Glee Episode 501 Recap: Love Love Love Gay Love

Meanwhile on this sprawling scenic campus, Sue Sylvester’s back at McKinley High and she’s principal ’cause she planted a bunch of porn and Hitler in Figgins’ office and because this is Glee.

Sue: “Jesus said it best: the end justifies the means.”

That explains so much.

you smell that? that's the smell of me doing absolutely no wrong

you smell that? that’s the smell of me doing absolutely no wrong

Elsewhere in the hallowed halls of McKinley’s Home For Wayward Homos, Artie and Fake Quinn are singing “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away” to each other, but mostly to themselves because they can only communicate directly in private. Did you know that some people think John Lennon wrote this Bob-Dylan-influenced song for Brian Epstein, The Beatles’ closeted homosexual manager? Now you do.

this is not even remotely creepy

this is not even remotely creepy/phallic

Apparently Fake Quinn’s been using her undoubtedly acrobatic high-jump skills to write Artie secret messages on the ceiling about meeting her in the boiler room JUST KIDDING WRONG SHOW the science room. a.k.a., “under the stars.”

no, your cuticles look like tiny moons!

no, your cuticles look like tiny moons!

We escape our starry starry nightscape and beeline into the Glee Room, where Blaine’s got a “very special” and arguably “very personal” announcement to make:

Blaine: “As most of you know already, Kurt and I are officially back together.”

Everybody yells wildly as if Schuster just announced it was Diva Week and everybody’s pet gerbil would get free taffy or something. Seriously we’re talking unbridled ecstasy here.

sam had to get in one last butt slap before losing his "best friend" to kurt forever

sam had to get in one last butt slap before losing his “best friend” to kurt forever

Blaine follows up this announcement with yet another; he’s recently suffered a nasty head wound on the King Cobra and therefore thinks it’s a swell idea to ask Kurt to marry him. He didn’t say the part about the head wound, I’m just guessing because why else would a 17-year-old boy think getting hitched to his high school sweetheart is a bright idea.

nobody knows i farted nobody knows i farted it totally could have been tina she's sitting right next to me

nobody knows i farted nobody knows i farted it totally could have been tina she’s sitting right next to me

Sam, who’s hair this season thus far looks like he either just got out of the shower or hasn’t showered in a week, is the only Gleek enthusiastic about Blaine’s announcement, and his reaction is honestly perfect and hilarious, reflecting as it does the sort of clunky but well-intentioned enthusiasm the straights often exude for our brand-new rights:

Sam: “Yeah, guys, come on! Get up guys! Yeah, come on! He’s my best friend! Gay marriage — good! It’s good, it’s good things. They’re all happening so fast. Let’s go!”

Tina is thinking about how they locked Jesse Pinkman in that cage

raise the gay roof, you guys! let’s give the gays something to talk about! all i wanna do is have a little gay before i die!

Blaine’s big plan is to get as many extras as possible involved in this Spectacular Spectacular Gay Marriage Proposal by inviting Vocal Adrenaline, The Warblers, and The Haverbrook School for the Deaf to participate. Unique says “no ma’am” to Vocal Adrenaline and Tina goes on a little unhinged “are you crazy?” rant and Sam’s like, calm down and let my Down-Low Lover speak:

Blaine: “I want this to be more than just an ordinary proposal. I want this to be a statement… hey, our generation is at a turning point. People everywhere — except like, Russia — are beginning to see that it doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from or even what G-d you believe in, they’re beginning to see that people really aren’t all that different. And honestly, if we can get a bunch of cutthroat show choirs to stand side-by-side and unite in something, then anything is possible.”

If Blaine can get all the Glee Clubs to sing together, then anything is possible! World peace! Apple Damn Sandwiches! Rich men investing $6.5 million dollars in Autostraddle! Universal health care! Glee using the correct terms to refer to transgender people! Me owning a car! Me renting a car and not driving it into a pole! Clean underwear forever without doing laundry! Santana and Demi Lovato starting a Selena cover band and scissoring for 23 minutes on our teevee screens! Faberry! For Target to re-stock my size of workout pants because mine have holes in them!

"are you gonna tell him that his fly's unzipped?" "uh-uh you do it."

“are you gonna tell him that his fly’s unzipped?” “uh-uh you do it.”

No but really I think by “make a statement” he means that he’d like this proposal to go viral, like that lesbian who got her cute friends to dress up like Warblers to perform for her proposal to her girlfriend and you watched it five thousand times. The Warblers = YouTube Goldmine. BRB I have to watch the Mini-Warbler again.

Anyhow, thus we leap snazzily into Help!, a raucous athletic journey throughout all of Southwestern Ohio’s Finest Showchoir Hot-Spots punctuated by lords-a-leapin’, girls in spandex and boys in blazers!

last one to the april rhodes pavillion is a rotten egg!

last one to the april rhodes pavillion is a rotten egg!

Did you know that John Lennon wrote HELP! for the movie HELP! and that the topic of the song is basically about him feeling insecure? Well now you do.

i hear there hasn't even been any lesbian action this season. what losers.

i hear there hasn’t even been any lesbian action this season. what losers.

throw a grape in my mouth! not his mouth my mouth!

throw a junior mint in my mouth! not his mouth my mouth!

omg that is a lot of KY Jelly you just squirted down my underroos

omg that is a lot of KY Jelly you just squirted down my underroos

The last place they hit up on their magical mystery tour is Dalton and then the whole situation becomes sort of like a gay porn but with more clothing and women.

i'm sorry but i don't see blaine and his not-bisexual not-boyfriend serenading us like cracked-out wild hyenas on today's agenda?

i’m sorry but i don’t see “blaine and his not-bisexual not-boyfriend serenading us like retro hyenas” on today’s agenda?

trust me bro this is super good for your quads

trust me bro this is super good for your quads

Everybody agrees to participate in this shenanigan, because they also want to go viral.

Zoom on back to the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High School For The Forever Young, where Tina’s flipping out about Artie’s consent to a secret affair with Fake Quinn. She’s like, “where’s your self respect?” and Arite’s like, IDK GTG, butt “the hells out”! And that’s that.

just wait til this math book meets the top of your head, sucker!

just wait til this math book meets the top of your head, sucker!

We then traverse over the river and through the woods in chic cowboy boots, landing at last at Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner, where Rachel’s excitement over a text from Blaine is interrupted when she sees the Famous Broadway Director and Paolo Who Won a Tony lunching in Santana’s section. Because that’s where Broadway folks lunch, is tourist traps staffed by semi-talented aspiring actors and actresses who could break into song at any moment. Anyhow, because there are no rules at this restaurant, Rachel insists on delivering their meal.

what do you mean that's not what you ordered.


Rachel: “Yes it’s me, and yes it’s awkward, but I don’t care, because I am a professional. Even when people are calling me too young or too green — which for your information, I’m not, I am —”

The Famous Broadway Director cuts her off, like “you wanna be a star?” Join the Wanna Be a Star Club. Besides, he adds, they’re not saying Rachel’s not a shiny shiny bright shining star or a pretty pretty perfect princess, they’re just saying she might not be a shiny shiny bright shining star or a pretty pretty perfect princess YET. Rachel says she’ll show ’em by doing a coy-sexy version of Hard Day’s Night with the whole Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner team.

soooo who wants to toss a junior mint down my sexy sexy gullet

soooo who wants to toss a junior mint down my sexy sexy gullet

and this is how quinn fabray likes it

and once you’re all up in there with your fist, you do a little twist like this

yeah this chick's pretty, i'll stick a junior mint in her throat as soon as she stops moving around so much

yeah this chick’s pretty, i’ll stick a junior mint in her throat as soon as she stops moving around so much

we're ready for our senior mints

who’s ready for a mint chocolatey explosion in their mouth?!!!

and this is when she got the part

how can anybody say no to those glutes

I love how now that Rachel’s in college, they’re letting her unleash her Sexier Side, which matches up neatly with Santana who’s been rocking her Sexier Side since the Pilot and who now lacks a Quinn or Brit-Brit to employ it with.

we finally had sex with each other and it was AWESOME!!!!!!

we finally had sex with each other and it was AWESOME!!!!!!

Bear witness:

After this fantastic musical number, Rachel tells Santana they’ve gotta go home ’cause she’s got something special to show her. What about her tables? She has open checks! Shouldn’t she do a cash drop? Who’s gonna take her tables. Nobody even knows what the status is of her tables. She’s being a Dear Catastrophe Waitress and this is giving me anxiety, I feel like I’m in the weeds.

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Marie Lyn Bernard, aka Riese, is an award-winning writer, blogger, journalist, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in the midwest, lost her mind in New York City and is currently making it work in California. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better, The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image and The Hazards of Being Female," "Dirty Girls," and "The Best American Erotica of 2007," magazines including Nylon, Marie Claire, GO, Curve, Interlude, and CollegeBound, and all over the web including, Jezebel, Queerty, Emily Books and OurChart (RIP). She was the recapper for The L Word Online and host of Showtime’s Lezberado and her personal blog has earned many dubious honors including Best Personal Blog 2008. Riese has spoken about blogging, community-building, feminism, cyberculture and sexuality at places like BlogHer, Yale, New York University, The University of Chicago and The Museum of Sex. A graduate of the University of Michigan, Interlochen Arts Academy and The Olive Garden's week-long training intensive; she enjoys eating foods, having big ideas, reading books & talking to her stuffed dog, Tinkerbell. Also, she's Jewish. Follow her smokin’ hot adventures on twitter. Contact: riese[at]

Riese has written 2896 articles for us.


  1. This brightened up my day so much (my day was not going so swimmingly, but I was laughing into my cup throughout the three pages of this (‘my cup’ is not a euphemism for anything, there are other people in the room so I was pretending to drink while reading and laughing)).

    I tried to get over Glee during the summer, and I really almost did it but then it came back like this and I think it’s about time I settled down for the long haul. A lot of the dialogue and plotting is beyond crap, but the Kurt and Blaine scene at the end, plus Rachel being all Rachel and Santana being Santana..I just can’t let this damn show go.

  2. *ridiculously romantic sigh of happiness*
    That is literally what I have to say about this episode. Call me whatever, but that proposal eclipsed everything else.
    I also continue to enjoy recaps most greatly.
    *scurries off to read fanfiction*

  3. Is anyone else super confused as to why none of the seniors graduated last year?
    I mean, this is the fifth year of Tina and Artie, and the fourth of Blaine and Sam.

    If these kids are incapable of graduating you would think they would have had help by now! Or am I thinking far too much about the plot holes inherent in the show I used to love?

  4. I wish I had read this before watching the episode. I thought Demi was going to be in it and I was prepared for lady lovin, but then as it turns out I wasted like 30min and no lady kisses. (only 30 min because I fast forward through half of it)

  5. Not only do I remember Tiffany, but by some magical, fateful happenstance my band got to open for her at a Pride festival a couple of years ago.


    I continue to adore your recaps, Riese! So That Others May Not Have to Actually Watch the Show.

  6. I logged in to leave a comment because I wholeheartedly appreaciate your efforts, Riese. The captions are totally on point. Possibly (definitely) the best part of the recap.

    Also the youtube videos cut away before the gay kissing. What’s with that, universe.

  7. I think this is one of the best Glee recaps yet!! So funny! I stopped watching Glee last year because of so many disappointments but this episode was awesome. Kurt & Blaine need their own show because basically they are the only good thing about Glee. Although I am very excited about Demi & Santana… let’s hope the positive vibes continue.

  8. I watched this because I wanted to see Demi and Santana snog, and because my best friend loves it. Blaine’s speech straight up made me want to vomit, it was so sticky sweet and disgusting. I stopped watching glee around the time what’s his face nearly killed himself, and this episode really drove home why. Why :(

  9. Am I the only one that thinks they are waay to young to be getting engaged/married? I’m all for Klaine dating, but marriage just doesn’t seem right. I hope they are planning on marrying a long time from now.

    Thank you Riese for enduring this show another season and recapping it for us!

    • Yeah, I was going the entire time: “Say NO, Kurt!” They shouldn’t get married because:

      1) They had just broken up after Blaine cheated and got back together, like 5 seconds ago.

      2) They are 17/18

      3) Things Blaine said made it sound like he did it as much for the symbolic nature of two men marrying, which is great except for 1 and 2.

      4) I really wanted Kurt to be the sane one who was like WOAH BRAKES, and then they develop the relationship and then they get married.

      5) Modern family proposal = felt so right compared to this. Total opposite, they went for flashy, totally screwed it, but realized they just knew each other well enough that the simplest proposal works. But then again, when does Glee do simple right?

      But then Blaine did his little speech thing and everything inside me melted and I couldn’t count straight so, yeah, I could see how Kurt would say yes.

  10. YAY RIESE’S GLEE RECAPS ARE BACK! Even though this show is mostly ridiculous, I just can’t quit it because Santana and Rachel. So I suffer through/mostly don’t pay attention to the rest.

    “Santana and Demi Lovato starting a Selena cover band and scissoring for 23 minutes on our teevee screens!” – I’d watch this. (Also I feel like I probs shouldn’t post spoilers in here but if you want to know a thing, check out Lea Michele’s twitter.)

  11. “but also he’s so young and hasn’t even been to happy hour at Posh yet or slept with Brian Kinney or marginalized the needs of gay women in a large national LGBT rights organization”

    Great recap as usual but this line was perfect!

  12. These recaps always make me want to be a lesbian.

    Yay for the return of Riese. I liked Heather very much but ain’t nobody like you, babe.

    Are we not going to talk about the castration of Sebastian Smythe? I guess it was proof that he really wanted more than Blaine’s ass, if he was willing to do an idiotic Teenage Dream do-over dance to make him happy and drive him into the arms of Puerto-Rican Pride Float Hummel (I love Chris Colfer to pieces, just would have loved Sebastian to be a “mid-game” guy for Blaine.) I found the whole proposal to be heartbreaking once Sebastian came into the picture, even though I thought Darren and Chris did a wonderful job of masking their personal disapproval of the teen marriage storyline.

  13. So, it really just makes me incredibly happy that Darren Criss got the little Paul McCartney head-wiggle down in ‘I Saw Her Standing There’. His whole body language is great, and totally young Macca. Which makes me nostalgic.

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