Glee Episode 501 Recap: Love Love Love Gay Love

Welcome to the first recap of the fifth season of Glee, a show about laughing, dancing around in your underwear and cooking pasta! Just kidding, that’s not what Glee‘s about, that’s what Burt Hummel thought marriage would be about when he was 22 but then he grew up and discovered marriage is actually about fighting in your underwear. Coincidentally, “fighting in your underwear” is also what Glee is about. Furthermore, Glee is about scissoring, rose petals, hair crimpers, horse meat, piggy banks, tongue piercings, seesaws, bacterial vaginosis, failed kickstarter campaigns, women who have sex with bridges, poutine, Ringo Starr and a group of rag-tag musical aspirants forced to toil away at a racist diner in order to feed their pet horses.

2-Broke-Girls-full

Overall, I found this episode to be relatively delightful, especially because there were so many musical numbers that there wasn’t much time for talking, and talking is where this show tends to get itself into trouble. Also, I love The Beatles and am more familiar with their Collected Works than any other band in the universe (runner up: The Indigo Girls) (i know). Sidenote: I think I’m doing my best work in the captions these days. ARE YOU READY TO DIG IN TO THIS? LEZZZZZ GO!


We open in the big bright city of New York, New York, specifically on Angus’ Bistro, a restaurant popular amongst Broadway actors hankering for post-show cocktails and/or lettuce wedges and/or melon balls.

rachel had selected her magenta coat because it matched the shade of her favorite JimmyJane personal vibe, but was pleased to discover its complementary tones also matched the Funny Girl sign

rachel had selected her magenta coat for good luck because it matched the shade of her favorite minna ola vibrator, but was pleased to discover that its complementary tones also matched the Funny Girl sign

Unfortunately, Rachel Berry’s not on 44th & 8th to get trashed with the cast of Kinky Boots, she’s merely passing by on her way to St. James Theater for her Funny Girl callback, which lasts about thirty seconds.

but if i spread out my hands like this once i'm inside her, well, that's when we get into multiple-orgasm territory

but if i spread out my hands like this once i’m inside her, well, that’s when we get into multiple-orgasm territory

Famous Broadway Director and Paolo Who Won A Tony tell her they’ve heard enough, but mostly I’m distracted by the fact that Famous Broadway Director is being played by Peter Facinelli, aka MIKE DEXTER.

i can't hardly wait

that’s right babes, i can count to two!!!

If, for some surely tragic reason, you’re unfamiliar with the classic teen flick Can’t Hardly Wait, perhaps you are of the generation more likely to associate Peter Facinelli with this travesty of a franchise:

tell me more about why twilight is a feminist's nightmare, riese

tell me more about why twilight is a feminist’s nightmare, riese

Anyhow! As Rachel sulks in the wings, she overhears Mike Dexter and Paolo Who Won a Tony saying she looks right and acts real good but might be too young to pull it off.

stay calm and remind yourself of quinn's scent

stay calm and remind yourself of quinn’s scent

Then, apropros of both nothing and absolutely everything at the same time, Rachel Berry breaks into The Beatles’ Yesterday while we cry softly into our dinner napkins thinking of how hard this must have been for Lea to do because Cory. I used to love this song so much I recorded it from one tape deck to another, over and over again, until I filled an entire 60-minute cassette with “Yesterday.” Then I would sit on my futon and listen to my tape and cry for no reason. Oh, youth.

fuck i really should've worn pants it is cold as hell out here

fuck i really should’ve worn pants it is cold as hell out here

Rachel walks by Sardi’s, where she formerly dined with Finn Hudson, singing “why he had to go I don’t know / he wouldn’t say,” and she looks at a picture on her iphone of the whole gang…

#nofilter

#nofilter

…and she walks through Central Park where they did that big number with the balloons back in Season Two and your heart breaks a thousand times for Lea and keeps on breaking until…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCJIFFkeIbI

…the song ends and we’re thrust aggressively into a black-and-white montage of Ryder Bieber-Strong’s pores. But I’m getting ahead of myself here! Did you know that “Yesterday” is one of the most-covered songs in musical history and that it’s also the first recording by the Beatles that only featured one member of the band (Paul McCartney) and that the rest of the band didn’t feel like it really fit in with the rest of their work? Well, now you do.


We then slap on some socks, toss on some Tevas, strap unleavened bread to our backs and plunge our iPod into our eardrums for a grueling hike all the way from New York, New York, to Lima Ohio, home to the Lima Wastewater Treatment Plant, for another thrilling meeting of The McKinley High Super-Winners Glee Club.

please say brittani nichols please say brittani nichols

please say brittani nichols please say brittani nichols

This bi-week’s theme is The Beatles, one of my favorite bands of all time (and one of the best bands of all time). Will announces that if the Gleeks can master The Beatles, they’ll win Nationals and cement a Glee Club Dynasty Championship Dynamite Achievement Award Of All Time. Ryder’s into it:

captain planet power forever!

captain planet power forever!

Then Tina nods and smiles a lot while the other children discuss their various connections (or lack thereof) to The Beatles, and then Artie wheels Fake Quinn through the hallways while waxing nostalgic about how she helped him get in to The Brooklyn Film Academy, which sounds like a for-profit scam fake college situation, but whatever, and therefore he wants to take her out to Breadsticks. But she hates Breadsticks!

trust me you haven't toured italy 'til you've tried "the tour of italy"

well how about the olive garden, then? because trust me you haven’t toured italy ’til you’ve tried “the tour of italy”

Finally, Artie scores a date with is suggestion that they hit up the local Carnival instead, which segues neatly into yet another musical number, “Drive My Car!

omg of course you can finger me like that one scene in "fear"

omg of course you can finger me like that one scene in “fear”

This riotous fun-filled motion-sickness-inducing freewheeling musical situation cartwheels us through a number of terrifying but allegedly fun amusements with the perpetually orgasmic Gleek gang.

caption

crash pad series episode #456

After the song, some bitchy Cheerios tell Fake Quinn they’ve uploaded some pics of her and Artie canoodling to instagram, which inspires Fake Quinn to tell Artie they should def go out but totally in secret, “like secretly gay conservatives do.”

Artie: “So you like me but you don’t wanna be seen with me?
Fake Quinn: “I need status at this school to survive.”

No you don’t, you just need food, water and shelter. Kids these days are so entitled.

now leave us alone so we can go play furries in a fort

now leave us alone so we can go play furries in a fort


We then board a PT Cruiser and crank up the Jewel and speed all the way back to New York, New York, where Santana’s gotten Rachel a job at The Spotlight Cafe, aka Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner, by showing Gunther her left side-boob, a scene unfortunately not  included in this week’s episode for the whole family to enjoy. But damn do those little Sexy Majorette costumes look hella cute!

hey, stop staring at that hot sous chef from Chopped and help me out with these buns

hey, stop staring at your reflection and help me out with these buns, hon

“I wanna be grown up and living and making it on my own,” says Rachel in her best grown-up voice. “We’re basically working actresses,” notes Santana.

fuck i forgot to change my tampon

fuck i forgot to change my tampon before putting on these koolats


We then fire up the FTL drives and jump on back to Lima, Ohio, where Kurt and Blaine are enjoying a relaxing picnic in McKinley’s luxurious outdoor dining area, replete with confusing neckwear and shiny silverware.

so you're 100% sure you have an alibi for the night lily kane was murdered?

can’t see the sailboat

Blaine, likely impressed by the muscle Chris Colfer’s acquired in the offseason, begs his butt-buddy to re-boyfriend him, promising that he’ll never ever ever never cheat again. Then they can be together forever like Will and Jada and send their adorable talented children to Scientology school to learn about being aliens for a million trillion years! Why hasn’t anyone made a Scientology sitcom.

could you move slightly to the left because your pants are blinding me

now wait, i promise you there’s something gluten-free in the basket, you just have to be patient

Good news: Klaine is back ON. Thus Kurt, rocking Full Petal Jacket chic, leads the nubile youths, Colonel Blaine Mustard and the McKinley High School Marching Band into a celebratory production of “Got To Get You Into My Life.”

take me babyyyyy or leaveeeeeeeee me

who wants to touch my nipples!!!????

that girl in the tie-dyed skirt is really confused about what happened to her lunch hour

that girl in the tie-dyed skirt is really possessive of that trapper keeper

you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around

you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around…

check my teeth for spinach, brah

check my teeth for spinach, brah

It’s twinky and bright and big and sprightly and goofy, topped off with a celebratory kiss WITH FULL TONGUE led by a suddenly super-sexy Kurt Hummel.

http://youtu.be/A6IVgWkvQxE


Meanwhile on this sprawling scenic campus, Sue Sylvester’s back at McKinley High and she’s principal ’cause she planted a bunch of porn and Hitler in Figgins’ office and because this is Glee.

Sue: “Jesus said it best: the end justifies the means.”

That explains so much.

you smell that? that's the smell of me doing absolutely no wrong

you smell that? that’s the smell of me doing absolutely no wrong

Elsewhere in the hallowed halls of McKinley’s Home For Wayward Homos, Artie and Fake Quinn are singing “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away” to each other, but mostly to themselves because they can only communicate directly in private. Did you know that some people think John Lennon wrote this Bob-Dylan-influenced song for Brian Epstein, The Beatles’ closeted homosexual manager? Now you do.

this is not even remotely creepy

this is not even remotely creepy/phallic

Apparently Fake Quinn’s been using her undoubtedly acrobatic high-jump skills to write Artie secret messages on the ceiling about meeting her in the boiler room JUST KIDDING WRONG SHOW the science room. a.k.a., “under the stars.”

no, your cuticles look like tiny moons!

no, your cuticles look like tiny moons!


We escape our starry starry nightscape and beeline into the Glee Room, where Blaine’s got a “very special” and arguably “very personal” announcement to make:

Blaine: “As most of you know already, Kurt and I are officially back together.”

Everybody yells wildly as if Schuster just announced it was Diva Week and everybody’s pet gerbil would get free taffy or something. Seriously we’re talking unbridled ecstasy here.

sam had to get in one last butt slap before losing his "best friend" to kurt forever

sam had to get in one last butt slap before losing his “best friend” to kurt forever

Blaine follows up this announcement with yet another; he’s recently suffered a nasty head wound on the King Cobra and therefore thinks it’s a swell idea to ask Kurt to marry him. He didn’t say the part about the head wound, I’m just guessing because why else would a 17-year-old boy think getting hitched to his high school sweetheart is a bright idea.

nobody knows i farted nobody knows i farted it totally could have been tina she's sitting right next to me

nobody knows i farted nobody knows i farted it totally could have been tina she’s sitting right next to me

Sam, who’s hair this season thus far looks like he either just got out of the shower or hasn’t showered in a week, is the only Gleek enthusiastic about Blaine’s announcement, and his reaction is honestly perfect and hilarious, reflecting as it does the sort of clunky but well-intentioned enthusiasm the straights often exude for our brand-new rights:

Sam: “Yeah, guys, come on! Get up guys! Yeah, come on! He’s my best friend! Gay marriage — good! It’s good, it’s good things. They’re all happening so fast. Let’s go!”

Tina is thinking about how they locked Jesse Pinkman in that cage

raise the gay roof, you guys! let’s give the gays something to talk about! all i wanna do is have a little gay before i die!

Blaine’s big plan is to get as many extras as possible involved in this Spectacular Spectacular Gay Marriage Proposal by inviting Vocal Adrenaline, The Warblers, and The Haverbrook School for the Deaf to participate. Unique says “no ma’am” to Vocal Adrenaline and Tina goes on a little unhinged “are you crazy?” rant and Sam’s like, calm down and let my Down-Low Lover speak:

Blaine: “I want this to be more than just an ordinary proposal. I want this to be a statement… hey, our generation is at a turning point. People everywhere — except like, Russia — are beginning to see that it doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from or even what G-d you believe in, they’re beginning to see that people really aren’t all that different. And honestly, if we can get a bunch of cutthroat show choirs to stand side-by-side and unite in something, then anything is possible.”

If Blaine can get all the Glee Clubs to sing together, then anything is possible! World peace! Apple Damn Sandwiches! Rich men investing $6.5 million dollars in Autostraddle! Universal health care! Glee using the correct terms to refer to transgender people! Me owning a car! Me renting a car and not driving it into a pole! Clean underwear forever without doing laundry! Santana and Demi Lovato starting a Selena cover band and scissoring for 23 minutes on our teevee screens! Faberry! For Target to re-stock my size of workout pants because mine have holes in them!

"are you gonna tell him that his fly's unzipped?" "uh-uh you do it."

“are you gonna tell him that his fly’s unzipped?” “uh-uh you do it.”

No but really I think by “make a statement” he means that he’d like this proposal to go viral, like that lesbian who got her cute friends to dress up like Warblers to perform for her proposal to her girlfriend and you watched it five thousand times. The Warblers = YouTube Goldmine. BRB I have to watch the Mini-Warbler again.

Anyhow, thus we leap snazzily into Help!, a raucous athletic journey throughout all of Southwestern Ohio’s Finest Showchoir Hot-Spots punctuated by lords-a-leapin’, girls in spandex and boys in blazers!

last one to the april rhodes pavillion is a rotten egg!

last one to the april rhodes pavillion is a rotten egg!

Did you know that John Lennon wrote HELP! for the movie HELP! and that the topic of the song is basically about him feeling insecure? Well now you do.

i hear there hasn't even been any lesbian action this season. what losers.

i hear there hasn’t even been any lesbian action this season. what losers.

throw a grape in my mouth! not his mouth my mouth!

throw a junior mint in my mouth! not his mouth my mouth!

omg that is a lot of KY Jelly you just squirted down my underroos

omg that is a lot of KY Jelly you just squirted down my underroos

The last place they hit up on their magical mystery tour is Dalton and then the whole situation becomes sort of like a gay porn but with more clothing and women.

i'm sorry but i don't see blaine and his not-bisexual not-boyfriend serenading us like cracked-out wild hyenas on today's agenda?

i’m sorry but i don’t see “blaine and his not-bisexual not-boyfriend serenading us like retro hyenas” on today’s agenda?

trust me bro this is super good for your quads

trust me bro this is super good for your quads

Everybody agrees to participate in this shenanigan, because they also want to go viral.

http://youtu.be/Z2ZCYwBjrEY


Zoom on back to the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High School For The Forever Young, where Tina’s flipping out about Artie’s consent to a secret affair with Fake Quinn. She’s like, “where’s your self respect?” and Arite’s like, IDK GTG, butt “the hells out”! And that’s that.

just wait til this math book meets the top of your head, sucker!

just wait til this math book meets the top of your head, sucker!


We then traverse over the river and through the woods in chic cowboy boots, landing at last at Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner, where Rachel’s excitement over a text from Blaine is interrupted when she sees the Famous Broadway Director and Paolo Who Won a Tony lunching in Santana’s section. Because that’s where Broadway folks lunch, is tourist traps staffed by semi-talented aspiring actors and actresses who could break into song at any moment. Anyhow, because there are no rules at this restaurant, Rachel insists on delivering their meal.

what do you mean that's not what you ordered.

I’M BRINGING REX’S LUNCH!

Rachel: “Yes it’s me, and yes it’s awkward, but I don’t care, because I am a professional. Even when people are calling me too young or too green — which for your information, I’m not, I am —”

The Famous Broadway Director cuts her off, like “you wanna be a star?” Join the Wanna Be a Star Club. Besides, he adds, they’re not saying Rachel’s not a shiny shiny bright shining star or a pretty pretty perfect princess, they’re just saying she might not be a shiny shiny bright shining star or a pretty pretty perfect princess YET. Rachel says she’ll show ’em by doing a coy-sexy version of Hard Day’s Night with the whole Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner team.

soooo who wants to toss a junior mint down my sexy sexy gullet

soooo who wants to toss a junior mint down my sexy sexy gullet

and this is how quinn fabray likes it

and once you’re all up in there with your fist, you do a little twist like this

yeah this chick's pretty, i'll stick a junior mint in her throat as soon as she stops moving around so much

yeah this chick’s pretty, i’ll stick a junior mint in her throat as soon as she stops moving around so much

we're ready for our senior mints

who’s ready for a mint chocolatey explosion in their mouth?!!!

and this is when she got the part

how can anybody say no to those glutes

I love how now that Rachel’s in college, they’re letting her unleash her Sexier Side, which matches up neatly with Santana who’s been rocking her Sexier Side since the Pilot and who now lacks a Quinn or Brit-Brit to employ it with.

we finally had sex with each other and it was AWESOME!!!!!!

we finally had sex with each other and it was AWESOME!!!!!!

Bear witness:
http://youtu.be/Gtfos7mSE-8

After this fantastic musical number, Rachel tells Santana they’ve gotta go home ’cause she’s got something special to show her. What about her tables? She has open checks! Shouldn’t she do a cash drop? Who’s gonna take her tables. Nobody even knows what the status is of her tables. She’s being a Dear Catastrophe Waitress and this is giving me anxiety, I feel like I’m in the weeds.


We briefly interlude for some Adult Parts, wherein Sue informs Schuster he’s gotta win Nationals to keep his job or else “you’ll be forced to build creepy relationships with teenagers on your own time.”

now that's not a word i expected to see on the PSATs this year

well now, cunnilingus is not a word i expected to see on the PSATs this year


Back in Glee Club, Tina desperately attempts to tie this week’s Beatles theme into her concern over Artie’s Down Low Lover:

Tina: “Would you say that the early Beatles looked out for each other even when they didn’t want to be looked out for?… In that case, I’m sorry Artie but this is for your own good. Everyone, Kitty and Artie are dating, but Kitty’s making Artie hide it because she’s embarrassed about it and that’s emotional abuse. Artie is a great guy and he deserves to be loved openly and proudly and without conditions.”

caption

what do you mean you haven’t watched orange is the new black yet

Fake Quinn’s like yeah duh, but before coming out as being Artie’s No.1 Squeeze, Fake Quinn had to be extra-super-sure she was willing to deal with instagram bullying, night sweats, and the vulnerability of her human heart. But now she’s super-sure they can be in true love forever ever and is ready to be wide open about it. So there: problem solved!

if she can love me in this outfit, she's really in it for life

if she can love me in this outfit, she’s really in it for life


A few hours, minutes, days or eons later, Blaine has called a special meeting of the Too Old To Be On This Show Club to discuss Tina’s solo status in the Too Young To Be Bitter Club and other evidence of her mental unraveling, like eating a lot of snack cakes alone under the stars.

Okay, here's your motivation. You're lost, you're angry in the woods, and no one is here to help you.

Okay, here’s your motivation. You’re lost, you’re angry in the woods, and no one is here to help you.

Blaine: “One of our own has turned into a mean, bitter and angry person.” [everybody says “Tina”] “She didn’t used to be like this. She was a sweet girl who dated Artie. Until he dumped her because he found out she was faking her stutter. And then she dated Mike Chang until he dumped her because she wasn’t Asian enough, or something. “

[not true.]

Oh no! What is Tina going to do?

How can we make Tina better?

What will fix Tina’s sad loneliness?

men

I cannot WAIT to see what these geniuses have in store.

caption

just twelve minutes left in this episode boys, hold on to your sneakers.

After blaming Blaine for Tina’s sorry state, the boys get together and decide to cure her ennui by fixing a bunch of tires or something.

cool story bro

cool story bro


Then Sue tries to annoy Figgins by dropping a bunch of meat slurry in the hallway, it’s gross.

mckinley is no longer a safe space for vegans

mckinley is no longer a safe space for vegans

Who cares about that though really when we have MEN SCHEMING to pay attention to!


WHAT HAVE THE MEN PLANNED??!!!!

look it spins around and around like a spinny top

look it spins around and around like a spinny top

Oh. A song.

http://youtu.be/PoK4o6XoeAs

Tina’s been summoned to the auditorium for “I Saw Her Standing There,” for which Tina, Marley, Fake Quinn and Unique play the role of Crazed Beatles Fangirls and the Boys of Glee play the Boys of the Beatles, and Tina goes super wild and dances all over the stage like the Easter Bunny on ecstasy, which’s actually super cute and fun, but also whatever.

now you watch your teeth

now the first thing to keep in mind is “watch your teeth”

This was the first Beatles song I fell in love with, I think I was just seven at the time. Also, Tiffany did a cover I enjoyed for some reason. If you remember Tiffany, then you win the day.

why wont' anannyyyyonnennne throw junior mints in my moutthhhhh

why won’t anannyyyyonnennne throw junior mints in my moutthhhhh

but tell me baby do you like it like this

but tell me baby do you like it like this

give me a line or a junior mint stat!

give me a line or a junior mint stat! preferably a line!

Tina’s like, thanks for the song boys, but what’s the point. Blaine explains that Tina’s seemed awfully lonely lately. You know, because this show’s never given her a best female friend, her Year of Shining Tina hasn’t yet come to fruition, and she lost the lead in the school musical to an alum. JUST KIDDING it’s because she doesn’t have a prom date! Once again, the answer to what’s missing is…

shutterstock_90546670

Thus Blaine is offering up the services of his bandmates to be Tina’s “arm candy” at Prom. Who will she pick? The gay guy proposing to his boyfriend this weekend, the floppy-haired transphobe in love with Marley-Kate, Marley-Kate’s boyfriend Puck Junior or Blaine’s down-low secret-stars boyfriend Sam? Except then Puck Junior removes himself from the running because Marley-Kate, making this situation even stupider than it already was.

uh you guys are really cute and all me and marley are kind of a secret down low under the stars thing

uh you guys are really cute and all me and marley are kind of a secret down low under the stars thing

Tina: “Well, it’s hard to pick. Ryder has arms, and Blaine is my boo, but I think I’ll go with Sam because he’s the least gay and the least Asian of all of you. And thank you guys, I really needed this.”

I KNEW IT I KNEW RYDER WAS GAY. Just kidding Ryder’s not gay. For some reason I really want there to be a bisexual male character on this show. Ideally Sam. Sam seems super bisexual to me. You know what Tina really needs though? A sleepover with the girls and probably also an apple damn sandwich…. and a solo.


Cut to the Hummel Hummer, manouvering through the scenic green-screens of the Paramount Lot on their way to the airport, when Kurt’s like cut the crap Dad, I know you’re driving me to Blaine’s secret proposal situation.

holy shit is that the glee recapper from autostraddle running into a pole in a rental car?

holy shit is that the glee recapper from autostraddle running into a pole in a rental car?

What will Kurt say when Blaine pops the question? Well, Kurt la-la-la-loves Blaine and doesn’t think he’ll meet somebody who makes him feel that safe and loved ever again, but also he’s so young and hasn’t even been to happy hour at Posh yet or slept with Brian Kinney or marginalized the needs of gay women in a large national LGBT rights organization or worn a g-string to a Pride Parade!

look son, i tried to talk your lesbian boyfriend out of it, but the man is determined to go viral, what can i say

look son, i tried to talk your lesbian boyfriend out of it, but the man is determined to go viral, what can i say

Burt points out that he and Kurt’s Mom married when they were super young, and you think it’s gonna be all laughing, dancing in your underpants and boning, but marriage is actually super hard. Kurt asks if Burt wishes he’d waited and Burt was like HELL NO ‘CAUSE THEN SHE DIED. So obvs Kurt has to say yes to Blaine in case he dies. I really hope they wrote the script for this episode a long long long time ago.

Anyhow, LET’S SING AND DANCE!

nice horns, fellas, i love to watch you blow

nice horns, fellas, fuck i love to watch you blow

Luckily, Blaine and Kurt have come dressed for their traditional Thursday Night Colonel Mustard / Professor Plum role play, although the lead pipe’s nowhere to be found, and thus we launch into All You Need Is Love, starring BLAINE with backup from several drummers drumming and many horns ‘a blowing.

just come inside i promise this isn't like when i made a bunch of guys in outfits seduce you into riding the tower of terror with me

just come inside i promise this isn’t like when i made a bunch of guys in outfits seduce you into riding the tower of terror with me

Blaine’s even teleported in the crew from New York, New York and wherever Mercedes is living these days!

omg haaaayyyy mercedes "dancing with the stars" jones

omg haaaiiiiii we brought froyo

Once inside this magestic mountain proposal castle, Kurt hugs everybody and the Warblers dance around and Unique and Marley both look super hot and Rachel’s pulling off a very strange outfit which I think means she’s totally ready to be a star, because that’s what stars do: they pull off patterns and stripes and knee socks all at the same time.

all the junior mints in the world are just getting ready to leap into your mouth!

all the junior mints in the world are just getting ready to leap into your mouth!

Then the kids from The School For The Deaf, including lots of chicks in blazers (hello, ladies!!!), sign things about love and rose petals fall from the sky because probably Blaine also got G-d involved.

and then the goddesses rained junior mints down upon their tender gullets

and then the goddesses rained junior mints down upon their tender gullets

Then Blaine launches into his big proposal speech, which means it’s your turn to cry like Mrs. Soames:

Blaine: “We met right here and I took this man’s hand, and we ran down that hallway and those of you who know me know I’m not in the habit of taking people’s hands I’ve never met before —”

[that is absolutely not true at all.]

Blaine: “—but I think that my soul knew something that my body and my mind didn’t know yet. It knew that our hands were meant to hold each other, fearlessly, and forever. Which is why it’s never really felt like I’ve been getting to know you; it’s always felt like I was remembering you from something, as if in every lifetime that you and I have ever lived, we have chosen to come back and find each other and fall in love all over again, over and over for all eternity. And I just feel so lucky that I found you so soon in this lifetime because all I wanna do and all I’ve ever wanted to do is spend my life loving you.”

it's a toe ring! i got it on venice beach!

it’s a toe ring! i got it on venice beach!

Here, see for yourself:
http://youtu.be/-fJsMAsbKdA

crap i gotta pee so fucking bad but this feels like a bad moment

crap i gotta pee so fucking bad but this feels like a bad moment

Kurt says yes.

fuck bro this shit is way too tight for my fingers

fuck bro this shit is way too tight for my fingers

i can't believe they made me come all the way here from dancing with the stars and didn't even give me a solo

i can’t believe they made me come all the way here from dancing with the stars and didn’t even give me a solo

Did you know that in 1988, a scene in Thirtysomething featuring two gay men in bed after sex incited an “uproar,” 400 phone calls to the FCC, and $1.5 million in lost advertising revenue? And in 1994, advertisers were so upset about a potential gay kiss on Melrose Place that the show decided to pull the camera away instead of showing it? Also in 1994, ABC declined to air a Roseanne episode featuring a lady-on-lady kiss, because they stood to loose $1 million in ad revenue and felt it would be “bad for the kids to see,” but Roseanne threatened to switch networks if they didn’t air it, so they did. Did you know that in 2000, Kerr Smith, who played Jack McPhee on Dawson’s Creek, was one-half of the first prime-time romantic gay kiss on network television — but he then told Entertainment Weekly about the kiss: “It’s not the most fun thing in the world, but I agreed to play this role, and [producer] Greg Berlanti does want to take it that far….That’s as far as I’m going to take it. I don’t think teenagers need to see two guys kissing on a weekly basis.'”? Well, now you do.

Look at us now!

it's just that blowbacks get me so high

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riese

Marie Lyn Bernard, aka Riese, is an award-winning writer, blogger, journalist, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in the midwest, lost her mind in New York City and is currently making it work in California. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better, The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image and The Hazards of Being Female," "Dirty Girls," and "The Best American Erotica of 2007," magazines including Nylon, Marie Claire, GO, Curve, Interlude, and CollegeBound, and all over the web including nerve.com, Jezebel, Queerty, Emily Books and OurChart (RIP). She was the recapper for The L Word Online and host of Showtime’s Lezberado and her personal blog has earned many dubious honors including Best Personal Blog 2008. Riese has spoken about blogging, community-building, feminism, cyberculture and sexuality at places like BlogHer, Yale, New York University, The University of Chicago and The Museum of Sex. A graduate of the University of Michigan, Interlochen Arts Academy and The Olive Garden's week-long training intensive; she enjoys eating foods, having big ideas, reading books & talking to her stuffed dog, Tinkerbell. Also, she's Jewish. Follow her smokin’ hot adventures on twitter. Contact: riese[at]autostraddle.com

Riese has written 2895 articles for us.

45 Comments

  1. This brightened up my day so much (my day was not going so swimmingly, but I was laughing into my cup throughout the three pages of this (‘my cup’ is not a euphemism for anything, there are other people in the room so I was pretending to drink while reading and laughing)).

    I tried to get over Glee during the summer, and I really almost did it but then it came back like this and I think it’s about time I settled down for the long haul. A lot of the dialogue and plotting is beyond crap, but the Kurt and Blaine scene at the end, plus Rachel being all Rachel and Santana being Santana..I just can’t let this damn show go.

  2. *ridiculously romantic sigh of happiness*
    That is literally what I have to say about this episode. Call me whatever, but that proposal eclipsed everything else.
    I also continue to enjoy recaps most greatly.
    *scurries off to read fanfiction*

  3. Is anyone else super confused as to why none of the seniors graduated last year?
    I mean, this is the fifth year of Tina and Artie, and the fourth of Blaine and Sam.

    If these kids are incapable of graduating you would think they would have had help by now! Or am I thinking far too much about the plot holes inherent in the show I used to love?

  4. I wish I had read this before watching the episode. I thought Demi was going to be in it and I was prepared for lady lovin, but then as it turns out I wasted like 30min and no lady kisses. (only 30 min because I fast forward through half of it)

  5. Not only do I remember Tiffany, but by some magical, fateful happenstance my band got to open for her at a Pride festival a couple of years ago.

    /brag

    I continue to adore your recaps, Riese! So That Others May Not Have to Actually Watch the Show.

  6. I logged in to leave a comment because I wholeheartedly appreaciate your efforts, Riese. The captions are totally on point. Possibly (definitely) the best part of the recap.

    Also the youtube videos cut away before the gay kissing. What’s with that, universe.

  7. I think this is one of the best Glee recaps yet!! So funny! I stopped watching Glee last year because of so many disappointments but this episode was awesome. Kurt & Blaine need their own show because basically they are the only good thing about Glee. Although I am very excited about Demi & Santana… let’s hope the positive vibes continue.

  8. I watched this because I wanted to see Demi and Santana snog, and because my best friend loves it. Blaine’s speech straight up made me want to vomit, it was so sticky sweet and disgusting. I stopped watching glee around the time what’s his face nearly killed himself, and this episode really drove home why. Why :(

  9. Am I the only one that thinks they are waay to young to be getting engaged/married? I’m all for Klaine dating, but marriage just doesn’t seem right. I hope they are planning on marrying a long time from now.

    Thank you Riese for enduring this show another season and recapping it for us!

    • Yeah, I was going the entire time: “Say NO, Kurt!” They shouldn’t get married because:

      1) They had just broken up after Blaine cheated and got back together, like 5 seconds ago.

      2) They are 17/18

      3) Things Blaine said made it sound like he did it as much for the symbolic nature of two men marrying, which is great except for 1 and 2.

      4) I really wanted Kurt to be the sane one who was like WOAH BRAKES, and then they develop the relationship and then they get married.

      5) Modern family proposal = felt so right compared to this. Total opposite, they went for flashy, totally screwed it, but realized they just knew each other well enough that the simplest proposal works. But then again, when does Glee do simple right?

      But then Blaine did his little speech thing and everything inside me melted and I couldn’t count straight so, yeah, I could see how Kurt would say yes.

  10. YAY RIESE’S GLEE RECAPS ARE BACK! Even though this show is mostly ridiculous, I just can’t quit it because Santana and Rachel. So I suffer through/mostly don’t pay attention to the rest.

    “Santana and Demi Lovato starting a Selena cover band and scissoring for 23 minutes on our teevee screens!” – I’d watch this. (Also I feel like I probs shouldn’t post spoilers in here but if you want to know a thing, check out Lea Michele’s twitter.)

  11. “but also he’s so young and hasn’t even been to happy hour at Posh yet or slept with Brian Kinney or marginalized the needs of gay women in a large national LGBT rights organization”

    Great recap as usual but this line was perfect!

  12. These recaps always make me want to be a lesbian.

    Yay for the return of Riese. I liked Heather very much but ain’t nobody like you, babe.

    Are we not going to talk about the castration of Sebastian Smythe? I guess it was proof that he really wanted more than Blaine’s ass, if he was willing to do an idiotic Teenage Dream do-over dance to make him happy and drive him into the arms of Puerto-Rican Pride Float Hummel (I love Chris Colfer to pieces, just would have loved Sebastian to be a “mid-game” guy for Blaine.) I found the whole proposal to be heartbreaking once Sebastian came into the picture, even though I thought Darren and Chris did a wonderful job of masking their personal disapproval of the teen marriage storyline.

  13. So, it really just makes me incredibly happy that Darren Criss got the little Paul McCartney head-wiggle down in ‘I Saw Her Standing There’. His whole body language is great, and totally young Macca. Which makes me nostalgic.

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