Christmakwanzakah Open Thread: For All Your Homo-Holiday Feelings

Hark the heraldsomething whatever it’s almost time to open presents!

Aside from those presents and this tasty bloody mary, I think open threads are hands down the best part of any nationally recognized holiday AMIRITE HELLO OF COURSE I AM. And if we’ve learned anything from last year’s Christmakwanzakah Open Thread, it’s that our families are all crazy / AMAZING literally and that for every traumatic event you tell us about, be it hilarious or otherwise, there’ll be at least 20 perfectly delivered reply comments to help take the edge off.

Not all of you / us are celebrating a holiday this weekend, but because Autostraddle is based in America and in America ALL THINGS ARE CHRISTIAN UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE, chances are, unless you’re living on a secluded compound out in the woods (fuck we are so jealous), you’re at least celebrating a day off from work.

Seems like just about every member of Team AS has gone home for the holidays, except for CEO of Ideas Riese and Executive of Emails Laneia. This has the potential to be depressing, so the onus is on you to keep them entertained and happy. Talking about yourself in the third person is weird you guys. Look I think Riese will like this, probably you too:

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What about you hm? What’s up with you these days. What new experiences and life lessons will you be bringing to this year’s celebration. Did you bring your girlfriend home to meet the family? Let us know how that goes. Last year, Managing Editor of Feelings Sarah P*lmer introduced us all to Beerio Kart. That’s the gift that keeps on giving, really.

Here are some other ways we’ve tried to make the season merry and bright for you:

+ Lessons Learned: How a Jewy Lesbian Can Enjoy a Pleasant Chanukah with Her Uncharacteristically Bigoted Parents
(This is relevant even if you aren’t a Jewy Lesbian.)
+ 16 Holiday Songs That Don’t Suck
+ A Very Special Holiday Drinking Guide

Also even though Riese hates this as much as she hates Love Actually, Laneia will never not love it, which is how you can tell us apart when you’re blindfolded:

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Happy Holidays! Let’s talk shit about your uncle!


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554 Comments

  1. I’m glad this thread is here!
    My mom just informed me that we are going to church in less than an hour.
    I can’t remember the last time I went to church, and I’ve been having some problems with Christianity in general lately (obvs), but this is not the church we used to go to and it has a little rainbow flag on that little message board thing they have outside, and I’m pretty sure the thing we’re going to will be short and in English.

    Meanwhile I am watching the final broadway performance of RENT on my computer, because that takes place around Christmas so it is perfect.

  2. My mom’s baking a birthday cake for me and my dad (his birthday’s tonight and mine was the 22nd), and my dad’s teaching me how to cheat at blackjack. Later we’re going to watch Shaun of the Dead. Good times, but I kind of wish I were playing Beerio Kart.

          • Yep, ive seen the l word before. Just asking which are your fave eps, you know, you being the l word scholar and all that 🙂
            Just watched the episode where the gang scatters dana’s ashes and carmen said yes to shane’s proposal. Refuse to watch the next episode, i cant handle shane leaving carmen at the altar T_T

            Which episode should i re-watch next?

          • Watch season 4 episode 4, “Layup.” It’s the episode when they play basketball. I had the most obnoxious laugh during it.

            I guess by the fourth season a lot of the actors were able to go off script, so the stuff that you watch in that scene is basically them being hilarious.

            The scene when Leisha Hailey made that shot, that’s actually her reaction. I think… Okay, well that’s official, I’m watching that episode.

            Riese, help?

          • – i really like anything from season one pretty much, especially the first and last episodes

            – from season 2 i like 210 (cruise) and 211 (pride) and the finale when shane & carmen reunite and jenny has a breakdown and there is lots of shennylove

            -season 3 was dumb except the episode where shane fucked cherie jaffe with a strap-on by the pool which was maybe like 307? or something.

            – season 4 was a ridiculous excuse for a television program starring probably everyone who lived in vancouver, because they introduced like 56 new characters. i liked 404 ‘layup’ though.

            – season 5 was pretty solid all the way through, espesh 505 (party ep), 509 (blackout episode), 510 (cancer bike ride episode)

            -season 6 was an unfortunate experience from start to finish but the dance-off episode was good, 607

          • I couldn’t ever actually watch season six to the end. My desire to keep going fades out at episode three. I decided just reading your recaps was probably more entertaining and an automatic win (zing!!!!)for my sanity.

          • I have three episodes left in season six, and I can’t watch more than 7 minutes per day without wanting to stick forks in my eyes, but I feel like I might as well finish the whole series since I’ve come this far.

  3. the hi-light of my day so far: crawling into the shower to nap and hide for a while.

    hey, what alcohol is in eggnog? i think thats the only way i can sneak alcohol this year, unless my parents get drunk first…

  4. Don’t you love enforced gender conformity? I know I do. I also love hearing that my jeans make my butt look saggy and that I need to wear a nice SKIRT, dammit, in front of my grandparents.

    And I miss my girlfriend.

    • Gender conformity is the best. Nothing quite like it. We were on the subject of baby rearing today, and my mother says ‘You know, after your sister I was totally prepared to have a girl or a boy, but never a girl who acted like a boy!’ Love you too mother.

    • god knows, “you’re a young lady, you should dress like one” has become the mantra of all the women in my family.
      moral: shaving your head to a hawk for christmas is not the brightest idea but it certainly gives them something to talk about.

      • Oh man, love this.
        I think next time I’m coerced into attending mass, I’m definitely showing up in a nice pencil skirt, crisp white collared button down shirt, and a bright purple hawk.

  5. I’d have to say that this holiday was the most interesting seeing as though we celebrated yesterday cuz we all work today and tomorrow but I think its was all worth it….me and the siblings dipped out on the family went to the bar bought each other a few rounds of drinks and somehow those rounds of drinks turned into getting a few rounds of lap dances…..so yup that’s what I got for Xmas

  6. Emmmm…..my ordinarily homophobic mother pretty much just came out to me, no word of a lie! We were having a heart to heart about the fact that i’m a gaybian and it all just came out (literally)….most unexpected Christmas surprise ever, how odd!! Everyone grab a beer/Skittle flavoured vodka/cider and have we’ll have a toast, sure why not! 😀

  7. I’m actually really sad that I don’t get to spend Christmas with my family because they’re incredibly awesome. 🙁 My whole family did Christmas at my uncle’s place in Mississippi this year (which isn’t as bad as it sounds because my uncle has a freaking compound on the Gulf Coast) and I keep getting wistful at their Facebook updates! (Also at the video my mom sent of my baby cousin throwing a ball for my mom’s dog. Hilarious.)

    Instead I had pancakes with my girlfriend’s sister and now I’m going to Christmas lunch at a friends’ place. Better than my girlfriend’s family who lives here… O_O

      • What part are you from?
        Because I’ve spent countless summers working at my grandparents store near Corinth in the northern part of the state, and it fucking SUCKS. The only thing good about the whole state is fried catfish.
        Is it bad when the only good thing about a state is fried fish? 🙁

  8. This year I’ve given up on looking anything close to a girl. I’ll be looking extra fly wearing the entire express mens section. I’ll also be closing my eyes so I dont have to see my moms “What did you do with my daughter” expression as I walk out of my room.

    Now where’s my fifth?

  9. I don’t really celebrate Christmas (grew up in a different culture) but I am spending it with my boyfriend’s family – which in Australia (And amongst non-religious types) really means chilling out and eating. Which is pretty much what I was raised with anyway.

    What I am looking forward to though is tomorrow – possible sexytimes with an older kinkier experienced woman who for some reason has taken a shine to me. Apparently she adores a challenge and wants to give this inexperienced younger n00b (who hasn’t even slept with a woman yet) some creative pleasure. aslk;djadljfej;rvfjakdsa BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVAR.

  10. Saw the cutest girl-girl couple holding hands with their groceries in the parking lot. This alone made up for it being another Christmas in the closet with my large, half-Catholic Texas side of the family.

  11. brother: what kind of beer do you want?
    me: leffe blonde

    dad: so what did ya get?
    me: a belgian blonde, even though really i prefer brunettes *WINK*

    *CRICKET NOISES*
    *SUBJECT CHANGE*

    my family wishes i liked boys.

    • I don’t get why my brother can make a tame joke and I can’t. I’m out to my family, I’m not being crude, and what I say is occasionally hilarious (usually inadvertantly).

      It’s like going back into the closet everytime I go home (getting unbearable, though I KNOW I should be grateful to have a home, a loving family, and all the other blessings in my life *counts them twice*).

      *toasts eh*

  12. I just got back from Christmas lunch with my dysfunctional southern extended family. Consisted of my senile grandma yelling at my fat grandpa, and cooking a duck and turkey and never cutting either of them because she forgot.
    AND MY ADORBS LITTLE COUSIN WHO IS SO CUTE EEEE. He was wearing green corduroys overalls you guys. It was so damn cute.
    But yeah, my grandpa would just wander off while my grandma was yelling at him, and my grandma kept coming up and looking at my ears and then walking away.

    • RIGHT OK I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BORING TONIGHT BUT APPARENTLY NOT! MOM JUST GOT A FACEBOOK MESSAGE FROM HER LONG LOST SISTER SHE HASNT SEEN OR SPOKEN TO SINCE SHE WAS FIVE YEARS OLD WOOOooOooOoooo

  13. It’s not christmas where I am yet, but my family isn’t very good at secrecy… so I’m already wearing the absolutely awesome hat my sister got me. It makes me very happy.

  14. I have just been forced to stop chatting to my brother and go to bed early (half 10) and have to type realllly quietly because my dad’s room (dysfunctional parents) is next to mine and he ‘wakes up every time i move’ and wants to go to sleep. Really want to point out that thats defo not true given how I used to sneak out the house almost every night for about a year and he never once woke up but i sense learning that probs wouldn’t make him more reasonable. urghhhhhhh.

  15. I fucking hate this half-closet thing. My mom has explained to me that I am, in fact not gay, and has forbidden me to come out to anyone else, which I ignored in my social life, but kind of have to obey as far as family goes. It’s a good thing the rest of my life is really freaking amazing right now.

  16. My family is odd.

    My Dad just told everyone that we’re going to hell because no one wants to go to the Christmas Eve service this year but HE WAS JOKING. We’re not going to church (last year we got drunk before church, this year we’re just not going) but no one in my family believes in hell so it is OKAY.

    My Mom’s just BOILED about 300 dimes that she got from the bank because she wants to make snacks and play Rummoli for money but only if the dimes have been boiled before we touch them.

    My Dad told my older brother and I not to get him anything for Christmas and that we could just wrap things he already owns and pretend that those are our gifts to him WTF. We refused because that is weird and makes no sense, so he is wrapping them himself right now to open up tomorrow morning I REALLY DO NOT GET IT. We already got him Canucks vs. Flames hockey tickets which is not the same thing as giving him something he already owns.

    My friend Josh gets off work in a few hours and is planning to come over to steal Queer as Folk from me, upon hearing this my Dad asked if the writing is good because he is looking for a new show to watch, but I told him just to stick to the West Wing because I don’t think he would really get how much Brian loves Justin and it would upset me if he watched the show and didn’t get how much Brian loves Justin YOU KNOW.

    Anyway, I have to go spike the egg nog. My little brother is already stoned.

  17. i’m so glad that this open thread community exists. home with my family for the holidays, the whole christmas eve church experience is getting harder to do every year. glad you all are here for me to commiserate with and know i’m not alone in my feelings

  18. this was the great coming out christmas here in southeast texas…by which i mean i told my mom i have a girlfriend, she said “okay” and then we continued to bicker about unrelated useless nonsense. i suppose that’s a pretty good response.

    things that are getting me through:
    – skype
    – last.fm [bikini kill station]
    – Sam Adams Winter Lager
    – crafty crafts — i’m making the gf a stuffed dragon for christmas. also, i candied my own ginger. word.

  19. just ate some veggie sushi that i picked up at the nearest chinese restaurant since, once again, despite the bounty of food laid out, no one cared to accommodate the only vegan (me).

    actual quote “well, it’s only chicken stock in the soup, that’s not actual meat”. sigh.

    have now made up a fictional errand so that i can have a smoke before returning to the family fest.

    and beer. i must locate beer.

  20. I’ve cooked 4 out of the 6 dishes my parents, my brother and I are enjoying this evening. I feel proud of myself! Rosemary-mushroom-apple bread stuffing, eggplant gratin, sweet potato-pecan casserole and molten chocolate cake are all on the menu tonight. Of course they’re all vegetarian (the other 2 are meat, which I refuse to touch), so you’re all welcome to enjoy <3 (sorry vegans, I think they all have dairy in them though :[ )

  21. He said it was a Christmas miracle: the second elevator was fixed! No more waiting 15 minutes or climbing 8 flights of stairs. But when I got in it this afternoon, it got stuck on the 7th floor, doors half-open and groaning. The miracle was short-lived, apparently.

  22. While baking Christmas cookies with my mom I asked her what she would change about me if she could change one thing..

    …drumroll…i was expecting her to say “i’d have you be straight”

    but instead she said “I wish you were on time for something just ONCE in your LIFE”

    we’ve made progress!!

    and I said “If i could change one thing about you, it would be your tendency to clear my plate before i’m done eating because i’m a slow eater and you know that”

    p.s. we lost a lot of our christmas cookie cut outs so this year we are having cookies shaped like pumpkins, dreidels, easter bunnies, apples, ghosts, and stars.

    • You’ve got some totally festive cookies: star of Bethlehem, ghost of Christmas Past/Present/Future, apples are awesome, “Jesus was a Dreidel Spinner,” and Santa Claus hangs out with the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin in the off-season.

        • Me and my straight guyfriend made rainbow velociraptor cookies. Also:

          “Santa hates smokers!!!” – my mother, loud enough for the whole Damn neighborhood to hear while I was having my post-church breathing treatment on the porch.

          Also, went baked to church. Giggled every time they said “baby Jesus,” and the kid in front of me cried every time I looked at him.

      • Haha! My mom doesn’t even bother wasting money on watches because she knows I won’t wear them. Best part is, I took a hormone levels test and my cortisol levels came back backwards…which essentially means I’m actually nocturnal. So there ya go.

  23. When I told her about how our Xmas 09 made the listling, my mom said a mention on Autostraddle was her favorite part of Christmas so far. Granted that was 11 o’clock this morning, but I’ll take it.
    Very merry to everyone celebrating, Bon weekend to everyone who isn’t. Hopes for a peaceful holiday for everyone who can have one and a boozy one for everyone who needs it!

  24. I’ve realized that Christmas is only magical for starry eyed children. I’ve been thinking of the girl who has my heart this Christmas, and I gave up drinking. That’s left me alone with all my thoughts while my family is watching Christmas movies without me because I have to make Christmas cookies and they’re making my gifts. Damn.

  25. My mom is making boiled custard (I’m so excited for this, it’s one of the reasons I love living in the South). I have seen my nieces for the first time in a year which made me very happy. Notable moment: when I asked the three year old what she wanted to be when she grew up her answer was, “There’s plenty of time.” The cuteness cannot be described. I’ve had a glass of wine, my sister gave me a rainbow colored whisk, and snow is happening tomorrow. Christmas is good. I send every one who is having a not so good Christmas virtual boiled custard infused with rum!

      • It’s this amazing Southern drink that’s incredibly rich and creamy drink that has a similar consistency to eggnog but is better. It’s literally custard (a rich sort of pudding) you can drink. Adding alcohol makes it better. It’s made of milk, egg yolks, sugar, and vanilla which comes together to make deliciousness. Unfortunately, you can’t find it in any stores anymore, so you have to make it yourself.

  26. Can’t. Stop. Crying. What the hell is wrong with me?

    I bought my family scratch off lotto tickets for Christmas and was reflecting on how this made me the best daughter/granddaughter ever when I realized that my dad used to do that every year, and this is the second Christmas since he died.

    I shouldn’t be this upset! Someone make me laugh, I have to go to church in half an hour and it’ll be less shit if I’m not bored AND crying.

  27. Guys, I have just had my first wassail. I wanted that Christmas song in my stomach and whoo, it is potent. I feel dinner went by more smoothly because of it.

    Wassail wassail all over the village, wassail wassail all over the town! Our toast it is white and our ale it is brown.

    I am now alone in the house for the night, so I am going to sit around in my wassail-drunkenness and underwear and watch stuff on Netflix instant watch. Wish you were here!

  28. I’m at work. where my ex is also working. with her new boyfriend. and the customers suck.
    also, i’m the asshole who made my mom cry when she called to see why i wasn’t at her house yet and we realized this miscommunication about my days off means there is no christmas for me this year.
    also, i have no alcohol at work. and nothing to smoke.

    You guys: I FAIL AT CHRISTMAS.

  29. Am spending the holidays in family exile for the first time after coming out as trans a few months back. Was initially relieved to miss out on all the racist jokes & awkwardness, but now my girlfriend’s gone to Albuquerque & I’m contemplating a Casual Encounters kind of Christmas. It’s not a good look. All I wanna do is watch Love Actually & paint my toenails silver & wrestle with somebody.

    • My mom’s given me a bit of grief over the hair (though I don’t really have to deal with her much until tomorrow), but it’ll grow out while I’m being a lazy fuck and not getting it cut for another several months anyway.

  30. Christmas is going….hesitantly well so far. My mom was all angry-face all morning because she scrubbed the entire house while I was at work in order to show my dad that “We’re doing just FINE without him!” Thank goodness I got some Christmas rum from my bestie for when my dad visits tomorrow. :]

  31. Best christmas moment so far, my grandfather talking about his drinking days. How he started drinking at 8(in 1948), he quit drinking in 2005. Really hard drinker for five decades and when the doctors did a scan of his liver it didn´t have any sign he ever drank anything stronger then apple juice.

    He saved so many people at sea that he doesnt remember them all.

    He´s a fucking legend

  32. I decided to be proactive after last year’s christmas and received best present ever: My Santa Doctor just refilled my xanax. So now I won’t remember this christmas much which will be a total win.

  33. Today, after going to a friend’s I walked to the park, where I spent about 45 minutes sitting and deciphering my feelings into a semi-coherent story, with Sufjan Stevens’ “Vesuvius” as my roadside buddy. I only wish my food tasted less like plastic.

  34. We had some minor seismic activity and everyone got nervous and left early. So now it’s just me and my parents cleaning up and drinking Pistachio-flavored coquito (to calm our nerves!!). I’m not complaining. If not for this we would be at the point where I’m asked when I’m bringing home a boyfriend (“or girlfriend, whatever you want”).

  35. Today I had my mom read the article by DeAnne Smith because it’s hilarious and my mom and I both share a fear of spiders…she thought it was so funny she snorted a little and then told me about how she thinks that she has been watching the gay channel on tv a lot recently because she keeps seeing RuPaul. Then she did a shot with me out of a shot glass that says “Instant Lesbian: Just Add Alcohol”
    PLUS she let me take a picture of this happening…
    MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

  36. I have to call my father this evening for the first time in the four months I’ve been in the Philippines. I’m praying The Gay Thing doesn’t come up. I just. It’s Christmas. I don’t wanna come out on Christmas. His wife’s mom is pretty much dying of like three different cancers and yeah. But he’s too unpredictable on the phone. It could come up.

    Also all my family is 8,000 miles away and even though I have a host family here, that makes me sad.

    /feelings

    • super long distance internet *hugs* Last year at this time i was trying to avoid coming out to my sister and brother-in-law (who is studying to be a southern baptist pastor. . . yeah) I was able to wait until January 2nd, so it didn’t screw up Christmas! Hooray! Now if only I could magically make them more ok with my fiancee so she could home with me, life would be great!

    • Oh, ALSO FUN? Watching my host family tease my clearly-gay-but-can’t-talk-about-it-because-this-is-the-Philippines host sister about how they’re going to get her a skirt for Christmas. And not being able to say anything because I can’t be out either.

      (I mean like I say things like, “Oh, but it’s so cute!” when they tease her for her short hair (anyway, it is), and things like, “She should wear the clothes that make her happy.” But it doesn’t feel like enough when all I wanna do is take her and be like, “I UNDERSTAND LET’S BE GAY TOGETHER IT’S OKAY.”)

      Good times!

  37. Christmas is already here in NZ. AND I CAN’T STOP SNEEZING, WTF. This is irritating.
    I’m currently experiencing my Christmas downtime — my older siblings are at their respective partners’ parents’ houses. We’ll do presents and stuff when they get back in a couple of hours, excite!
    I love Christmas — it’s pretty chillin’ at my house.
    Good luck (& booze!) to those of you who need it, and goodwill etc. to all!

  38. Root beer schapps exists, and it is amazing.

    Also STEVEN STOP READING BLOGS I READ AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH COMMENTER I AM ALREADY JESUS GODDAMN CHRIST

    Merry Christmas, y’all.

    • I wish my Christmas was filled with as much emotions as you guys.

      My Christmas so far, was spent
      almost falling asleep in church with
      a lighted candle.
      Shoveling snow at eight PM? (For those of you who don’t have snow, I should send you pictures.)

      Future Christmas plans is to
      learn HTML and CSS for the hell of it,
      and to eat lots, and lots of
      sweet potatoes.

  39. ah yes sooo many feelings!

    my younger bro came across the country from good ol’ san fran and i’m realizing this may be my family’s last christmas together for several years (if i go abroad). this makes me so sad! why? i don’t even really like spending much time with them! which makes me even more upset because i feel like i should and am just a horrible daughter… but i just get grumpy at them/myself and ruin christmas! i don’t wanna ruin our last one together for a while! how do i be happy? helpppp me autopals!

    that sounded like a dear abby
    too much wine tonight?
    i am falling apart
    whyamithegrinchbahumbug
    okayforwardslashfeelings

  40. Things discussed at my “family” Christmas Eve party:
    porn, green doors, swingers clubs
    tai chi, cookies, preachers,
    the production of markers.
    Then, we read allowed the constitution.
    We also sang carols.

    • Funny, My parents were just talking about how they went to see Behind the Green Door and left because they were bored.

      My mom was like, all they do is have sex! There was no climax!

      Who says that? and about a porno movie? I told her had she stuck it out I’m sure there would have been a climax.

      • My uncle, a minister kept insisting that references to green doors were about Swingers clubs, and pornos.

        My dad (a professor) and I (a queer teacher) argued that they were a song in the 50’s later covered by the cramps.

        My other uncle (a mechanic/artist) setteled the arguement with his wife (a librarian)’s iPhone googling.

        WE WERE ALL RIGHT. WHA-BAM!

    • Today I told my Hispanic and extremely Catholic family that I’m an atheist. There were lots of tears and screaming and alcohol. Now I’m sitting on a trampoline drinking cheap wine and listening to Tegan and Sara. I’ve gotta say, this is the best Christmas yet!

      • Awesome! I don’t believe in any religions or gods either. Coming to this conclusion has been like a coming out of sorts. Theism/religiousness are as ingrained in our culture as compulsory heterosexuality and gender conformity, and as I have been able to break through the prescribed mumbo jumbo, new vistas have opened up.

        I can’t even say I’m an atheist. I mean, look at a deer. It doesn’t believe in god, but is it an “atheist?” I’m like that deer.

    • I still haven’t told my parents that I’m agnostic/atheist, somehow that conversation is even more stressful than the ‘i’m not going to marry a guy and give you grandkids’ conversation.

  41. Okay I just got home from work, what did I miss? Is everybody drunk? Who is working tomorrow? Please go to your local drugstore tomorrow and buy all that shit that the cashier tries to sell you at the counter. We can’t accept tips but we will get a shiny nickel.

  42. Sitting at home along with a bottle of wine while I pack, take off in the morning to join the family for another xmas in the closet. coming out at xmas just seems like an asshole move, especially since it’s been a rough year for my family. I think they’d be ok with it if i did pull myself out of the closet but it ain’t happening this weekend. at least there will be plenty of alcohol!

  43. i forgot to share this with you guys but i think it is really important: i made out with natalie portman last night [in a dream, minor detail]! it was awesome and we talked too about a lot of stuff and had great chemistry. merry christmas to me! [/i don’t know how i ever woke up this morning]

  44. so far we went to Christmas Eve church service where everyone kept hugging me because I’ve been away for 2 years. then we came home and watched Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps and I almost said out loud that I thought Carey Mulligan was hot and that Shia’s kinda cute too (love his outfits in this movie) even though I’m totally gay I can tell he’s attractive…but I can’t say things like that in front of my parents because it will give my mom hope that maybe I’m not fully gay and it’s just a phase, so yeah.

    at least my brother cannot stop cracking gay jokes so that is making it interesting (he’s just lightly teasing me, not being malicious since I just came out to him recently). yesterday he told me for Christmas he bought me all the Timberlands they had at the store since he didn’t know my size was. (he thinks it’s a stereotype that lesbians wear Timberland boots). good times.

  45. For some reason I was actually looking forward to eve/day this year… well at least eve (since it doesn’t involved extended family) and then it comes along and sure enough everyone is yelling, the sister is sick and grandma lays her guilt trip on us all. To top it off I couldn’t drink because I was driving my sick sister! FUCK! Phew it felt good to get that out.

    Tomorrow I’m sticking close to the bottle of polish vodka with a name I can’t even pronounce.

  46. Here bes the deal at my family Christ-mess Eve Celebration

    My mom makes 3 games. At work.
    Game #1: A series of short answer questions
    Example:Where are you when you catch Mommy kissing Santa Claus?
    Answer: Guantanamo Bay
    Difficulty Level: 3/10
    My Score: 2/10 (No points for jack assery – otherwise would’ve won.)

    Game #2: Outdated Multiple Choice Quiz about Christmas movies
    Difficulty Level 10/10
    My Score: 2/10
    Actually the shittiest game in the world. If you were born after 1970.

    Game #3: Puzzle of “The Night Before Christmas” Line by Line
    (we think that might be the only reason my Mom had her assistant working this week)
    Difficulty Level: 0/10 (smart phones = looking up the book and ending up being in a race of who could find what first)
    Our score: 1st mo-fucka

    The best part? My mom wrapped up 15 mini bottles of Canadian Club and Tequila Rose, and if you said you won something, then you got one.

    I’m saving my tequila for awkwards lesbo-convos with Grandma tomorrow.

  47. I did a combined christmas/thanksgiving time with family already. Usually my mom tells me I’m either too fat or too skinny… this time she just said I look too much like a boy.

    Anyway my original plan to celebrate tomorrow morning was to wake up my roommates while already drunk and my second iteration was just to do a “power day” instead of a “power hour”.

    Too bad I already drank my booze. I wonder if any liquor stores are gonna be open tomorrow…

  48. I possibly should have put my other comment in here but whatevskys its all cool, I love you guys though I’m not sure I feel you all know me as well as I feel I know you all it will all eventually even out, I’m still a bit shy and all that. you know. can I just say that after dealing with my family its super nice to come back here and see you all and be like, damn to have this community on my back on this holiday is just so damn cosy in this way is just so nice. its like hot cocoa pine smell fire warmth nice. I would cuddle yall if I could.

    as I said in that other comment I’m on a lil island in sweden with my fam in the freezing land with more than a meter of snow and like no plumbing and so much glögg (mulled wine) with vodka and cookies and lussekatt (saffron buns) delicious! I am full of delicious food. and drank. I love everyone. also if you are having notsogoodtimes let me know I don’t mind I want to share my cosy times with you!

  49. I’m thinking it might be a bad thing that it’s Christmas eve and tomorrow i’m going home to be around my homophobic brother in law and sister who kept their kids from me for 8 months after i came out of the closet and i’m feeling totally fucking crazy and like i have no self control over what’s going to come out of my mouth. ironically i’m glad there won’t be booze tomorrow. I don’t need anything to lower my inhibitions than they already seem to be. ugh. fucking up this christmas would be horrid. the first one without my gramma. ugh.

  50. Now I’m watching Bridalplasty. Do you guys know about this show? This is the worst thing. I seriously can’t handle it. It’s about women competing for plastic surgery so they can be perfect brides.

    Also, my roommate just gave me a Shake Weight for Christmas.

  51. the boy scouts ran out of trees so we couldn’t steal one last night, so my best friend’s mom made one out of a spider lamp and random decorations. it’s pretty beautiful.
    her grandfather gave us each a beanie baby with our presents, and he gave me the UNICORN because I’m GAY.
    i also got a sweatshirt with a christmas kitten on it, and i yelled “YES” with visceral happiness.

      • i read this while laughing at a button i found on the table next to me, which has a seal on it, and says “THE SEAL OF APPROVAL”.
        so if someone reads this while thinking of seals… it’ll be just like one of those novels where everything is completely and oddly connected… so, just like life.

  52. I’m missing my long distance not-quite girlfriend. I also managed to end up getting suckered into buying all of the gifts for my dad from my mom. Does that make sense? I don’t even know. *facepalm*

    Good news is!!! Caramilk liquor.

  53. had a great dinner. drank a lot of wine and ate 4/7 fishes. clams, muscles, shrimp, lobster. I love italian christmas. I wish I was out to my grandmother.sometimes. I mean she is 94.. I’m so thankful to get to spend another christmas with her. I just get antsy when she says I should find a nice boy and that he should take care of me… usually when this happens I just drink more wine. ok time for a scotch. CHEERS!

  54. My father had 8 vodka and tonics tonight, and my mother gave me a snuggie. Plus I showed some of my paintings to my extended family and they all seemed genuinely impressed, so Chtistmas Eve has been successful.

    In the morning my parents my dog and I will open presents and then head over to my grandpa’s house to spend the day with the other side of the family, which always has the potential to be a shitshow…

      • actual conversation i had recently-

        person: i wonder what jewish people even do on christmas…
        me: they go to the movies and eat chinese food.
        person: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA that would be so funny
        me: no really though, a lot of jews go to the movies and eat chinese food. common knowledge. fact.
        person: stop fucking with me. ha, ha, funny. you’re funny.
        me: WHEN HAVE I EVER FUCKED WITH ANYONE REGARDING FACTS

        and for about a week i was like “fuck, what if by some strange chance, only the jewish people I know go to the movies and eat chinese food on christmas?!”

        but i’ve heard it mentioned a few times today so phew.

  55. So, I feel like sharing my Xmas eve because it’s been ridiculous so far. Here’s why.
    – forced to go to church (pretty standard but still lame)
    – was trapped in a stairwell and had to talk to ‘sunday school’ teacher guy who once pseudo-kidnapped me to inform me about the consequences of being gay and warn me of the ‘gay agenda’….kinda Awkward, just sayin’
    – number of cans of wine (no, really) I was given by a stranger? 2. Sketchy.
    – racist/sexist/homophobic remarks from my grandfather at dinner? Over 35. This also corresponds to the number of facepalms/choking on food/etc
    – somehow I also got punched in the face, by my brother, by accident. It was very three stooges .

    So… that was neat.

  56. My mom and I had a major gender-policing issue as I was getting ready for mass tonight. Long story short, she ended up yelling “DO YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A BOY!? HELP ME UNDERSTAND!” She really wasn’t all that understanding, trust me. In the end I had to wear a goddamn red dress. Before walking out the door she made me put on lipgloss. When she asked if I liked it, I said “it tastes good.”

    Hours pass, I have quite a few glasses of wine. We’re opening presents. I get a ton of super fancy make-up, but not the snowboarding pants I wanted. I (regretfully) start tearing-up and tell her that she doesn’t get me. We cry and yell, and she goes to bed and I clean up the cheese dips.

    • This usually happens where we’ll be going to like a movie and then a casual dinner with my parents’ best friends…I’ll have a cute plaid button down and jeans and some oxfords, and my mom is like: “you’re NOT wearing jeans” and I’m just like “why can’t you let me wear what makes me comfortable as long as I’m not dressed like a hooker”…inevitably several people WILL be wearing jeans and it doesn’t even matter. Today she didn’t mind my outfit though, AND she even got me jeggings as a Christmas present! I didn’t even ask for them but damn if they are not awesome. I might wear them to church tomorrow, I don’t know yet…

      yeah, church within 2 days of each other. admittedly I had some catching up to do. but I don’t mind, it’s only like an hour and a half and it makes my parents really happy.

  57. I’ve had a rough night. It started with my dad taking me outside to find out why I broke up with my gf. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it with him or anyone.he got mad and stormed off and left.

    Later on, my grandfather started choking.cousins tried cpr. It didn’t work. He turned blue. Several minutes went and no breathing.finally paramedics came. No breathing yet. He was taken to hospital. He’s still unconscious. Was On a respirator, but breathing on his own now. Food in his lungs. But I think he might be ok….not sure.

    I’ve been having connection issues all night and have been trying to vent since my spat with my dad. Blegh.

  58. so i went to church. and decided i never need to go back to my parents’ church ever again. all my friends from there are married. and there are babies. remind me not to go to my high school reunion next year.
    but i did see a contingent of baby gays in the youth choir which i was very excited about! (my church is actually quite cool and accepting and i basically grew up there, i’m just over that phase of my life/this city/the midwest)

  59. well the internet is misteriously out in my house so i’m reading these and writing this in the dark on my cell phone! thank god for internet on phones. went to church this evening and sang in the choir and showed off my crazy gay haircut and no nosy old ladies said anything to me about it! then i went to an annual gathering with family friends where everyone LOVED my new hair (all shaved except bangs) and talked about im so excited to have kids one day and no one said “uh but how are you gonna go about that you big gaywad” (i should really give these people more credit!). anyway, this christmas i’m thankful for anti-depressants, my family, autostraddle open threads and internet on my phone. lots of love for alllll of youuu! xox

  60. My mom’s had three allergic reactions to alcohol but continues to drink it, my dad’s wearing a knee-length gold puffer jacket, and I accidentally threw the cat across the kitchen today, but we have gifts, pizza, and donuts so it’s all good! 😀

    Except they still think I’m straight but telling them I’m not would be like the most awkward/disappointing gift in the history of my family, so that’s gonna wait until spring break.

  61. Um, I got a vintage skinny tie AND a sweet mother-of-pearl inlay tie clip from my girlfriend’s 80-year-old grandma for Christmas. I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE DEEPLY UNDERSTOOD OR FULLY ACCEPTED IN MY LIFE.

    The only problem is, now I kinda have a crush on the grandma.

  62. um, so, the fam was watching the Jim Carrey version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, & hey did yall ever notice, THE GRINCH WAS RAISED BY LESBIANS??

    well, my 3rd white russian & i did, & i yelled our discovery at the tv, & my entire family gave me a look. OOPS.

  63. My granddad just started a sentence by saying ‘one of the things that Hitler said in Mein Kampf that I really agreed with was…’ His other favourite topics of discussion are: 1) why immigrants are ruining our country, 2) why my education is useless and 3) why homosexuals are perverse and wrong.

    I am currently hiding in my room with the alcohol. Please send help.

  64. It’s Christmas. I am at the soon-to-be-ex-in-laws house. But, I got to sleep in until noon because we’re not doing presents until tomorrow (which my STBX-MIL will only refer to as Boxing Day — go Canadians).

    Oh, the stories I could tell about time spent at this house. Like, the fact that one of the dogs is wearing a ski cap because he has an abscess in his ear and she won’t take him back to the vet because she thinks this will work just as well.

    Now, sad stuff. My STBX-MIL has cancer/is getting chemo’ed. So, instead of telling her that we’re splitting up, my STB-ex-husband wants to fake the happy holidays and tell them later. Can we say yay? When all I really want to do is announce at dinner that I finally figured out I’m gay and I’m really sorry for the inconvenience but I still love them all and will be around because we have an amazing son together. And my STBX-hubs is a great guy and father… he’s just… well, a guy.

    Okay! Time to go drink some more. Homemade hot buttered rum… mmmmm…

  65. My girlfriend and I are spending Christmas with seven gay boys.

    Also present:

    – Glee Soundtrack Vol.4
    – 5 Christmas trees
    – Bacardi, Absolut, E&J, Starbucks Liqueur, Jose Cuervo, Stella Artois, and misc. Chilean wines
    – numerous requests to touch my boobs
    – promiscuous dancing
    – Golf – the card game
    – 4 a.m. pizza
    – allocating turkey baster contents & surrogacy planning
    – gf refusing to wake up for work at 5 a.m.

    Traditionally absent:

    – blood relatives
    – Christmas dinner for 9
    – church
    – sobriety

    Now we’re just afraid we will run out of beverages today as the liquor stores aren’t open…

  66. Waiting for the Christmas biscuts to be done so we can watch Inception. :] Got videogames and boots for Cmas, total dyke workboots and murder and blood and car racing video games. I just now realized how gay I am.

    Mom tried to sneak in a purse into the gifts, but I found the gift receipt, ha.

    Money from aunties is buying alcohol tonight, but they dont know it.

    Luckily for me no “why are you gay” comments, but I miss my girlfriend who had to work.

    I love this thread, its so long and funny. Merry Christmas!

  67. My ten year old sister got two movies for Christmas: Grease and Jurassic Park III. We watched Grease and she could not have cared less. But, oh man, Jurassic Park III has her undivided attention.

    WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY? I’m beginning to think she’s the (insert modern equivalent of milkman)’s or something. Because for reals, who the hell doesn’t like Grease?! I don’t care how old you are. There is no excuse.

  68. Pretty sure my sister’s boyfriend outed me over forced cookie decorating last night. My dad just looked at him, at me with my “too short, why did you cut it so short, it looked nice when it was longer” haircut and then at the rainbow I was creating on a cookie with frosting. Also, I have no money to buy a plane ticket home 🙁

  69. Giant, pink, floral, fuzzy bathrobe with mother-of-pearl buttons and a book on how to “be French” by someone named mimi with little poodles sketched all over the cover. Have these people ever met me? Or is their Christmas wish simply that I never get laid again?

  70. sitting alone in sweats with the balcony door wide open ’cause i’m smoking and alternating between drinking baileys and a wine/apple/cinnamon/OJ concoction.

    also a knights tale was on tv and the blacksmith lady is cat!! from lip service. amazing.

  71. i got a nook 🙂 and my period 🙁 merry christmas/happy saturday to everyone. now i shall be setting this crap up whilst watching mel gibson run around in a kilt (SERIOUSLY, WHY IS BRAVEHEART ALWAYS ON, AND WHY DOES MY FATHER NEED TO WATCH IT EVERY TIME?)

    • My bodies christmas eve present to itself was the most killer cramps ever 🙁
      Parents christmas presents to me involved a steampunkish pocketwatch, a pin-up girl calendar (which I had already begged for), and like… 6 collections of HP Lovecraft.

      Christmas was fabulous. Continuing with L Word marathon now.
      anyone want to take the cramps away?

      • I am right there with ya, girls. You know Christmas is going to be great when your last-minute shopping trip involves buying tampons.

        I have to be nice to relatives I only see once a year, when all I want is to take some Tylenol PM and curl up with a heating pad.

  72. My mom was helping me put away some of my presents when she started looking at the new converse I got, not really understanding the appeal. I went on for like, 15 minutes about how awesome and comfortable and versatile they are, till she interrupted me with, “yeah, but they’re kind of lesbian shoes…”
    /conversation.

    She doesn’t know about my ladylovin’ ways. It was incredibly difficult to maintain a straight face as I collected my goods and left the room.

  73. So my dad’s coming over in a few minutes. I’ve taken a few precautionary shots of my rum Christmas present from friends but I can tell it’s going to be awkward. I haven’t seen the guy in around 4 months and we never really had much of a relationship to start with. He and my mom separated 6 months ago because she caught him cheating and my mom’s planning on bringing up divorce papers tonight (because it’s hard to get a hold of him otherwise). Good thing I have sexytimes with my girlfriend to look forward to afterwards. I was having such a good day but I have a feeling that that’s going to go downhill fast. :[

  74. I got drunk and ruined Christmas Eve with radical feminism.

    My family is Greek. Greek women don’t like eastern european women because they’re coming to Greece and marrying old greek dudes for money, and the old greek dudes are leaving their greek wives for them.

    I pointed out that they should blame the men not the women, and that the poor eastern european girls probably didn’t want to marry old greek dudes (old greek guys are hairy and sexist and awful) and clearly shit must be bad for them to do so.

    Then my mom was like, they have no morals, they’re selling their bodies.

    And I said anyone would sell their bodies if they needed to for survival.

    My mom said she wouldn’t.

    And I said she would and I would if it was the only way to survive, and blaming poor young girls was a reflection of a misogynistic society that forces women to trade their bodies as commodities and then demonizes them for it.

    Then my dad jumped in a said he didn’t want to talk about his daughter becoming a whore.

    Things went downhill from there.

    You are lucky not to be Greek.

    On the bright side, I came out to my sister and she took it very well.

  75. I was at my brother’s house yesterday, and they had a card under the tree addressed to me + my gf. Pretty sure my dad (who doesn’t know I’m a gay yet…) saw it before I frantically hid it/had a heart attack. He hasn’t said anything yet. Ugh.

    At least there was wine last night. No alcohol in the house I’m in today. Suckkkks.

  76. My 3 brothers gave me the Tegan and Sara vinyl box set for Christmas heck yeah. My Mom gave my 20 year old brother about 50 ping pong balls FOR BEER PONG specifically. And my 16 year old brother’s English teacher told his class that if 10+ kids take pictures on Christmas day of them and their siblings in a homemade fort he will buy the class pizza so now we’re making my older brother put on a monkey costume and are doing that.

    Also, I just got this text from my [in the closet] gay bff “fuck Christmas. My parents are asking if I will ever give them a grandchild. I am so close to telling them that the current plan is for me to throw sperm at you and your future wife but that will just confuse them.”

  77. anyone else having the “we got a new bookshelf and are now trying to put it together” holiday blowout??

    dear good baby angel jesus christmas tree dreidel,

    please rush a six pack of corona…make it a case.

    thanks,
    disgruntled building things lesbian couple in the bronx

  78. We’ve played Scrabble and not argued. We’ve got drunk and not argued. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING.

    Perhaps the argument will occur on Boxing Day. I find myself missing it!

  79. My grandmother blames everything on the blacks, the gays, and the Jews, and I can’t take much more of her racist outbursts.

    I just want to cry because last Christmas I gave her my heart, and the next year she gave it away, and I just can’t handle it when said grandmother asks about said ex-girlfriend’s well-being.

    There’s not enough whisky in the world to deal with my emotions right now.

  80. Me: opening a present that turns out to be a voucher to go to an expensive hairdresser, ‘ooh yey I can get my hair cut like Tegan and Sara’
    Mum: like who? Who are Tegan and Sara?
    * Awkward silence*
    Me: um like Justin bieber?
    Mum: oh you mean like a lesbian? Why would you do that only lesbians and fat people get there hair cut like that!
    Me: it’s fashionable.

    My dad also made the comment, ‘ this coffee is gay’ after I made it incorrectly, le sigh.

    • i just cut my own bangs and i think i messed up. i couldn’t figure out why i look so bad after cutting them so THEN i looked up on the internet how to cut bangs and i saw a video on youtube that said i should be cutting no further than the “iris” (“from iris to iris”) and I totally cut like all the way to my ears practically.

    • I love this whole thread so much, because when you take everything together you have such a perfectperfectperfect mosaic of just humanity. Like this. Indian food and varicose veins.

      It’s all so prosaic that it’s looped around to poetic.

  81. The best part about Christmas this year was the star wars marathon on television yesterday and today. Oh, and the sorting hat that my brother bought for me. I keep putting it on drunk relatives heads and shouting obnoxiously what house they’d be in, hahah. Sigh.

  82. guys we listened to jay-z all day and i think we’re playing guitar hero as soon as my brother is done with the dishes. there was kind of an awkward moment when i tried to pass “bi’ off as a word in Scrabble and everyone uncomfortably wondered whether they should tell me it’s not real. but also guitar hero, so

  83. Christmas didn’t suck. i’m still kinda shocked. I got the Star Wars Trilogy, a pastry cutter, a calender from the place dad get’s his machinery fixed, 2 magazine subscriptions, a starbucks card, and lots of candy.

    there was no craziness, altough my 8 year old nephew kept on talking about coming to visit me and i know his parents won’t let him since my lady and I live together. UGH. He also told me to be sure to tell my dog superhero stories. 😛 and my niece made me a necklace that is awesome.

  84. i am editing “julie and brandy gone wild” and drinking whiskey, also as aforementioned i cut my own bangs and it’s not pretty.

    that ad on the bottom of our page for “gaycast” is making me crazy

  85. i wish ALL OF YOU were here up in my crib with me and the wifey playing Def Jam Rap Star. fo realzzzzzzz rapping and drinking 24oz cans of PBR this is a hood queer hip hop holiday happening right before my eyes ladies.

    “dont wanna be a playa no more….”

    • okay so this is probably not really what you want but gives me a good excuse to share the absolute hilarity that is the blog “hyperbole and a half” if you haven’t seen it. her christmas post, like most others, is pure gold:

      http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

      i am beginning to think i post too many links but seriously that’s like the funniest thing in the world maybe and i feel it is a sin not to share. it’s christmas and i don’t want to sin on jesus’ bday. therefore, i have no other choice.

  86. I’m at a ridiculously enormous house in the suburbs of Dallas missing my girlfriend and drinking red wine like it’s my job. There’s a couple here who were introduced as “Ross and his…friend…” I’m trying to figure out a subtle way of saying the equivalent of “wink, wink, merry Christmas to the gays!” We’ll see how I do…

    • yeah, i love going to my girlfriends family things, because her uncle and his “friend” are always there. and at her graduation, her gramma told me that she was glad we had such a “special” friendship. hee hee.

  87. am i too late on this? last night we went to a church where the preacher said that just this year his friend was cured of aids when he professed his belief in god.

    today, my mum gave me a microdermabrasion face cleaning thing and called it a “toothbrush for my face.” my uncle’s girlfriend called it a vibrator and high-fived my mum.

  88. Fears over a blizzard hitting NY tomorrow = my family running around like chickens with our heads cut off loading the car and bidding rushed adieus to the family and tearing down 95 back to DC for 6 hours of in car family fun. By far the most interesting Christmas night in a while.

    On the bright side, there was a cute dykey couple at a rest stop in New Jersey and I had fun watching them until my sister made fun of them and rained on my lovely Christmas parade. Spoil sport.

    • I am totally blitzed on wine (for various reasons) and I’m sitting here on the MD side of the District waiting for this snow the weathermen told me to panic about. If nothing else, it’d be interesting.

    • I am in Arlington for the holidays. Today, escaped from the relatives’ house to battle the epic windstorm and hole up at Starbucks, then the library.

      So much for the snow. But I don’t think I could’ve handled being stuck in that house for another 24 hours.

      Thinking of going out later this week… any suggestions?

      • Ayyy Arlington represent. Well, for the nightlife you’re going to have tons o fun in Clarendon, pretty much the entire neighborhood is bars and a safe bet for dancing and drinks and such. Rock Bottom in Ballston has dollar beer nights on Wednesdays and it gets pretty full from what I’ve seen of the line outside. If you’re in the business for a gay bar, Phase 1 in DC is usually where it’s at for the lady queers. I don’t know if you’re into hockey, but the Caps are playing in the Winter Classic on New Years Day so you’d make lots of friends by showing up at like The Front Page Grill in Ballston or Summers in Courthouse/Clarendon.

        • Thanks! I should have been more specific… I did mean gay bars. I actually used to live in Arlington, but it was a few years ago and not when I was straight. 🙂 I have a house near Shirlington (rented out right now), and I’m staying in Clarendon for the holidays so I’m really close to all the places you mentioned.

          Currently, I’m going to school in Small Midwest Town, USA. I would love nothing more than to be somewhere, surrounded by as many queers as possible! But I kinda don’t want to show up by myself someplace I’ve never been. Was thinking of going to Freddie’s in Crystal City. I know it’s more of a boy bar but at this point, I will take queer in any form I can get it.

  89. I survived, drank nearly 1.75L of Moscato by myself which enabled me to care less about my boring relatives and had my dad laughing at me asking if I was “high on wine.” All in all a tolerable xmas day. I’m shocked.

  90. Tv special about Justin Bieber on in the background while the entire family is getting ready for Christmas dinner…
    Mom: oh look! It’s someone else with your haircut!
    Me: **cue hysterical laughter**
    rest of the fam: …what’s so funny?

    On the bright side, that was the nicest comment I’ve gotten on my hair since I’ve been home. Needless to say, the alternative lifestyle cut isn’t going over so well with the fam…

  91. Christmas Eve:
    -6 shots of peach Bacardi
    -2 glasses of rum spiked egg nog
    -3 glasses of wine
    -drunk spades
    – Everyone got completely wasted including my 15 year old sister and 72 year old grandma
    – seeing/speaking to my mother for the first time since june
    – one dig at my (unconfirmed)sexuality (my brother calls me Ellen)
    – my cousin bought a Fushigi and we all drunkenly watched the instruction DVD for an hour before we realized it was just a plastic ball with a metal ball inside.

  92. Autostraddle has taught me that I am apparently half jewish on Christmas. By that I mean I watched movies for a good portion of the day. I probably would have had chinese food, but I’m too stingy/poor to order it.

  93. Tonight was the second conversation in the last few weeks that I’ve been asked when I’m gonna pop out some grandkids. Okay, they didn’t put it that way specifically, but whatever. Not to mention it was my other set of grandparents that brought the subject up this time. I’m only 20! Just because the rest of the people in my family got pregnant/married at a young age doesn’t mean I want to jump on that train. I’d appreciate if I could at least finish school first. Geez.

    Other than that awkward conversation, Christmas has been good. We got a white Christmas. In North Carolina. That shit doesn’t happen around here, y’all.

  94. All I’ve done all day is eat, take pictures with the new camera from my parents, and get hugged/be told I’m pretty by my nieces and nephews. All of whom are super adorbs, just fyi.

    My brother and I also performed a beautiful Horse With No Name/Our House/Last Christmas medley on guitars and vocals. SO FESTIVE. (Protip: neither of us play guitar. Or sing very well.)

    Then my dad made me a Jack & pepsi and we watched Barrett Jackson.

    My sister-in-law actually jumped and screamed when my mum and I told her we got her a ticket to go see Melissa Etheridge & Serena Ryder with us this spring, and the same sister-in-law (plus my brother and nieces) got me a tin full of guitar picks with Dolly Parton pictures all over them. THEY’RE PRETTY AMAZING, OKAY?

    It’s like living in a deep-fried rainbow full of kittens and ice cream and sparkly unicorns, you guys. EVERYTHING IS AMAZING, I LOVE EVERYONE, THERE IS SO MUCH FOOD HERE, THE END.

  95. “rolling down the street smokin indo sippin on gin and juice. laid back wit my mind on my money and my money on my mind”

    as u can tell wifey and i are still drinking 24oz PBR and rapping to def jam rap star.

    yeah hood lesbians…hmmm lemme see if i got something interesting to say…

    um nah we’re 7 years in the game w each other (me n wifey) so all the awkward and terrible lesbo xmas moments: we’ve already gone through them.

    moms wouldnt speak to her our first xmas and now they’re exchanging hugs and gifts.
    had to come out before that: done and done. mom doesn’t hate me anymore.

    umm yeah so it gets better kiddies if you’re honest and dont give a good god damn what people or your family think about you…

    eventually you too will get to just play wii with your woman after an awesome holiday. yeah yeaahhhhh

  96. well, before i could actually get my drunk on, my mom tried to pull a Ms. Cleo and tell me i was gonna become an alchoholic (you finish 1 bottle of wine and all of a sudden you’re in need of a visit from Dr. Drew).

    Then the-soon-to-be-former black sheep of the family shows up (im pretty sure im the next one) and awkward hugs+conversation+insults ensue.

    All i wanted was to get drunk, eat turkey, and play ps3, but no… thanks Santa, you douche. You’re on my naughty list now.

  97. random thought while listening to hip hop music:

    am i really missing anything by not having a musical relationship with the beastie boys?

    any thoughts….

    hmmmzzz

  98. so I’m in the process of discovering that copious amounts of water (nearly a gallon) has a similar disconcerting/vomity effect as alcohol, without the the pleasant feelings-dulling effect

  99. Direct quote from my cousin who has served two tours in the army: “I don’t think they should be lettin them gays in the military, or women either…pretty soon they’re all just gonna be wantin that equal opportunity bullshit just like them blacks, and then I’m supposed to be showerin with them.”

    I think I completely outted myself with my reaction. Oh well, Merry Christmas right?

  100. schedule of the christmas:

    10:30 – start drinking mimosas. eat 4 cinnamon rolls.
    12:00 – nap
    2:30 – aunt asks me if I “have a boyfriend”. I realize she has not yet been told of the 2yr+ girlfriend or the whole gay thing. oops! now is not the time.
    3:00 – start drinking at cousin’s with awkwardly extended family.
    3:00-6:00 – gin and tonic, jack and coke, beer from kegerator
    6:00 – everyone makes fun of me for mixing booze. “college student” they say. I cannot deny it.
    6:00 – lack of mixers. mash up a pear. add vodka. strain. best. idea. ever.
    6:30 – try with mango + tangerines. better idea.
    7:00 – gin and soda. too drunk to muddle.
    7:30 – hostess smokes her medical marijuana. dinner will be further delayed.
    8:00 – fall asleep on couch.
    9:30 – am finally home, tucked in bed. never ate dinner.
    2:43 – am suddenly sober, awake, and writing on autostraddle.

    Merry Christmas.

  101. Christmas morning text from uncle: “Hey Kait, you up yet? cuz I got Guinness draught so we can get wobbly christmas.”

    He then proceeded to give me a Guinness magnet bottle opener and a bottle opener ring, which I then used for ‘our’ case of Guinness.

  102. Christmas in Berlin:

    – wake up at 3:30, pop champagne while making quick preparations for my christmas dinner dish (shrimp fajitas- why not?)

    – arrive to christmas feast, bottle in hand (needed something to keep me warm on the ubahn)

    -delicious wine with dinner, ate myself into food coma
    dessert: a few joints, many screwdrivers and christmas “biscuits”

    -2:30 am: GAYHANE, a turkish-themed queer party. bum cigarettes off of FTM, bought drinks by random gay man that I (apparently) met some time ago. next, the infamous “roses” bar (one of david bowie’s old haunts, conveniently located next door). features include: fur-covered walls, (occasional animal print pattern) and classic gay jams. Met some friends and proceeded to drink for free.

    8:15 am- we decide to have a slumber party! stumbled out of the bar into the blinding daylight, get home and listen to b-side of mayer hawthorne before passing out in the same bed.

    I’d say it was certainly one for the record books

  103. No word of a lie my gran just took my dad hostage.

    I mean, why else would you hide someones car keys and gloves after they’ve driven you home to find the tele donkers you hid before christmas?

  104. So my Uncle D——‘s partner has children from when he was in denial and married to a woman, one of whom I refer to as my cousin B——-. He always brings whatever bland chick he’s dating to Christmas, but this year was…different.

    His new flame is tattooed, pierced, openly bisexual and very, very forward. Dude, I barely got my coat off and she was all up in my shit, like she could smell the homo on me. Two cigarette breaks with her later and she confessed she not only didn’t smoke, but was into girls, specifically me at the moment. I laughed and drank, drank more and laughed as she spewed filthy come-ons to me and talked about B——- like he wasn’t there, mentioning at least a dozen times that he’s very progressive and understands her “need” to be with women. Then, in front of my pseudo-cousin (who we must remember, boys and girls, is her boyfriend), she planted one on me, a long passionate Streetcar Named Desire kinda kiss. I fled, and ate dinner without looking at either of them at all.

    Somewhere between grabbing a roll and finishing my green beans it hit me: she’s smoking hot and for whatever reason she wants to tap it. It being me. If Baby Jesus wants to send me a bi cutie, who the fuck am I to reject this yummy gift on our Lord and Savior’s birthday? Sure, it’s been proven astronomically that he was born in April, but since this is the day the Christians picked so they could compete with Pagan Winter Solstice it totally counts. So while the rest of the fam scarfed dessert I went over to her and whispered “Wait 45 seconds and then come into the bathroom.”

    Why 45 seconds? I don’t know. But I felt pretty baller about it. Fleeing, ignoring, and then pursuing seems like the sexual equivalent of checking and then raising in poker.

    I had barely closed the door and sat down on the tub when she came in, wrapped both arms and one leg around me, and started what I still like to call “it.” Without turning this into a pulpy porno story, we spent about 20 minutes in the bathroom without pants before chatter outside the door sent us into a panic and we wrapped it up.

    The rest of the holiday was uneventful in comparison. I did put my number in her phone. She texted pleasantly nasty things to me, and stealthily grabbed my ass during our goodbye hug. I don’t know where this will go or if it was a one-time deal, and the boozy headache slipping over my frontal lobe means not much more pondering will happen tonight. But I would totally stuff her stocking again.

  105. I’m with my super Christian family who listen exclusively to Christian radio and send their daughter to a Christian dance studio and read Christian mysteries and celebrate Christmas as “Jesus’ birthday.”

    I’m out to my parents but not to my brother and his wife. My dad told me that my ex-boyfriends must’ve been sexually abusive to turn me gay and quoted statistics from a “how to minister to gays” conference I forgot he went to in ’07. He also told me NARTH was unbiased and I had to fill him in on George Rekers. We have hushed debates about my homogayness when everyone else is out of the room and he wants to have a discussion with me about “what the Bible says about homosexuality” but “now is not the time.” Good thing I’m prepared. I’m looking forward to that shit.

    At least my 4-year-old nephew has a sense of humor. In his Sunday school class they asked him what God wanted for Christmas and he said “gummy worms and a space ship.”

    I’d like a space ship to leave the Bible belt and go back to NYC and my lovely much-missed girlfriend, thanks.

  106. Fortunately i worked on christmas day, boxing day and now have two night shifts before my rostered days off. I’ve avoided as many mass family gatherings as possible since one aunt began calling me ‘Lebanese’. Obviously saying ‘lesbian or gay’ would be a bad influence on younger family members… (actual quote “she’s such a tomboy like you were… lets hope she doesn’t grow up to be lebanese” nice double whammy there; racist *and* homophobic.)

    Fortunately my Dad refuses to partake in Christmas, has renamed it as “non denominational public holiday general day off” and refuses to buy/receive gifts/attend family gatherings. this year he sent me text pics of the fish he caught and was bbq’ing for dinner. Random.

    Anyway, instead of dealing with my own family traumas i get to clean up other peoples, it’s strangely quite therapeutic (but also profoundly depressing. On a side note; try and avoid maiming yourselves these holidays people. And if it feels like a good idea after a six pack of beer… it probably isn’t…. oh, and no one likes a puncher. true story.)

  107. my christmas consisted of a christmas eve service in which i sat quietly, though screaming in my head, then taking turns reading the christmas story from my southern baptist stepgrandmother’s bible.

    on the way home, my sister mentioned dadt in which my stepbrother promptly started to laugh. “hahaha gays. they can’t be together.”

  108. Ya’ll, I got a serious christmas miracle yesterday. I’ve been gone from the community for a while cause a month ago my brother outed me, and my parents kicked me out. Yesterday, they let me come home. To stay. They’re making me go to therapy and shit, and I can’t see my gf, but- I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE I WON’T SLEEP AT THE PARK ANYMORE omg… I love you guys. And I’m back. I also seriously need someone to talk to.

    b.arafel@gmail.com to anyone who’s interested.

  109. Well I survived both Parent Christmas and Grandparent/Extended Family Christmas, but now I have to go home, load up my truck, and move out of me and my girlfriend’s apartment so I can move back home with the ‘rents to finish college. Yay.

  110. Best quote of my christmas:

    the lead up story: so my younger sister is not homophobic in any sense of the word. Hell her husbands best friend is a gay man. But apparently she is incredibly antisantaphobic (not a word). While cleaning up dinner my girlfriend and I make a passing comment about how our children wont believe in Santa. My sister is not pleased with this. We discuss our many reasons: you’re lying to your children, we’ll explain santa the same way we describe jesus, its creepy to tell a child an old man comes in their house at night. She’s not buying our argument.

    End quote: (said loudly and in her my sister is a lunatic voice)
    “Jesus Christ you’re lesbos can’t you just make Santa a woman and celebrate that way!!”

    awesomeness. laughing so loud i was crying. couldn’t breath.

    my sister followed it up with a morning text saying “you know i didnt mean anything insulting by calling you a lesbo right?”
    🙂 i love holidays

  111. I’m scared. Because of the snow causing things to be rescheduled, I now have to drive to Delaware with my mom’s ex-husband (who I haven’t talked to in about 13 months because a) he’s a sociopathic asshole who adds nothing but extreme emotional baggage to my life and b) he raped my mom) to have christmas with his crazy North Carolina/West Virginia-based family. I really don’t wanna go! But I have to, because I’d feel like shit sending my little siblings alone with him. Fuck.

  112. I read all 540 replies to this earlier today, while using the high speed internet in a grocery store in the wilds of Northern Michigan. Now I’m in the library, using the high speed because my parents are the only humans alive that still have dialup.

    So, this holiday season I learned that
    a. Coffee liqueur and coke do not mix well (BYOB next time)
    b. Mom will not buy me anything that qualifies as fun (roller derby paraphernalia) and sticks to things like socks and blenders
    c. Dad will try to buy me fun things, but end up with a Dutch region 2 Fantasia DVD (whoops)
    d. I can’t stay in the closet much longer cause it makes me cry
    e. The only way to get out of church on Sunday is major intestinal distress, which means while I am not eating, Mom eats all my gluten free cinnamon rolls
    f. gluten free cinnamon rolls sometimes turn out squishy
    g. My diabetic dad will not eat all the non gluten free treats, and therefore there are an insane amount of treats that neither my mom nor I can eat
    h. Despite the fact that my brother is almost 30, he will never stop being a dick at Christmastime
    i. Mom will never remember all my food allergies, so check all food labels so she doesn’t murder you
    j. My allergic reaction to sorghum lasts for at least 5 days despite copious Benadryl
    k. next year I’m going to my sister’s and we’ll do gay shit.

    the end.

    • Next year sounds fun. Thank god for sisters.

      Mine was with me with I came out to my parents. I still hyperventilated, but she was there with an “I love you, it’s okay, take a breath” look that helped me through it.

  113. Came out to the immediate family this Christmas. Reactions, in order of least awesome to most awesome:

    Mom (summary): “Well, if you were a Christian I’d tell you that you were going to hell, but I think it’s too late for that. Just don’t tell your grandparents, they don’t have much time left.”

    Sister: “I don’t think you’re bisexual. I think you’re just trying to be cool.”

    Dad: “So…you met someone on the internet? What’s the site? I want to find a girlfriend, too! Straight people are on there too, right?”

    It went better than I expected!

  114. So this holiday break, my one and only sister told my that she can not stand my long term girl friend. As in thinks irrational thoughts, she even told me she is a better person when she doesn’t think of her.
    In a couple of months I am moving away from home and she told me that she will probably not visit me, and it will probably be the end of our relationship (even though we are fucking sisters).
    I am sad and don’t know how to fix this situation. The tension has been going on for a long time. I love my sister so much and entertained the idea of dumping my girl for a second, but that is dumb.
    This holiday’s news makes me sad. I don’t want to lose my bff. 🙁

    • Did your sister tell you why she dislikes your girl? I went through something similar – but I was the one who hated my sister’s boyfriend, for valid reason. We had to pretend he didn’t exist, but I eventually warmed to him. Now I think of him as an almost-brother.
      Maybe this can give you hope. I’d like to think that sisters can’t just end their relationships with one another.

      • That does make me feel better. And thanks for responding to my post, I didn’t mean to sound like an annoying teenager.
        She is still being an asshole, but I have realized that I can’t help what she does.
        And I have tried to talk to her, she just gets very irrational. I am hoping that time will help.

  115. Well I’m back at work now, which sucks. This Christmas I have learnt:

    1. I am physically and mentally unable to relax for longer than 20 minutes at a time. The feeling of unease at not working through my ‘to-do’ list was scary at times.

    2. My ‘in-laws’ are pretty sweet, they’ve treated me like a daughter all Christmas.

    3. I hate my job and need a new one. Life is too short for this shit.

    4. Some people are complete dicks. Someone broke into my sisters and stole her Xbox on Christmas day. Smacked up low-lives.

    5. My fiancee is totally not on the same humour wavelength as my parents, and I totally am. A little concerning.

    6. I have been FAR too slow in re-decorating my house and think the quicker I do it, the quicker my inner sanity will be restored.

    7. All of my clothes are now starting to get tighter and tighter, oweing to my hip problems which stop me from exercising. I am stuck in a dark circle of seriously low body image and inability to do anything about it.

    8. Some people have had a horrible Christmas, and I should be grateful for what I have.

    … I wish we were all in one big room now, with alcohol and beanbags and hugs. I feel all reflective and since I’m the only one in the office today, I have nobody to share it with.

  116. This is the first holiday season home after I realized I’m a huge closet case. I don’t know why playing rugby didn’t clue me in… Being home with the family has been GREEEEAAAAT. Every other thing one of them says is a gay rugby joke and though I know they’re innocent, they don’t know just how close to home the comments are hitting. I got to hang out with my enormous Irish Catholic family for about four days straight -does Christmas never end?! Needless to say I CANNOT WAIT for next semester starts so I can go back to school and gay it up.

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