Real L Word #104 Recap: Gambling with Love & Lesbian Sex

How do lesbians have sex? Do you know? Like what lesbian sex is? Anyone? Can lesbians even have sex? I’m so confused. I’m also wondering if they should really get married. What’s a legally binding contract matter when you’ve got the prospect of pimpy pool tables and fancy dresses?  Lesbians. Such odd yet beautiful creatures!

Anyhow, recently, my frienemies told me about this RAD new show called The Real L Word. Although I was pretty sure I’d already seen it and hated it, I agreed to give it another shot. After all, I needed to answer the burning questions that keep me up all night — it’s like I have a mission, you know?  Like a higher purpose?  Like I’m guided by some lesbian superpower? I think this higher calling probably could possibly be THE POWER OF THE MOTHERFUCKING CLAM, as we demonstrate in this photograph from Pride:

Anyhow, in search of entertainment, lesbian action & something to get upset about; Laneia, Alex and I sat our asses down in front of the teevee for The Real L Word and what did we see? Mikey’s weirdo head staring back at me!

Mikey: “There’s a huge difference between having sex with a man and having sex with a woman. One kind I like, and one kind I don’t.”

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Yes, today’s hot topic was “What is Lebsian Sex?” This is a v.important issue, so let’s dig right in and get all those parts out of the way right now. Like foreplay!

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WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS LESBIAN SEX?

Nikki: We’re not one hit wonders. I mean we could go and go.*

*I have no idea what this means. Multiple orgasms? Multiple positions? Kama Sutra? More than one dance track exploding all over the Billboard charts? Is that what the descending fluorescent disco balls are there for?

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Tracy: “Lesbian sex is when two vaginas rub together and they don’t catch on fire.”

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Via Lesbian Sex Positions for Dummies:

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Whitney: “Lesbian sex is anything you want it to be, that’s why it’s so amazing.”

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Mikey: “When two chicks go down on each other, that’s not sex. Banging a girl with your foot/toe is also not sex.”

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Mikey’s Assistant Shanna: “If you had a strap-on and fucked a girl, that would be sex.”

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Mikey: “If you have an orgasm or if you’re being penetrated, that’s sex.”

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Raquel: “Fingerbanging does not count as sex, but other kinds of penetration are sex.”

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Whitney: “Oral sex exchange” is not “full sex.”

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Another delightful definition comes courtesy of Stamie’s business partner. It happens. One minute you’re talking about the arrangement of furniture in a potential sale property and the next minute you’re asking Stamie & Tracy for their definition of lesbian sex.

Josh: “In the straight world, ‘slept together’ means sexual intercourse. Penetration, is what I mean.”

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Stamie: “It’s just cuddling. Or sometimes I put her boobs in my face.”

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Jill’s getting handsy:

Jill: “There’s plenty of ways to do it. We have hands, we have mouths…”

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Shane: “Are you fucking kidding me, [lesbians fucking] is entirely possible! Where do you live, Mark? It’s entirely possible. Is this a joke?”

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Alex: Let’s just keep talking about how we’re SO DIFFERENT from everybody else.
Riese: Exciting, Alex, the word is “exciting.”

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Rose takes the question very seriously, explaining that “sensuality” is what connects women and makes lesbian sex so amazing. She elaborates: “It’s more than you just sticking your dick in her pussy.” And just like that, our collective “pussies” close up and die, never to be seen or entered by another hand, mouth, strap-on, or Mikey Lesbian again.

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Unfortunately, the “scenes from last week” bit was extra long this week. We had to live through it all over again…

Riese: OMG PTSD!
Laneia: DIE! DEATH! DIE!
Riese: <—-dead
Laneia: ^ this

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After the episode we asked you to tweet your feelings about the show to us, and we’ll post those responses throughout the recap. Let’s start here:

Oh Kstellar56. We can do much better than that. In fact, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to create a Lesbian Sex Flowchart which is so amazing, you’ll have to turn the page afterwards, because the rest of the recap is not worthy of this flowchart and cannot share its stage [thank you to my fine collaborators, Taylor and Alex Vega]:

click to expand

Pages: 1 2 3 4See entire article on one page

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2844 articles for us.

77 Comments

  1. I missed the last show/recap so when I saw there were four whole pages of recap for this ep I thought several worrisome things about why there might be so much, and wondered if perhaps the last three pages were just full of “ALL TLRW AND NO PLAY MAKES AUTOSTRADDLE A DULL BOY” and the extreme exposure required for recapping should have made you flip.

    I mean, this is really a superhuman effort for you guys to keep doing this.

    There are too wonderful/hilarious things in this recap to quote without reaching the comment box’s perhaps-non-existent character limit, so I will just pick my fave:

    Laneia: I want my dress to be thesaurus.com. But only the good words.

    This is the first thing I have ever read that has made me seriously want to marry someone.

  2. I went to bed before I finished reading the recap cause I was super sleepy, but I keep dreaming about weird haircuts and weirder definitions of lesbian sex. I’m pretty happy I don’t get to watch this, recaps are enogh.

  3. Another excruciating experience…
    Ilene Chaiken knows how to make a dead boring, fake, annoying show about lesbians!

    I know the Luxor Hotel and the Roxbury Cafe now, i have the “LA non existent Fashion Week” and “Stamie’s doing a stand up every Thursday” written in my DNA and i can sleep tight!

    I also know that Nikki’s loaded with money and she wants to spend it to a Nirvana Jewish Wedding, that is not even recognized by the State.

    What the F*#ck?

    At least i have my weekly recap on Autostraddle! Thank you girls!!

  4. so, I wasn’t aware that it was so damn hard to define lesbian sex. how ’bout this? if you’re female and trying for an orgasm with one or more chicks, then you’re having lesbian sex.

    now that i got that outta the way. i possibly love the recaps more than the actual show. it’s a shame whitney’s so annoying, because she’s really ‘effing cute.

  5. When I went to The Luxor, there was no pool table. Temples, grave chambers and buildings from before Time, however, were present.

    I’m never going to Las Vegas. I feel like my esthetics center never would make a full recovery,

  6. the “if its not penetration its not sex” comment made me so goddamn mad and was probably pieced together so that all the straight dudes watching the show feel great about their nasty schlongs. not all dykes like penetration. my girlfriend and i BOTH don’t like it, and we give each other multiple orgasms almost every night. shit, it’s like the show went back to 1950 when no one knew what a CLITORIS was. to me, sex=ORGASMS, achieved with one or more partners! my answer to any stupid ass who asks me what lesbians do in bed is “have orgasms rather than fake them and then get a urinary tract infection the way most straight girls do.”

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