because historically I’ve lost first round in women’s tournaments and just really struggle with matches. It was a huge milestone for me to be able to pull off the win.”
The next morning, her opponent submitted the score, common procedure in a flex league. Everything seemed totally fine and normal. So Cammie proceeded with scheduling her next matches. She was psyched, ready to hit the courts again for some more friendly competition. Later that day, she got an email from the founder of the Tennis League Network, Steven Chagnon. All it said was: “Can we move you to an appropriate men’s division?”
She noticed Chagnon had also forwarded her an email from the opponent essentially calling her a “male” player in the women’s division and saying it was unfair. The email repeatedly misgendered Cammie. “It was just a really frustrating situation because I’m being described as a man and as if Roger Federer just decided to join this random league for women and start blowing the competition out of the water.”
It had been Cammie’s first match of the season, and beyond that, she feels her opponent objectively was not a 3.25 player (tennis leagues often operate on a universal rating scale to help skill-sort divisions; a 3.25 rating roughly translates to an intermediate skill level). Cammie noticed even just in warmup that her opponent did not seem to play at the appropriate level. This hadn’t fazed her at the time, because she knew it’s still easy to still lose to someone at a lower skill level if your mental game isn’t airtight.
The emails forced Cammie into a position to defend herself. “And so I did,” she says. “I said something along the lines of ‘I think there’s a skill difference here.’” She was certain there were other players at the same actual skill level as her in the division. Even though it would be illegal for the league to demand to see any kind of medical paperwork, Cammie informed the league she had been transitioning for a while and could provide proof of it. Ultimately, she told the league she’d still love to be a part of it but if it didn’t work for them, she’d like a refund for league fees.
Chagnon responded saying the league wanted nothing to do with any of this and then kicked Cammie out. “I just felt it was really poorly handled and bizarre,” Cammie says. Her opponent had completely misrepresented her as someone playing at much too high a level for this division, not to mention misgendering her repeatedly. And then Chagnon completely mishandled the situation. “I just feel like if he was actually accepting of trans people, he could have just told her: ‘Trans people are allowed to play here. If you don’t want to play against her, you don’t have to.’ Because no one’s required to play me at all!”
The extreme whiplash of having a pleasant experience on court to receiving the emails to being kicked out without any real conversation frustrated Cammie — and rightfully so. In New York, what happened to Cammie has legal grounds for a discrimination lawsuit. When other folks in the league heard about it, they voiced support for Cammie and, subsequently, also found themselves kicked out.
“It would have been one thing if it was a conversation of ‘can we move you to a higher level women’s league’ or ‘we think your level’s too high for this’ or something like that,” Cammie says. “Instead, they made the choice to disrespect me and not coordinate with me on a solution, which I also just feel like as a paying player is really unfair.”
At first, Cammie wasn’t sure if she wanted to publicize the experience. She’d only told her friends in the league and some very close friends. It was one of her league friends who had told her it was illegal, which she hadn’t realized at first. “I mean, in the past, I’ve always wondered if something like this would happen, and I’ve always been kind of ready for it in a way, even though you can’t really be ready for it,” she says.
But when she realized it was illegal, she decided it truly wasn’t fair for Chagnon to get away with treating her so poorly and speaking to her in this way. So she took to social media to tell people what had happened. “This is happening in Brooklyn, and it’s supposed to be this amazing safe haven for trans people, and it’s just like the reality is nowhere is really completely safe for trans people.”
Chagnon hadn’t given Cammie a chance to voice her side of the story at all, so posting it on Instagram was a way of reclaiming her agency. Support flooded in immediately. Members of United States Tennis Association (USTA), the national governing body for tennis, reached out in support, including a captain who wants to recruit Cammie for her team. Cammie had a bit of a relationship with USTA before; the USTA Eastern Instagram account had previously featured her in a video for Pride month. USTA’s official stance on trans inclusion maintains that all USTA-sanctioned recreational junior and adult leagues, tournaments, and events allow players to participate in the gender-specific programs that align with the gender they identify and register as.
As Cammie’s story started gaining traction on social media, it also attracted attention from the wrong people: TERFs who apparently have nothing better to do with their days than harass trans people online. Among those losers? Martina Navratilova, whose accolades include 59 major tennis titles and being blocked by Autostraddle’s Twitter account after she came after one of our contributors who wrote a piece about professional cycling’s trans exclusion problem.
“Martina Navratilova took to Twitter to just be essentially a bully,” Cammie says. I’ve seen the tweets. “Bully” might be putting it too lightly. The language Martina repeatedly uses toward trans athletes on social media is on par with Joanne Kathleen Rowling in terms of downright nastiness.
Cammie came across Martina’s comments on her when a publication posted an article that included the tweets. Social media attention had become media attention, and several outlets were quick to cover Cammie’s story but did so in a way that sensationalized the controversy rather than really telling the full Cammie Woodman Tennis Story. In this particular piece, Martina’s tweets were the entire focus, centering TERF tweets rather than Cammie herself. The clickbait headline read: “Martina Navratilova labels transgender tennis player ‘lousy’ amid controversy over removal from NYC league.” Cammie found the story by searching for her own name and “tennis.” It was one of the top hits. Cammie wasn’t on Twitter herself and didn’t know Martina spent so much of her free time espousing transphobic nonsense.
“I was horrified to see it,” she says. “I felt horrible because she was one of my idols. To me, it’s on the level of if Venus had said something like that to me. It hurt my feelings so badly.”
“I had cried a little bit,” she adds. But she was ultimately able to make peace with the experience when she realized it had nothing to do with her, specifically. “It’s personal, obviously, because she decided to say my name, but I mean, it’s just like if J.K. Rowling said something about you. We all know she is not in tune with reality and just says stuff about any trans person doing anything. I was able to, I guess, accept it and just kind of move on.”
Martina Navratilova’s hateful stance, the Tennis League Network’s decision to expel Cammie, and trans-exclusionary policies throughout the tennis world are at complete odds with the history of the sport, which has long been at the forefront of huge wins for gender equality and feminism in athletics. Tennis was one of the first sports women could play in the Olympics. Martina herself was among several lesbians who competed in the WTA, founded by fellow lesbian player Billie Jean King in 1973. (Martina has been stripped of some of her LGBTQ+ tennis accolades following her transphobic comments, including the organization Athlete Ally cutting ties with her. Billie Jean King, meanwhile, has spoken in support of trans people.) Billie Jean King made fighting for equal pay for women in tennis a core tenet of her career, and in 1973, the US Open became the first major tournament to award equal prize money to its men’s and women’s champions. Tennis became one of the first sports to close the gender pay gap. The sport’s history isn’t perfect, especially when it comes to the historical exclusion of Black players from the sport, but tennis is well positioned to be a progressive and needle-moving sport in the trans athlete debate. The history of gender revolution on the court is right there.
In the 1970s, Renée Richards was a trans woman who competed on the professional tennis circuit. Her medical transition was outed by a TV anchor in 1976, and the USTA, WTA, and United States Open Committee (USOC) updated their guidelines to be more explicitly trans-exclusionary. She applied to compete in the women’s bracket of the US Open in 1976 but refused to take the Barr body test, a new requirement for all women wishing to compete. She was subsequently not allowed to compete in the 1976 US Open, Wimbledon, or Italian Open.
Renée sued the USTA on the grounds of gender discrimination. In 1977, a judge ruled in her favor, granting her an injunction against the USTA and USOC that subsequently allowed her to compete in the US Open. She continued to play professionally as an out trans woman until 1981 when she retired and became a coach. During her coaching career, she worked with none other than Martina Navratilova. She coached Martina to two Wimbledon titles.
Even if you don’t play tennis, you’ve probably heard of the Battle of the Sexes, a series of exhibition matches, the most famous being the 1973 internationally televised match between 55-year-old Bobby Riggs and 29-year-old Billie Jean King, during which Riggs was convinced he could easily win and was instead beat by King. The match — viewed by 50 million people in the U.S. and 90 million worldwide — and its lead-up are the focus of a very good sapphic sports film. On its surface, the event was a gimmicky affair, and Riggs no doubt was motivated by the impulse to reinforce gender binaries and biological difference in the sport. But King won. And when she did, it challenged the notion of biological difference in athletics. Indeed, watching pro tennis today, the radar guns display pretty similar numbers whether it’s men or women on the courts. Transphobe’s arguments about trans women in sports always hinge on the porous science of biological difference. But it’s rarely “fairness” these people are after. It’s exclusion.
As for where tennis is now, USTA’s very inclusive stance on trans athletes for recreational programming does not blanket apply to the professional tour or collegiate programs, which are governed by different bodies and where inclusion gets a little more complicated. But the long-criticized Barr body test is thankfully no longer used in professional tennis, and the WTA does allow trans women to play in womens categories under specific conditions, including not exceeding certain testosterone levels. You will not be shocked to learn Martina has criticized this policy loudly. The NCAA governs collegiate tennis and recently updated its policies in a knee-jerk reaction to Trump’s heinous sports executive order aimed at trans women. And the U.S. Olympic and Paralympic Committee recently imposed a ban on trans women from competing in all women’s sports categories, including tennis.
Cammie and her lawyer have filed a lawsuit against the Tennis League Network, her opponent, and Chagnon on the grounds of gender discrimination in violation of the New York Human Rights Law, the same law cited in Reneé Richards’ lawsuit in 1977.
While the comments from Martina on her story stung, Cammie has received overwhelming support and positivity, too, especially from fellow queer and trans people in the tennis community. A trans tennis player in Queens reached out to say they’d never played with someone else who’s trans before. And a lot of queer people ended up finding Cammie’s page as a result of the controversy, which Cammie says was cool since she hadn’t known many queer people in the tennis world previously. “It’s also just brought about a lot of people who don’t know anything about tennis but want to support,” she says. “There’s definitely people too who are allies or are trans or queer themselves and just reached out to be like ‘let us know when your next tournament is because we need to show up and support you.’”
Cammie started competing again this summer and has played in two tournaments on the local park circuit in Brooklyn, winning one and making it to the semi-finals in the other. A whole crew showed up for her matches, including her partner, friends, and people just wanting to support. I followed along on her tournament trajectory from afar, checking her Instagram story with the same obsession I brought to following Wimbledon this summer. On a 48-hour writing-related trip I had in NYC this July, we had plans to meet up to play each other that fell through, but rest assured, we hope to face off soon. I can’t wait to play Cammie. Before I found her Instagram, I’d been searching for more LGBTQ+ community within tennis, frustrated by the lack of overlap in my queer life and my tennis life. Cammie’s content bridged those gaps. I wanted to tell her story because I felt like so much of the media coverage left her real story out of it, sensationalized the conflict and moved on, never really shining a light on just how hard she trains and how inspirational her tennis journey has been.
“I really just want to be a person that people can see and be like ‘I can try this, too,’” Cammie says. “Even if they’re not trans, just starting a whole new sport in your twenties or whatever point you are in your life. I hope that people kind of find inspiration in that.”
She isn’t letting this experience with the Tennis League Network get in the way of her becoming the best player she can be. Her hard training makes me want to train harder, too. As I watch her videos, that forehand is only getting stronger. She tells me she’s working on her serve and tries to go out to practice it at least 20 minutes a day. So long as weather allows, she plays four times a week. She works at a fitness studio where she also does multiple fitness classes and cross-trains with spin, boxing, running, and functional training. This is all a huge overhaul from her past, when she could barely run at all. She feels like this is the part that gets left out of her story. She won that first match of her flex league so handily because she worked hard. There aren’t a lot of rec players putting in effort and training hours like she is. The only “advantage” she had on that court was all the work she had put in to better her game leading up to it.
“People just think I waltzed in and just picked up a racquet and was suddenly so good,” she says. “I was so bad.” I’ve seen her post some footage of some of her earliest tennis lessons, and yeah, the difference between then and now is remarkable. That kind of improvement has no cheat codes. She trains at an intensity level on par with juniors and touring players. That level of commitment and competition is what drew me to her in the first place. It’s what I strive for, too. She sets a high bar for what a rec player can be.
Her lawsuit is ongoing, and for now, Cammie is focused on tournaments and matchplay. She’s really trying to stay present in matches, and she can feel the difference the last year of training hard has made. She’s ready to win.
“I feel most beautiful when I play tennis, the most beautiful in my whole life,” Cammie says. “There’s no place where I feel so truly myself.”
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.
so fun to write this and looking forward to the big Cammie v Kayla showdown one of these days!!! 🎾
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I love this! More women’s sports content please! Go, Cammie!
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Incredible story about an incredible woman
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Awesome to learn of Cammie finding joy in tennis, hate to hear how hard she’s having to fight to compete. As it happens, I only found out about Renée Richards last week (listening to BJK’s autobiography where she talks about playing doubles with her,) but so bleak that Cammie is stuck in the same fight 50 years later instead of just being able to play the sport she loves.
Instant follow on Instagram, and cool to see Naomi Johnson giving her tips in the comments!
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I rly loved this. I played tennis as a kid and if I didn’t have long covid I would have been inspired by this article to start playing again tbh
For 16 years, Autostraddle has been publishing sexy, smart, funny, moving, deep, silly, stunning, messy, radiant, and provocative queer and trans writing online. Now we’re bringing everything you love about this community we’ve built together to print! That’s right! WE MADE A ZINE. Introducing: The Autostraddle Insider, a full-color print magazine that you can hold in your beautiful gay hands.
It looks so good y’all! See for yourself!!!!!
But of course, it isn’t just about looks. We go deep in this zine. Inside the pages of The Autostraddle Insider, you’ll find writing and photography that represents the full range of Autostraddle’s kaleidoscopic point of view, from the fun and light stuff like horoscopes, lists, pop culture, and funny stories to the deeper shit like reported features, emotionally complex personal essays, and real talk life advice.
This first issue features a lead story by Nico Hall about the rise in queer fight clubs throughout the country as a response to the current political moment and a desire for expanding the ways we can protect each other but also tap into physical strength and challenge. There’s also a story about the fun and easy brotherhood fostered between transmascs via amateur wrestling. Eliel Cruz and Raquel Willis of Gender Liberation Movement pen a powerful call to action. And you’ll see lots of familiar bylines from Autostraddle favs. There are also crosswords and other puzzles and intimate pages introducing you to the creative team behind the zine.
Some of y’all who have been here a while might find the zine’s official name familiar. The Autostraddle Insider was a longtime monthly column for our members, and we think of this zine as the next evolution of that. It feels fitting to look back as we move forward into the print publishing space: There’s a long history and tradition of queer and trans zine-making, and we’re tapping into that with this project. The Autostraddle Insider is a way for us to thank and connect with our members, which brings us to the question you’re probably dying to ask: HOW DO YOU GET YOUR VERY OWN COPY OF OUR ZINE?
The zine will be sent to all AF+ All Access tier members who are on a quarterly or annual plan and all Support tier members. If you’re not a member yet, it’s super easy to become one today and bundle the zine with your membership purchase for ZERO DOLLARS.
Already have a membership? Check your personal member portal and click ‘My Account’ to see your membership tier, confirm or update your shipping address, and let us know you want your free copy by emailing [email protected].
To upgrade your membership, you can also email [email protected]. If you have been a member of A+ since before the For Them merger and are not sure what your previous A+ tier translates to within the AF+ Membership, all Platinum, all Gold and Silver annual members will receive a zine. You should have received an email with details about the zine and how to receive it.
We also have a limited batch of zines available for standalone purchase, but they’ll go fast! And the best way to ensure you’ll get future issues (we’ve got so much good stuff cooking!) is to become an AF+ All Access member with a quarterly or annual plan.
And once you have this hot queer zine in your hands, we want to see you with it! Please tag us in any photos you post of yourself reading your gay zine around your home, around town, in the club, in a park, on a plane, train, automobile — the possibilities are endless for where you can take us! We hope reading this zine feels exactly like that: carrying a piece of Autostraddle and queer and trans history around with you.
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.
Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.
Love it! If you’re ever looking for a company that manages subscriber data, my company is one of the best in the business.
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Ohhhhh bitches I am signing back up. Put these goodies in my hot little hands plz thx! (Kia ora tangata ataahua)
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Thanks so much for writing this! The article is clear, thoughtful, and really helpful. I learned something new today. @cluster rush
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Ooooh, would you be able to ship to the UK? Also, how discreet is the packaging please?
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Hey Lu! We ship all products internationally and we always ship with discreet packaging. Our logo/full brand name does not show up on the packaging and only an “FT” is displayed on the shipping label. The packaging is unbranded, but the magazine is not wrapped individually to disguise it or anything once the package is opened. I hope this helps answer your question!
This is The Parlour, a place for intimate conversation, a real-time archive, a shared diary passed between a rotating cast of queer characters every week in an attempt to capture a kaleidoscopic view of what it’s like to be a queer person right here, right now.
Let’s call her H.
She took me to dinner at the horse racing track. Twenty-four years my senior and from a family of jockeys, she looked it — small, stacked. I liked the way she leered at my cleavage, the fullness of my chest I often hid, and encouraged me to finish what was on my plate. The deep set crinkles at the corner of her eyes and her leopard print heels.
In her car, she said: Can’t we just make out a little? And when we did, because I liked her wheedling tone most of all, she bit me, and I liked that, too.
Kayla says: I’m surprised they haven’t run you out of Oklahoma yet, and we all laugh.
In my bed, she says: I’d like to fuck you. When she texts me anything sexual she spells fuck, “fck,” as if this clears her of all culpability.
I’d like to fuck you, she says. With a strap-on, she clarifies. Would you like that?
She makes no move to even try to finger me, or to remove my hands from her body.
Sit on my face, I say, instead of answering.
In the afterglow, I lay on my back, head propped up by a pillow. The same pillow she had steadied herself on while she moaned and, at the end, screamed. What noises did I make? None, most likely. The sound of the blood pulsing in my ears was the only thing I could hear, the rest vibrations I knew how to interpret.
Where’d you learn to eat pussy like that? she asks.
I laugh. A book, I say, and mean it.
This happened before, when I was in college. You’ve fucked every lesbian sorority girl in Oklahoma, someone tells me on an app.
Well, I said. Probably not all of them, right?
What happens, this time, is I meet a girl for ice cream, and she’s fine, if not awkward. Under the table, my legs are spread. I don’t want anything serious, she says.
Of course, I say. Me either. But I like to be very clear about these things.
Sure, she says. But isn’t that making it serious?
It’s just a conversation, I say. No one is asking anybody to get married.
She laughs, and I am gratified.
For a long time, I half-convinced myself I was a bottom. Or, not that, but something that removed the personal responsibility of my want, of the full force and brunt of it. What I wanted, in fact, was to be nothing at all. For didn’t I know better than anyone to take on an identity was, in some way, to damn yourself over and over again?
What do you want? someone asks.
To make you come, I say.
And?
I’ll think about it.
The girl from the ice cream parlor comes over to my house on the first snowy day of winter. We sit on my couch and talk about our days. Mine, writing, suffering in the hands of the federal government. Hers, talking to her sister, thinking about where she would like to go next. She seems uninterested in my writing, in my books, in my cats. I don’t mind this. There is, of course, a reason we’re here, in my little blue duplex.
I don’t touch her, just watch her from where she sits across from me. Her hands shake a little.
Are you alright? I ask. You know we don’t have to do anything.
She is silent for a moment. It’s just, she begins — my last relationship with a woman, it wasn’t great.
Ah, I say. I’m sorry.
I think about the word, woman. I think about the ways in which it has never applied to me, and all the ways that it does. Mostly, though, I think, we’re definitely not fucking today. I feel fine about this. It’s better this way. When she leaves, I’ll go to my room and pretend that I have a dick, and that will be fine, too. The sour taste it leaves in my mouth, the deep discomfort of my body — I am most beautiful in my suffering.
Instead of making her exit, though, she surprises me. She begins to describe, in great detail, why this relationship was bad, and what this person, this woman, had inflicted upon her. Apparently, this woman’s ex, who was not really an ex, was tall, broad, didn’t cry when they broke up (over the course of three hours), and had, it seemed, fucked her up beyond recognition, emotionally, by the sheer fact of breaking up with her, though they only “dated” for two months.
It sounds too familiar, and I am curious to my very bones, and so, I can’t help but saying, a little drolly: This state, man, I bet I know her.
The girl from the ice cream parlor laughs, says: You probably do. Her name is C.
Oh fuck, I say.
Thank you for letting me process with you, she says.
Sure, I say.
It’s terrible how she treated you, she says.
I probably deserved it, I say.
Sometimes, when writing an essay, I switch to the second or the third person. This distance, the ability to stretch what I mean and what I say into something that someone, somewhere, could technically embody, makes me feel better about everything I have ever done. When people ask me how I write about what I do, how I choose what to share and what to keep hidden, I tell them that what people connect with most, what they email me about, is my shame and my grief, my humiliation, and perhaps most of all, the gentle prod of humor in those worst moments.
A masc top born and raised in rural Oklahoma, that early death capital, walks into a bar and —
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Autumn Fourkiller is a writer and mystic from the “Early Death Capital of the World.” She is currently at work on a novel about Indigeneity, the Olympics, and climate change. A 2022 Ann Friedman Weekly Fellow, her work can be found in Atlas Obscura, Majuscule, Longreads, and elsewhere. You can follow her newsletter, Dream Interpretation for Dummies, on Substack.
feature image photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images for USOPC
This is Trans News Tracker, a biweekly Autostraddle roundup and analysis of the biggest trans news stories.
I’m writing this week’s Trans News Tracker after returning from a week-long writer’s workshop where Palestinian writers were centered; where queer and trans people got to live, breathe, and share their work without concern over their safety; and where we could have frank discussions about what art can do in the face of the oppression we’re up against. It’s hard to come back from a place like that into the “real world” where devastating decisions are being made in our names and institutions are trying to destroy us. But I know the most important thing we can do right now is keep these kinds of places alive wherever we are and however we can. This isn’t easy work, but what is when we’re constantly facing down the barrels of so many different guns? There’s some hard hitters in the news this week, and yet, there is also always resistance. Try to hold the latter as closely as you can.
The Olympics Officially Ban Trans Women From Women’s Sports
After years of deliberation by the U.S. Olympic and Paralympic Committee over how to craft appropriate policy that would allow trans athletes to compete in Olympic and Paralympic sports, the cowards and losers over at the USOPC voted this week to exclude trans women from women’s sports at all Olympic and Paralympic levels. The move was made “in order to be compliant” with the Trump administration’s (non-binding) anti-trans executive order banning trans women in the U.S. from competing in women’s sports at any institutions that receive Federal funding in any amount and at any funding level.
In the new 27-page “Athlete Safety Policy” document released on Monday, there are no mentions of the stipulations for trans athletes who wish to compete in women’s sports in the USOPC’s policies. Instead, there’s this disclaimer from the USOPC in Section 3, Article 3 of the document: “The USOPC is committed to protecting opportunities for athletes participating in sport. The USOPC will continue to collaborate with various stakeholders with oversight responsibilities, e.g., IOC, IPC, NGBs, to ensure that women have a fair and safe competition environment consistent with Executive Order 14201.”
A letter sent by USOPC CEO Sarah Hirshland and President Gene Sykes and the national governing bodies of the U.S. Olympic and Paralympic sports on Monday made their position patently clear: “As a federally chartered organization, we have an obligation to comply with federal expectations, Our revised policy emphasizes the importance of ensuring fair and safe competition environments for women. All National Governing Bodies are required to update their applicable policies in alignment.”
Of course, none of the statements put out by the USOPC or any of the copy on their website discuss whether or not this will impact female athletes with differences in sex development (DSD), so beyond the already twisted nature of these exclusive policies, they have the potential to further complicate participation for elite female athletes in almost every single sport.
The change comes just a couple months after the NCAA changed their policies to exclude trans women in women’s sports and will effectively stop any further deliberation and consideration the USOPC was conducting around best practices for including trans athletes. It is also likely to impact larger governing bodies in charge of Olympic sports, such as the International Olympics Committee, which is already hotly debating inclusion with its members.
Like the NCAA’s decision before this one, it seems like many sports organizing bodies are simply using the Trump administration’s (non-binding) executive order as a way to bow down to a leader they feel threatened by and halt all conversations regarding the inclusions of trans athletes because they have been increasingly contentious. Whatever their intentions here, it’s as obvious as ever that some of our biggest institutions are always willing to fail us to protect themselves, and that’s something we should be thinking about as we choose to govern how we engage with them.
Some Good News For Once
New study shows that sports help transgender teen’s mental health. Speaking of sports, did you know that playing sports can actually help trans kids fight depression and anxiety? This new study shows it’s true. I don’t think this study will change the hearts and minds of anyone who is against trans inclusion in sports, but I do think it’s important that it exists for us to use in our fight against this onslaught of anti-trans policies.
California to provide LGBTQ suicide prevention hotline after Trump administration axes it. Following the Trump administration’s decision to end the LGBTQ+ youth suicide prevention hotline at the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, the state of California and The Trevor Project are teaming up to create a new LGBTQ+ youth suicide prevention hotline. California state government representatives have explained that, “12 national call centers are currently staffed across California with counselors trained to respond to callers needing support during suicide and behavioral health crises.”
Cuba will now allow trans people to change gender markers without bottom surgery. Cuba’s National Assembly of People’s Power (NAPP) passed a law last week that will give trans people the power to self-identify on their identification documents without having to provide any proof of gender-affirming treatment. Although gender-affirming care has been a guaranteed right in Cuba since 2008, getting that treatment has been incredibly difficult due to the amount of economic sanctions placed on the nation by the U.S. This new law allows the trans community in Cuba to at least have access to social and political transition, even if they are still waiting for medical interventions.
Lesbians disrupt ‘gender critical’ event: ‘You’re not feminists, you’re all clowns’. In response to a late-June gathering of the TERF and gender-critical organizing group The Lesbian Project, a group called The Dyke Project dressed as clowns and walked into the meeting chanting in order to derail the meeting and bring attention to The Lesbian Project’s anti-trans work.
News I Wish I Didn’t Have to Report
Trump administration takes all-of-government approach to target transgender community. Although the headline states the obvious (and we’re covering this twice a month here in the Trans News Tracker), this article does a great job of quickly summarizing what the Trump administration is doing, and the analysis of what is happening in regards to trans rights in the U.S. is useful as we plan to keep pushing against the administration’s actions.
Puerto Rico Criminalizes Trans Health Care For People Under 21. This is devastating, man. And the worst part of this is that it puts into place heavy punishments for those who “violate” the ban through whisper networks or other means of getting gender-affirming care: “The law, which was passed into effect late Wednesday night, calls for up to 15 years in prison, a $50,000 fine, and the revocation of medical licenses and permits for any providers who violate the ban.”
Hospitals Are Limiting Gender Treatment for Trans Minors, Even in Blue States. I hate to link to this awful news outlet and encourage creative approaches to accessing it, but this is an important overview of what is currently happening in hospitals and care centers around the country right now. As the article reports: “The Trump administration has succeeded in thwarting transgender treatment for minors in some of the most heavily Democratic places in the country by adopting an aggressive approach, threatening to eliminate federal funding at individual hospitals and sending providers subpoenas seeking confidential patient information.”
In a landmark move, Children’s Hospital LA closes its gender-affirming care center. Speaking of hospitals and care centers feeling the pressure to shut down because of the Trump administration, Children’s Hospital LA decided to give up on its fight to keep its gender-affirming care clinic open despite protests from local LGBTQ+ organizations and upset parents and children. The clinic has thousands of trans patients under 21 who will now be forced to find alternative care (somehow).
Last Bits
‘Jeopardy!’ Host Ken Jennings Slams Gavin Newsom Over Trans Rights. In response to the possibility that Gavin Newsom might be the 2028 Democratic Presidential nominee, Jennings wrote on BlueSky: “Any candidate cynically ‘triangulating’ on trans kids is a non-starter, and now is the time to say so. There’s still so much time to advance candidates that DON’T suck.” Get his ass, Ken.
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Stef Rubino is a writer, community organizer, competitive powerlifter, and former educator from Ft. Lauderdale, FL. They're currently working on book of essays and preparing for their next powerlifting meet. They’re the fat half of the arts and culture podcast Fat Guy, Jacked Guy, and you can read some of their other writing in Change Wire and in Catapult. You can also find them on Twitter (unfortunately).
feature image by Gilbert Flores / Contributor via Getty Images
Hello and welcome back to No Filter! This is the place where I tell you what our favorite queer celebrities got up to this week, via their Instragram! Let’s rock and roll!
I am loving the fashion of the Fantastic Four premiere, but it does get “Welcome to the 60s” stuck in my head every time! Hey Mama hey mama look around!
This might be the first time I have seen ramen as a preferred on the go snack and frankly? It gagged me! When I am running around and hungry I rarely think “ah yes, now is the time for soup” but maybe I am simply not living out loud!
Do I watch Love Island? No. Am I interested in this conversation simply because these are three of the most beautiful women I have ever seen? No way to know, unfortch! Toodles!
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
I’m a trans guy in my late 20s, have next to no dating experience and giving myself permission to stop feeling like I’m “less than” for not being in a relationship has been one of the kindest things I have done for myself in the last few years. Rarely do I long for romantic or sexual partnership, but I’ve been feeling the itch to settle down and start thinking about kids. And the finances and logistics of doing that solo seem difficult, to put it mildly. Not that it couldn’t work, but it would be hard.
I feel like in some ways, I could be down for a marriage in the sense of contract-to-build-a-family-unit rather than the marriage-driven-by-romantic-love sense. My own parents somewhat fall into that (perhaps due in part to probable autism, which applies to me as well) and while for a long time I had a hard time wrapping my head around it, the fact that they prioritized family stability over personal compatibility makes more sense to me lately. I don’t really want to date, but I think I could make a decent spouse and parent — I’m a kind & reliable person, I like to go places & learn things and I am very responsible financially.
I know there are definitely contingents of straight women who are very upfront about their desire to only pursue relationships that could progress to marriage and kids, but my impression is that is more common in a cishet, “professional” type social scene. Any thoughts about pursuing this in a queer context?
A:
Gotta say, this isn’t the question I expected to see when I checked the inbox. It’s way more interesting and I have some input.
So, I’m South African. We’re a remarkably socioculturally diverse nation — not always willingly, but that’s who we are. We urbanized rapidly, but there’s always an interplay between old prerogatives and new necessities. This matters because it leads to inevitable friction between contemporary morality and old customs. Literally a tale as old as time.
An example: 85% of Black South Africans describe themselves as Christian. Many of these self-identified Christians also recognize and venerate spiritual ancestors. These belief systems are highly varied across ethnic and cultural groups, and there’s no prescribed ‘correct’ way of believing. Reading from the outside, one might think ‘pagan’ beliefs in the ancestors are incompatible with Christianity but believers make it work. Yes, there’s debate and friction, but debate doesn’t stop people from going to church while also celebrating pivotal ancestors on feast days.
That’s pertinent here because when I saw the words arranged marriage, my head went to oh we’re queering the old ways! I majored in Anthropology and studied marriage customs throughout undergrad. I didn’t come away with a knee-jerk negative reaction to the term ‘arranged marriage’.
Who does the arranging?
You’ll never find consensus among social scientists, but most of us accept that an ‘arranged marriage’ is primarily arranged by people who are not the people to be married. Most arranged marriages are arranged between a bride and a groom (not necessarily monogamous). Most are arranged by parents, but input from influential community members can also contribute to the decision.
The minutiae of the arrangement? Infinite. Every marriage arrangement will be different, and even when a group of people have a broad understanding of the rules, they’ll still omit, bend, or break the rules as convenient. A common ‘modernization’ to arranged marriages gives the bride or groom veto power over candidates. Sometimes, the betrothed won’t meet each other before the wedding. Some relatives and figures will be explicitly included or excluded from the process. There may be an exchange of gifts between the families to cement the new connection.
For the curious, dowry is generally given to a groom’s family by the bride’s family. Bride price is generally given to the bride’s family by the groom’s family. Despite the caustic association ceremonial gifting has with ‘buying’ a partner, actual dowry and bride price practices are much more complex and varied. They run a whole spectrum from basically slavery to a fun way to bring the whole family together.
What makes an arranged marriage distinct is that it’s a social affair involving people other than the betrothed. There’s politicking, gossip, laughter, misery… everything that comes with a family event. The involvement of others is one of the main reasons arranged marriages leave egalitarian societies with a bad mouthfeel. Societies that prize equality and personal agency (often accurately) see outside influence on marriage as coercion or an imposition on individual rights, especially where brides in gender-unequal societies are concerned. Make no mistake: Arranged marriages have a long history of injustice, especially as it relates to women and girls. Their moral and legal status is still a searing topic of debate between the right of people to practice religion and culture, and the right to self-determination.
But there are plenty of ways to practice arranged marriages without falling into these flaws.
We’re making culture gay again (and I approve)
By now, you’re probably seeing a disconnect between the relationship you’d be down for and an ‘arranged marriage’ in the sociocultural sense. You’re looking for a cards-on-the-table partnership with familial intent and robust organization. Your relationship goal doesn’t need an arranged marriage unless you want other people in your business. And your future partner’s business.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I actually think you’ve got a case for how civil unions can have a place. Hear me out.
While queer people (often accurately) see civil unions as a consolation prize for not giving us marriage equality, it is an existing legal and social institution. We do have some control over what values we ascribe to it and how to shape it. There are also people who choose a civil union over marriage for a range of reasons. I’ll never tell anyone marriage is a universal ideal, and I won’t start now.
If you’re not familiar, a civil union is a legally binding arrangement between partners that resembles a marriage. The main criterion is that it has to be recognized in your jurisdiction and follow relevant laws and customs. Where it breaks down is that civil unions lack the legal consensus of marriage. Different jurisdictions provide different (often unequal) rights to civil unions versus marriages. A common point of contention is that civil unions may prohibit adoption or legal recognition of biological children from the union. That’s horseshit and should rightfully be opposed. Indeed, I’ve never heard of a civil union providing more legal privileges and protections than a marriage, but we’re awash with examples of civil unions having less.
However, people still choose civil unions, especially in places where the rights of a civil union are equal to marriage and there is well-established support for queer living. Many ‘legacy’ queers chose civil unions because it still represented a culmination of their advocacy and effort. Others pick it because it’s a secular alternative to marriage. In places where civil unions are legally equal to marriages, they’re a good idea for people who don’t believe in the baggage that comes with marriage. All the sociocultural and religious stuff that ‘marriage’ implies can put a real bad taste in people with religious trauma. Marriage can also turn off asexuals who dislike the sexual and romantic implications inherent to the institution. As much as we ought to have a right to marry, we have to acknowledge it’s not for everyone.
Robustly recognized civil unions appeal to nerds like me who care more about the organization and logistics of relationships than marriage as a concept. I’m not intensely attached to the ‘culture’ of marriage because to me, all culture is peer pressure from dead people. The term ‘civil union’ is evocative of a contract with rights and responsibilities. Yes, that’s what marriage is, but there can be less romantic overtones to it. Like wedding vows for spreadsheet people.
Your personal arrangement
Pursuing a ‘partnership’ or ‘union’ can also inform your approach to relationships. Everything you’ve laid out in your question is stuff that will be conveyed to future partners. It’s the groundwork for your dating portfolio. Not like a Tinder profile, but a full who you are and what you need that’ll match you to someone with fitting desires.
You’ve mentioned not feeling very romantic or sexual about your future relationship. But you want someone cool by your side to face life’s challenges. There’ll be love in the form of consensus and support, not necessarily romance. There’re definitely people out there who match your needs. Queer existence is practically defined by modifying traditional partnerships to better match personal needs.
As for how you’d steer yourself in this direction? By being upfront about what you’re looking for. If you use dating apps, they’re full of indicators you can opt into to tell other swipers your intentions. Whether you want kids or not, want long-term or not, all of it. Use those functions. Make a note in your bio text stating that you’re aiming for something that’ll involve mutual reliance and children. Present your case after a few dates and hear the other person’s intentions. People who have a task-oriented approach to dating and love do exist. I’m one of them.
Oh, and from one assessed-and-confirmed autistic to someone who thinks they’re a bit autistic: Consider talking to a professional or getting an assessment. Your submission was the most autistic thing I’ve read today, and I mean that with maximum love.
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Summer Tao is a South Africa based writer. She has a fondness for queer relationships, sexuality and news. Her love for plush cats, and video games is only exceeded by the joy of being her bright, transgender self
One of my queer friends has found – in her case two – people she raises a child with and neither of them are romantically involved with each other. You can find the constellation that works for you, put yourself out there, saying exactly what you’re looking for!
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Hello! As someone who is currently in a queer platonic marriage I wanted to let you know such things do exist. I have always known I didn’t want to settle down with a romantic partner(s). However, the idea of having someone to share life in all it’s vast complexity with was still appealing. I was vocal and open about this desire, prioritized queer friendships, and eventually met someone who felt similarly. After a lot of discussion, two years of living together, sharing chores and bank accounts, traveling together, meeting each other’s families and enerally making sure we felt our desires for a future were comparable we got married. My wife and I are not romantically involved – we both still pursue romantic relationships outside our marriage when we want but it’s not a central point of our lives. The life we have built together is loving and stable, I feel we balance each other exceptionally well and make wonderful partners. I hope that you stay true to yourself and your authentic wants; pursue them openly and without appology. Queer marriage is a tapestry of many colors, and I have every faith that you can find the right partner for you, however that looks.
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Hello! I don’t quite know if this is at all helpful to you but I grew up in a really queer area, and it’s not quite an arranged marriage, but one of my friends (for ease of explanation) step-parents had decided that she really wanted children, but didn’t have or particularly desire a romantic partner. Coincidentally, her best friend and his husband also wanted children, so they decided to cook up a few children and raise them together as a platonic family unit. This is to say that I don’t know exactly what you’re looking for but there’s another option?
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It’s so nice to hear about another trans masc person who wants to have kids, I often feel like that’s a side of myself I have to hide especially in younger queer spaces. So far in my trans dating experience I still haven’t met someone who’d want to have kids (at least not from baby to adult). I, too, have contemplated arranging something with a friend or friends so that I can still get the support I need even if I have to raise a child by myself. Much love, man.
When was the last time you lost track of time? For some, it happens frequently and can make getting tasks done really hard. For others, it is a rare blessing that signals we’ve finally let go and are enjoying ourselves. Whatever your relationship is to linear time, this cosmic weather invites you to loosen your grip on “getting it right” and find a way to let a bit of the playful Leo spirit take over.
Despite all the forces currently working to challenge our existence and retract our rights, this is a season to savor the present moment, reconnect with your capacity for queer joy, and be honest with yourself about who and what in your inner circles are getting in the way of letting your unique light shine boldly without apology.
The planetary alignments this month support deep reflection, authentic self-expression, and creative risk-taking, so allow yourself to be carried away by inspiration when it strikes. Below you’ll find a guide to understanding and navigating what the stars have in store for us.
Leo Season Highlights
Leo Season begins on July 22 and ends on August 21.
Key Dates
July 23: 💥 Venus in Gemini square Mars in Virgo emphasizing tension around balancing being carefree and responsible
July 24: 🌑 New Moon in Leo opening a portal for reflection on attention-seeking patterns and an opportunity for setting new intentions and goals around visibility, creativity, and initiation
July 28: ✳️ Venus in Gemini sextile Chiron in Aries take a moment to integrate and celebrate what your relationships have been teaching you about yourself
July 30: ➡️ Venus enters Cancer shifting relationship dynamics toward a more nurturing and moody mode
July 30: ↩️ Chiron in Aries Stations Retrograde reworking our perspective on identity wounds
July 31: 🌀 Mercury in Leo Cazimi (Conjunct the Sun) an important moment to pay attention to signs and signals from the Universe
August 6: ➡️ Mars enters Libra asking us to think a little longer before we act
August 8: 💥 Mars in Libra opposite Saturn in Aries emphasizing challenge around where and how to take action on your ideas — do you actually have all the information you need to make a decision yet?
August 9: 🌕 Full Moon in Aquarius illuminating capacity for connection, highlighting where we’ve been too detached or in denial about something
August 11: 🏁 Mercury Stations Direct Goodbye glitches! Hello time to be honest with ourselves about what we learned no longer works for us . . .
August 17: ✳️ Mercury in Leo sextile Mars in Libra take a moment to communicate your needs more directly
August 22: 🌑 New Moon in Virgo opening a portal for reflection on routines and habits and an opportunity for setting new intentions and goals around health, fulfillment, and energy exchange
August 22: ➡️ Sun enters Virgo initiating a new zodiac season!
Leo Season Breakdown
All things considered, this time period is a bit of a break from the brutal cosmic transitions we’ve been experiencing for most of this year. Leo Season is a time for play! And as we conclude Mercury Retrograde and get used to all of the outer-planets being freshly in new signs, Leo Season also calls for integration.
Integration is the process of absorbing, processing, and applying the lessons, experiences, and insights we’ve gained during periods of significant change or transition. It’s like digesting a meal — without proper integration, we can’t extract the nutrients or benefit from what we’ve consumed.
Integration is especially important after intense astrological periods (like the planetary transitions we’ve been experiencing this year) because it allows us to cement new understandings and prevents us from repeating old patterns. True change happens when insights move from intellectual understanding to lived experience. And for those of us who are constantly striving for self-improvement, integration helps us honor our growth by making space to acknowledge how far we’ve come and the wisdom we’ve gained, rather than immediately rushing to the next challenge.
There are many ways to practice integration, and the approach that works best will depend on your personal style. Some examples include journaling, meditation and mindfulness, therapeutic conversations, ritual and ceremony, and art, music, dance, or other creative outlets.
Play and pleasure are not merely allowed during integration — they’re essential! The Leo energy that dominates this season reminds us joy is a powerful catalyst for integration. When we’re in a state of play or pleasure, our nervous systems relax, we can better access flow states, and we naturally embody deeper presence. Joy and pleasure remind us who we are beneath our roles and responsibilities, connecting us to our core essence.
So during this Leo Season, despite all the horrors and uncertainty, consider how you might approach integration not as a serious, heavy task, but as a playful exploration. Could a day at the beach help you process recent changes? Might dancing in your living room reveal insights about your path forward? Integration doesn’t have to be a boring, structured process — it can be sexy! It can be simple! As Leo so beautifully demonstrates, it has to be uniquely yours.
If you’d like support with astrological integration, check out my 2025 Retrograde Guide Journal for writing prompts and other exercises (It’s half off through 8/11).
Below are horoscopes for each zodiac sign. Please read for both your Sun Sign AND your Rising Sign for a more complete picture!
Leo Season Horoscopes
♌ LEO
Welcome out of your chrysalis and into the solar spotlight, Leo! It’s your time of the year to be extra extra. Despite being characterized as infamously showy, your sign does often rely on clear invitations and a supportive audience to shine brightest. So, how are you going to celebrate? And can that celebration also serve as space to integrate the lessons of this year so far? Making space for reflection can be part of the fun, and it can go a long way in supporting the process of revealing new layers of your most authentic self. With the most recent Mercury Retrograde happening in your sign, something has shifted. New parts of yourself want to be revealed. The New Moon in Leo on July 24 offers a perfect reset button for your personal narrative — what story do you want to tell about yourself this year? When people ask you “what’s up?” and “what’s new?,” what energy do you want to bring to the conversation? This does not have to be a serious “issue” to solve or fix. It can be a game to play. Try things on. See how they feel. Repeat.
♍ VIRGO
Virgo, you are coming out of a very busy time. Leo Season invites you to slow down a bit. Your brilliant mind is constantly scanning for ways to improve what’s around you, so give yourself permission to retreat into less stimulating environments when needed. Leo Season invites you to say yes to invitations that replenish rather than deplete your energy and recognize that you can’t fix or save everything! As we close out this recent Mercury retrograde, consider what activities can help you turn your energy inward and reclaim some of the resources you so often and easily give to others. What have the last few weeks taught you? Inspired in you? What you’re working with is more information than ever before, and that can leave you feeling scattered. The New Moon in your sign on August 22 represents a potent reset moment — instead of setting goals, consider what you can release from your plate. This will free up energy to start off your own season lighter and ready to receive.
♎ LIBRA
Every season is one of rebalancing for you, Libra. It is your nature to constantly be recalibrating. In Leo Season, the scales are set to assess your social dynamics. What groups are you part of and how much energy are you giving and taking from these spaces? This retrograde season has been trying to illuminate some new clarity surrounding your friend group or any collaborative projects you are part of. Do the people you spend time with match your values? Are the groups you show up for showing up reciprocally for you? Are you having fun!? Let Leo Season be a time to integrate the honest answers to these questions. After Mars enters your sign on August 6th and then Mercury stations direct on the 11th, communication begins to clear up, allowing you to articulate your boundaries and desires with more precision and confidence.
♏ SCORPIO
People typically think of your sign as secretive, even reclusive. That certainly can be true, but Scorpios can also stand out and strike when they want to. You tend to step into the spotlight less frequently than other signs because when you do it’s for a good reason—like speaking truth to power, expressing something incredibly heartfelt, calling out a lie, or making your love known. Leo Season can be a time of increased visibility for you. What is on your mind and heart that is ready to be shared? What would you like to be seen and known for? This has likely been an activating retrograde season for you, stoking misunderstandings and activating miscommunications. As Mercury moves direct, what activities can you commit yourself to that will help you move through the muddy emotions that have been stirred up? What can help you process these feelings a little more fully before taking any abrupt actions on them? This is not to silence you but rather to make your message that much more meaningful and your actions more regenerative.
♐ SAGITTARIUS
Do you feel the buzzing, blissful energy of epiphany in your system, Sag? Leo Season tends to be an intellectually stimulating and adventure-inspiring time of the year for you. Savor this perspective. And, if you’re having trouble accessing this sense of optimism and direction, consider what activities could help you sort through the blocks between you and your zest. This Retrograde Season may be instigating some setbacks in your plans, but have you been able to see yet that these are blessings in disguise? Have you been able to re-route towards something you wouldn’t have guessed you needed? Keep the faith! And return to the practices, books, people, and places that connect you to something bigger than yourself. Leo Season has adventures in store for you that you can’t fully plan for but that you can certainly prepare yourself for.
♑ CAPRICORN
Being Saturn-ruled, you have a specific drive that not everyone is endowed with. Maybe this maps onto what we consider to be traditional “ambition” or maybe that drive takes you through unconventional plans and projects. However you use it or don’t, you have profound capacity. Leo Season asks you to reflect on this innate power and consider how your goals and commitments might be changing. This isn’t about external recognition; it’s about understanding your own hidden energy reserves and recognizing where to pivot toward what actually lights you up. Choosing to integrate this recent Mercury Retrograde will help the process! Consider setting time aside to reflect on your collaborations and everything you feel responsible to or for. Relationships are another key theme for you this season, as they’re deeply connected to the way you manage your personal resources. Where is your joy being supported and exalted? How can you make space for more?
♒ AQUARIUS
As Leo Season lights up the sky, notice how people around you act as mirrors reflecting parts of yourself, Aquarius. Pay attention to which individuals trigger strong emotions—whether it’s envy, delight, or irritation, these interactions are offering important clues about your evolving emotional landscape and personal needs during this transformative time. Whether intimate, professional, or familial, this Mercury Retrograde has likely been testing one or more of your relationships. Who has been pushing your buttons? What is that revealing about your own communication patterns? Notice when you snap. Notice when you internalize. Notice when you want to impress someone and when you could care less. Making space to integrate the deeper layers of these moments rather than breezing by them will pay off in the long term as you repeat old patterns less. Even though this kind of reflection can feel like a lot of work, consider how it could also be play. Leo Season is testing your connections, but that doesn’t have to be limiting! Lean into your experimental nature and get creative (kinky, even) with how you approach these dynamics.
♓ PISCES
Although your nature is to be unmoored, Leo Season beckons you to anchor yourself! This is a ripe time for grounding. That could look like the proverbial “go touch grass” or it might be time to tackle lingering mundane tasks like responding to messages, scheduling appointments, or going through your closet. How can you make whatever it is that you know you need to attend to but have been avoiding just a little more enticing? This Mercury Retrograde may be bringing up significant logistical hurdles or even health issues for you. Leo Season isn’t asking you to push past your window of tolerance, but rather to incorporate essential practices that strengthen your resilience and replenish your energy to address whatever obstacles come your way. What is both fun and resourcing? What pleasure helps you integrate presence with the tasks at hand rather than continuing to avoid them? Make space for that.
♈ ARIES
Leo Season matches your fiery spirit and encourages you to do what you do best—following your impulses! Let yourself have fun and explore your whims. With Saturn in your sign this Summer, you are better learning how having fun and indulging in pleasure does not have to be a distraction from your responsibilities, rather it can be a way to resource yourself to continue forging forward with the especially challenging stuff and the everyday mundane tasks. What might look like chaos from an outside perspective, can actually be a very effective system from your unique vantage point. During this Mercury Retrograde, there might be times where you’ve felt defensive of your creative process. Have there been any misunderstandings that have brought up old, internalized shame or guilt about how you express yourself? About when you make mistakes? Take note of these feelings. Make space to investigate and integrate them. Pay extra attention to these themes when Chiron stations retrograde in your sign at the end of July. The more you bring conscious awareness to these wounds the more powerfully you can give yourself and others permission to be whole—learning and teaching, messy and wise, fun and functional.
♉ TAURUS
Taurus, for you, Leo Season is all about building deeper self-trust. By nature, you have strong instincts. But you are also stubborn and sometimes that results in you staying with something longer than you know is good for you. Or fighting something that you know isn’t worth your energy. This Mercury Retrograde has been trying to direct your energy inward, to reveal patterns that keep coming up again and again despite not serving your highest growth or deepest joy. Have you taken time to reflect on these patterns? Have you gained any clarity on what you might let go of to make more space for a new vision or lighter heart? It’s okay not to know. It’s okay to know but not yet be ready to take action. Leo Season can be for resting, for reflecting, for play and pleasure. Just remember that while you can be the most grounded and consistent sign in the zodiac, you also have a remarkable capacity for change when it’s on your own terms. Set your own terms.
♊ GEMINI
You are infamous for being one of the more “chatty” signs of the zodiac, but people don’t even know half of the wild ideas and daring questions that pass through your mind all day. With Uranus freshly in your sign, you’re at the very beginning of a 7-year journey of radical and unexpected changes to not only how you think but also to how you conceive of who you are. This is a chapter of breaking further away from convention and the confines of what other people expect from you. The boldness of the Sun in Leo invites you to speak your mind, share your wild ideas, and add your unique insight to the conversation. As we’ve move through this Mercury Retrograde, what have you noticed about how you tolerate being misunderstood? What has been revealed about who can match your curiosity and play in the unknown? As you continue to change, grow, and share your ideas, remember to make space to integrate all this information! Fact-check yourself. Double check your sources. And don’t forget to come back to the body, too. To breathe. To stretch. To nourish.
♋ CANCER
As we move out of your season and into Leo Season, let this be an opportunity to integrate what you learned and what you enjoyed! This Mercury Retrograde may be testing your sense of security. Cancer, what is feeling scarce? What parts of your life have you been neglecting? Leo Season wants to offer you space to ground, to digest, and to replenish any areas of your life that have become depleted. Consider readjusting your finances if last month’s spending exceeded your budget. Perhaps your body needs rest after a busy Cancer season. Identify what requires attention and use this time to restore your foundation. That can include calling upon your community for support. So often you are the giver showing up for everyone else. Leo Season’s energy supports you in addressing your own fundamental needs!
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
G Weaver is a queer astrologer, creative coach, and certified digital wellness educator. She has a special interest in humans. Whether exploring the collective psyche through the cosmos or studying and teaching about how the Internet is impacting us all, she is passionate about understanding and supporting transformation. She offers readings, classes, and publishes audio, written, and visual content on numerous platforms—connect with her here.
Season 3 of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds dropped its first two episodes of the season, and while the season doesn’t seem to have any queer romances brewing, the franchise’s queer actors are hoping for a gayer future.
Jess Bush, who plays nurse Christine Chapel, said to Out Magazine: “I would love for our show to represent queer love on screen…I think that that would be wonderful!” Her character has hinted at dating women in the past, and Bush did tease that it’s possible LGBTQ+ fans will be represented in the future of the series, but of course couldn’t reveal too much.
Melissa Navia leans into the queer energy and gender fluidity of her character, Erica Ortegas, the pilot of the Starship Enterprise, and says that one of the lessons she hopes that audiences take away from the show is: “It’s our differences that make us stronger.”
Celia Rose Gooding, who plays communications officer Nyota Uhura, echoed a similar sentiment, saying, “‘Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations’ is, I think, a core quality of Trek, and I think our present 2025 world could learn a lot from that.”
Of course, Star Trekhasn’t been entirely straight over its long and storied past. Season One of Strange New Worlds featured non-binary actor Jesse James Keitel; Star Trek: The Next Generation had a taboo relationship with an agender alien; two alien women fell in love briefly in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine; and Star Trek: Discovery gave us a nonbinary character and their trans boyfriend.
And like the queer actors of Strange New World, I’m hoping for a gayer future for Trekkies everywhere.
+ It also came with a video of Reneé singing the song on a theater stage and, unlike Mad (which is a bop, don’t get me wrong) it really shows off her vocal talents
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Valerie Anne (she/they) a TV-loving, video-game-playing nerd who loves reading, watching, and writing about stories in all forms. While having a penchant for sci-fi, Valerie will watch anything that promises a good story, and especially if that good story is queer.
feature image photo by Bryan Steffy / Contributor via Getty Images
Of course Andrea Gibson would leave us in the middle of Disability Pride Month.
It feels like one final shout into the world: I was here. I was chronically ill. I mattered — and you do, too.
The first time I heard Andrea Gibson’s work, my partner — at the time, someone I was just beginning to fall in love with, now my spouse — sent me a YouTube video while I was commuting to a soul-crushing job. The kind of job where the Director of Human Resources once looked me in the eye and said, “Jesus loves you regardless of your lifestyle choices,” and my ableist boss regularly complained that I missed too much work for medical appointments.
I spent a lot of time literally hiding in my office, praying no one would knock or need anything. Every time someone looked at me, I had to shove whole parts of myself — my illness, my queerness, my heart — into the dark recesses beneath my desk. Do not be queer. Do not be disabled. Do not be upset. Pretend you can keep up. Pretend you are like them.
The video was a performance of Andrea’s poem “Good Light.” I put in my earbuds and sat silently on the bus, letting the words wash over me:
“Got rid of my yes trying to make a no so big it could go back in time,
swallow everything that happened that should not have happened…
But then I met you and I started feeling myself open,
started feeling my yes coming back
and it was the sweetest thing I had ever known.”
At the time, I was fighting a confusing, escalating storm of symptoms. I was burning through sick days at a job that punished absence but gave no room for rest. The fatigue, the pain — it was often too much to even sit up in bed. And yet, the doctors I saw — some of the so-called best in the country — either shrugged or told me it was stress. No one believed me.
Then the algorithm delivered “Angels of the Get Through.” It felt like Andrea was sitting beside me talking directly to me:
“This year is the hardest of your whole life.
So hard you cannot see a future most days.
The pain is bigger than anything else.
Takes up the whole horizon no matter where you are.”
And I broke. I cried on the bus — publicly, messily, unavoidably — because I felt this poem understood me in some impossible way. So I did what anyone does when something cracks you open: I went down the inevitable internet rabbit hole. I searched for this Andrea Gibson person, hoping their work could help me make sense of myself.
What I found was someone who had lived with chronic Lyme disease, an illness the medical world still largely refuses to acknowledge. It’s one of several diagnoses akin to a modern day “hysteria” because so many doctors refuse to believe they exist and often tell patients that it’s in their head, like chronic fatigue syndrome, POTS, endometriosis, long COVID, and fibromyalgia.
Andrea wasn’t alone in this. There’s a long and powerful queer lineage of artists whose bodies were politicized, pathologized, and misunderstood and who still chose to create from that place. Frida Kahlo painted her pain. Audre Lorde wrote fiercely about her body, her cancer, and her Blackness. Andrea belongs in that legacy: queer artists who insisted pain was worth documenting — not to be pitied, but to be witnessed.
I’ve been living on the spectrum of disability my entire life (and yes, disability is a spectrum, not a binary), but the medical system was too sexist and too siloed to believe me. Finding Andrea’s words — and more than that, their pain — felt like throwing open a window I didn’t know had been sealed shut. I wanted to collect every quote and scrawl across my life like a teenager with a MySpace page: Believe me. Understand me.
Andrea had a rare and radical ability: They could name the agony of chronic pain and illness without giving in to hopelessness. Their work lived in the unspoken reality of being sick, not in the media-friendly story of the disabled person who bravely “overcomes.” They wrote about the real middle, the tightrope where so many of us balance our lives. Where illness is grotesque, humiliating, boring, enraging, lonely, normal. They wrote the whole brutal truth we often work to hide, so we can be the good, palatable disabled people we’ve been taught to be. Their words pulled illness out of the shadows, gave it dimension, contradiction, and beauty. In “Gender in the Key of Lyme Disease”, they write:
“Good God.
There isn’t a healthy body in the world that is stronger
than a sick person’s spirit.”
This is not a Hallmark movie kind of hope but the gritty kind that drags itself out of bed even when your joints say no and your blood pressure isn’t interested in standing. They wrote about the fever that felt like freedom because it came with a name and an end, just the flu. They wrote about being carried, literally, on a tandem bike by their partner. About the self-doubt that sneaks in when you wonder if someone could possibly love you with your illness. Gibson didn’t make illness pretty. They made it real.
Their poem “An Insider’s Guide on How to Be Sick” is one of the clearest examples of that: a raw, defiant manual for surviving the unbearable, one appointment, one crash, one breath at a time:
“This pain that wakes you screaming in the muzzle of the night / This pain that woke your lover, chased her to another room / to another life… This not knowing what the test will say / This pray pray pray / This hospital bed / This fluorescent dark.”
That poem didn’t pity sick people; it simply believed us, and it raged with us. It refused to perform for the healthy. And most importantly, it didn’t create a false happy ending. It offered truce. Not a cure, not resolution, but survival as protest. Survival as song.
“On my most broken days
when my faith is a willow
and the pain has nothing but an ax to give,
the only thing I want more than to die
is to live.”
“That needle is the needle on a record player, Doctor.
Everything–and I mean everything–can learn how to sing.”
In the wake of their death, I’ve seen so many tributes calling Andrea’s fight with cancer “brave.” But that word — brave — flattens what Andrea spent their life resisting. They weren’t interested in sanitized heroism. They didn’t perform inspiration. They told the truth.
“A difficult life is not less worth living than a gentle one.” – Andrea Gibson, “Every Time I Ever Said I Want To Die”
It’s not about overcoming illness; it’s about living alongside it, through it. Yet many remembrances and articles have focused on their gender and their cancer while glossing over how long they lived with invisible illness and disability. Chronic pain that cannot be conquered and tied up neatly with a cure and a bow doesn’t make good headlines in an ableist world, but it shaped Andrea’s life and their voice. To leave it out is to miss something essential.
It might seem inappropriate, even uncomfortable, to quote so many of their poems about death in the wake of their own. But Andrea never shied away from that discomfort. As they wrote in “Come See Me In the Good Light”: “Everyone’s survival looks a little bit like death sometimes.”
Because the truth is: Living with chronic, incurable illness often does feel like hovering at the edge of life and death. We lose friends and community members far too soon. We live with statistics — life expectancy, survival odds, complication rates — etched into our minds. We take medications with side effects that sound more terrifying than the illness itself. And we’re constantly reduced to numbers: heart rate, blood pressure, blood counts.
Andrea understood this. You’d be hard-pressed to find a poem of theirs that doesn’t mention death, and yet, in that ongoing conversation with mortality, Andrea showed us how to live.
Their poem “Tincture” was first shared with me as a work-in-progress at a live show. Andrea said they wrote it as a lifeline — for the days when the pain was so bad they wished they didn’t have a body at all. It ends with a stunning moment: the soul, newly freed from the body, is greeted by the stars. The stars, desperate to understand:
“I can’t imagine it,” the stars say.
“Tell us about pain.”
And I think: I hope, Andrea, that you’re at peace. I hope you’re out there somewhere, telling the stars about pain.
Because your pain made us feel less alone in ours. You showed us what it could mean to live with pain, not despite it. To be queer, sick, brilliant, messy, hopeful, and real.
Thank you.
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Heartfelt thanks for this beautiful piece. I love all your writing on disability. Have to admit I’d never heard of Andrea until learning of their death, may they rest in peace. Every line you quoted resonates deeply as someone with multiple ‘invisible’ illnesses, I will definitely seek out more of their work.
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Thank you, Katie, for this beautifully written tribute to Andrea Gibson. As a chronically ill, disabled, nonbinary lesbian, who had breast cancer, I’m glad someone has called out the brave washing of Andrea’s death. Their work and their life, so intricately entwined, was a salve to the soul that needs honesty not platitudes. Andrea so beautifully captured the fluctuations of disability and illness and you’ve honoured that. I don’t cry about the death of famous people, but I bawled when I read Meg’s post about Andrea’s passing. I’m so grateful the world was gifted with their existence and creativity.
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Thank you for this Katie <3. (And ugh to all the spambot comments).
This past WNBA All-Star weekend has generated unprecedented levels of buzz, content and delight — in large part due to the (seemingly) unsanctioned and ecstatically entertaining live-stream of the event executed by Court Williams (Court) and Natisha Hiedeman (T), aka the Stud Budz. For what GQ declared to be “one of the most cheerful, devil-may-care weekends in recent memory for professional sports,” the game itself was almost an afterthought. This time, the foreground was ceded to the Stud Budz, who brought their followers on an unedited journey into Indianapolis’ hotel hallways, messy rooftop parties, hungover practices and tunnel gossip.
The Stud Budz danced, several times in several different contexts, to Pink Pony Club. T ordered an IV to nurse her hangover. They threw it back with Syd Colson. They door-dashed a scooter and scooted around town. They did the Shmoney with Cheryl Reeves. T shared a tentative hug with her maybe-crush Skylar Diggins. They were interrogated about strap-on behavior by Megan Rapinoe. They befriended Caitlin Clark’s aunts, and sang “Love” by Keyshia Cole with their arms slung around Paige Bueckers. Court told Diplo to play more hip-hop a the Sports Illustrated party and then hung around the DJ booth to ensure his compliance.
“If StudBudz has proven anything to people, I hope it’s that WNBA players really do not hate each other and that this space is absolutely an inclusive space where ppl can be themselves and it’s the norm,” tweeted @sheknowsports. “That stream is EVERYTHING.”
Court and T, both 5’8 guards for the Minnesota Lynx, started their Stud Budz Twitch channel at the top of the season, streaming their daily hangouts (except game days), often with special guests (e.g., Dijonai Carrington, Marina Mabrey), all season long. Aside from the thousands who tune in live, there are possibly millions more who scroll through clips every evening on TikTok and Instagram, including myriad viral moments.
Court is the more dominant personality — she’s loud, unrestrained, honest, perhaps the only person in history to respond to accusations of misogyny with the defense, “I don’t even know what [misogyny] means, so there’s that.” Her laughter is full-bodied — she stomps her feet, leaps out of her chair, slaps any nearby shoulders, vaults across the room and back. She’s got an energy that brings you in and shakes you around. T is a more subdued character, the wide-eyed little brother just thrilled to be invited but also very ready to get in trouble. She’s funny, sharing Court’s self-deprecating sense of humor, but they play off each other so perfectly — Court’s bigness over T’s more sneaky, subtle, straight-faced tomfoolery. T is earnest, supportive, and very good at being adorable. They’re both fundamentally unserious and always unpretentious. Most of all, they love the hell out of each other, and it’s just lovely to watch a friendship like theirs, oh-so-rarely represented in the media, right there on our phones every night.
Williams was picked for the 2025 All-Star team, and shortly thereafter they announced they’d be bringing Hiedeman for a 72-hour livestream of the entire weekend. The objective, it seemed, was mostly just to have a good time and earn some sponsor cash. The result might change WNBA marketing forever.
They turned up in a series of lightly or precisely identical outfits, both heads of hair freshly dyed hot pink (they often dye their hair during livestreams), delivering an open-hearted, chaotic window into the WNBA’s friends, lovers and chosen families.
The Stud Buds takeover also reiterated what the true backbone of this league has always been — Black women generally, and often Black lesbians specifically. And they made the entire weekend GAY AS FUCK. Here are some of the many gay highlights:
Tash Cloud Won All-Star Skills Challenge, Promised Her Girl a House
After Cloud secured her first All-Star competition victory in the 2025 All-Star Skills Challenge, she sprinted to the sidelines, lifted her girlfriend Isabelle Harrison into the air, and kissed her right on the mouth. In interviews, she heaped praise on Harrison, acknowledged the extreme privilege they have to play on the same team and celebrated the financial winnings which will enable her to put a down payment on a house. “You’re gonna get that house!” she said to Isabelle. Furthermore: “We’re really thankful for where our journeys have brought us and our careers brought us and this is just the next step. So yeah, this is going to be money well spent.”
Paige Bueckers and Azzi Fudd Were In Full Girlfriends Mode
Don’t worry, we’ve written an entire post about Paige Bueckers referring to Fudd as her “girlfriend” on the orange carpet in an interview with wagtalk. But they were unabashedly together all weekend long. On Stud Buds, T got her way into a photograph, cheesing that she was thrilled ot be pictured with THEE power couple of the league. Azzi was repping her own stuff too, launching the Fudd Around and Find Out Podcast.
WNBA Lesbian Relationships Got Put On Blast
Of all the couples in the WNBA, wasn’t just Paige and Azzi in the spotlight this weekend!
Jonquel Jones earned some heat a few months back when she commented on an instagram post distributing points to WNBA teams for how gay they were — disappointed that the New York Liberty hadn’t come out on top, she went ahead and shared some missing names, which included asking, “How Gabby on the list but not Marine..?” She was, of course, referring to French ballers Gabby Williams and Marine Johannes.
Many know or believe Williams and Johannes are engaged, but neither have confirmed even being girlfriends. After Court casually flirted with Williams on their livestream, she relayed to Johannes, “I know all y’all trying to act like I was trying to take her woman, I wasn’t. I love your woman.”
Marine steered clear of the livestream for the remainder of the weekend — but then the sportscasters got in on the action. After Gabby took a show, Rebeca Lobo noted, “That was for Marine Johannes, I bet”. Ryan Ruocco followed up with, “Gabby’s longtime partner.” OK THEN!
Finally, I must mention that the players are continuing to fight for better pay in their Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA), with both All-Star teams showing up to the Saturday night game in “pay us what you owe us” t-shirts. Over 40 players showed up to a union/league meeting on Thursday, but didn’t feel any progress was made.
The skill and fight of these players is on display six days and/or nights a week all season long, but this weekend wasn’t about competition but about personality. It has never been more obvious than it is at this moment in history how much value the WNBA brings to the table, how much talent and charisma remains under-appreciated, how these women bring a playfulness and joy and sexual tension to athletics that you just wanna capture in a bottle and hold close forever. This is sport at its purest. The game itself was fun to watch, as it always is — players passing the ball to the other team or an injured teammate, eschewing defense altogether or trying to block a shot with an around-the-waist hug.
Asked why she thinks fans caught on so fast to the Stud Budz, Cheryl Reeves told reporters, “Quite simply, they’re just being themselves.,” adding — “I remember a time in our league that that would not have been okay. So I think that’s how far we’ve come. Our product is about our product on the court but then [also] the stories and the personalities of our players — it’s such a fun place to be in…. this is how Courtney and T are all the time.”
The WNBA has notoriously attempted to feminize its players to increase league appeal over the years — early marketing leaned heavily on transforming tomboys into high femmes for photoshoots and public appearances, but that sensibility never left the league entirely. The Stud Budz are just two of many players who’ve proven the WNBA can only truly thrive when it embraces the authentic gender presentations of its people.
“This might be the best weekend of my life,” T said to Court on the Friday night livestream. Court was already under the covers while T bopped around.
“Oh, friend!” Courtney screamed.
“No, I’m serious twin,” T insisted.
“Oh T, the best weekend of your life?!?”
“The whole weekend?” T was incredulous. “Yes!”
Courtney threw both arms into the air, bringing her best friend in for a hug, and as T leaned into her, Court yelled, “I love you, bitch!”
And don’t we all.
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.
I’m so curious about Rebecca and Ryan mentioning Gabby and Marine. Was that something they were told those two wanted to come out and they could talk about? Are they two of them hanging out enough with players they they knew it and like Jonquel didn’t know it was a secret and just outed them?
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my guess is that they thought they were being good straight allies by acknowledging a queer relationship on the broadcast without realizing that it wasn’t public information — i mean it seems to be widely known to the point where Marine’s teammate Jonquel Jones didn’t know it wasn’t public information, either?
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Yeah I think that probably was it. Ryan was trying to name all the lesbians in the audience at one point.
Fascinating that this is where we have gotten to.
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WNBA All-Star weekend has always been a Lesbian Holiday, and now the Stud Budz have given us a peek inside the parties. Don’t forget Court and T teasing DJ Diplo to pump up Angel’s party on Sunday night. And Court’s tagline for flirting with all the girls, “You smell good as F%&#!”
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The Dallas Wings didn’t fly Azzi to the All Star Games. She and Renee were referring to the time she attended a Dallas game in Atlanta.
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court going straight to the DJ having no idea who diplo was …. perfect
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i am so beyond curious to know what’s going on with marina and saniya rivers!!! maybe they’re not gay for each other and maybe it’s just a case of marina really looking out for saniya after the recent death of her mom but i tbh think that we the people deserve for BOTH of these things to be true!
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me too! i am so profoundly confused and intrigued
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Also Courtney’s ~official~ WNBA TikTok clip about a common misconception about her being that she’s still in a relationship—and Phee’s shocked face—“Whaaaat? I’m in the field! Send the baddies!”
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yes i love that she decided to make it VERY clear!
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I’m getting a headache already thinking about how the corporate Satan’s are going to ruin this for next year by either squashing it or trying to brand it.
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i know we got to experience something so raw and unvarnished! and that was the beauty of it. it’s been so cool to watch from the beginning and see them grow inch by inch and now they’re gonna be growing by the mile. i hope they’re able to stay who they are.
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i love this so much for our masculine players, an untapped market waiting to be explored honestly.
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Let’s really talk about how Court and her crew tried to get into a club and definitely got only half her people in. The bouncers were like, THE W!?! THE WHAT!?!
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This is not a rumor it is a fact. From Saniya Rivers herself. She said on tiktok live with Marina Mabrey from 7/17/25. That she is Paige Bueckers ex. They used to date.
Well my friends it is WNBA All-Star Weekend, when all the stars align and we’re able to see so many of our faves on the court at the same time. I will say that this year’s roster is a bit straighter than I’d like, with only six queer players signed up to compete. But let us never forget that there are 43 current WNBA players and a whole lot of gay former WNBA players and often they date each other, or date other basketball players from all around the world. In fact, let us take a moment to count them out.
This list includes every basketball couple in which:
Both have played or are playing basketball at the professional or collegiate level
One or both have played or are playing for the WNBA
They are still officially confirmed to be together
Currently there are three confirmed couples in which both women are on WNBA teams — Natasha Cloud & Izzy Harrison, Dewanna Bonner & Alyssa Thomas and Dijonai Carrington & Nalyssa Smith. There are heavy rumors and speculation around Gabby Williams and Marine Johannes but neither have officially confirmed so I will let them preserve their peace!
The two exceptional basketball players have been best friends for years, having met in high school at a USA basketball camp and played together on youth national teams before ending up at U-Conn together. When they look at each other, hearts and stars explode right out of their eyeballs, it’s really something! The fan edits will make you believe in love again. After a certified hard launch via phone case, Paige Bueckers referred to Azzi Fudd as her girlfriend with entire words on the All-Star orange carpet in an interview with wagtalk. It was a moment to treasure forever and truly beyond adorable. Paige is currently giving it her all for the Dallas Wings while Azzi finishes her last year of school and picks out all of Paige’s shoes.
(Photo by M. Anthony Nesmith/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)
Naylssa Smith and Dijonai Carrington have been one of the funnest relationships to witness as a fan. They’ve been dating on-and-off since playing together at Baylor, and participated in one of the W’s most viral lesbian moments in 2023 when Smith, playing for The Fever, helped the Sun’s Carrington up with a little extra linger like you would to someone you’d had sex with. This year, Smith and Carrington had the brief opportunity to play on The Dallas Wings together and be Paige’s gay aunties before Smith was traded to Vegas. But their love lives on!
(Photo by Erica Denhoff/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)
Alyssa Thomas and Dewanna Bonner started dating in 2020, as teammates on the Connecticut Sun — and Thomas proposed during the 2023 All-Star Weekend. Ahead of the 2025 season, Thomas was traded to Phoenix and Bonner to the Indiana Fever — but Bonner left the Fever in June and got picked up straight away by Phoenix. Isn’t that romantic? Also, Bonner has twins with her ex, Candace Dupree, who was also a basketball player.
Tasha is an elite defender, an outspoken activist and one of the W’s biggest personalities, and in an interview this year, said that Izzy Harrison radically transformed her life at a time when she was in need of refocusing, and also that Izzy is a ““beautiful straight woman that fell in love with me,” Okay then! They now have the extreme privilege of playing on the same team after both got traded to the Liberty (Cloud from Phoenix, Harrison from a year overseas).
While these two, despite wearing engagement rings, have never publicly acknowledged their relationship, the WNBA All-Star game announcers, the Stud Buds, and Jonquel Jones kinda took care of that for them. Both have played in Europe and on the French National team in the Olympics — Gabby for the Seattle Storm and the Chicago Sky, and Marine for the Liberty in 2019, 2022, 2023 and the current 2025 season. While Gabby’s father is French, she was born in the U.S., whereas Marine was born in France. So they probably say cute French things to each other.
Jewell Loyd (Las Vegas Aces) & Natalija Marshall (U Miami)
Loyd, formerly of the Storm, who joined the Aces this year, while her just-announced girlfriend Nat Marshall has transferred from Notre Dame to Miami to finish up her collegiate career. The duo hard launched on Sunday, June 20th, with a post on instagram declaring, “Some souls just find each other.” On July 11, Loyd posted a pic out to dinner with a special someone at the end of a slideshow that many in the comments declared “soft launch” but for those of us who could not recognize that palm, we simply had to wait.
Stewart’s wife, Marta Xargay Casademont, is a former player for the Phoenix Mercury and the Spanish National Team. They met playing professional women’s basketball in Russia. In 2021, Marta retired from the sport — the same year in which she and Breanna got engaged, got married, and brought their first child, Ruby Mae, into the world. They had their second kid in October 2023.
Known as “The Vanderquigs,” Courtney and Allie met in Slovakia at the end of the 2012-2013 Euroleague season, and ended up on the same flight back to the U.S. to prepare for their upcoming season with the Chicago Sky. Eventually their friendship turned romantic. They hold first and second place for many of the franchise’s all-time statistical categories and are the first married couple to win a professional sports championship together. While Courtney still plays for the Sky, Allie hasn’t played since 2022 but officially retired in May of 2025. They welcomed their first daughter in April.
Leading college women’s basketball player Olivia Miles and Chicago Sky rookie Maddy Westbeld have been dating since college and co-parent a cat! Miles was widely predicted to be the #2 pick at the 2025 WNBA draft, after a solid career at Notre Dame, but she opted out of the draft, entering the transfer portal and signing with TCU. But next year they will ideally both be playing in the WNBA and I think that will be very fun.
Now-retired WNBA legend Diana Taurasi (the league’s all time leading scorer!) married her former teammate Penny Taylor in 2017, after eight years of dating. Taylor had their first son in 2018, and in 2021, her second pregnancy went past its due date and overlapped with The Phoenix Mercury’s WNBA final games. In her post-game interview Taurasi told her wife, “hold it in babe, I’m coming,” and then flew home to Phoenix from Vegas to witness the birth. That’s iconic behavior!
Vivians spent six years in the WNBA and now serves as assistant coach for her alma mater, Mississippi State Bulldogs. She got engaged to Tierra Ruffin-Pratt, formerly of the Washington Mystics and the Los Angeles Sparks, in 2021, and they are now married and very cute together!
Candace Parker (Retired WNBA) & Anna Petrakova (Retired Russian Professional Basketball)
Another WNBA GOAT, Candace Parker, delighted us all when she revealed to the world in 2021 that she’d married Anna Petrakova in 2019 and they were henceforth expecting their first child. Parker met Petrakova, retired Olympian and former Russian Premier League player of the year, in 2012 while playing for UMMC Ekaterinburg in Russia during the WNBA offseason. They now have three kids — Parker’s daughter Lailaa from a previous marriage and two sons they’ve had together, Airr and Hartt.
Mikaela Dombkins (Retired WNBL) and Leilani Mitchell (Former WNBA, Currently WNBL)
(Photo by Ian Hitchcock/Getty Images)
Mitchell, a dual citizen of the U.S. an Australia, was drafted to the Phoenix Mercury in 2008 and currently plays with the Southside Fliers of the WNBL in Australia. Mikaela Dombkins currently coaches the Bendigo Spirit of the WNBL but also played for eleven seasons. Dombkins gave birth to their sun Kash in 2018, and their daughter Elle in June of 2022.
Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?
Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.
Such good recommendations. I think I am the rare lesbian who really liked YOU……
I’m a big fan of Bad Sisters as well. Hope to see more coverage of it.
Thanks!
my favorite kind of gay tv!!!!! (fucked up gay tv)
Ooo definitely adding some of these to my to-watch list. Also re-reminder that gypsy exists and how utterly rivetting it was. Also throwing a bone to mare of easttown, which my partner and I devoured that I think also sort of fits the vibe of this list? Kate Winslet I think about your clearly bisexual swagger weekly