We the Jury Find in Favor of Autostraddlers, to the Amount of 20 Comment Awards!

Did You See That Comment?This week was cray-cray! Rosie O’Donnell was all over the news, and some neon-haired gossip blogger actually BROKE Autostraddle for a couple hours by linking to our audio article of Rosie O’Donnell on Howard Stern. (Yes, we brilliantly embedded a full-quality hour-long audio file on our shared server, unprepared for the results of many people listening to it at once.) We all admired genderf*cking Suicide Girls, Lily dealt with airplane/life anxiety, Taylor unveiled her iPad ambivalence, and Jess probed the mind of EZ Girl – the woman behind the disembodied ghost voices behind The L Word.

And after following Autostraddle’s Prop 8 Gay Marriage Trail coverage for two weeks, we now await the closing arguments & final verdict with bated breath. Before I present the evidence of Autostraddlers’ awesomeness, let the record reflect that I brushed up on legal-ese TV tropes for this post. Now, if I may direct your attention to Exhibit A:
Turn of Phrase Award to Nick Mellish on Day 8 of the Prop 8 Gay Marriage Trial: “Bat shit crazy doesn’t even sum it up. That would be offensive to diarrhea-addled bats.”

We Value All Insight Award to Lissi on Day 9 of the Prop 8 Gay Marriage Trial:

“Unlike the brilliant mind above, i just felt like saying ‘Funsies’ is about the greatest world ever. Sorry guys, i let you down… no epic insight here…”

WARNING: Do Not Attempt Simultaneously Award to RachelwasHere on Sunday Funday: “People need to have more hobbies. Like knitting. Or lesbian sex.”

Queer Goggles Award to aaannie on Heard It On TV:

“So, kind of random, but has anyone else seen the Sprint ‘chairlift’ commercial? I’m only asking because I think the third person on the ski-lift, Rose, is a total lez! Am I projecting here?”

Sprint CommercialLesbians Can Accessorize Award to Lexi on Canada Votes Lucas Silveria Sexiest Man: “YAY FOR CANADA – America’s marginally more tolerant hat!”

Heartfelt Homo Love Letter Award #1 to brown bear on Laneia’s Team Pick: Parkour Stuff:

“Dear Autostraddle, With you, do I really need friends? You love me unconditionally, and you never fail to make me happy. You lovingly embrace me in your big gay arms on a daily basis. You will never borrow my favorite pink shorts and get crud on them or agonize endlessly in my ear about your relationship status. You will comfort me in the night when I’m feeling undersexed or stressed or frustrated; you will uncomplainingly watch sappy movies with me over and over; you will never tell anyone about that time I got drunk and ran up and down the stairs of my house naked, singing the 1812 Overture and trying to molest the trash can. And that’s why I love you.”

THE VASHTI SELIX ALLCAPS AWARD to TSwizzle on If eHarmony Embraces the Gays, Should Manhunt Straddle the Strais?: “YEH!!! DOUWN WIT DIKSHANAREES!!!”

OMG, You Know That Girl Too?! Award to Li on Kristen Stewart’s Sundance Interviews:

“She’s kind of a tomboy version of that cute alternagirl who works at the coffee shop, rides a bicycle, has all the tattoos and wears little hats, and you automatically think, ‘HOT LESBIAN!’ before you find out she’s dating some trust-fund beardo who is allegedly an artist, but nobody has ever seen his ‘work’ except for some photos he’s done of people’s cats.”

Scissor Sister Award on on Autio/Video Teaser of Autostraddle’s New Webseries:: Scissor Sister AwardLola Loves When You Name-Drop HDYSTC! Award to Dulcinea on Autio/Video Teaser of Autostraddle’s New Webseries:

“Also, the fact that Nat liked my half-joking AutNATic win comment so well she changed the name of the series is the best thing that has happened to me since that HDYSTC award! Yay for democracy!”

… Same Difference Award to Lindsey P on Day 9 of the Prop 8 Gay Marriage Trial:

“In fourth grade I had a monster crush on Hannah Cohen because we both liked Rachel from the Animorphs. Turns out, she was just a big fan of strong female protagonists. Turns out, I was a big ol’ gaymo.”

In-Flight Entertainment Award to southpaw on Lily’s College Lesbianage #5:

“my personal anti-angst method is to watch really raunchy scenes from the L-word while in the middle seat. why yes, that lady is having sex with a wall, where are you flying to?”

Heartfelt Homo Love Letter Award #2 to wasteunit on Day 12 of the Prop 8 Gay Marriage Trial:

“Rachel, I love you. Bam. I said it. If this all goes our way, maybe you and I can take a little trip to California. Wink wink. I’m only kidding. Unless you’d be into it, in which case I’m totes serious. I’m going to miss these recaps so much. You probably aren’t. Can you keep recapping things? Like a play-by-play of ordering pizza or something? I need you.”

Trust Me, I’m a Doctor Award to MsNJS on What If This Headline Made Something Up About Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt Breaking Up: “As the resident Angelina Joliologist, I can assure you all that they have not/are not breaking up.”

T.W.S.S. Award to Alex! on Apple Announces the “iPad” to Our Collective Horror (and Excitement?): “Grr, the urge to play with it is killing me though. (That’s what she said?)”
"That is also among the things which she said."Our Goal in Life Award to Ziggy Hreins on Autio/Video Teaser of Autostraddle’s New Webseries: “To bravely straddle where no man has straddled before.”

The Perks of Being a Gayflower Award to JentheJew on Sunday Funday: “I’m going to start using my lesbianism as a defense against anything I do:

“Ma’am, you were speeding”
“That’s not possible, officer. I’m a lesbian.”
“Oh. Have a nice day, ma’am.”

“Jenny, I asked you to do the laundry yesterday!”
“Dad! I’m a lesbian! Remember?”
“… okay.”

Best Pitch for a Roadtrip Buddy-Comedy Movie (aka Lezz Apatow) Award to Julia from MI on Day 11 of the Prop 8 Gay Marriage Trial:

“Maybe we should take ‘Gross’ on a field trip and show them all the different types of shirts women wear and all the different kinds of haircuts they have… or maybe we should leave ‘Gross’ at home and have our own field trip where we appreciate the diversity of women through appreciative glances and well meaning objectification.”

Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow Award to DemiArianna on 10 Genderf*cking Suicide Girls for NSFW Sexy Sunday:

“Lesbian Bed Death?! Sounds like what happens to my mattress after I’m done gettin’ it on. Have to buy a new one every time.”

The bcw Award for bcw on Obama’s State of the Union:

“he had to acknowledge the gays somehow and DADT is the safest bet right now. everybody loves gay soldiers isn’t that what like, band of brothers was about? no? i never saw it.”

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  1. OMG! I won 1.3333333333… awards! Now, if only I could kill bcw (no offensive) and turn the “bcw award for bcw” into the “wasteunit award for wasteunit” my life would be complete.

    • You are certainly a witty commenting machine, wasteunit (THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A ROBOT NAME!) I go through every. single. comment. when I write HDYSTC, and you got about 4 other awards that I had to trim out. Because how boring was it when Titanic won every fucking award that one year? But yeah, just KNOW THAT THEY DID EXIST. I’ll never let go, wasteunit. You’re the king of the world!

      • Umm, I love you. You know that, right? Surely you must know that. I feel like there’s room for a “Jack drawing a naked picture of Rose” joke in your Titanic reference, but I’m too overwhelmed with emotion to come up with it.

      • WOW, mad props to you for going through every single comment. And happy props to you too. Who goes through the “married, in a relationship, and it’s complicated” comments?

        p.s. HDYSTC is the highlight of my week. I am so not even kidding. My self esteem lies in your hands.

    • me too! The part about getting my own award being my life goal… not about the killing bcw. No worries BCW. I officially do not want to kill you.

  2. I was almost at the end of the post, and so afraid there wasn’t going to be a bcw award this week.
    I had a complaint letter drafted up and everything.

    Crisis averted.

      • Beer showers–not showers of beer, which would also be dope, but showering WITH a beer–are what make bathing fun. When you were little, it was all about Elvis hair and bubbles and making your Barbies swim/forever ruining the texture of their hair. Now it is all about a) showering with a hot lady or, in the event of not havin’ a hot lady, b) BEER.

      • beer in the shower is my favorite shit ever! i can’t get nice & clean and ready for a night on the town without beer in the shower. srsly.

      • excellent reference, bcw. i am so nostalgic for the days of drinking beers in the shower, and the downhill slide which followed. which was delicious, so sweet and so cold

    YES, THIS, THIS THIS THIS. I’m gonna bust a seam.

    Omg, Li! that’s hilarious.

    these were RIDIC.

  4. P.S. I recently discovered my English teacher is gay, the first thing that tipped me off was that she’s flippin’ hilarious. This view comes from being around you bunch of crazies all over this AS comment thing. You guys are THE funniest people I’ve ever not-really-met.

  5. Dikshanarees just might be my word of the day. I adore this column and look forward to reading the insanity every Friday.

    • Word of the day — oh, the irony! We must add ‘dikshanaree’ to the Autolexicon. (Being that it’s an Autostraddle column, HDYSTC! has its own set of #feelings, and it adores you too.)

  6. Re: The Perks of Being a Gayflower Award

    I read this quote somewhere some said, “Homosexuality is not a disease. Can you call in gay to work?”

    My sister, ” That would be great though, I’d be like ‘I can’t come in today, I got a little case of gay.'”

  7. “WARNING: Do Not Attempt Simultaneously Award” haaa thank you. :)

    And I’ve just had an image of how that might be attempted which is HILARIOUS and awkward.

  8. i love autostraddle a lot. also bcw. she’s the funniest person i never met. ok this embarrassing. bye.

  9. update: i have come to the conclusion that i, in fact, do not need friends. autostraddle will suffice.

    • Oh no! I mean, I am For Michigan, but also From Michigan. This is what happens when you use another computer to comment.

      • Ack no, I think this is what happens when Lola from PA makes a typo — I know you’re Julia from MI! Just used my magic powers to fix it.

  10. Does anyone else look through the Comment Awards and see people you know from the comments win, and you’re all like:
    “Oh that’s great she won that, she’s one of my funniest friends”
    and then you realize that you’re not actually friends with any of these people and you are just overcompensating with internet friends because you don’t have any real life gay friends, because there are no gay people in Alberta?


    That’s just me?

    • I think internet friends are actual friends! I spend so much damn time online, for work & for ‘funsies’, so I think my online life is just as valid as my “real life” (or rather, that they aren’t separate entities). After college & my own vagrancy, a lot of my “real life” friendships shifted into online friendships anyway.

      What I’m trying to say is that it is great that one of your funniest friends won a comment award, because she’s one of my funniest friends, too. And so are you! There may not be gay people in Alberta, but Autostraddle has a fuckton, and you’re allowed dual-residency. Autostraddle is home — that’s why every time I press the little icon of a house, it takes me to Autostraddle.

  11. I was just telling one of my breeder buds that I need a good lesbian click to pal around with, and then I came home and HOYEAH HI FRIENDS!
    Really, I’m very thankful for all of y’alls…and I have a lot of feelings. :)

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