Christmakwanzakah Open Thread: Well, Happy Holigays Bitches

Hello hello and welcome one and all to our Bazillionth/Third Annual Holiday Open Thread, in which you are the puppeteer, store clerk, chef, bartender, hot air balloon technician, hostess, philosopher and DJ! So many hats for your little head, wherever will you find enough racks?

Remember last year, when it was merely 2010 and we were all undoubtedly anticipating 11/11/11 so we could take notice, once and for all, that SOMEONE WAS REALLY REALLY THINKING ABOUT US?? That was a special time. Well now it’s This Year! And here you are, with sugarplums and lemurs dancing about in your head, maybe. Or maybe you’re just reading Us Magazine and considering an accent wall. Either way, Happy Weekend of Joy to you and yours!


TRADITION

Riese, Chief Charioteer of Dreams and Ideas, will be spending Festivus in Phoenix with Laneia, Dominatrix of Deadlines and Doubts, which should make for an interesting Top 10 article, in the very least, while Rachel, Eloquent Editor of Elephants and Others, braves the blustery winter chill of Family somewhere in the colder part of the country. Who knows what the rest of Team AS is up to! Measuring the speed of light in Maddows, probably, under the menorah tree.

don’t stop believin’

But what about you, my dear darling dove? What on earth are you doing this weekend? Does it involve carbohydrates and melted cheeses? Does it smell like pine cones and bourbon where you are? May we come? We desperately hope that you’re having a lovely time, which is why we wrote these things for you:

+ Many Holiday Drink Recipes
+ Things Our Mothers Cook
+ What You Can Do If You Have Kids or Will Be Near Some This Weekend
+ Several Songs to Listen to
+ Did You Forget the Menorah?
+ Talk of Video Games
+ How to Dress Up Like Black Swan (JK! But seriously, think about it.)

Please for the love of all things holy and good, share your soul with us here! Or at least your recipe for perfectly spiked eggnog, because it seems like shit is about to get Real.

Before you go! 99.9% of our readers don't support Autostraddle. Still, it takes funding to keep this indie queer publication running every day. And the majority of our funding comes from readers like you. That's less than 1% of our readers who keep Autostraddle around for EVERYBODY. Will you join them?

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316 Comments

  1. I’m currently curled up in my childhood bed (and by that I mean, the bed I largely still slept in when I wasn’t on someone’s couch until I moved out (hopefully for the last time) four glorious months ago) and listening to this song on repeat: http://youtu.be/JdmYBVYDzLI

    I can’t help it. It’s so catchy.

    Also, this: “And here you are, with sugarplums and lemurs dancing about in your head, maybe.” My mother sponsored an aye-aye for me through the World Wildlife Fund, so I demonstrated with the little stuffed animal that came with the certificate how aye-ayes’ ecological niche in Madagascar is basically like a woodpecker’s. It’s a burden being this cool, you guys.

  2. Having to make my once a year visit to my fundamentalist christian parents from the South who firmly believe in gender roles (favorite quote: “That’s why God hates divorce”) is pretty miserable. But, there is a light in the darkness, and it is the massive pile of log rounds in the backyard that need to be split and this beautiful thing called a maul axe. I spent half of yesterday in the backyard, wearin’ my lumberjack plaid, whistlin’ up a storm, splittin’ wood, and pretending I’m a homesteader alone in the mountains and nobody is around to be a bother. SO. SATISYING. If you have never chopped wood, try it someday. Especially if you can use a maul axe. It’s like a sledgehammer and an axe all at the same time. Second favorite quote: “You shouldn’t do that, you’ll get calluses on your hands and muscly arms. You’re a lady, remember?”

  3. I spent Christmas Eve with my mom and her friends (who I’m not out to). They spent part of the cocktail conversation talking about some kids they saw on TV. One was intersex, the other was a boy who liked to “dress like a princess.” The general conclusion of the table was that they were glad that these people got to live their lives and be happy, as well as concern about bathroom safety.

    Guys, if that isn’t a Christmas miracle, I don’t know what is.

  4. My mother got me a sports bra with built-in-boobs for Christmas??

    Anddd I just hung up my Grandmother’s floor-length black fur coat and my Grandpa winked at me and said, “That will be your yours some day.” Dear God, no.

  5. So I’m at my gay bff/platonic gf’s house for Christmas because my siblings are all scattered over the country and my parents are dicks. We opened presents last night, between the two of us we now have THREE pillow pets–and she also framed me a pic of one of my fav derby girls (MAIDEN AMERICA FROM NAPTOWN, MARRY ME).

    And then we got to spoon, even though her family is pretty conservative and kinda thinks we’re dating even tho she has clearly stated that we are not. Several times. We went to mass last night and her mom keeps asking me about politics (they support Ron Paul) and Catholic things and pro life things. I’m very good at dodging the questions politely.

    today we ate a lot of gluten free muffins and bacon, and her entire extended family is coming over, and there will be prime rib, and I’m excited.

    My dad is in the hospital with pancreatitis and I don’t know if I should call or not. Because they’re totally not okay with the gay thing. At all. But it’s Christmas and he’s in the hospital? But I don’t want to be in contact with them unless they will accept me. So complex. I’m pretty torn here.

  6. Well, we started the day by shaving the dog’s legs because he thinks that mud puddles are a year-round Christmas present. So.

    There’s also an accidental group-text fest going on right now, since someone forgot to turn off group messaging, so my phone sounds like a casino. It’s actually pretty great texting back and forth with a bunch of strangers about Christmas.

  7. Took mom to the LGBTQ art gallery at which I volunteer. In front of a photo/personal statement of a semi-nude trans* couple:

    Mom: “I guess she had a mastectomy, oh dear. Maybe it was cancer.”
    Me: “That’s a guy, mom.”
    Mom: (embarrassed for me) “Shush! That’s a woman, Maryann!”
    Me: “Nope. That’s a guy. He was assigned female when he was born, but he’s always been a guy. See the essay he wrote?”
    Mom: “Ooooh. Well he looks very nice in that photo with his girlfriend!”

    Soooo…. awkward but ultimately productive?

    She has also taken to referring to my girlfriend as my partner, which is a little strange, but she is trying so hard.

  8. Still hanging out with the puppy, I’ve used up all my paper towels cleaning up after her. I’d forgotten how much work a pup is. I’ve got to bring her back to the shelter tomorrow, she’s been adopted and will go to her forever home.

    No drinking for me, it took me all day Wednesday to recover from a drunken all nighter.

    I have received some awesome homemade clam chowdah, which is incredibly rare around here, some dark chocolate/creme de menthe brownies and some weed. My friends know me so well. I think I’ll have a smoke, eat brownies and watch “A Christmas Story” and the Buffy Christmas episode.

    Sounds okay to me!

  9. My gf do 2.5 years that I adore told me last week she doesn’t know if she’s in love with me anymore, I’ve been sick all week, and my mom just started crying because she’s embarrassed that her memory is failing and she says she can’t remember a lot of her life anymore. What a shitty Christmas.

  10. I’m in Texas and it’s way too cold and wet and rainy. I miss the days when it was 80 degrees on Christmas. I’ll probably be alone for most of the holiday since the girl I want to be with isn’t talking to me. My southern baptist family is annoying to be around for more than a hour. They don’t like that my little brother is gay and if I come out to them in a drunken rage from all of their stupid comments, then they won’t like me either. Good thing my mom is okay with it. Word for word what she told me after my little brother came out(a year after I came out to her): “Well…I guess I had a little extra fabulous in my uterus.” Even with that I don’t want to be around my family right now. I mostly want to drink and play Plants vs. Zombies all day.
    This is comment is full of bad grammar. Sorry, I am on my fourth vodka and cranberry.

  11. I spent Christmas Eve celebrating Jewmas/Day Quatro of Hanukkah with some friends eating chinese food, drinking copious amounts of wine and watching How I Met Your Mother.

    I spent the evening fighting off Santa who kept trying to kidnap me and bring me to peoples houses. He’s still working on a good air-hole concept.

    Today i’m going to do an erotic snow dance because I want to make snow angels and it’s too warm outside, eat some eggs and read to my hearts content. Everyone’s welcome to join me.

    • last year, my then 15-year-old brother explained to our mother, why the twilight series is offensive and misogynistic.

      this year he said “of course I know kathleen hanna and bikini kill”
      WHAT?
      now I get to make him an all-female mix-cd. so excited!

  12. I’m in Ireland spending Christmas with my extended family, and I’m in a surprisingly good mood despite the excess of relatives. I’m only out to my immediate family and a few of my cousins – I don’t see the need to tell the rest of them, seeing as I have been living in the US since I was 10.

    I miss Vermont. :(

  13. My grandparents came over. My grandpa started us off with a “joke” making fun of Obama. Then it was straight up political debate… And I’m the only one who leans liberal. Fun.
    I found out that my aunt, who had divorced her husband Tim a while ago, got married on Tuesday. To another Tim. And apparently my cousin had been married?!? But she’s going to get a divorce… She’s now dating the step-brother of her old boyfriend and he’s moving in with her and her parents (my aunt and Tim).
    And my grandpa delivered a heartfelt plea to my mom that she reconcile with her sister (this same aunt) because they don’t talk and basically hate each other. Which is why I knew none of the things about her or my cousin.
    The scary part is that my dad’s side is the side with the most drama… That’ll be great.

  14. so i was just watching a christmas movie with the parentals and a christian singles commercial came on. my mom suggested i make an account on it to find a nice guy and she was completely serious. so obviously i’m not out to the family yet. OMG my life, you guys. but! i may come out to her sometime in the coming days, who knows!

  15. On my first Christmas as a pescatarian, my dad made the most delicious crab cakes for me. it was awesome! hope they’re as understanding about the gay thing as the veggie/pescatarian thing…still not out yet, but hopefully I will be by next Christmas. <3 wish me luck!

    (also good luck to everyone who did/will come out this Christmas, and all my closet buddies. love you.)

  16. Covert drunkish at my parents house after being extravagantly drunk iends’s house whilst watching Le Grinch. Mentally preparing to head to a mosque full of judgemental fuddy-duddys by reading these Xmas confessionals. Happy Feelings Day, straddlers

  17. So first Christmas out to my family!

    This morning my mom made a joke about how I like women AND IT WAS ACTUALLY FUNNY!!! And this is from someone who I thought would never really accept my gayness.

    My cousin just made a crack about how one new years there wasn’t any space left to sleep so I slept in a closet. OH THE IRONY. And now everyone can’t stop laughing.

    Also, my little brother wants to talk about gender roles and feminism by the fire. BEST CHRISTMAS EVER

    • Congratulations!! That all sounds so great :) it’s my first christmas out too and things are going surprisingly well! I’m especially excited for dinner cause my mom’s good lesbian friend and my super supportive aunt are coming for dinner and I feel like the jokes will start to fly haha

      I hope the rest of your day keeps going well!!!

  18. my family was annoying me so much last night that i decided to come out to a friend i’ve been terrified of telling. because i knew that she would respond positively despite my panic and so the relief would hopefully wash away the annoyance. it worked pretty well, actually, tbh. (the panic to relief ratio of telling my family was too high for that to work. so i did the next best thing.)

  19. I am very happy that my mom and I have figured out a compromise. I don’t need or want many holiday presents, but she enjoys purchasing them and wrapping them. Now she buys presents for my cats. Everyone wins (especially the cats).

  20. I just wanted to pop by to say I love all of you and also that I have had a very merry Christmas so far, and, I think, a very Autostraddle Christmas. I got Kafka by the Shore and a Sunbeam for Christmas, I ate that Christmas Breakfast Casserole this morning, I watched my kitties playing outside when I woke up, listened to some gay music (George Michael’s Faith, another present), and had my sister’s friends compliment my androgynous style. :D And cocktails later tonight!

    Anyway, I’m so grateful for you in my life, all of you. Just thanks. And hugs all round. It’s my first Christmas being out, and I know I’m lucky that it’s been a good one. I hope that all of you who have had less than great holidays this year find comfort on this site as well, and have a queer new year. <3

  21. This is the first Christmas Day that I’ve had to work. Luckily me and a bunch of other Missoula strays are gathering for a Feliz Navidachos party later tonight. Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like nachos, beer and classic holiday movies.

  22. thank you people for saving me today! during a wonderful lunch with three male relatives who are conservative,homophobic and classist. I cannot tell you how much fun I had. made worse by my mum’s prohibition of phones at the table. I put in a few trips to the toilet to read this thread.

    brother-in-the law regaled us with how when he lived in spain he was horrified at how liberal they were, how gay people had their own beaches and how they acted like it was all normal.

    then he said he saw guys kissing on tv and was disgusted. and how dared they air that on our national tv?

    then my brother proceeded to comment on his trips and how he came across a fag cruise and there were faggots everywhere

    fun,fun,fun.
    then they went on to whine about poor people and how annoying they were and how they ruined beaches when they went for a picnic.

    mercifully I managed to sneak off later. a few hours later the whole extended family came over and they’re not so bad. heternormative as hell but it could be worse. as long as they don’t set me up or organise a “girls night” like they threatened, it’s ok.

    at least there was no discussion of gay rights and religion like other years. cause then I’d be obligated to jump in and my brother and cousin, who’d be on my side, weren’t there. cause they’re even less social than I am, only they have the advantage of being male and therefore don’t need to be there or help out or cook or any of that.
    my grandma didn’t lecture me on not attending mass yesterday. mum didn’t force me to go. so not so bad. I played with my cats. ate. listened,mostly.
    my gifts were alright. big sis gave me a leaf pendant. mum some owl earrings and a batman book I picked out. I also got juggling balls. I wanted the bottle-y things but still, at least someone listened. and didn’t get me the usual girly things I never use or wear.

    I am, however, dreading new year’s eve. what is it about that date that everyone wants to talk about your romantic situation? I can’t wait to hear “so when are you gonna get a boyfriend?”

    I’ll drag my ass to a gay club later,I guess

  23. Happy holidays yall!! I have to say, I’m pretty damn lucky to have the family I do. My day was spent watching l word re-runs with my dad, family calling and asking how my girlfriend was doing in a i’m-genuinely-interested-in-your-life-and-her-wellbeing-and-not-just-being-polite sort of way, and my little-old-lady mom informing me that when we go after christmas shopping, she really wants to try on a pair of air jordans, “just to see what it feels like.” Gotta love them holigays.

  24. Went to church. Usually I avoid going to church because we’re catholics and I like to claim “THEY REJECT ME AND MY PEOPLE MOM I CAN’T GO” but every year I go and I realize that my parish is actually pretty great. Every year before Christmas Mass our pastor gets up and gives a speech about how everyone is welcome at our church, and he SPECIFICALLY mentions gay people. So in one fell swoop, he annihlates my reasons for not attending mass AND makes me cry a little. Darn those accepting Catholics. It’s a matter of time before the Vatican finds out and smites us dead.

  25. I’m currently in an aircast for my foot so most of my Christmas consisted of my family making fun of the way I walk. Awesome…

    Also, I got a lot of the “you look like Justin Bieber” jokes made complete by all of my presents being wrapped in JB wrapping paper. I love my family.

  26. Because of an unfortunate bit of conversation (or rather something she said while I looked baffled) at family Christmas, I’ve had to resolve to come out to my grandma before I head back to classes. Sad thing is that 95% of that family gathering was good or at least okay, but that one incident is making me feel rather dejected.

  27. watched Beginners (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXUFUp6vsxg) this evening with my Mom. this is a bit significant because it’s one step in the long process of her being okay with the fact that I date women. The premise of the flick is .. a young man comes to grips with the fact that his father has been diagnosed with cancer and out of the closet at the ripe age of 74. a tragic, yet very beautiful film this is. slow at times, yet I encourage you to watch it. maybe even with a family member who might act a bit awkward when you mention how you’ve recently been on a few dates with a hot chick.

    cheers and may the [spiked] egg nog flow as freely as it is here.

  28. I loved hearing about all of your Christmases.

    Somehow this will go down (in my books anyway) as the year when i came out to my immediate fam before going to mass… yes, crazy stupid idea but somehow this topic came up and i wanted to say something in person and didnt know when i’d get a chance if not now and thought it would probably be okay. Pretty sure it was still hugely awkward, but they didn’t freak out and after sort of acknowledging what i’d said in they changed the topic as fast as possible. But that’s okay, I think, since we don’t really talk about Feelings.

    Thank you for existing here and sharing your stories from today and making me feel less alone.

  29. just some good ‘ol family fun here. i put a marriege equality picture on my door to subtely (sp?) let my family know im gay…no one asked about it…hmm perhaps i should read “annie on my mind” in front of them…anyways, happy holidays to you all!!!!!

  30. Aside from my grandmother asking why I’m not dating “that nice boy Paul who you spend so much time with”(my gay bff) I can say in total confidence that I just had the best Christmas of my life!

    Happy Holigays to all and to all a good night :)

  31. 14 derogatory uses of “gay”
    +
    7 uses of “fag”
    +
    3 mentions of going to a good school to find a husband
    +
    8 questions about my post-grad plans
    +
    8 suggestions for my post-grad plans
    +
    4 throwaway insults/stereotypes about gay people
    +
    1 closet
    =
    3 bottles of wine
    +
    1/2 bottle of whiskey
    +
    a pitcher of spiked eggnog (with bendy straws!)

    math has never been my strength but i don’t think that’s nearly enough alcohol consumption for the past four days.

  32. Back home for the first time since starting uni in September.

    Every year, we go to an old family friend’s house for Christmas.
    Only their eldest daughter, a couple of years older than me -and probably her boyfriend, I doubt she’d keep it a secret from him-, knows about my gayness. Nobody in my immediate family knows.

    I’m not sure who comes up with the ideas, but they always have some crazy thing (that I’m never fully comfortable with) planned.

    This year, it was Truth or Dare.
    Yup, Truth or Dare with a bunch of adults. Including my parents.
    Naturally (and perhaps stupidly), I always picked Truth when the bottle landed on me. I swear the floor was uneven or something…

    Also, my mum made a very unsettling comment regarding my friends (from uni), she stalks me on Facebook, you see.

    “I think a lot of Pandora’s friends seem to be gay (in fairness, a lot of them are), or they’re boys that want to be girls, or girls that want to boys or something… I think she makes friends easily because people don’t really see her as a threat. They aren’t afraid of her stealing away their boyfriends or girlfriends.”

    At first, I laughed along with it, but over the course of the day, the comment just started to bug me, and perhaps even hurt a little as well. /sigh

  33. so Christmas Eve went great–my parents, sibling, and I watched the traditional Christmas movie, had our traditional Christmas dinner out at the Indian restaurant, and opened the traditional single Christmas Eve gift.

    Christmas Day we found out my granddad had passed away overnight, and had to drive eight hours to be with my nana and help her with arrangements, etc. It’s been long in coming since he was sick, but it’s still been a shock.

    All I can say is, I’m more thankful than ever for my family this holiday season.

  34. I was having a decent time but I’m sooooo over being at home and I’m ready to go back to school, even though it will mean taking a class I have mixed feelings about. I’m so glad I’m staying at school for my next break in order to participate in IvyQ this year!

  35. This comment is way overdue but I just stumbled upon this Christmas post and spent like an hour reading the comments, which are all awesome in their own right, I was backpacking so I spent Christmas alone to for the first time, thankfully I had autostraddle to spend Christmas with, after Christmas alone I decided to spend new years in a place full of people, a decision which unfortunately plunged me into the dark never-ending abyss of horndogs and slutty girls, all walking the tightrope of fornication with strangers and alcoholism which constitutes vang vieng, it should be interesting to watch the guys make their wild mating calls at the girls with no shirts who can’t find their guest houses

  36. i just spent a couple hours at our family holiday get together talking to the only other gay person in my family, a younger cousin. we’d never really talked before, let alone about being gay, but this was nice. we both actually said the “l” and “g” word, and he told me a little bit more about his life. here’s to family. #happyholidays

  37. just spent several hours at a family holiday get together talking to the only other gay person in my family, a younger cousin. we hadn’t ever really talked before, let alone about being gay, but tonight was nice. we both actually said the “l” and “g” words and we kinda got down to the brass tacks. it was a long time coming. he’s a good guy and we could both use the support. here’s to family. #happyholidays

  38. Christmas saw me in Connecticut with assorted relatives from my mother’s side.

    I spent Christmas Eve in New York with my father. (It’s a tradition that’s been going on since I was in middle school.)

    A group walk also occurs, as it does every year. (My grandmother lives near a place that’s good for rambling family walks.)

    The day after Christmas I watched Hercules with my 4-year-old cousin and my uncle tried to get me to take the movie upstairs. That was the only thing he said to me all night.

    I can’t complain about Christmas this year, though.

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