Real L Word Recap: Episode 101 – The Power of the Clam is Overrated

NOW WE’RE AT CROWN BAR YAY!

Whitney wants to go meet that hot girl over there at the bar. You know, Tracy. What did she notice first about Tracy? Her lean physique? Her flowing brown hair? THE CAMERA CREW FOLLOWING HER AROUND THE BAR?

Sometimes You Can Feel the Wind Blow in a Handshake

Riese: “So Whitney sees another girl at the bar with a camera in her face, and she just goes over and says, “I think we did a photoshoot together for the cast of this show!”
Carly: “Hey, my crew knows your crew, fancy that!”

Whitney & Tracy share a poorly edited conversation about where they live and something about tying up a string/sexswing between their two homes to communicate, just in case you know, someone gets voted off the island, and they never meet again.

Let’s see what’s happening with Girls Girls Girls.

Lesbian Squabble #4: My Fist’s So Weak If I could Lift Your Body
In the Ring: Natalie vs. Rose
How it Goes Down: Natalie is upset that Rose picked another girl up. Literally. Yes, this confused us too. Literally Rose lifted another girl into the air, and Natalie doesn’t like it. Rose says that it’s hard to be with girl after girl after girl and then just suddenly be with only ONE REALLY HOT GIRL.
Who Wins? Rose says it wouldn’t be okay with her for Natalie to give another girl a piggyback ride either, so I guess that means Natalie wins.

Meanwhile on the other side of the bar, Whitney calls Tracy over to where she’s sitting with Sara and Scarlett. Whitney calls Tracy “baby girl,” and Tracy asks if Whitney is there with Sara (or if they are girlfriends), and Whitney is vague about it. This upsets Sara, but not nearly as much as the whole set-up upsets us.

You know what’s amazing though? When Tracy (and her camera crew) saunter over to where Whitney’s hanging out, you can see Whitney’s boom guy on a nearby bench jetting for it.

Tracy joins Whitney, Sara and Scarlet and strikes up a fascinating conversation.

Whitney: Are you a smoker?
Tracy: I’m not.
Whitney: I quit smoking for two years.
Tracy: You did? I quit coffee for two years.
Whitney: You did?
Tracy: But that didn’t last.
Whitney: I love coffee. So you’re onto coffee.
Tracy: Yeah that’s my vice.
Whitney: So good, we should go get coffee, and I won’t smoke a cigarette during it.
Tracy: Alright.

I can’t believe that the producers created this entire scenario but nobody can come up with a better thing for Tracy and Whitney to have in common besides “liking coffee.” Well, that’s the Ilene Chaiken magic, ain’t it?

Probs I’d Prefer for Sara & Whitney to take it outside so I Could Be Alone with Scarlett and Tracy Who I Like a Lot Better

After Whitney & Tracy schedule their super exciting upcoming coffee date (the lamest kinds of dates ever), Sara is understandably upset. So she heads to the bathroom to do heroin. JK. That would be way too interesting.

The camera people loom outside the bathroom, checking for monsters under the bed.

Since We’re In Here Anyway Can I Pee or Would That Be Weird

Robin: “OH MY GOD THEY’RE GONNA HAVE AN ARGUMENT IN THE BATHROOM STAAAALL!”
Sarah C: “That’s not what you do in the bathroom stall, ladies.”

+

So they take it outside…

Lesbian Squabble #5: This is It
In the Ring: Whitney vs. Sara
How it Goes Down: Sara flew all the way to Los Angeles to hang out with Whitney, and then Whitney’s tattoo crawled up Whitney’s arm and ate Sara’s face off, giving Sara scabies, rabies, and mumps. Then Whitney talked to another girl being followed around by a camera who doesn’t seem like she really wants to be on camera, which makes Sara jealous, ’cause she did not fly all the way here and put on those cute white pants just to be ignored.

Riese: “Why are they fighting?”
Laneia: “It’s that fucking Edward Cullen collar she’s rocking.”
Julia: “It’s very Edward Cullen.”
Riese: “Is that a Twilight reference?”
Laneia: “Look at her! She’s like, dying to bite her right now.”
Julia: “That would make this so much more entertaining. Let’s just combine Twilight and The Real L Word!”
Laneia: “Oh my god! And they would actually eat them! But not like on Buffy,where things are funny afterwards.”
Riese: “It would be like, “I like girls, and sometimes I have to kill them.”

The fight is basically bad improv, but let’s continue.

Sara: I said I wasn’t into it, not that I wasn’t into YOU. I’m into you 100%. There’s no like percentage left out of that. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with the situation at hand.

[ILLUSTRATED]:


Whitney: What situation?
Sara: Like I’m holding you back!
Whitney: What are you holding me back from?
Sara: I don’t fucking know! I just don’t want you (??!) and that makes me feel uneasy.
Whitney: That is not my fucking type, and regardless of any type I have, I’m telling you that I like you. So if you don’t —
Sara: Come here to me, okay?
Whitney: If I could just read your mind and just know. You don’t need to read my mind because I’m telling you what’s going on.

Then Whitney says something generic about putting up walls, not wanting to be vulnerable, and the fear of getting hurt, which we already learned on A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila so OLD NEWS!

Who Wins: I bet this was good publicity for Crown Bar.

Laneia: “WHY IS THIS SO TERRIBLE?! BLAALALALHAGHHLALALAAAGH! Like, no one has
a bike shop to go to?”
Riese: “Wait, a bike shop?”
Laneia:“Yeah, a bike shop would be more interesting than this.”
Julia: “But what made you think of a bike shop?!”

P+

Part Fifteen: All the Lesbians Go Home And Have Sexytime

Lesbian Sexy Moment #1: Sponsored by Enya or EZ Girl
The Players: Whitney & Sara, Rose & Natalie
The Pick-Up: Probably something unbearably cheesy/dramatic.

Hot or Not? Is there anything hotter than a series of watered-down push slides, followed by a shot of foliage climbing a wall with breathy voiceovers emoting “you are so fucking sexy,” “you’re really good at this,” “you made me cum”?

Yes. A Burger King Commercial.

+

Whitney says that last night’s fingerblasting session with Sara wasn’t just sex; it was more than that. Now it’s a bad soft-core love scene that can be available and replayed on the internet forever and ever.

Keep Me Warm While I’m Still Here

Because Sara’s leaving for San Francisco today, Whitney is going to stay in bed and protest. Like John Lennon & Yoko Ono did to promote world peace, except all she’s prolonging is um, the running time of the show.

Instead of promoting World Peace, they’re promoting the love they may or may not feel for one another, which may or may not matter, JK, it won’t.

Julia: “Wait, she puts her bra on backwards??”
Riese: “Yeah.”
Julia: “Do people do that?”
Riese: “Yes!”

Before we wrap up this compelling piece of musical theater, we get one more tidbit from Whitney the Wise.

Whitney: “Lust is easy for me, love is hard. Lust is exciting. Love is scary.”

Thanks Whitney, I’m sure Kate Gosselin and Lauren Conrad would agree with you there.

.+

Whitney then takes Sara to the airport while talking nonsense about love.

Then Whitney drives around and picks up another girl, which is sort of amazing.

Similar Features, But Longer Hair

For the first time in the whole show, I’m very impressed with Whitney that she was able to coordinate drop-off and pick-up times so well. I mean seriously. It’s almost like something that you can’t imagine actually happening in real life. You know what that is!

+

At the end, I missed characters I believed in — however briefly. I want to see one human soul. By the end of The L Word’s premiere I was ready to cut my heart open and prepare it for TINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Suzanna: “Are you saying that the L word was more real than the Real L Word?”
Riese: “Yes!”
Suzanna: “If this were real, they’d all be saying, “I miss Shane.”

The scenes from the rest of the season frighten me, much like the scenes from The Real World’s second New Orleans cast which I saw last week and from which I have barely recovered.

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3184 articles for us.

118 Comments

  2. What did I just witness in this recap?

    Epic win, epic win…with a soda on the siiiiide!

    :D

  3. I heart you guys. Reading this recap is very possibly the first time I’ve laughed all week. #powerofthefuckyouilenechaiken.

    I’m so in need of much fun and females and kissing and this weekend in Chicago :)

  4. reading this makes me hate everyone in the world who isn’t riese. also, i totes put my bra on backwards. just saying.

  5. Okay so I just watched the first ten minutes and I was hoping that the whole “keepin’ it real @ H&M” comment was a joke, but it really isn’t. Um, wow.

  6. So… which character(s) do you think Ilene Chaiken will kill off to make the show more dramatic?

  7. Excellent recap, I think. I didn’t actually watch the show but this sounds right.

    I just realized that Whitney looks a bit like Janis Hawk from Flashforward (does anyone else see this?). Maybe that’s why I want to like her, in spite of all the catchphrase crap. In my mind, Whitney is a hot girl with dreads/tattoos that might also be a cool/kickass FBI agent. That would be a good reality show.

  8. “Actually for real, we always thought the girls who stood at the front of the bar at Truck Stop, screaming and putting dollar bills in the dancers’ underpants, were tourists.”

    Or umm, drunk. *hiding photographic evidence*

  11. “I’ve just been briefed on Laguna Beach.” That’s the quote of my week! From now on I’m gonna pretend I don’t watch certain shows and say I’ve been “Briefed” on them.

  12. i don’t understand how it was the first time tracy and whitney met at crownbar. that was dumb.

    also this show is dumb.

    all i want to say is that stamie and tracy are amazing and I HATE EVERYONE ELSE

  14. This recap is so f*cking good. Seriously so much entertaining than this show.

    As an LA lesbian, I feel that this show is so bad because most of the “scene” is so like this. Then I look at some of these girls (cough Whitney) and wonder how they can get so much pussy because they aren’t attractive.

    Best part of the show are Tracy and Stamie.

    Whitney makes me want to throw up in my mouth a lot.

    • Agreed! The scene is generally obnoxious, which is why I generally avoid it. Also, after watching Rose LITERALLY shove my girlfriend out of her way at the bar during Pride (I resisted the urge to kick her ass because I feared a bastion of hidden cameras…did not know the show had stopped filming) I decided that I was in no way going to renew my Showtime subscription. Or spend time in WeHo. I much prefer the beach cities (SaMo and Venice have normal lesbians, just saying!) Thank you Riese, for your stellar recaps, and I would just like to second the fact that we’re not all a bunch of whiny, stuck-up crazies like IC’s circle. The end.

  15. this show was embarrassing to watch but i made it through just for this recap.

    i was thinking that mikey was looking very bon jovi today but laneia’s rod stewart is dead on.

    i kept pointing out how cute rose’s friend who was yelling about diapers and staying out and forced someone else to pause and rewind so i could look at her again. then you go and blow up my spot and call her justin bieber. apparently i have a type after all.

  16. Hands down THE best recap of this show, and unfortunately, I’ve read many of them because I do not have Showtime…..although I now stand by my decision to not order it.

    Thank y’all for enduring this and then entertaining us!

    Also, I have had tears rolling down my face from this and the illustration:

    Sara: I said I wasn’t into it, not that I wasn’t into YOU. I’m into you 100%. There’s no like percentage left out of that. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with the situation at hand.

  17. Riese! You want in depth look at family/custody issues, and forget the partying ho’s?? Aww, our little Riese is growing up..

  18. Ya know what? I’m gonna make it my mission to watch this show every week as long as Riese is doing recaps. If you are going to write these long, thought out and FUNNY recaps I will at least try and choke down an eppy.

    This all kinda reminds me of required reading in AP English. I would try and read the books with complete disregard to the character description and instead insert characters from TV shows I watched (mainly Buffy and Star Trek). That resulted in cool situations like Warf becoming a socialist (in The Jungle) after his wife

    Other than Tracy I kinda like Nikki and Jill because they are just so obnoxious with each other. They remind me of the husband and wife from “Best in Show” that had the weimaraner and bought all of their clothing out of Lands End catalogues. Hopefully they don’t snap and start to freak out over bumblebee shaped dog toys. Actually that would rock. The blond one has crazy eye going on so fingers crossed!

    They also kinda remind me of most of my friends in relationships x_x…

    • Gah! What happened to my comment! Sorry guys i forgot to delete like a paragraph so now I have a complete non-sequitur in the middle of the blasted comment that is neither interesting nor funny (kinda like The Real L word).

        • During the scene where Nikki and Jill were both on their Macs being annoying, I kept reciting Best in Show dialogue–

          “We met at Starbucks. Not at the same Starbucks but we saw each other at different Starbucks across the street from each other.”

          • Starbucks in the US used to have a business model of EXPAND INTO EVERY POSSIBLE AVAILABLE SPACE. Which led to things like the strip mall where my girlfriend used to work having 3 Starbucks stores (one in a bookstore, one in the grocery store and a standalone store).

            I believe most of the, erm, redundant Starbucks outlets closed during the GFC.

  19. this recap was made of so much win! seriously, so great!

    my favorite part was def the pie chart of how “into whitney” sara is.

  20. Things the Real L Word makes me not want to do:
    1. Move to LA
    2. Turn 21
    3. Have any lesbian friends. Ever.
    4. Talk to girls. Ever.

    I could obvs go on forever..
    5. Hook up with Rose (how does this girl get so many girls? She’s terrible)
    6. Have anything to do with the LA fashion scene (that is one trashy place)
    7. Marry Corpse Bride

  21. Am I the only one who wants to throw Whitney into a bathtub and scrub her hair clean and then apply mange cream to her scalp? I’ve seen hot dreads. Hot dreads are hot. These are abused dog dreads. Abused dog dreads are not hot, they are sad and pathetic and make you wanna go abuse whoever made the dog abuse dreads happen.

  22. “Gay fat is the straight skinny”??? What the fresh hell is this? I guess all the big girl lesbians like myself don’t exist.

  23. I hope you got your paypal donations. This recap was funny.

    I think “Christ almighty” in the title is one of my fav parts.

    I think instead of actually watching the show I am going to spend my time reading your recaps and practicing putting my bra on the non-backwards way. I didn’t even know there was another way. This website has taught me so much.

    • I tried putting my bra on the non-backwards way a couple of days ago just for funsies. I got the eyelet things all misaligned. It was a boob disaster.

      • boob disaster sounds NO good.

        i don’t support boob disasters in general. i don’t think Zeke, the boob cat, would either. backwards for life.

        though i might still practice.

    • I also loved “christ almighty.”
      How lucky are we that no matter how dreadful the tee vee becomes, we have AS recaps to truly entertain us?

  24. South of Nowhere called, they want their b-roll back

    Now THAT was a decent show with girls making out. Sometimes. When they weren’t brushing each other’s hair.

  25. So, got around to watching this last night, trying my hardest to keep an open mind.

    I was surprised, because despite all the things I expected it to be, it managed to be something entirely unanticipated:

    dull

    Like, really, really boring. Probably the slew of promos and publicity killed it because there wasn’t any material in there that hadn’t been rammed down our throats harder than a 12″ schlong already.

    The Stamie/Julie thing was the only bit of decent entertainment, after that I stopped paying attention and spent the remainder trying to work out who Mikey’s mullet reminded me of, and how Whitney managed to get girls into bed (I put that down to her monotone voice, she must bore her victims into soporific submission).

    I think the problem is that it’s completely lacking any humour. Even the unintentional stuff just caused guffaws of embarrassment rather than belly laughs.

    Chaiken and co must have been so focused on casting the Shane and the Papi that they forgot about the Alice.

    If this crew of vacuous dullards are the real lesbians, I’ll take the fake but funny ones any day.

    • yeah, right about the time when we were seeing mikey go into work for the second time i said “what the hell is the point of this show?” i feel like there is no way for this show to get interesting because they do the same thing every day.

  26. I kept thinking “Stamie” was a typo because, really, what kinda name is that? But, clearly it’s not a typo because you did it repeatedly. I’m sure she’s lovely but I can only think of “stymie”.

    I feel like I need to start a counter-campaign so that people know that monogamous lesbian couples do not sit around giving each other pedicures at night. But, thanks to Nikki and Jill I feel like my life isn’t really so boring after all. Yay for perspective.

  27. This makes me simultaneously relieved that I don’t get Showtime and happy that I do get Autostraddle.

  28. You know what else I realized this week, while explaining the show to my friends who hadn’t seen it?

    None of the characters really interacted at all! We were watching like 5 separate shows happen at once with no overlap, except for when Whitney “met” Tracy, and don’t even get me started on that BS.

    At least on other reality shows (Gimme Sugar, Real Housewives, etc) the characters all interact and are “friends.” This is like 5 separate boring stories that you don’t care about, and are made even less significant by existing in a vacuum (at least, for now).

    • i’m not sure if i was there for this conversation (seriously, the days are all running together in my mind at this point) or if i had the same conversation but YEAH i agree.

      it’s like we’re watching the separate lives of a bunch of people who live in the same town. The idea of “the chart” was so central to OG L Word, and the chart for these ladies would be absolutley nothing, and I think a more interconnected chart is necessary – that’s part of what makes WeHo interesting, if barely so. Nobody is even friends or has friendship conflicts. There’s no romance we’re invested in or worried about — there should be more hooking up BETWEEN cast members, rather than bringing in all these externals. Nikki & Jill are clearly happy together, so that’s fine, and as far as the rest of them go I don’t really care.

      This is basically the only show ever where the people in it are not a group of friends, have no project to complete for the show, and have no plot or conflict. WAY TO GO ILENE, YOU ALWAYS BREAK BOUNDARIES OF TELEVISION DONTCHA

    • That’s my favorite part! Besides this recap, obvs. I mean, I don’t/can’t even watch the show, so…

  31. Jeeeeeeeesus, I love this. I was utterly bemused by the first episode, notably the barefoot bar dancing, the ‘faux-randomness’ of the Crown Bar scene and Mikey in general, but merely accredited my confusion to a misunderstanding of America in general… I’m a backward New Zealander you see… thank you for highlighting the inherent absurdities littered throughout this shit-fest.

  33. This RECAP made my life. I used the Jillian Michaels-Jackie Warner line on my gf the other night after watching Losing It… it was glorious. The end.

    That line was probably my favorite part of the show right above Stamie’s boobs and the power of the clam.

  34. Props for use of the word “rapey”.

    “I’ll decide when you get to take those rapey cameras down…”

  35. Laneia: “In my world, it’s like, “This little piggy goes to target.”
    Riese: “And this little piggy also went to Target.”
    Laneia: “And this little piggy stayed home and cried because it didn’t have any money.”
    ——–
    This is my life in a nutshell (clamshell?) and one of the main reasons why I don’t think I’d be able to live in LA.

  37. I cringed, I cried, I threw up in my hair. I’m so happy I live in NYC for fear of being caught in the background of some weirdo bathroom stall argument shot. Also… why not have some actual single ladies on the show? Nothing against GOOD relationships obvs, but srly not one of these ladies is actually single and therefore i’m so bored watching them hit the town.

  38. That shit about Mickey’s self-created fashion week is horrible! Did they really think they’d sneak that by you clever girls? Good going!

  39. Rose’s girlfriend is possibly the most annoying girlfriend ever. Then again, so is Rose.

  40. May I just point out…you all know there WILL be one in NEW YORK next right???? JUST SAYNG…YOU KNOW IT’S GONNA HAPPEN!! So be READY!

    • there will only be another season of this if showtime decides to renew it. so FINGERS CROSSED that they don’t.

  41. After reading the sad sad intro to this post I was going to say “Riese you do not have to put yourself through such misery for us! It’s okay!”

    And then I read the next three pages and, well, sorry team, you have to keep doing this Forever.

    (My girlfriend, selfless soul that she is, watched the first episode for both of us and reported that it was too boring even to finish.)

    (Also P.S. I put my bra on backwards too, is that weird?! Is everyone else just coordinated enough to do it frontwards with such ease?)

  42. I had to drink to get through this episode, so I forgot a large portion of it. After reading this recap (which was fabulous, by the way) I am freshly reminded of the horror I inflicted upon myself and I feel like I need another drink…or several.

  43. 1. This recap is perfect

    2. This recap’s perfection makes me want to watch the show (to be ‘in on it’,etc. and, primarily, to see Boom Guy’s situation as it happened)

    1+2= Mixed feelings about this recap

  44. Sincerely, thanks for recapping. The recap is the main feature without which I will not watch the show. I’ll tip after payday next week, am a tad broke just now. If you do continue to recap – I admire your strength and tenacity; also please throw in the ‘WTF’ pics of the Autostraddle crew as you watch the episode – I love those!

  45. I’d like to make a case for the two dress wedding – sometimes it can be seriously hot! It’s Pride Week on Offbeat Bride right now, and there are some super excellent two dress weddings on there. (And some excellent one dress, one suit, two girls weddings. And even an excellent two suit wedding!)

    Personally, I think it looks best when the brides are in different colored dresses (white dresses are for suckers IMO) but TELL ME THIS ISN’T AMAZING. Go on. I dare you. (PORTAL CAKE. UTENA CAKE TOPPER. CRAZY FREAKING DRESSES. OMG.)

    If my partner or I were to wear a suit at our wedding, it wouldn’t reflect who we are. Ellen and Portia are totally awesome, but we’re not Ellen and Portia, we’re Dina and Desiree, you know?

    • I totally agree with you! If I spent all my time trying to be Ellen and Portia instead of Cait and Tiffany our relationship would be suck.

      The only fundamental problem I have with the two dress wedding is that sometimes they look like they’re trying to outdo each other. Or like this one wedding I was invited to but couldn’t attend – oh lord. It was a butch/femme relationship, but the femme insisted that the butch wear a dress. The pictures made me cry inside, she looked so out of place.

      Just stick to what you’re comfortable with. Keep it classy.

      • Your comment about the butch/femme wedding is exactly the reverse of what I’m trying to avoid! ;) Neither of us is particularly butch OR femme (just geek, I guess!), but when I suggested to Des that she wear pants (she rarely wears dresses) she responded with, “Why don’t YOU wear a suit?” Touche. :D

        • Right, I got that. My girlfriend and I don’t particularly identify one way or another ourselves, but the point I was trying to make is that don’t try to fit a role that you’re not comfortable with or that you don’t want to. Some people do embrace that identify (as my butch friend did), and she got roped into something she wasn’t. Just be yourselves. If you want to wear a dress, wear a dress! Don’t be limited by a perceived identity. And by perceived, I mean perceived by others.

          Uh, tl;dr: Fuck other’s perceptions and do what you want to.

          My comment about the brides outdoing themselves was poorly phrased, and there’s a deeper context about another specific wedding I did attend there, but I guess I shouldn’t assume that people can read my mind. (Ended in a catfight. Not enough booze in the world at that reception.)

          • I got that you were agreeing with me there – I just wanted to elaborate. :)

            Hey, I’m sure I’ll piss off people by not wearing a veil and not carrying a bouquet and not marrying a dude. So I’ll wear what I want, dammit! ;)

            And, oof. Catfight at a wedding? CLASSY!

          • everything you say is totally correct & i agree with you — i made my boyfriend wear the same color as I did to our senior prom ’cause i thought it looked cuter that way. it’s got nothing to do with identity or politics, just like my personal style preferences. which are notably bad, btw. like srsly i can’t even tell you what i’m wearing right now. okay, sweatpants.

  47. This is why I proceed to read recaps even when I saw the show. AS is like having a friend who thinks the same things as you when viewing a show. My train of thought on the earrings:

    “Those are dope. But I hate when people exploit Native American culture. Like yeah, sure, let’s kill their people and then exploit them. But they’re dope. Would I be wrong for wanting them? My ancestors didn’t kill them. And isn’t she like hispanic, her name is like, pronounced, Sa-da, and all? So like, she can wear them if I can.”

    And so on.

    I also do think I hate that “straightest gay person” statement. Like, what are you even saying? I don’t know if I like her outlook right now.

    Also, Mikey, you dick within a dick, you’re girlfriend is only plus-sized by this contorted standard of beauty that isn’t any type of fucking realistic, unlike you’re terrible fucking hair and attitude which are v. unfortunately, real. She’s beautiful. Thanks.

  48. Oh my god, I was like in tears with this commentary, so funny! When I watched it I definitely LOL’d about the Magic Mountain story especially since when I was growing up in LA we weren’t allowed to wear certain colors there because of rampant gang activity at the park. I had no idea that it was such a romantic place!!

    Also I really think you guys should do a vlog of the show but with puppets. Like that time Carly made a puppet that looked like her. Could be pretty great, and really I just miss the old Hav & Riese vlogs.

  49. GASP! “Lesbian Squabble #1.” I never thought I’d see those words again! :SOB: :SOB: :SOB: Hold me. Shake me. Choke me. Wait, no. That’s not the way I liiiiive and loooooove.

  51. reason number 1 gazillion to keep loving Tracy: (as per your screen shot) She has a framed copy of Springsteen’s Born To Run hanging on her bedroom wall. Nuff said.

  52. Recaps make everything better. And Tracy is HOT. How on earth did she get tangled up in this show? (but thank you for doing so).

  53. This recap was on point. Far funnier than the show itself. I only wish there had been more said about the incredibly awkward attempt at the REAL L Word’s sexiness… The poorly-lit hookup and the obligatory romantic sunrise shots accompanied by “[awkward orgasm noise] I’m gonna come. You’re so good at this” needed to be more fully deconstructed. That shit was whack.

  54. At one point Rose mentions she came out at 19-20, and that it was “kind of late” and then Tracy says the same thing but at the age of 25 or whatever. What is the universal age for lesbians to come out? like 14? Gimme a break.

    • I’ve already decided everything Rose says is bullshit anyway. I don’t even think she’s hot soi don’t understand how Papi was based on her. Eww.

      I’m hoping in the next few episodes they’ll reveal that they know each other. I mean, they couldn’t find a group of queer people who are friends in LA?! I guess the problem is, anyone with a decent job or real sense would know better than be a part of an IC production.

      Off topic: I just want to defend LA. Though some people are vapid bitches, if you avoid them, LA can be amazing. So please remember any reflection on LA from this stupid show is a relection of Ilene Chaiken’s perspective of the city. And you know how she is …

  55. I’m already forming a love/hate relationship with the Real L Word. I really loved Tracy/Stamie, and Nikki/Jill. On the other hand, can Mikey please jog into a bullet?

    ALSO! Nikki’s comment about matchy-matchy dresses basically made me break out into hives. I’m recently engaged and have nooo idea what I want us to wear! If anyone has opinions on that I would love to hear them! (An autostraddle round table on lesbian weddings would be ah-mazing. Just putting that out there.)

  57. How did I not realize that Jenny’s boobs were actually featured in the L word intro?! I mean I know we’ve seen them plenty throughout the episodes, but I’m seriously ashamed that I didn’t realize this until this recap. Thanks for enlightening me, AS.

    Also, this recap rocks my world!

  58. Pingback: The Real L Word, Episode 1 | dichotomy

  61. This is so funny!! OMG, I have tears in my eyes.
    I love you guys!
    Kisses from Greece!!!

  62. I loved the write up! So much better than actually watching the show, which despite my hopes, was just boring.

    I’ll never watch another episode, except if Witney’s in it. Cause she’s hot. She’s a duache, and she’d totally disgust me if I was around her, but I still can’t stop thinking about getting her in bed….

    I’m twisted, I know.

  64. I guess that saying you are “the straightest gay person” when you are gay is like when black people are portrayted as if they were white
    I read about the way the roles of latinas ares played, and I think it’s another bad situation that minorities are put. They put a latina, a lesbian, a black person, but portrayted as a white “normal” person, that don’t ever face the difficulties that we have in real life, that don’t have particularities or differences from what is shown all the time.
    I mean, it’s good that the lesbians are not just portrayted as lonely, sad or crazy, but just take the guy from a heterosexual couple and put a girl in his place won’t make it a lesbian realationship in so many levels.
    In the other hand, this recap is hilarious. Think i’m gonna see some episodes just to enjoy the writing

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