It’s been seven months of coronavirus and each of those months has felt three months long. Luckily for all of us, we have reached the best season: fall, and the best month: October. Why is October the best month? For starters, I was birthed from the black earth on a stormy devil’s night and I have been a gift to humanity ever since. Secondly, Halloween is this month! It’s the season of haunts and ghouls, where every creak of a floorboard could be something horrific. I love this season so much and celebrate by being as scared as I can for the whole month. Living in the midst of a global pandemic makes that easy. Living during this time has also made me a little…horny. I can’t recall a time when I’m not thinking about sexy things throughout my day. Especially when it’s early in the morning and I’m at work trying to concentrate on a task. It is not only my pleasure, but my DUTY to compile this list ranking different horror villains, classic monsters, and cryptids on their levels of raw sexuality. What would it be like to fuck or date a ghost? Let’s talk about it.
Listen, I had to put Krampus on this list. I know he’s more Christmas than Halloween but bear with me. Krampus is sexy! I know you’re screaming “Dani how! Dani why?!” and honestly I gotta admit: it’s the tongue. Krampus is this big black monster with skin that looks velvet and a bright pink tongue that comes to a point and curls at the end. A girl just knows a tongue like that could put in work. And those rippling muscles, wow. I’m a sucker for strong arms and Krampus delivers. He’s gotta be able to pick up kids and steal them away into the cold night so of course, his upper body is something to be envied.
I believe Krampus might technically be a demon but I wanted to expand past him to demons of all sizes, colors, and genders. I think there’s something that just naturally draws me to evil on the screen. From mean vilified femmes to villains being queer coded, I’m very into the “bad guy.” So with demons, their proximity to these topics draws me in. I think about the popular depictions of demons as these gaunt little devils that almost prance around. To make matters worse (for me) there is for some reason a bunch of demon porn, mostly of beautiful women having sex with these horned, winged creatures. Getting absolutely demolished by a demon.
Elizabeth Bathory as played by Delphine Seyrig
The real Elizabeth Bathory was a straight-up villain and very unsexy. However, depictions of her in film have really made her into a sex icon. In particular, her portrayal in the 1971 film Daughters of Darkness by Delphine Seyrig. She without hesitation ruins a heterosexual relationship and entrances every beautiful woman she comes across. She gives big mean mommy vibes but is still deliciously evil, creating an intense feeling of attraction and repulsion. I love this movie and am intensely drawn to the fashion and allure of Countess Bathory in it.
Something about the sheer size of the Kraken is attractive to me. Essentially a giant octopus, it’s got eight massive legs with SUCTION capabilities. Let me tell you the girls are paying big money for suction capabilities these days so if you can get it for free? Get it for free. One thing about the Kraken, I’d imagine it would be hella slimy which is gross to me. Also probably smells like raw bottom of the ocean which is straight nasty. Smells and tastes are a huge part of my attraction to other people and I can’t do that smelly shit.
Dracula as played by Bela Lugosi
This smokey-eyed bitch. This brooding, slithering, little sexy as bitch. Bela Lugosi’s Dracula is on some other shit. I just can’t get over those wild ass eyes piercing into my nether regions through the screen. I can see why women in that era were tripping for him. Without the eyes though, he is kinda boring. Like the hair is pretty basic. The cape should have been velvet or leather or something, give it some drip! I think this is the role that made Bela Lugosi a bit of a sex icon in his day so I’m giving him points for that but we’ve seen vampires do high fashion before and I feel like he could have done better.
Anne Wilkes as portrayed by Kathy Bates in “Misery”
I said this publicly on local podcast Ghoul on Ghoul, which you can listen to here, but Anne Wilkes is my mommy. 100% of the time I prefer to be the mommy but watching her get downright aggressive with a man just makes me hot. She’s caring and will throw herself completely into reading my work? That is all I need to be sold on her. Again, I have big problems with her choice of fashion. Give me Anne Wilkes in some leather, some classic black jeans, and a button-down with a few buttons open. Show me some cleave! Take that damn barrette out of your hair! How old are you?!
The great part about werewolves is they spend most? of their lives as humans. I imagine as humans they are ravishing and very sexual which is what I’m looking for in a partner. They also seem remarkably strong and flexible with a lot of power in their limbs. Watching a werewolf move is one of the coolest things ever, watching them transform? Not so much. It gets bloody, things have to shift, bend and break. It’s a pretty gnarly process that I as a partner to a werewolf would have to witness on a semi-regular basis. Am I ride or die enough to clean up my bloodied, naked boo after a night of prowling? I honestly don’t know. Also I’m vegan and while I don’t need to have a vegan partner, having one that feeds on human flesh is not very sexy. They still do get sexy points for raw power though.
The Flatwoods Monster
The Flatwoods Monster is so cute. I’m just gonna say it for you, like wow, what a little cutie. Those glaring bright red eyes, those fingers. The Flatwoods Monster also looks a little stocky, like she might be kinda thick under that skirt. Some people who have encountered the creature have stated it comes with a “pungent mist” which doesn’t necessarily knock sexy points. You know how sometimes you get used to your lover’s stink or even your own stink; it’s not your favorite smell but its one you know well enough to not be disgusted by it? Yeah, it’s like that. West Virginia is also very close to me so I could do long distance but in a way where she’s close enough to make it feel not entirely real. But If we’re talking sexiness, I think a big part of sexiness for me is the eyes, getting to look into them and examine them while watching them examine me. This monster has eyes that are piercing but they don’t feel like they would be open to being looked back at. The piercing redness seems like it would hurt my eyes.
The Bride of Frankenstein
Undoubtedly an undead hottie, the Bride of Frankenstein ranks pretty high for me. Most of it is because of that silver streak in her air. A silver fox of any degree is a big turn on for me. The Bride of Frankenstein also has villain eyebrows which I have been known to be attracted to. She also has perfect bowed lips that are just begging to be kissed. She may be married or engaged to be married but I don’t care, I’ll happily wreck a heterosexual marriage if it serves me. The only negative thing about her is she seems almost robotic in her movements and doesn’t really talk. I myself like a woman that can hold a conversation so not having that does pose a bit of a problem. If we are going straight on looks though she’s a stunner.
Alien from Alien
This creature is probably the most frightful of all of them on the list. The elongated head, the sharp tiny teeth, the tail spliced with bone. It’s seriously scary looking, and not much of the body parts are redeemable. The claws, while long and probably good for a little play, are also very sharp and would sooner tear you apart than give you any pleasure.
I have a confession to make. There was a scene in Scary Movie, the second one I believe, where Tori Spelling’s character has sex with a ghost. I was pretty young when I saw it but still old enough to have a reaction to it. There was also that Kevin Bacon movie where he’s an invisible man and has sex with a woman during his invisible times. Since then I’ve kind of had a thing for invisible people/ghosts and engaging in coitus with them. The thing with ghosts is you can’t actually see the person so you don’t know if you’re actually attracted to them, but it also allows you to imagine anyone you could ever want in that physical space. So a ghost can be as sexy as you want them to be.
Do I even have to go into this? Undead, rotting, stinky, violent and vile? There’s nothing sexy at all about a zombie.
Now we’ve come from bush-league zombies to the real heavy hitters: vampires. Vampires are gender benders and sex freaks, how could you not be attracted to them? All that neck nibbling and blood dripping gets me going like nothing else. I want to be turned, I want to be cold and sexy and stalking around in the dark feeding on other people. I just really enjoy the lore and the sumptuous evil of a vampire. They want to seduce you but only if you invite them too. There is also a long history of lesbian vampires in film and literature so in that vein I have some big shoes to fill in my fantasy to both hook up with and become a vampire. Seriously though I just know the sex with a vampire would be nastyyyyy in the best way, that’s why they rank so high on my list. Also there are already two vampires on this list which lets you know they are the paranormal creatures with the most sex appeal.
What monsters, villains, and cryptids make it on to your list? Let me know in the comments. Don’t be shy or ashamed! This is a safe space for all weirdos and freaks that think about this stuff on a regular basis like I do.