At the end of this week’s educational laugh-a-minute heart-pounding action-packed sizzling-smoking-red-hot-naked-sparkly season finale of The Real L Word, Ilene Chaiken attempted to ensure a Season Two by hypnotizing the audience into a starving zombie trance. Poltergeist/EZ-Girl style musical intonations asked our hungry hearts to crave a Season Two Sandwich-Pack: “I just want you to stay,” the music told us. “Don’t say goodbye,” it said ten times. This week, Whitney saved Nikki’s dog from a burning building, Mikey did a Zach Morris time freeze and everyone did a Riverdance, come on don’t you WANT US TO STAYYYYYYY?
Well, unlike EZ Girl’s classic “Shane and Carmen Fucking,” the I JUST WANT YOU TO STAY track laid over the Saved by the Bell Friends Forever Ending Montage of Love/Future/Sunset did not steal our souls. It was a good song, and actually it was a good episode too, but this is not weheartit dot com. LA Fashion Week is OVER BITCHES. This ain’t no disco. This is Dinah Shore Weekend. Welcome to the future.
Mostly, this episode solidified my mind’s 5,000-word thesis on how this show could’ve been so much better than it was (just like The L Word!), which I will be posting on Autostraddle in under 1,500 words at some point in the next 24 hours. If you’re wondering if it’s hard for me to go through life knowing so much more than everyone else, the answer is yes, it is. Very hard. Difficult to make friends, actually.
I suggest you print out this recap, staple it together, and take it with you somewhere to read. Then it will feel like a magazine, which costs money, and then you’ll feel like, “Oh my god, did I accidentally steal a magazine?!!” and then you’ll come back and pay for it.
Oh right, this show, dunzo. Let’s talk about it. Let’s relive it together, as a family, because not all of you were present when Carly, Jess, Laneia and I lived it together as a family LIVE.
BUT FIRST! Something changed for me this week w/r/t how I feel about The L Word. Yup. The Original.
It started when Rose and Nat were throwing around 3-4 standard key phrases always employed in Nat-Rose scuffles: you’re a bitch, don’t be drama, Rose could fuck all these bitches and/or a bag of chips right now if she wanted, ok then go, ok face the fact that you’re not talking right, la la la, and you know who I missed?
I missed Papi and I nearly called her for a churro, ’til I remembered —
Rose, you’ve made me re-think Papi. See, prior to learning that Rose had inspired the character of Papi, I’d assumed Papi to be a conglomerate of cheap Latina stereotypes Ilene had picked up from watching movies about earnest white teachers who inspire inner-city high school English students to believe in themselves. But no, Papi was based on an actual human being!
I’m grateful for Papi’s existence as Autostraddle’s aggressive promotion of “Really Papi Really” into the internet lexicon will probs be our only true legacy. But I failed to make the obvious connection: Papi was a PUNCHLINE. She was a joke, a parody, and she was fucking hilarious. On a show that had never cared about racial diversity, it was totally irresponsible to make Papi the punchline which, unfortunately, made her less funny than she would’ve been as the comic relief in a more responsibly representative show.
Anyhow, I’ve chosen to share some of Papi’s best lines with you during this recap, which is the best I can do short of writing an article called Crystal Loves Papi, making Really Papi Really t-shirts or writing the recap in Papispeak a la FourFour’s Natashaspeak recap.
It’s time for another round of everybody’s favorite party game, Stuff White Lesbians Like!
This week, the question is HAVE YOU BEEN TO CLUB SKIRTS THE DINAH?
In case you’re wondering AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE, we have! We were there! You’ll hear more about that, mostly because we find ourselves far more fascinating than anything on the teevee, which is one of 5,000 reasons we’re not on the TV (reason #45 probably relates to me needing teeth whitening/makeup lessons/facelift, reason #1 is that many of us are afraid of cameras). Carly wasn’t at The Dinah this year, but Laneia, Jess and I were.
Tracy’s been to Dinah. It’s like lesbian spring break! Tracy has nice teeth!
Rose LOVES THE DINAH, it’s basically a combination of ALL her favorite things about life: talking loud, tits out boobs in the mouth and large hotel rooms.
No really. Mariah Hanson should hire Rose as Club Skirts Dinah Shore’s official spokesperson as Rose loves Dinah Shore Weekend completely sans irony. Rose IS Dinah Shore. Also, next year we want a big suite with beer, Suicide Girls, and Cheddar Bay Biscuits as a finder’s fee.
Rose suggests, “they probably have a bronze statue of me somewhere,” which is either the one of Rose finger-fucking Billie Jean King while getting sandwiched by Melissa and Tammy Lynn with kd Lang’s tits in her face, or it’s this one (doodle by Taylor as per ushe):
Jill’s never been, will never go, and Nikki’s not gonna take her:
Nikki: It has nothing to do with being gay or straight. I would never attend a weekend like that. You just wanna get me in trouble with the gay community, don’t you?
Nikki: WE FEEL YOU. We went anyhow, despite it being the kind of thing we’d never do gay or straight, because that’s what lesbian media outlets do. And we had fun. We had judgey fun!
Jess: I’m so excited, I’m so scared!
Laneia: THE DINAH!
Riese: Why does everyone keep describing this as “Girls Gone Wild for Gay Girls” like “Girls Gone Wild” is happy fun drunksex time and not opportunistic straight men with cameras taking advantage of intoxicated needy women to further their own capitalist patriarchal agenda?
[nobody cares, here’s Mikey:]
OKAY LET’S GET THIS FINALE SHOW ON THE ROAD!
And Sara Makes Three
Sara, Julia and Sara’s cousin have arrived here from San Francisco with their hats on, ready to brave a long winter in West Hollywood!
Beware, Said the Dog. Beware of the Power of the Clam
U-Haul stipulated six name drops and one visual in their product placement contract for TRLW, here is that last one:
“RIESE IS RIGHT WE COULD TOTALLY DONATE”
Jill:Where are all the coffee mugs?
Nikki: They’re probably in the back of your car!
WELL CHRIST. Where are the coffee mugs? It happens here, I suspect the fourth roommate is stockpiling them in the basement to throw at my head. Anyhow, Jill says that Nikki is on edge, and the dog is scared. They’re gonna go to the airport to pick up Nikki’s best friend Kathleen.
Laneia: Is Kathleen her ex? Her crush? Her masturbate fantasy?
Carly: Oh dear
Riese: Her first make-out?
Teal Tank Top Crush
It’s Tracy’s roommate, Michele, along with Yin, Yang and the chicklets. You may recognize Michele from Logo’s CURL GIRLS. SHH ILENE DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT CURL GIRLS IT NEVER HAPPENED. This is the first lesbian reality show ever!
If you can’t be the best, just be the first, just ask George Washington. Dude doesn’t even need to make money. GEORGE WASHINGTON IS MONEY.
Tracy & Stamie are gonna have more Rad Mom time with Tracy’s Mom, probably going to Truck Stop or the Dinah.
Stamie: I’ll make a deal with your Mom. She wears flats, and I won’t kiss you in public.
MAKE OUT MAKE OUT
Stamie: Her Mom’s like baby steps, baby steps. I’m like bitch you’re almost 60! How many baby steps you got in you?
Let’s baby-step outside so Michele can wax her board and we can experience a well-done, emotionally resonant scene:
Riese: These scenes are short.
Carly: HEY MICHELE!
Riese: This is gonna be difficult for recapping.
Carly: HOW’S THAT SURFING GOING?
Riese: I’m already stressed HAY SURFER GIRL!
Michele: I’m amazed that [Tracy’s mom is] out here, visiting and spending time with you because that’s a first.
Stamie: Yeah, that’s nice —
Michele: It’s only taken four or five years!
Michele: How are you doing?
Stamie: Oh it’s — I’m glad I met her Mom. It’s a little stressful. Cause you don’t wanna put it in her face, you know —
Michele: Well it’s hard because gay people are so used to sort of aborting their everything and kind of putting it to the side just to make everybody comfortable —
Stamie: Right, maybe that’s it, I haven’t done that in so long —
Michele: That’s the irony of gay people being accused of being “in your face” —
Probably, that’s — that’s the biggest thing — is having to hide it again, you know?
Harriet the Spy: The Case of the Missing Salami
Stamie: Oh Hi!
Tracy: Hide what?
Stamie: Uhhh hide the salami.
Tracy: What are you talking about?
Stamie: We’re hiding the salami.
Michele: It’s behind the couch.
Tracy: You’re talking about hiding your sexuality!
Jess: I can already tell that Michele is real.
Laneia: My reasoning would be twofold: this is the most valuable convo of the whole season, re: real life.
Riese: I know that was weird. I had to stop drinking for a second.
Laneia: OMG TRACY IS SMELLING THE KIDS FOR POOP DIAPERS I just fell in love with Tracy!
Tracy: I want my Mom to accept me as I am. And accept my life the way that it is.
Just like nature, and the planets, and our bodies, ourselves:
“I Guess The Atmosphere I’ve Tried To Create Here is Bossy Girlfriend First, Actual Boss Second, And Probably an Entertainer Third”
Rose, continually breaking all the rules of ‘having a relationship that works,’ has hired Nat as her assistant, so they can be together all the time except on Bromance night. Rose says Nat did this or that thing wrong and then ROSE STEALS HER PEN!
Carly: Oh this is a terrible idea right here.
Riese: Wait! This is actually like my life, which is overall a terrible idea.
Laneia: It is.
Riese: It is a terrible idea FACT.
Laneia: JUST GIVE HER THE PEN.
I SAID DELTAAAAA!
Normally Nikki’s basically a boxer-brief clad Jimmy-Buffet-listening Party Animal guzzling Piña Coladas, but today she’s a wee bit tense. It’s so weird!
Nikki: Jill, you can’t leave people stranded in an unfamiliar airport.
Laneia: Alex left me stranded at the airport.
Carly: Jill, you can’t leave people stranded in the airport. There are no signs anywhere.
Papi sees right through Nikki’s “tension”:
The happy couple eagerly waits at the baggage claim for the descent of Kathleen. BUT. WAIT. THAT’S NOT KATHLEEN!
Anyhow guess what, it’s not a friend, it’s Jill’s Mom. I know. IT’S FUCKING ADORABLE AND WE ALL ALMOST CRIED.
Riese: Oh! Nikki is a good girlfriend!
Laneia: I almost want to cry? Am I drunk?
Riese: My eyes are slightly teary.
Carly: This is sweet actually. Snark-free zone.
Jess: Can’t make fun.
Laneia: UGH SIGH BUNNIES!
You’re kidding about the bronze statue, right?
Rose: Dinah’s definitely a hook-up fest. I mean I go crazy at Dinah. When I’ve been to Dinah in the past, I would’ve been with every girl you could possibly get.
ALL OF THE GIRLS! Nat says it’ll be interesting to go to Dinah “as a couple” though in the back of her mind she’s worried and nervous, because lemme tell you, girls have never looked better than they do trashed and sunburnt at the Dinah! (WHAT?) Before long, the back of Nat’s mind will attack the front of her mind and then explode, like in Paintball and War, and who will be there to clean up the mess? Probs DJ Lezlee.
Rose is taking a different tactic. She learned it from Papi:
Rose: We’re not gonna fight. It’s like lesbian prom.
Nat: No, it’s like Lesbians Gone Wild. You promise not to be bitchy?
Rose’s pants are on fire ’cause she’s a liar liar, it is nothing like lesbian prom. Nice try.
Riese: “Lesbian prom'”? “Lesbians gone wild? Pick a straight trope and stick with it, SHOW!
Laneia: It’s not like lesbian prom, at all. It’s like lesbian spring break gone wild prom without the corsages.
Rose suggests they make rules like not making out with other people. Nat suggests they make rules like not being bitchy and making big deals out of nothing. Rose wants to know if Nat wants to make out with other people. Rose says Nat is confusing her.
Rose: “It’s hard for anybody to have a relationship with like 25,000 lesbians around you. Dinah’s definitely the test for any couple, but definitely for Natalie and I.”
Because Rose is the only woman interested in swapping spit with all 25,000 lesbians, this problem is really serious. Like yeast infection serious.
They probably are anyhow because of homosexuality being an abomination.
Jess: Where is Dinah? I’m ready to see us on the big screen.
Riese: I think we ran away every time we saw cameras. We were scared of being in the background.
Laneia: I love that Nikki is already in our corner re: the Dine.
Riese: I was remembering the other day how I really felt at the time, like TRLW cameras were devil-robots sent by Ilene to kill me, and when I saw them anywhere near us, I literally ran.
Laneia: Yes, we did.
Riese: I thought they would eat me. It could’ve been the drugs.
Later tonight this tattoo will graze your vadgehole as my fist angles in
For Raquel’s birthday, Mikey tattooed Raquel’s name on her giant crowded arm, which is akin to opening a kiosk in the mall to sell tiny lava lamps & ipod accessories and saying HEY BABY I’M THE PRESIDENT OF BLOOMINGDALES.
That’s right, for Raquel’s birthday, Mikey bought herself a tattoo. I’m doing that for my Mom this year with personalized towels with her name on them for me.
Raquel: That’s like my name on your body permanently.
Mikey: Oh shit, I meant to get somebody else’s name.
Papi sees what’s going on here:
Mikey doesn’t know how to give Raquel what she wants emotionally because her emotional growth was stunted by her upbringing seeing people getting shot in the face, like in Menace II Society.
How fascinating! Oh well, last episode. Who killed Jenny? Fashion week.
Riese: Wait. Why is everyone being so like –“real”?
Jess: Because it’s the last week of shooting and they’re over it.
IT’S TIME TO HIT THE ROAD AND GO TO DINAH SHORE, HOME OF 25,000 LESBIANS WHO WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ROSE AND SHOOP!
Everyone’s packing up for the big journey to Palm Springs! Get your dental dams and bikinis and beer and stuff! Scarlett makes Whitney promise “no drama,” which is a silly thing to ask the chair of Drama Club.
Riese: WHERE’S TESS
Carly: Why isn’t Alyssa going? #sad
Papi knows why Alyssa isn’t going:
The Closer I Am to FINNEEEEEE…
Guess whose home Rose rented!?!!!! I’ll give you a hint: she’s dead and it’s not Helen Keller. Give up?
Carly: They rented Dinah Shore’s home? Oh Jesus. The ghost of a golf player is going to haunt them
Riese: She’s going to sing to them in their sleep.
Laneia: When I went to New York, I ‘rented’ Riese’s home. So it kinda makes sense.
One of these days these wedding dresses are gonna come to life and walk all over you
FINALLY we answer our Number One Question: what dress is Jill gonna wear to her wedding? We had like TEN KABILLION ideas, all of which leave money left over to give to Autostraddle.
1. Birds make dress from leaves and foresty things = free
2. Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” wedding dress, which Lilo is wearing here. Probs has it at home, but she’s in rehab, so you just need to go get it = free if you don’t get caught
3. Track jacket + t-shirt + mini skirt + tights = under $100
4. Mormon Wedding Dress to pay homage to the people who made it impossible for you to get legally married = probs tax-deductable
But uhhh… also. This one? This one looks good too.
Say Yes to the Dress
On a scale of one to ten, with 1 being Fashion Week, 8 being Pretty Pretty Princess and 10 being Portia DeRossiDeGeneres, Jill looks RAD. Everyone gets teary.
Laneia: I wonder if they ever get really exhausted talking about dresses.
Riese: That dress looks good.
Laneia: I have a dress. One. No! I have two.
Riese: Aw you should give it to Eli!
Laneia: Do you guys want me to talk about them?
Riese: Um, maybe later.
Jill: For my Mom, it was her moment of “wow, this is real, my daughter’s getting married.”
Watch Out for the Chandelier
Doing Her Best “I Don’t Have Dental Insurance ‘Cause I’m Gay, But Still Hot” Face
Stamie & Tracy are going to Dinah Shore JK they’re um, doing a PSA for California One Health Care, which is this radical socialist marxist communist gestapo idea from the left-wing liberal homosexual nutbag fannypackers who think people shouldn’t die or have anxiety just because Trader Joes won’t hire their homosexy asses.
Riese: MODEL TIME!
Laneia: God they are really fucking cute together.
Carly: They really are! Good for them! You go glen coco!
Riese: God I love Juicy Juice.
Tracy did go to Dinah Shore, but whatever happens in Dinah Shore stays there, so we’re gonna watch this instead. Or maybe they just saved it for the Natisode so nobody had to see Nat’s Autostraddle Tank Top on the TV. And to that we say:
Wheeee! Back to Health Care, everybody, stay on topic:
Stamie: California One Care even covers lezzies like us — and then we make out.
Soooooo, Mom’s coming to the set to see if Tracy learned how to read in school or if she just went there for the shower-sharing.
Stamie: I thought it would be great to bring Dautry with Tracy and I to the PSA ’cause I knew Tracy’s Mom was coming, I was hoping that my daughter’s irresistibility and adorableness would win over her Mom.
At first, Mom’s upset ’cause she’s not wearing hiking boots/prepared for grown-up steps like meeting the children.
Obviously Papi has advice on this:
This is a battle between the Power of Babies and the Power of Baby Steps. In the end, high-fructose corn syrup wins, like always:
Laneia: I feel like her mom’s doing that thing when you watch the kids because you feel like no one else is.
Riese: And ask them what they have in their hand.
Laneia: I want to go on a picnic with that Dautry, I think she would bring excellent lollipops.
Dautry is a Natural, Someone Get That Girl a Grape Juice Commercial
Tracy: I think that their first meeting was really sweet and I think that it was respectful and I’m really glad that it happened.
AGAIN WITH THE REAL FEELINGS. #MINDFUCK.
Last One In’s a Rotten Ovulation Cycle
OH MY GOD IT’S HERE DINAH SHORE THE LAND OF 25,000 LESBIANS. Whitney’s so excited about this because there are so many parties. “Pool parties, pool parties, pool parties, night parties and after-parties.” Wait, that sounds confusing, can someone write that down?
Carly: I hate pool parties
Carly: I do enjoy pools. And parties. But not together.
Sara & Whitney are all up on each other like two kittens on a kitten tumblr and so they take the party in their pants into the pool.
Riese: Omg they went in the pool!
Jess: I feel dirty.
Riese: DO NOT GO IN THE POOL
Sara and Whitney like each other. I dunno why, all this show has wanted us to know about either of them is that they like sex, dancing, and alcohol. Probs also Camus.
Whitney says the thing about the attraction between her and Sara is that “it’s inevitable, really.”
Laneia: You know what’s also inevitable at Dinah?
Carly: Self-fulfilling prophecy.
Laneia: Lots of walking. You have to walk around a lot, like to get to the other door and stuff. Or to get a cheeseburger. Walking. It’s a thing that you can’t escape at the Dinah.
Whitney: I had like a realization that Sara and I have the Great Wall of fucking China in front of ourselves. We don’t like being vulnerable. We like being in control of our emotions and otherwise and it’s basically like, always this battle of like, who’s going to break first?
Shit. The Great Wall of China? That is some serious Sweet and Sour Craziness:
Whitney says that the thing is that it’s not just about sex anymore, you know? They had like three conversations, including the ENTIRE car ride when everyone talked about their first time with a girl and if they cried afterwards.
So bedow bowww, Sara & Whitney head to the room for some private sexytime.
Riese: I am thinking about how nice hotel sheets feel on your tired skin.
Laneia: You guys my foot was broken.
Basically all this place needs is a Putt-Putt course and it’ll be HEAVEN
Is Mom gonna like the gabillion dollar mansion Jillnikki have selected, or would she have preferred something more Art Deco? Yeah this’ll do, says Mom. Let’s go walk on the beach and talk about feelings!
You’ll be Just Like Malibu Barbie!
Mom says this has been one of the best days ever. Jill’s Mom is her best friend, which must be sad for the dogs, who I believe are commonly referred to as “Man’s best friend.”
Jill’s emo/happy that Mom’s made it out there because having to wedding shop without Mom is sad. I can totally relate because I haven’t seen my Mom in 1.5 years and I haven’t seen my Dad in 15 years (he died) AND I haven’t gone shopping in 2 years (no money) AND OKAY I promise, I’m done, the recap is gonna be SUPER FUN FROM HERE ON OUT. But I almost teared up here, mostly out of self-pity. I bet Jill’s hair is really soft. I’m glad Mom likes Nikki and everyone is bunnies.
Jill: It didn’t have to go this well. And the fact that you embrace her like family means everything to me.
Mom: She’s our family, you’re family, and everything you’re doing is beautiful. I’m very very very glad you’re happy. Really, that’s all we ever wanted is for you to be happy.
When Jill came out, her parents said this wasn’t the life they always wanted her to live. But now that they’ve seen the Malibu house/met Nikki, I mean, NO CONTEST. What else could a nice pretty smart Jewish girl from New Jersey want out of life? Besides a Tiffanys bracelet, obviously.
Carly: Do we know why her Mom wasn’t there before? Just distance? Or estrangement?
Riese: East Coast. It’s like Tupac/Biggie.
Carly: Ah yes, the Jewish rap battle.
I Don’t Wanna Wait for the Season to be Over Oh WAIT I JUST DID
Mikey & Raquel are hitting up Dinah for a day, probs to see Salt-n-Pepa, or maybe Ke$ha. They’re “not those type of lesbians.” The type that stay for a few days.
Guess what Raquel has secretly been all this time? Um, on a scale of “Major” to “The Gathering,” I’m gonna go with “Magical ElfQueen.”
It turns out that Mikey attends Dinah Shore Weekend for the same reason we watch this show.
Mikey: Basically an opportunity for us to kick back, make fun of a lot of bad haircuts, a lot of bad clothes, and a lot of mismatched relationships.
Oh my god have you ever seen that Jennifer Lopez movie about the hotel maid you remind me of that girl
Raquel: My tranny friend says that there’s like lots of hot ones.‘
Mikey: Let me ask you again, how the fuck would your tranny friend know anything about Dinah Shore weekend?
Raquel: What do you mean? Like, “GIRL, they’ve got lots of hot ones there,” and I was like, “Really?” He’s like, “Girl, they’re like Giselle, walking around.”
Riese: I like that she drinks regular Coke.
Laneia: Let’s get some more vodka you guys. I FEEL LIKE I NEED IT.
Carly: I also drink regular Coke, when I drink soda. Because artificial sweetener is the devil.
Riese: Yes I do too, I think it will kill people.
Like White on Arroz
Rose says the White Party’s the start of their weekend, and conveniently, is also the start of THE weekend. That’s when they “get going” for a non-stop pleasuredome of sexy sexytime sexyfaces, sexytalk and offthehookedness reckless nekkytime sunshine bikinibox pussyslutfacetime.
Rose explains there’s a “funkiness” at Dinah when people leave their inhibitions in LA or Arkansas or “wherever the fuck they’re from.” Uhhh, maybe they’re from Funkytown and they’re actually bringing you the funk ?
Whatevs, let’s whore lap it!
Riese: ‘Whore lap’? Whores don’t do laps. #ignorance
Laneia: Yeah, really. Jesus.
Carly: Maybe Rose just has a bad memory? It seems to me like she just keeps forgetting about Natalie.
Riese: She’s like “Who is that person I’M A PLAYA!”
Tracy & Stamie and her friends & family have all come together at The Olive Garden’s Culinary Institute in Tuscany for a special, intimate 30th birthday dinner for Tracy, who’s birthday is on April 13th (Dinah Shore was May 31-April 5th). When you’re here, you’re family. WINK WINK.
It’s like a Prego commercial, except with extra emotional growth:
Zory: I guess I’m the one that had to change. I know that she needed my support. And it’s hard. It’s not easy. But I wanna be strong.
Tracy has a moment:
Everyone takes a Pepcid and heads over to the nook for a live acoustic performance from Duncan Sheik.
Laneia: No please don’t sing.
Carly: Oh no.
Riese: Maroon 5 is here! yay!
Jess: This is gay.
Carly: I HATE LIVE MUSIC WHEN I’M TRYING TO EAT
Everyone is happy/full of love & joy, the palms are waving in the wind, the guitar echoes into the deep breezes. This sorta looks like the set of Tila Tequila.
Nat is wearing my shirt as a dress
Rose & Nat, back at the Haunted Dinah Shore house, nosh on microwave quesadillas as famous golfers did in the ’50s and prepare for paranormal activity. Nat’s dress is a great moment in fashion: Merry-Go-Round and Contempo Casuals had a kid before they went under, and now it’s alive again, just like Dinah Shore!
Nat wants to sit on a couch occupied by Rose’s bro, which requires Rose’s bro to look at Nat with her eyeballs, which inspires Rose to mention, “Don’t you dare look at my girl like that, I’ll fucking stab your leg.” Then Rose stabs her bro’s leg, and everyone dies and Keyser Söze uses Nat’s ‘dress’ to soak up the spilled beer & tears.
Nat says the night ended up being good night because Rose eventually “remembered she had a girlfriend.”
Carly: Nat just confirmed the memory issues.
Jess: Rose, you’re 36.
Carly: Is she really?
Anyhow they’re gonna go to the bedroom to “read stories to each other,” just like Shane and Paige did. It’s the Circle of Real/Fake Lesbian Life.
Baby Koala – It’s a Thing
This is where Dinah Shore lost her virginity to Tiger Woods/Happy Gilmore. Only two golfers I’ve heard of. Was Putt-Putt a person.
Carly: Wow, she can lift her! That’s sorta… impressive? right? I can barely lift heavy books.
WOWSER IS RIGHT
Mikey & Raquel didn’t come all the way to the Palm Springs Butterfly Exhibit just to drink Coke and talk about Giselle – Raquel’s gotta go see the lesbians in their natural habitat.
Remain perfectly still – their vision is based on movement
Raquel: Who knew that the desert would be the natural habitat for lesbians? It’s kinda cool, they migrate once a year to feed, to mate, to congregate… I saw these like two 40 year old chicks all mauling each other and that’s good, good for them fucking celebrating their lives man, I think it’s awesome.
Raquel: It’s just not for me.
Riese: I love Raquel this episode, is that weird?
Carly: Raquel said “Wowser.” I love her. Raquel is sort of a secret genius.
Laneia: No yeah, Raquel gets it.
Riese: I just loled for the first time yet on this show.
Carly: Me too. “It’s just not for me”? LOVE.
My Favorite Part of Dinah Shore is the Pool Parties, Natalie said, surveying the landscape. Rose wasn’t listening, she’d just spotted her friend “Irene” and couldn’t wait to holler at her
Natalie’s favorite part of Dinah Shore is the pool parties. It’s hard to pick between the pool parties and the white diamonds party and the princess sparklepony party and the white wedding party and the true love 4ever party, but I have been to all the parties and for sure, most def, the absolute BEST PARTIES were the POOL PARTIES.
Omg KE$HA last night was so boss
Rose: I’ve never seen a Saturday pool party like on full throttle that day.
The ghost of Dinah Shore has followed the ladies to the pool party. Rose is gonna holler at Dinah Shore.
Basically, Nat wants to go to the restroom ’cause they found one, and Rose wants to yell in Nat’s face. Full throttle. Nothing about this is complicated/interesting.
HEY IS THAT YOUR FACE? I SAID HEY TALK TO ME DRAMA! HEY STEP UP I GOT A BUD LIGHT I GOT ONE LEG WHAT’S UP
Whit & Sara are getting closer & closer the further they go, which means disaster must lurk around the corner, like in Scream and Scream 2 or also maybe Jumanji, judging by the music.
Suddenly, just as Sara and Whitney have fallen in love, Sara leaps away from Whitney and bounds into the sea of ladies. Well, really one lady. With one RULLL serious earring.
Guess who’s best friends not just forever, but FOREVER EVER?
It’s Romi & Sara of Romi, Sara & Alyssa Tell All: The Autostraddle Interview!
While Whitney was innocently organizing canned food drives & topping at paintball, Romi & Sara were on the internet playing OurChart.
Sara always knew that her and Romi would get along, because in all honesty, falling for the same lady can be a pretty good indicator of how well you’d get along.
Laneia: HOLLER FEATHER / NATIVE EAR PIECES.
Carly: “We would be good friends because we love large earrings!”
Laneia: DID THEY ROB AN INDIAN RESERVATION ON THEIR WAY TO PALM SPRINGS
You weren’t a fan of beer on facebook!
Whitney: Gotta love the fucking internet. Apparently Sara and Romi know each other. So the irony is just pouring over.
Papi thinks about this kind of stuff all the time:
DO YOU WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH THESE BREASTS OR NOT, LEVEL WITH ME
Rose points out that the bathroom isn’t just going to get up and remove itself. Nat points out that she’d already apologized and her boobs are really big.
Jess: Who do I have to fuck for Nat and Rose to fight in front of our banner???
Riese: I remember whenever I saw them I felt like they were filming a scripted show, I think that might actually be how I got the idea this show was scripted before seeing it.
Carly: These two give me so much anxiety.
Rose You wanna bounce?
Nat: You’re already bouncing.
Rose: What do you wanna do then?
Nat: Drop it.
Rose: Then step up, don’t talk to me like that.
Rose: Don’t talk to me like that.
Laneia: UGH GOD SHUT UP ROSE!
Carly: Step up? What? Who Does this?
Nat [in interview]: I think Rose kinda wants to fight, kind of wants to go off her own way. So she will take anything and run with it.
Nat and her friends proceed to locate their other friends and Rose, in a very “Michael Scott Wants to Hang Out with Ryan in the city” way, says she’ll just go chill with Whitney. Later, there’s some more high-volume nonsense.
“How can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, boys on the side. But I disagree. I say, let’s hear it for the boys.”
Rose wants to leave the feud and leave the drama by leaving Nat at the party. She hails a cab by yelling DINAH into the air, it’s like her mouth is its own Shofar.
Riese: Great way to stop a fight! Just walk away! AGAINST THE RULES ROSE.
Jess: Rose. Honey. You’re 36.
Carly: My God.
Jess: Look at yourself.
Laneia: Stunted growth. It’s a thing.
Carly: YOU’RE ALMOST 40.
Laneia: God I hate people.
Riese: I wish the vagina lady was in this.
Carly: DJ Saratonin is taking the place of the dogs in this episode.
Riese: Yes she is. Sending us secret signals.
So this is the part where Romi & Whitney break Papi’s Rule #2.
Jess: Why is the pool empty?
Riese: You may note the pool that nobody else is in.
Jess: Except for them.
Riese: The pool
Laneia: Did they clear the pool.
Riese: Nobody was ever in the pool
Carly: “Unless you wanna be on Showtime, get out of the goddamn pool”
My lawd, I should’ve done a crying count this episode. I could take a shower in the interview room at this rate. Whitney has feelings! #sadadultkoala.
Meets, Shoots, and Leaves
Riese: I want to be in those sheets. I have #sensememory.
Jess: Whitney’s heart and soul just cameoed.
Riese: Jess just made a joke.
Laneia: I read that ‘cameltoed’ and lol’d.
When Whitney realized that she needed people, she felt vulnerable and sad and had to lay down
God that hat is so cute I just can’t stop laughing
Hi, Cute Machine, party of my heart(y)! Tracy & Stamie have moved to an undisclosed location where they can receive correspondences from Tracy’s Mom. ON SPEAKERPHONE OBVI.
Tracy’s Mom: I came back here thinking about you, you know that I wish I could be there. I like all your friends. That was very very cool. Very good good people.
Tracy’s Mom has decided to move on and accept Tracy as she is. I wish she could’ve done it on camera for more crying.
Riese: ILENE IS MANIPULATING US! She’s making us really like all the people just at the last minute to ensure another year of employment for Ilene and whomever she’s fucking. She’s just like the rest of us, just wanting job security.
Laneia: God these Mad Men tweets are KILLING ME
Carly: I know, I’m like HURRY UP ILENE I NEED TO WATCH MAD MEN
Laneia: But with Tracy in that hat? It’s like mini Mad Men.
Laneia: I LOVE Tracy’s bottom teeth. Is that weird? Am i weird? FUCK IT
Riese: FUCK IT LOVE THOSE TEETH
Laneia: OH NOT THE DRINK TICKETS! BITCH I WILL CUT YOU FOR DRINK TIX!
Riese: Rose kept her shades on the whole time. Stoned.
Carly: I am reminded of Party Monster now: “Drink tickets? You couldn’t organize a glass of water!”
Rose self-identifies as a “fucking ATM disposal,” which is like when a garbage disposal eats money little-shop-of-horrors-style. Nat’s there, packing her things into bags, as one does at the end of a vaycay. They yell words loudly at each other’s faces.
Rose wants Nat to apologize for “starting all this.” You know, “this.” What’s “this”? It’s “drama.” Also, Nat’s been “slamming shit.” Why? ‘Cause of “drama.” Also, oil spill? UM YUP DRAMA.
Also, maybe Nat DID take the drink tickets, but only ’cause her boss hasn’t paid her and WHO’S THE BOSS it’s Rose, but Rose spends so much money on Nat’s clothes AND OH HAY WHATEVER BECAUSE she wasn’t wearing any last night and besides this is about LOVE, Rose, a Rose by any other name would be Papi LA LA LA GIRLS ARE PRETTY
The costume of the day is Old English Schoolboy Gets a Prostitute. I say that with complete respect for prostitutes and moderate respect for old english schoolboys.
I picked the one with boobs up to HERE
Two forces currently paralyze my writing abilities w/r/t this scene: 1) must make joke about Raquel dressing up like a prostitute/slut ’cause of the slutsmut party and Dinah Shore being like that, 2) must not be judgey or perpetuate stereotypes about sex workers or do slut-shaming.
Meanwhile, Nat and Rose are having a super-productive breakup convo behind closed doors, which means it could be dialogue from anywhere. Also, meanwhile, Mikey and Raquel are doing it.
Riese: IT’S A SEXBREAKUPMONTAGE
Laneia: Fuck! Yes! Damn it. FUCK! IF THEY SAY DRAMA AGAIN I WILL DIE
Jess: I’m ready for Nat to pull a gun on Rose
Carly: Hooo boy
Laneia: lol why did you just pull my hair
Riese: They still can’t come up with anything besides “bitch”
Laneia: Carly i will juxtapose your face
Carly: Fucking fighting… other things from that song…
Riese: Loving laughing?
Riese: I have been patient with this bitchass too.
Laneia: WE ARE SO DRAMZ U GYYYZ.
Carly: I’ve been patient with so much bitchassedness. On this show.
It’s a nice day for a same-color-as-our-wedding walk down the street
Nikki & Jill awaken early to take Mom back to the airport. It was amazing to have her Mom here. A woodpecker pecks. A real one. Nikki says they did so much she can’t even remember what they did. I bet they did fun things, like Disneyland or Sea World.
ALSO FYI — Nikki & Jill are still in love and Jill looks cute in her hat. HER MICHIGAN HAT!! (Me & Jill both went to U of M, we have a lot in common clearly)
Raquel: The lesbians are leaving. They’re migrating back to where they’ve come from. It’s really interesting. Some of them don’t make it. I don’t know.
Carly: TWO MEN ENTER, ONLY ONE WILL LEAVE
Riese: I LOVE RAQUEL RIGHT NOW
Carly: We didn’t know she was amazing this whole time because she was always so late for everything.
Riese: Yeah she was late for her interviews probs too.
Papi knows what Rose should have been thinking about Nat:
Natalie and Rose’s relationship is over. Rose says she wasn’t the best girlfriend ever, but she “was the best girlfriend she’s ever been in 35 years to Nat.” Look, I don’t care if this is the best car you’ve made in 35 years — if the car don’t run, the car don’t fucking run!
Carly: BUT YOU GUYS I saw them together at The Abbey in July!
Riese: CARLY FOURTH WALL
Rose loved Nat, but Nat loved sea mammals more
Nat says Rose is mean and speaks down to her and driving away was the best feeling she’s had all weekend. Nat’s sure that Rose’ll be fine, because as Rose told us in the Season Premiere and Nat repeats here:
God you look so ETHEREAL in the sunlight, cut it outtttt
Whitney and the girls drive home in silent, weheartitish twilight.
Whitney & Sara came for the spirit journey. They got more than they’d bargained for.
Dinah solidified Whitney and Sara’s unreadiness for a relationship, says Whitney. It’s a big decision, becoming a vampire.
This later proved false, as I believe Whitney currently has a girlfriend.
Whitney: Fuck it. I am single as hell. So ladies. Watch out.
IT’S TIME FOR THE ENDING MONTAGE of the future! Imagine lesbian acoustic music playing as we dance on into the time.
Riese: Oh, emo lesbo music. Dogs.
Laneia: YES SONNNNG DOGS
Riese: Big guns
Riese: Lonely lonely that is me
Laneia: BLACKLIGHTS! DRANKS!
Riese: And so it is, just like you said it would be
Carly: That doorman is a vampire
Carly: Rose is going to a vampire club. Rose is at fangtasia.
Riese: Who’s your daddy?
Carly: WATCH OUT PAM!
Jess: MIRANDA THE TRAINER
Riese: Mind control
Jess: I’ve missed you miranda
Riese: I JUST WANT YOU TO STAY
Carly: Friends forever
Laneia: I want to jump ahead 4 yrs
Carly: This is that Vitamin C song!
Laneia: Oh fuck you Carly, that was perfect. Perfect analogy
Carly: So that’s it? It’s all over now?
Riese: The endso.
Laneia: IT’S OVARRRRRRRRRRRRR! CELEBRATION SHOT!
Riese: Who killed Jenny? I thought we were gonna find out.
Laneia: Obvs Rose’s ego killed Jenny.
Riese: I think she just fell.
Carly: … and in the end, Bette and Tina moved to New York and Alice started a band.
Riese: …and Max had a baby.
Carly: Fuck this shit.
Laneia: Love you guys.
Carly: I’m gonna go watch mad men now. MADMENNNN!
Riese: I want to go to Dinah, it was fun. I like it whenever we can all be together.
Laneia: Next time, I promise to look where I’m going and not break my foot.
Carly: Ok ladies. It’s been real REAL L. Get it?
Dinah Shore Episodes Make Autostraddle Tired
Check back for my final rant on the topic of The Real L Word! Also if you’ve been coming just for the recaps, you should take a look around, we talk about other things too, like Prop 8 and DADT and geekology and books and Rachel Maddow & our feelings!
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