How do lesbians have sex? Do you know? Like what lesbian sex is? Anyone? Can lesbians even have sex? I’m so confused. I’m also wondering if they should really get married. What’s a legally binding contract matter when you’ve got the prospect of pimpy pool tables and fancy dresses? Lesbians. Such odd yet beautiful creatures!
Anyhow, recently, my frienemies told me about this RAD new show called The Real L Word. Although I was pretty sure I’d already seen it and hated it, I agreed to give it another shot. After all, I needed to answer the burning questions that keep me up all night — it’s like I have a mission, you know? Like a higher purpose? Like I’m guided by some lesbian superpower? I think this higher calling probably could possibly be THE POWER OF THE MOTHERFUCKING CLAM, as we demonstrate in this photograph from Pride:
Anyhow, in search of entertainment, lesbian action & something to get upset about; Laneia, Alex and I sat our asses down in front of the teevee for The Real L Word and what did we see? Mikey’s weirdo head staring back at me!
Mikey: “There’s a huge difference between having sex with a man and having sex with a woman. One kind I like, and one kind I don’t.”
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Yes, today’s hot topic was “What is Lebsian Sex?” This is a v.important issue, so let’s dig right in and get all those parts out of the way right now. Like foreplay!
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WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS LESBIAN SEX?
Nikki: We’re not one hit wonders. I mean we could go and go.*
*I have no idea what this means. Multiple orgasms? Multiple positions? Kama Sutra? More than one dance track exploding all over the Billboard charts? Is that what the descending fluorescent disco balls are there for?
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Tracy: “Lesbian sex is when two vaginas rub together and they don’t catch on fire.”
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Via Lesbian Sex Positions for Dummies:
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Whitney: “Lesbian sex is anything you want it to be, that’s why it’s so amazing.”
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Mikey: “When two chicks go down on each other, that’s not sex. Banging a girl with your foot/toe is also not sex.”
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Mikey’s Assistant Shanna: “If you had a strap-on and fucked a girl, that would be sex.”
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Mikey: “If you have an orgasm or if you’re being penetrated, that’s sex.”
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Raquel: “Fingerbanging does not count as sex, but other kinds of penetration are sex.”
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Whitney: “Oral sex exchange” is not “full sex.”
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Another delightful definition comes courtesy of Stamie’s business partner. It happens. One minute you’re talking about the arrangement of furniture in a potential sale property and the next minute you’re asking Stamie & Tracy for their definition of lesbian sex.
Josh: “In the straight world, ‘slept together’ means sexual intercourse. Penetration, is what I mean.”
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Stamie: “It’s just cuddling. Or sometimes I put her boobs in my face.”
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Jill’s getting handsy:
Jill: “There’s plenty of ways to do it. We have hands, we have mouths…”
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Shane: “Are you fucking kidding me, [lesbians fucking] is entirely possible! Where do you live, Mark? It’s entirely possible. Is this a joke?”
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Alex: Let’s just keep talking about how we’re SO DIFFERENT from everybody else.
Riese: Exciting, Alex, the word is “exciting.”
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Rose takes the question very seriously, explaining that “sensuality” is what connects women and makes lesbian sex so amazing. She elaborates: “It’s more than you just sticking your dick in her pussy.” And just like that, our collective “pussies” close up and die, never to be seen or entered by another hand, mouth, strap-on, or Mikey Lesbian again.
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Unfortunately, the “scenes from last week” bit was extra long this week. We had to live through it all over again…
Riese: OMG PTSD!
Laneia: DIE! DEATH! DIE!
Riese: <—-dead
Laneia: ^ this
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After the episode we asked you to tweet your feelings about the show to us, and we’ll post those responses throughout the recap. Let’s start here:
Oh Kstellar56. We can do much better than that. In fact, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to create a Lesbian Sex Flowchart which is so amazing, you’ll have to turn the page afterwards, because the rest of the recap is not worthy of this flowchart and cannot share its stage [thank you to my fine collaborators, Taylor and Alex Vega]:
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POWER OF THE CLAM. We’re so excited, this week there’s traveling, blue skies, and new B-Roll!
Mikey’s going to Las Vegas to become a stripper! JK, she’s going there for another one of the world’s BIGGEST EVENTS EVER, and it’s not LA Fashion Week, it’s the Super Soaker FanFic Buffy-Slash Convention Festival! Oh, no, it isn’t.
What Could it be? ComicCon? The L Word Convention? BizBash? The Republican National Convention? Earth Day? World of Concrete? Never mind, it’s time to say goodbye to Raquel-Works-Alot, Mikey’s estranged girlfriend.
Laneia: She’s wearing a TRACK SUIT. I’m just sayin’.
Riese: Like Sue Sylvester from that other show. The good one.
Which Star Trek character will Mikey dress up as? We’ll find out later. All we really need to know now is that she’s going to Las Vegas, home of the world-famous Luxor Hotel. She’ll be road trippin’ it with granola bars, a neatly packed cooler, Assistant Shanna and New Intern Cecie — which’s a great opportunity for girl talk! Cecie’s straight and has a boyf & big questions.
On the Road Again
Cecie: My five year anniversary is coming up…
Mikey: What are you gonna do for your five year anniversary?
Cecie: Well I was thinking–
Mikey: If you should let him come in your eye after five years?
Shanna: She does that on the first date.
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Riese: I hope they get lost, it’ll be like National Lampoon’s Real L Word.
Laneia: Yes, please make that happen.
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Nikki & Jill are doing more wedding planning, which is fascinating, it’s just like A Wedding Story on TLC or that one episode of True Life. There are two European women in charge of the wedding with confident fancy accents. Today Nikki & Jill will be talking about the dresses they’ll wear on the day of their Special Friends Forever Ceremony. This is important because post-ceremony they’ll remove their dresses and hug, naked, which is what lesbian sex is. Maybe.
Jill: I want my dress to be simple but beautiful, sexy, elegant.
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Laneia: I want my dress to be thesaurus.com. But only the good words.
Riese: I want my dress to be welovecolors.com.
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No but really, I want a dress that makes me feel like this:
But also like this:
Much like I imagine lesbian sex would be, if I could figure out how to do it. Like this, right?
Right?
Uh-huh.
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Hey So, About You Being a Total Douchebag…
Whitney is hungover and tired from One Night in Romi, and Alyssa is annoyed and tired from Living Every Day With Whitney while Whitney Makes My Cousin Sad.
Whitney says she didn’t have sex with Romi, so there really can’t be an issue. It’s not like she’s gonna get pregnant or anything, don’t worry.
Alyssa: Your definition of “full sex” is a little hairy.
Whitney: What is that?
Alyssa: I don’t know, you tell me, what is full sex?
Whitney: We didn’t have like oral sex exchange and stuff.
The oral sex exchange is like the stock exchange. Where everyone also gets fucked.
Let’s F*ck Everybody
Whitney tells Alyssa that she’s just not ready for a relationship now. She could say this directly to Tor, but that would be a wee bit proactive, and this show is not about Proactive Solutions, it’s about Problems.
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Laneia: “Not right now. Not while I’m a douche.”
Riese: “My douchefactor is on orange alert right now Alyssa, I have a lot going on with a lot of replicants.”
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Teddy Bear = Nanny Cam
Natalie needs to get a new job/revise her resumè and Rose is the only person in the world who knows how to use a computer so she’s lending a hand. Natalie’s been a hairstylist for five years and is ready to take the next step. You know, the next step. What’s the next step? Natalie for Wax? Who cares! SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT LESBIAN SEX IS RIGHTNOW. More importantly, this:
Riese: Rose looks cuter in glasses and sweatpants.
Laneia: Agreeeeeerereeeereeeee!
Riese: She’s so much cuter right now! I actually think I’d like Rose better if she was a butch.
Laneia: I think I’d like everyone better if they were butches.
Riese: Agreed.
Alex: No!
Riese: But I mean I’d like her personality better.
Alex: NO! Mikey is butch, and she’s annoying.
Riese: Mikey is not butch.
Alex: Whatever.
Riese: Mikey is just a “Mikey Lesbian.”
Alex: She’s masculine, OK?
Riese: She’s not butch at all, how she operates.
Alex: She errs on the side of masculine.
Riese: It’s more power-dyke than butch, despite her casual attire.
Alex: If 5 was an equal amount of feminine/masculine, mikey is a 7.
Laneia: 6.
Alex: 6.5.
Natalie: I spent seven months of my life as somebody’s bitch. As an assistant.
Rose: Exactly like us!
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Time Check
Tracy & Stamie are looking at apartments — FAKEOUT! It’s Take Your Girlfriend to Work Day. Stamie explains how she got into real estate via a ‘Come to Jesus Moment’ when she realized she’d rather make money than do stand-up in laundromats.
Tracy wants to do a ton of things with her life but she keeps running out of time, ’cause she’s forced to spend 60% of her waking hours repeating “it’s challenging to date a woman with kids,” to a camera, egged on by Ilene Chaiken’s Evil Elves.
Then comes the part where the producers rope Stamie’s real estate co-agent into the Topic of the Day and The Reason We Are All Here, to unlock the mysterious vadgehole of WHAT THE FUCK DO LESBIANS DO IN BED. Pretty much TRLW will interview anyone, whomever wants a Lower Third can get one. They’re probs chasing Abbey bartenders down the street every night, asking them if penetration is necessary for “full sex.” (is it?)
Also Thinking About Penetration
Josh is “hesitant” to use the word “penetration,” but then he just has to go ahead and slip it in. Just the tip, you know how men are. We found this conversation not incredibly informative:
Riese: Oh my G-d!
Laneia: OH MY GOD NO STOP!
Riese: PENETRATION!
Laneia: FUCKING STOP THIS OMFG!
Riese: THIS SHOW IS PENETRATING ME AND I SAID NO!
Alex: I feel like I’m in high school again.
Riese: I feel so weird & violated.
Laneia: This is like when your mom talks about your first period to your neighbors or something.
Alex: I love shows that make me feel like I’m back in high school.
Mhm.
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Mikey & her crew roll up to the Luxor at Las Vegas, where Mikey’s connection to/belief in “LA Fashion Week” has secured a giant suite with a POOL TABLE. I get really excitant about the potential for BODIES THE EXHIBIT, but Mikey is more sad about how she can’t share her beautiful bedroom or any of these wide-angle scenic views with RaquelWorksalot.
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Riese: Oh product placement! The Luxor! It’s a fabulous hotel in Las Vegas!
Laneia: “Thanks, Showtime!”
Riese: Wow, she is big pimping. Spending g’s.
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Mikey: I get up to my suite. I’m on the top floor which I love and I cannot believe what I see. Who has a pool table in their suite? I do! I completely feel like I am either Beyoncè or Jay-Z or P-Diddy…
This Suite’s Got Me Lookin’ So Crazy Right Now
Laneia: Right. Just like Beyonce. just like that.
Riese: I was thinking that before she even said it — “this reminds me of… Beyoncè”
Laneia: “Is this the bedroom where lesbians can have sex maybe if we could just figure out HOW THE FUCK TO DO IT.”
Riese: “I got 99 problems but this suite ain’t one.”
Yeah I Got One Leg. And A Suite.
Mikey is so inspired by the breathtaking views of sin and greed that she decides she’s gonna marry Raquel that very night, ’cause it turns out she can fly in after all.
Mikey wants the assistants to find a wedding chapel for the Big Event. Mikey’s gonna go “balls to the wall” and has jumped on “a crazy roller coaster ride” and she’s got “the girls” on the “roller coaster with her” and they are “freaking out.”
“God, I’m a Genius.”
Riese: Does she know it’s not legal?
Laneia: Oh this is a terrible terrible idea/moment.
Riese: Is this going to be about how gay marriage is not legal?
Laneia: “I have this suite. So I’d like to get married?”
Riese: Yes, suites will do that to you.
Laneia: One time, I had a car, and I decided I needed a milkshake —
Riese: She’s just gonna bind and waltz on in there and be like “I’m a Mikey Lesbian!”
Laneia: I think the idea here, is that lesbians don’t care about the law. That they are renegades.
Riese: We’re above it, so to speak. “On top of it.”
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Alexandra: I need another beer.
Riese: “When Raquel comes, what will we do? I just wanna spend time with each other, having our version of lesbian sex which is — :”
Laneia: “Slapping each other’s boobs.”
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Everyone gets excited while Mikey-the-Avatar fucks around in the corner and Mikey explains that she and Raquel have plans to make a family together so you know, Mikey is ready for that final piece of paper. Unfortunately she will not be receiving said paper in Las Vegas, because of homophobia and the conservative right wing Christian influence on both federal and local government.
Taylor has illustrated the after-party for you:
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“So Look We’re on This Show, And You’re Gonna See It in June, And You’re Gonna Have Some Questions For Me.”
Whitney has gotten herself into an “uncomfortable” “situation” and is “confused” and “curious” about what Tor’s feeling. Me too, ’cause Tor never talks.
Whitney: I want to make sure that everything is open. I just wanna know what position I’m supposed to take with you moving out here.
Tor: I was gonna come out here and see what happens. And I see what you’re doing — what are you doing?
Whitney: In terms of other people? Like I guess, you mean have I hooked up? Yeah, I’ve hooked up.
In Terms of This Look? Did I Steal This Look From Edward Cullen? Yeah, I Stole It
Laneia: “What are you doing” “in terms of other people?” FUCK YOU! Does she even know what exclusivity means?
Riese: No I don’t think she can read/write —
Laneia: Whitney’s completely lying to her!
Riese: She don’t know much, she just knows she doesn’t love her. And that may be all she needs to know.
And Her Heart Says Whatever
Tor says she knew none of this. Okay, that’s fine, but Whitney’s got a strong defense: “I brought up your name every time.” This is how we imagine that happening:
Like, “TOR I WANNA FUCK YOU SO HARD OH SORRY I MEAN ROMI I WANNA FUCK YOU SO HARD! I WANNA BITE YOUR FEATHER EARRING RIGHT OFF AND THEN FUCK YOU WITH IT IN YOUR EAR TOR I MEAN ROMI!” It happens.
Tor says that Whitney has douched her around and hasn’t even been a good friend: she’s correct on both counts and also just used “douche” as a verb in the most amazing way possible.
I wish I could pour some more drink into Tor’s glass to help ease her pain. The pain of knowing she cannot withstand The Power of the Clam. Now she’ll never find out what lesbian sex is. Consequently, neither will we.
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Laneia: “You haven’t even been a good friend”! YES YES YES!
Riese: These people need to read a book and have a book club or something.
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Alexandra: If I move to LA, I will ride my single-speed bike around town and egg people like this.
Riese: Alex when you talk about moving to LA while we’re watching this show, I get sad. That’s like saying you want to become a Nazi during Schindler’s List.
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Back in Las Vegas, the assistants can’t find a chapel willing to host Mikey’s Lesbian Wedding because its Mike’s Lesbian Wedding. Shanna’s shocked. Welcome to our world, baby, haven’t you always wondered how we got so bitter & grumpy. We weren’t born this way.
We were born this way:
And have become this way:
Mikey’s wandering around like a lezbro with a big dick, looking at her big pool table and big windows, etc.
Shanna: Why does nobody do civil commitment ceremonies?
Cecie: You would think in Vegas like of all places!
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Riese: Because there’s no such thing as a “civil commitment ceremony”? She’s getting her second-class citizen vocab mixed up.
Laneia: “You would think in Vegas, of all places, where NO ONE HAS ANY MORALS, that someone would be down, right??”
Riese: Honey. Nobody’s getting married. Ever. Not tonight.
Laneia: YOU’RE NOT GETTING MARRIED.
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On the upside, these are also real lesbians with nice posters:
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A call to the batphone…
The Joke’s On Who? Me?!
Hey-o! Raquel missed her flight for that night and will have to come in tomorrow morning. Mikey explains that because Mikey missed her flight on 9/11 from Pittsburgh to LAX, which got hijacked with all her bags inside (she lost her entire collection, it was devastating etc), she’s not upset at Raquel. She’s just 95% confident that her future wife just dodged a close encounter with Al Queda. Hey, whatever works.
Call, Call it Off, Break my Own Heart
Mikey breaks the news to her ladies: THE WEDDING IS OFF. The good news is nobody’s pants are going to explode mid-air. The bad news is; nobody’s pants are going to explode mid-air.
Laneia: I think Mikey was really just trying to make good teevee, you know? Like, she’s really just trying here.
Riese: Mikey is always making me so sad. I just feel sad, I want better things to happen to Mikey.
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No, Fuck YOU, Penguin.
Lest you feel there’s not enough wedding planning happening in this episode, we’re back! Nikki’s dress is gonna cost $6,175 dollars, which is about $6,135 dollars more than I’ve got in my checking account and $4,175 more than their initial estimate. Although Nikki’s ready to spend some g’s, this is way too many g’s.
At that price, I’d want something a little more like this:
Amirite? TWO WORDS: AMPLIFYING EXSOSKELETON.
Anyhow, Jill & Nikki email Camilla, because unless she’s exhuming JoAnn (as in the creator of JoAnne Fabrics, a famous fabric-person/store) to hand-stitch every detail from the skin of baby lambs, this is so not worth it. There’s a lot of cute dogs in this episode though:
Lady ISO Tramp
This is just like hanging out with your friends planning a wedding, an activity for which I’d come armed with a novel.
Riese: This is like listening in on a customer service phone call–
Laneia: –while sitting on your girlfriend’s lap.
Nikki & Jill are both Jewish and they are both lesbians, so the delegation & execution process for this particular action step is complicated/funny/cute/real/fine. Jill wants to spend less, Nikki thinks Jill should’ve been nicer to the wedding planner. They’re so good at mitigating conflict together, what if they never fight? That would be so sad.
With dresses so expensive, they’ll have nothing left to donate to No on 8/spend on the caterers and will inevitably end up wearing their Super Turbo Wedding Dress to an afterparty at Kentucky Fried Chicken! This must be stopped!
One of ’em calls the other a “tough cookie,” which is neat. Like a Fig Newton!
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TerminatorCon
Back in Las Vegas the next day, Mikey is soooooo ready to get her Brochure on and excited to see Raquel when she arrives later in the day. Mikey’s clients are looking for success, and that’s what she’s gonna give ’em! Go team! Ann Taylor is in the house, and she’s likely as interested in hearing about LA Fashion Week as we are!
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Riese: If Mikey wears her sunglasses to meet new clients, I am going to kill myself.
Laneia: I just want to cut her fucking hair!
Riese: Lucky thing she’s got Jesus on her motherfucking arm.
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The hair does not impede Mikey’s drive for success. She & her entourage are undaunted. So what if it’s actually just a convention for swimming pools? Hello swimsuits are gay and fashion and should be in the show!
Mikey is chatting up some of the most influential names in fashion. This woman, for example, is famous for transforming my baby blanket into an 80’s style leather bomber jacket:
You never know, sundresses could totally come back this year. They’re very comfy:
Mikey is a magnet for future lezbros in Fedoras with visible side-boob-bra:
Mikey eyes prospective runway talent, I hope these bitches have comp cards:
Here Mikey attempts to win the affections from the straightest straight girls ever, who seem to be selling posterboard or maybe pink t-shirts? SEE YOU AT FASHION WEEK BITCHES! BRING THAT LIPSTICK, GIRL.
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Alexandra: You guys are right, she’s a 6.
Riese: Sunglasses!!
Alexandra: It’s probs really bright in there.
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Raquel interrupts Mikey’s Trade Show Champion Flow by calling Mikey to say she’s not coming to Vegas after all, that she can’t make it. Mikey gets so upset she almost walks into the Utility Closet to kill herself:
Close Call
But omg here’s the thing you guys — RAQUEL IS ALREADY IN VEGAS! What a sneaky bitch/sneaky production team who plotted this shit. Luckily she’s hidden beneath her giant ring and Old MacDonald hat, so nobody will find her:
There’s an uncertain amount of time between Raquel’s cancellation call and Mikey spotting Raquel in the trade center, at which point Mikey is cool as a frozen Terminator cucumber, preparing for her Vulcan Salute:
It’s a fake-out but Raquel’s gonna give her the makeout! Notice that Shanna likes this situation about 100 times more than Mikey does:
Have You Been Drinking?
In my book, a good surprise would’ve involved Raquel removing her clothing while dancing to “Hey Big Spender,” with lots of fun leg moves and maybe some background dancers from the Juicy Couture booth. Mikey doesn’t like the surprise either, but for different reasons.
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Laneia: This surprise was stupid, Raquel should’ve just scratched the whole thing and hugged Mikey. People don’t cuddle enough.
Riese: This show should just be cuddling
Laneia: I’d watch that
Alexandra: MOAR CUDDLING
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Tea for Two
Tracy’s job’s gotten stressful, she’s over it & ready to join the Cullens in Vampire-dom forever. Or else be a real estate agent. Stamie doesn’t want to pull a Freaky Friday, butttt….
Tracy: I think I could sell a house.
Stamie: You could definitely sell a house.
Laneia: I think she could sell ice to eskimos etc
Riese: I’d buy what she’s selling.
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DUM. DUM DUM DUM
DUM DUM DUM
DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMM
DUM
DUM DUM DUM
DUM DUM DUM
DUM DUM DUMMMMMM
IT’S THE EYE OF THE TIGER
Whitney’s finally having her long-awaited “training session” with Miranda, the maybe-straight girl she wants to bang, not to be confused with the other girls Whitney wants to date, even though Miranda looks, predictably, just like the other three.
Whitney: I feel like hitting on her is basically masturbating at this point.
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Laneia: I want to barf on Whitney’s knees.
Riese: At least she’s admitting that everything she says/does is basically masturbating.
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This scene is better with the sound off. I’ve captioned it for you to prove my point, no noise necessary:
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Laneia: Good fucking jesus. She can’t even EXERCISE w/out hitting on someone.
Riese: I read in Cosmo in the 90’s that you shouldn’t flirt with your trainer.
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Whitney invites Miranda to come see her friend’s band play, withholding the “it’s a lezbo party” info. I’m sure Miranda will catch on right fast when three girls start sucking Whitney’s face off the moment they all arrive.
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Early Bird Special
Raquel gets into the MAGIC SUITE and creams all over herself and the Enchanted Pool Table, which inspires the couple to ignite a firey Egyptian game of Strip Pool. Luckily Raquel’s got a ton of accessories, so she won’t be getting naked any time soon:
I’m still upset that nobody has checked out Bodies: The Exhibition. You go all the way to The Luxor and don’t even go to the museum?!!
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Laneia: “And see, when I saw the pool table, I instantly knew that we should BE MARRIED!”
Riese: Can everyone just quit it with the bras?
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The Bras Are Off!
Papi’s Rules of Strip Poker include “don’t be the girl with the bra on your head.” MIKEYYYY!
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Riese: OH NO! Oh no!
Laneia: Well now I want to die. Right now.
Riese: WELLL HERE I AM SUICIDAL AND SHIT
Laneia: NOW
Riese: This show is like the reality tv show adapdation of The Well of Loneliness. Different plot, same ending.
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The point of this scene is that gay people don’t need marriage to be happy and take off their bras after all, just like William Tan said. Or else there is no point to this scene, which is impossible as Ilene Chaiken is basically our generation’s Picasso.
Raquel DOES NOT EVEN CARE WHO’S IN THE ROOM, that’s how Girls Gone Wild that pool table makes her feel! Shanna wanders in (the girl’s gotta plug in her Dell) and basically thinks Mikey is crazy but she’s mad to live, mad to love, etc:
This is Sooooo Much Better Than Working at the Banana Stand Again
In their interviews, Raquel and Mikey talk as if they’re narrating a children’s book in the middle of a crowded mall. They retire to a bubble bath, which has been prepared for them by Casper the Friendly Ghost and his Magical Elves:
Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, you crazy cats!
Alex: But I don’t get it… how do two girls have sex? I mean like… what do they DO?
Like this?
Or Like This?
We’ll NEVER EVER KNOW.
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Five Dollar Footlongs
Rose gets stressed out about work while Natalie drinks serenely from her Whip it! mug and ponders her future over a sandwich. Although Rose needs an assistant she doesn’t want Natalie to work for her. It’s a bad idea. But also, she’s desperate and Natalie is tired of hair. Aren’t we all.
Natalie Using Sign Language to Discuss Lesbian Sex
Natalie vetoes the “become Rose’s assistant” idea ultimately because Rose needs an assistant who sees her future making Rose’s photocopies, not somebody who sees their future making Rose’s babies. Plus, Rose already dominates just fine as is.
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Riese: Oh my Gawd, Rose is so AG this ep. I like her so much better!
Laneia: BITCH BRING ME TWO PLATES AND A CUP! I fucking love it.
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Like This Whole “Computer Being Serious” Thing? Not My Scene
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Laneia: I think I get Rose more. Like, I GET her.
Riese: Me too.
Laneia: She needs a sandwich. and help. MUCH LIKE US.
Riese: And when she drinks it’s because she’s stressed and just needs to vent, and when she yells it’s ’cause she needs to yell at something? Which isn’t “okay,” but still. i get it.
Laneia: I GET ROSE. I can’t believe this. Am I high?
Riese: I am high for real, that might be why I get Rose. Regardless, I’ll never watch this show sober. It’s like a 3-d movie without the glasses, it’s not the same show.
Laneia: Yes I relate to this feeling.
Rose agrees:
Oh this is how Rose does lesbian sex btw. She didn’t say that, but we could hear her. She’s much easier to handle in sweatpants. Otherwise she’s just another loud girl with GIANT EARRINGS.
Mhm.
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Shiny Shiny Hair
Nikki & Jill have a crisis — they called the Wedding Planner and asked if she’d consider lowering her fee, then felt bad about it and then had to call the Wedding Planner back to apologize. There were email drafts involved:
Nikki says that she’s getting a $10,000 Nirvana package. That’s what she said!
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Riese: If I wanted to talk about weddings I’d watch Oxygen, not the Gay Show. I thought we couldn’t have weddings.
Alex: I cant wait to find out how much the whole wedding’s gonna cost, especially since it’s not even fucking legal.
Riese:: I want my wedding’s theme to be “Nirvana” too, we’ll listen to Smells Like Teen Spirit, wear flannel, and kill ourselves at the end.
Alexandra: This one time my cousin was married for two years. his wedding cost $35 K.
Laneia: COUGH::
Riese: I am going to marry someone in a field, the theme will be “Wedding in a Field.”
Laneia: Riese! Gazebo!
Riese: Gazebo! Sorry babe.
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Stand Up Stand Up Stand Up For Your Rights
Stamie has noticed that Tracy is skinny naturally and beautiful and should be in pictures, so she’s invited some Pretty People Agents to her comedy show to meet Tracy. Tracy’s totally up for it because she thinks it’ll be a challenge. Like A TOP MODEL CHALLENGE! God I could go for some Tyra Mail right now.
Yup, I’m Adorable, You Can’t Help It
Everyone loves Tracy, obviously, and she is destined for the big screen I can already see her name in lights. In the meantime, Stamie’s stand-up was a hit and a half!
Shiny Happy People Holding Hands
Shiny Happy People Laughing!
Shiny Happy People in Winter Hats!
Shiny Happy Girlfriend Laughing
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Whitney meets up with her trainer to go to aforementioned girl party and SURPRISE Romi and Tor are there too! How will Whitney be able to tell the difference between all of them after a few Tequila shots?
It Tastes the Same (If You Close Your Eyes)
Eh, Whit don’t care, she’s too excited by how hot Miranda is, moreso when she learns that Miranda is bisexual (in Ilene Chaiken’s world means “psychotic lesbian, watch out”).
But lest this party really get started, Whitney spots Romi across the bar giving her a look. You know. THAT LOOK:
THIS LOOK:
So then Whitney has to leave Miranda the Trainer and go handle her bitches, which makes me want to do this to that photo:
Whitney says that Romi created the situation, an assessment that Romi contests. Whitney says Romi’s just trying to get attention and be dramatic. There is no possible way for this to go well, so I wish Romi would just take her shirt off again. She does not.
Laneia: Know who didn’t create this??? FUCKING ROMI, YOU TWAT! I would like to step on Whitney’s hair — YES ROMI!!
Riese: Why does she still have that feather in her ear? Is this another Native appropriation thing?
Listen, if I Kiss You, I Might End Up Eating Your Blood, Which Would Be Gross
This little snafu either takes up the entire trip out, or I hit my head on something and forgot the rest. We jump to the car ride home, where Whitney wants to vent but Tor says at the end of the day (which it is), she’s got no sympathy for Whit and suggests she make her own bed and lie in it. Making your bed = always a good idea. Everyone has to grow up eventually.
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Riese: I want people to yell at each other, because I’m bored.
Laneia: TELL HER OFF, TOR!
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Whitney’s like, “It’s not me, it’s Romi, she is dramatic. All the world’s a stage, obvs. Get with it.”
The GPS Just said ‘Recalculating’ as a Joke
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Talk to Elvis
Raquel and Mikey are in bed, being cute. I don’t know how this happened, but it’s happening, they’re being sorta cute. Mikey says something gross at the end, but if you scream loud enough you can’t hear a thing.
If you like it then you gotta put a giant ring on it.
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Riese: Her ring is bigger than this show has made my brain
Laneia: That’s an Edward Cullen ring!
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“It’s a very intense connection that we have,” Raquel tells us about her and The Mikester. But we already knew. We saw the Buddha. We know there are always deeply important things happening beneath the surface here, on this wonderful show. It’s like snorkeling!! Or Deep Sea Power-of-the-Clam Driving!
But with cute dogs:
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Oh by the way, I think all of these scenes count as lesbian sex. Also want to see the lesbian sex flowchart again? Here it is.
Comments
I cannot speak because I lol-ed too hard.
Seriously, watching this episode was painful on so many levels, so called lesbians trying to explain what lesbian sex is and what IS considered as sex in a very hetero-normal way, was just a disgrace…
Thank God for your recaps :D
This show is just fake and unreal, it’s completely alien to me.
Now I’m just hoping that the BBC will release their damn British L word-like show, “Lip Service” so that we have a proper portrayal of lesbians on TV :D Oh hell, bring back Callie and Arizona for an extra summer spin off of Grey’s Anatomy, whatever!
The hetero-centric definitions of lesbian sex made my girlfriend rant loudly. Usually that’s what I do, not her!
I love the flow chart! I will bust that shit out at Thanksgiving so that my whole family can be enlightened about the mysteries of sex.
OM NOM NOM (I made a sandwich).
“I got 99 problems but this suite ain’t one.”
I’ve been laughing at this for an hour now, and counting.
OMG, this one’s a keeper. Frame it.
…you guys i know we/i love tracey and stamie but what if they were wrong? what if my vagina CATCHES ON FIRE?!
or worse, what if all we ever do is cuddle?!!
Until the last season, I pretty much loved “The L Word” even though the characters were not like any lesbians I have ever known in my entire life.
For that same reason, I find “The Real L Word” very unreal. I am not a big fan of realty shows, most of them seem contrived to me, so I may not be the best to even make a statement about this new creation from Ilene Chaiken.
My partner and I write coming out books for lesbians, bisexual and questioning women, and we have a support group with over 950 members. Some of our members like the show, and some don’t like it at all. This quote seems to be the consensus of the members who don’t like the show:
“I don’t want to be a lesbian like any of those women…I don’t want to be associated with any of them…”
I was really hoping that this would not be the case, as our group has discussions about current events, news and movies that concern the LGBT community quite a bit. I was looking forward to them being able to see a good reality show about real lesbian life, and the discussions that would follow each week.
Maybe “The Real L Word” will grow on our members who don’t like it, but sadly most were so turned off the first couple of episodes, that they are not giving it a chance to do so. They are still watching “The L Word” on DVD though…
“Alex when you talk about moving to LA while we’re watching this show, I get sad. That’s like saying you want to become a Nazi during Schindler’s List.”
Funnier/truer words were never written.
ok, now that I’m done with page one (I’ll finish reading later), I just gotta say queerfolk,
If you eat out a girl without a dam, you could get HPV in your throat which can lead to THROAT CANCER. So no fuck you to Whitney, miz “Oral sex exchange” is not “full sex.”
My general rule of thumb is that if you’re doing something that could expose you or your partner/s to STDs, it’s sex. Just because there isn’t a cis dick involved doesn’t negate the fact that it’s fucking.
In conclusion, you had sex with the girl who fingered you last night. Always use gloves/dams/condoms plz!!
Related: Could it be any clearer that this show is not for us? Otherwise why the fuck would they spend an episode explaining what lezzie sex is? It’s so heterosexist/misogynist of them to perpetuate the notion two women can’t fuck each other. Piss off, TRLW.
The “Bitch stop making drama” picture made me spit coffee all over my desk.
Cuuuuuuute.
“Hey So, About You Being a Total Douchebag…
Whitney is hungover and tired from One Night in Romi, and Alyssa is annoyed and tired from Living Every Day With Whitney while Whitney Makes My Cousin Sad.”
hilarious.
i’ve started referring to Whitney as The Predator cuz she looks like the Predator and acts like one.
Mikey in my crib is now referred to as Rod Stewart.
that’s all for now.
i haven’t seen any yet BUT MIKEY LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ROD STEWART. hair-wise at least, which is what counts. in drawing her hair, i was like, okay, rod stewart hair, right?
OMG WHITNEY DOES LOOK LIKE THE PREDATOR OH JEEZ
…now thats all ill ever see when i look at her….
“Mikey is so inspired by the breathtaking views of sin and greed that she decides she’s gonna marry Raquel that very night, ’cause it turns out she can fly in after all.”
I thought this was a joke, but then it turned out to NOT BE A JOKE AT ALL
If I ever get married, it’ll be H&M dresses, beer / potato chips and flowers from my garden.
Seriously Real L Word peeps, keep your money for stuff that actually matters: cat food, computers or, I don’t know, fighting for our rights maybe?
Perfect, as long as it’s good imported beer and some sort of fancy baked chip, of course.
do baked lays count? :)
You know when you have a dream and you wake up not remembering it but you still get the creeps from it The Real L Word is that dream.
Awesome recap. Way better than the god damned show.
This review was so funny! The past reviews were kind of Rush Limbaugh just hateful for no reason. Now you are like Howard Stern…still hateful but funny. Okay maybe hate is a bit much…but highly annoyed. I really didn’t know that white people were like this…meaning that I didn’t know you guys saw other white people who clearly aren’t you and some how make it about yourself. See I know some black people and they get all upset of let’s say BET because it somehow represents them. This is kind of like that…ridiculous.
My wife and I (legally married in Canada) have been together for seven years and every week we see parts of our relationship somehow represented in the show. And it makes us laugh and reflect on the trials and tribulations of said romance. But at no time do we cringe of even care about the embarrassing things that they do because as much as it is a show it’s not scripted. So I am just going to speak for the cast, of who I admit I don’t know from a can of paint and say, it is what it is! When you guys get a little older you will see that this show is great.
I agree, the other recaps just seemed hateful and they actually made me more embarrassed to be gay than the show itself. The joke was on Autostraddle instead of TRLW.
But this one was actually funny! Keep up the good work girls!
the joke was on Autostraddle? ’cause we were honest about how we felt about the show? It’s a bad show. I wrote this recap to please everybody, but in the past I was honest and i think honesty is important, and I don’t care about representation ’cause I don’t think anyone is watching this show so it doesn’t matter really. I just want to be entertained, is all, to be at least as compelling as other reality shows that people apparently liked a lot more.
The recaps made you embarrassed to be gay? really?
That’s devastating.
Autostraddle makes me proud to be gay everyday
lol. I love how the first 2 comments are like insults rolled in loving appreciation.
I’ve tried to watch and it’s laughable and the level of stupidity and superficiality is awe-inspiring (to be fair, I hate on all reality tv) but mostly it’s freaking me out because IFC is driving. it ain’t about the color of their skin, but I know some people in this world still live there, so ok.
btw, nobody can _make_ you feel something. that comes wholly from within. just sayin’.
Not only does Autostraddle make ME proud to be gay, I think Autostraddle might actually make me a little gay.
Perhaps what the people actually say when they’re actually in front of the cameras is unscripted, but come on, you know they pull stuff apart and piece it back together in post. That’s, like, the reality show modus operandi.
I think this is the most condescending comment I’ve ever seen on Autostraddle. Get a grip.
The “Is it sex” flowchart needs to be made into t-shirts, like right now.
This show is just too much for me. The only reason I’m glad that it exists is for these incredible recaps. I agree that I am more interested in the main cast’s friends, lovers, and family.
actually, that’s a pretty solid idea. ALEX YOU MADE THE FLOW CHART SO BEAUTIFUL
what she said! ^ esp the tee shirt idea
Why would I watch the “Real” L word, when I get more bang for my buck right here??????
“it tastes the same(if you close your eyes)” = amazing. every time RENT is referenced, a fairy gets its wings.
also, that flowchart is for sure in the top 5 best things i have seen in my life ever.
I rofl at them. Since when is a sex act not a sex act? Who the hell is rewriting these definitions and how much of ‘la la la la I can’t hear you!’ goes into it? I can go down on a gal, and finger, and do a whole crapload of stuff, etc spoon after and fall asleep from exhaustion (booyah)… but according to these crazy kids, we never had sex! WOT! -.-
also that first picture of mikey looking like a total bug-eyed weirdo is amazing
I ONLY watch this show so I can read the recaps. Showtime should def thank you.
Also, I have a big crush on Raquel, ginormous finger ring notwithstanding. Her ring reminds of the ginormous ring Bette was wearing when she kissed Tina at Shebar in season 5.
Are ginormous finger rings a new trend that I don’t know about?
“HOW COOL IS THIS FONT?!” = DIED.
can i reiterate the fact that when i say i hate whitney and want to barf on her knees, i mean the CHARACTER of whitney that the editors have tried so desperately to create. i don’t hate anyone IRL b/c none of this shit is RL, so.
i’m standing by all of the haircut comments, though. seriously.
also this is maybe probably the best recap so far.
Thanks for your hard work on the recap. Worth it. And worth repeating that the recap is 50 times better than the show. That sex flowchart is so, so good, and I’ve been LOL’ing, rereading and re-LOL’ing at this all morning: “Mikey explains that because Mikey missed her flight on 9/11 from Pittsburgh to LAX, which got hijacked with all her bags inside (she lost her entire collection, it was devastating etc), she’s not upset at Raquel. She’s just 95% confident that her future wife just dodged a close encounter with Al Queda.”
I am really glad I never have to watch this show because I have your recaps. Thank you. And thank you for the flowchart. That was very informative. I think maybe before I was confused.
Also “This is like when your mom talks about your first period to your neighbors or something.” Yes.
And at work the other day a rowdy table of 6 was raving about the real L word (and maybe there was one lesbian at the table, or maybe zero) and I had to try really hard not to die from laughing and get fired on my first shift. Or not die on my first shift.
I’m pretty sure I’m not alone when I say that the OG L Word played a significant role in my coming out to myself process (Poor little lonely lez etc etc). I don’t even want to think of where I might be in life if I had peeped out the Closet and saw this Real rif raf instead. Oh god. I probably would have dove right back in and jumped on the first train back to the Penetration Station.
riese and i have discussed this very thing and we agree with you wholeheartedly.
This i feel is an important thing. Where is the Lesbian(or gay or tran or whatevs) Anna Karenina? And if i hear Well of loneliness somebody will get shot.
This is glorious. That chart includes sandwiches, and I love sandwiches.
Once, long ago, possessed with the same desire to definitively answer the Sphinx-ian riddle of “what IS lesbian sex?” I walked around West Hollywood with a video camera and interviewed fellow lesbians (some sober, some not-so-sober) re: their opinions/definitions of lesbian sex and lesbian porn. The answers I got were all over the damn place, much like the girls on TRFLW. I would show the doc to you guys, because it actually turned out really funny and I interviewed some awesome Brits and The French Shane (no, really, she looked just like Shane but was French) but I didn’t get any actor releases because it was just for a college class. HOWEVS…the flow chart made my life/summed up all the various answers PERFECTLY and I second, third, double-fist the motion that it be made into T-shirts, posters, etc. etc.
Conclusion: lesbian sex has multiple definitions just like lesbians give each other multiple orgasms. case closed.
Flow Chart FTW. It will be a great consultation point the next time I make a sandwich sin pantalones.
The only reason I continue to watch this show (other than that other reason that involves something like driving slowly past a semi/smart-car accident) is so I can have my deliciously hearty belly-laugh of the week over reading these recaps. Riese, if I wasn’t already in a lovely relationship, I would hop a plane to take you out– we could discuss the oh-so-elusive definition of lesbian sex and ponder the sunglasses-indoors agenda (sigh)
I’m commenting on this because I want Riese to know that her Herculean efforts are appreciated.
Also, this…The oral sex exchange is like the stock exchange. Where everyone also gets fucked.…is AMAZING.
Just so we’re all clear, Beyonce stays at the MGM and her suite has two levels AND has a pool table.
Is there any chance Mikey got the fancy pants Luxor suite because they thought she was Rod Stewart?
Your recaps are amazing, you guys are so funny. But I feel kinda guilty loving them because you hate having to watch it so much, and then having to write about it – thats true dedication! Which is very much appreciated from me too!
It’s all Bill Clinton’s fault guys. He broke the definition of sex for everyone back in the 90s.
i think she’s right.
Don’t forget DOMA too!
And don’t even get me started on him bailing at the last second as UCLA’s grad speaker in ’08….woulda forgiven the man for wrecking the definition of sex, but now I just want to throw a dildo at his face.
Ohmigawd, throw a dildo at him. Is that like the lesbian version of throwing a shoe and no one told me?
Hahaha…it is now!! I hope it catches on.
Time to go protest dildo shopping!
you guys this week i learned how to make my computer take periodic screenshots of a DVD automatically!
OMG how? Please tell me you’re on a Mac so I can do it too.
Does Mikey mean that her collection was on any old random flight from Pittsburgh to LAX on 9/11, she missed THAT flight, and then the collection was lost in the ensuing travel stoppage? Because there was no hijacked flight from Pittsburgh to LAX on 9/11/01. A check of Wikipedia confirms that the hijacked flights were BOS->LAX, BOS->LAX, Dulles->LAX, and Newark->SFO. If that’s creative editing, that’s beyond offensive.
i was curious about that too…
Yeah I was wondering that too, because that would be offensive! But maybe it wasn’t a direct flight, and there was a transfer in Boston or New York.
yeah i wondered about that as well. but then i remembered that this show is like 75% nonsense?
hahaha i would also be a person to bring a novel to a wedding planning session, just like i declined to join a wedding dress shopping trip less than a fortnight ago, because snore/suicide. so thank you for the entertainment and the sacrifice because i want to know what’s happening but i sure as shit am not watching it.
1. I am 2 episodes behind.
2. Robin refuses to watch this show because it bums her out.
3. If Sara had made out with Whitney I was going to tell everybody, but she didn’t. So I have nothing interesting to tell you.
oh oh oh! one more!
4. i love you guys. (and the flowchart obvs)
Love the recap. Love this show.
Nikki & Jill are so cute. Tracey and Stamie are sweet. And Whitney, Rose and Mikey’s shenanigans crack me up, they look like they know how to have a good time!
Some people obviously take it waaaaaay too serious though. Always that whole ‘ow but it’s not representative’, ‘that’s not what lesbians are really like’ & ‘I don’t know anyone like that’ discussion.. Come on! It’s entertainment; watch it, enjoy it, make fun of it, and then move on.
X
This is completely irrelevant but I just wanted to share the joy I feel. Why? Well, because as of today marriage is for everyone in Argentina! 14 hours of debate, i was so nervous…this is such a relief.
Felicitaciones!! Va a casarles ahora :)
(that might not have been correct, but i’m trying…and now i have yet another reason to move to buenos aires)
I have a question for the law people here: is it even LEGAL to cut statements together the way you want them to be in a TV show? I mean, Nikki declared that she never actually said the thing about looking more “fabulous” in a designer dress but was talking about her weird body shape. They simply took two totally different sentences and cut them together into one.
Just imagine the police working together with IFC in a murder investigation, it would be -oh wait THEY DID, weirdest investigation ever! Now we know how Alice would have ended up in jail. “I didn’t murder Jenny, I did have crazy sex with my girlfriend though” could suddenly become. “I didn’t have crazy sex with my girlfriend, I did murder Jenny though”
I’m no lawyer, but I’m pretty sure they sign releases that let Showtime/IFC do whatever the crap they want with the footage.
it’s true, that’s the basis for like, all reality television.
I missed the last show/recap so when I saw there were four whole pages of recap for this ep I thought several worrisome things about why there might be so much, and wondered if perhaps the last three pages were just full of “ALL TLRW AND NO PLAY MAKES AUTOSTRADDLE A DULL BOY” and the extreme exposure required for recapping should have made you flip.
I mean, this is really a superhuman effort for you guys to keep doing this.
There are too wonderful/hilarious things in this recap to quote without reaching the comment box’s perhaps-non-existent character limit, so I will just pick my fave:
Laneia: I want my dress to be thesaurus.com. But only the good words.
This is the first thing I have ever read that has made me seriously want to marry someone.
I went to bed before I finished reading the recap cause I was super sleepy, but I keep dreaming about weird haircuts and weirder definitions of lesbian sex. I’m pretty happy I don’t get to watch this, recaps are enogh.
Another excruciating experience…
Ilene Chaiken knows how to make a dead boring, fake, annoying show about lesbians!
I know the Luxor Hotel and the Roxbury Cafe now, i have the “LA non existent Fashion Week” and “Stamie’s doing a stand up every Thursday” written in my DNA and i can sleep tight!
I also know that Nikki’s loaded with money and she wants to spend it to a Nirvana Jewish Wedding, that is not even recognized by the State.
What the F*#ck?
At least i have my weekly recap on Autostraddle! Thank you girls!!
I’m a little in love with Romi, but I’m always confused about her one feather.
so, I wasn’t aware that it was so damn hard to define lesbian sex. how ’bout this? if you’re female and trying for an orgasm with one or more chicks, then you’re having lesbian sex.
now that i got that outta the way. i possibly love the recaps more than the actual show. it’s a shame whitney’s so annoying, because she’s really ‘effing cute.
When I went to The Luxor, there was no pool table. Temples, grave chambers and buildings from before Time, however, were present.
I’m never going to Las Vegas. I feel like my esthetics center never would make a full recovery,
I LOVE THIS. So hilarious
the “if its not penetration its not sex” comment made me so goddamn mad and was probably pieced together so that all the straight dudes watching the show feel great about their nasty schlongs. not all dykes like penetration. my girlfriend and i BOTH don’t like it, and we give each other multiple orgasms almost every night. shit, it’s like the show went back to 1950 when no one knew what a CLITORIS was. to me, sex=ORGASMS, achieved with one or more partners! my answer to any stupid ass who asks me what lesbians do in bed is “have orgasms rather than fake them and then get a urinary tract infection the way most straight girls do.”