If you’ve ever wondered why PSAs are typically no more than 30 to 60 seconds long, you should watch this episode of Glee.
If you’ve ever lost sleep over the dangers of texting-while-driving, you should watch this episode of Glee.
If you enjoy long mediocre auto-tuned musical numbers performed by a group of boys you don’t care about in outfits that are so 2009, you would really like this episode of Glee.
If you prefer a wink and a nod over a hug and a kiss, you should watch this entire season of Glee!
If you want to hang yourself from the ceiling, you should watch this episode of Glee!
Mhm, yup, although I’m typically a bastion of unconditional compassion, sympathy and tolerance on the gay teen suicide issue — this episode was so bad that I cannot maintain that standard and I will most likely be making fun of suicide!
Here’s why: in their review for The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Brandy Howard had the following to say, directed at David Fincher: “I’m not gonna let you make me feel — make me think I saw something that made me feel something because I had to watch a small girl get sodomized.” Soooo… Ryan Murphy, listen up: I’m not gonna let you make me feel — make me think I saw something that made me feel something because I had to watch a gay teenager hang himself.
Also I’d like to remind you that I’ve been through the psychological ringer myself, so to speak, and therefore I am permitted by the Laws of Comedy to make as many jokes about it as I want to. And to be honest, I feel obligated to. This is our territory, this topic, upon which mainstream media is frightened to unpack lest they Offend the Gays. I respect that, I really do, and I have a job to do here too, and I’m gonna do it. Despite Glee’s homosexual staff, the story they told this week rang as hollow and simplistic as the stories mainstream news outlets often churn out about actual gay teen suicide victims. It was stupid and ridiculous.
Gay teen suicide stories demand a reverence that silences nuance in favor of simple stories with easy messages, and I think that style enabled dramatic and hugely beneficial cultural change for the first year or so following Summer 2010’s suicide “epidemic,” but I think things like this episode of Glee are doing us a disservice now.
So, on that ENORMOUSLY CHEERFUL note — let’s begin!
So, we open in Java the Hut, where Kurt & Rachel are attempting to innocently consume frothy beverages and talk about themselves when Sebastian the Evil Gay shows up to shove forward his plan to eliminate New Directions from Regionals with befuddling velocity and absurdity.
“We can’t come here anymore,” says Kurt, when Sebastian the Evil Gay shows up. “I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SAFE SPACE!” he screams with his eyes.
Yup, Sebastian’s just graduated from the Apple Store’s Photoshop Seminar and is super-duper proud of himself for learning how to photoshop Finn’s face onto somebody else’s naked body!
Sebastian threatens to spread said artistic statement web-wide unless Rachel drops out of Regionals — okay, I’m sorry, I need a time out already.
Time Out #1:
Listen, we suspend our disbelief for this show quicker than we remove our pants and switch into sweatpants after a long day of work/trip to the grocery store, but this Sebastian-Slaughtering-Glee situation — like so much of what gets ground into lentil-loaf and dished into our parched gullets every week on this show — is completely fucking ridiculous!
So, Sebastian, an adolescent male enrolled at a prestigious boy’s prep school, literally sends another choir-boy (Blaine), a former student of said prep school, to the hospital by throwing a cup of ROCKS at his FACE, damaging said choirboy’s actual EYEBALL.
However William insists the New-Fangled Directions have little recourse because nobody at Dalton truly cares, and we all suspect the class’s entire convo about the incident only exists to set up Artie’s “we’re not gonna take it anymore!” speech which consequently serves to set up Artie’s next musical number. That musical number was pretty awesome but nevertheless William left us all befuddled by both Dalton and his own unprofessional, child-neglect-y response to unspeakable and honestly terrifying violence. No private school administrator would allow a slimy douchebag who pre-meditatively spiked a Slushee with rocks in order to assault another teenager to attend his school. Sebastian is a bona-fide risk to the other students! Limaohio.com would be all over this!
Not only is throwing rocks at someone’s face actual physical assault — and Blaine would’ve been offered the chance to file a police report during his trip to the ER, mind you — it’s not prep-school behavior, it’s not any school behavior. It’s actually pathological and if this show was even in the same galaxy as “real life” (and I think this show does want to remain in real life’s galaxy, if not its immediate orbit or seven furious suns), Sebastian would’ve been expelled from that school lickity split or at the very least suspended, reprimanded, or put on some kind of pebble-free probation.
And then AND THEN! This episode, when Sebastian threatens to cyberbully Finn with doctored photos of Finn’s naked body — which is so novel, I mean, really, I bet everybody would’ve been like “OH MY GOD IT’S ACTUALLY FINN” and I’m also dying to know who Sebastian blew at Google because his confidence regarding instant SEO mastery is a bit unnervingly inaccurate — and the Glee kids take this ish to class, William claims he reported it to Dalton, Blaine insists they’re gonna do nothing about it (WHAT?!!) and William says “You guys are just gonna have to deal with things like this!”
Unlike Kevin’s roll-off into the Wonderful World of Michael & Janet Jackson’s “SCREAM,” however, this scene isn’t a musical number set-up, though it does provide Rachel an opp to mention that she’s performing at Regionals regardless and won’t “negotiate with terrorists.”
Finn, apparently also smoking the crack that convinced William that Rachel dropping out of Regionals is the one & only way to stop Sebastian from going mini-viral, is appalled that Rachel’s unwilling to throw her dreams aside in order to protect Finn’s penis issues. Slow-clap for Rachel, though, seriously. It’s almost like she was… Rachel. For just one moment in time.
Next up, Sue initiates a convo with Quinn in Sue’s office about pregnancy because Sue is pregnant now because this show takes place in the same world where Major Magic was born. Quinn recommends Saltines and lollipops.
These are my notes for the next scene:
2. oh god gay bullying story
a) a graphic of some kind
b) borrrrinnnnggggggg this is boring, nobody has even ever sang a song
So, pull out your party hats, peons, ’cause your favorite character Karofsky is back for an extended run!
Yup! See, Karofsky got “outed” last week at The Breadsticks Garden when Joey McJock spotted him with Kurt, who is essentially a burning bush when it comes to gay association. Despite Kurt’s attempt to cover for Karofsky, Joey McJock apparently spilled the beans to everyone at this new school we’re so desperately interested in, and now his teammates have done a little anti-gay graffiti art on the lockers of Karofsky and his (probably gay) alphabetical locker-mates.
Now, what happens next is monumentally confusing. See, in episode 307, “I Kissed a Girl and Riese Hated It,” Finn outed Santana (eventually on public television) to SAVE her life, but here Karofsky is outed (in school) and it completely destroys his life immediately. I guess girls just don’t count.
Meanwhile, Blaine is wailing some song for some abstract reason I’ve since forgotten, but I believe it’s called “Cough Syrup,” which reminds me of when I used to drink a bottle of cough syrup every night for demented/depressive reasons and also The Carter Documentary.
Blaine’s number is intercut with Karofsky making his bed, changing his outfit and playing with his business belt.
Then Karofsky starts rearranging his furniture or, really, just his chair. Probably is gonna change a lightbulb or something. Oh, whoops, JK! He’s gonna kill himself!
Next up is an unbearable staff meeting re: Karofsky, which I unfortunately was unable to watch because I’m over the age limit for not barfing during this scene, which I believe is 13 or whenever it is that kids become literate these days.
Okay though, just one thing — Figgins tells the teachers they’ve gotta take immediate action to prevent “cluster suicide” (aka “The Werther Effect,” named for The Sorrows of Young Werther, a Goethe novel about a “massive wave of emulation suicides after a widely publicized suicide”), which’d be meta if Figgins didn’t completely miss the mark in his interpretation of how, precisely, to prevent such a thing — while it’s true that increased consciousness, support and empathy from school administration will do worlds to help other kids at risk, that’s not specifically what’s at stake with The Werther Effect.
“Copycat suicide” happens when a person emulates someone else’s suicide based on knowledge gleaned about that suicide from television or the media. “Cluster suicides” happen when a well-known suicide, aka a “suicide contagion,” spreads throughout a school system, community or, where celebrities or other public figures are concerned, nationally. Wikipedia notes that “to prevent this type of suicide, it is customary in some countries for the media to discourage suicide reports except in special cases.”
Just simmer on that for a bit, k? Just absorb this episode and simmer on that.
We cut to The God Squad, where Quinn points out that “what [Karofsky] did was selfish, he didn’t just want to hurt himself, he wanted to hurt everyone around him. I went through the ringer, but I never got to that place.” It’s a relevant point to discuss but this is Glee, so let’s twist it around and eat it and spit it out and then have Kurt cry all over it and then let’s have Mercedes put her unfortunate hat on it and then it can go to the courtyard singing a song called “I Wish I Was a Relevant Point” to the tune of The Little Rascals’ “I Have Two Pickles.”
‘Cause hey-o, Kurt pops in to God Squad to play Oppression Olympics with Quinn!
Kurt: “Quinn, please. Sure you had a baby when you were 16 and you had a bad dye job for two weeks but seriously? The world never stopped loving you. And you’re going to Yale, you have no idea what Karofsky is going through.”
Quinn: “You really want to try to compare —”
Kurt: “– the despair, the self-loathing.”
Quinn: “I just can’t imagine things getting so messed up that you would take your own life.”
Kurt: “That is so harsh and reductive. Have some compassion. Do you know they’re still writing on his facebook? Better luck next time and try, try again?”
Say what you will about Finn’s penis but his step-brother’s got some serious balls, declaring himself Champion of the Oppression Shot-Put against not only Quinn, but a black woman and a really nice guy whose family was evicted from their home last season. Furthermore, having made it through the death of his mother and some serious anti-gay bullying himself, Kurt’s lack of perspective and apparent need to project his own sense of guilt onto everyone else in the world is, surprise, inconsistent w/r/t his character! But cheers to Chris Colfer for giving it his all, seriously.
You can watch the rest of this scene, or you can read this article, it’s the real-life version of the PSA they’re clumsily putting on right now.
Back in the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, Finn lets Rachel know that despite his upcoming three-inch scandal, he’s not planning on killing himself, and Rachel affirms she too plans to remain alive.
Then they decide to get married ASAP, like right after Regionals on Saturday, because life is too short and it’s only a matter of time before Rachel wakes up, sees Finn lying next to her, and shoots them both in the face.
Finn: “But wait… what if we lose?”
Rachel: “I thought we agreed I was singing on Saturday.”
Okay, high five to Rachel. High five.
Back at Java the Hut, the gang meets up with Sebastian the Evil Gay, but before Santana can truly lay the smack down, Sebastian lays the boring melodramatic crap down.
The Warblers will be dedicating their performance to Dave Karofsky, says Sebastian the Suddenly Sanctimonious Gay, which I’m sure will make Karofsky feel 100% better about everything, what a meaningful gesture, and The Warblers will be “taking donations for Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation” at Regionals and so, um, a tip of the hat to you, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.
Sebastian reveals that he was an asshole to Karofsky at a bar and therefore “it’s all fun and games, until it’s not.” I’d argue scarring someone’s retina is also “not fun and games,” but I could argue and argue and argue all night with this show and never get off, so!
It’s a cheap moment in a bargain-basement episode — Sebastian, who thus far has acted like a complete sociopath, is suddenly inspired by Karofsky’s attempted suicide to retcon himself? Really? If this episode is a 60-minute PSA — and it is — it’s a lousy one so far. Want to transform a sociopath into an angel, all ye bullied children of America? TRY AND KILL YOURSELF. That’ll show ’em!
Sebastian and those like him should stop bullying because it’s mean. Because it’s unkind to torture the living. Because without compassion we are animals, because without compassion we are sociopaths, because without compassion we may as well be dead.
Oh, by the way! Santana — also gay, also a bully once-upon-a-time, also suffering presently ’cause her grandmother has banished her, also the victim of an unwilling outing on a public stage — has nothing to say about this, because the writers of this show have no earthly idea what to do with women’s stories!
William arrives at class with a tub of peanut butter. See, Irish Breakfast has never tasted peanut butter in his entire life! Luckily, Irish Breakfast is still alive and therefore can eat peanut butter. But, had Irish Breakfast killed himself for some reason, he never would’ve made it to this day where he’s being spoon-fed peanut butter by a curly-haired Barbie Sweet Talking Ken Doll in a cardigan. You follow?
This segues — awkwardly, in case you’re wondering — into a really GRIPPING conversation about how life is worth living!
As William relates his own near-death experience following an adolescent incident in which he was caught cheating on a test, I remove both my eyeballs from my skull with a wine opener, smash them into bits and insert what’s left of them into my eyesockets, then break a glass plate over my head.
Then I watch that suicide-convo scene in The Breakfast Club that knocks this entire season out of the water, and return to witness William’s Game of “things I’m looking forward to” aka “reasons not to kill myself.”
I’ve decided to sugarcoat this scene for you via animated gifs.+
Q: What are you looking forward to, chitlins?
Sam: “Someday I wanna make enough money to buy my parents a new house so they don’t ever have to go through losing their home again.”
Mercedes: “I’m most looking forward to meeting Rachel Berry’s children.”
Artie: “I wanna be there to see my kid’s first steps.”
Sugar: “I wanna be there to see Sex and the City Part III.”
FOUR FOR YOU, SUGAR MOTTA, FOUR PARTS OF SEX AND THE CITY FOR YOU.
Puck: “I’m sorta embarrassed to admit it, but I really do wanna graduate high school.”
Finn: “I’m gonna petition the army to change my dad’s dishonorable discharge status to an honorable one.”
Quinn: “I’m looking forward to graduating from Yale at the top of my class.”
Santana: “I’m looking forward to the day when my grandmother loves me again.”
Brittany: “I want Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction.”
Blaine: “I’m looking forward to marriage equality in all 50 states.”
Mike: “I’m looking forward to the first time I dance at Carnegie Hall.”
Tina: “I just want a song.”
Kurt: “I’m looking forward to watching my Dad make a difference in Congress.”
Rachel: “I’m looking forward to being friends with all of you for the rest of my life.”
Irish Breakfast says he sure does love the peanut butter, but that he’s mostly looking forward to Winning Regionals. YAYAYYAYAY! Regionals!!!
And… cut to The Dave Karofsky Born This Way Legendary Fund Regionals Celebration! This year’s judges, epically unqualified as per ushe, include District Zoning Commissioner Melba Jackson-Wright, President of the Ohio Plumbers Union Local 109 Harl Beindorf and Central Ohio’s number one late-night horror movie host, Svengoobles! That’s a direct transcription, by the way, I didn’t make that up.
The anxious children take their seats and we’re then immediately treated to at least three days worth of The Warblers, fronted by Sebastian the Sanctimonious Gay, slaughtering/performing two songs I’ve never heard before and hopefully will never hear again. The message, however, comes in loud and clear: You’re Number One! You Can Make it Through The Rain! Believe In Yourself!
Sebastian the Sanctimonious Gay is swimming so deep in the “who the fuck cares about this dipshit” swamp that I can barely hear him sing, but his teeth are lighting up my room!
Finn, always a go-to guy for Asinine Gestures of Faux-Compassion, shows his support for Blaine’s assaulter and reverence for Karofsky’s near-death by calling upon all his limbs and organs to assemble themselves into human form and then haul Finn’s head into a standing position and then start clapping his hands together and cheering.
“Why are you cheering your competition?” inquires an extra, and Finn exaltedly replies: “life’s too short!” Yup, apparently Finn’s uncovered the Golden Key to Happiness, “life is too short to remain seated.” Mhm. Tell that to Artie, asshole.
Following that exercise in aural hot water torture and about 20 seconds of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow’s operatic number which to be honest I truly enjoyed, we slip backstage where Puck is Glambertizing his eyeballs and Finn and Rachel are getting antsy that nobody has talked about them for at least three minutes.
William almost launches into a pre-game pep-talk but then predictably turns the mike over to Finn, who pep-talks the team by…
…talking about himself!
Finn: “After the competition, Rachel and I are gonna get married… with everything that’s happened lately, we thought a lot about what Mr. Schue said, we didn’t wanna wait any more, we just want to live every day like it’s our last.”
Yup, when William imparted upon his wise pupils that there’s so much passion and sandwich spreads ahead of them in their long long super-long mega-long lives, Finn heard “life’s too short, time to get married!”
“The pending nuptials are an affront to viewers who have respected and followed these two characters’ arcs. There’s no way that a teenager as level-headed and driven as Rachel would sidetrack her life in this way, nor would a person as grounded as Finn be delusional enough to think marriage is a good idea. It’s a bizarre, soap operatic twist for a show that had stopped being a primetime soap and has instead, for better or worse, embraced its status as a teen drama modeled after ’90s after school specials.”
Anyhow, sensing the team’s emotional pliability in the wake of Karofsky’s Attempted Suicide, Finn and Rachel attempt to now guilt-trip the team re: attending their obnoxious “tasteful” ceremony (Rachel Berry, my princess, we both know a girl like you would not settle for appetizers at a courthouse! What have you done with the real Rachel Berry and when will she return with a plan involving Southampton and the cast of Fiddler on the Roof?)at the Justice of the Peace after Regionals.
Rachel blathers about how much she prefers the people who supported her stupid decision over the people who pointed out that she was making a stupid decision, which allows for a psychologically weighted shot of Quinn looking conflicted to enable another round of easily-assembled Faberry gif montages.
Somewhere in a better land/season far far away from here, Jesse St. James is shaking his head in despair, “Finn, Finn, Finn, you don’t bring a team together by talking about your silly dream of marrying a woman seventy thousand times more talented, attractive and intelligent than you are. The pre-game pep-talk is about giving the people a dream they can achieve — a dream they can achieve both because that dream actually involves them and because that dream is possible.”
Smear to the Performance Dome, where the New Directions Self Esteem Songs Show begins with a mediocre group number which again begs the question, “If you must make some random male New Directiontoid rap every single episode, why do you keep exclusively adding more and more white guy New Directiontoids to this cast?” But good effort, Blaine! And thank you, G-d, for letting Santana handle some of the rapping this time, bravo.
Then Santana graces us all with her talent, skill and beauty for “What Doesn’t Kill You (Stronger)”, backed up by the eminently superior goddesses of The Troubletones.
Even Brittany gets a solo this time!
This is followed by a Rachel Berry number, “Here’s To Us,” during which Rachel’s Dads’ eyes well up with the most genuine tears this episode sheds. They’re so throughly beaming with pride for their little girl and, I imagine, trembling in fear about her upcoming marriage to a Grain Elevator.
At the performance’s end everybody cheers maniacally, including Sebastian the Sanctimonious Gay and His Preachy Choir-Boy Backup Singers, and bla bla bla it’s time for the results! Bring out the Judges!
Who’s it gonna be?
SURPRISE! The New Directions win Regionals, probs ’cause they were the best. But now that they’ve won Regionals, what will they talk about? Oh! Nationals. Then, I hope, Worldinals. Then Galaxyinals. Then hopefully they’lll talk about Karofsky some more.
We cut to Sue’s Lair of Gold-Plated Glory, where she’s summoned Quinn for a little lady-to-lady ladytime.
“Quinn, thanks for coming,” says Sue Sylvester. “I know you must be exhausted from singing all those ooohs and background ahhhs,” Sue says (wink! nod!). She continues that, on account of either Quinn’s stunning performance or Karofsky The Magical Fruit’s Incredible Hanging Act, Sue’s heart swelled so big that she’s decided to let Quinn back on the Cheerios.
Smear to the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, where Quinn — now in her cheerleading outfit — runs into Rachel so Glee can wink/nod at Faberry shippers and play off of the obvious chemistry between these two characters without actually intending to follow through on any of this innuendo, ever:
Quinn: “Hey, how do I look? Coach Sylvester gave it to me earlier and I couldn’t resist.”
Rachel: “I’m glad you’re happy. Everybody deserves to be happy.”
Quinn: “When you were singing that song, you were singing it to Finn and only Finn, right? He really does make you so happy? I wanna support you Rachel, and Finn, and come to the wedding if it’s not too late.”
Oh Lord Have Mercy on our merciful souls. But really, of all the improbable things that happen on this show and even in this very episode, it’s quite sad that chances are strong this’ll remain an eternal tease, just like an eternal flame. Am I burning an eternal flame? Good question.
The Neverending Story of This Day plows forward with the inevitable Kurt-visits-Karofsky-in-the-hospital scene we’ve been dreading since Karofsky took off his belt.
Kurt: “I’m really happy that you’re alive, David.”
Karofsky: “Me too….”
Oh sweet Jesus. Enough, enough! I cannot endure 43 minutes and 55 godforsaken seconds of this episode patting its own back with a heavy hand, jam-packing a tonally disorganized script already full-to-the-brim with allegedly major events like Regionals and “The Finchel Wedding” with lame preachy pandering and exploitation of a serious subject. The serious subject, by the way, isn’t suicide, the serious subject is homophobia! This episode assumes that ’cause we’re saddened by the true deaths of boys we never knew, that we’ll feel similarly affected by the near-death of a fictional tertiary character. The writers are leaning on tragedy to provoke an inevitable emotional response without doing the actual legwork to get us there.
Furthermore, this whole storyline wastes time during which Santana and Brittany could legitimately be improving the lives of young lesbians in the Midwest by making out. I know that sounds like a joke but I’m serious.
I don’t buy Karofsky going this route (and surely he of all people recognizes the root of many bully’s actions aren’t as simple as they seem) and it’s lazy to imply anyone who endures a day of bullying and is rejected by a boy he had a crush on is likely to attempt suicide. It glosses over the serious mental health issues and other compounding factors at the heart of most suicides (like the media did with Eric James Borges, Joseph Jefferson, Raymond Chase and Tyler Clementi) and in its attempt to create open dialogue, suggests that suicide is a reasonable response to internalized homophobia and somebody writing “FAG” on your locker. Bullying fucks people up big time, and that’s reason enough to stop it, we shouldn’t need death anymore to make that point (though we did, once, and I think that point was made and did indeed change the world). In fact, Glee itself handled the issue brilliantly with Kurt’s storyline last season, and this is a sloppy step backwards.
It’s lazy and dangerous for the show to hold Kurt accountable for ignoring Karofsky’s calls after Karofsky — Kurt’s former bully — had romantically pursued Kurt despite knowing he had a boyfriend and predictably been rejected by Kurt (because Kurt had a boyfriend). Although maybe I’m just saying that because the “if you don’t [date me/kiss me/come over/answer my calls] I’m gonna kill myself” line is WAY overused in teenage relationships to the point that it’s become an endlessly howling wolf reverberating through decades of torrid romances, serving to silence those real legitimate cases where attention is needed. And let me tell you when you get the call that your ex, the one you’ve talked to every day except for that one day, really has tried to kill herself and is in the hospital, it feels nothing like this episode, or any of those empty threats ever did.
We get about three seconds of Karofsky’s Dad crying, and then 43 minutes and 25 seconds of people he barely knew changing their entire personalities and life plans in his honor. If only Lady Gaga had dedicated a concert to him, then this episode’s glamorization of suicide would’ve been complete!
Anyhow, let’s get back to it, shall we?
Karofsky: “I made your life a living hell for months, when the same thing happened to me I couldn’t bear it for a week. My supposed best friend telling me he never wants to talk to me again, my Mom telling me that I have a disease, maybe I can be cured, I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back to that school.”
Kurt: “Then go to another school. I’m not gonna lie to you, it’s not gonna be easy, and they’ll be some days when life just sucks. But you’re gonna get through this, ’cause I’m gonna help you, and so is everyone else who loves you and accepts you for who you are. And if they can’t accept that then screw ’em, right?”
Now they’re gonna be friends! Yay attempted suicide! I will spare you the part where Kurt makes Karofsky close his eyes and imagine being a sports agent with a baby, because I spared myself that part by folding my humanoid figure into the following shape:
Cut to the Justice of the Peace where Hiram and the ‘rents are slapping together a plan to stop the wedding besides just, you know, executing their power as guardians of financially dependent children to stop the wedding. AHEM, may I quote Ohio Legal Services:
“A woman under the age of 18 years, but over 16 years of age, must obtain the consent of both her parents to the marriage in order to enter into a valid marriage with a man.”
Meanwhile, Rachel and Finn check each other out in their wedding get-ups, which is too gross for me to truly discuss. Then Quinn texts Rachel that she’s picking up her bridesmaids dress and will be slightly late as she must stop by the Magic Shop, which so kindly threw together some fairy dust, warlock and rayon and weaved it into a gown during that two hour grace period between Quinn agreeing to attend the wedding and the wedding itself.
Meanwhile, Santana, Brittany and Tina are getting antsy and bored because of the patriarchy and Glee’s inability to recognize that gay females are gay people too — maybe that’s just me actually, probably Brittany is thinking about Laffy Taffy, Santana is thinking about Brittany’s thighs, and Tina is thinking about her One Song Glory.
The teenagers sulk in a bizarre holding room borrowed from the Dalton Academy set as the parents panic:
Hiram: “New plan — I’m gonna fake an eplileptic seizure.”
Leroy: “But you’re not an epileptic.”
Hiram: “That’s why I’m gonna fake it.”
They truly are the actual best, and I wish they’d been here all along — they could’ve been fantastic mentors to Rachel’s BFF, Kurt, as well as constant comic and emotional relief for the rest of us.
Anyhow, so Rachel wants to hold up the wedding ’cause she absolutely cannot marry Finn unless Quinn is there, because she is in love with Quinn like how Mona is in love with Hanna.
So they text back and forth a lot, like OMG WHERE ARE YOU and OMG WHERE ARE YOU?!! and so forth, and Finn is like, let’s just do it, we’ve got two minutes before the jam-packed justice of the peace kicks our asses out the door in favor of marrying some alternate, invisible couple!
Rachel: “She said she’d be here, I don’t wanna start without her.”
And so Quinn is reading Rachel’s texts of panic with the confusion of someone still confused about Rachel’s claim that she’s actually planning to marry Finn…
“It’s now or never,” says Finn. Rachel texts! Quinn starts to text!
THEN Quinn gets T-Boned by a pickup truck!
YUP! A truck smashes right into that car, we fade to black, Glee font promises this delight will “be continued…” and… the end.
So, what the fuck was this fuckery, motherfuckers?