We’ve taken to referring to Monday nights as “The Night Of Lies,” as it’s on Monday that ABC Family airs its two Sara-Shepard-Novel-Inspired Deception-Focused television programs, Pretty Little Liars and The Lying Game. The takeaway here is that Sara Shepard has serious trust issues.
Things Sara Shepard has strong feelings about:
1. Illegitimate children
2. Police corruption
3. Mistaken identities
4. Boys from the wrong side of the tracks
5. Girls from the right side of the tracks
Anyhow, this week on Pretty Little Liars, everybody married bacon!
But first, all this other stuff happened!
Mona’s vagina veered haplessly in Hanna’s ambivalent direction as Mona herself has now joined the “good thing I have unlimited texts on my Microsoft Kin Telephone” Zone following A’s sudden interest in Mona’s whereabouts and Mona’s torrid history of mall-level criminal behavior.
By the episode’s end, Mona sacrifices her squeaky-clean criminal record to save Hanna’s Mom and Hanna from some police/shoplifting related activities/cover-up, but basically the takeaway here is that Mona wants to hug Hanna with her legs.
Despite Mona’s sticky fingers which certainly should’ve reaped a less visually offensive wardrobe, Mona ends up making her debut to the “Friends of A” Lunch Table dressed like Edina Monsoon, but everybody’s too self-obsessed to notice.
Melissa Hastings returned to Rosewood, where she and her profoundly troubled and freakishly paranoid yet totally gorgeous sister sat solemnly on a bed, staring at the wall while exchanging dramatic snippets of dialogue regarding their father’s illegitimate son, Jason DiLaurentis.
In order to keep the memory of his scandalous conception fresh in Mr. Spencer’s mind, Jason has kept his hair the same exact style since 1991, see:
Aria and Spencer meet up with an impish extra from the classic Tom Green film Road Trip to buy a post-it note for $2,000.
Unfortch, when they hit up the address on the paper it’s not inhabited by their intended target of “Vivian Darkbloom” but by Boo Radley. Also, The Haunted House was once a law firm where Melissa Hastings interned. Speaking of Melissa’s complete sketchbaggery, she turns up on this week’s fresh web-only clip of The Incriminating Video, looking extra-wrathy.
This video inspired all the Liars to give blow job faces:
So, Spencer hits up The Hospital After Dark Bar to talk murder with her sister but unfortunately, as much as we’d like to see the underager and the pregnant woman work it out over cocktails, Melissa bails on Spencer and FURTHERMORE flees the scene with Officer Douchebag, leaving Spencer alone with the British Doctor, who just-so-happens to be at the bar because this is a television show. Also, the bar is playing Belle & Sebastian.
Spencer consequently gets totally smashed, talks about buttering bread with a steak knife and confesses that she’s so competitive that “I even have to win at yoga,” which is 67 kinds of adorable. In case you’re wondering, Competitive Yoga is an actual thing:
Also, alcohol transforms Spencer into a Wanton Sex Goddess.
Ezra and Aria broke up, finally, and Aria cried so hard that her earrings turned into the waterfalls they’ve always dreamed of being.
Then Mom changed her tune and volunteered to “listen” to Ezra and Aria explain their love over a piping hot cup of Lemon Zinger. So, ugh, Ezra will never go away, just like The Real L Word, the commercial about marrying Bacon, and the forks in my sink (I hate washing forks).
Also, Garret spent the entire episode driving around in his car, staring at people.
On a scale of “1” to “blinding,” everybody’s hair this episode was essentially its very own sun, moon, and solar system. In fact, Emily was forced to wear a non-seasonal Whitney Mixter beanie all episode to cut down on the glare.
Anyhow, onto The Lesbian Parts!
The Lesbian Parts begin in a mysterious classroom where Emily’s calling Maya for the bajilionth time. See — somewhere between Maya terrifying Mrs. Fields with her rapid psychotic bisexuality disease, turning her bedroom into a fish-tank, killjoying Emily’s Swimmy Shark Party and getting caught with drugs again; Maya stole Emily’s heart and therefore, because Maya has ignored her since aforementioned Shark Party, Emily’s thick into the Psycho-Zone of Obsessive Phone Contact.
It’s thrilling to see Em take initiative for once, as she’s traditionally so fond of tentativeness, but Maya’s a disappointing target.
Emily: “Why aren’t you calling me back? If silence is your way of breaking up with me, then I’m really starting to feel like it–” [BEEP]
Then, before I’m done screaming “BRING BACK PAIGE!”, guess who’s back? Paige, motherfuckers! Despite her apparently consistent involvement with The Rosewood Hammer-Head Sharks, Paige’s managed to remain off-screen all year, but today the camera swings her way and boy is she camera-ready.
It seems Paige has given up attempted murder and off-road biking in favor of looking unbelievably hot. Her hair is all just-so-accidentally tousseled, she’s got this Maybe-She’s-Born-With-It makeup situation and she’s clutching an important binder/clipboard object and nothing is hotter than a girl with a binder/clipboard object.
Paige invites Emily on a trip around the block to sell ads for the Sharks program because otherwise Glee Club can’t go to Nationals.
Emily: “I’m not really good at asking people for money.”
Paige: “Please, you’re the star of the team. Who could possibly turn you down?”
By that Paige means, “I wanna fuck you like an animal,” because girlfriend is rocking intense Sex-Eyes all episode. Seriously don’t look at Paige’s eyes unless you have a Hitachi Magic Wand handy.