Glee 307 Recap: I Kissed A Girl, Allegedly

If there’s anything I love more than sticking my face in a bucket of gumbo — and boy do my eardrums appreciate a good shellfish scrub — it’s white gay men writing stories about Latina lesbian women, filming them, and putting them on my television set!

This week on Glee, tiny mockingjays continued their vicious attack on Kurt’s sweater drawer, Sue stole Beast’s Balding Boyfriend from Beast and lost the election to Burtbear, inappropriate teacher-student relations exploded in Puckelby’s pants, Quinn changed personalities six times, Rachel & Kurt fretted over admissions to a conservatory acting program that by definition cares way more about their auditions than about grades or student government positions, and Santana and Brittany didn’t kiss.

This is similar to how nobody had sex for the first time in the “First Time” episode.

my intern made this graphic herself it wasn’t even my idea, isn’t she great?

Before we begin with the recap I’d like to point out that it’s clear (to me) that in preparation for this week’s Lezstravanganza, this episode’s writer, Matthew Hodgson, marathoned Season One of The L Word. I think this ’cause sometimes what I’ve just read/seen finds its way into my writing in insidious unconscious ways and I assume this happens to other writers too and having memorized all six seasons of The L Word, I can authoritatively state it happened to Matthew this week.

You can skip this part if you’re not as deranged as I am, but I’m just gonna refresh your memory of a few key L Word moments before we hop into this episode of Glee. Just keep these scenes IN MIND, grasshoppers:

#1:

Lara: You have to at least take some steps towards being out.
Dana: I will.
Lara: Because you’re going to be miserable being in the closet.
Dana: I know.
Lara: And you are really… really gay.
Dana: (whispering) I know.
Lara: You know, it’s one of the things I like so much about you. When you hide that, you’re hiding the best part.

#2:

Cherie:  In this fucking ugly world, that kind of love does not exist.

#3:

Dana Fairbanks appears in an ad campaign which, much to her surprise, references her sexuality. Dana then must come out to her parents before Subaru does it for her. They don’t take it well:

Dana: I didn’t do this to hurt you.
Sharon: We all have feelings for our girlfriends, Dana. It doesn’t mean you have to act on them.

Basically, these writers trying to write this episode is like me trying to write about vampires. I’m not a vampire. I like True Blood but I hate Twilight. So I’m pretty ambivalent on the whole vampire situation. You should only ever write about things you care about passionately! Otherwise don’t bother. Is what I think. As you can tell by that amazing paragraph you just read. Fuck. Jesus.

Anyhow! This recap won’t be getting any better, I suggest getting a box of Teddy Grahams and saddling up to the  laptop for a long long night.

This episode I’ll only be recapping the lesbianish scenes, because my vadge lesbo angry ragefuck womyny feminista powerpuff anger is already so extreme re: this episode that I can’t even get into things like, um, this:

dotted-divider2

We open in Principal Figgins’s Lair of Inconsistent Leadership, where Santana’s battling patriarchal oppression in the form of a two-week suspension for bitch-slapping Finn with two cheeseburgers after he outed her to all of Northwestern Ohio. Figgins cites a recently-invented zero-tolerance violence policy, but seriously, look at Finn, the kid isn’t exactly bleeding from the eyeball, this ain’t waterboarding.

you and the rest of heterosexual tumblr, fish-face, you and the rest of heterosexual tumblr

We pause for someone to point out that outing someone also warrants a jaunt to the office, but nobody does, so Santana then proudly introduces us to her unstoppably feisty alter ego, Snix:

Santana: “You don’t get it. When I get really pissed off, Santana gets taken over by my other evil personality. I call her ‘Snix.’ Her wrath of words is called ‘Snix juice.’ I’m kind of like the Incredible Hulk. You can’t blame me for anything Snix does.”
Figgins: “I’m suspending you and this Snix two weeks.”

Finn, hiding in the back in his flannel, debating whether or not he could enhance the gender identity diversity of Autostraddle’s 2013 Calendar by offering to model for it, suddenly lumbers into action. “She didn’t slap me,” he announces.

you can’t let santana go home now, i’ve still got an hour of psychological torture left

She’s off the hook! Back in the hallway, Santana’s mystified by this sudden twist of personality and presses Finn for his rationale. Finn responds in a tone so condescending only tiny birds and ferocious Snixes can hear it:

Finn: “I kinda feel bad for you. Look, I know we’ve been at each other a lot over these past couple of years, but the truth is I think you’re awesome. And when you hide who you are, I feel like you hide part of that awesomeness with it. And that’s why you act out, because you hurt inside every day.”

you think you know you, but you have no idea

Oh so wow. Nobody loves anything more than being told who they are and what they think by a six-foot-five hunk of brisket whose been photographed in public with Taylor Swift. Furthermore this riff isn’t Finn’s problem to fix — Santana hated him first and doesn’t need his pity, psychology, or penis.

Santana: “That’s sweet, but if you think that in exchange for keeping me from getting suspended, I’m gonna come…”
Finn: “Back to the Glee Club? Exactly!”

Finn’s obsessed with Glee Club now, he’s absorbed all of Rachel’s most insufferable personality traits. However, lacking Berry’s intelligence and talent, this absorption leads to Finn seeming deranged whereas for Rachel it just makes her seem selfish and ambitious.

Finn: “It’s up to you. Either you can come back to the choir room and embrace your awesome or take a two week vacation and enjoy your seat in the audience for Sectionals.”

Finn oughtta write that down, screenprint it onto a Hallmark card and sell that shit for National Coming Out Day because BOY am I inspired. Flip-Flop-Flin thus leaves Santana, and the audience, confused, nervous, and a little bit scared.

1. how many hours has it been since i changed my tampon, 2. oh my god, it’s been almost 6 hours, 3. it’s not like i’ve never had toxic shock syndrome before

dotted-divider2

Also in the hallway, perhaps on the same day or perhaps next week or yesterday, Rachel Berry is treading with frustrated fear, monologuing:  “I haven’t been this worried about a vote since Lambert versus Allen.”

respect

I personally spent that fateful June 2009 evening drinking vodka out of a water bottle while interviewing D-list gay-or-gay-friendly celebrities in the 85 degree bath of lower Manhattan, and though the vodka numbed my apathy towards The Paradiso Girls it did not come close to easing my anxiety over the American Idol Election. By the way, Lambert “lost” the popular vote, but he won overall. Let that be a lesson to you Kurt — even if you lose the contest to get into NYADA, you can still make out with hot boys onstage and paint your nails for money.

Rachel casts a leer over at Brittany, heretofore known as Bi-Brittany, ’cause someone’s gotta say it and this show sure won’t — Brittany’s bisexuality, that is. Yup. If it’s Brittany and Santana’s relationship that technically outed both of them, it’s so strange, yet predictable, how invisible she and her story becomes. Anyhow —

Bi-Brittany: “If elected I will be sure to have sugary treats available at all times. It helps the concentration. That’s what George Washington said.”

and when you stick five of these inside a girl at the same time, it’s called fisting!

Anyhow, Rachel’s stressing that Kurt won’t get into NYADA without a student council win on his resume, which’ll leave her gay-less in New York City, stranded without easy access to makeovers and, apparently, souffles, neither of which she’s picked up from 18 years of living with Two Gay Dads. Now she’ll have to troll craigslist “gigs” when in need and will probably get killed just like everyone did in that Lifetime movie about the Craigslist killer.

Oh but first some Classic Rachel® perfection:

Rachel: “Nobody cares. They’re all so lost in their own worlds that they can’t see how important this is to me.”

Rachel locates Kurt and zeroes in on his blazer/bandana otherwise known as a “blezanda.”

look, i just think trading neck ornaments would make us both look a lot better for NYADA

Killjoy Kurt refuses to let in Lea’s sunshine:

Kurt: “What’s the point. I’m gonna lose unless I pull a JFK.”
Rachel: “You’re gonna shoot Brittany?”

Apparently JFK stuffed the ballot boxes somewhere along his rise (that’s what she said) to the presidency. Obviously Rachel’s already scheming, having seemingly forgotten what happened when George W.Bush cheated. I’ll remind you — 9/11. 9/11 happened.

i want allll of the things!

Rachel and Kurt go together like peas and carrots, but only if “Machiavellian” is a word you can use to describe vegetables.

dotted-divider2

Will Schecter has given up on securing Finn’s body or his ego to his chair for the entirety of a class period and figured if Finn’s always standing up he may as well do something. Like teach!

this’d be a good opportunity to slushy finn’s ass

Finn’s got the magic marker and scrawls “Lady Music” onto the vision board, announcing to the class that in order for Santana to embrace her identity (not that Santana’s actually displayed a reluctance to do so, she’d just rather do it on her own terms and not on television ’cause Finn OUTED HER), they’ll spend a week demonstrating exactly how men are capable of ruining beautiful things created by women by dedicating the set-list to “Lady Music.” It’s redic enough that “Lady Music” counts as a theme at all, seeing as we clock in at 51% of the population and are well-represented in the World of Music and therefore should be similarly represented in weekly setlists BUT SORRY HERE I GO AGAIN thinking women are real people.

Flip-Flop-Finn: “Santana we’re worried about you.”
Santana: “Worry about yourself, fetus face.”

[That fetus reference is foreshadowing for the position you’ll be in while cowering in the corner in about 15 minutes when Finn breaks into an barbaric low-key version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”]

what it feels like to listen to finn talk

Finn: “Glee’s about learning how to accept yourself for who you are, no matter what other people think. And that’s what this music is all about.”
Santana: “So wait, I don’t even get a say in this? Not cool.”

Yup! Even when it relates to the sweet sapphic sounds of lesbian folk-rock music, a genre of music universally despised by every man I’ve ever shared a car with, Finn’s the decider. He decides when/why/how Santana should come out, he picks the music, he’s the decider. He decides things.

ok, let’s just get this over with and have a staring contest

Finn: “Everybody in this room knows about you and Brittany and we don’t judge you for it. We celebrate it because it’s who you are. I know not everybody outside of this room is as accepting and cool as we are, but we’re doing this assignment this week so that you know in this rotten, stinking mean world that you at least have a group of people who will support your choice to be whoever you wanna be.”

First, Kurt, clearly tired from the sword-fight that resulted in his diagonally damaged sweater-like-thing, chucks his past beliefs and prior personality out the fake window and condescendingly says coming out was hard for him, too.

that’s what he said

Kurt and Blaine are ready to kick off Manslaughter Lady Music Week with “Fuckin’ Perfect,” a song written by two men and one woman with an exclamation point in her first name. Blaine says Kurt and Blaine always sing this song to each other in the car which is REDONK adorbs, and you know it.

this tape will be a part of Kurt’s audition for a job in Toontown at the Magic Kingdom

As Klain hop around performing their Spectacular of Sanctimonious Bullshit, the entire Glee Club flips out and begins smiling and opening their mouths like kids catching snowflakes on their tongues but thank the lord of all that is glorious in the world of character consistency, Santana remains fairly icy throughout.

if this was me i would be completely mortified

Meanwhile, Finn’s grinning like a cheetah who just got fistfucked by a five vegan turkey dogs. At one point, his entire head begins to expand, like a balloon.

they think they know everything but they don’t even know who won the mash-off

Santana: “Thank you guys, thank you Finn, especially. You know, with all the horrible crap I’ve been through in my life, now I get to add that.”

You know, with all the horrible crap I’ve already been through in this episode, at least Santana said that.

dotted-divider2

Some other things happen involving, I think, a Will/Emma scene in the Teachers’ Lounge or maybe an office-related event involving a journaling voiceover re: Sue Sylvester’s madcap race for the senatorial seat via Cooter’s cooch:

Butttt anyhow, back at Manslaughter Lady Music Week, Puck is slaughtering fields of unborn lesbians like a Roto-Rooter by “singing” one of Melissa Etheridge’s many Odes to Stalking, “I’m the Only One.”

Puck is making a breast cancer survivor cry gay tears, which is against all the rules for all the things:

i’m alright, i’m alright, it only hurts when finn breathes

COME ON DUDES — you’ve already taken government, the world economy, television, movies, literature, religion, sports, Logo and prison, can’t you let us keep our lesbian folk-rock music?
dotted-divider2
Cut to the hallway, where Quinn attempts to seduce Puck into a weekend sleepover to play hide the salami which relates, somehow, to whatever enigmatic plotstravangza the writers gifted Dianna Agron this week, but Puck turns her down because Quinn is approximately ten years short of the minimum required age for any passengers interested in riding Puck’s pony.

a really important storyline

dotted-divider2

Later and/or simultaneously in the heedful hallways of Finn Hudson High, Finn the Decider is ambling over to Santana to vomit some words in her face. Finn’s probably bored, he’s already been to Wendy’s twice and Rachel’s compulsively micro-managing the electoral process and brushing her hair. He just watched Ke$ha’s “It Gets Better” video and has a lot of feelings:

look, those 30 seconds i spent inside you were the most special 30 seconds of my life

Finn wants to know how she likes his “lesson” thus far.

Santana: “Why are you getting so worked up about this?”
Finn: “Because I don’t want you to die.”

Really.

Really?

OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD OVER THE GRAVE OF ALL THE REAL PEOPLE FOR WHICH THIS IS A REAL ISSUE JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY GODDESS IN HEAVEN ON A CRACKER FUCK ME IN THE EAR.

Finn: “A few weeks ago, some kid who made one of those “It Gets Better” videos killed himself. You deal with your anxiety surrounding this stuff by attacking other people and some day that’s not gonna be enough and you’re gonna start attacking yourself.”

sing it, sister

Okay, firstly, have some motherfucking respect for the fact that Jamey Rodemeyer was an actual person — a person very unlike Santana Lopez — an actual human being, not a little trick you can pull out to infuse a lackluster episode with faux-emotional-weight ’cause you can’t actually be bothered to think about anything more complicated or character-specific than that.

Santana: “Thanks but that’s not gonna happen. I’d miss me too much.”

AMEN.

dotted-divider2

Next: IT GETS WORSE


Before you go! It takes funding to keep this publication by and for queer women and trans people of all genders running every day. We will never put our site behind a paywall because we know how important it is to keep Autostraddle free. But that means we rely on the support of our A+ Members. Still, 99.9% of our readers are not members. A+ membership starts at just $4/month. If you’re able to, will you join A+ and keep Autostraddle here and working for everyone?

Join A+

Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page

Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2855 articles for us.

306 Comments

  1. Is it just me, or is Sugar totally checking out Santana at the end/throughout that number…. I think this show is about to get really interesting! :D

    I kind of really want Artie to have a girlfriend too, he is a great actor and him and Britany were good together.

  2. What is still upsetting me about this, even a week later, is how easy it would have been to write a respectful episode.

    Santana, Finn, Will, and Shelby are in the office; at some point Will tells Santana that while he recognizes she’s angry over what happened, violence is not the appropriate response. Finn intervenes and makes up the story about it being a stage slap.

    Santana asks Finn why he said that; Finn tells her it’s because he wants sectionals to be a fair fight.

    Rachel and Kurt ask Finn about what happened, Finn tells them why Santana slapped him. Rachel and Kurt point out why Finn outing Santana is problematic.

    Finn turns to New Directions in order to find a way to support Santana and show her he regrets his actions. The group comes up with singing their show of support. They turn to Mercedes and Brittany to help. Brittany convinces Santana to come into Glee club by reiterating her “you’re awesome” speeches from earlier episodes. Kurt and Blaine and Puck perform their songs. Santana remains resistant. Finn apologizes to Santana for outing her and performs his song. Santana forgives him and apologizes for her verbal attack on him. (Both apologies are made publicly in front of the other characters.)

    Homophobic guy enters the scene; the Glee women step to Santana’s defense. The straight women perform most of “I Kissed A Girl” with Santana and Brittany as back-up.

    Santana comes out to her grandmother. Her grandmother rejects her. Santana tearfully processes in a private conversation with Brittany. During this conversation she mentions that while her parents accepted it, her grandmother’s acceptance means the most to her.

    Santana thanks Glee club (New Directions and Trouble Tones) for their support. She performs “Constant Craving.” After she’s finished, she and Brittany kiss.

    Dear RIB, that took me less than 10 minutes to come up with. Really, really wasn’t that hard to read over the episode you had and come up with a way to not make it horribly offensive. Even the Finn supporters probably wouldn’t have hated this, since Finn doesn’t have to drip with insincere love for Santana, just acknowledge what he did wrong. Ugh.

  3. Hey, Riese and everyone else, I just wanted to tell you all that after having talked to you here and hearing what you had to say, I approached this week’s episode with an entirely new mindset. And Finn really has become this total White Knight Crusader, and it really is a little disgusting. SO here’s a big thank you to the whole lot of you for helping my own education along a little bit.

  4. Re: Santana’s Abuela

    My dad managed to sit down right before the coming out scene. His theory is that Santana’s Abuela is a lesbian herself and that the “you have strength” speech preceding Santana’s coming out hit a nerve because she didn’t have the strength to come out herself. I like this idea, but that is exactly why I don’t think Glee will take this angle.

  5. It took me over a week to read this re-cap because that’s how much I hated this episode.

    It was just so bad. Probably their worst episode ever. There were so many things wrong with it and Finn wasn’t even the worst even though he was dragging her out of the Flannel closer forreals.

    I can’t even explain it.

    I hated the scene with the grandmother. The actress playing her, I just wasn’t connecting. It felt forced. Disconnected.

    I HATED that Finn thought Santana would KILL HERSELF. Like I get if he felt that way about someone with low self esteem and a sad social life, but Santana????

    New York Magazine said it best:
    “Santana asks Finn why he’s suddenly being so nice to her, and he tells her it’s because he’s afraid she’s going to kill herself for being gay, even though Santana is the least suicidal character since, I don’t know, that Care Bear who is also a lion whose power is being brave in the heart.”

    Basically.

    I don’t know. Everything was just so lackluster and lazy. Like I wanted Brit and Kurt to have a private powwow with Santana, sort of like when Santana stood up for Klaine in the Prom episode. Brit barely spoke!

    Also I was wondering for Riese. Perhaps focus hasn’t been on Britt because I don’t think she needed it. Like for Santana she was recognizing a whole new identity. Whereas I don’t think it was as deep for Britt and that’s real because I know friends who exclusively date women and fluid ones who date who they like who never had a dramatic coming out. Everything was really natural and they had no qualms. Some people are just awesome fairy people who don’t give an eff how you label them or who thinks their whatever or who outs them. They’re just going to do them. Brittany is one of those.

    Also I thougght I would like all of the songs, but I hated them. I Kissed The Girl was the best thing and I hateee that song. But it was a cutesy performance.

    Although I don’t get when people say it’s song written about girls kissing girls for men.

    I always thought it was a song about girls who kissed each other and liked it. Why must we attribute it to men. Because a “straight” girl sings it? Katy Perry is as straight as Russel Brand. They both love each other, but I’m pretty positive they’ve both had naughty dreams about some samed sex fantasy lover. I’m sure everyone has! And deep down… everyone likes it.

  6. While reading the comments above, I repeatedly saw references to Finn outing Santana and how this is the absolute worst thing he could do. I completely agree that it was insensitive of him to out her, period, but I understand why he did it. In the episode before I Kissed a Girl, Finn was tired of Santana’s bitchy quips and wanted to get her back, so he did it in the coldest way possible. He definitely could have picked something else to say, but he wanted to get her back so she would finally shut up about all the stuff she said bout everyone in Glee club. I also adore Santana and am totally rooting for her to end up with Brittany, but let’s be real here. Santana is harsh. I don’t care how hard her life is because she is struggling with her sexuality, that’s really no reason for her to act the way she does. Under no circumstances should she behave that way–whether she is from Lima Heights, struggling with growing up, whatever.

    Then, after Finn outs her, he makes all this effort to make up for it by singing songs to her and covering up the fact she slapped him after the Troubletones mashup. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I thought the whole I Kissed a Girl Episode was a way for the glee writers to quickly resolve the whole thing. There’s so much inconsistency it’s frustrating. And the entire episode was sooooo contrived. I’m sure they had to have Santana thank Finn and glee club for all their support to show that Santana isn’t always a negative nancy, but that was also unrealistic. One minute she’s trashing blaine and kurt’s rendition of Pretty Pretty Please, then Finn’s song softens her. Nuhhh uh! Then she shares with the glee club that her parents were totally ok with it. Huh? When did that even happen?

    There’s some no-no in literature where you cannot resolve a conflict by having the gods intervene or something like that. I cannot remember what it is called for the life of me…feeling so unintelligent right now…but say you were reading this elaborate, action-filled story, and then, bam, the main character wakes up and says, “it was all a dream”, that would be an example of this literary no-no. Or, let’s say a character is about to die but all of a sudden zeus or batman or somebody saves him or her. That’s also a no-no. To some degree Glee did that in this episode. I don’t think we will be revisiting Santana’s outing. There wasn’t really a process to it. Finn and Glee Club helped out her and then solve everything over the course of a few days–in one episode–and that’s it, done! Very frustrating.

    And it’s true, where is Brittana in all of this? I haven’t seen Brittany and Santana interact in a while. Honestly, I don’t think they will be together. Brittany is sweet but too aloof and Santana seems to clearly love girls, Brittany’s just going along for the ride. I hope Santana finds somebody else.

    Any who, those are my thoughts. I enjoyed the recap. Definitely thought-provoking and hilarious! Also enjoyed everyone’s comments. :-)

Contribute to the conversation...

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!