Glee 307 Recap: I Kissed A Girl, Allegedly

Santana, clearly tortured by the possibility of not being fully embraced by all the straight and/or white guys in her class, is serenaded by a stripped-down version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” which is a song written by a man. At some point, Finn literally sits in front of Santana’s face, directly serenading her, and at some other point I believe Artie wheels over to penetrate her cheek with his eyeballs and honestly it’s all quite unbearable.

this is the polar opposite of a lap dance from brittany

Finn’s angling to make his point about Santana’s latent desire to stab herself in the heart by doing something so patronizing, sanctimonious and obnoxious that even I wanna kill myself by the time the song’s over. To stave off those temptations I spent the scene in child’s pose:

Although the jury’s still out on why Finn’s so convinced that Santana’s got a screw loose, if we accept his inference as remotely true (which I don’t, but whatever), then this song shouldn’t be Finn’s! It should be Rachel, Tina, Quinn and Mercedes singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” to Santana and Bi-Brittany. Ideally in boyshorts and white tank tops. But having the boys do it? A complete total overall unforgettable waste of time.

Santana, possessed by anthrax or tracker jacker juice, actually thanks Finn…

for reminding me why i like girls

…and then she hugs Finn.

ew

(I actually was in Child’s Pose during this, I’m just going off the screencaps)

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Cut to Finn Hudson High’s expansive auditorium, where the students are gathering to cast their votes for Senior Class President. Who will they pick? The hockey player, Bi-Bi-Brittany with the candy or Gay-Gay-Kurt with the salad bar? The fate of approximately ten minutes of follow-up three weeks from now hangs in the balance.

Santana and Brittany cavort boisterously and cutely in the background of Jacob Ben-Whatshisface’s Internet Page Video, largely obscured by his giant melon, and Brittany says she’s voting for the hockey player.

endgame

“Team Brittany all the way,” says an uncharacteristically delighted and not-remotely-psychologically-damaged Santana Lopez. It’s true she never looked this happy with Sam or Finn or Puck or whomever.

Kurt says he feels like a lamb waiting to be slaughtered, but Finn helpfully reminds him that it’s not over ’til all the votes are counted. That’s just how time works. Finn is so smart and helpful!

There’s a brief and very funny voting montage which includes Puck writing in Ross Perot,  Mercedes voting for Kurt ’cause “if Santana’s girlfriend wins, I’ll never hear the end of it,” Quinn voting for the one who is “most girl” and Santana adorably plastering her ballot with a sweet lady-kiss, which’s the most girl-on-girl action you’ll be getting this episode so lap it up like a 44 cent stamp, girls.

Also I have this in my notes:

“Cooter likes to take it up the butt, is what’s happening here.”

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Now that Santana’s ad has implicitly hit the airwaves, the men of Finn Hudson High look at Santana with dramatically unbridled male-on-lesbian lust. The slow-cam suggests that this is a new special situation, incredibly unlike the male-on-straight-girl lust habitually cast her way for the entirety of her adolescence.

Suddenly, Jughead Jones corners Santana with a friendly offer to fuck the gay right out of her and before she can enforce a zero tolerance asshole policy on his face, Mercedes and The Girls pop up like a tiger pack. Mercedes is alllllll up in his face. “Move your busted creeper ass. Now.”

he’s storing nuts in those cheeks

“Easy girls, I’m just trying to make her normal,” he protests.

“She is normal,” says Bi-Brittany.

normal on the streets, freak in the sheets

Quinn, drawn to the action by the scent of a smackdown, shows up to say “It’s not a choice, idiot. But even if it were, you’d be our last choice.”

this means they’d rather sleep with finn which is insane

And then:

well, i suppose tumblr would crash

Lest the Men of Finn Hudson High suspect Santana’s lesbianism is just another example of a nubile young female experimenting with faux-lesbian-action for male entertainment before ultimately returning permanently to Hot Heterosexual Man Meat, The Girls break into a song about nubile young females experimenting with faux-lesbian-action for male entertainment before ultimately returning permanently to Hot Heterosexual Man Meat.

back off, the screamer is mine

Glee’s glittery version of Katy Perry’s insufferable “I Kissed a Girl” (written by three men and allegedly one woman) is still hard to dislike, because it’s pretty and poppy and fun. Possibly the highlight of the episode, even — but also, who choreographed this, Punky Brewster?

The boys present looks of approval and other positive emotions while the girls do lots of things. None of those things are kisses. However, those things are “dance moves” and those “dance moves” include mock-petting Santana from both sides, assembling a butt-to-butt train, clumsily developing a Chorus Line, tapping each other repeatedly on the shoulder and shaking their hips like many many bon-bons.

maybe if we post this on our youtube channel we’ll also get extra traffic on our “kurt and blaine do sondheim” series

At the song’s end, Santana throws out, “I told my parents last night, and they were actually okay with it,” and despite the consistent lady-patience and compassion we’ve exhibited throughout Kurt’s 56 Coming Out Episodes, 75 Magic Dates and 5,452 Dad-Son conversations, that’s it. Just that one magical line.

they’re just camerashy

Rumor has it Ricky Martin and Gloria Estefan may guest as Santana’s parents, which’ll be fun but also possibly awkward for Gloria because she’s also secretly gay. You’ll see.

selling it

Figgins then summons Kurt to his dark chamber of arbitrary judgment to accuse him of stuffing the ballot box (that’s what she said). Brittany won, sidenote, but regardless Kurt did no such thing (he’s a bottom, duh!), which means, clearly, Rachel Berry did, because that’s what Rachel Berry does: she prioritizes the ends over the means every time, though it seems almost noble this time, because even though it was kinda about her, it was mostly about Kurt.

everyone knows there are no pockets on my spacesuit or my vintage buffalo warrior bag, where would i even hide the ballots

Finn, Chief of the Morality Police, scolds Rachel for stuffing the ballot box and potentially condemning Kurt to the annals of suspension. God, I’m so glad men exist to stop us ladies from killing and suspending everyone with tampons, salad tongs and inferior judgment!

what would tracy flick do

I gotta admit this episode made me miss episodes that were mostly about Rachel, which is insane.

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During a really long commercial break, I forgot that I was watching Glee in the first place.


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Cut to Santana’s Abuela’s Cocina, where Santana’s ready to spill the lesbian beans, no salsa.

sit down, it’s time to have an actual scene about my actual situation

Santana summons all the confidence and eloquence everybody but Finn knows she’s always had and says, with her whole entire heart:

Santana: “I’ve watched you my whole life and you’ve always been so strong, done exactly what you believe and never cared what anybody else thought of you… I love girls, in the way I’m supposed to love boys. It’s just something I want to share with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me. When I’m with Brittany, I finally understand what people are talking about when they’re talking about love.”

just a girl sitting in front of an abuela, asking her to love her

Santana: “And I’ve tried so hard to keep this locked up inside, but everyday just feels like a war. And I walk around so mad at the world, and I’m really just fighting with myself. I don’t wanna fight anymore, I’m just too tired. I have to just be me.”

We’ve just taken a giant step into Santana’s special heartspace — and yes, in that place I cry a special tear, both for this scene and for all the scenes just like it that we’ll never see. Then things get ugly.

PRAAAY AWAYYYYY THE GAYYYYYYY

Santana so rarely offers her truth, it seems so harsh to refuse it.

Abuela: “Everyone has secrets, Santana. They’re called secrets for a reason. I want you to leave this house, I don’t ever want to see you again… you made your choice, now I have made mine… it’s selfish of you to make me uncomfortable… the sin isn’t in the thing, it’s in the scandal, when people talk about it aloud.”

Santana: “So you’re saying it would have been better if I would’ve kept this a secret?”

Abuela repeats that she’d like Santana to get her lesbian ass out the door but Santana has to break down and cry a lot first, which I mean — duh — but she’s likely just as confused as we are. God seeing Santana cry is the worst.

someone get this girl a brittany

This’d be an opportune time to show us how she feels when she’s with Brittany instead of just telling us about it — in fact, this ENTIRE EPISODE is a nonstop opportunity to delve into Brittany and Santana’s relationship — but we’re all dying to know what’s happening with Puck and Quinn so let’s get to that!

[I can’t wait ’til next week when they’ll probably drop abuela like a hot potato. Papas fritas!]

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In the next scene, there’s some heterosexual action, interrupted by Quinn’s weirdo attitude, called out by Puck:

that’s cheating, ryan murphy

At some point Puck becomes smart for approximately two minutes during which he bestows the Male Gift of Psycho-analyzation to her:

Puck: “You don’t need a baby or a dude or anyone to make you special. If there’s one person I’m sure is gonna get the hell out of this town and make something of herself, it’s you.”

Despite the GAH ANOTHER WISE MAN factor, I think that’s all Quinn needed to hear — ’cause she’s been declaring her inevitable Lima Barefoot-and-Pregnant Binging-on-Rice-Krispie-Treats future to everyone who will listen and nobody ever disputes it, or tells her that she could be more than that. And as soon as he says it, it seems true. She asks if maybe they can just cuddle now. So they do.

goodnight moon

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Kurt, wearing an afghan/poncho/turtleneck/abomination and, I believe, grey leggings, addresses the class to “personally and publicly congratulate President Brittany” because he likes to hear himself talk.

i’d like to ride that bike on artie’s sweater right out of this scene

Brittany hugs him and says he’s still a unicorn, which’s all that truly matters to anyone except, apparently, NYADA. Blaine squeezes Kurt’s encased thigh and says they’ll “figure it out” (or something) because Blaine is perfect and sweet like that.

i’m not a unicorn though because i’m a bisexual and bisexuals, just like unicorns, don’t exist!

Also, Sugar Fucking Motta’s truly the most unicorn of them all, look at that bitch, she’s wearing anal beads around her neck and a gypsy scarf and a fuzzy white sweater weaved out of Mrs.Claus’ beard:

sugar motta raided claires and claires never knew what hit it

Now it’s Santana’s turn to address the class:

Santana: “So I picked a song that gives me strength and gets me through. The same way all of you do. The struggle continues, but at least I know I’m not alone.”

And ain’t that the truth. She’s got her gay allies, Kurt and Blaine, and she’s got her bisexual girlfriend Brittany, and she’s got Rachel with her embedded gay-dad-sensitivities and she’s got her old friend Quinn, doesn’t she? So it makes perfect sense that directly after saying, “at least I know I’m not alone,” Santana promptly locks eyes with…

via gleekstorm.tumblr.com

Finn?!!?!??!!?

Brittany’s pretty busy watching paint dry, I guess:

If you’ve got one ounce of a “will to live” left, it’s time for a rousing rendition of the kd Lang classic “Constant Craving,” starring Santana and three other storylines that aren’t Santana.

it’s constant, srsly, the craving. it’s just really constant.

Post-musical-number, Rachel arrives, tear-stained, and announces she’s been suspended and can’t compete in sectionals. This is devastating, because this ups the chances that Finn and his autotune will be prominently featured at sectionals. LORD HAVE MERCY.

but at least i’ve still got this stupid beret on

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My favorite part of this episode was reading The Hunger Games during the commercial break, thinking about making this playlist, and eating this Amy’s Pizza I just baked in the oven.

No but really, in conclusion — when Santana came out I felt like I had my girl. I got her. I was like that, a razor-tongued slut who hated everybody, who built emotional walls like they’d magically become a fortress one day and not just a giant moat, who never understood why my feelings about boys were so fucked up and my feelings about girls were so scary but also easy but also so far away. And so I’m let down. I never expected Glee to give me the only coming out speech I ever related to, but then it did and then it went back to being just like everything else, which is to say — lackluster.

I hope that every girl reading this knows in her deepest hearts of hearts and also in the forefront of her brain that the only way this will ever change is for us to do it for ourselves. Is for women to be the writers, the producers, the CEOs. We are the only ones who know how to tell our own stories. We’re the only ones paying attention.

In other words: when all their promises are gone, we’re the only ones.
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next week:

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2859 articles for us.

306 Comments

  1. Is it just me, or is Sugar totally checking out Santana at the end/throughout that number…. I think this show is about to get really interesting! :D

    I kind of really want Artie to have a girlfriend too, he is a great actor and him and Britany were good together.

  2. What is still upsetting me about this, even a week later, is how easy it would have been to write a respectful episode.

    Santana, Finn, Will, and Shelby are in the office; at some point Will tells Santana that while he recognizes she’s angry over what happened, violence is not the appropriate response. Finn intervenes and makes up the story about it being a stage slap.

    Santana asks Finn why he said that; Finn tells her it’s because he wants sectionals to be a fair fight.

    Rachel and Kurt ask Finn about what happened, Finn tells them why Santana slapped him. Rachel and Kurt point out why Finn outing Santana is problematic.

    Finn turns to New Directions in order to find a way to support Santana and show her he regrets his actions. The group comes up with singing their show of support. They turn to Mercedes and Brittany to help. Brittany convinces Santana to come into Glee club by reiterating her “you’re awesome” speeches from earlier episodes. Kurt and Blaine and Puck perform their songs. Santana remains resistant. Finn apologizes to Santana for outing her and performs his song. Santana forgives him and apologizes for her verbal attack on him. (Both apologies are made publicly in front of the other characters.)

    Homophobic guy enters the scene; the Glee women step to Santana’s defense. The straight women perform most of “I Kissed A Girl” with Santana and Brittany as back-up.

    Santana comes out to her grandmother. Her grandmother rejects her. Santana tearfully processes in a private conversation with Brittany. During this conversation she mentions that while her parents accepted it, her grandmother’s acceptance means the most to her.

    Santana thanks Glee club (New Directions and Trouble Tones) for their support. She performs “Constant Craving.” After she’s finished, she and Brittany kiss.

    Dear RIB, that took me less than 10 minutes to come up with. Really, really wasn’t that hard to read over the episode you had and come up with a way to not make it horribly offensive. Even the Finn supporters probably wouldn’t have hated this, since Finn doesn’t have to drip with insincere love for Santana, just acknowledge what he did wrong. Ugh.

  3. Hey, Riese and everyone else, I just wanted to tell you all that after having talked to you here and hearing what you had to say, I approached this week’s episode with an entirely new mindset. And Finn really has become this total White Knight Crusader, and it really is a little disgusting. SO here’s a big thank you to the whole lot of you for helping my own education along a little bit.

  4. Re: Santana’s Abuela

    My dad managed to sit down right before the coming out scene. His theory is that Santana’s Abuela is a lesbian herself and that the “you have strength” speech preceding Santana’s coming out hit a nerve because she didn’t have the strength to come out herself. I like this idea, but that is exactly why I don’t think Glee will take this angle.

  5. It took me over a week to read this re-cap because that’s how much I hated this episode.

    It was just so bad. Probably their worst episode ever. There were so many things wrong with it and Finn wasn’t even the worst even though he was dragging her out of the Flannel closer forreals.

    I can’t even explain it.

    I hated the scene with the grandmother. The actress playing her, I just wasn’t connecting. It felt forced. Disconnected.

    I HATED that Finn thought Santana would KILL HERSELF. Like I get if he felt that way about someone with low self esteem and a sad social life, but Santana????

    New York Magazine said it best:
    “Santana asks Finn why he’s suddenly being so nice to her, and he tells her it’s because he’s afraid she’s going to kill herself for being gay, even though Santana is the least suicidal character since, I don’t know, that Care Bear who is also a lion whose power is being brave in the heart.”

    Basically.

    I don’t know. Everything was just so lackluster and lazy. Like I wanted Brit and Kurt to have a private powwow with Santana, sort of like when Santana stood up for Klaine in the Prom episode. Brit barely spoke!

    Also I was wondering for Riese. Perhaps focus hasn’t been on Britt because I don’t think she needed it. Like for Santana she was recognizing a whole new identity. Whereas I don’t think it was as deep for Britt and that’s real because I know friends who exclusively date women and fluid ones who date who they like who never had a dramatic coming out. Everything was really natural and they had no qualms. Some people are just awesome fairy people who don’t give an eff how you label them or who thinks their whatever or who outs them. They’re just going to do them. Brittany is one of those.

    Also I thougght I would like all of the songs, but I hated them. I Kissed The Girl was the best thing and I hateee that song. But it was a cutesy performance.

    Although I don’t get when people say it’s song written about girls kissing girls for men.

    I always thought it was a song about girls who kissed each other and liked it. Why must we attribute it to men. Because a “straight” girl sings it? Katy Perry is as straight as Russel Brand. They both love each other, but I’m pretty positive they’ve both had naughty dreams about some samed sex fantasy lover. I’m sure everyone has! And deep down… everyone likes it.

  6. While reading the comments above, I repeatedly saw references to Finn outing Santana and how this is the absolute worst thing he could do. I completely agree that it was insensitive of him to out her, period, but I understand why he did it. In the episode before I Kissed a Girl, Finn was tired of Santana’s bitchy quips and wanted to get her back, so he did it in the coldest way possible. He definitely could have picked something else to say, but he wanted to get her back so she would finally shut up about all the stuff she said bout everyone in Glee club. I also adore Santana and am totally rooting for her to end up with Brittany, but let’s be real here. Santana is harsh. I don’t care how hard her life is because she is struggling with her sexuality, that’s really no reason for her to act the way she does. Under no circumstances should she behave that way–whether she is from Lima Heights, struggling with growing up, whatever.

    Then, after Finn outs her, he makes all this effort to make up for it by singing songs to her and covering up the fact she slapped him after the Troubletones mashup. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I thought the whole I Kissed a Girl Episode was a way for the glee writers to quickly resolve the whole thing. There’s so much inconsistency it’s frustrating. And the entire episode was sooooo contrived. I’m sure they had to have Santana thank Finn and glee club for all their support to show that Santana isn’t always a negative nancy, but that was also unrealistic. One minute she’s trashing blaine and kurt’s rendition of Pretty Pretty Please, then Finn’s song softens her. Nuhhh uh! Then she shares with the glee club that her parents were totally ok with it. Huh? When did that even happen?

    There’s some no-no in literature where you cannot resolve a conflict by having the gods intervene or something like that. I cannot remember what it is called for the life of me…feeling so unintelligent right now…but say you were reading this elaborate, action-filled story, and then, bam, the main character wakes up and says, “it was all a dream”, that would be an example of this literary no-no. Or, let’s say a character is about to die but all of a sudden zeus or batman or somebody saves him or her. That’s also a no-no. To some degree Glee did that in this episode. I don’t think we will be revisiting Santana’s outing. There wasn’t really a process to it. Finn and Glee Club helped out her and then solve everything over the course of a few days–in one episode–and that’s it, done! Very frustrating.

    And it’s true, where is Brittana in all of this? I haven’t seen Brittany and Santana interact in a while. Honestly, I don’t think they will be together. Brittany is sweet but too aloof and Santana seems to clearly love girls, Brittany’s just going along for the ride. I hope Santana finds somebody else.

    Any who, those are my thoughts. I enjoyed the recap. Definitely thought-provoking and hilarious! Also enjoyed everyone’s comments. :-)

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