How to Make Gay Friends and Meet Girls: The Ultimate Guide to Effective Queer Socializing

Y’all have some problems meeting gay people. We know this because for as long as we’ve had homogay ‘internet presences’ you’ve been asking us how to make queer friends/meet girls. We’ve answered you, periodically.

But apparently not periodically enough:

Although Laneia is convinced she’s the only lesbian in Phoenix (I’m positive this is not so, someone please back me up in the comments), most of us here on Team Autostraddle possess a relatively healthy posse of queer friends. Or at least it seems that way when we assemble for homogay events/marches/parties/prides tri-annually.

We feel very lucky for this and so we’ve decided to enlist the troops and answer the question “how do I meet other queers?” once and for all.

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Firstly:

+ If you are looking for an answer to the question “How do I hit on chicks?”, we have an article for that: How to Pick Up Chicks.

+ Asking yourself “How do I date a chick?” We have an article for that: 10 Simple Rules For Properly Courting a Lesbian.

+ Curious about how to get a girl to sleep over? Coincidentally, we have an article for that, too: 8 Steps Every Girl Can Take to Get a Girl to Sleep Over.

+ Interested in sharing a special snack with your special new friend/’special’ friend? Top Ten Cookies.

Are you ready? Let’s begin.

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On the Job:

Kelsey: GET A JOB! No really. Go get a job. It doesn’t even have to be a gay job. Though I’ve had those. Jobs in the Straight World tend to be teeming with undercover gays. If you see a printer jam, wait approx 2 minutes and most likely a gay lady will arrive to fix. In my opinion, regular ol’ jobs tend to be the best places to meet other gay ladies, whether for friendsies, FWB, or future partner material. If there are slimmer pickins’ at Your Job, all the better for you.

Fit for a Femme: Hang out where your friends work, if applicable. Someone I know just met a pretty thing to nibble on that way recently.

Riese: If your co-workers know that you’re a homogay, they will almost definitely attempt to introduce you to or set you up with their gay cousin/sister/bff/roommate/etc.
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Concerts for Queer Musicians

lilith fair lesbians

Crystal: I’ve met the majority of my queer friends at concerts. Gay girls are fairly serious about supporting their local gay musicians, and so go check out a few shows. If your town has an all-female band then that’s a good place to start, their concerts will probably be filled with potential queer friends. I always find it easiest to make friends with the musicians themselves because you already have a reason to strike up a conversation with them: to tell them that you enjoyed their show. Ask them when they’re playing next, and go to that one too. Just keep showing up.
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Join any Club/Team That Will
Have You as a Member

Intern Hot Laura: Do you have a bike co-op in your city? I bet you do, and I bet there are a bunch of cute girls running around with bike grease on their noses. Even if you don’t meet anybody, you get to learn how to build a bike which is kind of like carrying around a lighter just in case a cute girl asks for a light only better because you get to come their their rescue and fix their broken tire.

FFAF: Join a book club or writing group or DIY photography workshop – in fact, DIY anything would work.

Crystal: Go to the roller derby. 
All of the queer girls are at the roller derby. All of them. Roller derby is wall-to-wall lesbians and I’ve witnessed countless girls strike up new friendships while watching a game. It’s quite easy to do because if there’s one thing that roller derby fans love, it’s sharing their knowledge of the game with newbies. So if there’s a team in your city, go see them play. Saddle up beside a group of cute girls in the suicide seats (where all the serious fans sit) and ask them to explain the rules to you. I think you’ll make some new friends in no time.
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On the Internet

We have cited the internet multiple times as the best way to meet other gays. Clearly this IS the internet, so we’re biased, but we’ve found most of our friends right here, or via Riese’s prior blogs (that’s where most of the team comes from — readers of her blog and the friends she met through those people, etc). We hear OKCupid is a thing, also.

Intern Emily: Find someone on autostraddle who lives near you. Give them your email. Go for a walk. Walks are free.

Riese: It could be different now, but back when I was a baby (23) I responded to an ad on craigslist w4w by a girl who said she was bi, went to Columbia, played soccer, liked ‘420’ and was looking for other bi girls to go out with and be friends and brave the scary queer world together. The first time we met it was absurdly awkward but it got progressively better all the way to “more comfortable than I am with anyone, really.” We’ve been through a ton together — so many life phases! — and we’re still friends now, and it’s through her intrepid online friend-gathering that I met Lainy, who met my now-best-friend Haviland on friendster and then invited her to a thing that I was also at, which is how I met Haviland. So! The point of this is: craigslist could be a thing? The key to it being non-intimidating was that we both earnestly wanted new friends, yannow?

Laneia: Find a queer girl who writes a blog with a lot of feelings and send her emails about your feelings. Read books. When the queer girl with a blog starts an online magazine, help her. Accost people on gchat. When the queer girl with a blog has parties and introduces you to her friends, be really nice to them and say things with your mouth and eyes. If one of them is especially neat, write them an email and be their friend. Be really honest and take a lot of anti-anxiety medication. Don’t get an alternative lifestyle haircut unless you really want to. Buy at least one v-neck. Smile.

Intern Emily: Start a blog. Write in it for 2 years. Take a 3-day hiatus and then ask for people in your city to email you.

Riese: Start a blog and then make a website and then hire people to be your friends for free.
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Roommates

Stick “queer-friendly” or “LGBT friendly” in your craigslist post and the girls will come a-runnin’, with plenty of gay friends of their own in tow. You kill like 40 birds with one stone and can listen to Tegan & Sara all the time.
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In a Women’s Studies/Gender Studies Class

You can check out this directory of LGBT/Queer Studies programs at universities all around the country! Also you should participate in class. The girls who participate are the hottest.

bcw: Women’s Studies classes are a great place to meet women: everybody’s pretty much a feminist already so you can have brainsexy conversations, which are great for continuing in bars after class. Watch yourself with those hot profs, though.
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At your LGBT Campus Group in College or High School

This is Taylor’s NYU LGBT Group

Taylor: In college, before I was very out or strongly identified, I started nervously attending a few events held by our school’s LGBT office. Fast forward a year and I was running on-campus queer workshops every week, and I’d scored a vast posse of passionate forward-thinking activist gays, just like that! Before I worked for our LGBT office I felt super shy at queer events, so if your school has an active LGBT organization, considering signing up or applying and dive right in. The LGBT office became a second home, which was great for between-class naps and meeting hotties, of course.

Intern Emily: Go to your school’s queer club. It’ll be awkward. You might go on a lunch date with a cute girl who brings her girlfriend. You might make some friends though.
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Gay Bars and Gay Events!

PYT-black-and-goldman-collage

Obviously this can be an intimidating situation, but a lot of getting-to-know-other-girls at these bars won’t happen with one initial awkward visit. You have to go back. And go back. And go back. And eventually you will have no choice but to feel comfortable there, because it’s a place you go a lot. Then maybe you will talk to strangers or get 25 people to kiss you for your 25th birthday. It’s a thing, you can keep score on your arm with a pen. If you live in New York City, GO Magazine has the most thorough, up-to-date bar/event listings.

Intern Emily: Go to a gay bar. Get really drunk and talk to everyone.

Riese: When you’re at the gay bar or lesbian night, you will think thoughts like ‘nobody here wants to talk to me’ or ‘everyone here has a girlfriend’ or ‘why are lesbians so intimidating’ and you need to suppress all of those feelings and cover them with a new feeling and that new feeling is ‘what’s the worst thing that can happen, I’ll get rejected?’ and I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW that seems petrifying, as though being rejected is the worst thing that could ever happen to you as a human being. But it’s actually not — your confidence is sexier than your outfit will ever be, and girls are so weird and have so many issues/reasons to potentially reject you that you can’t take any one rejection personally. Just make eye contact. Say hi. It doesn’t have to be sexual. Imagine yourself in her shoes and think about how you’d want her to approach you.

FFAF: Don’t be a scaredy cat! Go to a bar/club/show alone. In fact, this is how I met my wife 5.68 years ago.
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Some General Tips

GROW A PAIR:

Sarah Croce: I used to be shy. My answer? Grow a pair. Figure out what is awesome about you and confidently strike up conversations with random people. They don’t have to be gay. Oftentimes you’ll find most girls are bi, or curious, or have gay friends. Straight people love to tell you they have gay friends and they always think you should hook up with them like there’s some kind of gay drought and in order to prosper and save the lesbian race we all need to mate feverishly. It’s like they don’t know we can’t procreate. And they always ask how lesbians have sex.
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Start Small, Build a Lesbian Posse:

Jess R : Create your own Lesbian Posse. You only need 1 or 2 other gay friends to start – tell them to invite a few other queers they know (if you don’t have any other gay friends – they do!) and plan little events for yourselves like dinner at an apartment, movie night, bowling night, ski/hiking day trip, etc. Make it a weekly thing so you always have something to look forward to and as the weeks go by the lesbian phone tree will grow longer and longer and after a few months you’ll have your very own Lesbian Posse.
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Be Brave:


Intern Emily: Unfortunately, meeting new people means you have to be brave and approach them and talk to them and find things to talk about and spend a lot of time obsessing about what to wear, etc. It’s a lot of social anxiety and you might want to take some pills for that, but also, you feel really good after.
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Be Old-Fashioned and Venture Outside of Your Comfort Zone:

FFAF: Get outside of your comfort zone. I hear lots of girls complaining about how it’s all the same people, the same girls, wah-wah-wah. Drive to a nearby city, take that train underwater, bike it, bus it, but don’t expect to meet new, exciting girls by doing the same shit that hasn’t worked for so far.

Also, be old-fashioned. Pretend there’s no internet and remember what it’s like to be polite and gracious and genuine IRL, and extend real invitations and cultivate real lasting friendships. It’s easy for things to fall through the cracks with internet-based connections; they need to be nurtured for reals. Being old-fashioned reminds us all a little of what it takes to maintain the kinds of relationships that we want!
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Gays are Everywhere:


Rachel: Remember in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy realizes that what she was looking for was in her backyard/home/heart the whole time? You are a gay person, and you like to do things/go places. Chances are other gay people also enjoy these things/places and are probably already there! Look around your job/library/capoeira class/favorite coffeeshop/yarn store/whatever and probably there are queer people there. Like really, if there are more than 10 people in the building it’s statistically very likely that you will find someone else there who is also a huge gaymo. You just have to be brave and talk to people and not be shy about being gay yourself; they will probably be very relieved and respond in kind.

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OKAY SO THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU ALL MEET EACH OTHER. Become friends!! TALK IN THE COMMENTS!

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1,207 Comments

  1. Sooo…what do you do if you’re still a teen with strict parents? I tried to go to my lgbt group at school but it was shut down for the year for the safety of the members (violence issues with immature homophobics). I want to meet another girl or at least make some friends who are like me.

  2. I know this post is a few years old, but thought I’d send out a bat signal for anyone in the Dallas/ft worth area. I’m newly out and have about zero gay friends so I’d love to meet others! Email is Amanda Kathryn 01@gmail.com (without the spaces)

  3. Hi everyone. So i finally decided to make lesbian friends other than the ones I share with my girlfriend. And thats kinda hard for me since Im 18 and living in Turkey. I really like science and talking about social issues around the world since I face so many in my country being a half kurdish homosexual woman that doesnt care about religion. I’d be truly happy if any of you cool people would want to talk to me. I’m just gonna put some things for that and shut up now.

    diclecelik97@gmail.com

    Twitter – @dicle6277

    Snapchat – diiijle

    • Hi there! Those all sound like good things to start a conversation! I live in very sunny Southern California, close to the border. I’m interested in gender politics, intersectional feminism, literature, all music (uh except for country) and a bunch of other things. Message me if you’re interested, I’ll give my email then! (Same goes to anyone who reads this comment)

  4. Kran HDS przydaje się rzadziej przy oporządzaniu po remontach.

    Jeśli na rynku koncepcje poznają się
    metaliczne zbiorniki z gruzem, niniejsze wyciągając naruszane rozgałęzienie HDS, umiemy wsuwa energicznie
    rozmieścić
    na motorowerze dodatkowo wywieść do siedliska odkładania.

    W upadku HDS Jednostkę stanowi wart ongiś, gdy korzystamy konspekt odbyć
    kratery gruntowe o
    dosyć naiwnym tułowiu. Więc HDS musi dotrwać dopasażony w metalową chochlę tudzież
    sprawnego telefonistę, jaki będzie podołał taki dołek skonstruować

  5. I’m a socially awkward LA to Iowa transplant going to grad school. One year into this journey and I still have not made any queer friends. I’m an introvert, I like other introverts. Apparently Introverts are very bad at asking each other to hang out. So that’s where I am. I know there must be other queer women in this state, if you live at all near Iowa city, let’s be friends. Help me.

    • Hey – you said Iowa city, so I assume you’re going to the University of Iowa? I’m also about a year into a grad program, live in ia city, am super introverted, and don’t really have any queer friends locally. Maybe we should talk?

      grace.redwing at gmail

  6. Thanks for this article! I just moved to Madrid after a horrifying break-up with my serious gf (well now ex) and I’m alone and in desperate need of lezzie friends! This will def help me out haha

    • yep! Me! Used to live in the city and I actually do hair in Richmond Heights but live in Alton with my gf. There are so so many lesbians in STL. too bad our lesbian bar closed a couple years ago bc that is where I met SO many people.

      • Me and my girlfriend live in Maplewood. We just moved back to Missouri (from Springfield originally) from Washington state a couple of months ago. Yes, I know where Richmond Heights is because my neighborhood pretty much turns into it. I have to idea where Alton is though. I’m still learning where everything is. What’s the deal with all of these municipalities? It’s a little crazy.

  7. Thank you, universe/autostraddle! I just need to grow a pair!!

    Very awesome post. I am not an ‘outed’ anything, more cruising thru the observatory portion of this life, but need a kick in the balls on occasion to remember to live, too. I’m brand new to south side PdX, which I’m sure is brimming with lovely ladies that I just don’t know yet. I will definitely be bringing myself to the roller derby soon!

  8. I feel like this post was written for me as all my friends are straight, and a lot of them live in different states. I’d love to have some gay lady friends here in Portland, Maine.

    Like a lot of you, I am pretty awkward. I am not brave, and I’m naturally introverted. I am a fun and funny girl once you get to know me, though. I just turned 35 (yikes!), but my taste in music is older than I am. I love animals, ice cream and laughing at bathroom humor.

  9. I have a leabian posse that took years to build. Mostly thought I met gay friends through other gay friends.

    Also gay bars. Hate to say it but many of the gay girls I know is through always seeing them out at the local lesbian bar (when we still hd one). Also I work at Starbucks, so there’s that. Always had plenty of gay friends around though. May have made out with a handful of them but we all still remain friends!

  10. Can’t see anyone from Russia here, but I’ll still drop a line. I’m Victoria from Moscow, working for Oxfam, travelling the world with my girlfriend. We are a pretty chilled couple, with unreleased ambitions of lesbian socialites. I used to live in Bangkok, and I know how much more connected lesbian community is there. Although ideally I’d like to meet new friends who also live in Russia here, I’d be happy to get to meet queer diversity goddesses from anywhere around the world, really. So drop me a line at victoria (dottie) stetsko (at) gmail (dotty-dot) com shall you fancy some international queer friendship

  11. Toronto folks?

    Let’s friendship!

    I’m a non-binary, queer, fourth year gender studies student, writer/poet, singer/narrator, and mix-media artist. I love discussing feminism, politics, and art. I’m a vegetarian considering going vegan. I love doing art collabs with other creative folks. I’m also really interested in Wicca, Paganism, and Buddhism and like to talk, practice, and learn more about these things. If you think we have anything in common or you just wanna start up a conversation, please do!

    Also, I live with a few other queer folks in an artist’s co-op right now and it’s made my life feel so meaningful and great. :)

  12. I’ve been reading this site for a few years now but never had the gall to comment and I feel like now is good a time as any!

    I’m Stacey, I live in Western Mass, women’s college graduate. Gender studies major, so you’d think my life would be teeming with queers…but alas, social anxiety is a jerk which prevents me from going up to people and saying hi. My skill of going somewhere alone and standing around awkwardly not talking to anyone is quite developed, however.

    I do have a few good queer friends, but our friendship web doesn’t extend out so far. Plus, they’re all coupled and though I love them, it can get kind of lonely being the only single one. I’d love some single queer friends even if we don’t “spark”, it’s nice to have others sharing the struggle!

    I just turned 30, I have a newfound obsession with Sleater-Kinney, I love to talk intensely about things people love, academia is my heart and soul, nature is necessary, and this is a run on sentence which doesn’t entirely bother me.
    Hi!

    • Hi! My partner and I are about to move to central Mass this February and we are looking for friends in the area. We are farmers and we like to cook and read out loud. Unfortunately we are a couple…but we’re very nice! Anyway, my email is lkalan89 at gmail dot com, if you ever want to hang out with some cows and goats and vegetables.

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  14. I’m very late to responding to this, but I feel like this post was written for me! I just recently broke up with my ex boyfriend, and have always knew I was bi. All of my friends are straight, and I want to make friends with more people like me, but alas I’m shy. Anyone in CT or MA? :)

  15. I’m super late to respond to this post but this is unequivocally me. I’m awfully shy so even looking my way gets me seriously blushing (yes I know, there’s no hope for me :'()and the friends that I do have are straight. With husbands. And babies.
    Tried the internet thing too but it seems I never find the ones that want to be friends…just the ones that are still living with their ex-girlfriends and want “ahem” =S

    I’m in South Africa but I’m not averse to long-distance meaningful/silly/weird convos =) #JustSaying

  16. “If you see a printer jam, wait approx 2 minutes and most likely a gay lady will arrive to fix”.

    For the 15 years I have been at work I have always been the one to fix printer jams. How have I only realised in the last 3 months that I’m gay? Ha!

  17. This is so me. I’m 22 and over the past few years have come to terms with the fact that I’m a lesbian or at least strongly woman-learning. Problem is, I’m not out to my parents and have no queer friends, leaving me very isolated and at times sad. :/ Anyone in Michigan?

  18. Here’s MY dilemma, other gay girls terrify me! I’m torn between wanting gay friends and being terrified in situations where I’m meant to interact with other girls who like girls? It doesn’t help that I’m perceived as the “straightest lesbian” all my significant others have ever met ? send help pls

  19. Finding this article is just too real to life atm! My fiancée and I are having a hard time in lil ol’ Las Vegas establishing our queer footprints so to speak, these are some bangin’ tips though. If any one in the area is also feeling the same struggle, you’re not alone buddy. We’re here, we’re queer and we just wish we could find others like us to be friends with ngl…..

  20. Dang. I guess I really needed this article, lol.
    I’m from a super small town and my school is a small, christian private school, so finding queer friends is… rough, to say the least. I think the hardest part is that I can’t be out yet? So it’s like trying to feel your way through a dark room while blind-folded and with your hands tied behind your back.
    Anyway, if anybody is from Kerrville, Texas (or the San Antonio area, really), hit me up! You can reach me at kate dot r dot mcmorris @ gmail dot com
    ;)

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