Later that day/week/afternoon/year, Emily and Paige, giddy with delight over their ability to finagle Betty and Eddie’s Pizza into springing for a $50 ad, return from their Walkathon to stand around in an empty classroom and talk to each other.
Paige, whose eyeballs remain so interested in undressing Emily that I’m surprised they don’t literally leap out of her head into Emily’s vagina, has news:
Paige: “I came out to my parents.”
Emily: “You did? How did they take it?”
Paige: “They freaked out, a little. Some tears, some screaming but nothing like I thought it would be.”
Emily: “Wow, That’s so great, I mean…not the screaming part, but, GREAT.”
Emily’s distracted, though, ’cause of Maya, and Paige knows it ’cause she’s obsessed with Emily, but wishes it wasn’t so.
And you know what? Paige makes sense. Maybe she didn’t make sense before, but maybe she always has, and maybe she does right now. She’s not wild and unpredictable like Maya or mysteriously wise like Semaraiforgothernamea, she’s just another girl like Emily who is pretty, and likes to swim, and is gay, and can blend in just fine with the other kids but has always felt slightly apart. Paige wouldn’t thrill Emily, but I think she could make her happy. She’s transformed from the alluringly psychotic love interest into the potential “safe choice.”
Paige: “I have you to thank for it.”
Emily: “Me? What did I do?”
Paige: “You handled coming out so well, just made it seem possible for me to do it too.”
Emily: “I don’t know about that.”
Paige: “I do. I watched you.”
Emily: “Thanks… I’m glad you were able to.”
Paige: “I just… wish I’d done it sooner.”
…so that we could be getting gay-married in New York this spring.”
Em gets a call– it’s Hanna with an SOS. Paige is like, “is that Maya?” and Emily is like, “No,” and then that’s that.
After some other stuff happens we arrive at one of Rosewood’s many fine dining experiences, where Emily’s grabbing takeout but first spots Maya across the room. So Em darts over, chock-full of psycho-lesbian abandon, only to discover it’s not actually Maya, which means there’s more than two black people in Rosewood, which clearly totally throws Emily off her game.
Em dashes from the diner, fueled by renewed sexual frustration, and she smashes right into Paige, who’s either been stalking Emily or also enjoys eating dinner (it’s wide-open, really).
Once again Paige is newly compassionate and impeccably styled. Meanwhile, Emily’s got tears in her eyes and Paige urges Emily to dish regarding her obvious dishevelment and Emily does, because Emily is needy and sad and isn’t good at talking to her friends about it, apparently.
Emily: “Maya and I got into a fight the other night at the party, and I haven’t talked to her since. I don’t know if she’s breaking up with me or… if she wants to work it out. I don’t know anything cause she won’t call me back.”
Paige: “Don’t you see, Em? this is who she is? When things get tough, she bails. I know you really care about her, but you really need someone you can count on.”
For starters, Paige is totally right, but for seconders, Paige tried to drown Emily in a pool. But for thirds, it wasn’t ever really Paige who left Emily — it was Emily who dumped Paige’s closeted ass in favor of that blonde girl we’ve already forgotten about. So it’s Paige who has to re-prove herself, but Emily might not even care anymore.
Then Paige goes for the makeout…
…and Emily gives her the fakeout and it’s all very sad and annoying and weird and obviously it’s ’cause Emily is still hung up on Maya, who A has probably axe-murdered by now.
Shocked and appalled, Emily escapes into the night.
We return to Emily’s Lesbian Parts in the Seasonless Courtyard, where Emily is leaving Maya another voice mail: “Hey I just want you to know that I’m not angry, I’m just confused and I miss you like crazy. Please call me back. I love you, Maya.”
I mean — GAH! What, exactly, would push Emily over the edge with Maya, then? I mean, I liked Maya, and she’s smokin’ hot and all that but she’s totally shaping up to be one of those girlfriends you can only see privately ’cause nobody else in your life likes her anymore, which is a recipe for disaster, isolation, and Stockholm Syndrome that’ll lead to a fight that’ll lead to you throwing your cell phone at a brick wall, which, I guess, might be a good thing at this point for these weirdos. They should all throw their cell-phones at brick walls.
But of course, I say all this assuming that Maya has indeed bailed, when that might not be the case. She’s probably just smoking drugs with Jason DiLaurentis, her best friend from True North.
I mean, anyhow, let’s fast-forward to Emily’s last scene when she gets a mysterious knock at the door!
Who’s at the door?
Is it Spencer, looking especially dykey and prepared to switch orientations?
Is it Toby, coming over to stop Spencer from switching orientations and breathe like Darth Vader?
Hmm… well, maybe it’s Jenna, stopping by to say something ominous and weird?
No? Oh, I know! It’s a Shark!
Not a shark? Huh. Well, then it must be that guy who married bacon, right?
NOPE JUST KIDDING IT’S THE POLICE!
Anyhow, he wants to talk to Emily about Maya St.Germain. If you want to know why, you should watch next week’s trailer in slow-motion: