Real L Word Recap: Episode 101 – The Power of the Clam is Overrated


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Part Eight: Nikki & Jill Use Laptop Computers, Wear Sweaters

Someone Has Really Good Battery Life

Jill & Nikki have a routine in the morning that involves making coffee and sitting at the table on their laptops, looking at wedding dresses.  L.A. lesbians — they’re just like any ol’ suburban Detroit engaged couple, and therefore just like straight people and therefore just like everyone!

However, they’re not like ALL people ’cause, as Nikki puts it, “our marriage is not legalized by the state of California,” but that’s not gonna stop her from dropping a pretty penny on it.

Regardless, it’s nice to hear this issue raised and addressed so squarely! I hope they have more of this next episode.

Jill: I think [not being able to get legally married] is a tremendous injustice. Not being able to get married by law, it makes me incensed. But I’m sure as hell gonna call it a marriage so that’s what it is to me.

They’re Probs Reading Rachel’s Prop 8 Trial Recap

Nikki doesn’t wanna wear a dress because that’s too matchy. I fully support this. I think it looks cuter if one person is in pants and one in a dress. You can totally yell at me, or you can look at how cute Ellen & Portia were, and then ask yourself, “Is this what I want in my life? Do I want to be Ellen & Portia, or do I want to be me and my “best friend” at prom ’96?” Right. Suck it. It’s just aesthetically pleasing.

Jill: You need to feel comfortable.
Nikki: And that’s why I’m looking up Dolce & Gababna and Gucci white suits —*
Jill: I just want you to keep an open mind.
Nikki: Look baby love — that’s sexy!
Jill: But is that wedding sexy?
Nikki: I’ll make it wedding-sexy! — I don’t wanna be like, we’re both in white dresses, and we’re like twins walking down the aisle. I’d like to complement one another.
Jill: If a suit is what you love then —
Nikki: I’m very self-conscious, I don’t wanna look like I have cleavage, like I have an ass on my chest!

*This wouldn’t make me feel comfortable because then I’d have overdrafted my bank account & maxed out my credit cards. That’s okay, right now Alex is making pictures of Clay Aiken acting out The Power of the Clam, Sarah is screencapping Jenny’s boobs, and Laneia just said, while searching for something in gmail she needs to find, “How could I have never have typed ‘Sarah’ and ‘boobs’ into an email with an attachment EVER?” — so if I’m going to be hungry and have a bad credit score, I can’t imagine a better way to do it.


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Part Nine: In Which The Real L Word is really good for about eight minutes straight.

Wake Up Filming Starts Today!

Tracy’s life is complicated now ’cause she’s in a relationship with Stamie, who has three kids and an ex-girlfriend, Julie, with whom Stamie shares joint custody.  Tracy says the relationship is “complicated” and I agree. So much so that I’d like to ask CAN Y’ALL JUST HAVE A SHOW? JUST HAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING SHOW? I LOVE YOU ALL, I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. Actually, I wish everyone was a character in a scripted show. Why reality TV? Why does this exist? Writers write really interesting stories! Also, Stamie & Tracy have a cute dog.

Essentially, Tracy is in a relationship with everyone I like in this show: Stamie, the dog, as well as Stamie & Julie’s three children: Jagger, Daughtry and Nikos.  So jealous on so many levels.

Julie comes by to drop off the kids and have awesome convos with Stamie.

Lesbian Squabble #3: I Just Want Someone to Yell TINNAAAAAAAAAAA
In the Ring: Stamie vs. Julie

How it Goes Down: Julie suggests that Stamie leaves her coffee cup in the car, like Stamie leaves all her crap in the car. Stamie counters that she’ll just drive the car to Julie’s and leave it in her drivewa,y like Stamie always does, and  leave it “trashy” like Stamie always does.
Who Wins? Stamie hands down! For, “I’m going to leave my book in there. In the trunk. Is that okay? Is there enough space in there?”

So far, Stamie is my favorite character.

Stamie on Joint Custody: You break up with someone, and you’re like, “Have a good life. Talk to you in a few years,” you know? But when you break up with kids, you’re like “Hey let’s talk tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day,” because you have children together.

“Those kids have an abacus?” – Carly

I wonder how Stamie & Julie worked out joint custody. Is it a legal arrangement? So many interesting questions with fascinating answers, but instead 95% of the episode is spent at Truck Stop. Anyhoo. Let’s get back to Julie and Stamie outside negotiating something involving cars & little people.

Julie: Who’s high heels were those?
Stamie: Those are my high heels.
Julie: They were not.
Stamie: I wear high heels. I learned how to walk. I took a grace class and an etiquette class. Look —
Julie: They’re a little scuffed up.
Stamie: They’re gonna be polished, that’s why they’re in the car, jackass.

Laneia:“They would fuck in a second.”
Everyone: “Yep.”

Quote of the Week Award Goes to Stamie:

Stamie: It’s fine, it’s fine. What am I gonna do, sit in my house and cry that my relationship didn’t work out, and I have to raise three kids? Bullshit! My life is too short and my boobs are too big to lock ’em up in the valley.

Love.


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Part Ten: You Can’t Smize Under Those Sunglasses, Can You Mikey

Mikey explains what fashion week is. Her goal is to create the best LA Fashion Week that they’ve ever seen. She hates all the models, because they come from a foreign planet where agencies send models on go-sees without comp cards or books. Seriously. Where is Kelly Cutrone?

Carly: You have to see my Mikey impression. It’s amazing.

This is How You Make a Girl Cum the First Time You Have Sex

Mikey yells at someone about something. I yell at the TV about how this is clearly staged because no model would get an agent, let alone be called in for LA FASHION WEEK, without a fucking COMP CARD. No one, however, is as upset as Tyra.

Mikiva the Diva

Mikey says this is going to be a “disaster” because there are only three weeks ’til fashion week, and they just spent the day playing out a staged scenario regarding a fake modeling agency and fake models for Ilene Chaiken’s dog-and-pony-show. Luckily, there are like, 5 billion models vying for spots at LA Fashion Week/any jobs at all, so don’t worry! I know you were worried but I’m telling you: don’t worry.

Sara M.: I have a ton of styling comments, you guys. Mikey can’t dress herself, that’s the primary takeaway.
Carly: Mikey looks like she’s crying under her really giant sunglasses.

NEWS FLASH

[UPDATED Thursday June 24th 3pm – we’d previously reported that there is no “LA Fashion Week” — it stopped in ’08 — but apparently there is, sorta,  and — well — read on]

Guess what y’all? We decided to do a little research ’cause for realz this does not make sense that any major Fashion Week (the ones ppl pay attention to are in New York City, Paris and I believe Milan?) would actually be hard up for models. Basically there was a sort of lose consortium of fashion weeky events starting in the 90’s in LA coordinated by journalists, designers and marketers. This eventually became Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, which ended in 2008,  ’cause apparently the clothes sucked, not enough celebrities came, and nobody had money anymore.

But still, in March and October, producers like GenArt and Simply Stylist hold fashion events and it’s referred to as LA Fashion Week, or Fashion Week LA, but it’s not at all like the industry-standard weeks held in Paris, London & New York City.

One of these things that happens, for example, is a little something called LA Fashion WeekEND.

Guess who invented it?

Mikey Koffman.

Guess when she invented it?

2010.

Uh huh.
Her.

Guess what would have been interesting, at least mildly? The story of Mikey inventing LA Fashion Weekend and why she decided to do it and what aspects she hopes to bring from the NYC fashion weeks, etc. But instead, we have this stupid show.


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Part Eleven: Whitney Explains Pumps & Pants

Cooking the Books Without Emily Gould

Whitney, like many of us (seriously THIS IS THE WAY THAT WE LIVE), lives with like 2-6 roommates, one of whom is an ex-girlfriend, and one of whom is a guy, or maybe a dog, or a friend, or a kitchen sink, or someone from Sara’s band or something. Of course Sara has a band.

And of course Whitney has some lingo:

Whitney: “There’s pumps, and there’s pants. Myself and Taylor: pants. Sara: pumps. Pumps are the feminine girls, touch up the makeup before they go out, wear high heels even though you know that shit hurts. Pants? Know how to swing a hammer. They’re usually the ones in control.”

I think I must be a pumps, ’cause right now the other lesbians are making dinner, and I am in here writing the recap. But I don’t wear pumps. Maybe that just makes me the idiot.

Here’s basically how it works:

Julia: “Wait, pants and pumps? That’s what we’re calling them these days?”
Everyone: “GROAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.”
Riese: “This is like bush confidence redux.”


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Part Twelve: Rose’s Casa es Su Casa, Unless You’re Rose’s Mom

Aw, now it’s time to meet Rose’s cute family when Rose goes to her grandmother’s house to talk about ladies. Rose’s grandmother gets a little bit of that breast-to-mouth action straight away.

Really Though Can You Blame Her

Carly: This whole family is really touchy-feely.
Sarah M: Her aunt looks like Frida Kahlo.

Rose says there’s a huge “family feud” happening. Not the kind of Family Fued where you get to guess Things You Buy at the Beach while a washed up gameshow host faux-emotes nonsense at you, but the kind where Rose can’t come over when her Mom is around.

A Good Female is Hard to Find

Uncle Ray: “Once you have a good female, how you cater toward her is different. You cater to her. You don’t fuck around with your friends, you know what I’m saying… the thing I like about Natalie, she’s very family oriented.”

Rose drops that she has a restraining order against her ex-girlfriend, Angel, which I have 500 questions about. Instead let’s talk about Natalie and how Rose’s whole family wants them to be together. Natalie confirms this.

Uncle Ray has a lot of sage old advice, he’s like The Oracle of The Real L Word. I hope next week he tells Mikey to stick her head in a vacuum cleaner.

Uncle Ray: You’re in this world here for a little time. Make the best of it.
Natalie: Make a baby!
Rose: What?

While Rose probably debates which window in the house is best to jump out of, Natalie says she’d want their sperm donor to have “nice hair, good skin, not very many health issues and family history.” Proactiv is expensive so I’m glad she’s paying attention to skin quality, v.important in a child. I want my baby daddy to be just like Tila Tequila’s — the army man hip-hop artist etc. etc. Uncle Ray asks if she wants to be Octomom, which is the best idea I’ve heard since Octomom.

It’s Just Like My Relationship With Rufus the Bear

Uncle Ray seems to have a serious relationship with this white stuffed bear I won at the Ohio State Fair in the ’90s, which is probs how he understands Rose’s homogayness.


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Part Thirteen: But Mikey is Hungry NOW

BAKE ME A PIE WOMAN

Mikey is starving to death and cannot shove some Doritos down her piehole until Raquel comes home and prepares something best served on Pearl’s River Mart dishes on a bamboo placemat. Mikey thinks her skills are best employed by watching her girlfriend chop food.

Laneia: “If someone came in and said, ‘Where’s dinner,’ I would walk the fuck out.”
Riese: “I’d just make dinner.”


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Part Fourteen: Lesbians on Fiar

Whitney and her friends are having a fake conversation in the backyard bonfire about how Whitney has the power of the clam.

The Best part About This Scene is the Dog, and the Not-Skinny-Girl Visibility For a Change

The Power of the Clam is a magical power actually that Whitney has – that’s how she seduces ladies. I just want to make a really special announcement: PEOPLE DON’T ACTUALLY TALK LIKE THIS unless it’s with irony. All these “catchphrases”? Yeah, we use ’em now, AS JOKES. Thanks, Ilene.

Star Wars 69: The Power of the Clam

Riese: “Nipple confidence REDUX.”
Everyone: “GROANNNNN SHRIEK GAGGGG”

Hark! What’s that? Whitney’s roommate/friend/ex/hookup/earthmother/whatever announces that she has something profound to say to Whitney about her womanizing ways (false alarm: not profound):

Whitney’s Friend: “You date girls that are looking for relationships, you don’t date girls that are looking for a good time.”
Whitney: “What lesbian is looking for a good time? Tell me where she is.”
Whitney’s Friend: “You.”

This is probs very exciting to Whitney because you imagine that there is almost no one she’d want to make out with more than herself, like Megan Fox.

The Real Lesbian Dolls

The outside group also uses this opportunity to explain how lesbian relationships move really quickly, so that the straight men and bored teeangers watching this show will understand that very important concept.


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What a Girl Wants, What a Girl Needs

Mikey’s already had a couple of cocktails. Just like your mother warned you, cocktails turn girls into irritating lesbians who want a 12-inch cock and their hand up their girlfriend’s skirt.

Sara M.: “Oh my god.”
Robin: “That is disgusting”
Carly:“Is she wearing a kimono?”

The Biggest Loser Still is Probs Me For Watching

Mikey is ready to pop and lock it with her 12-inch dick, and lures Raquel into the bedroom like so:

Mikey: “C’mon let’s go to bed, you can be Jillian Michaels, and I’ll be Jackie Warner.”

The duo joust in bed, and Raquel yells “What is your weight loss goal? What is it?” It’s actually quite hilarious and awesome.

Jess: “Wait, that was funny.”
Riese: “That was funny.”
Laneia & Julia: “Wait what WHAT?”
Jess: “She said “you be Jillian Michaels, and I’ll be Jackie Warner.”
Riese: “That’s the only good thing that’s happened.”
Laneia: “That’s the title of this post.”
Riese:“You be Jillian Michaels, and I’ll be Jackie Warner, and we’ll beat each other up until we both die.”

You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess, it’s a love story baby just say yes

Raquel says her story with Mikey is like the Romeo & Juliet story, which she seems to understand about as much as Taylor Swift does. On a scale of one to ten, I’d best liken this to the relationship between Ryan Reynolds & Sandra Bullock in The Proposal.

In Raquel’s special illustrated version of Romeo & Juliet, Romeo and Juliet “wake up, reconnect, and live their lives somewhere.”

Riese: “If I was her girlfriend, I would wake up and hit her in the face.”


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Part Fifteen: The Wedding Planners

And This is What I Do Once I Get All The Way Up Inside Her Uterus

Nikki & Jill meet with the wedding planner to talk about private estates, grand halls, and weddings. Nikki doesn’t even know where to begin with it. I’d begin with repealing Prop 8, and I’m pretty sure they would, too, but in the meantime because they’re both Jewish, they’d like to find a lovely Rabbi.

Riese: “A wonderful rabbi? That’s how Jewish they are — they have to find a wonderful rabbi — they don’t know one?”
Laneia: “A WONDERFUL rabbi!”

Nikki wants to spend more on the wedding than Jill because she’s been working hard all her life since she was 21 and moved here with $500 in her pocket and big dreams.


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Part Sixteen: All the Lesbians Go to Crown Bar

We are treated to a series of pre-going out confessionals regarding their plans for the evening, because if there’s one thing Ilene likes to do, it’s SET THE SCENE.

Here’s one scene we very much enjoy setting:

Carly: “Is this show just tracy in her underwear?”
Robin: “I’d rather just watch that.”
Sara M.: “That little shot of her right there is the highlight of the whole thing.”
Sarah C.: “These people are despicable human beings.”

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Lipstick Lesbians Are Just Like This

Laneia: “Oh! Kisses! Lipstick kisses!
Julia: “That’s how we put our lipstick on.”

OMG you guys you will NEVER GUESS how small the lesbian community is, it’s like EVERYONE IS LIKE going to like CROWN BAR, and omg, I hope that Rose doesn’t forget she has a girlfriend, I am SOOOO glad that Natalie just reminded her, and then omg, guess what, Whitney’s going to Crown Bar too! OMG AND TRACEY OMG OMG.

Sarah C.: “If this is what LA is like, I’m not fuckin’ going.”


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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2656 articles for us.

118 Comments

  1. I heart you guys. Reading this recap is very possibly the first time I’ve laughed all week. #powerofthefuckyouilenechaiken.

    I’m so in need of much fun and females and kissing and this weekend in Chicago 🙂

  2. Excellent recap, I think. I didn’t actually watch the show but this sounds right.

    I just realized that Whitney looks a bit like Janis Hawk from Flashforward (does anyone else see this?). Maybe that’s why I want to like her, in spite of all the catchphrase crap. In my mind, Whitney is a hot girl with dreads/tattoos that might also be a cool/kickass FBI agent. That would be a good reality show.

  3. “Actually for real, we always thought the girls who stood at the front of the bar at Truck Stop, screaming and putting dollar bills in the dancers’ underpants, were tourists.”

    Or umm, drunk. *hiding photographic evidence*

  4. “I’ve just been briefed on Laguna Beach.” That’s the quote of my week! From now on I’m gonna pretend I don’t watch certain shows and say I’ve been “Briefed” on them.

  5. i don’t understand how it was the first time tracy and whitney met at crownbar. that was dumb.

    also this show is dumb.

    all i want to say is that stamie and tracy are amazing and I HATE EVERYONE ELSE

  6. This recap is so f*cking good. Seriously so much entertaining than this show.

    As an LA lesbian, I feel that this show is so bad because most of the “scene” is so like this. Then I look at some of these girls (cough Whitney) and wonder how they can get so much pussy because they aren’t attractive.

    Best part of the show are Tracy and Stamie.

    Whitney makes me want to throw up in my mouth a lot.

    • Agreed! The scene is generally obnoxious, which is why I generally avoid it. Also, after watching Rose LITERALLY shove my girlfriend out of her way at the bar during Pride (I resisted the urge to kick her ass because I feared a bastion of hidden cameras…did not know the show had stopped filming) I decided that I was in no way going to renew my Showtime subscription. Or spend time in WeHo. I much prefer the beach cities (SaMo and Venice have normal lesbians, just saying!) Thank you Riese, for your stellar recaps, and I would just like to second the fact that we’re not all a bunch of whiny, stuck-up crazies like IC’s circle. The end.

  7. this show was embarrassing to watch but i made it through just for this recap.

    i was thinking that mikey was looking very bon jovi today but laneia’s rod stewart is dead on.

    i kept pointing out how cute rose’s friend who was yelling about diapers and staying out and forced someone else to pause and rewind so i could look at her again. then you go and blow up my spot and call her justin bieber. apparently i have a type after all.

  8. Hands down THE best recap of this show, and unfortunately, I’ve read many of them because I do not have Showtime…..although I now stand by my decision to not order it.

    Thank y’all for enduring this and then entertaining us!

    Also, I have had tears rolling down my face from this and the illustration:

    Sara: I said I wasn’t into it, not that I wasn’t into YOU. I’m into you 100%. There’s no like percentage left out of that. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with the situation at hand.

  9. Ya know what? I’m gonna make it my mission to watch this show every week as long as Riese is doing recaps. If you are going to write these long, thought out and FUNNY recaps I will at least try and choke down an eppy.

    This all kinda reminds me of required reading in AP English. I would try and read the books with complete disregard to the character description and instead insert characters from TV shows I watched (mainly Buffy and Star Trek). That resulted in cool situations like Warf becoming a socialist (in The Jungle) after his wife

    Other than Tracy I kinda like Nikki and Jill because they are just so obnoxious with each other. They remind me of the husband and wife from “Best in Show” that had the weimaraner and bought all of their clothing out of Lands End catalogues. Hopefully they don’t snap and start to freak out over bumblebee shaped dog toys. Actually that would rock. The blond one has crazy eye going on so fingers crossed!

    They also kinda remind me of most of my friends in relationships x_x…

  10. Things the Real L Word makes me not want to do:
    1. Move to LA
    2. Turn 21
    3. Have any lesbian friends. Ever.
    4. Talk to girls. Ever.

    I could obvs go on forever..
    5. Hook up with Rose (how does this girl get so many girls? She’s terrible)
    6. Have anything to do with the LA fashion scene (that is one trashy place)
    7. Marry Corpse Bride

  11. Am I the only one who wants to throw Whitney into a bathtub and scrub her hair clean and then apply mange cream to her scalp? I’ve seen hot dreads. Hot dreads are hot. These are abused dog dreads. Abused dog dreads are not hot, they are sad and pathetic and make you wanna go abuse whoever made the dog abuse dreads happen.

  12. I hope you got your paypal donations. This recap was funny.

    I think “Christ almighty” in the title is one of my fav parts.

    I think instead of actually watching the show I am going to spend my time reading your recaps and practicing putting my bra on the non-backwards way. I didn’t even know there was another way. This website has taught me so much.

  13. So, got around to watching this last night, trying my hardest to keep an open mind.

    I was surprised, because despite all the things I expected it to be, it managed to be something entirely unanticipated:

    dull

    Like, really, really boring. Probably the slew of promos and publicity killed it because there wasn’t any material in there that hadn’t been rammed down our throats harder than a 12″ schlong already.

    The Stamie/Julie thing was the only bit of decent entertainment, after that I stopped paying attention and spent the remainder trying to work out who Mikey’s mullet reminded me of, and how Whitney managed to get girls into bed (I put that down to her monotone voice, she must bore her victims into soporific submission).

    I think the problem is that it’s completely lacking any humour. Even the unintentional stuff just caused guffaws of embarrassment rather than belly laughs.

    Chaiken and co must have been so focused on casting the Shane and the Papi that they forgot about the Alice.

    If this crew of vacuous dullards are the real lesbians, I’ll take the fake but funny ones any day.

    • yeah, right about the time when we were seeing mikey go into work for the second time i said “what the hell is the point of this show?” i feel like there is no way for this show to get interesting because they do the same thing every day.

  14. I kept thinking “Stamie” was a typo because, really, what kinda name is that? But, clearly it’s not a typo because you did it repeatedly. I’m sure she’s lovely but I can only think of “stymie”.

    I feel like I need to start a counter-campaign so that people know that monogamous lesbian couples do not sit around giving each other pedicures at night. But, thanks to Nikki and Jill I feel like my life isn’t really so boring after all. Yay for perspective.

  15. You know what else I realized this week, while explaining the show to my friends who hadn’t seen it?

    None of the characters really interacted at all! We were watching like 5 separate shows happen at once with no overlap, except for when Whitney “met” Tracy, and don’t even get me started on that BS.

    At least on other reality shows (Gimme Sugar, Real Housewives, etc) the characters all interact and are “friends.” This is like 5 separate boring stories that you don’t care about, and are made even less significant by existing in a vacuum (at least, for now).

    • i’m not sure if i was there for this conversation (seriously, the days are all running together in my mind at this point) or if i had the same conversation but YEAH i agree.

      it’s like we’re watching the separate lives of a bunch of people who live in the same town. The idea of “the chart” was so central to OG L Word, and the chart for these ladies would be absolutley nothing, and I think a more interconnected chart is necessary – that’s part of what makes WeHo interesting, if barely so. Nobody is even friends or has friendship conflicts. There’s no romance we’re invested in or worried about — there should be more hooking up BETWEEN cast members, rather than bringing in all these externals. Nikki & Jill are clearly happy together, so that’s fine, and as far as the rest of them go I don’t really care.

      This is basically the only show ever where the people in it are not a group of friends, have no project to complete for the show, and have no plot or conflict. WAY TO GO ILENE, YOU ALWAYS BREAK BOUNDARIES OF TELEVISION DONTCHA

  16. Jeeeeeeeesus, I love this. I was utterly bemused by the first episode, notably the barefoot bar dancing, the ‘faux-randomness’ of the Crown Bar scene and Mikey in general, but merely accredited my confusion to a misunderstanding of America in general… I’m a backward New Zealander you see… thank you for highlighting the inherent absurdities littered throughout this shit-fest.

  17. This RECAP made my life. I used the Jillian Michaels-Jackie Warner line on my gf the other night after watching Losing It… it was glorious. The end.

    That line was probably my favorite part of the show right above Stamie’s boobs and the power of the clam.

  18. Laneia: “In my world, it’s like, “This little piggy goes to target.”
    Riese: “And this little piggy also went to Target.”
    Laneia: “And this little piggy stayed home and cried because it didn’t have any money.”
    ——–
    This is my life in a nutshell (clamshell?) and one of the main reasons why I don’t think I’d be able to live in LA.

  19. I cringed, I cried, I threw up in my hair. I’m so happy I live in NYC for fear of being caught in the background of some weirdo bathroom stall argument shot. Also… why not have some actual single ladies on the show? Nothing against GOOD relationships obvs, but srly not one of these ladies is actually single and therefore i’m so bored watching them hit the town.

  20. After reading the sad sad intro to this post I was going to say “Riese you do not have to put yourself through such misery for us! It’s okay!”

    And then I read the next three pages and, well, sorry team, you have to keep doing this Forever.

    (My girlfriend, selfless soul that she is, watched the first episode for both of us and reported that it was too boring even to finish.)

    (Also P.S. I put my bra on backwards too, is that weird?! Is everyone else just coordinated enough to do it frontwards with such ease?)

  21. I had to drink to get through this episode, so I forgot a large portion of it. After reading this recap (which was fabulous, by the way) I am freshly reminded of the horror I inflicted upon myself and I feel like I need another drink…or several.

  22. 1. This recap is perfect

    2. This recap’s perfection makes me want to watch the show (to be ‘in on it’,etc. and, primarily, to see Boom Guy’s situation as it happened)

    1+2= Mixed feelings about this recap

  23. Sincerely, thanks for recapping. The recap is the main feature without which I will not watch the show. I’ll tip after payday next week, am a tad broke just now. If you do continue to recap – I admire your strength and tenacity; also please throw in the ‘WTF’ pics of the Autostraddle crew as you watch the episode – I love those!

  24. I’d like to make a case for the two dress wedding – sometimes it can be seriously hot! It’s Pride Week on Offbeat Bride right now, and there are some super excellent two dress weddings on there. (And some excellent one dress, one suit, two girls weddings. And even an excellent two suit wedding!)

    Personally, I think it looks best when the brides are in different colored dresses (white dresses are for suckers IMO) but TELL ME THIS ISN’T AMAZING. Go on. I dare you. (PORTAL CAKE. UTENA CAKE TOPPER. CRAZY FREAKING DRESSES. OMG.)

    If my partner or I were to wear a suit at our wedding, it wouldn’t reflect who we are. Ellen and Portia are totally awesome, but we’re not Ellen and Portia, we’re Dina and Desiree, you know?

    • I totally agree with you! If I spent all my time trying to be Ellen and Portia instead of Cait and Tiffany our relationship would be suck.

      The only fundamental problem I have with the two dress wedding is that sometimes they look like they’re trying to outdo each other. Or like this one wedding I was invited to but couldn’t attend – oh lord. It was a butch/femme relationship, but the femme insisted that the butch wear a dress. The pictures made me cry inside, she looked so out of place.

      Just stick to what you’re comfortable with. Keep it classy.

      • Your comment about the butch/femme wedding is exactly the reverse of what I’m trying to avoid! 😉 Neither of us is particularly butch OR femme (just geek, I guess!), but when I suggested to Des that she wear pants (she rarely wears dresses) she responded with, “Why don’t YOU wear a suit?” Touche. 😀

        • Right, I got that. My girlfriend and I don’t particularly identify one way or another ourselves, but the point I was trying to make is that don’t try to fit a role that you’re not comfortable with or that you don’t want to. Some people do embrace that identify (as my butch friend did), and she got roped into something she wasn’t. Just be yourselves. If you want to wear a dress, wear a dress! Don’t be limited by a perceived identity. And by perceived, I mean perceived by others.

          Uh, tl;dr: Fuck other’s perceptions and do what you want to.

          My comment about the brides outdoing themselves was poorly phrased, and there’s a deeper context about another specific wedding I did attend there, but I guess I shouldn’t assume that people can read my mind. (Ended in a catfight. Not enough booze in the world at that reception.)

          • I got that you were agreeing with me there – I just wanted to elaborate. 🙂

            Hey, I’m sure I’ll piss off people by not wearing a veil and not carrying a bouquet and not marrying a dude. So I’ll wear what I want, dammit! 😉

            And, oof. Catfight at a wedding? CLASSY!

          • everything you say is totally correct & i agree with you — i made my boyfriend wear the same color as I did to our senior prom ’cause i thought it looked cuter that way. it’s got nothing to do with identity or politics, just like my personal style preferences. which are notably bad, btw. like srsly i can’t even tell you what i’m wearing right now. okay, sweatpants.

  25. This is why I proceed to read recaps even when I saw the show. AS is like having a friend who thinks the same things as you when viewing a show. My train of thought on the earrings:

    “Those are dope. But I hate when people exploit Native American culture. Like yeah, sure, let’s kill their people and then exploit them. But they’re dope. Would I be wrong for wanting them? My ancestors didn’t kill them. And isn’t she like hispanic, her name is like, pronounced, Sa-da, and all? So like, she can wear them if I can.”

    And so on.

    I also do think I hate that “straightest gay person” statement. Like, what are you even saying? I don’t know if I like her outlook right now.

    Also, Mikey, you dick within a dick, you’re girlfriend is only plus-sized by this contorted standard of beauty that isn’t any type of fucking realistic, unlike you’re terrible fucking hair and attitude which are v. unfortunately, real. She’s beautiful. Thanks.

  26. Oh my god, I was like in tears with this commentary, so funny! When I watched it I definitely LOL’d about the Magic Mountain story especially since when I was growing up in LA we weren’t allowed to wear certain colors there because of rampant gang activity at the park. I had no idea that it was such a romantic place!!

    Also I really think you guys should do a vlog of the show but with puppets. Like that time Carly made a puppet that looked like her. Could be pretty great, and really I just miss the old Hav & Riese vlogs.

  27. GASP! “Lesbian Squabble #1.” I never thought I’d see those words again! :SOB: :SOB: :SOB: Hold me. Shake me. Choke me. Wait, no. That’s not the way I liiiiive and loooooove.

  28. reason number 1 gazillion to keep loving Tracy: (as per your screen shot) She has a framed copy of Springsteen’s Born To Run hanging on her bedroom wall. Nuff said.

  29. This recap was on point. Far funnier than the show itself. I only wish there had been more said about the incredibly awkward attempt at the REAL L Word’s sexiness… The poorly-lit hookup and the obligatory romantic sunrise shots accompanied by “[awkward orgasm noise] I’m gonna come. You’re so good at this” needed to be more fully deconstructed. That shit was whack.

  30. At one point Rose mentions she came out at 19-20, and that it was “kind of late” and then Tracy says the same thing but at the age of 25 or whatever. What is the universal age for lesbians to come out? like 14? Gimme a break.

    • I’ve already decided everything Rose says is bullshit anyway. I don’t even think she’s hot soi don’t understand how Papi was based on her. Eww.

      I’m hoping in the next few episodes they’ll reveal that they know each other. I mean, they couldn’t find a group of queer people who are friends in LA?! I guess the problem is, anyone with a decent job or real sense would know better than be a part of an IC production.

      Off topic: I just want to defend LA. Though some people are vapid bitches, if you avoid them, LA can be amazing. So please remember any reflection on LA from this stupid show is a relection of Ilene Chaiken’s perspective of the city. And you know how she is …

  31. I’m already forming a love/hate relationship with the Real L Word. I really loved Tracy/Stamie, and Nikki/Jill. On the other hand, can Mikey please jog into a bullet?

    ALSO! Nikki’s comment about matchy-matchy dresses basically made me break out into hives. I’m recently engaged and have nooo idea what I want us to wear! If anyone has opinions on that I would love to hear them! (An autostraddle round table on lesbian weddings would be ah-mazing. Just putting that out there.)

  32. How did I not realize that Jenny’s boobs were actually featured in the L word intro?! I mean I know we’ve seen them plenty throughout the episodes, but I’m seriously ashamed that I didn’t realize this until this recap. Thanks for enlightening me, AS.

    Also, this recap rocks my world!

  33. Pingback: The Real L Word, Episode 1 | dichotomy

  34. I loved the write up! So much better than actually watching the show, which despite my hopes, was just boring.

    I’ll never watch another episode, except if Witney’s in it. Cause she’s hot. She’s a duache, and she’d totally disgust me if I was around her, but I still can’t stop thinking about getting her in bed….

    I’m twisted, I know.

  35. I guess that saying you are “the straightest gay person” when you are gay is like when black people are portrayted as if they were white
    I read about the way the roles of latinas ares played, and I think it’s another bad situation that minorities are put. They put a latina, a lesbian, a black person, but portrayted as a white “normal” person, that don’t ever face the difficulties that we have in real life, that don’t have particularities or differences from what is shown all the time.
    I mean, it’s good that the lesbians are not just portrayted as lonely, sad or crazy, but just take the guy from a heterosexual couple and put a girl in his place won’t make it a lesbian realationship in so many levels.
    In the other hand, this recap is hilarious. Think i’m gonna see some episodes just to enjoy the writing

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