One of these days these wedding dresses are gonna come to life and walk all over you

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FINALLY we answer our Number One Question: what dress is Jill gonna wear to her wedding? We had like TEN KABILLION ideas, all of which leave money left over to give to Autostraddle.

1. Birds make dress from leaves and foresty things = free

2. Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” wedding dress, which Lilo is wearing here. Probs has it at home, but she’s in rehab, so you just need to go get it = free if you don’t get caught

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3. Track jacket + t-shirt + mini skirt + tights = under $100

4. Mormon Wedding Dress to pay homage to the people who made it impossible for you to get legally married = probs tax-deductable

But uhhh… also. This one? This one looks good too.

Say Yes to the Dress

On a scale of one to ten, with 1 being Fashion Week, 8 being Pretty Pretty Princess and 10 being Portia DeRossiDeGeneres, Jill looks RAD. Everyone gets teary.

Laneia: I wonder if they ever get really exhausted talking about dresses.
Riese: That dress looks good.
Laneia: I have a dress. One. No! I have two.
Riese: Aw you should give it to Eli!
Laneia: Do you guys want me to talk about them?
Riese: Um, maybe later.

Jill: For my Mom, it was her moment of “wow, this is real, my daughter’s getting married.”

Watch Out for the Chandelier

Doing Her Best “I Don’t Have Dental Insurance ‘Cause I’m Gay, But Still Hot” Face

Stamie & Tracy are going to Dinah Shore JK they’re um, doing a PSA for California One Health Care, which is this radical socialist marxist communist gestapo idea from the left-wing liberal homosexual nutbag fannypackers who think people shouldn’t die or have anxiety just because Trader Joes won’t hire their homosexy asses.

Riese: MODEL TIME!
Laneia: God they are really fucking cute together.
Carly: They really are! Good for them! You go glen coco!
Riese: God I love Juicy Juice.

Tracy did go to Dinah Shore, but whatever happens in Dinah Shore stays there, so we’re gonna watch this instead. Or maybe they just saved it for the Natisode so nobody had to see Nat’s Autostraddle Tank Top on the TV. And to that we say:

Wheeee! Back to Health Care, everybody, stay on topic:

Smizes

Stamie: California One Care even covers lezzies like us — and then we make out.

Soooooo, Mom’s coming to the set to see if Tracy learned how to read in school or if she just went there for the shower-sharing.

Stamie: I thought it would be great to bring Dautry with Tracy and I to the PSA ’cause I knew Tracy’s Mom was coming, I was hoping that my daughter’s irresistibility and adorableness would win over her Mom.

At first, Mom’s upset ’cause she’s not wearing hiking boots/prepared for grown-up steps like meeting the children.

Obviously Papi has advice on this:

This is a battle between the Power of Babies and the Power of Baby Steps. In the end, high-fructose corn syrup wins, like always:

Laneia: I feel like her mom’s doing that thing when you watch the kids because you feel like no one else is.
Riese: And ask them what they have in their hand.
Laneia: I want to go on a picnic with that Dautry, I think she would bring excellent lollipops.

Dautry is a Natural, Someone Get That Girl a Grape Juice Commercial

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Tracy: I think that their first meeting was really sweet and I think that it was respectful and I’m really glad that it happened.

AGAIN WITH THE REAL FEELINGS. #MINDFUCK.

Last One In’s a Rotten Ovulation Cycle

OH MY GOD IT’S HERE DINAH SHORE THE LAND OF 25,000 LESBIANS. Whitney’s so excited about this because there are so many parties. “Pool parties, pool parties, pool parties, night parties and after-parties.” Wait, that sounds confusing, can someone write that down?

Carly: I hate pool parties
Riese: #fearfrommyawkwardchildhood
Carly: I do enjoy pools. And parties. But not together.

Sara & Whitney are all up on each other like two kittens on a kitten tumblr and so they take the party in their pants into the pool.

Riese: Omg they went in the pool!
Jess: I feel dirty.
Riese: DO NOT GO IN THE POOL

Sara and Whitney like each other. I dunno why, all this show has wanted us to know about either of them is that they like sex, dancing, and alcohol. Probs also Camus.

Whitney says the thing about the attraction between her and Sara is that “it’s inevitable, really.”

Laneia: You know what’s also inevitable at Dinah?
Carly: Self-fulfilling prophecy.
Laneia: Lots of walking. You have to walk around a lot, like to get to the other door and stuff. Or to get a cheeseburger. Walking. It’s a thing that you can’t escape at the Dinah.

Whitney: I had like a realization that Sara and I have the Great Wall of fucking China in front of ourselves. We don’t like being vulnerable. We like being in control of our emotions and otherwise and it’s basically like, always this battle of like, who’s going to break first?

Shit. The Great Wall of China? That is some serious Sweet and Sour Craziness:

Whitney says that the thing is that it’s not just about sex anymore, you know? They had like three conversations, including the ENTIRE car ride when everyone talked about their first time with a girl and if they cried afterwards.

So bedow bowww, Sara & Whitney head to the room for some private sexytime.

Riese: I am thinking about how nice hotel sheets feel on your tired skin.
Laneia: You guys my foot was broken.

Basically all this place needs is a Putt-Putt course and it’ll be HEAVEN

Is Mom gonna like the gabillion dollar mansion Jillnikki have selected, or would she have preferred something more Art Deco? Yeah this’ll do, says Mom. Let’s go walk on the beach and talk about feelings!

You’ll be Just Like Malibu Barbie!

Mom says this has been one of the best days ever. Jill’s Mom is her best friend, which must be sad for the dogs, who I believe are commonly referred to as “Man’s best friend.”

Jill’s emo/happy that Mom’s made it out there because having to wedding shop without Mom is sad. I can totally relate because I haven’t seen my Mom in 1.5 years and I haven’t seen my Dad in 15 years (he died) AND I haven’t gone shopping in 2 years (no money) AND OKAY I promise, I’m done, the recap is gonna be SUPER FUN FROM HERE ON OUT. But I almost teared up here, mostly out of self-pity. I bet Jill’s hair is really soft. I’m glad Mom likes Nikki and everyone is bunnies.

Jill: It didn’t have to go this well. And the fact that you embrace her like family means everything to me.
Mom: She’s our family, you’re family, and everything you’re doing is beautiful. I’m very very very glad you’re happy. Really, that’s all we ever wanted is for you to be happy.

When Jill came out, her parents said this wasn’t the life they always wanted her to live. But now that they’ve seen the Malibu house/met Nikki, I mean, NO CONTEST. What else could a nice pretty smart Jewish girl from New Jersey want out of life? Besides a Tiffanys bracelet, obviously.

Carly: Do we know why her Mom wasn’t there before? Just distance? Or estrangement?
Riese: East Coast. It’s like Tupac/Biggie.
Carly: Ah yes, the Jewish rap battle.
Riese: Weiss/Goldstein.

I Don’t Wanna Wait for the Season to be Over Oh WAIT I JUST DID

Mikey & Raquel are hitting up Dinah for a day, probs to see Salt-n-Pepa, or maybe Ke$ha. They’re “not those type of lesbians.” The type that stay for a few days.

Guess what Raquel has secretly been all this time? Um, on a scale of “Major” to “The Gathering,” I’m gonna go with “Magical ElfQueen.”

It turns out that Mikey attends Dinah Shore Weekend for the same reason we watch this show.

Mikey: Basically an opportunity for us to kick back, make fun of a lot of bad haircuts, a lot of bad clothes, and a lot of mismatched relationships.

Oh my god have you ever seen that Jennifer Lopez movie about the hotel maid you remind me of that girl

Raquel: My tranny friend says that there’s like lots of hot ones.‘
Mikey: Let me ask you again, how the fuck would your tranny friend know anything about Dinah Shore weekend?
Raquel: What do you mean? Like, “GIRL, they’ve got lots of hot ones there,” and I was like, “Really?” He’s like, “Girl, they’re like Giselle, walking around.”

Riese: I like that she drinks regular Coke.
Laneia: Let’s get some more vodka you guys. I FEEL LIKE I NEED IT.
Carly: I also drink regular Coke, when I drink soda. Because artificial sweetener is the devil.
Riese: Yes I do too, I think it will kill people.

Like White on Arroz

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Rose says the White Party’s the start of their weekend, and conveniently, is also the start of THE weekend. That’s when they “get going” for a non-stop pleasuredome of sexy sexytime sexyfaces, sexytalk and offthehookedness reckless nekkytime sunshine bikinibox pussyslutfacetime.

Rose explains there’s a “funkiness” at Dinah when people leave their inhibitions in LA or Arkansas or “wherever the fuck they’re from.” Uhhh, maybe they’re from Funkytown and they’re actually bringing you the funk ?

Whatevs, let’s whore lap it!

Riese: ‘Whore lap’? Whores don’t do laps. #ignorance
Laneia: Yeah, really. Jesus.
Carly: Maybe Rose just has a bad memory? It seems to me like she just keeps forgetting about Natalie.
Riese: She’s like “Who is that person I’M A PLAYA!”

Spaghetti Night

Tracy & Stamie and her friends & family have all come together at The Olive Garden’s Culinary Institute in Tuscany for a special, intimate 30th birthday dinner for Tracy, who’s birthday is on April 13th (Dinah Shore was May 31-April 5th). When you’re here, you’re family. WINK WINK.

HOSPITALIANO

It’s like a Prego commercial, except with extra emotional growth:

Zory: I guess I’m the one that had to change. I know that she needed my support. And it’s hard. It’s not easy. But I wanna be strong.

Tracy has a moment:

Everyone takes a Pepcid and heads over to the nook for a live acoustic performance from Duncan Sheik.

Laneia: No please don’t sing.
Carly: Oh no.
Riese: Maroon 5 is here! yay!
Jess: This is gay.
Carly: I HATE LIVE MUSIC WHEN I’M TRYING TO EAT

JK, it’s Misty Odell, she’s super good if you like that kind of thing (AND I DO), friend her on facebook, it’s like being friends IRL, just ask Sara & Romi. Or buy her album.

Everyone is happy/full of love & joy, the palms are waving in the wind, the guitar echoes into the deep breezes. This sorta looks like the set of Tila Tequila.

Nat is wearing my shirt as a dress

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Rose & Nat, back at the Haunted Dinah Shore house, nosh on microwave quesadillas as famous golfers did in the ’50s and prepare for paranormal activity. Nat’s dress is a great moment in fashion: Merry-Go-Round and Contempo Casuals had a kid before they went under, and now it’s alive again, just like Dinah Shore!

Nat wants to sit on a couch occupied by Rose’s bro, which requires Rose’s bro to look at Nat with her eyeballs, which inspires Rose to mention, “Don’t you dare look at my girl like that, I’ll fucking stab your leg.” Then Rose stabs her bro’s leg, and everyone dies and Keyser Söze uses Nat’s ‘dress’ to soak up the spilled beer & tears.

Nat says the night ended up being good night because Rose eventually “remembered she had a girlfriend.”

Carly: Nat just confirmed the memory issues.
Jess: Rose, you’re 36.
Laneia: JESS.
Carly: Is she really?

Anyhow they’re gonna go to the bedroom to “read stories to each other,” just like Shane and Paige did. It’s the Circle of Real/Fake Lesbian Life.

Baby Koala – It’s a Thing

This is where Dinah Shore lost her virginity to Tiger Woods/Happy Gilmore. Only two golfers I’ve heard of. Was Putt-Putt a person.

Carly: Wow, she can lift her! That’s sorta… impressive? right? I can barely lift heavy books.

WOWSER IS RIGHT

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Mikey & Raquel didn’t come all the way to the Palm Springs Butterfly Exhibit just to drink Coke and talk about Giselle – Raquel’s gotta go see the lesbians in their natural habitat.

Remain perfectly still – their vision is based on movement

Raquel: Who knew that the desert would be the natural habitat for lesbians? It’s kinda cool, they migrate once a year to feed, to mate, to congregate… I saw these like two 40 year old chicks all mauling each other and that’s good, good for them fucking celebrating their lives man, I think it’s awesome.

Raquel: It’s just not for me.

Riese: I love Raquel this episode, is that weird?
Carly: Raquel said “Wowser.” I love her. Raquel is sort of a secret genius.
Laneia: No yeah, Raquel gets it.
Riese: I just loled for the first time yet on this show.
Carly: Me too. “It’s just not for me”? LOVE.

My Favorite Part of Dinah Shore is the Pool Parties, Natalie said, surveying the landscape. Rose wasn’t listening, she’d just spotted her friend “Irene” and couldn’t wait to holler at her

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Natalie’s favorite part of Dinah Shore is the pool parties. It’s hard to pick between the pool parties and the white diamonds party and the princess sparklepony party and the white wedding party and the true love 4ever party, but I have been to all the parties and for sure, most def, the absolute BEST PARTIES were the POOL PARTIES.

Omg KE$HA last night was so boss

Rose: I’ve never seen a Saturday pool party like on full throttle that day.

The ghost of Dinah Shore has followed the ladies to the pool party. Rose is gonna holler at Dinah Shore.

Basically, Nat wants to go to the restroom ’cause they found one, and Rose wants to yell in Nat’s face. Full throttle. Nothing about this is complicated/interesting.

HEY IS THAT YOUR FACE? I SAID HEY TALK TO ME DRAMA! HEY STEP UP I GOT A BUD LIGHT I GOT ONE LEG WHAT’S UP

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