Hark the heraldsomething whatever it’s almost time to open presents!
Aside from those presents and this tasty bloody mary, I think open threads are hands down the best part of any nationally recognized holiday AMIRITE HELLO OF COURSE I AM. And if we’ve learned anything from last year’s Christmakwanzakah Open Thread, it’s that our families are all crazy / AMAZING literally and that for every traumatic event you tell us about, be it hilarious or otherwise, there’ll be at least 20 perfectly delivered reply comments to help take the edge off.
Not all of you / us are celebrating a holiday this weekend, but because Autostraddle is based in America and in America ALL THINGS ARE CHRISTIAN UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE, chances are, unless you’re living on a secluded compound out in the woods (fuck we are so jealous), you’re at least celebrating a day off from work.
Seems like just about every member of Team AS has gone home for the holidays, except for CEO of Ideas Riese and Executive of Emails Laneia. This has the potential to be depressing, so the onus is on you to keep them entertained and happy. Talking about yourself in the third person is weird you guys. Look I think Riese will like this, probably you too:
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What about you hm? What’s up with you these days. What new experiences and life lessons will you be bringing to this year’s celebration. Did you bring your girlfriend home to meet the family? Let us know how that goes. Last year, Managing Editor of Feelings Sarah P*lmer introduced us all to Beerio Kart. That’s the gift that keeps on giving, really.
Here are some other ways we’ve tried to make the season merry and bright for you:
+ Lessons Learned: How a Jewy Lesbian Can Enjoy a Pleasant Chanukah with Her Uncharacteristically Bigoted Parents
(This is relevant even if you aren’t a Jewy Lesbian.)
+ 16 Holiday Songs That Don’t Suck
+ A Very Special Holiday Drinking Guide
Also even though Riese hates this as much as she hates Love Actually, Laneia will never not love it, which is how you can tell us apart when you’re blindfolded:
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Happy Holidays! Let’s talk shit about your uncle!
No one is behaving this Christmas, so I’m marinading the cornish hens in whiskey.
SUCK IT.
fuck !–be right over…can I bring anything?
more whiskey.
you got it Bri—
(backing the truck up now…)
I’ve felt this for a long time, and now seems as good a time to say it as any:
I really like the way you type. It’s idiosyncratic and neat.
That’s very sweet of you–thanks so much !
Merry Christmas kiwi <3
This is always the answer.
I’m glad this thread is here!
My mom just informed me that we are going to church in less than an hour.
I can’t remember the last time I went to church, and I’ve been having some problems with Christianity in general lately (obvs), but this is not the church we used to go to and it has a little rainbow flag on that little message board thing they have outside, and I’m pretty sure the thing we’re going to will be short and in English.
Meanwhile I am watching the final broadway performance of RENT on my computer, because that takes place around Christmas so it is perfect.
I have to be ready to go to church in a half hour.
me too. my dad told me i have to go looking “like [i] fucking want to be there”. i just find it pointless, as i know what happens already in the christmas play (spoiler: baby jesus gets borned)
Something about church always makes me sneeze. Maybe it’s the lasers shooting from my Catholic Grandmother’s eyes, burning holes in my dress pants. But the no-skirts thing is technically her fault, because last Easter she made me hop a hedge in a pencil skirt and I flashed a delighted family in a minivan. Moral of the story: Pants are good.
This just made my freaking day! haha
OH MY GOD, HE DOES?
You just ruined the ENTIRE PLAY for me. So, you know. Thanks for that.
You think that’s bad…my dad is the pastor, so I *have* to be in church with bells on. I don’t know these congregation members, but I have to put on a smile while they say, “Oh, you’re Pastor [So-and-So’s] daughter!” I have 3 graduate degrees from an Ivy League school, but that’s not as important as where I’m now [not] going to church. Oh, and the kicker: I can’t even have a drink to relax, ‘cuz my parents denomination forbids drinking liquor.
*huggles*
–the feeling of blowing off church and drinking Pinot Grigio instead
I feel your pain. I’m trying to find a way to convince my parents that I went alone or am going alone tomorrow.
My mom’s baking a birthday cake for me and my dad (his birthday’s tonight and mine was the 22nd), and my dad’s teaching me how to cheat at blackjack. Later we’re going to watch Shaun of the Dead. Good times, but I kind of wish I were playing Beerio Kart.
How do you cheat at Blackjack? Seriously.
Marking cards! It’s good for playing with friends or family but I wouldn’t recommend it for actual money, because your friends and family will hate you forever and casinos will probably break your legs. He also taught me how to count cards properly, but apparently that’s not really cheating.
Home alone for xmas. L word marathon!!!
me too ! i just did my laundry but the dryer didn’t dry it all the way and now i’m out of quarters
now that you mentioned it, i should probably do laundry too.
i’d give you quarters if i could but we’re 6 hours away by car (LA-oakland)
Which episode should i watch? Which one(s) is/are your fave riese?
oh, i meant “me too” about being home alone on christmas. have you seen it before? or are you just asking for my favorite episodes?
[the feeling of being an l word scholar?]
Yep, ive seen the l word before. Just asking which are your fave eps, you know, you being the l word scholar and all that :)
Just watched the episode where the gang scatters dana’s ashes and carmen said yes to shane’s proposal. Refuse to watch the next episode, i cant handle shane leaving carmen at the altar T_T
Which episode should i re-watch next?
OMG THAT IS THE WORST EPISODE OF ALL THE EPISODES
i need to take a shot brb
Watch season 4 episode 4, “Layup.” It’s the episode when they play basketball. I had the most obnoxious laugh during it.
I guess by the fourth season a lot of the actors were able to go off script, so the stuff that you watch in that scene is basically them being hilarious.
The scene when Leisha Hailey made that shot, that’s actually her reaction. I think… Okay, well that’s official, I’m watching that episode.
…
Riese, help?
– i really like anything from season one pretty much, especially the first and last episodes
– from season 2 i like 210 (cruise) and 211 (pride) and the finale when shane & carmen reunite and jenny has a breakdown and there is lots of shennylove
-season 3 was dumb except the episode where shane fucked cherie jaffe with a strap-on by the pool which was maybe like 307? or something.
– season 4 was a ridiculous excuse for a television program starring probably everyone who lived in vancouver, because they introduced like 56 new characters. i liked 404 ‘layup’ though.
– season 5 was pretty solid all the way through, espesh 505 (party ep), 509 (blackout episode), 510 (cancer bike ride episode)
-season 6 was an unfortunate experience from start to finish but the dance-off episode was good, 607
I couldn’t ever actually watch season six to the end. My desire to keep going fades out at episode three. I decided just reading your recaps was probably more entertaining and an automatic win (zing!!!!)for my sanity.
I have three episodes left in season six, and I can’t watch more than 7 minutes per day without wanting to stick forks in my eyes, but I feel like I might as well finish the whole series since I’ve come this far.
I just watched the first 3 episodes of L Word Season One. Marina is the devil.
Me too! i got Season 1 for xmas!
the hi-light of my day so far: crawling into the shower to nap and hide for a while.
hey, what alcohol is in eggnog? i think thats the only way i can sneak alcohol this year, unless my parents get drunk first…
either whiskey or rum
laneia, you are my christmas angel
oh my god thats fucking brilliant. i NEVER get away with napping at home. e, you’re a genius.
just sleep with your head to the water handles, because if not, you’ll get a wet wakeup call and not the good kind
oh good call, you’re clearly a pro. the other day my hot water bottle burst when i was having a nap and it was burny and awful so a little wary of any possibility of nap/water mixing atm.
My dad found some eggnog with brandy, rum, and whiskey. I don’t know where he gets that stuff, but it’s AMAZING.
Eggnog martini
1 Oz vodka
1 Oz Ameretto
1 Oz Eggnog
just saying…
:)
Don’t you love enforced gender conformity? I know I do. I also love hearing that my jeans make my butt look saggy and that I need to wear a nice SKIRT, dammit, in front of my grandparents.
And I miss my girlfriend.
Gender conformity is the best. Nothing quite like it. We were on the subject of baby rearing today, and my mother says ‘You know, after your sister I was totally prepared to have a girl or a boy, but never a girl who acted like a boy!’ Love you too mother.
god knows, “you’re a young lady, you should dress like one” has become the mantra of all the women in my family.
moral: shaving your head to a hawk for christmas is not the brightest idea but it certainly gives them something to talk about.
Oh man, love this.
I think next time I’m coerced into attending mass, I’m definitely showing up in a nice pencil skirt, crisp white collared button down shirt, and a bright purple hawk.
My sister just called to ask me to go to church with her. I told her I couldn’t since I left my only dress at the dry cleaners…in 1979…
are you referring to your baptism dress? adorbs!
I’d have to say that this holiday was the most interesting seeing as though we celebrated yesterday cuz we all work today and tomorrow but I think its was all worth it….me and the siblings dipped out on the family went to the bar bought each other a few rounds of drinks and somehow those rounds of drinks turned into getting a few rounds of lap dances…..so yup that’s what I got for Xmas
My sister: “[The dog’s] head smells like Chinese food. I’m serious. Smell it. It smells like goddamn moo goo gai pan.”
–This Christmas.
I’m home alone this year, not even seeing family (we’re having a family reunion on new years instead). So I’m getting drunk and watching Dr. Who.
I went on my yearly church visit today and I spent all of mass thinking about how Doctor Who was similar to Jesus, coming to earth to save us from evil
my christmas present to all of you is me and my brother’s live action commentary while listening to the new Girl Talk album. oh wait i’m the only one who gets to enjoy that. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME
Not. Fair. You are such a tease.
god wasteunit, it’s like you’re channeling my high school prom date. i will get you a boutonniere for christmas don’t worry.
Emmmm…..my ordinarily homophobic mother pretty much just came out to me, no word of a lie! We were having a heart to heart about the fact that i’m a gaybian and it all just came out (literally)….most unexpected Christmas surprise ever, how odd!! Everyone grab a beer/Skittle flavoured vodka/cider and have we’ll have a toast, sure why not! :-D
Wait, so your mum just came out to you as gay too? Wow, what a surprise! Woo toasts to you :D
WHOA tell us more please wtf
I want the rest of this story!! Sounds better than A Christmas Carol
Well she was collecting me from town as I had gone to do some shopping but I accidentally ended up in the pub so as a result of my drunkness we got to talking about gayness and I was saying how much I love it and how much I love the ladies and she was like “Well I can understand how you can like women like that…” so I was naturally confused and asked her to explain and she said “I agree that women are fantastic, I can see how you would fall in love with one and do you know my friend (such and such)….well I really like her….no I REALLY like her, I wish I got to spend more time with her, and im really close to her, more so than to any man I know, I think im like you (aka a gaybian)….” etc Flipping mental, I didnt know what to say but it certainly explains a lot as regards the homophobia etc. It’s a Christmas miracle! :-D
WELCOME TO GAY MOM CLUB
we are out of toasters
The gay mom club is awesome. We have vegan gluten-free rainbow cake.
I’m visiting my gay mom club over New Years: My partner has 5 moms. SO MANY PRESENTS!
um my mother bought a white gold necklace for her neighbor/best lady friend and then hid it from my father…
what does this mean you guys??
She wants to have sex with me.
Pretty sure most people wanna have sex with you…
that is kind of awesome. it wouldn’t surprise me at ALL if my mom is gay. doubt she’ll ever come out though…
That is amazing !
(is she single?—I’m trying to get my Mom a girlfriend…)
Can your mum do long distance, haha, messing! That’s savage though, imagine if we could set our mums up via the magic of Autostraddle, best Christmas ever! :-D
OMG–freakin international incident of the best / gayest /most maternal….I can’t even…..just…..
For that date (your Mum and my Mom)–I would totally buy a flip camera and put that shit on youtube.
It’s Christmas Day here. I’ve decided to stay in bed until the clock reaches an hour where it’s considered acceptable to drink vodka.
It’s 5 o’clock somewhere! Even if that somewhere is in the past.
I misread that at first as “It’s 5 o’clock everywhere!” and I was all “Well, ok… what is a time, anyway, but numbers we made up? Surely limiting your drinking based on the position of the Earth’s axis is an archaic tradition, right?”
That right there is some wise philosophy!
This is my favorite.
9am? Off you go. :-D
It’s 7:56 AM. too soon, yeah?
i’m not judging you
It is NEVER too soon, and who are we to judge anyway! If you have to go to mass/church like here then id actually expect you to be drunk already, how else would it be any fun!
It’s 5pm in Detroit according to http://timeanddate.com/worldclock/
I’m actually really sad that I don’t get to spend Christmas with my family because they’re incredibly awesome. :( My whole family did Christmas at my uncle’s place in Mississippi this year (which isn’t as bad as it sounds because my uncle has a freaking compound on the Gulf Coast) and I keep getting wistful at their Facebook updates! (Also at the video my mom sent of my baby cousin throwing a ball for my mom’s dog. Hilarious.)
Instead I had pancakes with my girlfriend’s sister and now I’m going to Christmas lunch at a friends’ place. Better than my girlfriend’s family who lives here… O_O
So weird to read “Mississippi” on here.
I’m from Mississippi, and it IS as bad as it sounds.
What part are you from?
Because I’ve spent countless summers working at my grandparents store near Corinth in the northern part of the state, and it fucking SUCKS. The only thing good about the whole state is fried catfish.
Is it bad when the only good thing about a state is fried fish? :(
Columbus.
Corinth isn’t far from me.
I think I’ll disagree about the catfish and argue that there is nothing good about the state.
:(
This year I’ve given up on looking anything close to a girl. I’ll be looking extra fly wearing the entire express mens section. I’ll also be closing my eyes so I dont have to see my moms “What did you do with my daughter” expression as I walk out of my room.
Now where’s my fifth?
This is funny just because I am imagining Oprah saying this. It’s trippy.
Hahah I get that response from my mama all the time. She also doesn’t like the boxers/short hair I rock. Gotta love the holidays. Cheers.
I don’t really celebrate Christmas (grew up in a different culture) but I am spending it with my boyfriend’s family – which in Australia (And amongst non-religious types) really means chilling out and eating. Which is pretty much what I was raised with anyway.
What I am looking forward to though is tomorrow – possible sexytimes with an older kinkier experienced woman who for some reason has taken a shine to me. Apparently she adores a challenge and wants to give this inexperienced younger n00b (who hasn’t even slept with a woman yet) some creative pleasure. aslk;djadljfej;rvfjakdsa BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVAR.
Saw the cutest girl-girl couple holding hands with their groceries in the parking lot. This alone made up for it being another Christmas in the closet with my large, half-Catholic Texas side of the family.
Christmas this year will suck because my cousin died and so every time we get together all we do is cry.
*hugs* Thanksgiving is becoming like that for me.
i know the feeling x100
brother: what kind of beer do you want?
me: leffe blonde
dad: so what did ya get?
me: a belgian blonde, even though really i prefer brunettes *WINK*
*CRICKET NOISES*
*SUBJECT CHANGE*
my family wishes i liked boys.
I don’t get why my brother can make a tame joke and I can’t. I’m out to my family, I’m not being crude, and what I say is occasionally hilarious (usually inadvertantly).
It’s like going back into the closet everytime I go home (getting unbearable, though I KNOW I should be grateful to have a home, a loving family, and all the other blessings in my life *counts them twice*).
*toasts eh*
I just got back from Christmas lunch with my dysfunctional southern extended family. Consisted of my senile grandma yelling at my fat grandpa, and cooking a duck and turkey and never cutting either of them because she forgot.
AND MY ADORBS LITTLE COUSIN WHO IS SO CUTE EEEE. He was wearing green corduroys overalls you guys. It was so damn cute.
But yeah, my grandpa would just wander off while my grandma was yelling at him, and my grandma kept coming up and looking at my ears and then walking away.
Here’s to adorable little kids running around! Yay for babies! (and toddlers and 5-year olds who are “big girls and very good” -my niece)
That and seeing my 95-year old Gram are the best parts of the holiday visit so far.
Corduroy overalls! Too cute. :)
I’m guessing the corduroy overalls are on the kids. But I just pictured them on a grandma. 100 points gramfindor.
I bet my Gram would wear corduroy. She’s a happening chick.
I actually think my grandma owns a corduroy jacket. It’s lime green.
My mom is in the shower and my grandma is alternately falling asleep to/nodding along with The Con which is playing from my computer. I’m hungry! Oh, mom’s calling.
RIGHT OK I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BORING TONIGHT BUT APPARENTLY NOT! MOM JUST GOT A FACEBOOK MESSAGE FROM HER LONG LOST SISTER SHE HASNT SEEN OR SPOKEN TO SINCE SHE WAS FIVE YEARS OLD WOOOooOooOoooo
It’s not christmas where I am yet, but my family isn’t very good at secrecy… so I’m already wearing the absolutely awesome hat my sister got me. It makes me very happy.
I have just been forced to stop chatting to my brother and go to bed early (half 10) and have to type realllly quietly because my dad’s room (dysfunctional parents) is next to mine and he ‘wakes up every time i move’ and wants to go to sleep. Really want to point out that thats defo not true given how I used to sneak out the house almost every night for about a year and he never once woke up but i sense learning that probs wouldn’t make him more reasonable. urghhhhhhh.
I’m alone in my apartment watching “Verminators” and suffering through a hangover that’s lasted nearly 2 days.
They caught a skunk and released it into “the wild” / “its natural habitat.” Which is, y’know, directly beside a parking lot.
if i was less sober, i would be watching ghost adventures, instead i’m going to church, booo
verminators liveblog pls
Alas, the episode is over, but I’ll see if I can find a few on demand.
You guys…it is ALL about River Monsters. Best show on television.
THIS IS COMPLETELY TRUE it was all that got me through the dinah liveblog in march. i wish i could find the link to prove that but wine.
what the fuck is verminators? wtfwtf?
I fucking hate this half-closet thing. My mom has explained to me that I am, in fact not gay, and has forbidden me to come out to anyone else, which I ignored in my social life, but kind of have to obey as far as family goes. It’s a good thing the rest of my life is really freaking amazing right now.
urgh that sucks. drink beer in the shower? also, i like your tumblr! (sorry to be creepy)
Thanks, I try. Not creepy at all; Tumblr’s totally public so it’d be a little weird of me to find it creepy that you read mine. ( -:
How did everyone miss the part where Riese & Laneia blindfold us?
Just sayin’.
DRINKING $130 BOURBON LIKE IT’S SOMETHING TO DO
(gift from my money-earning brother to my dad. i’m normally not lucky enough to be so fancy.) IT IS SMOOTH YOU GUYS.
WHAT BRAND? I need you to be more specific so I can be more jealous…
woodford reserve master’s collection.
–
it is possibly worth noting here that laneia thinks woodford reserve tastes like nipples. so maybe this bottle tastes like $130 nipples.
or maybe $130 SMOOTH nipples?
JEALOUS. I do not think Woodford Reserve tastes like nipples. NOT THAT THERE WOULD BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I am currently drinking my Mom’s Coors Light so you win this round.
i’m going to be honest with you, i don’t know how to feel about this.
bcw, you know how i love a good whiskey. BUT NIPPLEWHISKEY? i just really don’t know.
You guys, there’s no traffic in LA
#justsayin #homealoneforxmas
Not possible.
Clearly you are lost and in the wrong city.
merry merry autostraddlers!!
can everyone please watch this okay.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqMzCj7p23c
I couldn’t even make it to the halfway mark.
made it to 0:52
OMGZZ <3
now you’ve made me watch that video twice, expect coal in your stocking
15 seconds of my life I will never forgive you for.
what is wrong with you people that shit is hilarious
–
I RUN THE MILITARY IF YOU WANT THAT BEEF
I just watched it because of that quote…..
If you bring me ice cream, i will forgive you.
My family is odd.
My Dad just told everyone that we’re going to hell because no one wants to go to the Christmas Eve service this year but HE WAS JOKING. We’re not going to church (last year we got drunk before church, this year we’re just not going) but no one in my family believes in hell so it is OKAY.
My Mom’s just BOILED about 300 dimes that she got from the bank because she wants to make snacks and play Rummoli for money but only if the dimes have been boiled before we touch them.
My Dad told my older brother and I not to get him anything for Christmas and that we could just wrap things he already owns and pretend that those are our gifts to him WTF. We refused because that is weird and makes no sense, so he is wrapping them himself right now to open up tomorrow morning I REALLY DO NOT GET IT. We already got him Canucks vs. Flames hockey tickets which is not the same thing as giving him something he already owns.
My friend Josh gets off work in a few hours and is planning to come over to steal Queer as Folk from me, upon hearing this my Dad asked if the writing is good because he is looking for a new show to watch, but I told him just to stick to the West Wing because I don’t think he would really get how much Brian loves Justin and it would upset me if he watched the show and didn’t get how much Brian loves Justin YOU KNOW.
Anyway, I have to go spike the egg nog. My little brother is already stoned.
Ding ding ding ThIS!
NO NO NO, watch it with your dad! I’m not saying it will be easy, or a superfun time, but you will make memories to last a lifetime. Even better if you can rope your friend into watching, too.
How could anyone NOT get Brian/Justin, anyway? Your dad would melt like Frosty, I am so sure!
Your family should adopt me, or I can just adopt your entire family.
wrapping things he already owns as gifts? this is a strangely fantastic idea.
No one can miss how much Brian loves Justin! Especially at the end of season 1/beginning of season 2.
Actually, Brian loves everyone. That’s the show is soooo good.
I meant to say why, “that’s why the show is sooooo good.” Sorry, I’m on my second round of afternoon beers.
You’re right, in S2 when Brian has his arms out on Liberty Ave. while Justin walks, by himself through the crowd, towards Brian and into Brian’s safe arms, that is something amazing. My Dad would get that, you’re right.
I love my family, but I want to spend time with yours.
That’s okay, right?
It is. Come on over, everyone. My Dog is really cute.
I can’t say anything, I wrapped everything my mom brought in the house. She bought a purse, I wrapped it before she could use it!
She bought shoes for work, I wrapped em!
She got a ladder, I tried to wrap it, but eventually gave up.
Merry Christmas?
i’m so glad that this open thread community exists. home with my family for the holidays, the whole christmas eve church experience is getting harder to do every year. glad you all are here for me to commiserate with and know i’m not alone in my feelings
Agreed. I freaking love you guys. I don’t know how I survived before Autostraddle.
this–exactly.
Thank you.
This. I love this so much you don’t even know.
this was the great coming out christmas here in southeast texas…by which i mean i told my mom i have a girlfriend, she said “okay” and then we continued to bicker about unrelated useless nonsense. i suppose that’s a pretty good response.
things that are getting me through:
– skype
– last.fm [bikini kill station]
– Sam Adams Winter Lager
– crafty crafts — i’m making the gf a stuffed dragon for christmas. also, i candied my own ginger. word.
Candying ones own ginger sounds like a euphemism.
Mmm…gingers.
I’ll candy your ginger…
“candied my own ginger”–is that what we’re calling it now?
just ate some veggie sushi that i picked up at the nearest chinese restaurant since, once again, despite the bounty of food laid out, no one cared to accommodate the only vegan (me).
actual quote “well, it’s only chicken stock in the soup, that’s not actual meat”. sigh.
have now made up a fictional errand so that i can have a smoke before returning to the family fest.
and beer. i must locate beer.
I’ve cooked 4 out of the 6 dishes my parents, my brother and I are enjoying this evening. I feel proud of myself! Rosemary-mushroom-apple bread stuffing, eggplant gratin, sweet potato-pecan casserole and molten chocolate cake are all on the menu tonight. Of course they’re all vegetarian (the other 2 are meat, which I refuse to touch), so you’re all welcome to enjoy <3 (sorry vegans, I think they all have dairy in them though :[ )
That sounds delicious. Vegetarian too, but spending the holidays with my half-Catholic (Dad) and half-Evangelical (mom) family=not a barrel of laughs.
Luckily, it is a barrel of wine.
i just got yelled at for resting a slightly floured sieve in a bowl previously meant for beating egg whites, big whoop! so this is what it’s like to not be at work..
He said it was a Christmas miracle: the second elevator was fixed! No more waiting 15 minutes or climbing 8 flights of stairs. But when I got in it this afternoon, it got stuck on the 7th floor, doors half-open and groaning. The miracle was short-lived, apparently.
While baking Christmas cookies with my mom I asked her what she would change about me if she could change one thing..
…drumroll…i was expecting her to say “i’d have you be straight”
but instead she said “I wish you were on time for something just ONCE in your LIFE”
we’ve made progress!!
and I said “If i could change one thing about you, it would be your tendency to clear my plate before i’m done eating because i’m a slow eater and you know that”
p.s. we lost a lot of our christmas cookie cut outs so this year we are having cookies shaped like pumpkins, dreidels, easter bunnies, apples, ghosts, and stars.
You’ve got some totally festive cookies: star of Bethlehem, ghost of Christmas Past/Present/Future, apples are awesome, “Jesus was a Dreidel Spinner,” and Santa Claus hangs out with the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin in the off-season.
It’s totally good. My friends and I make traditional Christmas whales with purple frosting. Baby Jesus came to save the whales, you guys.
Me and my straight guyfriend made rainbow velociraptor cookies. Also:
“Santa hates smokers!!!” – my mother, loud enough for the whole Damn neighborhood to hear while I was having my post-church breathing treatment on the porch.
Also, went baked to church. Giggled every time they said “baby Jesus,” and the kid in front of me cried every time I looked at him.
My mother got me two watches for Christmas. Her exact words were “this is not a subtle hint, please be on time for something between now and next Christmas.” Oh.
Haha! My mom doesn’t even bother wasting money on watches because she knows I won’t wear them. Best part is, I took a hormone levels test and my cortisol levels came back backwards…which essentially means I’m actually nocturnal. So there ya go.
When I told her about how our Xmas 09 made the listling, my mom said a mention on Autostraddle was her favorite part of Christmas so far. Granted that was 11 o’clock this morning, but I’ll take it.
Very merry to everyone celebrating, Bon weekend to everyone who isn’t. Hopes for a peaceful holiday for everyone who can have one and a boozy one for everyone who needs it!
I’ve realized that Christmas is only magical for starry eyed children. I’ve been thinking of the girl who has my heart this Christmas, and I gave up drinking. That’s left me alone with all my thoughts while my family is watching Christmas movies without me because I have to make Christmas cookies and they’re making my gifts. Damn.
Omygod You guys im ready to stab my eyes out church is the worst
DON’T DO IT! You’ll never be able to look at boobies again if you go all stabby on your eye parts.
I MADE IT. I FOUND A GIRL I GRADUATED WITH AND STARTED TALKING/FLIRTING. now where’s my eggnog?
My mom is making boiled custard (I’m so excited for this, it’s one of the reasons I love living in the South). I have seen my nieces for the first time in a year which made me very happy. Notable moment: when I asked the three year old what she wanted to be when she grew up her answer was, “There’s plenty of time.” The cuteness cannot be described. I’ve had a glass of wine, my sister gave me a rainbow colored whisk, and snow is happening tomorrow. Christmas is good. I send every one who is having a not so good Christmas virtual boiled custard infused with rum!
“Boiled Custard” please explain the meaning/appeal of this strange combination of words.
It’s this amazing Southern drink that’s incredibly rich and creamy drink that has a similar consistency to eggnog but is better. It’s literally custard (a rich sort of pudding) you can drink. Adding alcohol makes it better. It’s made of milk, egg yolks, sugar, and vanilla which comes together to make deliciousness. Unfortunately, you can’t find it in any stores anymore, so you have to make it yourself.
oh my goodness that sounds amazingly delicious
It’s like an orgasm in your mouth. So much better than egg nog. We are currently considering making into ice cream which my dad has apparently had before. He described it as “better than sex.” I’m looking forward to it.
That’s what I like to refer to as a ‘flavourgasm’.
Can’t. Stop. Crying. What the hell is wrong with me?
I bought my family scratch off lotto tickets for Christmas and was reflecting on how this made me the best daughter/granddaughter ever when I realized that my dad used to do that every year, and this is the second Christmas since he died.
I shouldn’t be this upset! Someone make me laugh, I have to go to church in half an hour and it’ll be less shit if I’m not bored AND crying.
you guys there is no alcohol in this house THERE IS NO ALCOHOL IN THIS HOUSE
GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE!!
taht will be my day tomorrow. no booze and 4 hyper children. . . UGH!
Guys, I have just had my first wassail. I wanted that Christmas song in my stomach and whoo, it is potent. I feel dinner went by more smoothly because of it.
Wassail wassail all over the village, wassail wassail all over the town! Our toast it is white and our ale it is brown.
I am now alone in the house for the night, so I am going to sit around in my wassail-drunkenness and underwear and watch stuff on Netflix instant watch. Wish you were here!
I’m at work. where my ex is also working. with her new boyfriend. and the customers suck.
also, i’m the asshole who made my mom cry when she called to see why i wasn’t at her house yet and we realized this miscommunication about my days off means there is no christmas for me this year.
also, i have no alcohol at work. and nothing to smoke.
You guys: I FAIL AT CHRISTMAS.
jenin, if I had your cell phone number–I would totally text you holiday porn.
(a fabulous gift I received last year in the middle of Christmas Eve service, from a friend not in my same time zone)
I’m afraid that not even holiday porn will lift my spirits, but you’re welcome to try. email me at jenin82 at gmail dot com, if you wish.
not even the ultimate of ultimates… holiday nsfw at work??
holiday hugs lady I hope things are better. <3
OMG, you actually did send me porn! <3
!
come on baby—tou shouldn’t be alone at Christmas….
(insert smartypants hug here)
now it’s 0545 and I have tofinish puuting together a bike for the boy….Merry Christmas jenin–
No, I’m not drunk–just without my glasses/contacts !
You aren’t the only one having a un-christmasy-christmas… I have super-failed at Christmas this year.
I have completed family duties and had planned a lovely “friends and girlfriend” xmas dinner…only to have my heart ripped out last week and then be ditched by EVERYONE…
Luckily there is an abundance of beer, fairy lights and the knowledge that my roomie will be home soon so we can be drink and be merry! woo!!
Am spending the holidays in family exile for the first time after coming out as trans a few months back. Was initially relieved to miss out on all the racist jokes & awkwardness, but now my girlfriend’s gone to Albuquerque & I’m contemplating a Casual Encounters kind of Christmas. It’s not a good look. All I wanna do is watch Love Actually & paint my toenails silver & wrestle with somebody.
did you guys know that chocolate scrabble is a thing
can you eat this? would it go well with wassail? do high letter scores taste better?
inquiring minds need to know.
“do high letter scores taste better?”
Love.
you can eat the letters! and the only thing better than the sweet taste of victory is when that victory tastes like chocolate.
if i could “like” this, i would. but i’m just going to go ahead and like it anyway.
I can imagine myself being all cookie monstor-ish playing that game..
Yesssss! V-A-G-I-N-A. 15 points! NOM NOM NOM NOM. Yummy! I WIN!
Chocolate clue = also a thing. And chocolate Trivial Pursuit. Fuck I love Laura Secords.
this was my first christmas home as an out lady. and nobody cares! life is good. my “alternative lifestyle” haircut got quite a few stares in this small town, though!
My mom’s given me a bit of grief over the hair (though I don’t really have to deal with her much until tomorrow), but it’ll grow out while I’m being a lazy fuck and not getting it cut for another several months anyway.
Christmas is going….hesitantly well so far. My mom was all angry-face all morning because she scrubbed the entire house while I was at work in order to show my dad that “We’re doing just FINE without him!” Thank goodness I got some Christmas rum from my bestie for when my dad visits tomorrow. :]
Best christmas moment so far, my grandfather talking about his drinking days. How he started drinking at 8(in 1948), he quit drinking in 2005. Really hard drinker for five decades and when the doctors did a scan of his liver it didn´t have any sign he ever drank anything stronger then apple juice.
He saved so many people at sea that he doesnt remember them all.
He´s a fucking legend
Can I adopt your grandfather?
watching Whip It on HBO instead of It’s a Wonderful Life. perks of coming home for Christmas: my parents have the good channels.
watching it too (for the third time today). each time it makes me love ellen page even more!
I decided to be proactive after last year’s christmas and received best present ever: My Santa Doctor just refilled my xanax. So now I won’t remember this christmas much which will be a total win.
i think i just poured myself a little too much wine, but then, how much is too much for the holidays?
There is no such thing as too much wine during the holidays
If you wake up and it’s already 2011 ??
It was too much-
Agreed.
Today, after going to a friend’s I walked to the park, where I spent about 45 minutes sitting and deciphering my feelings into a semi-coherent story, with Sufjan Stevens’ “Vesuvius” as my roadside buddy. I only wish my food tasted less like plastic.
We had some minor seismic activity and everyone got nervous and left early. So now it’s just me and my parents cleaning up and drinking Pistachio-flavored coquito (to calm our nerves!!). I’m not complaining. If not for this we would be at the point where I’m asked when I’m bringing home a boyfriend (“or girlfriend, whatever you want”).
i have been drinking coquito all night, it’s great.
Today I had my mom read the article by DeAnne Smith because it’s hilarious and my mom and I both share a fear of spiders…she thought it was so funny she snorted a little and then told me about how she thinks that she has been watching the gay channel on tv a lot recently because she keeps seeing RuPaul. Then she did a shot with me out of a shot glass that says “Instant Lesbian: Just Add Alcohol”
PLUS she let me take a picture of this happening…
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
I have decided to start a new tradition: RENT every christmas eve at exactly 9 pm Eastern Standard Time. Win.
I watched it earlier today. not at 9 pm eastern standard time though.
I have to call my father this evening for the first time in the four months I’ve been in the Philippines. I’m praying The Gay Thing doesn’t come up. I just. It’s Christmas. I don’t wanna come out on Christmas. His wife’s mom is pretty much dying of like three different cancers and yeah. But he’s too unpredictable on the phone. It could come up.
Also all my family is 8,000 miles away and even though I have a host family here, that makes me sad.
/feelings
super long distance internet *hugs* Last year at this time i was trying to avoid coming out to my sister and brother-in-law (who is studying to be a southern baptist pastor. . . yeah) I was able to wait until January 2nd, so it didn’t screw up Christmas! Hooray! Now if only I could magically make them more ok with my fiancee so she could home with me, life would be great!
Oh, ALSO FUN? Watching my host family tease my clearly-gay-but-can’t-talk-about-it-because-this-is-the-Philippines host sister about how they’re going to get her a skirt for Christmas. And not being able to say anything because I can’t be out either.
(I mean like I say things like, “Oh, but it’s so cute!” when they tease her for her short hair (anyway, it is), and things like, “She should wear the clothes that make her happy.” But it doesn’t feel like enough when all I wanna do is take her and be like, “I UNDERSTAND LET’S BE GAY TOGETHER IT’S OKAY.”)
Good times!
Give that girl some Autostraddle ! —always the right color, size and fit–
(in a lovely holiday card of course-)
Christmas is already here in NZ. AND I CAN’T STOP SNEEZING, WTF. This is irritating.
I’m currently experiencing my Christmas downtime — my older siblings are at their respective partners’ parents’ houses. We’ll do presents and stuff when they get back in a couple of hours, excite!
I love Christmas — it’s pretty chillin’ at my house.
Good luck (& booze!) to those of you who need it, and goodwill etc. to all!
Root beer schapps exists, and it is amazing.
Also STEVEN STOP READING BLOGS I READ AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH COMMENTER I AM ALREADY JESUS GODDAMN CHRIST
Merry Christmas, y’all.
Unlike most others in southern California, I wish it was still raining. That way I could pretend it was snow.
I wish my Christmas was filled with as much emotions as you guys.
My Christmas so far, was spent
almost falling asleep in church with
a lighted candle.
Shoveling snow at eight PM? (For those of you who don’t have snow, I should send you pictures.)
Future Christmas plans is to
learn HTML and CSS for the hell of it,
and to eat lots, and lots of
sweet potatoes.
ah yes sooo many feelings!
my younger bro came across the country from good ol’ san fran and i’m realizing this may be my family’s last christmas together for several years (if i go abroad). this makes me so sad! why? i don’t even really like spending much time with them! which makes me even more upset because i feel like i should and am just a horrible daughter… but i just get grumpy at them/myself and ruin christmas! i don’t wanna ruin our last one together for a while! how do i be happy? helpppp me autopals!
that sounded like a dear abby
too much wine tonight?
i am falling apart
whyamithegrinchbahumbug
okayforwardslashfeelings
Things discussed at my “family” Christmas Eve party:
porn, green doors, swingers clubs
tai chi, cookies, preachers,
the production of markers.
Then, we read allowed the constitution.
We also sang carols.
Funny, My parents were just talking about how they went to see Behind the Green Door and left because they were bored.
My mom was like, all they do is have sex! There was no climax!
Who says that? and about a porno movie? I told her had she stuck it out I’m sure there would have been a climax.
My uncle, a minister kept insisting that references to green doors were about Swingers clubs, and pornos.
My dad (a professor) and I (a queer teacher) argued that they were a song in the 50’s later covered by the cramps.
My other uncle (a mechanic/artist) setteled the arguement with his wife (a librarian)’s iPhone googling.
WE WERE ALL RIGHT. WHA-BAM!
Also, if you don’t climax, the terrorists win!
WEEDS FTW
WEEDS
also we are now watching White Christmas and Mom is celebrating no DADT and how all these soldiers, surely were gay, Danny Kaye at least!
We made fun of white christmas.
ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS.
I’m going to a punk show at 7.
yeeesss, we made fun of White Christmas too and I was totally thinking about the DADT/gay soldiers/Danny Kaye thing. all “Those soldiers worked really hard on that choreography for weeks”
DADT: Let’s just say we’re doing it for an old pal in the army.
Hehe…..Old pals in the army….hehehehehe.
Red wine and poker faces.
Coming out as gay and a Fem Studies major wouldn’t be the best Christmas present.
I’m thinking Spring Break?
its weird cause you’re like, I don’t see my parents all that often, I should inform them on these lifestyle changes, but I don’t want these things to be like negative gifts or whatever, you know? I need to find another occasion to possibly ruin their happy little mind’s view of me!
I never said I was taking the most courageous route.
It is weird! I am out to basically everyone else, just not the family.
Family is tricky.
Yeah I tried to come out during Thanksgiving this past year. After tears and comparing me to a serial killer. It was such a scarring event I am even more in the closet now than I was before.
…They compared you to a serial killer??
I said that I liked girls then they were like “what is the next thing you are going to be telling us that you are a serial killer”
So needless to say I am just not bring up my romantic life EVER again at home.
my brother just told my parents he wasn’t catholic. it was awesome.
I wish I had the guts to do the same.
Today I told my Hispanic and extremely Catholic family that I’m an atheist. There were lots of tears and screaming and alcohol. Now I’m sitting on a trampoline drinking cheap wine and listening to Tegan and Sara. I’ve gotta say, this is the best Christmas yet!
Awesome! I don’t believe in any religions or gods either. Coming to this conclusion has been like a coming out of sorts. Theism/religiousness are as ingrained in our culture as compulsory heterosexuality and gender conformity, and as I have been able to break through the prescribed mumbo jumbo, new vistas have opened up.
I can’t even say I’m an atheist. I mean, look at a deer. It doesn’t believe in god, but is it an “atheist?” I’m like that deer.
I still haven’t told my parents that I’m agnostic/atheist, somehow that conversation is even more stressful than the ‘i’m not going to marry a guy and give you grandkids’ conversation.
One time, I told Facebook that I was agnostic. After the slew of disappointed/angry/heartbroken e-mails that spawned, I can’t even imagine what’ll happen when I come out to my dad.
It’s not easy but once you do it you’re no longer forced to go to church on holidays. Awkward for awhile but my super catholic family got over it… or tolerate it.. I’m not sure which.
Okay I just got home from work, what did I miss? Is everybody drunk? Who is working tomorrow? Please go to your local drugstore tomorrow and buy all that shit that the cashier tries to sell you at the counter. We can’t accept tips but we will get a shiny nickel.
Sitting at home along with a bottle of wine while I pack, take off in the morning to join the family for another xmas in the closet. coming out at xmas just seems like an asshole move, especially since it’s been a rough year for my family. I think they’d be ok with it if i did pull myself out of the closet but it ain’t happening this weekend. at least there will be plenty of alcohol!
i forgot to share this with you guys but i think it is really important: i made out with natalie portman last night [in a dream, minor detail]! it was awesome and we talked too about a lot of stuff and had great chemistry. merry christmas to me! [/i don’t know how i ever woke up this morning]
Man, I wish MY subconscious would let me do that.
Learn to lucid dream!
I’ve never been able to lucid dream properly. If I become aware that I’m dreaming, nightmarish things start happening and all the creepy ghosts convince me that I’ve trapped myself in my subconscious forever and I’ll never escape. :(
It might be worth trying again if it meant Natalie Portman makeouts, though.
Or if it meant I could explore the Parisian scene with Ellen Page as she does her little Architect thing.
in my dream last night adam lambert was my boyfriend, and he was the only person in the whole dream (which included various girlfriends and also mean people or my friends being mean) who was nice to me. He was wearing big tall boots and I said ‘aren’t you glad that i’m so tall for a girl?’ and he lifted me in the air
this is a WIN
My best friend had a dream that I started working out and posted pictures of my biceps on Facebook… he was angry at me, but I was so proud.
so far we went to Christmas Eve church service where everyone kept hugging me because I’ve been away for 2 years. then we came home and watched Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps and I almost said out loud that I thought Carey Mulligan was hot and that Shia’s kinda cute too (love his outfits in this movie) even though I’m totally gay I can tell he’s attractive…but I can’t say things like that in front of my parents because it will give my mom hope that maybe I’m not fully gay and it’s just a phase, so yeah.
at least my brother cannot stop cracking gay jokes so that is making it interesting (he’s just lightly teasing me, not being malicious since I just came out to him recently). yesterday he told me for Christmas he bought me all the Timberlands they had at the store since he didn’t know my size was. (he thinks it’s a stereotype that lesbians wear Timberland boots). good times.
I love you all.
Love you too
<3
For some reason I was actually looking forward to eve/day this year… well at least eve (since it doesn’t involved extended family) and then it comes along and sure enough everyone is yelling, the sister is sick and grandma lays her guilt trip on us all. To top it off I couldn’t drink because I was driving my sick sister! FUCK! Phew it felt good to get that out.
Tomorrow I’m sticking close to the bottle of polish vodka with a name I can’t even pronounce.
It’s becoming more and more clear to me that the family I thought I came out to two years ago doesn’t know that I’m gay.
Are you me? I came out to my mother a year ago and she seemed totally cool with it, but I just figured out that she’s actually totally oblivious.
Here bes the deal at my family Christ-mess Eve Celebration
My mom makes 3 games. At work.
Game #1: A series of short answer questions
Example:Where are you when you catch Mommy kissing Santa Claus?
Answer: Guantanamo Bay
Difficulty Level: 3/10
My Score: 2/10 (No points for jack assery – otherwise would’ve won.)
Game #2: Outdated Multiple Choice Quiz about Christmas movies
Difficulty Level 10/10
My Score: 2/10
Actually the shittiest game in the world. If you were born after 1970.
Game #3: Puzzle of “The Night Before Christmas” Line by Line
(we think that might be the only reason my Mom had her assistant working this week)
Difficulty Level: 0/10 (smart phones = looking up the book and ending up being in a race of who could find what first)
Our score: 1st mo-fucka
The best part? My mom wrapped up 15 mini bottles of Canadian Club and Tequila Rose, and if you said you won something, then you got one.
I’m saving my tequila for awkwards lesbo-convos with Grandma tomorrow.
I did a combined christmas/thanksgiving time with family already. Usually my mom tells me I’m either too fat or too skinny… this time she just said I look too much like a boy.
Anyway my original plan to celebrate tomorrow morning was to wake up my roommates while already drunk and my second iteration was just to do a “power day” instead of a “power hour”.
Too bad I already drank my booze. I wonder if any liquor stores are gonna be open tomorrow…
raise your hand if you got a shakeweight.
I can’t raise my hand because it’s busy holding a shake weight.
comment award, laura
i got one last year.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYmnP7VOyo4
That is my only thought about shake weights.
um, no shakeweight, but there were many shakeweight-inspired sexual jokes and gestures.
shakeweight conversations led to me realizing that there should be an “as seen in a mall kiosk” webstore, instead of an “as seen on tv” store. dead sea minerals! perfume! cell phones! cell phone cases! on every page: videos that play REALLY LOUD that cannot be stopped or muted, compliments that aren’t compliments and numerous pop-up ploys to keep you from leaving pages. discounts depend on how many clicks or time spent on the site.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SOMEBODY GET RICH.
i’m just saying the tricep workout is pretty good. I love working out my triceps by far my fave muscle group. k. thanks.
You know you’re gsy when you have a “fave muscle group”–
I possibly should have put my other comment in here but whatevskys its all cool, I love you guys though I’m not sure I feel you all know me as well as I feel I know you all it will all eventually even out, I’m still a bit shy and all that. you know. can I just say that after dealing with my family its super nice to come back here and see you all and be like, damn to have this community on my back on this holiday is just so damn cosy in this way is just so nice. its like hot cocoa pine smell fire warmth nice. I would cuddle yall if I could.
as I said in that other comment I’m on a lil island in sweden with my fam in the freezing land with more than a meter of snow and like no plumbing and so much glögg (mulled wine) with vodka and cookies and lussekatt (saffron buns) delicious! I am full of delicious food. and drank. I love everyone. also if you are having notsogoodtimes let me know I don’t mind I want to share my cosy times with you!
I love this community too
I HAD GLOG FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR and sweet jesus was i hung over at work the next day. i also love everyone but that was my immediate thought. merry christmas <3 <3 <3
I’m thinking it might be a bad thing that it’s Christmas eve and tomorrow i’m going home to be around my homophobic brother in law and sister who kept their kids from me for 8 months after i came out of the closet and i’m feeling totally fucking crazy and like i have no self control over what’s going to come out of my mouth. ironically i’m glad there won’t be booze tomorrow. I don’t need anything to lower my inhibitions than they already seem to be. ugh. fucking up this christmas would be horrid. the first one without my gramma. ugh.
“will you tell dad you opened the rum ? I wont get presents if he thinks its me ” a text I just sent my sister
You can tell him it was me. In fact, that’s a good chance that it was me.
Now I’m watching Bridalplasty. Do you guys know about this show? This is the worst thing. I seriously can’t handle it. It’s about women competing for plastic surgery so they can be perfect brides.
Also, my roommate just gave me a Shake Weight for Christmas.
is that for real? it sounds so stepford wives!
http://www.eonline.com/on/shows/bridalplasty/index.html
this makes me want to make sad, disgusted faces.
every time I hear about this show, I want to scream/cry/vomit/run. it’s a real thing that someone decided would be a good idea to produce. you’d probably have more fun staring at any surrounding walls. maybe. I don’t know for sure, but I have a feeling…
This show is on the air and Firefly was cancelled.
I know they’re from different companies, etc. whatever.
“That just don’t make no kind of sense.”
BROWNCOATS UNITE!
*shiny* :)
No power in the ‘Verse can stop us.
the boy scouts ran out of trees so we couldn’t steal one last night, so my best friend’s mom made one out of a spider lamp and random decorations. it’s pretty beautiful.
her grandfather gave us each a beanie baby with our presents, and he gave me the UNICORN because I’m GAY.
i also got a sweatshirt with a christmas kitten on it, and i yelled “YES” with visceral happiness.
I got a button from one of my friends in Canada that says “i’m the rainbow sheep of the family” it made me super excited.
i read this while laughing at a button i found on the table next to me, which has a seal on it, and says “THE SEAL OF APPROVAL”.
so if someone reads this while thinking of seals… it’ll be just like one of those novels where everything is completely and oddly connected… so, just like life.
I’m missing my long distance not-quite girlfriend. I also managed to end up getting suckered into buying all of the gifts for my dad from my mom. Does that make sense? I don’t even know. *facepalm*
Good news is!!! Caramilk liquor.
I do this every year except in reverse, because my father means well, but is challenged in the appropriate gift-buying department. so to answer your question, yes, it does make sense.
had a great dinner. drank a lot of wine and ate 4/7 fishes. clams, muscles, shrimp, lobster. I love italian christmas. I wish I was out to my grandmother.sometimes. I mean she is 94.. I’m so thankful to get to spend another christmas with her. I just get antsy when she says I should find a nice boy and that he should take care of me… usually when this happens I just drink more wine. ok time for a scotch. CHEERS!
My father had 8 vodka and tonics tonight, and my mother gave me a snuggie. Plus I showed some of my paintings to my extended family and they all seemed genuinely impressed, so Chtistmas Eve has been successful.
In the morning my parents my dog and I will open presents and then head over to my grandpa’s house to spend the day with the other side of the family, which always has the potential to be a shitshow…
And Merry Christmas/Happy Chinese Food and Movies Day!
actual conversation i had recently-
person: i wonder what jewish people even do on christmas…
me: they go to the movies and eat chinese food.
person: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA that would be so funny
me: no really though, a lot of jews go to the movies and eat chinese food. common knowledge. fact.
person: stop fucking with me. ha, ha, funny. you’re funny.
me: WHEN HAVE I EVER FUCKED WITH ANYONE REGARDING FACTS
and for about a week i was like “fuck, what if by some strange chance, only the jewish people I know go to the movies and eat chinese food on christmas?!”
but i’ve heard it mentioned a few times today so phew.
I have made plans with my Jewish best friend to go eat chinese food and watch movies with her family next Christmas if my family doesn’t stop being repressive and weird. Three cheers for found family!
I keep forgetting and remembering and then forgetting again that it’s Christmas, which means the rest of the world shuts down because they are not actually Jewish.
I drank mango tequilla with my dad and wtched casino royale. Best xmas eve ever! Now to brace for the crazy family tomorrow.
Started pouring alcohol into coffee. Kept refilling it with booze and not coffee… I think I now just have a cup of liquor.
Shit. I’ve turned into my mom.
So, I feel like sharing my Xmas eve because it’s been ridiculous so far. Here’s why.
– forced to go to church (pretty standard but still lame)
– was trapped in a stairwell and had to talk to ‘sunday school’ teacher guy who once pseudo-kidnapped me to inform me about the consequences of being gay and warn me of the ‘gay agenda’….kinda Awkward, just sayin’
– number of cans of wine (no, really) I was given by a stranger? 2. Sketchy.
– racist/sexist/homophobic remarks from my grandfather at dinner? Over 35. This also corresponds to the number of facepalms/choking on food/etc
– somehow I also got punched in the face, by my brother, by accident. It was very three stooges .
So… that was neat.
they make wine in cans? where can i find some cans of wine
didn’t It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia start the wine in a can phenomenon? Also, on a side note…if you live in NorCal you can find some at Raley’s or Safeway. They’re pretty epic.
I think you’re right, I seem to remember it on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia!
I always thought cans of wine were the mythical unicorns of alcoholic beverages…so I don’t actually know where you find them.
I get my canned wine from strangers, apparently.
My mom and I had a major gender-policing issue as I was getting ready for mass tonight. Long story short, she ended up yelling “DO YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A BOY!? HELP ME UNDERSTAND!” She really wasn’t all that understanding, trust me. In the end I had to wear a goddamn red dress. Before walking out the door she made me put on lipgloss. When she asked if I liked it, I said “it tastes good.”
Hours pass, I have quite a few glasses of wine. We’re opening presents. I get a ton of super fancy make-up, but not the snowboarding pants I wanted. I (regretfully) start tearing-up and tell her that she doesn’t get me. We cry and yell, and she goes to bed and I clean up the cheese dips.
This usually happens where we’ll be going to like a movie and then a casual dinner with my parents’ best friends…I’ll have a cute plaid button down and jeans and some oxfords, and my mom is like: “you’re NOT wearing jeans” and I’m just like “why can’t you let me wear what makes me comfortable as long as I’m not dressed like a hooker”…inevitably several people WILL be wearing jeans and it doesn’t even matter. Today she didn’t mind my outfit though, AND she even got me jeggings as a Christmas present! I didn’t even ask for them but damn if they are not awesome. I might wear them to church tomorrow, I don’t know yet…
yeah, church within 2 days of each other. admittedly I had some catching up to do. but I don’t mind, it’s only like an hour and a half and it makes my parents really happy.
I think that Chinese food+movies is a pretty widely practiced Christmas tradition for all the Jews I know.
this is fact and tradition.
I’ve had a rough night. It started with my dad taking me outside to find out why I broke up with my gf. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it with him or anyone.he got mad and stormed off and left.
Later on, my grandfather started choking.cousins tried cpr. It didn’t work. He turned blue. Several minutes went and no breathing.finally paramedics came. No breathing yet. He was taken to hospital. He’s still unconscious. Was On a respirator, but breathing on his own now. Food in his lungs. But I think he might be ok….not sure.
I’ve been having connection issues all night and have been trying to vent since my spat with my dad. Blegh.
Oh wow, honey. You deserve ALL THE CHRISTMAS HUGS.
*all the Christmas hugs*
Thanks, I appreciate it.
My grandfather eventually passed away this morning at about 4:45am.
I spent my early morning in the hospital and then went to my grandma’s house. I finally got home and would like to shower and sleep, but my siblings and their families will be here any minute to do our xmas celebration.
Oh honey, that’s so hard. Here is my whole heart, positive vibes, and all the Christmas hugs to you and your family.
*HUGS* *BIG WARM AWESOME GAY HUGS* I’m so sorry.
Also: Every member of my family received a shake weight for Christmas. Ugh.
so i went to church. and decided i never need to go back to my parents’ church ever again. all my friends from there are married. and there are babies. remind me not to go to my high school reunion next year.
but i did see a contingent of baby gays in the youth choir which i was very excited about! (my church is actually quite cool and accepting and i basically grew up there, i’m just over that phase of my life/this city/the midwest)
well the internet is misteriously out in my house so i’m reading these and writing this in the dark on my cell phone! thank god for internet on phones. went to church this evening and sang in the choir and showed off my crazy gay haircut and no nosy old ladies said anything to me about it! then i went to an annual gathering with family friends where everyone LOVED my new hair (all shaved except bangs) and talked about im so excited to have kids one day and no one said “uh but how are you gonna go about that you big gaywad” (i should really give these people more credit!). anyway, this christmas i’m thankful for anti-depressants, my family, autostraddle open threads and internet on my phone. lots of love for alllll of youuu! xox
My mom’s had three allergic reactions to alcohol but continues to drink it, my dad’s wearing a knee-length gold puffer jacket, and I accidentally threw the cat across the kitchen today, but we have gifts, pizza, and donuts so it’s all good! :D
Except they still think I’m straight but telling them I’m not would be like the most awkward/disappointing gift in the history of my family, so that’s gonna wait until spring break.
YOU GUYS! I FOUND THE KEY TO HAPPINESS!!!
http://www.youtube.com/user/meowychristmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6UWR0kSFcE&feature=related its old but i like it, i don’t care what this says about me.
haha charlie’s gay uncle?
i love how the top suggestion when watching that is by CBS on a “Unicorn Spotted in New York” which is actually just a white deer…
i think maybe the westboro baptist church is right about us because i think i might be in hell right now
no riese, no. you are a magical heaven unicorn who deserves all the good things but is denied because of assholes like the westborobaptist church. you will inherit the angels who sing or something like that, right now you can just have my heart, and this half carton of eggnog
i could go for a shake weight, even
Um, I got a vintage skinny tie AND a sweet mother-of-pearl inlay tie clip from my girlfriend’s 80-year-old grandma for Christmas. I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE DEEPLY UNDERSTOOD OR FULLY ACCEPTED IN MY LIFE.
The only problem is, now I kinda have a crush on the grandma.
I’m jealous. One of the stocking fillers my parents got me were lace knickers which boast the fact that they will show no VPL. I don’t own any trousers which would show VPL.
Having an appreciation for the older women is never problematic.
jesus. my mind went some to some horrific places before i figured out what VPL stood for.
why is there even an acronym for that?
i mean: WITEAAFT?
If it makes you feel better I just looked up WITEAAFT on urban dictionary, and when it wasn’t defined I was very confused. Christ I’m thick.
um, so, the fam was watching the Jim Carrey version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, & hey did yall ever notice, THE GRINCH WAS RAISED BY LESBIANS??
well, my 3rd white russian & i did, & i yelled our discovery at the tv, & my entire family gave me a look. OOPS.
I haven’t seen that movie since I was in middle school but yeah, I remember that. It was kind of the only thing about that movie I liked. <3
I tried to tell my mom this and she said “Stop looking at the world through lesbian glasses. Almost no one is actually gay.”
haha. is your mom my mom?
lesbian glasses? wait, I didn’t get my pair. do I have to pass a test first or something?
Yes, it’s a grueling ordeal. There are quizzes. And an alligator.
Is this alligator Tegan and Sara related or am I think too much/little?
I had to pick a scary animal, so I picked alligator because of Tegan and Sara. So sort of, yeah.
Ok. Sounds like I need a tutor. Anybody have services available?
Crap, does this mean I might have straight glasses by accident?
THEY WOKE ME UP AT 6:30. THE SUN WAS STILL ON THE OTHER FUCKING SIDE OF THE WORLD.
it sucks that you had to get up this early, but i love the way you phrased that, so 10 points.
(for hufflepuff)
do you see this Emily? maybe not, because you’re away from civilization. this is still for you. Merry Christmas.
HEY. I am a Ravenclaw to the bone.
my b. stupid typos.
My granddad just started a sentence by saying ‘one of the things that Hitler said in Mein Kampf that I really agreed with was…’ His other favourite topics of discussion are: 1) why immigrants are ruining our country, 2) why my education is useless and 3) why homosexuals are perverse and wrong.
I am currently hiding in my room with the alcohol. Please send help.
Now THAT’S what you call a conversation starter. What would help consist of? Good vibes is all I’m good for unfortunately.
More alcohol would be useful, but good vibes are always welcome.
just reading this gave me anxiety. i’m so sorry. i hope it’s over soon. maybe we can get an AS SWAT team together. anybody interested?
To be entirely fair to him I am doing a degree in philosophy…
this year I asked santa for America to go to the metric system. IT JUST MAKES SENSE.
holy shit do not EVEN get me started on this–I don’t –I CAN’T–JUST STOP WITH THIS CRAZY TALK
agreed. I like to transfer the temperature on bank signs to Celsius for fun. it’s currently about -12.
that is so bitchin !
it’s a lot easier when it’s cold out though. :P cause i can go “oh, ti’s 25. well, in celsius, 32 is 0, so it’s 32-25. ok (oh, damn, i suck at math in my head. it’s actually -3, not -12. lol)”
lol—no worries, I can barely make change !
mimosasmimosasmimosasmimosas since 9am i’m on #5 BEST CHRISTMAS TRADITION EVAAAAAAHHHH
It’s Christmas. I am at the soon-to-be-ex-in-laws house. But, I got to sleep in until noon because we’re not doing presents until tomorrow (which my STBX-MIL will only refer to as Boxing Day — go Canadians).
Oh, the stories I could tell about time spent at this house. Like, the fact that one of the dogs is wearing a ski cap because he has an abscess in his ear and she won’t take him back to the vet because she thinks this will work just as well.
Now, sad stuff. My STBX-MIL has cancer/is getting chemo’ed. So, instead of telling her that we’re splitting up, my STB-ex-husband wants to fake the happy holidays and tell them later. Can we say yay? When all I really want to do is announce at dinner that I finally figured out I’m gay and I’m really sorry for the inconvenience but I still love them all and will be around because we have an amazing son together. And my STBX-hubs is a great guy and father… he’s just… well, a guy.
Okay! Time to go drink some more. Homemade hot buttered rum… mmmmm…
Guys it’s time to wake up and don your gay apparel.
I wore Doc Martens and a blazer for the Catholic Italian side of my family. Booyah.
It’s kind of late here, can I just take my pants off and go to sleep?
Absolutely. I already did, and it’s barely noon where I am.
My mom apparently donned gay apparel? She’s been wearing black cargo pants to all our Christmas functions with a rugged turtleneck. Also her purse has a carabiner.
It’s weird when my (allegedly straight) mom sets off my gaydar. Is it horrible to say that I’ve been expecting her to come out for years?
You know that L-Word ep where they try to “gay test” Lara in her restaurant? I need that at Christmas dinner now.
My girlfriend and I are spending Christmas with seven gay boys.
Also present:
– Glee Soundtrack Vol.4
– 5 Christmas trees
– Bacardi, Absolut, E&J, Starbucks Liqueur, Jose Cuervo, Stella Artois, and misc. Chilean wines
– numerous requests to touch my boobs
– promiscuous dancing
– Golf – the card game
– 4 a.m. pizza
– allocating turkey baster contents & surrogacy planning
– gf refusing to wake up for work at 5 a.m.
Traditionally absent:
– blood relatives
– Christmas dinner for 9
– church
– sobriety
Now we’re just afraid we will run out of beverages today as the liquor stores aren’t open…
Can I please be you for a day?
Can I touch your boobs too?
Waiting for the Christmas biscuts to be done so we can watch Inception. :] Got videogames and boots for Cmas, total dyke workboots and murder and blood and car racing video games. I just now realized how gay I am.
Mom tried to sneak in a purse into the gifts, but I found the gift receipt, ha.
Money from aunties is buying alcohol tonight, but they dont know it.
Luckily for me no “why are you gay” comments, but I miss my girlfriend who had to work.
I love this thread, its so long and funny. Merry Christmas!
My ten year old sister got two movies for Christmas: Grease and Jurassic Park III. We watched Grease and she could not have cared less. But, oh man, Jurassic Park III has her undivided attention.
WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY? I’m beginning to think she’s the (insert modern equivalent of milkman)’s or something. Because for reals, who the hell doesn’t like Grease?! I don’t care how old you are. There is no excuse.
Yes, but it’s fucking awesome that she loves Jurassic Park.
My aunt got me The Kids Are All Right, which, you know, is a pretty cool present.
um, I’m jealous.
Pretty sure my sister’s boyfriend outed me over forced cookie decorating last night. My dad just looked at him, at me with my “too short, why did you cut it so short, it looked nice when it was longer” haircut and then at the rainbow I was creating on a cookie with frosting. Also, I have no money to buy a plane ticket home :(
Giant, pink, floral, fuzzy bathrobe with mother-of-pearl buttons and a book on how to “be French” by someone named mimi with little poodles sketched all over the cover. Have these people ever met me? Or is their Christmas wish simply that I never get laid again?
Dude, i’ll take the book if you really don’t want it! I’ll trade you the lifetime supply of socks I received for it!
omg. i live in chicago. i would/will totally take that trade. but, seriously, fair warning, i’m pretty girly and i still can’t handle the pink/poodles.
unofficial autostraddle gift swap. ftw!
sitting alone in sweats with the balcony door wide open ’cause i’m smoking and alternating between drinking baileys and a wine/apple/cinnamon/OJ concoction.
also a knights tale was on tv and the blacksmith lady is cat!! from lip service. amazing.
I absolutely LOVE watching a knight’s tale on cable tv once a year or so.
Now i also remembered Heath Ledger is dead. If it weren’t for a second season of Lip Service, Christmas would be RUINED!
i got a nook :) and my period :( merry christmas/happy saturday to everyone. now i shall be setting this crap up whilst watching mel gibson run around in a kilt (SERIOUSLY, WHY IS BRAVEHEART ALWAYS ON, AND WHY DOES MY FATHER NEED TO WATCH IT EVERY TIME?)
My bodies christmas eve present to itself was the most killer cramps ever :(
Parents christmas presents to me involved a steampunkish pocketwatch, a pin-up girl calendar (which I had already begged for), and like… 6 collections of HP Lovecraft.
Christmas was fabulous. Continuing with L Word marathon now.
anyone want to take the cramps away?