Real L Word Recap: Episode 101 – The Power of the Clam is Overrated

[Editor’s Note: I’ve been totally stalled on recapping this thing, because Dinah Shore only lasts for five days for a reason. Girl drama gets boring real fast, unless a writer writes it better than it is in real life — much like straight drama. At some point I could no longer take it. Yell at me, tell me I can’t spell, it’s okay, I want more than this MORE THAN THIS I want us all to have fun, I want life to be full of fun, and heart, and peace, and things that matter, and good education & free health insurance & a better economy and The Nicest Thing the Movie Dot Com and equal rights, and that’s what I want. I want love, a farm, and mountains. xoxo]

Anyhow, let’s begin! Have you ever felt any of the following feelings in the company of other females?

1. Electricity
2. Heat
3. Lightning through your body
4. Chemistry
5. A “rush”
6. A”click,” or a “click right away”
7. A visceral reaction
8. A lightbulb going off in your head

Then you may have a disease — it’s called Real Lesbians. Luckily, there’s a show for that, filled with other ladies who have those feelings, too! And LOVE talking about it! It’s called The Real L Word, and it premiered Sunday night at 10 P.M. on Showtime.

Back in the old days when I recapped The L Word for my blog and The L Word Online, I aimed to have my L Word recaps up immediately after the show’s end, otherwise known as “10 P.M.”

Unfortunately, this show has no premise, no rising action and no conflict and therefore… I really you know, have had a hard time. It’s a bunch of girls who like girls, mostly wearing the same color tank tops.

Also it gave me a lot of feelings about The Power of the Clam:

Basically this is the premise: Ilene Chaiken made a show, The L Word:

People complained “lesbian life isn’t really like that.” Now Ilene’s made a reality show to prove that yeah, it really is like that.

Unfortunately, a lot of the interesting people who were offered spots on The Real L Word said hell-to-the-NO. The girls on it seem like nice people, but it’s been edited into oblivion, and for me personally or anyone who’s spent any time in the “scene” depicted on this show, Karman Kregloe at AfterEllen had it dead on when she explained:

I suspect it’s all about perspective. As a Los Angeles resident who regularly spots neighbors/co-workers/acquaintances on reality shows (and wonders why they do it), I find the women and the “scene” to be familiar, even predictable.

Watching the show with friends, the most dramatic moments for them didn’t involve Whitney’s revolving bedroom door or Rose’s loutish treatment of her girlfriend. They were just worried that they might have inadvertently ended up in a background shot of a bar scene. (So far, two episodes in, they seemed to have eluded the cameras.) But if you don’t live in Los Angeles, and the “characters” aren’t a part of your everyday scenery, you might just find the show fascinating. Maybe not terribly “real,” but interesting nonetheless.

Ultimately the show lacks heart or a soul heavy/significant enough to move your own. I never watch this genre of TV so I’ve just been briefed on Laguna Beach: apparently the show’s driving force was that there were two girls who liked the same guy and viewers picked a side. We don’t even have THAT, yannow?

Can someone send these girls to an island, make them produce  dishes with one key ingredient or design clothes out of haystacks, or have them compete for the heart of the Bachelor or fight for the gauntlet or something? No? Just film their lives or whatever because they are lesbians? Okay.

LET’S ROLL!

So you should know the cast members are:
Rose — girlfriend Natalie
Mikey — girlfriend Raquel
Whitney — hoes in different area codes
Tracy — girlfriend Stamie (has three kids)
Jill & Nikki — girlfriends engaged.

I’m going to be share the opinions of our random friends who watched the show, and who you may or may not know or care about. It doesn’t really matter, they’re all SO FUNNY!

Executive Editor Laneia, Senior Writer Jess, DJ Carlytron, AS Photographer RobinMiss April Sarah C., Miss February Julia, me (Riese) our stylist Sara M and Suzanna (who’s from the internet). Design Director Alex was there, too, but she got bored and started working on golden retrievers dot com, I kid you not. Also Crystal was there for part of it but I think was just as bored as when I made her watch it the first time, and we both died a bit inside.


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UPDATE: Showtime has uploaded the episode to YouTube,
so you can all play along at home!

The episode opens with some oddly edited, shoe-fetish-focused interviews about everybody’s first time with a lady. Carly says the interviews are out of focus, and Laneia thinks Mikey looks like Rod Stewart.

Part One: Meeting the Ladies

Once upon a time, there were six pretty ladies who’d never had sex with another lady. Then one day they had sex with another lady.

Rose can’t remember the girl’s name, but we do get some interesting family background here when she explains that during her first time she’d “never had a girl’s breast in her mouth or her face before,” which means clearly she was not breastfed. Regardless, now Rose would like to spend the rest of her life with other girl’s tits in her face and by golly SHE HAS. She is kicking Shane’s ASS on Our Chart. (RIP)

Jill said her first time was “almost a similar feeling to when she lost her virginity” (beat) “to a man.” Except without the bleeding and the sperm in her bellybutton, etc., I imagine. Nikki tackled someone like a tiger, which is the best mating strategy around.

Tracy did four shots at a lesbian bar with a girl she’d just met. That’s our kind of lady.

Yabba Dabba Doo You

And then we get to Whitney, who is the star of this episode. Whitney was 9, her lady-love was 11. Coincidentally, that’s also the number you call to report inappropriate sexual activity between minors ANYHOO, these precocious pre-teens decided to use whipped cream to be “romantic.” I can’t even make fun of this, because whipped cream was the primary tool used by me and my gay best friend when we decided to lose our virginities to each other just for funsies. I thought he might like girls better if they were covered in food, and I was more or less right.

However Whitney wasn’t so lucky. She had to resort to sour cream & fruity pebbles. Which is gross. Why not just gas your playdate with Lysol or something.

It’s Hammer Time

Oh hey the minute you walked in the door, BUM BUM, I could tell you were a real big douchebag, a real big Mikey duh duh duh duh here’s Mikey duh dum dum take your tie off hayyyyy:

Mikey: “All I know is I woke up one morning, and I was super fucking horny, and we started making out and before I knew it, I was giving her a fucking orgasm.”

And before I knew it, I was squirting a bucket of mayonnaise in your eyesocket, you self-obsessed weirdo. How did you end up on my teevee? Where’s Blue’s Clues?

Carly: “No one cares about coming out or first time stories. Why do they keep talking about this? Consensus: this is boring.”

The opening theme song is terrible, but not aggressively so. On a scale of one to ten, I’d give it a “slightly better than BETTY.” That being said, I miss Jenny’s boobs.


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Part Two: Whitney the Womaneater

I Just Can Hop a Plane and Come and Visit You Again

This episode mainly focuses on Whitney and how she makes out with a lot of chicks.

Whitney: “I am currently single, there are a lot of girls who I take home, or that I am dating or seeing, and I feel like I just have too many things going on at once.”

For example, she’s presently heading to the airport to pick up another one of her “things” named Sara, along with their mutual friend Taylor. Whitney had a fling with Sara “in the past and potentially in present.” If you try to diagram Whitney’s sentences, you’ll end up with pencils in your eyesockets, so just roll with it.

This is Sara. She’ll look like everyone else in about twenty minutes, but it might not actually matter, because of this power – this all-powerful power. This power of the clam (more on this later):


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Like Duck Duck Goose But With More Vadge

At Alcove, Whitney & her San Francisco friends and LA Transplants discuss pressing topics, such as: the difference between girls in San Francisco & Los Angeles. The word “futch” is used here without irony or any props given to the fine founder of this bizarre linguistic mishap, our friend Dani Campbell.

Think life in the City of Angels is all vagina and fruity pebbles/sour cream? You’re wrong. There’s a serious epidemic happening. It’s like anthrax kinda:

“Femmes who think they’re butch because they’re girls with short haircuts.”

Posers. Wanting to be a part of a kickass but totally misunderstood segment of the lesbian mini-minority. God, next thing you know they’re going to be appropriating Native American culture!

Sorry Your Earrings Called But You Didn’t Hear Them Because of your Earrings

Riese: As a descendent of Pochahantas I am offended by these earrings.
Laneia: Look and they’re even smoking.
Riese: Just like the Natives.

Sara and Whitney go to have a cigarette, and music starts playing like she’s about to say something interesting, like “When I met Sara, I had just moved to LA to be a writer while living with my swim coach boyfriend Tim, then I met this ambiguously foreign and literate woman at a lesbian hangout called The Planet, and then then Bette & Tina had a party to find a sperm donor?…and then I was going to the bathroom, and she came in there with me, and I felt so scared” etc etc.

But instead it’s all about abstract “chemistry” and something with ex-girlfriends. Also Whitney is “amazing,” their connection is “different,” it “feels good to see each other.” Also: they’re ‘similar creatures.’ Outside, they share cigs & hugs and Whitney confides:

Whitney: “I can’t tell if I want to shake her, make out with her, or just fuck her.”

Shake her! Shake her! That would be funny right? Like Shaken Baby Syndrome? Oh, dead babies. Hahahaha.


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We Got That B-Roll

Riese: Can we talk about the b-roll.
Carly: Oh Yes! The EDGY LA B-ROLL. South of Nowhere called, they want their b-roll back
Riese: Beverly Hills 90210 is on the other line


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Part Three: Meet Jill & Nikki

Matchy-Matchy

Nikki & Jill have been together for over a year, and they love each other so much that they sometimes accidentally wear the same shade of lavender.

Nikki: “I’m really the straightest gay person you’ll ever meet.”

I don’t know what that means, but I think I hate it.

Over invisible food, the dynamic duo discusses rubbing each other’s feet, making the bed, and touching each other how they like to be touched. I assume the server must have dropped by and asked, “Anyone want some wine? What sort of generic, cotton-commercial-style match.com-esque activities do the two of you do at home alone? I’ll be right back to take your order.”

With a wedding coming up soon, they’ve only got like nine months left to sit on the couch with their laptops and look at photographs of themselves.

Seriously Pedicuring is a Good Skill in a Lady

Nikki gives Jill a pedicure while chanting, “this little piggy went to Gucci, and this little piggy went to H&M because you gotta keep it real.” H&M = keepsin’ it real.

Laneia: “In my world, it’s like, “This little piggy goes to target.”
Riese: “And this little piggy also went to Target.”
Laneia: “And this little piggy stayed home and cried because it didn’t have any money.”

Nikki & Jill knew each other from summer camp (when Nikki dated Jill’s brother) ages ago, and now they are back together, through the power of the internet and specifically their camp website.

Laneia: They reconnected like THIS (does scissoring gesture).
Riese: Scissoring, it’s always scissoring.
Laneia: UGH Why are they wearing belts on the couch?
Riese: She’s probably gonna ask her if dhr’d ever been toed.
Julia: They’re gonna fuck with their feet!
Riese: I love asking people if they’ve ever been toed.
Julia: Riese asks me this all the time, SERIOUSLY.

Planing their not-wedding is gonna stress them out! Nikki says, “I know people that are gay in Los Angeles, but as far as the scene, it’s not who I am.” I agree, Nikki. Fist bump. Speaking of who I am Not, let’s go meet Mikey!


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Part Four: Meet Mikey

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Maybe ‘Cause You Act Like A DICK ALL THE TIME

“I am gay man trapped in a lesbian’s body,” Mikey begins, before sharing her job (producer of events like LA Fashion Week) and introducing her girlfriend (Raquel, who Mikey calls “plus-sized,” to which one of Mikey’s gays responds that “gay fat is the straight skinny.”)

Insight:

Mikey: “Most of us think I’m this tough butch girl b/c I have these tattoos but mostly I’m just a softie on the inside… but I’ll still fuck you up if you cross me.”

Everyone on this show has tattoos, silly rabbit, that doesn’t make you a tough butch. We get some history: Raquel & Mikey have been together for seven months, though oddly their peers are just now asking for the story of how they met — omg guess what? Mikey thought Raquel was a TRANNY! Hahaha! And then Mikey choked her or something. Now their relationship has grown, as they’ve moved past these stereotypes and onto new ones.


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Part Five: Meet Tracy

Tracy is Wearing a Bathing Suit Recommended by our Swimsuit Post

Oh, Tracy. Tracy Tracy Tracy. Tracy’s a development executive at a production company for films & teevee, and also, semi-by-default, we have decided that Tracy can do no wrong. In fact (as we’re about to learn), her girlfriend’s family is the most interesting part of this epiosde.

Tracy: “I am 29, and I think I’m a late bloomer in a lot of ways. I first realized that I might like women 5 years ago when I went to Magic Mountain with a friend who worked with me. We were being sort of pulled through the lines, and she grabbed my arm, and it was like electricity that just sort of ran through my body, like this lightbulb that went off in my head and I was like, OMG, I don’t want her to be my best friend, I really am attracted to her.”

Haha, Magic Mountain!?

Tracy’s friend Kathleen has offered to sit next to Tracy on the boardwalk and smile and nod while Tracy provides her expository backstory for the camera.

Call it Off, Break Your Own Contract

Her friend is modeling through it as Tracy discusses how much she misses surfing.

Then we cut to Tracy’s home to learn about her family life.

The Good News is that Tracy Often Walks Around In her Underwear

Tracy’s mom & dad just got divorced and live in Jersey. You probs missed that part ’cause Tracy was walking around in her underwear when she told you that. They speak in Spanish, the language of the Jerseyans. JK, she’s half Puerto Rican.

Tracy’s Mom isn’t a “fan”of Tracy’s sexuality, but Tracy feels ready to have an “adult conversation” about the issue. Perhaps that will be when heart & soul make their guest appearance on the show.


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Part Six: Rose & Whitney Go Out, Have Drama

The Rose of my Heart’s Desire is Not Rose

Rose opens with, “This is how you roll, bitches!” followed up with an interview where she claims that “for every girl that says no, there are ten that are gonna say yes.” It’s a little rapey, and also quite loud.

Rose repeats Whitney’s assertion that L.A. has the prettiest girls:

Rose: “There’s a top 1% in the lesbian world. People who dress good, who look good, who can show you a good time. If you have that then you’re on top of your game. It’s done.”

Riese: “I would think the top 1% would be like, the mayor of houston, Rachel Maddow, Sarah Waters, Tegan & Sara, um, the girl in charge of GetEqual…”

Rose came out at 19 or 20 (she can’t remember, just like she can’t remember the name of the body housing her mouth’s first breast), and then this “monster” (her personality) sprung right out! Now they’ve let the monster loose on Truck Stop, which you may recognize from your actual life or Gimme Sugar or lesbian folklore.

OMG IT’S A REAL LIVE POWERCLAM

Actually for real, we always thought the girls who stood at the front of the bar at Truck Stop, screaming and putting dollar bills in the dancers’ underpants, were tourists. You learn something new every day. Today we learned that we are snobs and those girls are Rose.

Carly: “This show is just ‘let’s go someplace and wear tank tops!”


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Whitney and her friends, who are apparently also in Rose’s top 1%, plan to show their San Fran pals a good time that doesn’t involve veganism or political activism: The Betty!

It’s Like Coyote Ugly, Except Embarrassing

Whitney is impressed when Sara takes off her shoes and starts dancing barefoot on the bar, getting all kinds of athlete’s foot and AIDS. Whitney says Sara looks “real good up there.” Our reaction was more, “someone get Sara off the bar and into a cab pronto” but then HARK! A lesbian at a lesbian bar spots another lesbian she once made out with! THIS SPELLS TROUBLE. This NEVER happens! The lesbian world is SO GIGANTIC that you can pretty much guarantee: make out ONCE and then NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

Lesbian Squabble #1: I Like You But I Like a Lot of People
In the Ring: Romy vs. Whitney
How it Goes Down: Whitney leaves Sara to “go take care of this” super-important situation with Romy. Most of this is recapped by Whit herself, as it likely didn’t happen so dramatically in real life. Romy keeps saying, “it’s fine,” but Whitney keeps pushing it and saying, “no it’s not fine,” because obviously she’s 1) a manipulative asshole or 2) they’re trying to create drama.
Who Wins? Unfortunately I gotta give it to Whitney. Romy is crying outside of a bar, and the girl crying outside of the bar always loses.

However, damn, I feel like Romy is READING MY MIND:

Scarlett, also, a woman after my own heart:

After this, I take a mini-nap and wake up to hear Rose screaming some nonsense about a diaper. Or rather not Rose, but a friend of Rose’s, who we’re pretty sure is Justin Beiber.

Lesbian Squabble #2: Lezbros Before Hos
In the Ring: Rose vs. Justin Bieber
How it Goes Down: Rose has to go home because she can’t stay out all night, munching vadge, when she’s got a vadge at home that’s neatly packaged in cute pink shorts. Justin, who’s only 15 and therefore knows nothing of the adult life of going out, thinks she should stay out all night. Justin asks if Natalie will be doing Rose’s diaper. That’s private, Justin. Good grief.
Who Wins? Natalie?

These Earrings Used to be Bracelets But I’m Secretly Really Crafty

Hay, Natalie’s earrings get screen time! Rose and Natalie have been together for about seven months. Natalie loves Rose. I want to fist Natalie’s earrings so bad, I can hardly stand it. I haven’t felt this way since the last time I saw Papi.

Rose comes home to her lady-love and their depressed dog.

This Dog Misses Girls Girls Girls

Rose’s voiceover announces that, since meeting Natalie and buying matching hats, she’s been behaving and avoiding the firecrackers that burn in her loins for other women, thank G-d.


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Part Seven: Whitney’s Got 99 Problems and a Bitch is Pretty Much All of Them

Give Up, And Admit You’re An Asshole

Back in Whitney’s Casa of Ill Repute, Scarlett & Whitney review “bad” text messages they’ve each received from Romy. Howevs, Whitney’s been texting Romy all night to apologize for the awkward situation, which seems like “mixed signals” to me. Ignore her, Whit-whit, then she’ll know you’re an asshole and move on.

Then Whitney calls Romy so that Romy can read her Lacey’s lines to Shane from the first episode of The L Word. In return, Whitney gets inexplicably emotional, saying that “she hates this” and then offering:

Whitney: “You deserve to be treated amazing, and you’re an amazing person, and I know that we’re gonna be great friends or whatever.”

Whitney explains her player style to the camera:

Whitney: “I don’t want anyone to get hurt, I really don’t. And I just wanna keep communication as open as possible.”

So girls, if Whitney has hurt you, feel free to communicate with her about it.

Alligator Tears Cried Over You

Whitney wants to know why Romy “walked away from her like that.” I think it was the cameras?

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2741 articles for us.

118 Comments

  1. I heart you guys. Reading this recap is very possibly the first time I’ve laughed all week. #powerofthefuckyouilenechaiken.

    I’m so in need of much fun and females and kissing and this weekend in Chicago 🙂

  2. Excellent recap, I think. I didn’t actually watch the show but this sounds right.

    I just realized that Whitney looks a bit like Janis Hawk from Flashforward (does anyone else see this?). Maybe that’s why I want to like her, in spite of all the catchphrase crap. In my mind, Whitney is a hot girl with dreads/tattoos that might also be a cool/kickass FBI agent. That would be a good reality show.

  3. “Actually for real, we always thought the girls who stood at the front of the bar at Truck Stop, screaming and putting dollar bills in the dancers’ underpants, were tourists.”

    Or umm, drunk. *hiding photographic evidence*

  4. “I’ve just been briefed on Laguna Beach.” That’s the quote of my week! From now on I’m gonna pretend I don’t watch certain shows and say I’ve been “Briefed” on them.

  5. i don’t understand how it was the first time tracy and whitney met at crownbar. that was dumb.

    also this show is dumb.

    all i want to say is that stamie and tracy are amazing and I HATE EVERYONE ELSE

  6. This recap is so f*cking good. Seriously so much entertaining than this show.

    As an LA lesbian, I feel that this show is so bad because most of the “scene” is so like this. Then I look at some of these girls (cough Whitney) and wonder how they can get so much pussy because they aren’t attractive.

    Best part of the show are Tracy and Stamie.

    Whitney makes me want to throw up in my mouth a lot.

    • Agreed! The scene is generally obnoxious, which is why I generally avoid it. Also, after watching Rose LITERALLY shove my girlfriend out of her way at the bar during Pride (I resisted the urge to kick her ass because I feared a bastion of hidden cameras…did not know the show had stopped filming) I decided that I was in no way going to renew my Showtime subscription. Or spend time in WeHo. I much prefer the beach cities (SaMo and Venice have normal lesbians, just saying!) Thank you Riese, for your stellar recaps, and I would just like to second the fact that we’re not all a bunch of whiny, stuck-up crazies like IC’s circle. The end.

  7. this show was embarrassing to watch but i made it through just for this recap.

    i was thinking that mikey was looking very bon jovi today but laneia’s rod stewart is dead on.

    i kept pointing out how cute rose’s friend who was yelling about diapers and staying out and forced someone else to pause and rewind so i could look at her again. then you go and blow up my spot and call her justin bieber. apparently i have a type after all.

  8. Hands down THE best recap of this show, and unfortunately, I’ve read many of them because I do not have Showtime…..although I now stand by my decision to not order it.

    Thank y’all for enduring this and then entertaining us!

    Also, I have had tears rolling down my face from this and the illustration:

    Sara: I said I wasn’t into it, not that I wasn’t into YOU. I’m into you 100%. There’s no like percentage left out of that. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with the situation at hand.

  9. Ya know what? I’m gonna make it my mission to watch this show every week as long as Riese is doing recaps. If you are going to write these long, thought out and FUNNY recaps I will at least try and choke down an eppy.

    This all kinda reminds me of required reading in AP English. I would try and read the books with complete disregard to the character description and instead insert characters from TV shows I watched (mainly Buffy and Star Trek). That resulted in cool situations like Warf becoming a socialist (in The Jungle) after his wife

    Other than Tracy I kinda like Nikki and Jill because they are just so obnoxious with each other. They remind me of the husband and wife from “Best in Show” that had the weimaraner and bought all of their clothing out of Lands End catalogues. Hopefully they don’t snap and start to freak out over bumblebee shaped dog toys. Actually that would rock. The blond one has crazy eye going on so fingers crossed!

    They also kinda remind me of most of my friends in relationships x_x…

  10. Things the Real L Word makes me not want to do:
    1. Move to LA
    2. Turn 21
    3. Have any lesbian friends. Ever.
    4. Talk to girls. Ever.

    I could obvs go on forever..
    5. Hook up with Rose (how does this girl get so many girls? She’s terrible)
    6. Have anything to do with the LA fashion scene (that is one trashy place)
    7. Marry Corpse Bride

  11. Am I the only one who wants to throw Whitney into a bathtub and scrub her hair clean and then apply mange cream to her scalp? I’ve seen hot dreads. Hot dreads are hot. These are abused dog dreads. Abused dog dreads are not hot, they are sad and pathetic and make you wanna go abuse whoever made the dog abuse dreads happen.

  12. I hope you got your paypal donations. This recap was funny.

    I think “Christ almighty” in the title is one of my fav parts.

    I think instead of actually watching the show I am going to spend my time reading your recaps and practicing putting my bra on the non-backwards way. I didn’t even know there was another way. This website has taught me so much.

  13. So, got around to watching this last night, trying my hardest to keep an open mind.

    I was surprised, because despite all the things I expected it to be, it managed to be something entirely unanticipated:

    dull

    Like, really, really boring. Probably the slew of promos and publicity killed it because there wasn’t any material in there that hadn’t been rammed down our throats harder than a 12″ schlong already.

    The Stamie/Julie thing was the only bit of decent entertainment, after that I stopped paying attention and spent the remainder trying to work out who Mikey’s mullet reminded me of, and how Whitney managed to get girls into bed (I put that down to her monotone voice, she must bore her victims into soporific submission).

    I think the problem is that it’s completely lacking any humour. Even the unintentional stuff just caused guffaws of embarrassment rather than belly laughs.

    Chaiken and co must have been so focused on casting the Shane and the Papi that they forgot about the Alice.

    If this crew of vacuous dullards are the real lesbians, I’ll take the fake but funny ones any day.

    • yeah, right about the time when we were seeing mikey go into work for the second time i said “what the hell is the point of this show?” i feel like there is no way for this show to get interesting because they do the same thing every day.

  14. I kept thinking “Stamie” was a typo because, really, what kinda name is that? But, clearly it’s not a typo because you did it repeatedly. I’m sure she’s lovely but I can only think of “stymie”.

    I feel like I need to start a counter-campaign so that people know that monogamous lesbian couples do not sit around giving each other pedicures at night. But, thanks to Nikki and Jill I feel like my life isn’t really so boring after all. Yay for perspective.

  15. You know what else I realized this week, while explaining the show to my friends who hadn’t seen it?

    None of the characters really interacted at all! We were watching like 5 separate shows happen at once with no overlap, except for when Whitney “met” Tracy, and don’t even get me started on that BS.

    At least on other reality shows (Gimme Sugar, Real Housewives, etc) the characters all interact and are “friends.” This is like 5 separate boring stories that you don’t care about, and are made even less significant by existing in a vacuum (at least, for now).

    • i’m not sure if i was there for this conversation (seriously, the days are all running together in my mind at this point) or if i had the same conversation but YEAH i agree.

      it’s like we’re watching the separate lives of a bunch of people who live in the same town. The idea of “the chart” was so central to OG L Word, and the chart for these ladies would be absolutley nothing, and I think a more interconnected chart is necessary – that’s part of what makes WeHo interesting, if barely so. Nobody is even friends or has friendship conflicts. There’s no romance we’re invested in or worried about — there should be more hooking up BETWEEN cast members, rather than bringing in all these externals. Nikki & Jill are clearly happy together, so that’s fine, and as far as the rest of them go I don’t really care.

      This is basically the only show ever where the people in it are not a group of friends, have no project to complete for the show, and have no plot or conflict. WAY TO GO ILENE, YOU ALWAYS BREAK BOUNDARIES OF TELEVISION DONTCHA

  16. Jeeeeeeeesus, I love this. I was utterly bemused by the first episode, notably the barefoot bar dancing, the ‘faux-randomness’ of the Crown Bar scene and Mikey in general, but merely accredited my confusion to a misunderstanding of America in general… I’m a backward New Zealander you see… thank you for highlighting the inherent absurdities littered throughout this shit-fest.

  17. This RECAP made my life. I used the Jillian Michaels-Jackie Warner line on my gf the other night after watching Losing It… it was glorious. The end.

    That line was probably my favorite part of the show right above Stamie’s boobs and the power of the clam.

  18. Laneia: “In my world, it’s like, “This little piggy goes to target.”
    Riese: “And this little piggy also went to Target.”
    Laneia: “And this little piggy stayed home and cried because it didn’t have any money.”
    ——–
    This is my life in a nutshell (clamshell?) and one of the main reasons why I don’t think I’d be able to live in LA.

  19. I cringed, I cried, I threw up in my hair. I’m so happy I live in NYC for fear of being caught in the background of some weirdo bathroom stall argument shot. Also… why not have some actual single ladies on the show? Nothing against GOOD relationships obvs, but srly not one of these ladies is actually single and therefore i’m so bored watching them hit the town.

  20. After reading the sad sad intro to this post I was going to say “Riese you do not have to put yourself through such misery for us! It’s okay!”

    And then I read the next three pages and, well, sorry team, you have to keep doing this Forever.

    (My girlfriend, selfless soul that she is, watched the first episode for both of us and reported that it was too boring even to finish.)

    (Also P.S. I put my bra on backwards too, is that weird?! Is everyone else just coordinated enough to do it frontwards with such ease?)

  21. I had to drink to get through this episode, so I forgot a large portion of it. After reading this recap (which was fabulous, by the way) I am freshly reminded of the horror I inflicted upon myself and I feel like I need another drink…or several.

  22. 1. This recap is perfect

    2. This recap’s perfection makes me want to watch the show (to be ‘in on it’,etc. and, primarily, to see Boom Guy’s situation as it happened)

    1+2= Mixed feelings about this recap

  23. Sincerely, thanks for recapping. The recap is the main feature without which I will not watch the show. I’ll tip after payday next week, am a tad broke just now. If you do continue to recap – I admire your strength and tenacity; also please throw in the ‘WTF’ pics of the Autostraddle crew as you watch the episode – I love those!

  24. I’d like to make a case for the two dress wedding – sometimes it can be seriously hot! It’s Pride Week on Offbeat Bride right now, and there are some super excellent two dress weddings on there. (And some excellent one dress, one suit, two girls weddings. And even an excellent two suit wedding!)

    Personally, I think it looks best when the brides are in different colored dresses (white dresses are for suckers IMO) but TELL ME THIS ISN’T AMAZING. Go on. I dare you. (PORTAL CAKE. UTENA CAKE TOPPER. CRAZY FREAKING DRESSES. OMG.)

    If my partner or I were to wear a suit at our wedding, it wouldn’t reflect who we are. Ellen and Portia are totally awesome, but we’re not Ellen and Portia, we’re Dina and Desiree, you know?

    • I totally agree with you! If I spent all my time trying to be Ellen and Portia instead of Cait and Tiffany our relationship would be suck.

      The only fundamental problem I have with the two dress wedding is that sometimes they look like they’re trying to outdo each other. Or like this one wedding I was invited to but couldn’t attend – oh lord. It was a butch/femme relationship, but the femme insisted that the butch wear a dress. The pictures made me cry inside, she looked so out of place.

      Just stick to what you’re comfortable with. Keep it classy.

      • Your comment about the butch/femme wedding is exactly the reverse of what I’m trying to avoid! 😉 Neither of us is particularly butch OR femme (just geek, I guess!), but when I suggested to Des that she wear pants (she rarely wears dresses) she responded with, “Why don’t YOU wear a suit?” Touche. 😀

        • Right, I got that. My girlfriend and I don’t particularly identify one way or another ourselves, but the point I was trying to make is that don’t try to fit a role that you’re not comfortable with or that you don’t want to. Some people do embrace that identify (as my butch friend did), and she got roped into something she wasn’t. Just be yourselves. If you want to wear a dress, wear a dress! Don’t be limited by a perceived identity. And by perceived, I mean perceived by others.

          Uh, tl;dr: Fuck other’s perceptions and do what you want to.

          My comment about the brides outdoing themselves was poorly phrased, and there’s a deeper context about another specific wedding I did attend there, but I guess I shouldn’t assume that people can read my mind. (Ended in a catfight. Not enough booze in the world at that reception.)

          • I got that you were agreeing with me there – I just wanted to elaborate. 🙂

            Hey, I’m sure I’ll piss off people by not wearing a veil and not carrying a bouquet and not marrying a dude. So I’ll wear what I want, dammit! 😉

            And, oof. Catfight at a wedding? CLASSY!

          • everything you say is totally correct & i agree with you — i made my boyfriend wear the same color as I did to our senior prom ’cause i thought it looked cuter that way. it’s got nothing to do with identity or politics, just like my personal style preferences. which are notably bad, btw. like srsly i can’t even tell you what i’m wearing right now. okay, sweatpants.

  25. This is why I proceed to read recaps even when I saw the show. AS is like having a friend who thinks the same things as you when viewing a show. My train of thought on the earrings:

    “Those are dope. But I hate when people exploit Native American culture. Like yeah, sure, let’s kill their people and then exploit them. But they’re dope. Would I be wrong for wanting them? My ancestors didn’t kill them. And isn’t she like hispanic, her name is like, pronounced, Sa-da, and all? So like, she can wear them if I can.”

    And so on.

    I also do think I hate that “straightest gay person” statement. Like, what are you even saying? I don’t know if I like her outlook right now.

    Also, Mikey, you dick within a dick, you’re girlfriend is only plus-sized by this contorted standard of beauty that isn’t any type of fucking realistic, unlike you’re terrible fucking hair and attitude which are v. unfortunately, real. She’s beautiful. Thanks.

  26. Oh my god, I was like in tears with this commentary, so funny! When I watched it I definitely LOL’d about the Magic Mountain story especially since when I was growing up in LA we weren’t allowed to wear certain colors there because of rampant gang activity at the park. I had no idea that it was such a romantic place!!

    Also I really think you guys should do a vlog of the show but with puppets. Like that time Carly made a puppet that looked like her. Could be pretty great, and really I just miss the old Hav & Riese vlogs.

  27. GASP! “Lesbian Squabble #1.” I never thought I’d see those words again! :SOB: :SOB: :SOB: Hold me. Shake me. Choke me. Wait, no. That’s not the way I liiiiive and loooooove.

  28. reason number 1 gazillion to keep loving Tracy: (as per your screen shot) She has a framed copy of Springsteen’s Born To Run hanging on her bedroom wall. Nuff said.

  29. This recap was on point. Far funnier than the show itself. I only wish there had been more said about the incredibly awkward attempt at the REAL L Word’s sexiness… The poorly-lit hookup and the obligatory romantic sunrise shots accompanied by “[awkward orgasm noise] I’m gonna come. You’re so good at this” needed to be more fully deconstructed. That shit was whack.

  30. At one point Rose mentions she came out at 19-20, and that it was “kind of late” and then Tracy says the same thing but at the age of 25 or whatever. What is the universal age for lesbians to come out? like 14? Gimme a break.

    • I’ve already decided everything Rose says is bullshit anyway. I don’t even think she’s hot soi don’t understand how Papi was based on her. Eww.

      I’m hoping in the next few episodes they’ll reveal that they know each other. I mean, they couldn’t find a group of queer people who are friends in LA?! I guess the problem is, anyone with a decent job or real sense would know better than be a part of an IC production.

      Off topic: I just want to defend LA. Though some people are vapid bitches, if you avoid them, LA can be amazing. So please remember any reflection on LA from this stupid show is a relection of Ilene Chaiken’s perspective of the city. And you know how she is …

  31. I’m already forming a love/hate relationship with the Real L Word. I really loved Tracy/Stamie, and Nikki/Jill. On the other hand, can Mikey please jog into a bullet?

    ALSO! Nikki’s comment about matchy-matchy dresses basically made me break out into hives. I’m recently engaged and have nooo idea what I want us to wear! If anyone has opinions on that I would love to hear them! (An autostraddle round table on lesbian weddings would be ah-mazing. Just putting that out there.)

  32. How did I not realize that Jenny’s boobs were actually featured in the L word intro?! I mean I know we’ve seen them plenty throughout the episodes, but I’m seriously ashamed that I didn’t realize this until this recap. Thanks for enlightening me, AS.

    Also, this recap rocks my world!

  33. Pingback: The Real L Word, Episode 1 | dichotomy

  34. I loved the write up! So much better than actually watching the show, which despite my hopes, was just boring.

    I’ll never watch another episode, except if Witney’s in it. Cause she’s hot. She’s a duache, and she’d totally disgust me if I was around her, but I still can’t stop thinking about getting her in bed….

    I’m twisted, I know.

  35. I guess that saying you are “the straightest gay person” when you are gay is like when black people are portrayted as if they were white
    I read about the way the roles of latinas ares played, and I think it’s another bad situation that minorities are put. They put a latina, a lesbian, a black person, but portrayted as a white “normal” person, that don’t ever face the difficulties that we have in real life, that don’t have particularities or differences from what is shown all the time.
    I mean, it’s good that the lesbians are not just portrayted as lonely, sad or crazy, but just take the guy from a heterosexual couple and put a girl in his place won’t make it a lesbian realationship in so many levels.
    In the other hand, this recap is hilarious. Think i’m gonna see some episodes just to enjoy the writing

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