Christmakwanzakah Open Thread: For All Your Homo-Holiday Feelings

Hark the heraldsomething whatever it’s almost time to open presents!

Aside from those presents and this tasty bloody mary, I think open threads are hands down the best part of any nationally recognized holiday AMIRITE HELLO OF COURSE I AM. And if we’ve learned anything from last year’s Christmakwanzakah Open Thread, it’s that our families are all crazy / AMAZING literally and that for every traumatic event you tell us about, be it hilarious or otherwise, there’ll be at least 20 perfectly delivered reply comments to help take the edge off.

Not all of you / us are celebrating a holiday this weekend, but because Autostraddle is based in America and in America ALL THINGS ARE CHRISTIAN UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE, chances are, unless you’re living on a secluded compound out in the woods (fuck we are so jealous), you’re at least celebrating a day off from work.

Seems like just about every member of Team AS has gone home for the holidays, except for CEO of Ideas Riese and Executive of Emails Laneia. This has the potential to be depressing, so the onus is on you to keep them entertained and happy. Talking about yourself in the third person is weird you guys. Look I think Riese will like this, probably you too:


What about you hm? What’s up with you these days. What new experiences and life lessons will you be bringing to this year’s celebration. Did you bring your girlfriend home to meet the family? Let us know how that goes. Last year, Managing Editor of Feelings Sarah P*lmer introduced us all to Beerio Kart. That’s the gift that keeps on giving, really.

Here are some other ways we’ve tried to make the season merry and bright for you:

+ Lessons Learned: How a Jewy Lesbian Can Enjoy a Pleasant Chanukah with Her Uncharacteristically Bigoted Parents
(This is relevant even if you aren’t a Jewy Lesbian.)
+ 16 Holiday Songs That Don’t Suck
+ A Very Special Holiday Drinking Guide

Also even though Riese hates this as much as she hates Love Actually, Laneia will never not love it, which is how you can tell us apart when you’re blindfolded:


Happy Holidays! Let’s talk shit about your uncle!

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  1. My granddad just started a sentence by saying ‘one of the things that Hitler said in Mein Kampf that I really agreed with was…’ His other favourite topics of discussion are: 1) why immigrants are ruining our country, 2) why my education is useless and 3) why homosexuals are perverse and wrong.

    I am currently hiding in my room with the alcohol. Please send help.

  2. It’s Christmas. I am at the soon-to-be-ex-in-laws house. But, I got to sleep in until noon because we’re not doing presents until tomorrow (which my STBX-MIL will only refer to as Boxing Day — go Canadians).

    Oh, the stories I could tell about time spent at this house. Like, the fact that one of the dogs is wearing a ski cap because he has an abscess in his ear and she won’t take him back to the vet because she thinks this will work just as well.

    Now, sad stuff. My STBX-MIL has cancer/is getting chemo’ed. So, instead of telling her that we’re splitting up, my STB-ex-husband wants to fake the happy holidays and tell them later. Can we say yay? When all I really want to do is announce at dinner that I finally figured out I’m gay and I’m really sorry for the inconvenience but I still love them all and will be around because we have an amazing son together. And my STBX-hubs is a great guy and father… he’s just… well, a guy.

    Okay! Time to go drink some more. Homemade hot buttered rum… mmmmm…

  3. My girlfriend and I are spending Christmas with seven gay boys.

    Also present:

    – Glee Soundtrack Vol.4
    – 5 Christmas trees
    – Bacardi, Absolut, E&J, Starbucks Liqueur, Jose Cuervo, Stella Artois, and misc. Chilean wines
    – numerous requests to touch my boobs
    – promiscuous dancing
    – Golf – the card game
    – 4 a.m. pizza
    – allocating turkey baster contents & surrogacy planning
    – gf refusing to wake up for work at 5 a.m.

    Traditionally absent:

    – blood relatives
    – Christmas dinner for 9
    – church
    – sobriety

    Now we’re just afraid we will run out of beverages today as the liquor stores aren’t open…

  4. Waiting for the Christmas biscuts to be done so we can watch Inception. :] Got videogames and boots for Cmas, total dyke workboots and murder and blood and car racing video games. I just now realized how gay I am.

    Mom tried to sneak in a purse into the gifts, but I found the gift receipt, ha.

    Money from aunties is buying alcohol tonight, but they dont know it.

    Luckily for me no “why are you gay” comments, but I miss my girlfriend who had to work.

    I love this thread, its so long and funny. Merry Christmas!

  5. My ten year old sister got two movies for Christmas: Grease and Jurassic Park III. We watched Grease and she could not have cared less. But, oh man, Jurassic Park III has her undivided attention.

    WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY? I’m beginning to think she’s the (insert modern equivalent of milkman)’s or something. Because for reals, who the hell doesn’t like Grease?! I don’t care how old you are. There is no excuse.

  6. Pretty sure my sister’s boyfriend outed me over forced cookie decorating last night. My dad just looked at him, at me with my “too short, why did you cut it so short, it looked nice when it was longer” haircut and then at the rainbow I was creating on a cookie with frosting. Also, I have no money to buy a plane ticket home :(

  7. Giant, pink, floral, fuzzy bathrobe with mother-of-pearl buttons and a book on how to “be French” by someone named mimi with little poodles sketched all over the cover. Have these people ever met me? Or is their Christmas wish simply that I never get laid again?

  8. sitting alone in sweats with the balcony door wide open ’cause i’m smoking and alternating between drinking baileys and a wine/apple/cinnamon/OJ concoction.

    also a knights tale was on tv and the blacksmith lady is cat!! from lip service. amazing.

  9. i got a nook :) and my period :( merry christmas/happy saturday to everyone. now i shall be setting this crap up whilst watching mel gibson run around in a kilt (SERIOUSLY, WHY IS BRAVEHEART ALWAYS ON, AND WHY DOES MY FATHER NEED TO WATCH IT EVERY TIME?)

    • My bodies christmas eve present to itself was the most killer cramps ever :(
      Parents christmas presents to me involved a steampunkish pocketwatch, a pin-up girl calendar (which I had already begged for), and like… 6 collections of HP Lovecraft.

      Christmas was fabulous. Continuing with L Word marathon now.
      anyone want to take the cramps away?

      • I am right there with ya, girls. You know Christmas is going to be great when your last-minute shopping trip involves buying tampons.

        I have to be nice to relatives I only see once a year, when all I want is to take some Tylenol PM and curl up with a heating pad.

  10. My mom was helping me put away some of my presents when she started looking at the new converse I got, not really understanding the appeal. I went on for like, 15 minutes about how awesome and comfortable and versatile they are, till she interrupted me with, “yeah, but they’re kind of lesbian shoes…”

    She doesn’t know about my ladylovin’ ways. It was incredibly difficult to maintain a straight face as I collected my goods and left the room.

  11. So my dad’s coming over in a few minutes. I’ve taken a few precautionary shots of my rum Christmas present from friends but I can tell it’s going to be awkward. I haven’t seen the guy in around 4 months and we never really had much of a relationship to start with. He and my mom separated 6 months ago because she caught him cheating and my mom’s planning on bringing up divorce papers tonight (because it’s hard to get a hold of him otherwise). Good thing I have sexytimes with my girlfriend to look forward to afterwards. I was having such a good day but I have a feeling that that’s going to go downhill fast. :[

  12. I got drunk and ruined Christmas Eve with radical feminism.

    My family is Greek. Greek women don’t like eastern european women because they’re coming to Greece and marrying old greek dudes for money, and the old greek dudes are leaving their greek wives for them.

    I pointed out that they should blame the men not the women, and that the poor eastern european girls probably didn’t want to marry old greek dudes (old greek guys are hairy and sexist and awful) and clearly shit must be bad for them to do so.

    Then my mom was like, they have no morals, they’re selling their bodies.

    And I said anyone would sell their bodies if they needed to for survival.

    My mom said she wouldn’t.

    And I said she would and I would if it was the only way to survive, and blaming poor young girls was a reflection of a misogynistic society that forces women to trade their bodies as commodities and then demonizes them for it.

    Then my dad jumped in a said he didn’t want to talk about his daughter becoming a whore.

    Things went downhill from there.

    You are lucky not to be Greek.

    On the bright side, I came out to my sister and she took it very well.

  13. I was at my brother’s house yesterday, and they had a card under the tree addressed to me + my gf. Pretty sure my dad (who doesn’t know I’m a gay yet…) saw it before I frantically hid it/had a heart attack. He hasn’t said anything yet. Ugh.

    At least there was wine last night. No alcohol in the house I’m in today. Suckkkks.

  14. My 3 brothers gave me the Tegan and Sara vinyl box set for Christmas heck yeah. My Mom gave my 20 year old brother about 50 ping pong balls FOR BEER PONG specifically. And my 16 year old brother’s English teacher told his class that if 10+ kids take pictures on Christmas day of them and their siblings in a homemade fort he will buy the class pizza so now we’re making my older brother put on a monkey costume and are doing that.

    Also, I just got this text from my [in the closet] gay bff “fuck Christmas. My parents are asking if I will ever give them a grandchild. I am so close to telling them that the current plan is for me to throw sperm at you and your future wife but that will just confuse them.”

  15. anyone else having the “we got a new bookshelf and are now trying to put it together” holiday blowout??

    dear good baby angel jesus christmas tree dreidel,

    please rush a six pack of corona…make it a case.

    disgruntled building things lesbian couple in the bronx

  16. My grandmother blames everything on the blacks, the gays, and the Jews, and I can’t take much more of her racist outbursts.

    I just want to cry because last Christmas I gave her my heart, and the next year she gave it away, and I just can’t handle it when said grandmother asks about said ex-girlfriend’s well-being.

    There’s not enough whisky in the world to deal with my emotions right now.

  17. Me: opening a present that turns out to be a voucher to go to an expensive hairdresser, ‘ooh yey I can get my hair cut like Tegan and Sara’
    Mum: like who? Who are Tegan and Sara?
    * Awkward silence*
    Me: um like Justin bieber?
    Mum: oh you mean like a lesbian? Why would you do that only lesbians and fat people get there hair cut like that!
    Me: it’s fashionable.

    My dad also made the comment, ‘ this coffee is gay’ after I made it incorrectly, le sigh.

    • I love this whole thread so much, because when you take everything together you have such a perfectperfectperfect mosaic of just humanity. Like this. Indian food and varicose veins.

      It’s all so prosaic that it’s looped around to poetic.

  18. The best part about Christmas this year was the star wars marathon on television yesterday and today. Oh, and the sorting hat that my brother bought for me. I keep putting it on drunk relatives heads and shouting obnoxiously what house they’d be in, hahah. Sigh.

  19. guys we listened to jay-z all day and i think we’re playing guitar hero as soon as my brother is done with the dishes. there was kind of an awkward moment when i tried to pass “bi’ off as a word in Scrabble and everyone uncomfortably wondered whether they should tell me it’s not real. but also guitar hero, so

  20. Christmas didn’t suck. i’m still kinda shocked. I got the Star Wars Trilogy, a pastry cutter, a calender from the place dad get’s his machinery fixed, 2 magazine subscriptions, a starbucks card, and lots of candy.

    there was no craziness, altough my 8 year old nephew kept on talking about coming to visit me and i know his parents won’t let him since my lady and I live together. UGH. He also told me to be sure to tell my dog superhero stories. :P and my niece made me a necklace that is awesome.

  21. i wish ALL OF YOU were here up in my crib with me and the wifey playing Def Jam Rap Star. fo realzzzzzzz rapping and drinking 24oz cans of PBR this is a hood queer hip hop holiday happening right before my eyes ladies.

    “dont wanna be a playa no more….”

    • okay so this is probably not really what you want but gives me a good excuse to share the absolute hilarity that is the blog “hyperbole and a half” if you haven’t seen it. her christmas post, like most others, is pure gold:

      i am beginning to think i post too many links but seriously that’s like the funniest thing in the world maybe and i feel it is a sin not to share. it’s christmas and i don’t want to sin on jesus’ bday. therefore, i have no other choice.

  22. I’m at a ridiculously enormous house in the suburbs of Dallas missing my girlfriend and drinking red wine like it’s my job. There’s a couple here who were introduced as “Ross and his…friend…” I’m trying to figure out a subtle way of saying the equivalent of “wink, wink, merry Christmas to the gays!” We’ll see how I do…

    • yeah, i love going to my girlfriends family things, because her uncle and his “friend” are always there. and at her graduation, her gramma told me that she was glad we had such a “special” friendship. hee hee.

  23. am i too late on this? last night we went to a church where the preacher said that just this year his friend was cured of aids when he professed his belief in god.

    today, my mum gave me a microdermabrasion face cleaning thing and called it a “toothbrush for my face.” my uncle’s girlfriend called it a vibrator and high-fived my mum.

  24. Fears over a blizzard hitting NY tomorrow = my family running around like chickens with our heads cut off loading the car and bidding rushed adieus to the family and tearing down 95 back to DC for 6 hours of in car family fun. By far the most interesting Christmas night in a while.

    On the bright side, there was a cute dykey couple at a rest stop in New Jersey and I had fun watching them until my sister made fun of them and rained on my lovely Christmas parade. Spoil sport.

    • I am in Arlington for the holidays. Today, escaped from the relatives’ house to battle the epic windstorm and hole up at Starbucks, then the library.

      So much for the snow. But I don’t think I could’ve handled being stuck in that house for another 24 hours.

      Thinking of going out later this week… any suggestions?

      • Ayyy Arlington represent. Well, for the nightlife you’re going to have tons o fun in Clarendon, pretty much the entire neighborhood is bars and a safe bet for dancing and drinks and such. Rock Bottom in Ballston has dollar beer nights on Wednesdays and it gets pretty full from what I’ve seen of the line outside. If you’re in the business for a gay bar, Phase 1 in DC is usually where it’s at for the lady queers. I don’t know if you’re into hockey, but the Caps are playing in the Winter Classic on New Years Day so you’d make lots of friends by showing up at like The Front Page Grill in Ballston or Summers in Courthouse/Clarendon.

        • Thanks! I should have been more specific… I did mean gay bars. I actually used to live in Arlington, but it was a few years ago and not when I was straight. :) I have a house near Shirlington (rented out right now), and I’m staying in Clarendon for the holidays so I’m really close to all the places you mentioned.

          Currently, I’m going to school in Small Midwest Town, USA. I would love nothing more than to be somewhere, surrounded by as many queers as possible! But I kinda don’t want to show up by myself someplace I’ve never been. Was thinking of going to Freddie’s in Crystal City. I know it’s more of a boy bar but at this point, I will take queer in any form I can get it.

  25. I survived, drank nearly 1.75L of Moscato by myself which enabled me to care less about my boring relatives and had my dad laughing at me asking if I was “high on wine.” All in all a tolerable xmas day. I’m shocked.

  26. Tv special about Justin Bieber on in the background while the entire family is getting ready for Christmas dinner…
    Mom: oh look! It’s someone else with your haircut!
    Me: **cue hysterical laughter**
    rest of the fam: …what’s so funny?

    On the bright side, that was the nicest comment I’ve gotten on my hair since I’ve been home. Needless to say, the alternative lifestyle cut isn’t going over so well with the fam…

  27. Christmas Eve:
    -6 shots of peach Bacardi
    -2 glasses of rum spiked egg nog
    -3 glasses of wine
    -drunk spades
    – Everyone got completely wasted including my 15 year old sister and 72 year old grandma
    – seeing/speaking to my mother for the first time since june
    – one dig at my (unconfirmed)sexuality (my brother calls me Ellen)
    – my cousin bought a Fushigi and we all drunkenly watched the instruction DVD for an hour before we realized it was just a plastic ball with a metal ball inside.

  28. Autostraddle has taught me that I am apparently half jewish on Christmas. By that I mean I watched movies for a good portion of the day. I probably would have had chinese food, but I’m too stingy/poor to order it.

  29. Tonight was the second conversation in the last few weeks that I’ve been asked when I’m gonna pop out some grandkids. Okay, they didn’t put it that way specifically, but whatever. Not to mention it was my other set of grandparents that brought the subject up this time. I’m only 20! Just because the rest of the people in my family got pregnant/married at a young age doesn’t mean I want to jump on that train. I’d appreciate if I could at least finish school first. Geez.

    Other than that awkward conversation, Christmas has been good. We got a white Christmas. In North Carolina. That shit doesn’t happen around here, y’all.

  30. All I’ve done all day is eat, take pictures with the new camera from my parents, and get hugged/be told I’m pretty by my nieces and nephews. All of whom are super adorbs, just fyi.

    My brother and I also performed a beautiful Horse With No Name/Our House/Last Christmas medley on guitars and vocals. SO FESTIVE. (Protip: neither of us play guitar. Or sing very well.)

    Then my dad made me a Jack & pepsi and we watched Barrett Jackson.

    My sister-in-law actually jumped and screamed when my mum and I told her we got her a ticket to go see Melissa Etheridge & Serena Ryder with us this spring, and the same sister-in-law (plus my brother and nieces) got me a tin full of guitar picks with Dolly Parton pictures all over them. THEY’RE PRETTY AMAZING, OKAY?

    It’s like living in a deep-fried rainbow full of kittens and ice cream and sparkly unicorns, you guys. EVERYTHING IS AMAZING, I LOVE EVERYONE, THERE IS SO MUCH FOOD HERE, THE END.

  31. “rolling down the street smokin indo sippin on gin and juice. laid back wit my mind on my money and my money on my mind”

    as u can tell wifey and i are still drinking 24oz PBR and rapping to def jam rap star.

    yeah hood lesbians…hmmm lemme see if i got something interesting to say…

    um nah we’re 7 years in the game w each other (me n wifey) so all the awkward and terrible lesbo xmas moments: we’ve already gone through them.

    moms wouldnt speak to her our first xmas and now they’re exchanging hugs and gifts.
    had to come out before that: done and done. mom doesn’t hate me anymore.

    umm yeah so it gets better kiddies if you’re honest and dont give a good god damn what people or your family think about you…

    eventually you too will get to just play wii with your woman after an awesome holiday. yeah yeaahhhhh

  32. well, before i could actually get my drunk on, my mom tried to pull a Ms. Cleo and tell me i was gonna become an alchoholic (you finish 1 bottle of wine and all of a sudden you’re in need of a visit from Dr. Drew).

    Then the-soon-to-be-former black sheep of the family shows up (im pretty sure im the next one) and awkward hugs+conversation+insults ensue.

    All i wanted was to get drunk, eat turkey, and play ps3, but no… thanks Santa, you douche. You’re on my naughty list now.

  33. so I’m in the process of discovering that copious amounts of water (nearly a gallon) has a similar disconcerting/vomity effect as alcohol, without the the pleasant feelings-dulling effect

  34. Direct quote from my cousin who has served two tours in the army: “I don’t think they should be lettin them gays in the military, or women either…pretty soon they’re all just gonna be wantin that equal opportunity bullshit just like them blacks, and then I’m supposed to be showerin with them.”

    I think I completely outted myself with my reaction. Oh well, Merry Christmas right?

  35. schedule of the christmas:

    10:30 – start drinking mimosas. eat 4 cinnamon rolls.
    12:00 – nap
    2:30 – aunt asks me if I “have a boyfriend”. I realize she has not yet been told of the 2yr+ girlfriend or the whole gay thing. oops! now is not the time.
    3:00 – start drinking at cousin’s with awkwardly extended family.
    3:00-6:00 – gin and tonic, jack and coke, beer from kegerator
    6:00 – everyone makes fun of me for mixing booze. “college student” they say. I cannot deny it.
    6:00 – lack of mixers. mash up a pear. add vodka. strain. best. idea. ever.
    6:30 – try with mango + tangerines. better idea.
    7:00 – gin and soda. too drunk to muddle.
    7:30 – hostess smokes her medical marijuana. dinner will be further delayed.
    8:00 – fall asleep on couch.
    9:30 – am finally home, tucked in bed. never ate dinner.
    2:43 – am suddenly sober, awake, and writing on autostraddle.

    Merry Christmas.

  36. Christmas morning text from uncle: “Hey Kait, you up yet? cuz I got Guinness draught so we can get wobbly christmas.”

    He then proceeded to give me a Guinness magnet bottle opener and a bottle opener ring, which I then used for ‘our’ case of Guinness.

  37. Christmas in Berlin:

    – wake up at 3:30, pop champagne while making quick preparations for my christmas dinner dish (shrimp fajitas- why not?)

    – arrive to christmas feast, bottle in hand (needed something to keep me warm on the ubahn)

    -delicious wine with dinner, ate myself into food coma
    dessert: a few joints, many screwdrivers and christmas “biscuits”

    -2:30 am: GAYHANE, a turkish-themed queer party. bum cigarettes off of FTM, bought drinks by random gay man that I (apparently) met some time ago. next, the infamous “roses” bar (one of david bowie’s old haunts, conveniently located next door). features include: fur-covered walls, (occasional animal print pattern) and classic gay jams. Met some friends and proceeded to drink for free.

    8:15 am- we decide to have a slumber party! stumbled out of the bar into the blinding daylight, get home and listen to b-side of mayer hawthorne before passing out in the same bed.

    I’d say it was certainly one for the record books

  38. No word of a lie my gran just took my dad hostage.

    I mean, why else would you hide someones car keys and gloves after they’ve driven you home to find the tele donkers you hid before christmas?

  39. So my Uncle D——‘s partner has children from when he was in denial and married to a woman, one of whom I refer to as my cousin B——-. He always brings whatever bland chick he’s dating to Christmas, but this year was…different.

    His new flame is tattooed, pierced, openly bisexual and very, very forward. Dude, I barely got my coat off and she was all up in my shit, like she could smell the homo on me. Two cigarette breaks with her later and she confessed she not only didn’t smoke, but was into girls, specifically me at the moment. I laughed and drank, drank more and laughed as she spewed filthy come-ons to me and talked about B——- like he wasn’t there, mentioning at least a dozen times that he’s very progressive and understands her “need” to be with women. Then, in front of my pseudo-cousin (who we must remember, boys and girls, is her boyfriend), she planted one on me, a long passionate Streetcar Named Desire kinda kiss. I fled, and ate dinner without looking at either of them at all.

    Somewhere between grabbing a roll and finishing my green beans it hit me: she’s smoking hot and for whatever reason she wants to tap it. It being me. If Baby Jesus wants to send me a bi cutie, who the fuck am I to reject this yummy gift on our Lord and Savior’s birthday? Sure, it’s been proven astronomically that he was born in April, but since this is the day the Christians picked so they could compete with Pagan Winter Solstice it totally counts. So while the rest of the fam scarfed dessert I went over to her and whispered “Wait 45 seconds and then come into the bathroom.”

    Why 45 seconds? I don’t know. But I felt pretty baller about it. Fleeing, ignoring, and then pursuing seems like the sexual equivalent of checking and then raising in poker.

    I had barely closed the door and sat down on the tub when she came in, wrapped both arms and one leg around me, and started what I still like to call “it.” Without turning this into a pulpy porno story, we spent about 20 minutes in the bathroom without pants before chatter outside the door sent us into a panic and we wrapped it up.

    The rest of the holiday was uneventful in comparison. I did put my number in her phone. She texted pleasantly nasty things to me, and stealthily grabbed my ass during our goodbye hug. I don’t know where this will go or if it was a one-time deal, and the boozy headache slipping over my frontal lobe means not much more pondering will happen tonight. But I would totally stuff her stocking again.

  40. I’m with my super Christian family who listen exclusively to Christian radio and send their daughter to a Christian dance studio and read Christian mysteries and celebrate Christmas as “Jesus’ birthday.”

    I’m out to my parents but not to my brother and his wife. My dad told me that my ex-boyfriends must’ve been sexually abusive to turn me gay and quoted statistics from a “how to minister to gays” conference I forgot he went to in ’07. He also told me NARTH was unbiased and I had to fill him in on George Rekers. We have hushed debates about my homogayness when everyone else is out of the room and he wants to have a discussion with me about “what the Bible says about homosexuality” but “now is not the time.” Good thing I’m prepared. I’m looking forward to that shit.

    At least my 4-year-old nephew has a sense of humor. In his Sunday school class they asked him what God wanted for Christmas and he said “gummy worms and a space ship.”

    I’d like a space ship to leave the Bible belt and go back to NYC and my lovely much-missed girlfriend, thanks.

  41. Fortunately i worked on christmas day, boxing day and now have two night shifts before my rostered days off. I’ve avoided as many mass family gatherings as possible since one aunt began calling me ‘Lebanese’. Obviously saying ‘lesbian or gay’ would be a bad influence on younger family members… (actual quote “she’s such a tomboy like you were… lets hope she doesn’t grow up to be lebanese” nice double whammy there; racist *and* homophobic.)

    Fortunately my Dad refuses to partake in Christmas, has renamed it as “non denominational public holiday general day off” and refuses to buy/receive gifts/attend family gatherings. this year he sent me text pics of the fish he caught and was bbq’ing for dinner. Random.

    Anyway, instead of dealing with my own family traumas i get to clean up other peoples, it’s strangely quite therapeutic (but also profoundly depressing. On a side note; try and avoid maiming yourselves these holidays people. And if it feels like a good idea after a six pack of beer… it probably isn’t…. oh, and no one likes a puncher. true story.)

  42. my christmas consisted of a christmas eve service in which i sat quietly, though screaming in my head, then taking turns reading the christmas story from my southern baptist stepgrandmother’s bible.

    on the way home, my sister mentioned dadt in which my stepbrother promptly started to laugh. “hahaha gays. they can’t be together.”

  43. Ya’ll, I got a serious christmas miracle yesterday. I’ve been gone from the community for a while cause a month ago my brother outed me, and my parents kicked me out. Yesterday, they let me come home. To stay. They’re making me go to therapy and shit, and I can’t see my gf, but- I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE I WON’T SLEEP AT THE PARK ANYMORE omg… I love you guys. And I’m back. I also seriously need someone to talk to. to anyone who’s interested.

  44. Well I survived both Parent Christmas and Grandparent/Extended Family Christmas, but now I have to go home, load up my truck, and move out of me and my girlfriend’s apartment so I can move back home with the ‘rents to finish college. Yay.

  45. Best quote of my christmas:

    the lead up story: so my younger sister is not homophobic in any sense of the word. Hell her husbands best friend is a gay man. But apparently she is incredibly antisantaphobic (not a word). While cleaning up dinner my girlfriend and I make a passing comment about how our children wont believe in Santa. My sister is not pleased with this. We discuss our many reasons: you’re lying to your children, we’ll explain santa the same way we describe jesus, its creepy to tell a child an old man comes in their house at night. She’s not buying our argument.

    End quote: (said loudly and in her my sister is a lunatic voice)
    “Jesus Christ you’re lesbos can’t you just make Santa a woman and celebrate that way!!”

    awesomeness. laughing so loud i was crying. couldn’t breath.

    my sister followed it up with a morning text saying “you know i didnt mean anything insulting by calling you a lesbo right?”
    :) i love holidays

  46. I’m scared. Because of the snow causing things to be rescheduled, I now have to drive to Delaware with my mom’s ex-husband (who I haven’t talked to in about 13 months because a) he’s a sociopathic asshole who adds nothing but extreme emotional baggage to my life and b) he raped my mom) to have christmas with his crazy North Carolina/West Virginia-based family. I really don’t wanna go! But I have to, because I’d feel like shit sending my little siblings alone with him. Fuck.

  47. I read all 540 replies to this earlier today, while using the high speed internet in a grocery store in the wilds of Northern Michigan. Now I’m in the library, using the high speed because my parents are the only humans alive that still have dialup.

    So, this holiday season I learned that
    a. Coffee liqueur and coke do not mix well (BYOB next time)
    b. Mom will not buy me anything that qualifies as fun (roller derby paraphernalia) and sticks to things like socks and blenders
    c. Dad will try to buy me fun things, but end up with a Dutch region 2 Fantasia DVD (whoops)
    d. I can’t stay in the closet much longer cause it makes me cry
    e. The only way to get out of church on Sunday is major intestinal distress, which means while I am not eating, Mom eats all my gluten free cinnamon rolls
    f. gluten free cinnamon rolls sometimes turn out squishy
    g. My diabetic dad will not eat all the non gluten free treats, and therefore there are an insane amount of treats that neither my mom nor I can eat
    h. Despite the fact that my brother is almost 30, he will never stop being a dick at Christmastime
    i. Mom will never remember all my food allergies, so check all food labels so she doesn’t murder you
    j. My allergic reaction to sorghum lasts for at least 5 days despite copious Benadryl
    k. next year I’m going to my sister’s and we’ll do gay shit.

    the end.

  48. Came out to the immediate family this Christmas. Reactions, in order of least awesome to most awesome:

    Mom (summary): “Well, if you were a Christian I’d tell you that you were going to hell, but I think it’s too late for that. Just don’t tell your grandparents, they don’t have much time left.”

    Sister: “I don’t think you’re bisexual. I think you’re just trying to be cool.”

    Dad: “So…you met someone on the internet? What’s the site? I want to find a girlfriend, too! Straight people are on there too, right?”

    It went better than I expected!

  49. So this holiday break, my one and only sister told my that she can not stand my long term girl friend. As in thinks irrational thoughts, she even told me she is a better person when she doesn’t think of her.
    In a couple of months I am moving away from home and she told me that she will probably not visit me, and it will probably be the end of our relationship (even though we are fucking sisters).
    I am sad and don’t know how to fix this situation. The tension has been going on for a long time. I love my sister so much and entertained the idea of dumping my girl for a second, but that is dumb.
    This holiday’s news makes me sad. I don’t want to lose my bff. :(

    • Did your sister tell you why she dislikes your girl? I went through something similar – but I was the one who hated my sister’s boyfriend, for valid reason. We had to pretend he didn’t exist, but I eventually warmed to him. Now I think of him as an almost-brother.
      Maybe this can give you hope. I’d like to think that sisters can’t just end their relationships with one another.

      • That does make me feel better. And thanks for responding to my post, I didn’t mean to sound like an annoying teenager.
        She is still being an asshole, but I have realized that I can’t help what she does.
        And I have tried to talk to her, she just gets very irrational. I am hoping that time will help.

  50. Well I’m back at work now, which sucks. This Christmas I have learnt:

    1. I am physically and mentally unable to relax for longer than 20 minutes at a time. The feeling of unease at not working through my ‘to-do’ list was scary at times.

    2. My ‘in-laws’ are pretty sweet, they’ve treated me like a daughter all Christmas.

    3. I hate my job and need a new one. Life is too short for this shit.

    4. Some people are complete dicks. Someone broke into my sisters and stole her Xbox on Christmas day. Smacked up low-lives.

    5. My fiancee is totally not on the same humour wavelength as my parents, and I totally am. A little concerning.

    6. I have been FAR too slow in re-decorating my house and think the quicker I do it, the quicker my inner sanity will be restored.

    7. All of my clothes are now starting to get tighter and tighter, oweing to my hip problems which stop me from exercising. I am stuck in a dark circle of seriously low body image and inability to do anything about it.

    8. Some people have had a horrible Christmas, and I should be grateful for what I have.

    … I wish we were all in one big room now, with alcohol and beanbags and hugs. I feel all reflective and since I’m the only one in the office today, I have nobody to share it with.

  51. This is the first holiday season home after I realized I’m a huge closet case. I don’t know why playing rugby didn’t clue me in… Being home with the family has been GREEEEAAAAT. Every other thing one of them says is a gay rugby joke and though I know they’re innocent, they don’t know just how close to home the comments are hitting. I got to hang out with my enormous Irish Catholic family for about four days straight -does Christmas never end?! Needless to say I CANNOT WAIT for next semester starts so I can go back to school and gay it up.

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