Real L Word #104 Recap: Gambling with Love & Lesbian Sex


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POWER OF THE CLAM. We’re so excited, this week there’s traveling, blue skies, and new B-Roll!

Mikey’s going to Las Vegas to become a stripper! JK, she’s going there for another one of the world’s BIGGEST EVENTS EVER, and it’s not LA Fashion Week, it’s the Super Soaker FanFic Buffy-Slash Convention Festival! Oh, no, it isn’t.

What Could it be? ComicCon? The L Word Convention? BizBash? The Republican National Convention? Earth Day? World of Concrete? Never mind, it’s time to say goodbye to Raquel-Works-Alot, Mikey’s estranged girlfriend.

Laneia: She’s wearing a TRACK SUIT. I’m just sayin’.
Riese: Like Sue Sylvester from that other show. The good one.

Which Star Trek character will Mikey dress up as? We’ll find out later. All we really need to know now is that she’s going to Las Vegas, home of the world-famous Luxor Hotel.  She’ll be road trippin’ it with granola bars, a neatly packed cooler, Assistant Shanna and New Intern Cecie — which’s a great opportunity for girl talk! Cecie’s straight and has a boyf & big questions.

On the Road Again

Cecie: My five year anniversary is coming up…
Mikey: What are you gonna do for your five year anniversary?
Cecie: Well I was thinking–
Mikey: If you should let him come in your eye after five years?
Shanna: She does that on the first date.

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Riese: I hope they get lost, it’ll be like National Lampoon’s Real L Word.
Laneia: Yes, please make that happen.

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Nikki & Jill are doing more wedding planning, which is fascinating, it’s just like A Wedding Story on TLC or that one episode of True Life. There are two European women in charge of the wedding with confident fancy accents. Today Nikki & Jill will be talking about the dresses they’ll wear on the day of their Special Friends Forever Ceremony. This is important because post-ceremony they’ll remove their dresses and hug, naked, which is what lesbian sex is. Maybe.

Jill: I want my dress to be simple but beautiful, sexy, elegant.

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Laneia: I want my dress to be thesaurus.com. But only the good words.
Riese: I want my dress to be welovecolors.com.

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No but really, I want a dress that makes me feel like this:

But also like this:


Much like I imagine lesbian sex would be, if I could figure out how to do it. Like this, right?

Right?

Uh-huh.


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Hey So, About You Being a Total Douchebag…

Whitney is hungover and tired from One Night in Romi, and Alyssa is annoyed and tired from Living Every Day With Whitney while Whitney Makes My Cousin Sad.

Whitney says she didn’t have sex with Romi, so there really can’t be an issue. It’s not like she’s gonna get pregnant or anything, don’t worry.

Alyssa: Your definition of “full sex” is a little hairy.
Whitney: What is that?
Alyssa: I don’t know, you tell me, what is full sex?
Whitney: We didn’t have like oral sex exchange and stuff.

The oral sex exchange is like the stock exchange. Where everyone also gets fucked.

Let’s F*ck Everybody

Whitney tells Alyssa that she’s just not ready for a relationship now. She could say this directly to Tor, but that would be a wee bit proactive, and this show is not about Proactive Solutions, it’s about Problems.

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Laneia: “Not right now. Not while I’m a douche.”
Riese: “My douchefactor is on orange alert right now Alyssa, I have a lot going on with a lot of replicants.”

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Teddy Bear = Nanny Cam

Natalie needs to get a new job/revise her resumè and Rose is the only person in the world who knows how to use a computer so she’s lending a hand. Natalie’s been a hairstylist for five years and is ready to take the next step. You know, the next step. What’s the next step? Natalie for Wax? Who cares! SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT LESBIAN SEX IS RIGHTNOW. More importantly, this:

Riese: Rose looks cuter in glasses and sweatpants.
Laneia: Agreeeeeerereeeereeeee!
Riese: She’s so much cuter right now! I actually think I’d like Rose better if she was a butch.
Laneia: I think I’d like everyone better if they were butches.
Riese: Agreed.
Alex: No!
Riese: But I mean I’d like her personality better.

Alex: NO! Mikey is butch, and she’s annoying.
Riese: Mikey is not butch.
Alex: Whatever.
Riese: Mikey is just a “Mikey Lesbian.”
Alex: She’s masculine, OK?
Riese: She’s not butch at all, how she operates.
Alex: She errs on the side of masculine.
Riese: It’s more power-dyke than butch, despite her casual attire.
Alex: If 5 was an equal amount of feminine/masculine, mikey is a 7.
Laneia: 6.
Alex: 6.5.

Natalie: I spent seven months of my life as somebody’s bitch. As an assistant.
Rose: Exactly like us!


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Time Check

Tracy & Stamie are looking at apartments — FAKEOUT! It’s Take Your Girlfriend to Work Day. Stamie explains how she got into real estate via a ‘Come to Jesus Moment’ when she realized she’d rather make money than do stand-up in laundromats.

Tracy wants to do a ton of things with her life but she keeps running out of time, ’cause she’s forced to spend 60% of her waking hours repeating “it’s challenging to date a woman with kids,” to a camera, egged on by Ilene Chaiken’s Evil Elves.

Then comes the part where the producers rope Stamie’s real estate co-agent into the Topic of the Day and The Reason We Are All Here, to unlock the mysterious vadgehole of WHAT THE FUCK DO LESBIANS DO IN BED. Pretty much TRLW will interview anyone, whomever wants a Lower Third can get one. They’re probs chasing Abbey bartenders down the street every night, asking them if penetration is necessary for “full sex.” (is it?)

Also Thinking About Penetration

Josh is “hesitant” to use the word “penetration,” but then he just has to go ahead and slip it in. Just the tip, you know how men are. We found this conversation not incredibly informative:

Riese: Oh my G-d!
Laneia: OH MY GOD NO STOP!
Riese: PENETRATION!
Laneia: FUCKING STOP THIS OMFG!
Riese: THIS SHOW IS PENETRATING ME AND I SAID NO!
Alex: I feel like I’m in high school again.
Riese: I feel so weird & violated.
Laneia: This is like when your mom talks about your first period to your neighbors or something.
Alex: I love shows that make me feel like I’m back in high school.

Mhm.


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Mikey & her crew roll up to the Luxor at Las Vegas, where Mikey’s connection to/belief in “LA Fashion Week” has secured a giant suite with a POOL TABLE. I get really excitant about the potential for BODIES THE EXHIBIT, but Mikey is more sad about how she can’t share her beautiful bedroom or any of these wide-angle scenic views with RaquelWorksalot.

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Riese: Oh product placement! The Luxor! It’s a fabulous hotel in Las Vegas!
Laneia: “Thanks, Showtime!”
Riese: Wow, she is big pimping. Spending g’s.

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Mikey: I get up to my suite. I’m on the top floor which I love and I cannot believe what I see. Who has a pool table in their suite? I do! I completely feel like I am either Beyoncè or Jay-Z or P-Diddy…

This Suite’s Got Me Lookin’ So Crazy Right Now

Laneia: Right. Just like Beyonce. just like that.
Riese: I was thinking that before she even said it — “this reminds me of… Beyoncè”
Laneia: “Is this the bedroom where lesbians can have sex maybe if we could just figure out HOW THE FUCK TO DO IT.”
Riese: “I got 99 problems but this suite ain’t one.”

Yeah I Got One Leg. And A Suite.

Mikey is so inspired by the breathtaking views of sin and greed that she decides she’s gonna marry Raquel that very night, ’cause it turns out she can fly in after all.

Mikey wants the assistants to find a wedding chapel for the Big Event. Mikey’s gonna go “balls to the wall” and has jumped on “a crazy roller coaster ride” and she’s got “the girls” on the “roller coaster with her” and they are “freaking out.”

“God, I’m a Genius.”

Riese: Does she know it’s not legal?
Laneia: Oh this is a terrible terrible idea/moment.
Riese: Is this going to be about how gay marriage is not legal?
Laneia: “I have this suite. So I’d like to get married?”
Riese: Yes, suites will do that to you.
Laneia: One time, I had a car, and I decided I needed a milkshake —
Riese: She’s just gonna bind and waltz on in there and be like “I’m a Mikey Lesbian!”
Laneia: I think the idea here, is that lesbians don’t care about the law. That they are renegades.
Riese: We’re above it, so to speak. “On top of it.”

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Alexandra: I need another beer.
Riese: “When Raquel comes, what will we do? I just wanna spend time with each other, having our version of lesbian sex which is — :”
Laneia: “Slapping each other’s boobs.”

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Everyone gets excited while Mikey-the-Avatar fucks around in the corner and Mikey explains that she and Raquel have plans to make a family together so  you know, Mikey is ready for that final piece of paper. Unfortunately she will not be receiving said paper in Las Vegas, because of homophobia and the conservative right wing Christian influence on both federal and local government.

Taylor has illustrated the after-party for you:

Pages: 1 2 3 4 See entire article on one page

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2697 articles for us.

77 Comments

  1. I cannot speak because I lol-ed too hard.
    Seriously, watching this episode was painful on so many levels, so called lesbians trying to explain what lesbian sex is and what IS considered as sex in a very hetero-normal way, was just a disgrace…
    Thank God for your recaps 😀
    This show is just fake and unreal, it’s completely alien to me.
    Now I’m just hoping that the BBC will release their damn British L word-like show, “Lip Service” so that we have a proper portrayal of lesbians on TV 😀 Oh hell, bring back Callie and Arizona for an extra summer spin off of Grey’s Anatomy, whatever!

  2. I love the flow chart! I will bust that shit out at Thanksgiving so that my whole family can be enlightened about the mysteries of sex.

    OM NOM NOM (I made a sandwich).

  3. …you guys i know we/i love tracey and stamie but what if they were wrong? what if my vagina CATCHES ON FIRE?!

    or worse, what if all we ever do is cuddle?!!

  4. Until the last season, I pretty much loved “The L Word” even though the characters were not like any lesbians I have ever known in my entire life.

    For that same reason, I find “The Real L Word” very unreal. I am not a big fan of realty shows, most of them seem contrived to me, so I may not be the best to even make a statement about this new creation from Ilene Chaiken.

    My partner and I write coming out books for lesbians, bisexual and questioning women, and we have a support group with over 950 members. Some of our members like the show, and some don’t like it at all. This quote seems to be the consensus of the members who don’t like the show:

    “I don’t want to be a lesbian like any of those women…I don’t want to be associated with any of them…”

    I was really hoping that this would not be the case, as our group has discussions about current events, news and movies that concern the LGBT community quite a bit. I was looking forward to them being able to see a good reality show about real lesbian life, and the discussions that would follow each week.

    Maybe “The Real L Word” will grow on our members who don’t like it, but sadly most were so turned off the first couple of episodes, that they are not giving it a chance to do so. They are still watching “The L Word” on DVD though…

  5. “Alex when you talk about moving to LA while we’re watching this show, I get sad. That’s like saying you want to become a Nazi during Schindler’s List.”

    Funnier/truer words were never written.

  6. ok, now that I’m done with page one (I’ll finish reading later), I just gotta say queerfolk,

    If you eat out a girl without a dam, you could get HPV in your throat which can lead to THROAT CANCER. So no fuck you to Whitney, miz “Oral sex exchange” is not “full sex.”

    My general rule of thumb is that if you’re doing something that could expose you or your partner/s to STDs, it’s sex. Just because there isn’t a cis dick involved doesn’t negate the fact that it’s fucking.

    In conclusion, you had sex with the girl who fingered you last night. Always use gloves/dams/condoms plz!!

    Related: Could it be any clearer that this show is not for us? Otherwise why the fuck would they spend an episode explaining what lezzie sex is? It’s so heterosexist/misogynist of them to perpetuate the notion two women can’t fuck each other. Piss off, TRLW.

  7. “Hey So, About You Being a Total Douchebag…
    Whitney is hungover and tired from One Night in Romi, and Alyssa is annoyed and tired from Living Every Day With Whitney while Whitney Makes My Cousin Sad.”

    hilarious.

    i’ve started referring to Whitney as The Predator cuz she looks like the Predator and acts like one.

    Mikey in my crib is now referred to as Rod Stewart.

    that’s all for now.

  8. “Mikey is so inspired by the breathtaking views of sin and greed that she decides she’s gonna marry Raquel that very night, ’cause it turns out she can fly in after all.”

    I thought this was a joke, but then it turned out to NOT BE A JOKE AT ALL

  9. If I ever get married, it’ll be H&M dresses, beer / potato chips and flowers from my garden.

    Seriously Real L Word peeps, keep your money for stuff that actually matters: cat food, computers or, I don’t know, fighting for our rights maybe?

  10. You know when you have a dream and you wake up not remembering it but you still get the creeps from it The Real L Word is that dream.

    Awesome recap. Way better than the god damned show.

  11. This review was so funny! The past reviews were kind of Rush Limbaugh just hateful for no reason. Now you are like Howard Stern…still hateful but funny. Okay maybe hate is a bit much…but highly annoyed. I really didn’t know that white people were like this…meaning that I didn’t know you guys saw other white people who clearly aren’t you and some how make it about yourself. See I know some black people and they get all upset of let’s say BET because it somehow represents them. This is kind of like that…ridiculous.

    My wife and I (legally married in Canada) have been together for seven years and every week we see parts of our relationship somehow represented in the show. And it makes us laugh and reflect on the trials and tribulations of said romance. But at no time do we cringe of even care about the embarrassing things that they do because as much as it is a show it’s not scripted. So I am just going to speak for the cast, of who I admit I don’t know from a can of paint and say, it is what it is! When you guys get a little older you will see that this show is great.

    • I agree, the other recaps just seemed hateful and they actually made me more embarrassed to be gay than the show itself. The joke was on Autostraddle instead of TRLW.

      But this one was actually funny! Keep up the good work girls!

      • the joke was on Autostraddle? ’cause we were honest about how we felt about the show? It’s a bad show. I wrote this recap to please everybody, but in the past I was honest and i think honesty is important, and I don’t care about representation ’cause I don’t think anyone is watching this show so it doesn’t matter really. I just want to be entertained, is all, to be at least as compelling as other reality shows that people apparently liked a lot more.

        The recaps made you embarrassed to be gay? really?

        That’s devastating.

          • lol. I love how the first 2 comments are like insults rolled in loving appreciation.

            I’ve tried to watch and it’s laughable and the level of stupidity and superficiality is awe-inspiring (to be fair, I hate on all reality tv) but mostly it’s freaking me out because IFC is driving. it ain’t about the color of their skin, but I know some people in this world still live there, so ok.

            btw, nobody can _make_ you feel something. that comes wholly from within. just sayin’.

    • Perhaps what the people actually say when they’re actually in front of the cameras is unscripted, but come on, you know they pull stuff apart and piece it back together in post. That’s, like, the reality show modus operandi.

  12. The “Is it sex” flowchart needs to be made into t-shirts, like right now.

    This show is just too much for me. The only reason I’m glad that it exists is for these incredible recaps. I agree that I am more interested in the main cast’s friends, lovers, and family.

  13. “it tastes the same(if you close your eyes)” = amazing. every time RENT is referenced, a fairy gets its wings.

    also, that flowchart is for sure in the top 5 best things i have seen in my life ever.

  14. I rofl at them. Since when is a sex act not a sex act? Who the hell is rewriting these definitions and how much of ‘la la la la I can’t hear you!’ goes into it? I can go down on a gal, and finger, and do a whole crapload of stuff, etc spoon after and fall asleep from exhaustion (booyah)… but according to these crazy kids, we never had sex! WOT! -.-

  15. Also, I have a big crush on Raquel, ginormous finger ring notwithstanding. Her ring reminds of the ginormous ring Bette was wearing when she kissed Tina at Shebar in season 5.

    Are ginormous finger rings a new trend that I don’t know about?

  16. “HOW COOL IS THIS FONT?!” = DIED.

    can i reiterate the fact that when i say i hate whitney and want to barf on her knees, i mean the CHARACTER of whitney that the editors have tried so desperately to create. i don’t hate anyone IRL b/c none of this shit is RL, so.

    i’m standing by all of the haircut comments, though. seriously.

    also this is maybe probably the best recap so far.

  17. Thanks for your hard work on the recap. Worth it. And worth repeating that the recap is 50 times better than the show. That sex flowchart is so, so good, and I’ve been LOL’ing, rereading and re-LOL’ing at this all morning: “Mikey explains that because Mikey missed her flight on 9/11 from Pittsburgh to LAX, which got hijacked with all her bags inside (she lost her entire collection, it was devastating etc), she’s not upset at Raquel. She’s just 95% confident that her future wife just dodged a close encounter with Al Queda.”

  18. I am really glad I never have to watch this show because I have your recaps. Thank you. And thank you for the flowchart. That was very informative. I think maybe before I was confused.

    Also “This is like when your mom talks about your first period to your neighbors or something.” Yes.

    And at work the other day a rowdy table of 6 was raving about the real L word (and maybe there was one lesbian at the table, or maybe zero) and I had to try really hard not to die from laughing and get fired on my first shift. Or not die on my first shift.

  19. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone when I say that the OG L Word played a significant role in my coming out to myself process (Poor little lonely lez etc etc). I don’t even want to think of where I might be in life if I had peeped out the Closet and saw this Real rif raf instead. Oh god. I probably would have dove right back in and jumped on the first train back to the Penetration Station.

  20. Once, long ago, possessed with the same desire to definitively answer the Sphinx-ian riddle of “what IS lesbian sex?” I walked around West Hollywood with a video camera and interviewed fellow lesbians (some sober, some not-so-sober) re: their opinions/definitions of lesbian sex and lesbian porn. The answers I got were all over the damn place, much like the girls on TRFLW. I would show the doc to you guys, because it actually turned out really funny and I interviewed some awesome Brits and The French Shane (no, really, she looked just like Shane but was French) but I didn’t get any actor releases because it was just for a college class. HOWEVS…the flow chart made my life/summed up all the various answers PERFECTLY and I second, third, double-fist the motion that it be made into T-shirts, posters, etc. etc.

    Conclusion: lesbian sex has multiple definitions just like lesbians give each other multiple orgasms. case closed.

  21. The only reason I continue to watch this show (other than that other reason that involves something like driving slowly past a semi/smart-car accident) is so I can have my deliciously hearty belly-laugh of the week over reading these recaps. Riese, if I wasn’t already in a lovely relationship, I would hop a plane to take you out– we could discuss the oh-so-elusive definition of lesbian sex and ponder the sunglasses-indoors agenda (sigh)

  22. I’m commenting on this because I want Riese to know that her Herculean efforts are appreciated.

    Also, this…The oral sex exchange is like the stock exchange. Where everyone also gets fucked.…is AMAZING.

  23. Just so we’re all clear, Beyonce stays at the MGM and her suite has two levels AND has a pool table.

    Is there any chance Mikey got the fancy pants Luxor suite because they thought she was Rod Stewart?

  24. Your recaps are amazing, you guys are so funny. But I feel kinda guilty loving them because you hate having to watch it so much, and then having to write about it – thats true dedication! Which is very much appreciated from me too!

  25. Does Mikey mean that her collection was on any old random flight from Pittsburgh to LAX on 9/11, she missed THAT flight, and then the collection was lost in the ensuing travel stoppage? Because there was no hijacked flight from Pittsburgh to LAX on 9/11/01. A check of Wikipedia confirms that the hijacked flights were BOS->LAX, BOS->LAX, Dulles->LAX, and Newark->SFO. If that’s creative editing, that’s beyond offensive.

  26. hahaha i would also be a person to bring a novel to a wedding planning session, just like i declined to join a wedding dress shopping trip less than a fortnight ago, because snore/suicide. so thank you for the entertainment and the sacrifice because i want to know what’s happening but i sure as shit am not watching it.

  27. 1. I am 2 episodes behind.
    2. Robin refuses to watch this show because it bums her out.
    3. If Sara had made out with Whitney I was going to tell everybody, but she didn’t. So I have nothing interesting to tell you.

  28. Love the recap. Love this show.

    Nikki & Jill are so cute. Tracey and Stamie are sweet. And Whitney, Rose and Mikey’s shenanigans crack me up, they look like they know how to have a good time!

    Some people obviously take it waaaaaay too serious though. Always that whole ‘ow but it’s not representative’, ‘that’s not what lesbians are really like’ & ‘I don’t know anyone like that’ discussion.. Come on! It’s entertainment; watch it, enjoy it, make fun of it, and then move on.

    X

  29. This is completely irrelevant but I just wanted to share the joy I feel. Why? Well, because as of today marriage is for everyone in Argentina! 14 hours of debate, i was so nervous…this is such a relief.

    • Felicitaciones!! Va a casarles ahora 🙂

      (that might not have been correct, but i’m trying…and now i have yet another reason to move to buenos aires)

  30. I have a question for the law people here: is it even LEGAL to cut statements together the way you want them to be in a TV show? I mean, Nikki declared that she never actually said the thing about looking more “fabulous” in a designer dress but was talking about her weird body shape. They simply took two totally different sentences and cut them together into one.

    Just imagine the police working together with IFC in a murder investigation, it would be -oh wait THEY DID, weirdest investigation ever! Now we know how Alice would have ended up in jail. “I didn’t murder Jenny, I did have crazy sex with my girlfriend though” could suddenly become. “I didn’t have crazy sex with my girlfriend, I did murder Jenny though”

  31. I missed the last show/recap so when I saw there were four whole pages of recap for this ep I thought several worrisome things about why there might be so much, and wondered if perhaps the last three pages were just full of “ALL TLRW AND NO PLAY MAKES AUTOSTRADDLE A DULL BOY” and the extreme exposure required for recapping should have made you flip.

    I mean, this is really a superhuman effort for you guys to keep doing this.

    There are too wonderful/hilarious things in this recap to quote without reaching the comment box’s perhaps-non-existent character limit, so I will just pick my fave:

    Laneia: I want my dress to be thesaurus.com. But only the good words.

    This is the first thing I have ever read that has made me seriously want to marry someone.

  32. I went to bed before I finished reading the recap cause I was super sleepy, but I keep dreaming about weird haircuts and weirder definitions of lesbian sex. I’m pretty happy I don’t get to watch this, recaps are enogh.

  33. Another excruciating experience…
    Ilene Chaiken knows how to make a dead boring, fake, annoying show about lesbians!

    I know the Luxor Hotel and the Roxbury Cafe now, i have the “LA non existent Fashion Week” and “Stamie’s doing a stand up every Thursday” written in my DNA and i can sleep tight!

    I also know that Nikki’s loaded with money and she wants to spend it to a Nirvana Jewish Wedding, that is not even recognized by the State.

    What the F*#ck?

    At least i have my weekly recap on Autostraddle! Thank you girls!!

  34. so, I wasn’t aware that it was so damn hard to define lesbian sex. how ’bout this? if you’re female and trying for an orgasm with one or more chicks, then you’re having lesbian sex.

    now that i got that outta the way. i possibly love the recaps more than the actual show. it’s a shame whitney’s so annoying, because she’s really ‘effing cute.

  35. When I went to The Luxor, there was no pool table. Temples, grave chambers and buildings from before Time, however, were present.

    I’m never going to Las Vegas. I feel like my esthetics center never would make a full recovery,

  36. the “if its not penetration its not sex” comment made me so goddamn mad and was probably pieced together so that all the straight dudes watching the show feel great about their nasty schlongs. not all dykes like penetration. my girlfriend and i BOTH don’t like it, and we give each other multiple orgasms almost every night. shit, it’s like the show went back to 1950 when no one knew what a CLITORIS was. to me, sex=ORGASMS, achieved with one or more partners! my answer to any stupid ass who asks me what lesbians do in bed is “have orgasms rather than fake them and then get a urinary tract infection the way most straight girls do.”

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