Top Ten Most Gayest Jobs: A Labor Day Special!

It’s Labor Day! We never take days off at Autostraddle, because maintaining a state of insanity is key to our continued disillusioned perseverance, but we thought we’d take this opportunity to gaze upon our gainfully employed queer bretheren. If you’re looking for actual information about good employment for homos, check out the HRC’s Best Places to Work 2010. If you’re looking for lazy half-baked humor, however, WELCOME HOME!

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Top Ten Most Lesbionic Jobs in the World

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10. Bike Messenger/Bike Mechanic

photo of bike messenger heather loop by josh diaz

Lesbians love bicycles. Not only does cycling break your hymen therefore rendering men unnecessary, but lesbian bike messengers carry messenger bags and find alternative lifestyle haircuts are extremely functional under helmets and in the wind.

Weaving effortlessly through downtown traffic at rush hour on a fixie without dying is the kind of agility and prowess best evidenced by girls who are used to getting in and out of tight spaces. Furthermore, it’s job that you can do while covered in tattoos of pinup girls, stars and Sun Tzu philosophies.

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9. Personal Trainer


See: Jillian Michaels, Jackie Warner, Queen Latifah’s Not-Gay Not-Girlfriend

Lesbians get into personal training because it’s a good way to meet hot chicks and make them really co-dependent on you for their overall self-worth from the get-go.

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8. Carpenter or Construction Worker

Lesbians are good with their hands, and carpenter work enables them to build their actual lovenests in the woods of Oregon. They develop nice arms, get sweaty, sport tool belts and can woo their prospective loves by building them storage solutions. Though the construction industry is a tough place for women b/c of the patriarchy, lesbians have thicker skin and bigger toolbelts. Obviously.

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7. Comedian

See: Ellen DeGeneres, Julie Goldman, Erin Foley, Kate McKinnon, Gloria Bigelow, Sandra Valls, Kate Clinton, Sandra Bernhard, Judy Gold, Nicol Paone, Rosie O’Donnell, Elvira Kurt, Deanne Smith, Margaret Cho, Marga Gomez, Suzanne Westenhoefer, Lily Tomlin & many many more.

Much like Jews and black people, lesbians are very good at finding something to laugh at while being chased by flocks of white men with flamethrowers.

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6. Athlete or Gym Teacher or Track Coach

This could be: a) a stereotype, b) true.

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5. Nun

Because lesbians love G-d obviously.

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4. Folk-Rock Musician

See: Indigo Girls, Chris Pureka, Melissa Etheridge, Melissa Ferrick, Ani DiFranco (bi), Catie Curtis, Indigo Etheridge, and so many more!

Folk-rock music is basically the only industry besides hemp-rope production in which queer ladies dominate. This is because we have more feelings and like to commune with our sisters.

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3. Social Worker

Social workers spend most of their time talking about feelings, dealing with relapsed drug addicts, negotiating the care and long-term health of foster children and fighting government bureaucracies which attempt to undermine necessary social services in favor of illogical spending on war and bailing out large banks. It’s more or less a microcosm of lesbian life in general, but for about $25K a year.

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2. Doctor

See: Callie Torres (Grey’s Anatomy), Dr. Weaver (ER), Thirteen (House), Riese’s Mom’s ex-girlfriend

Unless you manage to marry Ilene Chaiken or a successful Bette Porterish Entrepreneur or CEO, shacking up with a doctor is probs your best bet for financial security within the lesbiverse. Also, they’re never home and always tired, which means a lot of meaningless-fight potential, which lesbians really enjoy.

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1. Hairstylist/Makeup Artist

See: Tabatha Coffey, The Real L Word’s Romi & Sara & Raquel & Whitney & Alyssa, Shane for Wax

Why: Every ‘character’ on The Real L Word is a hairstylist or makeup artist, and The Real L Word is about real life. Also alternative lifestyle haircuts don’t style themselves. Also remember when Shane did hair for that wedding and boinked like three bridesmaids? That was wacky.
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Do you feel deep, pervasive moral or emotional outrage over our exclusion of a crucial lesbian career path? Do you feel that this exclusion is representative of Autostraddle’s complete failure to read your mind and that this random list, due to its pertinence and international importance, has let you down in some way, perhaps brought back weird memories from childhood? PLEASE TELL US SO IN THE COMMENTS.

Also if you have today off, I’d recommend reading Autostraddle. You can just brush up on the archives or whatever.


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Profile gravatar of Riese

Riese is the 35-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City and mellowed out in California before returning to Michigan for reasons that are unclear to her now — she is currently plotting her return to the West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2400 articles for us.

175 Comments

  1. Babysitting is also a great job. I get way overpaid for a job that essentially comprises of me doing calc homework and/or reading nostalgic books about the 90s riot grrrl scene on a boring sunday night. Oh yeah and there are kids playing around or sleeping in the background. Sometimes I read Autostraddle, too (which is, coincidentally, what I’m doing right now while spectating a game of connect four).

    I’M VERY INSULTED THAT YOU LEFT THIS JOB OUT OF YOUR LIST STOP OPPRESSING ME.

  2. OMG I laughed really hard at this. Who knew we were so cool. Team Autostraddle in great shape. But you forgot:

    1) geeks! I mean IT experts: web developers, programmers, etc.
    2) engineers. I know 3 lesbian engineers.
    3) tennis players. Though so many are still in the closet because the tennis world is culturally conservative.

  3. Haha, are there still carpenters working in the U.S.? I had no clue – guess it’s because we’re good with our hands. I must out of touch with that part of the crafting world! Carpenter/Construction Worker = gayest job ever.

  4. Our department of scandinavian studies should be renamed The Magnet for the Queers, however that happened. on the other and it’s also The Magnet for Girls who like Ikea and Cute Moose plus The Magnet for Archeology Students with Long Beards who want to become Vikings.

    so…on a note more related to this article rather than pointing out the queerness of my current profession; as a child I was religious, like in wanting to be a nun religious, and I have always fought against people making jokes about hot nuns with suspenders. but to be honest, deep down inside I too believe that it was an early sign of me being one big homo.

  5. I’m working as a carpenter/construction worker. I’m super bad ass. I’ve only been doing it for like 2 1/2 months, but it has made me feel super, super butch. Like today, I cut the sleeves off of my t-shirt and demolished a carport/roof with my sledge hammer.

  6. WHY DIDN’T YOU INCLUDE MY JOB I HATE YOU. Autostraddle totally excludes park rangers 100% of the time. Ranger photo gallery or bust.

    Jay kay.

    We are hella gay, though, for reals.

    I can rub sticks together and make fire. That’s hot. Literally. Fires are hot.

  7. Little known fact: lots and lots of hookers are queer. My girlfriend and I both are sex workers and for what ever reason most strippers, escorts, dommes, and sensual massage providers we know are gay.

      • ha, i actually had sex worker on the list but ultimately removed it because i didn’t want to make fun of sex workers like i made fun of everyone else, and therefore did “nun” instead.

        barbara — actually most sex workers will see male or female clients, alone or as a couple, but there tends to be little demand from females. men are socialized into the sex industry early on — familiar with who to call, how to find a hooker, happy ending or stripper. for many men it’s something they openly discuss with other men. also, getting men off is easier and therefore most men can bank on a guaranteed orgasm, if that’s what they’re going for (among other things that sex workers provide). a lot of men seek out sex workers because they want companionship or someone to talk to about their feelings or play out fantasies or just not have to be the wall street guy for an hour. also, it has a lot to do with economics — men, historically, have had more money and more disposable income (furthermore, said income is usually unsupervised by a partner or family member) and feel more comfortable with that kind of exchange.

        women have tried in the past to create lesbian-targeted brothels or massage parlors but as far as i know, to minimal success. in the meantime, howevs, most ladies will take ladies as clients. i think that this will change — by that i mean, over time, women will start to patronize sex workers as we gain more economic autonomy and the sense of entitlement & comfort with sex that most men are socialized to feel from an early age. women aren’t socialized to feel they deserve pleasure or can be driven by desire to quite the same degree that men are.

        • Thanks for all these explanations, it’s really a lot of food for thought. I agree a lot with the cultural difference explanation (men are socialized into the sex industry, open discussion with friends, etc). Also, now that I think about it, if I were a sex worker I’d probably prefer working with men because it’s probably easier – you know what to expect, while women are more diverse.

          But I have more doubts about the influence of economic differences. I mean the F/M pay gap is not that huge; not near as huge as the difference between sex work demand from males and demand from females. If women wanted to pay for sex I don’t think they wouldn’t afford it. So I think – as you say – a lot of it has to do with women thinking they don’t deserve pleasure and / or not being raised to seek pleasure.

          I wonder if Autostraddle will sell any sex when the online store is opened. With all the infographics and stuff on the definition of lesbian sex you’d certainly have a market advantage. Maybe you should copyright them so that when other sex selling websites use your charts you make money on the patent LOL you should hire me as your business advisor

  8. I really wanted to be a mechanic, then I looked around the garage by my house, the only girl was allowed to wear tube tops and answer phones at the front desk. SEXISM BLOWS!!

  9. Theater is gay. Seriously. It’s not just musicals and it’s not just for gay boys. There are many of us backstage people, particularly of the carpentry and lighting/sound persuasion who are gay.

    • EXACTLY.
      I am only starting as a geology undergrad this year (I’m 19, we finish school later than in USA here) and I totally agree. I have met ~90% of my group mates and so far they are all straight boys, me – an agender and 1 queer girl.

  10. what about corporate middle management? that’s gay right? jk. my job is lame and not gay at all.

    and if i give up my dream of marrying a massage therapist (for obvious reasons) i will most certainly want to marry a bike messenger. calves of steel, amongst other things i am sure.

  11. Working with animals – whether in animal shelter or welfare work, or as a groomer or trainer – is chock-full of the gays. Possibly one of the many reasons is because non-human animals don’t ask which one of us is the “man” and which is the “woman” in a relationship, and I don’t think they really care how lesbians have sex.

  12. Does delivery driver count as bike messenger? I work for a major package delivery company (1 of the 2 major ones) and up until about 6 months ago, there were 7 homos at my job, where about 50 people worked. At one time I heard someone say we were taking over. If I am not included in this I will take it as a personal slight and be outraged, OUTRAGED I TELL YOU.

    • I work with the military a lot and am constantly swooning at the ladies in uniform. Sigh. Too bad we can’t talk about it because I know a bunch of them have to be gay!

    • social work programs in the south are definitely not dating breeding grounds … not that i didn’t try.

      however, can you imagine dating another social worker? yuck.

      that said, it would have been nice to have had more strength in numbers when the seemingly confused should be pastorial counselors were gay bashing.

  13. I don’t think being a technical writer is particularly gay, but apparently it’s one of the only technical fields that’s dominated by women. So I can’t be the only one, right? 😉

  14. I met a gorgeous girl at a cosmetology school. She said the school was FULL of lesbians.
    She was totally my type.
    I kept going and tipping her like $20 a week.

    In any case…things obviously didn’t work out.
    I saw her downtown one day and almost wrecked my car checking out her hot @$$.

    It seems as if she is crushing on a less than hot classmate of mine. BOO!!!

  15. Aw, this is further proof that my job is so not gay. That makes me sad. But… it’s not like I didn’t already know that I work in the straightest industry ever. That’s even including the gaggles of gay boys. Sigh.

    On the other hand, this list is pretty much the greatest.

  16. This made my big gay job (social worker) easier today because I could laugh appropriately. Mostly, I laugh inappropriately at work – gallows humor, you know. Like last week when I said (out loud) that death is a really good outcome for a lot of my clients. The response of the other social workers made me feel like Herme the Dentist when the head elf freaks out on him about not liking to make toys. I need my own red-nosed reindeer and ice floe.

  17. Growing up, I used to think I wanted to be a gym teacher or a cop.

    then I grew up and realized, clearly I just wanted to be a lesbian.

    So I am one. And a graphic designer. And awesome.

  18. Ha.
    I too am a graphic designer, er, uh, “commercial artist.”
    Well, I do some very specific niche worth with photoshop (and funeral homes).

    I’m actually considering going after a career change in a few years, but have no fucking clue where to go from here.

    None.

    Is 30 years old too late to decide to be a scientist?

  19. Athlete/volleyball coach/in school to become a sociology/psychology/poli sci/economics/philosophy/humanities professor. Needing to know everything and be good at everything…GAY. If the academic thing doesn’t work out for whatever reason (although I’m a professional student at heart), my back up will be going into instructional athletics. Either way, I’m going to settle down in my little homo love nest.

  20. Art related anything is usually pretty homofull. Except at my college apparently, but that’s another story. (Seriously, how the fuck did I end up at the ONE women’s college in the US with like no lesbians/bisexuals/queer girls? WTF.)

    I recently decided that after I get my BFA I’m going to grad school to do medical illustration, which I think has the potential to be rather gay because it’s like the lovechild of art and medicine/science, both of which seem to attract lesbians, but since it’s a pretty tiny field (5 schools in North America, all of which admit around 15 or fewer students per year) it may not be.

  21. Oh that’s easy.

    ZOOKEEPERS.

    For reals. Its the profession I’m going into and I’ve grown up in and zoofolk are chock full of queers. We’re all oddballs and awkward kids.

  22. I know this is a very old post but I wanted to contribute!
    My girly and I are swimming instructors and I think that it might be a new stereotypic lesbian job! At every swimming school I have worked at there has been like 3 homo swimming instructors for every straighty (this may or may not be an exaggeration, there are alot anyway).

  23. <—- Lesbian hairstylist

    Also restaurants? Do I feel like lots of lesbians are line cooks/bussers/hot waitresses because I'm a wishful thinker or is that legitimate?

  24. so i would think that normally these predictions are 99.9% ACCURATE but unfortunately it turns out that my school softball coach / soccer coach / gym teacher / personal trainer / gym owner is 100% straight. D:

    but i get to play with her adorable kid during practice so it’s totally cool. 😀

  25. ahahah this reminds when I was 6 and they asked you “draw yourself when you’ll be an adult”. I pictured myself with a bottle of beer, a nose piercing and being an hairstylist. Actually I’ve taken the test to enter in med school. Still, second gayest thing ever I guess 😉

  26. hahaha! What about Factory workers? places like storerooms and warehouses? Where you get to wear boots and overalls. Use duct tape and forklifts!
    I’m a femme stock manager, my job is super gay XD

  27. INVESTMENT BANKING. Almost no women. I’m definitely one of the boys. Had to prove myself times ten, but look damn good in that suit and get to meet a hell of a lot of fine ladies out and about who think so too. Picked the career after too many men told me that I (given my female biology) could not be good with money. Now I help run a little thing commonly known as the economy.

  28. Ditto for Corporate Finance. But the women who somehow made it to exec positions tend to send me hella dykey vibes. It gives me hope.

    Also, what about all the queers doing non-profit/political work? And chefs. And basically any job where you’re expected to be one of the boys?

  29. -engineers (YUP.)
    -nurses (hella queers- cuz we love helping our broken people)
    -teachers (special need-focused seems to be a queer thing in particular)

    Why wasn’t Bette’s affair mentioned in the construction worker one? GOSH. I never thought you’d miss an opportunity in this article for more L Word references.

    Love it!

    And yes, us Jews need comedy to survive.

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