If you’ve been reading Autostraddle at all in the past month, then you’ve probably been watching Yellowjackets, which follows a bunch of soccer girls who survive a plane crash and eventually descend into cannibalism. The Showtimes series offers suspense, drama, betrayal, horror and (of course) sex. So if you ever find yourself stranded in the Canadian wilderness after a plane crash with a bunch of your hot friends for a prolonged period of time just like the Yellowjackets bunch, here’s how to have the best possible sex in the worst possible circumstances:
1. If you don’t want to have sex at all, that’s normal. Take advantage of the extra time and energy.
When your body is under prolonged stress, you produce more cortisol, which inhibits the production of sex hormones. Lower quantities of sex hormones typically results in a lower libido, and if that’s the case for you on this adventure, consider yourself lucky — while everyone else struggles to figure out wilderness sex, you can spend your time tracking down your next meal.
2. If the life-or-death circumstances get you all horned up, then go ahead and fuck your pain away.
While some folks don’t even want to think about sex when they’re confronted with disaster, others might feel extra aroused. According to social psychologist Justin Lehmiller, Terror Management Theory could explain the connection. “The idea behind it is that when we face the prospect of our own mortality, it leads us to cope, or it leads us to change our attitudes and behaviors in a way that it’s designed to cope with that existential threat,” Lehmiller told Vox. Sometimes that change in behavior manifests sexually. If that’s how your body responds, then you’re really going to need the rest of these tips.
3. Maybe don’t have the kind of sex that can get somebody pregnant while you’re stranded in the middle of the woods.
No form of birth control is 100% effective — and these aren’t exactly the ideal circumstances for popping out a baby — so consider holding off on any potentially procreative sex acts. And if your soccer coach offers you and your backcountry bae a handful of condoms and you want to take the risk, at least check the expiration date.
4. Don’t worry — menstrual blood won’t attract bears…but it might attract wolves, so skip the wilderness sex when you’re bleeding.
If you and/or your wilderness lover are menstruators, fear not — the whole “bears attack menstruating people” thing is a myth. Wolves, on the other hand, are attracted to the smell of blood. Technically, the composition and odor of menstrual blood is different from the blood that runs through our veins, and there are no studies linking wolf attacks to menstruation. But you probably don’t want a wolf to make your lover its midnight snack, so in this case, it might be best to err on the side of caution. If you and/or your partner are actively bleeding and your sexy time is about to look like a scene ripped from Dexter, save the wilderness romp for a later date.
5. If you’re going to use your hands, please figure out how to wash them.
When you’ve been wiping your ass with leaves and slicing up a deer (…or a person) for dinner, it’s not a good idea to put those hands in or on anyone’s genitals without washing them first. Even if you don’t have any soap, at least give your hands a rinse. Or if you want to impress your sweetheart with your foraging skills, track down a buffaloberry (or “soap berry”) plant for some suds. Just don’t eat too many of the berries — they can cause intestinal distress.
6. Be aware of poisonous plants before you get naked on top of them.
Remember that episode of Grey’s Anatomy when Addison Montgomery had a wild time in the woods and ended up with poison ivy on her nether regions? Don’t put your bits in that itchy situation! You can follow the “leaves of three, let it be” rule, but it’s probably safer find a clearing for your forest fucking instead.
7. Oh, and look out for snakes.
Maybe you’re terrified of snakes or maybe the idea of something slithering in the grass while you get railed is exactly what you’re into. In either case, stay alert — Canada is home to a number of poisonous snakes, and with no access to medical care, a snake bite could be fatal.
8. If you don’t want to be a mosquito feast, opt for an afternoon delight.
When you’re in the wilderness, you’re going to be dealing with a LOT of mosquitos, especially if you’re near a body of water. Mosquitoes are the most active at dawn and at dusk, so if you want to strip naked while there’s still a bit of light in the sky, a midday tryst will probably be your most comfortable option.
9. If you absolutely must do butt stuff, you’re going to have to find some lube.
Friend, please remember that BUTTS DO NOT SELF-LUBRICATE! When you put someone or something in your backdoor without lubing up, you can seriously injure yourself, and the last thing you need right now is an anal fissure. You probably don’t have any actual lube on hand, but some oil or lotion (or…I don’t know, deer fat?) will be better than nothing.
10. Now is not the time to put random objects in your holes.
If you brought any dildos or butt plugs on the plane, 1. good for you and 2. good luck finding them now. If you’re missing your sex toys, you might be tempted to put found objects in your openings, but that’s not advisible. If you get a yeast infection or a UTI, your treatment options are limited, and if you lose something up your asshole, consider yourself done for. Do you really want to be that person who survived a plane crash and then died from putting a literal stick up their ass? No, you don’t. So resist the temptation and stick with hand stuff (or at least find something with a base).
11. Know where you are.
You want to get lost in sex — you don’t want to get lost after sex. Before you go tromping off into the woods to scissor yourselves into serenity, bring a compass or leave some markings on trees so you can find your way back to base camp.
Do you have your own wilderness sex tips? Drop them in the comments!
This made me laugh so much. I don’t do well with horror so I’ve been skimming the Yellowjacket recaps while hiding my eyes behind my fingers and feeling damn good about my decision not to actually watch it.
But this is solid information. Thank you Ro!
10 might now work without lube. Don’t want to rip a new one back there as they say.
good god the UTIs alone
The requirements for merit badges are … different than I remember.
LOL! Gives “be prepared” a whole different meaning.
omg @queergirl comment award
Now we need an article on the official Canadian plein air sex pastime – how to make love in a canoe.
I bet an article like that could really make a splash, if it didn’t get someone paddled.
I will take this opportunity to nerd out – quite a few plants in many places have enough saponins to be useful as soap, and consuming too much of the saponins causes intestinal and kidney problems, which to me makes sense – don’t eat soap, don’t eat soap plants! Different plants have different things to offer!
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