If you’ve ever wondered why PSAs are typically no more than 30 to 60 seconds long, you should watch this episode of Glee.
If you’ve ever lost sleep over the dangers of texting-while-driving, you should watch this episode of Glee.
If you enjoy long mediocre auto-tuned musical numbers performed by a group of boys you don’t care about in outfits that are so 2009, you would really like this episode of Glee.
If you prefer a wink and a nod over a hug and a kiss, you should watch this entire season of Glee!
If you want to hang yourself from the ceiling, you should watch this episode of Glee!
Mhm, yup, although I’m typically a bastion of unconditional compassion, sympathy and tolerance on the gay teen suicide issue — this episode was so bad that I cannot maintain that standard and I will most likely be making fun of suicide!
Here’s why: in their review for The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Brandy Howard had the following to say, directed at David Fincher: “I’m not gonna let you make me feel — make me think I saw something that made me feel something because I had to watch a small girl get sodomized.” Soooo… Ryan Murphy, listen up: I’m not gonna let you make me feel — make me think I saw something that made me feel something because I had to watch a gay teenager hang himself.
Also I’d like to remind you that I’ve been through the psychological ringer myself, so to speak, and therefore I am permitted by the Laws of Comedy to make as many jokes about it as I want to. And to be honest, I feel obligated to. This is our territory, this topic, upon which mainstream media is frightened to unpack lest they Offend the Gays. I respect that, I really do, and I have a job to do here too, and I’m gonna do it. Despite Glee’s homosexual staff, the story they told this week rang as hollow and simplistic as the stories mainstream news outlets often churn out about actual gay teen suicide victims. It was stupid and ridiculous.
Gay teen suicide stories demand a reverence that silences nuance in favor of simple stories with easy messages, and I think that style enabled dramatic and hugely beneficial cultural change for the first year or so following Summer 2010’s suicide “epidemic,” but I think things like this episode of Glee are doing us a disservice now.
So, on that ENORMOUSLY CHEERFUL note — let’s begin!
So, we open in Java the Hut, where Kurt & Rachel are attempting to innocently consume frothy beverages and talk about themselves when Sebastian the Evil Gay shows up to shove forward his plan to eliminate New Directions from Regionals with befuddling velocity and absurdity.
“We can’t come here anymore,” says Kurt, when Sebastian the Evil Gay shows up. “I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SAFE SPACE!” he screams with his eyes.
Yup, Sebastian’s just graduated from the Apple Store’s Photoshop Seminar and is super-duper proud of himself for learning how to photoshop Finn’s face onto somebody else’s naked body!
Sebastian threatens to spread said artistic statement web-wide unless Rachel drops out of Regionals — okay, I’m sorry, I need a time out already.
Time Out #1:
Listen, we suspend our disbelief for this show quicker than we remove our pants and switch into sweatpants after a long day of work/trip to the grocery store, but this Sebastian-Slaughtering-Glee situation — like so much of what gets ground into lentil-loaf and dished into our parched gullets every week on this show — is completely fucking ridiculous!
So, Sebastian, an adolescent male enrolled at a prestigious boy’s prep school, literally sends another choir-boy (Blaine), a former student of said prep school, to the hospital by throwing a cup of ROCKS at his FACE, damaging said choirboy’s actual EYEBALL.
However William insists the New-Fangled Directions have little recourse because nobody at Dalton truly cares, and we all suspect the class’s entire convo about the incident only exists to set up Artie’s “we’re not gonna take it anymore!” speech which consequently serves to set up Artie’s next musical number. That musical number was pretty awesome but nevertheless William left us all befuddled by both Dalton and his own unprofessional, child-neglect-y response to unspeakable and honestly terrifying violence. No private school administrator would allow a slimy douchebag who pre-meditatively spiked a Slushee with rocks in order to assault another teenager to attend his school. Sebastian is a bona-fide risk to the other students! Limaohio.com would be all over this!
Not only is throwing rocks at someone’s face actual physical assault — and Blaine would’ve been offered the chance to file a police report during his trip to the ER, mind you — it’s not prep-school behavior, it’s not any school behavior. It’s actually pathological and if this show was even in the same galaxy as “real life” (and I think this show does want to remain in real life’s galaxy, if not its immediate orbit or seven furious suns), Sebastian would’ve been expelled from that school lickity split or at the very least suspended, reprimanded, or put on some kind of pebble-free probation.
And then AND THEN! This episode, when Sebastian threatens to cyberbully Finn with doctored photos of Finn’s naked body — which is so novel, I mean, really, I bet everybody would’ve been like “OH MY GOD IT’S ACTUALLY FINN” and I’m also dying to know who Sebastian blew at Google because his confidence regarding instant SEO mastery is a bit unnervingly inaccurate — and the Glee kids take this ish to class, William claims he reported it to Dalton, Blaine insists they’re gonna do nothing about it (WHAT?!!) and William says “You guys are just gonna have to deal with things like this!”
Unlike Kevin’s roll-off into the Wonderful World of Michael & Janet Jackson’s “SCREAM,” however, this scene isn’t a musical number set-up, though it does provide Rachel an opp to mention that she’s performing at Regionals regardless and won’t “negotiate with terrorists.”
Finn, apparently also smoking the crack that convinced William that Rachel dropping out of Regionals is the one & only way to stop Sebastian from going mini-viral, is appalled that Rachel’s unwilling to throw her dreams aside in order to protect Finn’s penis issues. Slow-clap for Rachel, though, seriously. It’s almost like she was… Rachel. For just one moment in time.
Next up, Sue initiates a convo with Quinn in Sue’s office about pregnancy because Sue is pregnant now because this show takes place in the same world where Major Magic was born. Quinn recommends Saltines and lollipops.
These are my notes for the next scene:
2. oh god gay bullying story
a) a graphic of some kind
b) borrrrinnnnggggggg this is boring, nobody has even ever sang a song
So, pull out your party hats, peons, ’cause your favorite character Karofsky is back for an extended run!
Yup! See, Karofsky got “outed” last week at The Breadsticks Garden when Joey McJock spotted him with Kurt, who is essentially a burning bush when it comes to gay association. Despite Kurt’s attempt to cover for Karofsky, Joey McJock apparently spilled the beans to everyone at this new school we’re so desperately interested in, and now his teammates have done a little anti-gay graffiti art on the lockers of Karofsky and his (probably gay) alphabetical locker-mates.
Now, what happens next is monumentally confusing. See, in episode 307, “I Kissed a Girl and Riese Hated It,” Finn outed Santana (eventually on public television) to SAVE her life, but here Karofsky is outed (in school) and it completely destroys his life immediately. I guess girls just don’t count.
Meanwhile, Blaine is wailing some song for some abstract reason I’ve since forgotten, but I believe it’s called “Cough Syrup,” which reminds me of when I used to drink a bottle of cough syrup every night for demented/depressive reasons and also The Carter Documentary.
Blaine’s number is intercut with Karofsky making his bed, changing his outfit and playing with his business belt.
Then Karofsky starts rearranging his furniture or, really, just his chair. Probably is gonna change a lightbulb or something. Oh, whoops, JK! He’s gonna kill himself!
Womp-WOMP!
Next up is an unbearable staff meeting re: Karofsky, which I unfortunately was unable to watch because I’m over the age limit for not barfing during this scene, which I believe is 13 or whenever it is that kids become literate these days.
Okay though, just one thing — Figgins tells the teachers they’ve gotta take immediate action to prevent “cluster suicide” (aka “The Werther Effect,” named for The Sorrows of Young Werther, a Goethe novel about a “massive wave of emulation suicides after a widely publicized suicide”), which’d be meta if Figgins didn’t completely miss the mark in his interpretation of how, precisely, to prevent such a thing — while it’s true that increased consciousness, support and empathy from school administration will do worlds to help other kids at risk, that’s not specifically what’s at stake with The Werther Effect.
“Copycat suicide” happens when a person emulates someone else’s suicide based on knowledge gleaned about that suicide from television or the media. “Cluster suicides” happen when a well-known suicide, aka a “suicide contagion,” spreads throughout a school system, community or, where celebrities or other public figures are concerned, nationally. Wikipedia notes that “to prevent this type of suicide, it is customary in some countries for the media to discourage suicide reports except in special cases.”
Just simmer on that for a bit, k? Just absorb this episode and simmer on that.
We cut to The God Squad, where Quinn points out that “what [Karofsky] did was selfish, he didn’t just want to hurt himself, he wanted to hurt everyone around him. I went through the ringer, but I never got to that place.” It’s a relevant point to discuss but this is Glee, so let’s twist it around and eat it and spit it out and then have Kurt cry all over it and then let’s have Mercedes put her unfortunate hat on it and then it can go to the courtyard singing a song called “I Wish I Was a Relevant Point” to the tune of The Little Rascals’ “I Have Two Pickles.”
‘Cause hey-o, Kurt pops in to God Squad to play Oppression Olympics with Quinn!
Kurt: “Quinn, please. Sure you had a baby when you were 16 and you had a bad dye job for two weeks but seriously? The world never stopped loving you. And you’re going to Yale, you have no idea what Karofsky is going through.”
Quinn: “You really want to try to compare —”
Kurt: “– the despair, the self-loathing.”
Quinn: “I just can’t imagine things getting so messed up that you would take your own life.”
Kurt: “That is so harsh and reductive. Have some compassion. Do you know they’re still writing on his facebook? Better luck next time and try, try again?”
Say what you will about Finn’s penis but his step-brother’s got some serious balls, declaring himself Champion of the Oppression Shot-Put against not only Quinn, but a black woman and a really nice guy whose family was evicted from their home last season. Furthermore, having made it through the death of his mother and some serious anti-gay bullying himself, Kurt’s lack of perspective and apparent need to project his own sense of guilt onto everyone else in the world is, surprise, inconsistent w/r/t his character! But cheers to Chris Colfer for giving it his all, seriously.
You can watch the rest of this scene, or you can read this article, it’s the real-life version of the PSA they’re clumsily putting on right now.
Back in the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, Finn lets Rachel know that despite his upcoming three-inch scandal, he’s not planning on killing himself, and Rachel affirms she too plans to remain alive.
Then they decide to get married ASAP, like right after Regionals on Saturday, because life is too short and it’s only a matter of time before Rachel wakes up, sees Finn lying next to her, and shoots them both in the face.
Finn: “But wait… what if we lose?”
Rachel: “I thought we agreed I was singing on Saturday.”
Okay, high five to Rachel. High five.
Back at Java the Hut, the gang meets up with Sebastian the Evil Gay, but before Santana can truly lay the smack down, Sebastian lays the boring melodramatic crap down.
The Warblers will be dedicating their performance to Dave Karofsky, says Sebastian the Suddenly Sanctimonious Gay, which I’m sure will make Karofsky feel 100% better about everything, what a meaningful gesture, and The Warblers will be “taking donations for Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation” at Regionals and so, um, a tip of the hat to you, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.
Sebastian reveals that he was an asshole to Karofsky at a bar and therefore “it’s all fun and games, until it’s not.” I’d argue scarring someone’s retina is also “not fun and games,” but I could argue and argue and argue all night with this show and never get off, so!
It’s a cheap moment in a bargain-basement episode — Sebastian, who thus far has acted like a complete sociopath, is suddenly inspired by Karofsky’s attempted suicide to retcon himself? Really? If this episode is a 60-minute PSA — and it is — it’s a lousy one so far. Want to transform a sociopath into an angel, all ye bullied children of America? TRY AND KILL YOURSELF. That’ll show ’em!
Sebastian and those like him should stop bullying because it’s mean. Because it’s unkind to torture the living. Because without compassion we are animals, because without compassion we are sociopaths, because without compassion we may as well be dead.
Oh, by the way! Santana — also gay, also a bully once-upon-a-time, also suffering presently ’cause her grandmother has banished her, also the victim of an unwilling outing on a public stage — has nothing to say about this, because the writers of this show have no earthly idea what to do with women’s stories!
William arrives at class with a tub of peanut butter. See, Irish Breakfast has never tasted peanut butter in his entire life! Luckily, Irish Breakfast is still alive and therefore can eat peanut butter. But, had Irish Breakfast killed himself for some reason, he never would’ve made it to this day where he’s being spoon-fed peanut butter by a curly-haired Barbie Sweet Talking Ken Doll in a cardigan. You follow?
This segues — awkwardly, in case you’re wondering — into a really GRIPPING conversation about how life is worth living!
As William relates his own near-death experience following an adolescent incident in which he was caught cheating on a test, I remove both my eyeballs from my skull with a wine opener, smash them into bits and insert what’s left of them into my eyesockets, then break a glass plate over my head.
Then I watch that suicide-convo scene in The Breakfast Club that knocks this entire season out of the water, and return to witness William’s Game of “things I’m looking forward to” aka “reasons not to kill myself.”
I’ve decided to sugarcoat this scene for you via animated gifs.+
Q: What are you looking forward to, chitlins?
Sam: “Someday I wanna make enough money to buy my parents a new house so they don’t ever have to go through losing their home again.”
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Mercedes: “I’m most looking forward to meeting Rachel Berry’s children.”
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Artie: “I wanna be there to see my kid’s first steps.”
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Sugar: “I wanna be there to see Sex and the City Part III.”
FOUR FOR YOU, SUGAR MOTTA, FOUR PARTS OF SEX AND THE CITY FOR YOU.
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Puck: “I’m sorta embarrassed to admit it, but I really do wanna graduate high school.”
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Finn: “I’m gonna petition the army to change my dad’s dishonorable discharge status to an honorable one.”
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Quinn: “I’m looking forward to graduating from Yale at the top of my class.”
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Santana: “I’m looking forward to the day when my grandmother loves me again.”
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Brittany: “I want Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction.”
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Blaine: “I’m looking forward to marriage equality in all 50 states.”
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Mike: “I’m looking forward to the first time I dance at Carnegie Hall.”
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Tina: “I just want a song.”
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Kurt: “I’m looking forward to watching my Dad make a difference in Congress.”
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Rachel: “I’m looking forward to being friends with all of you for the rest of my life.”
Irish Breakfast says he sure does love the peanut butter, but that he’s mostly looking forward to Winning Regionals. YAYAYYAYAY! Regionals!!!
All this being said, peanut butter can truly make life worth living. (Also: melted cheese)
And… cut to The Dave Karofsky Born This Way Legendary Fund Regionals Celebration! This year’s judges, epically unqualified as per ushe, include District Zoning Commissioner Melba Jackson-Wright, President of the Ohio Plumbers Union Local 109 Harl Beindorf and Central Ohio’s number one late-night horror movie host, Svengoobles! That’s a direct transcription, by the way, I didn’t make that up.
The anxious children take their seats and we’re then immediately treated to at least three days worth of The Warblers, fronted by Sebastian the Sanctimonious Gay, slaughtering/performing two songs I’ve never heard before and hopefully will never hear again. The message, however, comes in loud and clear: You’re Number One! You Can Make it Through The Rain! Believe In Yourself!
Sebastian the Sanctimonious Gay is swimming so deep in the “who the fuck cares about this dipshit” swamp that I can barely hear him sing, but his teeth are lighting up my room!
Finn, always a go-to guy for Asinine Gestures of Faux-Compassion, shows his support for Blaine’s assaulter and reverence for Karofsky’s near-death by calling upon all his limbs and organs to assemble themselves into human form and then haul Finn’s head into a standing position and then start clapping his hands together and cheering.
“Why are you cheering your competition?” inquires an extra, and Finn exaltedly replies: “life’s too short!” Yup, apparently Finn’s uncovered the Golden Key to Happiness, “life is too short to remain seated.” Mhm. Tell that to Artie, asshole.
Following that exercise in aural hot water torture and about 20 seconds of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow’s operatic number which to be honest I truly enjoyed, we slip backstage where Puck is Glambertizing his eyeballs and Finn and Rachel are getting antsy that nobody has talked about them for at least three minutes.
William almost launches into a pre-game pep-talk but then predictably turns the mike over to Finn, who pep-talks the team by…
…talking about himself!
Finn: “After the competition, Rachel and I are gonna get married… with everything that’s happened lately, we thought a lot about what Mr. Schue said, we didn’t wanna wait any more, we just want to live every day like it’s our last.”
Yup, when William imparted upon his wise pupils that there’s so much passion and sandwich spreads ahead of them in their long long super-long mega-long lives, Finn heard “life’s too short, time to get married!”
I liked Rachel way better before she became a total fucking idiot. Or, as it was so eloquently pointed out this week in The Atlantic:
“The pending nuptials are an affront to viewers who have respected and followed these two characters’ arcs. There’s no way that a teenager as level-headed and driven as Rachel would sidetrack her life in this way, nor would a person as grounded as Finn be delusional enough to think marriage is a good idea. It’s a bizarre, soap operatic twist for a show that had stopped being a primetime soap and has instead, for better or worse, embraced its status as a teen drama modeled after ’90s after school specials.”
Anyhow, sensing the team’s emotional pliability in the wake of Karofsky’s Attempted Suicide, Finn and Rachel attempt to now guilt-trip the team re: attending their obnoxious “tasteful” ceremony (Rachel Berry, my princess, we both know a girl like you would not settle for appetizers at a courthouse! What have you done with the real Rachel Berry and when will she return with a plan involving Southampton and the cast of Fiddler on the Roof?)at the Justice of the Peace after Regionals.
Rachel blathers about how much she prefers the people who supported her stupid decision over the people who pointed out that she was making a stupid decision, which allows for a psychologically weighted shot of Quinn looking conflicted to enable another round of easily-assembled Faberry gif montages.
Somewhere in a better land/season far far away from here, Jesse St. James is shaking his head in despair, “Finn, Finn, Finn, you don’t bring a team together by talking about your silly dream of marrying a woman seventy thousand times more talented, attractive and intelligent than you are. The pre-game pep-talk is about giving the people a dream they can achieve — a dream they can achieve both because that dream actually involves them and because that dream is possible.”
Smear to the Performance Dome, where the New Directions Self Esteem Songs Show begins with a mediocre group number which again begs the question, “If you must make some random male New Directiontoid rap every single episode, why do you keep exclusively adding more and more white guy New Directiontoids to this cast?” But good effort, Blaine! And thank you, G-d, for letting Santana handle some of the rapping this time, bravo.
Then Santana graces us all with her talent, skill and beauty for “What Doesn’t Kill You (Stronger)”, backed up by the eminently superior goddesses of The Troubletones.
Even Brittany gets a solo this time!
This is followed by a Rachel Berry number, “Here’s To Us,” during which Rachel’s Dads’ eyes well up with the most genuine tears this episode sheds. They’re so throughly beaming with pride for their little girl and, I imagine, trembling in fear about her upcoming marriage to a Grain Elevator.
At the performance’s end everybody cheers maniacally, including Sebastian the Sanctimonious Gay and His Preachy Choir-Boy Backup Singers, and bla bla bla it’s time for the results! Bring out the Judges!
Who’s it gonna be?
Guess what?
SURPRISE! The New Directions win Regionals, probs ’cause they were the best. But now that they’ve won Regionals, what will they talk about? Oh! Nationals. Then, I hope, Worldinals. Then Galaxyinals. Then hopefully they’lll talk about Karofsky some more.
We cut to Sue’s Lair of Gold-Plated Glory, where she’s summoned Quinn for a little lady-to-lady ladytime.
“Quinn, thanks for coming,” says Sue Sylvester. “I know you must be exhausted from singing all those ooohs and background ahhhs,” Sue says (wink! nod!). She continues that, on account of either Quinn’s stunning performance or Karofsky The Magical Fruit’s Incredible Hanging Act, Sue’s heart swelled so big that she’s decided to let Quinn back on the Cheerios.
Smear to the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, where Quinn — now in her cheerleading outfit — runs into Rachel so Glee can wink/nod at Faberry shippers and play off of the obvious chemistry between these two characters without actually intending to follow through on any of this innuendo, ever:
Quinn: “Hey, how do I look? Coach Sylvester gave it to me earlier and I couldn’t resist.”
Rachel: “I’m glad you’re happy. Everybody deserves to be happy.”
Quinn: “When you were singing that song, you were singing it to Finn and only Finn, right? He really does make you so happy? I wanna support you Rachel, and Finn, and come to the wedding if it’s not too late.”
Oh Lord Have Mercy on our merciful souls. But really, of all the improbable things that happen on this show and even in this very episode, it’s quite sad that chances are strong this’ll remain an eternal tease, just like an eternal flame. Am I burning an eternal flame? Good question.
The Neverending Story of This Day plows forward with the inevitable Kurt-visits-Karofsky-in-the-hospital scene we’ve been dreading since Karofsky took off his belt.
Kurt: “I’m really happy that you’re alive, David.”
Karofsky: “Me too….”
Oh sweet Jesus. Enough, enough! I cannot endure 43 minutes and 55 godforsaken seconds of this episode patting its own back with a heavy hand, jam-packing a tonally disorganized script already full-to-the-brim with allegedly major events like Regionals and “The Finchel Wedding” with lame preachy pandering and exploitation of a serious subject. The serious subject, by the way, isn’t suicide, the serious subject is homophobia! This episode assumes that ’cause we’re saddened by the true deaths of boys we never knew, that we’ll feel similarly affected by the near-death of a fictional tertiary character. The writers are leaning on tragedy to provoke an inevitable emotional response without doing the actual legwork to get us there.
Furthermore, this whole storyline wastes time during which Santana and Brittany could legitimately be improving the lives of young lesbians in the Midwest by making out. I know that sounds like a joke but I’m serious.
I don’t buy Karofsky going this route (and surely he of all people recognizes the root of many bully’s actions aren’t as simple as they seem) and it’s lazy to imply anyone who endures a day of bullying and is rejected by a boy he had a crush on is likely to attempt suicide. It glosses over the serious mental health issues and other compounding factors at the heart of most suicides (like the media did with Eric James Borges, Joseph Jefferson, Raymond Chase and Tyler Clementi) and in its attempt to create open dialogue, suggests that suicide is a reasonable response to internalized homophobia and somebody writing “FAG” on your locker. Bullying fucks people up big time, and that’s reason enough to stop it, we shouldn’t need death anymore to make that point (though we did, once, and I think that point was made and did indeed change the world). In fact, Glee itself handled the issue brilliantly with Kurt’s storyline last season, and this is a sloppy step backwards.
It’s lazy and dangerous for the show to hold Kurt accountable for ignoring Karofsky’s calls after Karofsky — Kurt’s former bully — had romantically pursued Kurt despite knowing he had a boyfriend and predictably been rejected by Kurt (because Kurt had a boyfriend). Although maybe I’m just saying that because the “if you don’t [date me/kiss me/come over/answer my calls] I’m gonna kill myself” line is WAY overused in teenage relationships to the point that it’s become an endlessly howling wolf reverberating through decades of torrid romances, serving to silence those real legitimate cases where attention is needed. And let me tell you when you get the call that your ex, the one you’ve talked to every day except for that one day, really has tried to kill herself and is in the hospital, it feels nothing like this episode, or any of those empty threats ever did.
We get about three seconds of Karofsky’s Dad crying, and then 43 minutes and 25 seconds of people he barely knew changing their entire personalities and life plans in his honor. If only Lady Gaga had dedicated a concert to him, then this episode’s glamorization of suicide would’ve been complete!
Anyhow, let’s get back to it, shall we?
Karofsky: “I made your life a living hell for months, when the same thing happened to me I couldn’t bear it for a week. My supposed best friend telling me he never wants to talk to me again, my Mom telling me that I have a disease, maybe I can be cured, I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back to that school.”
Kurt: “Then go to another school. I’m not gonna lie to you, it’s not gonna be easy, and they’ll be some days when life just sucks. But you’re gonna get through this, ’cause I’m gonna help you, and so is everyone else who loves you and accepts you for who you are. And if they can’t accept that then screw ’em, right?”
Now they’re gonna be friends! Yay attempted suicide! I will spare you the part where Kurt makes Karofsky close his eyes and imagine being a sports agent with a baby, because I spared myself that part by folding my humanoid figure into the following shape:
Cut to the Justice of the Peace where Hiram and the ‘rents are slapping together a plan to stop the wedding besides just, you know, executing their power as guardians of financially dependent children to stop the wedding. AHEM, may I quote Ohio Legal Services:
“A woman under the age of 18 years, but over 16 years of age, must obtain the consent of both her parents to the marriage in order to enter into a valid marriage with a man.”
Meanwhile, Rachel and Finn check each other out in their wedding get-ups, which is too gross for me to truly discuss. Then Quinn texts Rachel that she’s picking up her bridesmaids dress and will be slightly late as she must stop by the Magic Shop, which so kindly threw together some fairy dust, warlock and rayon and weaved it into a gown during that two hour grace period between Quinn agreeing to attend the wedding and the wedding itself.
Meanwhile, Santana, Brittany and Tina are getting antsy and bored because of the patriarchy and Glee’s inability to recognize that gay females are gay people too — maybe that’s just me actually, probably Brittany is thinking about Laffy Taffy, Santana is thinking about Brittany’s thighs, and Tina is thinking about her One Song Glory.
The teenagers sulk in a bizarre holding room borrowed from the Dalton Academy set as the parents panic:
Hiram: “New plan — I’m gonna fake an eplileptic seizure.”
Leroy: “But you’re not an epileptic.”
Hiram: “That’s why I’m gonna fake it.”
They truly are the actual best, and I wish they’d been here all along — they could’ve been fantastic mentors to Rachel’s BFF, Kurt, as well as constant comic and emotional relief for the rest of us.
Anyhow, so Rachel wants to hold up the wedding ’cause she absolutely cannot marry Finn unless Quinn is there, because she is in love with Quinn like how Mona is in love with Hanna.
So they text back and forth a lot, like OMG WHERE ARE YOU and OMG WHERE ARE YOU?!! and so forth, and Finn is like, let’s just do it, we’ve got two minutes before the jam-packed justice of the peace kicks our asses out the door in favor of marrying some alternate, invisible couple!
Rachel: “She said she’d be here, I don’t wanna start without her.”
And so Quinn is reading Rachel’s texts of panic with the confusion of someone still confused about Rachel’s claim that she’s actually planning to marry Finn…
“It’s now or never,” says Finn. Rachel texts! Quinn starts to text!
AND THEN!
THEN Quinn gets T-Boned by a pickup truck!
YUP! A truck smashes right into that car, we fade to black, Glee font promises this delight will “be continued…” and… the end.
So, what the fuck was this fuckery, motherfuckers?
Comments
Did anyone else catch the date and time of that message? They obviously didn’t in the editing room aka the dream world where Ryan Murphy lives.
ha! i didn’t until you mentioned it. i didn’t know the justice of the peace kept such romantic hours
The best part is that the clock actually said 5 minutes to 5.
I have no fucking idea.
This show has violated so many rules on my Oh No-No List.
A++ reference. Dear god, was this show a train wreck.
And yet, I can’t cut it loose because for some unfathomable reason I want to know how this shit ends.
My sentiments exactly! Once Santittany graduates, I’ll more than likely be dunzo.
Ian, is that you?
“…trembling in fear about her upcoming marriage to a Grain Elevator.”
That’s not fair. A grain elevator is at least uplifting.
*ba-dum*
Also to further your point:
Rachel: Suddenly wants nothing more than to get married
Sue: Suddenly wants nothing more than to get pregnant
Quinn: Got her shit together and is going to Yale so obviously, death and/or coma coming
Santana: Given token coming out episode wherein the noble white guy saves her ass
Brittany: Apparently invisible
Tina: Also apparently invisible
Sugar: Admittedly awesome but totally vapid
This, ladies and gentleladies, is what the “Glee” writers think of female characters.
Not to mention Beiste, whose season two storyline revolved around her looks and whose season three storyline focused entirely on a dude/fighting over a dude/marrying a dude. And Emma, who had that really amazing, powerful moment in the Born This Way ep and starts dealing with her shit, and then after that, every single scene she’s in is all about Will.
RIGHT. And I left out Mercedes (like the show!) – whose storyline has also revolved around which man will she chooooose?
Yeah I’ve really hated what they’ve done with Beiste, I thought they wasted a great opportunity with her
Glee is single-handedly proving why the Bechdel test is still relevant.
Jesus Christ you are so right it’s PAINFUL.
“I want Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction.”
That & Brittana singing together in those dresses was the only good to come out of this TERRIBLE episode.
Is that ending a joke? I honestly can’t tell anymore.
Also my Quinn hate is now astronomical.
I just don’t even know what else to say about this fuckery so here’s some incoherent yelling: THERE’S NO FOOD IN IRELAND YOU GUYS DID YOU KNOW THAT QUICK SOMEONE GET STRAIGHT MARRIED IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY
Why do I keep watching this show? Why??
I feel like it’s like compulsively checking your refrigerator every five minutes – no there’s not going to be any new food in there and no Glee is not actually going to deliver on it’s potential for depth and meaningfulness.
Lol for truth–I’ve tried to stop doing the fridge thing because if I’m that hungry I should just cook and/or go grocery shopping already, and with this episode I’m finally done with Glee too. I have a super high tolerance for bad TV as long as I’m entertained, but after this I don’t think I’ll be entertained anymore. As soon as I heard what happens in this episode I decided I’m done.
imagine having to use what actually IS in your refrigerator to make a meal though every single week, that’s what recapping is like (and all the haters downthread are welcome to order a pizza)
Also, am I the only one that’s a little uncomfortable with the fact that the Irish kid is pretty much a walking stereotype?
You’re right!
Every other character has so much depth and dimension. Thats’s glee’s strongest aspect I would say.
#sartalics
You’re right but I’m British and I have Irish friends… this is exactly what’s wrong with the US’s perception of Europe. Ireland isn’t some backward land where boys called Seamus get bells attached to them…
…and the US’ perception of girls and lesbians and latinas…
You’re not the only one. It’s the most irritating thing, especially given that I AM Irish and you can pretty much get peanut butter everywhere here.
Shhh you’re ruining my image of the Irish as food-deprived people who wear only green and pretend to be leprechauns to get into girl’s panties!
I dont know what Heather is talking about…sure we havent had peanut butter here since the great peanut famine of ’48. We’ve since crafted a poor substitute from potatoes and whiskey, but it’s just not the same. Anyway….enough of this sadness, im off out to pretend to be a leprechaun to get any attractive American ladies I meet to sleep with me….sure just an average Saturday night here! :-D
I lol’d XD
Sooo..What would it take for you to send me some of those whiskey’d potatoes?
Word. I am moving to Ireland and leaving a peanut-butter-filled life behind for a better one with whiskey’d potatoes.
Thing is, most American ladies would probably put out simply because of the whole Irish accent thing.
Seriously it doesn’t take much, we’re total accent sluts over here.
*Note to self: Work on accent for A-Camp
So basically all id have to do is turn up at a gay lady bar in the States speaking loudly and carrying jars of my now-patented whiskey’d potatoes ™ to be in with a shot with someone….fantastic! I wish I was going to A-Camp now, I could give tutorials in making any food item alcoholic and in how to speak with an accent.
1) Listen up ladies..When Lou shows up at the gay lady bar in the States with her whiskey’d potatoes™, take a number and the line forms behind me
2) I would totally take that tutorial at A-Camp
3) I will happily be the state-side distributor of Lou’s Whiskey’d Potatoes™
We’ll be rich….you can start the promotional work at A-Camp and I can come to the next camp, assuming there is one, and I can test your theory of women lining up….i’m pretty sure they’ll only want me for my whiskey’d potatoes™, but we’ll see won’t we! :-)
Deal! Printing up marketing material for Lou’s Whiskey’d Potatoes™ to distribute at A-Camp..But I’m not doing it for the money..I’m doing it as a service to society..And for the women, of course..They can want me for Lou’s Famous Whiskey’d Potatoes™..I’ll take what I can get..I’m not proud…Flowers..Candy..Lou’s World Famous Whiskey’d Potatoes™..Whatever gets me in the door
Amazing….great work! Until then, something to tide you over… http://www.bzesty.com/?p=872 I literally just Googled it and that’s what came up! :) (Jaysus, this has gone very far off the Glee topic it’s supposed to be about…oh well!)
Indeed..But that recipe has filled me with Glee and that will have to suffice..And the photo has it garnished with a fucking graham cracker! It’s like..you’re inside my head ♥
I AM IRISH AND I HAVE NEVER TASTED ANYTHING THAT WASN’T A POTATO OR A TURNIP, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
/sarcasm
Last night I drank Guinness for the first time and felt really excited for being a good Irish person and fulfilling my stereotypes.
Gotta admit, I laughed when the truck hit Quinn cause it’s just so ridiculous (also it looked like she was reenacting the opening scenes from the Prince & Me)
I DID TOO! I totally burst out laughing, like omg, REALLY?!! amazing.
There are some things that I greatly disagree with in this article.
1.
“”If you must make some random male New Directiontoid rap every single episode, why do you keep exclusively adding more and more white guy New Directiontoids to this cast?” But good effort, Blaine!”
Blaine and Darren are. not. white.
2.
Dave had a lot of internal guilt and self-hatred. I’m in no way a Kurtofsky shipper or a fan of Dave in general, but let’s be real: self-hatred and internal guilt are pretty significant, weighing issues. And the fact that his mom wants to now send him to a de-gaying camp? It’s not hard to realize why he broke and attempted suicide. I’m not excusing his bullying in any way, but let’s make sure we look at all of the details.
3.
I don’t think they tried to have everyone in the show change their personalities in response to Dave’s suicide attempt. I think they were realizing how much they didn’t pay attention – they bought into the “he was in the football team and the popular kid, he must be fine” mentality. Even if someone I *loathed* attempted suicide, I would still be sad and feel for the person.
4.
The faking an epileptic seizure comment? Not funny, and side-eyeing anyone who thinks it was funny.
I disagree with your entire comment. but i don’t think there’s a fight to be had. some people will see it one way, and some people will see it another way. you’re filling in a lot of blanks. that’s fine. we all do that. but maybe recognize that we all have a perspective and there’s no right or wrong. but your need to be combative feels provocative in a way that makes me uncomfortable.
“combative” LOL at me disagreeing with this article as being ~combative and ~provocative. Okay. Sure.
I never said anything was WRONG with this article. I said that there are some things that I greatly disagree with. Big difference.
blaine is white and darren is half filipino just like santana is hispanic and naya is half black. also, I don’t think it’s hard to understand how he could have attempted suicide, but the show didn’t show that to us at all. he had five minutes of screen time in between being content and happy in The First Time and attempting suicide in On My Way. it’s cheap storytelling.
Not to be that person but Blaine is also half-filipino or at least he is supposed to be. I remember Rachel having some throwaway line about it last season. Something about Eurasian babies. Naya is Puerto Rican and Black so she still qualifies as Hispanic.
Rachel said they would have “vaguely Eurasian looking babies,” but that does not mean that Blaine has been presented as anything but white in canon, unless they introduce one of his parents as being Asian in the upcoming episode. But seeing as Matt Bomer is playing his older brother, it’s doubtful.
So just because he “appears” as white, he’s automatically white? I don’t think so.
Blaine has never been presented as anything but Caucasian, so I think there’s a fair amount of “white-washing” for Darren.
I agree with you! if you hate the show it’s easy to nitpick and tear it down for all of its faults. This article while it does raise a few good points, is also rather unfair. Santana’s experience was completely different and should not be devalued for what it was. She was out to the glee club and didn’t hate herself for who she was. It took her a while to admit it but she was never at the level of loathing karofsky was at. Also, women generally have a different experience with homosexuality. For one it is more socially for a girl to kiss another girl and her sexuality is kind of put into question. If a guy does the same thing, he is automatically marked as gay. Karofsky is a masculine person in a hyper-masculine environment who is not even close to being ready/ feeling safe enough to come out. Dave is on of my favorite characters and I think his story is done well. We have as much knowledge as Kurt leading up to his attempt so it comes to a shock to us too. We see him periodically throughout the season with glimpses of his transformation from at the bar, where he’s coming to accept himself to breadsticks where he thinks he’s in love with Kurt and finally this episode. We have no reason to constantly see him even though they live in a relatively small area.
I think it’s a bit unfair to say that Kurt’s “got some serious balls, declaring himself Champion of the Oppression Shot-Put against not only Quinn, but a black woman and a really nice guy whose family was evicted from their home last season.” This event has nothing to do with being black, poor, or pregnant so Kurt could have a bit more perspective seeing as how Kurt could have also been where Karofsky was in his mind at some point. As an African American woman, I must say that every experience with any sort of discrimination is different and there is no one experience that people go through. Each of those characters went through something different and are all different people. Basically, my point is that by making blanket statements about the show and how the creator portrays certain things, you begin to exhibit the same faults you accuse Ryan Murphy of having. The show isn’t perfect and there is a level of suspension of belief one must attain to fully watch it but this episode is by far one of the most entertaining and emotional PSA’s I’ve ever seen.
While I agree with you that Santana and Dave’s stories are different, the protest is more in how the SHOW deals with them so differently. Santana was outed before she was ready. It does NOT matter that most of her friends already knew; Finn had no right to say it loudly in the middle of a crowded hallway in a school where homophobia has already been an issue. Not even that, Finn later is touted as the hero who saved Santana from her closeted misery. He never apologizes, and is never reprimanded by ANYone around him despite the fact that his step-brother is gay, and his girlfriend’s dads are gay. In any real world that cares about females, Finn would’ve been called out on his asshole behaviour. But no, Santana thanks him for doing this to her against her will.
Dave, on the other hand, as a white male, gets the best treatment: minimal exposure on the show, but he gets a heartwrenching scene where everything comes crashing down. To be fair, Dave was just as out as Santana – he was visiting gay bars, and interacting with other men while identifying as a “bear cub”. So why is that Santana’s okay to be thrown out of the closet, but Dave is traumatized to the point of suicide when the same is done to him? Answer: it isn’t, and that’s why we’re furious at the sexist double-standard.
And no, with Kurt, the issue wasn’t about being gay. The issue was: “How dark do you have to get before you decide life isn’t worth living?” Kurt’s answer: “Unless you’re gay, you’ll never understand the perils of society that could drive you to kill yourself” which is bullshit. Not to say that Mercedes or Sam are suicidal, but they definitely come from disenfranchised groups in society, and they have their own shit to deal with that has nothing to do with their sexuality. As a Quinn fan, I’m slightly biased in believing that a lot of Quinn’s pain comes from her repressed sexuality, but even without that element to her story, she has been through a LOT of horror that could easily lead to suicidal thoughts, so for Kurt to belittle her experience solely because she isn’t openly gay is disgusting.
Santana was NOT out to the Glee club. The Glee club assumed she was a lesbian because of her relationship with Brittany. And she slept around with men because of her loathing for her own lesbianism, so she DID express a self-loathing. And to basically say “it’s harder on boys to be gay” made me roll my eyes so hard I gave myself a headache.
Wait… WHAT :O Darren isn’t white ? So what is he then, blue ?
and sorry but where exactly did you get the info about Dave being sent to de-gaying camp :S
Didn’t Rachel show a picture of her dads in Season 1 (or 2) that showed them as being an interracial couple?
Ryan Murphy, why do you fail at continuity?!
You do realize they are still an interracial couple, right?
Yeah. They cast different actors to the ones in the photo. I guess cause they were able to get bigger-name actors. But Hiram (aka Brian Stokes Mitchell) is African American so, they are an interracial couple.
Drugs.
Hallucinogenic drugs are the only explanation I have for this episode.
sounds like a really bad trip
Sometimes I genuinely think the best way to end the series would be to have Will Schuester wake up and realize this was all just a very specifically bad dream. So maybe if he just found out he was dropping acid it would work just as well?
IDK, man. I just want to take Santana Lopez and Brittany Pierce and put them on a different show at this point. All of the characters, really, but especially those two.
the problem being that i’ve already written one recap as if it was all a dream/acid trip, which means they really have to stop doing this or i’ll run out of devices
http://www.autostraddle.com/glee-psychotic-episode-309-recap-what-a-long-strange-trip-its-been-124513/
Thank you for the gifs. Thank for pointing out that we can hold media (Ryan Murphy) to higher standards for gay and gay related content, and not just be grateful for whatever is thrown to us. Thank you for your lighting hot snark. But mostly, thank you for the gifs.
I was literally on the floor and my parents were staring at me because I was laughing so hard at the one with Santana and the maracas. I’ve seen it before but it just caught me off guard. So funny.
i have read most of your recaps, but this is the first episode i ever actually watched (it was playing during my flight so i was held captive) and it is definitely the last. i seriously was at a loss for words.
but i think that this pretty much sums it up brilliantly –> “We get about three seconds of Karofsky’s Dad crying, and then 43 minutes and 25 seconds of people he barely knew changing their entire personalities and life plans in his honor. If only Lady Gaga had dedicated a concert to him, then this episode’s glamorization of suicide would’ve been complete!”
after watching this episode, i thought about you having to watch ALL of these episodes and having to make something actually intelligible out of them, and i felt more respect for you than ever (which is a lot!!)
Fucking hell. Glee, what is this nonsensery you call a show and also did anyone else have “Teen Suicide (Don’t Do It)” playing in their head while reading this recap?
Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.
I don’t want to take this off topic but since Glee mentioned her…I am so sick of Lady Gaga being the go-to cultural reference for LGBT characters on tv. I know that she’s popular and all, but ugh, it’s annoying. /End rant
I’ll be totally honest, Glee totally succeeded in emotionally manipulating me this episode. But I really find Max Adler to be a compelling actor. I liked Artie’s solo in Fly/I Believe I Can Fly and I quite liked ‘Stronger’. I thought Darren’s vocal performance of ‘Cough Syrup’ was good but his overacting ruined it.
The Finchel stuff *groan* Loved the GIFS in this recap. They’re all so apt and amazing.
sorry for this off-topic rant, but i totally agree, AJS, about Lady Gaga being the primary cultural reference for anything LGBT. even though i am not personally that into her, i totally respect what she does and what she means to some people (even if i sometimes secretly think that some of it is marketing based).
with that said, every time the mainstream media covers any story about gay bullying or suicide, they cite her as an example of “high profile people who are trying to stop it” or they will say that “this suicide case is now getting some high profile attention”, or they will show a clip of her in concert talking about gay acceptance or quote her talking about the need for an anti-bullying law.
all of that is fine, and it is great that she is an advocate, but as riese said about this episode, it way simplifies it. they act like in order for gay suicides to have any cultural relevance or to actually move people to change their behavior, a pop star has to be the one to influence it, it is not worth the coverage on its own. then they just show clips of “it gets better videos” or lady gaga speaking at the national equality march or even a clip of glee and then its over, as if having these few cultural tokens is enough.
nothing that the today show or abc news can broadcast in a 3 minute clip will ever do any of these topics justice or will be able to explore the deeper issues or influencers (that go beyond gay bashing or being called derogatory terms), but to always have to sprinkle it with trite pop culture references to give it relevancy, is beyond unsettling.
The Born This Way Foundation isn’t even launched yet.
I miss good television with gays. I’m going to go rewatch every episode of Buffy with Willow and Tara in it to regain sanity.
I was going to go with skins series 3 but I think we’re coming from the same place.
I just finished watching series 3 in an attempt to make myself feel better about series 6, and what a complete shitstorm it’s turning out to be.
Along with keeping up this amazingly awesome website, I feel that Riese should also be one of the writers for Glee. Maybe then I could be able to watch a full episode without shaking my head in disappointment.
I haven’t actually watched the episode yet, nor have I read further than the 3rd picture… but I would just like to say thank you Riese, for ruining my love of Orange Roughy. I even ate it for dinner tonight and now that you’ve gone and associated it with Finn’s body I really do feel like throwing up. That’ll learn me for eating a dangerously over-fished fish…
This is so wrong… I don’t even… gah…
Anyways, why do they have to fuck up Quinn’s life, or in this case (maybe) kill her? She was getting her life back on track, and now this?
Why this show hate women?!
…because Ryan Murphy hates women, and faberry, and brittanna, and secretly crushes on hudson, and happiness, and joy, and puppies and unicorns.
pretty much everything good about life he’s against. i think he’s aiming for the award as the most accurate male knock off of stephanie meyers (a.k.a. super-emo-depressed-angsty-chic-with-super-creepy-fantasies-about-stalkerish-sparkly-vampires)
1) Why does the 3rd place team always get so excited when there were only 3 teams in the competition?
2) Why do the New Directions always get to perform more songs than the other teams?
3) Have Rachel’s dads never seen her perform?
4) Most importantly: can we just get a Santana spin-off so I don’t have to watch this show anymore?
2) I don’t think ND performs more songs, I think the show runners just show us more of their songs. I think in season one they mentioned every team performs three songs at the competitions.
3) That is EXACTLY what I kept thinking. There’s no way her dads wouldn’t have been at every performance she’s ever done given what we know about them. That said, that could just be their reaction every time she performs.
1) there is nothing about regionals/nationals that has ever made sense to me, not ever! three groups? really? and three unqualified judges? like every year they compete against one group we already know, and then some random other group that is totally weird. it’s one of those bizarre wacko-world elements of glee that i think it supposed to be funny but at this point is just weird and confusing and i don’t see how it serves the story at all
I was waiting for the autostraddle recap of this episode forever. BECAUSE THIS!
thank yoou. I recently got into an argument about why glee is just bad with some other gay peeps and they were shocked that i was talking shit about ryan murphy, it was almost blasphemous. also, why are there like only four people in that meeting with the principal, are there not more people on this fictional staff.
you all take this show way too seriously. I personally loved this episodes, and don’t have any issues with it what so ever. As as for attempting suicide after only one day, some people do. Not everyone is the same, so just accept it. Good episode, bad recap.
Thank u vlk finally sumbodii realizes dis episode or the show @ all is horrible
“sumbodii” is going to be the name of the next big Myspace boy band, just you wait and see.
And you just know Taylor Swift will be dating “the cute one”
I mean isnt horrible my bad
#true gleek
I have a lot of feelings bout this episode so I apologize in advance for the length of this.
First of all, when I watched this episode the first time I kept shouting IRRESPONSIBLE THIS IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE in almost every scene. Mr. Schue’s suicide anecdote is ridiculous and trivial and how is anybody supposed to take it seriously?
The scene with Kurt and Quinn is the most offensive thing on the episode I think, and that’s saying something. It is so rich for Kurt to tell Quinn to shut up because getting pregnant at 16, getting kicked out by your parents, giving your baby up for adoption, then dealing with your baby coming back and going into some sort of depression that makes you want to steal your baby back (???), only to lose her again, is, apparently, counterbalanced by the fact she got into Yale and people ‘didn’t stop loving her’ throughout her crazy. And the worst is that I saw Glee giving us both points of view and ultimately trying to manipulate us into empathizing and agreeing with Kurt.
I found myself caring about Karofsky because Max is a great actor, but watching his scenes made me so angry in behalf of Santana’s storyline. Why is it presented to us that being outed and enduring a week of gay bullying is really hard and could lead to suicide when you are a gay guy, but Santana getting outed by Finn, then ON TV and then kicked out of the closet and forced to sing I Kissed A Girl is not only okay but also good for her?
I mourn the death of Rachel’s personality every day, and they can’t even be faithful to this new stupid one. All she has ever wanted and needed this season is Finn, Finn’s sex and Finn’s marriage, so why is she hesitating only because of Quinn, I will never know. I like Faberry but those scenes were weird(er) than usual, yet I think that this time most of it is due to the fact they cut a scene that was on the promo in which the two of them argued about the wedding.
I already knew about the accident, so I wasn’t surprised, but it’s such a cheap cliffhanger. I don’t care about the accident but I care about the outcome, and so far the next episode after the break is dedicated to Blaine and his family. It makes no sense.
I need to stop caring about this stupid show.
‘Why is it presented to us that being outed and enduring a week of gay bullying is really hard and could lead to suicide when you are a gay guy, but Santana getting outed by Finn, then ON TV and then kicked out of the closet and forced to sing I Kissed A Girl is not only okay but also good for her?’
Agreed. You’d expect better. Then again, TLW did exactly the same thing.
When Alice outed that basketball player on her podcast, Tasha yelled at Alice that she may’ve ruined the guy’s life and mentioned to her what the possible consequences of doing that were. Two episodes later when Alice goes on ‘The View’ and outs Niki on national television, Tina, in her talk with Alice, seems much more worried about ‘the movie’ than whether, ya know, immature Niki might go and do something self-destructive. We knew zero about her background or whether her parents knew. And let’s not forget, the oil wrestling incident happens that evening. Not before the ‘outing’. Yet the oil wrestling is the only thing talked about in future episodes. As if oil wrestling fun is more ‘incriminating’ than a ‘gossip insider’ going on national tv and outing you as a homo. But seriously, I was hoping for a Jenny vs Alice verbal smackdown over that. Jenny was always at her most hilarious when her protective Jewish mother side came out. (Ani Yehudi)
I’m so glad you brought up Quinn’s experiences- I don’t hate that character, I hate the writing staff for making her character say the stupid shit she did in this episode. Quinn has gone through experiences that could be meaningful to a large audience, and could enable her to provide insight on David’s tragic choice in a way that isn’t privileged and judemental, but of course that would be asking too much of the writing staff. Glee consistently gets most character’s potentially poignant moments wrong, except for the white male gay and his amazing dad. Wonder why that is?
Yeah, Quinn and specially Santana (who was outed, the information was spread around the school and was rejected by her abuela) could have provided helpful insight to Dave’s situation, but the writers somehow didn’t think they would, and it amazes me everyday how out of touch with reality they are.
Oh hi, you and I are the same. Kudos!
(p.s. The bridal scene is supposed to be released online in response to our outrage via Twitter a la Santana’s Santa Baby)
I read that on a E! article, but it sounded a bit like something they would say so people on Twitter would stop harassing them about that scene. it’s Sunday and no signs of that video being uploaded, I have no hope. :(
I just wanna know why Quinn was nearly crying when talking to Rachel, damn it.
Santana’s Santa Baby took about a week to be released after the episode, so it wasn’t going to be thrown out ASAP anyways. That, or they’re going to release it just before the next episode so that we can crash Tumblr all over again. Sigh. The things we do…
I’m glad I’m not alone in my fangirling :) . I don’t think I can stand everyone in Tumblr making depressive accident gifsets for 7 weeks, so I hope they release that scene at some point!
I’m a fan of Faberry because of the angst-factor, so I’m greatly enjoying all the miserable Quinn-is-in-the-hospital or Quinn’s funeral gif sets.
I’m sick of the incessant need to qualify/quantify oppression. Queer people are not the only second-class citizens in this country, and I’m really glad riese not only points out the fact that Quinn’s problems are not #whitegirlproblems, but also that Kurt is essentially lecturing a room that includes a Black woman and a working-class kid as well. Like the four of them have the system working against them, but Kurt and all the queers he apparently represents (or Ryan Murphy, really) is the only one who REALLY feels it because he’s gay. Queers don’t have a monopoly on oppression, ffs.
As for Karofsky’s storyline–I feel like the only way I can rationalize it in my head is that the Glee writers paid attention to the backlash surrounding Santana’s character being outed, and decided to show a different perspective via Karofsky’s character. If that’s the case, they handled it in an irresponsible, sloppy manner, and it absolutely doesn’t make right what Santana went through (considering–and correct me if I’m wrong on this–Santana does not acknowledge the fact that she was outed throughout this episode). Even if that was the writers’ intentions, it’s not a decent excuse and it doesn’t undo how poorly they handled Santana’s situation.
I agree! I mean, I’m gay, but who am I to tell someone who’s straight that their problems are inferior or less important, simply because they haven’t experienced what’s it like to come out of the closet?! Specially in relation to the scene, Quinn is by far the character that had the biggest amount of sad turns in her storyline, yet the writers trivialize it as a “bad dye job that lasted two weeks”. Let’s not even mention the misogyny in a comment like that.
Glee needs to stop working so actively into making Being Gay Is A Really Big Deal and just ignore the characters’ sexualities and give them story lines that aren’t constantly related to it. They use being gay as a stand out quality in a person and it’s not, it’s just one of 500 million things that make one individual different from another.
I dunno because, like, as dumb as I initially thought his suicide anecdote was, it reminded me that two out of the three darkest periods of my life were both grade-related, and with one of them one of the big things was telling my mom about it. Whereas I was bullied incessantly in middle school and that never pushed me to the edge the way academic failure did.
What frustrates me about it is more that it came out of nowhere with his character. He’s never been established as someone who cares about that stuff. Whereas, it’s been established that Karofsky is a closet case who took his own turmoil over his sexuality out on Kurt, and that’s why the comparison really bothered me. It’s kind of like last season when, out of nowhere, we had Rachel thinking her nose was ugly and wanting a nose job (even after she specifically rejected the idea in early Season 1) and we’re supposed to think that it’s somehow comparable to, like, the established crap that Kurt and Santana have been going through for being gay.
“…but it’s such a cheap cliffhanger. I don’t care about the accident but I care about the outcome, and so far the next episode after the break is dedicated to Blaine and his family. It makes no sense” THIS!!!!
everything about everything you just said is right!!! I swear the writers of glee are a bunch of genetically modified monkeys, locked in a room and manipulated into randomly allocating themes for each episode.
Sorry for all the KLAINE lovers out there but that has to be the worst pairing on the show! They have absolutely NO chemistry. Actually scratch that FINCHEL is by far the worst pairing on the show. Klaine is annoying because they get SO MUCH attention as the “main gay couple” because the lesbians(erhh Brittanna who :S) obviously do not matter. Gosh I’m soo sick of glee! I’m very close to giving up on it and completely immersing my self in glee fandom. Atleast that way you get to see some pretty amazing story lines.
I have been to that Major Magic’s.
The thing that pissed me off the most was Will’s suicide story. HEY GUYS I AM A STRAIGHT WHITE AFFLUENT MALE, AND ONE TIME I CHEATED ON A TEST AND DECIDED I DIDN’T WANT TO LIVE ANY MORE. I TOTALLY FEEL YOUR DEEP EMOTIONAL STRUGGLES AND FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS. NOW LET’S EAT PEANUT BUTTER.
That said, I did eat a lot of peanut butter while watching this episode, so there is that.
I almost feel like we’re supposed to talk that as a sign of Will’s remarkable instability, because let’s be real, no one in their right mind is going to TRULY AND GENUINELY want to off themselves after a math test. That be fucked up. Like, I should’ve gotten professional help years ago levels of fucked up.
I actually do not find it that unbelievable. Anecdote time:
My boyfriend and I are in a class together (university) and he admitted to me a few days later that after getting his mid-term back (which he failed) he thought about killing himself.
A big factor that contributed to his suicidal thoughts was his incredibly low self-esteem, which is partially caused by his mother telling him he was stupid, worthless and basically verbally abusing him when he showed her bad report cards and tests
I kept expecting him to say that his dad abused him when he did poorly and that he was so afraid of the abuse that…but no, it was just the grades and a disapproving look from his dad.
Ummm… Fuk all u glee haters show sum sympathy what if dis happened to yall I love glee nd totally support da gay cuples da mariges nd da finchel marrige so fuk wat yall negative asses got to say bout dis show
#true GLEEK BITCHES
Seriously? I hate to be a Grammar Nazi but you can’t expect anyone to take your opinion seriously when you can’t even type properly.
Yea seriously I feel dat dis recap is bogus nd I can spell properly I jus choose not 2
#true gleek
That’s even worse. And annoying as hell.
Ohhhhhhhhh I get it. You’re a hipster, right? That’s cool. #notTwittersonotsurewhyIam#tagging
Marry Me..Please #youhadme#tagging..sigh
Weeeeell I did just learn from this amazing TV show that even though I barely know you, or the person you want to be, or the path you want to take in life, and even though I’ve been incessantly checking with my smart Yale-accepted friend, who I may or may not have closeted feelings for, who says that it’s a terrible idea, and even though all the people who care about me most are practically begging me not to marry a virtual stranger whenI’m far too young and far too idealistic to know any better…
Then sure! You book the registry office, I’ll bring the sandwiches and let’s hope a pesky suicide and car crash don’t get in the way of the biggest mistake of our lives! Yay for TV education!
Everything I ever needed to learn about life in the real world I learned from watching Glee
Was this comment meant for youtube?
http://dailypicksandflicks.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/grammar-the-difference-between-knowing-your-shit-and-knowing-youre-shit.jpg
Why is it that when people troll they can never use correct English? Is it a rule of some sorts?
We all seem to have a lot of feelings. The solution? Peanut butter obvs, that’s what glee has taught us.
Did this thread get hi-jacked by Kanye West? #I’m’oletyoufinish
After reading that comment, my IQ Dropped. Literally :|. I Can feel it hitting negative numbers.
This episode made me so angry but this recap was so good that I’m over it. I feel like the more offensive Glee is, the funnier the recaps are.
No… really, these recaps make it worth sitting through the episodes, cause honestly, they are h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s.
I’m confused as to why a portion of the above comments are not in English?
Also. Every week, I read the recaps before watching the episode and it is always an experience I cannot truly wrap my mind around. There are at least a half dozen times per recap where I am not sure if Riese is being sarcastic and making all of this up or if a popular and successful show really managed to sneak a lot of this preposterously ridiculous shit into their storylines and expect people to take it seriously and/or not notice. Unfortunately, when I actually watch the episode, I realize that while Riese is sarcastic, she was not making it up. It’s surprisingly mind-blowing.
I think someone spelled youtube.com wrong.
The ridiculousness of this episode+this amazing review got me super excited for The Real L Word to come back on so that Riese could start reviewing them again for us. Then I threw up a bit at disgust at my own selfishness.
Also, I really appreciate you watching these things and making fun of them so we don’t have to.
Am I the only person who can’t stop thinking of the time Lisa Turtle crashed her car in Saved by the Bell?
I never watched Saved by the Bell but this just made me think that I really wish Quinn had intentionally crashed her car into a wooden cut-out of Jesus like Mandy Moore in Saved! instead of being victimized by Ryan Murphy
it actually made me think of the first episode of six feet under when the dad is reaching for a cigarette and gets t-boned by a giant truck
That’s hilarious because I am old but really the first thing I thought of was Mean Girls.
1) i don’t think Karofsky’s suicide attempt had anything to do with Kurt’s rejecting him. Also, referring to what he went through as simply “a day of bullying” really downplays everything that happened to him.
2) While Kurt felt responsible, I don’t see how the show itself acted like it was his fault. Karofsky even said “Why would you, after the way I’ve treated you?” when Kurt tried apologizing for not answering his calls.
Sooo yeah this episode sucked and was ridiculous and has so many flaws etc etc I’m totally on board with all of the above.
BUT I was watching this episode with my mom, and then when the Karofsky thing started happening my dad actually TURNED OFF HIS COMPUTER and came over and sat down. And my mom was CRYING so much, and my Dad was watching very intently.
And yeah it’s kindof funny like “haha o my mom taking glee so srsly and crying over it lolz”, but I think this episode really made this sort of thing real for them.
I had so many “issues” and was so unhappy throughout jr high and high school, and it’s partly because I wasn’t really out of the closet. And while I have so many issues with how Glee handles LGBTQ issues (like David gets a suicide thing but Santana is just brushed off, ETC ETC I WONT GET STARTED), and this plotline and entire episode was flawed……it still moved my parents and made them think seriously about this sort of thing.
So like. I’m glad for that I guess.
I’m glad to know that somebody’s parents were moved. My mother’s comment was “is he going to commit suicide or some bulls**t like that?” I guess that was a response to the ridiculousness of the plot, but it certainly sounded more like “gay teen suicide is bs.” Made me want to scream more than anything else in the episode.
my mom was sobbing. i actually had to go get chocolate.
that’s an interesting point, abacus. i think you’re right that this could also do damage by making skeptics think we’re all crying over spilt milk, so to speak
I can’t stop watching this show, I just Faberry so much
Me too, man. Me too. It’s the only reason I still watch this show.
>=|
You my friend are hilarious and to the point. I think episode had too much for too little time and it felt like a whole mess of scenes just thrown together for the heck of it. I know I could have done without the Warblers performances. Sebastian gets more lines than Tina and she’s a Regular on the show.
I love this recap so much. You are so right on how they fucked up everything in this episode. Why didn’t we get Santana’s feelings on the Karofsky situation? She is the one that has the most similar experience to his. Except Santana is infinitely better than Karofsky in every way.
The Kurt/Karofsky relationship is so fucked up. After everything that Karofsky put Kurt through they are now friends because he tried to kill himself. It’s disturbing and I hate the victim blaming that Glee did. I guess, Karofsky’s manly tears wiped all the shit he did to Kurt away and his pain is just that much more important.
Not even going to touch the Finchel of it or how Glee likes to punish women for being ambitious. Rachel gets to marry Finn as punishment and Quinn gets hit by a truck.
“After everything that Karofsky put Kurt through they are now friends because he tried to kill himself.”
Yeah, Kurt already forgave Karofsky in Prom Queen.
Welp. I’m sure anyone who knows me already knows how traumatized I was by Quinn’s accident (even though I knew it was going to happen) because it is just so unfucking fair that now that she’s got her life together and is (arguably) HAPPY, they do this to her.
Kurt belittling Quinn puts him on my black-list. I was horrified with what she said, but he has NO idea what she’s been through, and the laundry list is staggering (and honestly, longer than anyone else’s on the show).
I just could not give a fuck about Dave because of how they treated Santana. Just, no. He has 3 appearances this entire season, and he’s this epic tragic character? No, fuck you, Glee, why wasn’t Santana mentioned? WHY CAN YOU DO THIS MUCH FOR A FUCKING MINOR CHARACTER AND NOT GIVE THE SAME RESPECT TO ONE OF YOUR BEST MAJOR CHARACTERS??
(Also, the Faberry but shhhhhhhh I still don’t know how to deal with everything.)
Oh yeah, and fuck you, Glee, for not having a Trigger Warning at the beginning of the episode. I know that Blaine and Kurt snuggling was more traumatizing in First Time, but fuck you all the same.
Thanks for sharing your old blog posts. They were the best things from the recap.
<3
I hate the way Rory is portrayed. There is peanut butter in Europe bitches. There’s even peanut butter in India.
the amount to which i do not know/care about this character is revealed by the fact that i thought you meant rory from gilmore girls.
I have pretty much forgotten his name and just call him Irish Breakfast in my head, thanks to this blog
Not gonna lie, I usually love the AS Gleecaps but this one pissed me off. Guess I care too much about Dave. Sorry for being emotionally invested in a storyline that’s been taking place for the last year and a half. :|
YOU ARE NOT FORGIVEN
Why is this so funny? It reminds me of when my sister has food or something on her face and someone points it out and she yells, ‘I WANT IT THERE’
I sat down to watch this weeks episode with a glass of Maker’s Mark..By the end I had abandoned the glass and was drinking straight from the bottle..This show has become my new toxic relationship..It’s a brick tied to my left ankle as I’m treading water..And if I don’t get out now and save myself it will no doubt take me down with it. Good luck to us all!
When this episode comes up on Hulu, I will be opening the AS “How to Drink: Whiskey” tab alongside it.
I used to think we could never turn watching Glee into a drinking game for fear we’d all become alcoholics..But now I realize it’s too late for me
My girlfriend and I have been teetering between “I will never watch Glee again” and “Oh gosh, this recap was so funny I have to watch this episode” for a while now. We decided to implement a drinking game this episode. Don’t know why we didn’t do it sooner. The rules write themselves.
vintage glee drinking game from the september 2009 premiere (WERE WE EVER SO YOUNG?!!)
http://www.autostraddle.com/glee-drinking-game-and-liveblog/#drink
My A.A. Sponsor thanks you
Also:
“Furthermore, this whole storyline wastes time during which Santana and Brittany could legitimately be improving the lives of young lesbians in the Midwest by making out. I know that sounds like a joke but I’m serious.”
Best. Thing. Ever.
Also your blog is totally rad. I am reading it in order slowly, like a book because I am interested (a geek) :)
this episode was a lazy (winter finale) end to a lazy season.
i have to say i did think the karofsky storyline was moving, and max adler did a good job acting even though i was rolling my eyes half the time.
however, what pissed me off even more than that was the ending with quinn. what the fuck? as an aspiring writer, that’s right up there on my list of “NEVER DO” along with “and then i woke up”. lazy, lazy, lazy. oh, there’s a 7 week hiatus? what’s a cheap gimmick we can employ to make people talk about our show? OH HOW ABOUT A CAR CRASH jndpfjeadgnkj;sclxb’sdl;
maybe quinn will die and then dianna agron can go be part of something as awesome as she is.
This entirely irrelevant to Glee, but entirely relevant to my life:
Smith College 2012 commencement speaker: JANE FREAKIN LYNCH!!! BOOYAH!!!
I don’t envy you guys for having to do this.
While I watch glee to yell “I HATE YOU KILL YOURSELF” alternately to will,finn/same person, or FUCKING MARRY ME to Santana (duh), I feel like attemptin to approach it with any sort of world-awareness, intelligence, or a desire for significant content is just…hopeless.
The longer this season goes on, and the further it gets from anything resembling itself or reality, the more it hurts me. I sorta wish that I could give it up, but that’s never going to happen.
A long time ago, I saw Britney/Brittany and it made me realize that I wasn’t just faking being gay to feel special (I was dumb back then, and worried about things like that). I guess I owe Glee a lot, really. Here’s hoping for a triumphant return to… something?
“A long time ago, I saw Britney/Brittany and it made me realize that I wasn’t just faking being gay to feel special (I was dumb back then, and worried about things like that).”
I think that is one of my favorite sentences ever.
Great recap. I especially love this part:
And thank you, G-d, for letting Santana handle some of the rapping this time, bravo. Then Santana graces us all with her talent, skill and beauty for “What Doesn’t Kill You (Stronger)”, backed up by the eminently superior goddesses of The Troubletones.
Totally spot!!
You know what puzzles me – apart from everything on this show?
Surely the Quinncident is supposed to crash the wedding. HOW? Finn said they have to go no or a real couple will get married for the right reasons. So I see Rachel waiting exactly 3 seconds before they go and get married because that’s all that’s been on her brainwashed mind for the past three episodes. She’s the one who wanted an earlier wedding and I really don’t see her waiting for a bridesmaid for that. Quinn is running late for all Rachel knows. But if course Glee is going to make it as dramatic as “3 seconds after the Quinncident the driver of the other car calls her because he saw the Rachel4ever tattoo on Quinn’s behind and immediately knew to call Rachel”. Or the first responders will see Quinn’s desire to be supportive in her blood test and will call Rachel.
Rachel wouldn’t know about this accident for at least 2 days after it happened and clearly the accident will be directly connected to the wedding being off. The Rachel I saw in the last 3 episodes would get married without Quinn.
But the Rachel of the past 3 seasons wouldn’t =P
Rachel and Quinn continuously do things for each other that would seem illogical. Oh, Rachel, your ex and your date get kicked out of Prom? RUSH INTO THE BATHROOM AFTER YOUR ROMANTIC NEMESIS TO COMFORT HER. Oh, Quinn, you’re still emotionally vulnerable after being dumped by Finn? GO ASK IF HE WANTS TO GO OUT WITH YOU JUST SO RACHEL FEELS BETTER ABOUT HERSELF.
Yes, after the episode my husband and I were joking that maybe Quinn typed “Arrrgh, just got hit by truck!!! :(” to Rachel on her blood splattered phone before she passed out in the wreckage.
(And why am I commenting on a 2012 post in 2021? Glee became my lockdown escapism, so I’m reading the recaps on here to make up for the fact that none of my friends want to discuss a show from 9 years ago.)
(And why am I commenting on a blog
Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that the treatment of the female characters on this show has suffered tremendously in a season when they actually added female writers? What the hell happened here? In the first season, Rachel and Quinn were both so relatable. Last season, when Santana finally confessed her feelings to Brittany, I sobbed for a good half hour after the show ended, because it hit so close to home. And then this season, we get Finn dominating Santana’s coming out story (without ever apologizing for outing her), Quinn’s problems being trivialized by nearly every character on the show including those who are normally understanding (e.g., Schue, Sam, Kurt), and let’s not forget Shelby relying on a teenager to handle a crisis with the child she’s been raising for over a year and then sleeping with said teenager. Argh.
“heart” and “pot ‘o gold” are the only episodes this season that were written by a woman
And Heart is the best one from this season by far.
and I think the Christmas episode was as well (Marti Noxon), but I don’t think that really counts as an episode.
I cannot possibly say how much I love this review. It is absolutely everything I thought, and so much more.
In one episode, Glee fucked up everything it had done previously (and so much better) with Kurt in Season 2.
Thank you.
Thank you for taking the assault on Blaine’s eye seriously, and refusing to be taken in by the sham redemption of unpleasant sociopaths that the show can’t decide what to do with (Evil Warbler/Sanctimonious Gay just needs to go). I wish we could see Kurt and Blaine have an actual conversation/support each other, rather than waste their time feeling responsible for their bullies.
The Christmas Special credited to Marti Noxon. Ali Adler says she wrote the abeula scene in “I Kissed A Girl” so she was part of the team that put that masterpiece together.
wow.
i’m really really glad that i missed this episode.
Another excellent re-cap.
I think Glee crushed my hopes pretty swiftly and conclusively so I never had the remotest expectation of hearing Santana (or, for that matter, Brittany, who was so comforting & wise about these matters last season), talk to Dave. Nevermind that in a universe remotely having traces of continuity Santana might even feel kind of bad or odd about threatening to out Dave if he didn’t help her protect Kurt, even if she’d never had an intention of doing so. A vaguely consistent Santana would have dropped by to mention this & her own experiences with grandma.
But I EXPECTED nothing of the sort because of the patting themselves on the back they did for last week – ‘look everybody, Brittana kissed!’ – that’s still the limit of their comprehension of the two. I fully expected Brittana to go back to being stage props this week, and they did. And sadly, maybe it was better that way – I suspect Glee was going to do a gay teen suicide plot at some point and what a shitstorm it might have been, if they’d put it on Santana’s doorstep rather than Dave’s. Probably a string of Catholic and Latina stereotypes that would have made that image of Will in a sombrero a few weeks back look sensitive. And as for Brittany, it’s so evident that she doesn’t count to the writers (like, as you say, TINA doesn’t count), she’s a dumb punchline to them which is pretty remarkable since this show is supposed to be LGBT friendly, and Brittany is the most important person in their young lesbian’s life.
But I don’t know why I’m bringing up any of this because when I watch the show I’m either numb or relieved at the end of the hour that they didn’t offend me as badly as I thought they would. I predict Brittana gets 1-1.5 episodes (by that I mean maybe 2-3 tepid, nearly coupley scenes) and then lights out for the season. Or if they’re not renewed, forever.
On Twitter you expressed fear about not being funny anymore, but guurrrl this recap was perfect–at turns hilarious, insightful, and justifiably indignant.
also, sidenote: what is the likelihood that someone would survive hanging himself? Isn’t that one of the surest methods of suicide?
I liked the suicide scene, but I think it sent a triggering message. I know it was triggering for me…
and that scares me because I can only imagine what it must have felt like for unstable individuals watching this.
I still think it was well done, though. Screw the rest of the episode, but the suicide was good.
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