Glee Episode 501 Recap: Love Love Love Gay Love

We briefly interlude for some Adult Parts, wherein Sue informs Schuster he’s gotta win Nationals to keep his job or else “you’ll be forced to build creepy relationships with teenagers on your own time.”

now that's not a word i expected to see on the PSATs this year

well now, cunnilingus is not a word i expected to see on the PSATs this year


Back in Glee Club, Tina desperately attempts to tie this week’s Beatles theme into her concern over Artie’s Down Low Lover:

Tina: “Would you say that the early Beatles looked out for each other even when they didn’t want to be looked out for?… In that case, I’m sorry Artie but this is for your own good. Everyone, Kitty and Artie are dating, but Kitty’s making Artie hide it because she’s embarrassed about it and that’s emotional abuse. Artie is a great guy and he deserves to be loved openly and proudly and without conditions.”

caption

what do you mean you haven’t watched orange is the new black yet

Fake Quinn’s like yeah duh, but before coming out as being Artie’s No.1 Squeeze, Fake Quinn had to be extra-super-sure she was willing to deal with instagram bullying, night sweats, and the vulnerability of her human heart. But now she’s super-sure they can be in true love forever ever and is ready to be wide open about it. So there: problem solved!

if she can love me in this outfit, she's really in it for life

if she can love me in this outfit, she’s really in it for life


A few hours, minutes, days or eons later, Blaine has called a special meeting of the Too Old To Be On This Show Club to discuss Tina’s solo status in the Too Young To Be Bitter Club and other evidence of her mental unraveling, like eating a lot of snack cakes alone under the stars.

Okay, here's your motivation. You're lost, you're angry in the woods, and no one is here to help you.

Okay, here’s your motivation. You’re lost, you’re angry in the woods, and no one is here to help you.

Blaine: “One of our own has turned into a mean, bitter and angry person.” [everybody says “Tina”] “She didn’t used to be like this. She was a sweet girl who dated Artie. Until he dumped her because he found out she was faking her stutter. And then she dated Mike Chang until he dumped her because she wasn’t Asian enough, or something. “

[not true.]

Oh no! What is Tina going to do?

How can we make Tina better?

What will fix Tina’s sad loneliness?

men

I cannot WAIT to see what these geniuses have in store.

caption

just twelve minutes left in this episode boys, hold on to your sneakers.

After blaming Blaine for Tina’s sorry state, the boys get together and decide to cure her ennui by fixing a bunch of tires or something.

cool story bro

cool story bro


Then Sue tries to annoy Figgins by dropping a bunch of meat slurry in the hallway, it’s gross.

mckinley is no longer a safe space for vegans

mckinley is no longer a safe space for vegans

Who cares about that though really when we have MEN SCHEMING to pay attention to!


WHAT HAVE THE MEN PLANNED??!!!!

look it spins around and around like a spinny top

look it spins around and around like a spinny top

Oh. A song.

http://youtu.be/PoK4o6XoeAs

Tina’s been summoned to the auditorium for “I Saw Her Standing There,” for which Tina, Marley, Fake Quinn and Unique play the role of Crazed Beatles Fangirls and the Boys of Glee play the Boys of the Beatles, and Tina goes super wild and dances all over the stage like the Easter Bunny on ecstasy, which’s actually super cute and fun, but also whatever.

now you watch your teeth

now the first thing to keep in mind is “watch your teeth”

This was the first Beatles song I fell in love with, I think I was just seven at the time. Also, Tiffany did a cover I enjoyed for some reason. If you remember Tiffany, then you win the day.

why wont' anannyyyyonnennne throw junior mints in my moutthhhhh

why won’t anannyyyyonnennne throw junior mints in my moutthhhhh

but tell me baby do you like it like this

but tell me baby do you like it like this

give me a line or a junior mint stat!

give me a line or a junior mint stat! preferably a line!

Tina’s like, thanks for the song boys, but what’s the point. Blaine explains that Tina’s seemed awfully lonely lately. You know, because this show’s never given her a best female friend, her Year of Shining Tina hasn’t yet come to fruition, and she lost the lead in the school musical to an alum. JUST KIDDING it’s because she doesn’t have a prom date! Once again, the answer to what’s missing is…

shutterstock_90546670

Thus Blaine is offering up the services of his bandmates to be Tina’s “arm candy” at Prom. Who will she pick? The gay guy proposing to his boyfriend this weekend, the floppy-haired transphobe in love with Marley-Kate, Marley-Kate’s boyfriend Puck Junior or Blaine’s down-low secret-stars boyfriend Sam? Except then Puck Junior removes himself from the running because Marley-Kate, making this situation even stupider than it already was.

uh you guys are really cute and all me and marley are kind of a secret down low under the stars thing

uh you guys are really cute and all me and marley are kind of a secret down low under the stars thing

Tina: “Well, it’s hard to pick. Ryder has arms, and Blaine is my boo, but I think I’ll go with Sam because he’s the least gay and the least Asian of all of you. And thank you guys, I really needed this.”

I KNEW IT I KNEW RYDER WAS GAY. Just kidding Ryder’s not gay. For some reason I really want there to be a bisexual male character on this show. Ideally Sam. Sam seems super bisexual to me. You know what Tina really needs though? A sleepover with the girls and probably also an apple damn sandwich…. and a solo.


Cut to the Hummel Hummer, manouvering through the scenic green-screens of the Paramount Lot on their way to the airport, when Kurt’s like cut the crap Dad, I know you’re driving me to Blaine’s secret proposal situation.

holy shit is that the glee recapper from autostraddle running into a pole in a rental car?

holy shit is that the glee recapper from autostraddle running into a pole in a rental car?

What will Kurt say when Blaine pops the question? Well, Kurt la-la-la-loves Blaine and doesn’t think he’ll meet somebody who makes him feel that safe and loved ever again, but also he’s so young and hasn’t even been to happy hour at Posh yet or slept with Brian Kinney or marginalized the needs of gay women in a large national LGBT rights organization or worn a g-string to a Pride Parade!

look son, i tried to talk your lesbian boyfriend out of it, but the man is determined to go viral, what can i say

look son, i tried to talk your lesbian boyfriend out of it, but the man is determined to go viral, what can i say

Burt points out that he and Kurt’s Mom married when they were super young, and you think it’s gonna be all laughing, dancing in your underpants and boning, but marriage is actually super hard. Kurt asks if Burt wishes he’d waited and Burt was like HELL NO ‘CAUSE THEN SHE DIED. So obvs Kurt has to say yes to Blaine in case he dies. I really hope they wrote the script for this episode a long long long time ago.

Anyhow, LET’S SING AND DANCE!

nice horns, fellas, i love to watch you blow

nice horns, fellas, fuck i love to watch you blow

Luckily, Blaine and Kurt have come dressed for their traditional Thursday Night Colonel Mustard / Professor Plum role play, although the lead pipe’s nowhere to be found, and thus we launch into All You Need Is Love, starring BLAINE with backup from several drummers drumming and many horns ‘a blowing.

just come inside i promise this isn't like when i made a bunch of guys in outfits seduce you into riding the tower of terror with me

just come inside i promise this isn’t like when i made a bunch of guys in outfits seduce you into riding the tower of terror with me

Blaine’s even teleported in the crew from New York, New York and wherever Mercedes is living these days!

omg haaaayyyy mercedes "dancing with the stars" jones

omg haaaiiiiii we brought froyo

Once inside this magestic mountain proposal castle, Kurt hugs everybody and the Warblers dance around and Unique and Marley both look super hot and Rachel’s pulling off a very strange outfit which I think means she’s totally ready to be a star, because that’s what stars do: they pull off patterns and stripes and knee socks all at the same time.

all the junior mints in the world are just getting ready to leap into your mouth!

all the junior mints in the world are just getting ready to leap into your mouth!

Then the kids from The School For The Deaf, including lots of chicks in blazers (hello, ladies!!!), sign things about love and rose petals fall from the sky because probably Blaine also got G-d involved.

and then the goddesses rained junior mints down upon their tender gullets

and then the goddesses rained junior mints down upon their tender gullets

Then Blaine launches into his big proposal speech, which means it’s your turn to cry like Mrs. Soames:

Blaine: “We met right here and I took this man’s hand, and we ran down that hallway and those of you who know me know I’m not in the habit of taking people’s hands I’ve never met before —”

[that is absolutely not true at all.]

Blaine: “—but I think that my soul knew something that my body and my mind didn’t know yet. It knew that our hands were meant to hold each other, fearlessly, and forever. Which is why it’s never really felt like I’ve been getting to know you; it’s always felt like I was remembering you from something, as if in every lifetime that you and I have ever lived, we have chosen to come back and find each other and fall in love all over again, over and over for all eternity. And I just feel so lucky that I found you so soon in this lifetime because all I wanna do and all I’ve ever wanted to do is spend my life loving you.”

it's a toe ring! i got it on venice beach!

it’s a toe ring! i got it on venice beach!

Here, see for yourself:
http://youtu.be/-fJsMAsbKdA

crap i gotta pee so fucking bad but this feels like a bad moment

crap i gotta pee so fucking bad but this feels like a bad moment

Kurt says yes.

fuck bro this shit is way too tight for my fingers

fuck bro this shit is way too tight for my fingers

i can't believe they made me come all the way here from dancing with the stars and didn't even give me a solo

i can’t believe they made me come all the way here from dancing with the stars and didn’t even give me a solo

Did you know that in 1988, a scene in Thirtysomething featuring two gay men in bed after sex incited an “uproar,” 400 phone calls to the FCC, and $1.5 million in lost advertising revenue? And in 1994, advertisers were so upset about a potential gay kiss on Melrose Place that the show decided to pull the camera away instead of showing it? Also in 1994, ABC declined to air a Roseanne episode featuring a lady-on-lady kiss, because they stood to loose $1 million in ad revenue and felt it would be “bad for the kids to see,” but Roseanne threatened to switch networks if they didn’t air it, so they did. Did you know that in 2000, Kerr Smith, who played Jack McPhee on Dawson’s Creek, was one-half of the first prime-time romantic gay kiss on network television — but he then told Entertainment Weekly about the kiss: “It’s not the most fun thing in the world, but I agreed to play this role, and [producer] Greg Berlanti does want to take it that far….That’s as far as I’m going to take it. I don’t think teenagers need to see two guys kissing on a weekly basis.'”? Well, now you do.

Look at us now!

it's just that blowbacks get me so high

progress!

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2753 articles for us.

45 Comments

  1. This brightened up my day so much (my day was not going so swimmingly, but I was laughing into my cup throughout the three pages of this (‘my cup’ is not a euphemism for anything, there are other people in the room so I was pretending to drink while reading and laughing)).

    I tried to get over Glee during the summer, and I really almost did it but then it came back like this and I think it’s about time I settled down for the long haul. A lot of the dialogue and plotting is beyond crap, but the Kurt and Blaine scene at the end, plus Rachel being all Rachel and Santana being Santana..I just can’t let this damn show go.

  2. *ridiculously romantic sigh of happiness*
    That is literally what I have to say about this episode. Call me whatever, but that proposal eclipsed everything else.
    I also continue to enjoy recaps most greatly.
    *scurries off to read fanfiction*

  3. Is anyone else super confused as to why none of the seniors graduated last year?
    I mean, this is the fifth year of Tina and Artie, and the fourth of Blaine and Sam.

    If these kids are incapable of graduating you would think they would have had help by now! Or am I thinking far too much about the plot holes inherent in the show I used to love?

  4. i don’t watch glee because i know it isn’t as good as your recaps but mostly what i got out of this is the phrase “raise the gay roof” and i am pretty sure i have a new motto. thank you riese

  5. I wish I had read this before watching the episode. I thought Demi was going to be in it and I was prepared for lady lovin, but then as it turns out I wasted like 30min and no lady kisses. (only 30 min because I fast forward through half of it)

  6. Not only do I remember Tiffany, but by some magical, fateful happenstance my band got to open for her at a Pride festival a couple of years ago.

    /brag

    I continue to adore your recaps, Riese! So That Others May Not Have to Actually Watch the Show.

  7. I logged in to leave a comment because I wholeheartedly appreaciate your efforts, Riese. The captions are totally on point. Possibly (definitely) the best part of the recap.

    Also the youtube videos cut away before the gay kissing. What’s with that, universe.

  8. I think this is one of the best Glee recaps yet!! So funny! I stopped watching Glee last year because of so many disappointments but this episode was awesome. Kurt & Blaine need their own show because basically they are the only good thing about Glee. Although I am very excited about Demi & Santana… let’s hope the positive vibes continue.

  9. I watched this because I wanted to see Demi and Santana snog, and because my best friend loves it. Blaine’s speech straight up made me want to vomit, it was so sticky sweet and disgusting. I stopped watching glee around the time what’s his face nearly killed himself, and this episode really drove home why. Why :(

  10. Am I the only one that thinks they are waay to young to be getting engaged/married? I’m all for Klaine dating, but marriage just doesn’t seem right. I hope they are planning on marrying a long time from now.

    Thank you Riese for enduring this show another season and recapping it for us!

    • Yeah, I was going the entire time: “Say NO, Kurt!” They shouldn’t get married because:

      1) They had just broken up after Blaine cheated and got back together, like 5 seconds ago.

      2) They are 17/18

      3) Things Blaine said made it sound like he did it as much for the symbolic nature of two men marrying, which is great except for 1 and 2.

      4) I really wanted Kurt to be the sane one who was like WOAH BRAKES, and then they develop the relationship and then they get married.

      5) Modern family proposal = felt so right compared to this. Total opposite, they went for flashy, totally screwed it, but realized they just knew each other well enough that the simplest proposal works. But then again, when does Glee do simple right?

      But then Blaine did his little speech thing and everything inside me melted and I couldn’t count straight so, yeah, I could see how Kurt would say yes.

  11. YAY RIESE’S GLEE RECAPS ARE BACK! Even though this show is mostly ridiculous, I just can’t quit it because Santana and Rachel. So I suffer through/mostly don’t pay attention to the rest.

    “Santana and Demi Lovato starting a Selena cover band and scissoring for 23 minutes on our teevee screens!” – I’d watch this. (Also I feel like I probs shouldn’t post spoilers in here but if you want to know a thing, check out Lea Michele’s twitter.)

  12. “but also he’s so young and hasn’t even been to happy hour at Posh yet or slept with Brian Kinney or marginalized the needs of gay women in a large national LGBT rights organization”

    Great recap as usual but this line was perfect!

  13. These recaps always make me want to be a lesbian.

    Yay for the return of Riese. I liked Heather very much but ain’t nobody like you, babe.

    Are we not going to talk about the castration of Sebastian Smythe? I guess it was proof that he really wanted more than Blaine’s ass, if he was willing to do an idiotic Teenage Dream do-over dance to make him happy and drive him into the arms of Puerto-Rican Pride Float Hummel (I love Chris Colfer to pieces, just would have loved Sebastian to be a “mid-game” guy for Blaine.) I found the whole proposal to be heartbreaking once Sebastian came into the picture, even though I thought Darren and Chris did a wonderful job of masking their personal disapproval of the teen marriage storyline.

  14. So, it really just makes me incredibly happy that Darren Criss got the little Paul McCartney head-wiggle down in ‘I Saw Her Standing There’. His whole body language is great, and totally young Macca. Which makes me nostalgic.

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