Christmakwanzakah Open Thread: Share Your Homo-Holiday Feelings!

Hot-Christmas-Cheerleaders-6Hello ladies & male allies! We had such a good time sharing all of our homo-holiday feelings with you during Thanksgiving that we thought we should probably do it again for Christmas. It’s so hard to be away from each other this holiday season and so here is a space for all ye lesbians, bisexuals, girls, bois, strais, muppets, stuffed animals, mothers, fathers, and twin sisters to share your terrible/AWESOME Christmas-related feelings from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day and beyond!

It doesn’t really matter if you celebrate or not, because at least in America where we have no separation of church & state, this is pretty much a nationally imposed holiday. Or perhaps you are a poor Jew like me having Christmas with your Puerto Rican Atheist Girlfriend because you cannot afford to fly to Ohio to drink copious amounts of alcohol with the Quaker/Native American side of your family. Perhaps you are a Jew having Chinese food at the movies or perhaps you are Buddhist or Islam or Hindu or Bahá’í or PAGAN or something. You are all welcome here, bitches witches!

How’s it going? Are you decked out in tinsel and figgie pudding? Is your Dad drunk? Is your daughter crying because you’re just too feministy to give her the Barbie she asked for? Did you burn the giant animal in the oven? Is the health care debate at your dinner table anything like the one we’ve been watching on the TV? Are you shoving lots of food down your gullet while your aunt tries to convince you that you’re pretty enough to get a boyfriend? Did you get a flannel?

Don’t drink too much eggnog, you big Lez!

But it wouldn’t be Christmas without presents, right? So whomever comments with the most Terrible/AWESOME holiday story ever will win A YET TO BE DETERMINED PRIZE WHICH WILL PROBS BE AWESOME AND MIGHT BE LESBIAN EROTICA.

Oh, here’s the Muppet Family Christmas 1987. You can watch the entire thing on this playlist, here’s the first video:

Associate Editor Sarah is currently having lunch at Hooters with her parents, so really, beat that.

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Riese is the 40-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in California. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2975 articles for us.


  1. So on turkey day I posted how my stepdad looked at me n my gay stepbro n said he was thankful for the grandkids he MIGHT have since then.

    Update: since then one of my gay friends is home for the holidays aka living with us. My girl best friends mom found out about her and her girlfriend (kicked the girlfriend who was living with them
    out) and her girlfriend is living with us. So now I’m my house is three non-hetero teen and twenty something kids rockin it out in my small room with my step dad scorning the ground we walk on.

    Christmas day the two roomies were gone and my gay stepbrother was over. After my stepdad makes fun of his nose then sneaks a side shot photo to prove to him that is bulbous. (which it’s not) everyone is on edge. But wait there was still room for a “someday I can only hope I can share the magic of Christmas with a grandchild”. Guess what just cause were with the same sex doesn’t mean there isn’t tons of artificial reproduction technology and tons of adoption agencies.

    Basically my stepdad is an ignorant homophobe but it’s ok because there’s three of us living in the house! Happy holidays!

  2. In addition my mom said she’s had her taste of both side of the fences so we like to think there’s power in numbers against my stepdad homophobia. 3.5 non-heteros v. One hetero homophobe. The saga will continue new years.

  3. This thread is pretty awesome. Among other things, I love reading about other people’s Christmas traditions and cool and/or wacky presents. All in all, an hour well spent.

    Spent Christmas with immediate family and family friends, as all my other relatives live in Greece – and received many phone calls throughout the day as a result. Ate lots of lamb and drank lots of sake that one of our guests brought, which is probably uncommon having those things separately much less in combination.

    The best gift I received was a University of Alabama jacket, even if that meant recounting for the ten millionth time the details of my forthcoming trip to L.A./Pasadena in 2 weeks, which I’m absolutely stoked about. I didn’t care too much about the religious historical fiction book I got though and I didn’t have much patience for the religious discussions either.

    And as I’ve read about the awkward questions about dating and relationships, all I can say is just be glad you don’t have overzealous matchmaking Greek relatives and family friends trying to find you a “good Greek girl.” Well, maybe you do, but you get my gist.

    • i was JUST (literally just) reading the archives for like 3 hours because i’m like really really really cool and i thought to myself “where has that crazy sapphicsass kid been lately?” glad you’re here, sorry you’ve had a bummer of a vacay.

      • I’m glad I’m here too. And I am glad you are here too..too. And where have I been lately? I have been on a roller coaster ride to holiday hell. I will write a longer comment with more deets later because it was the most awesomely terrible experience in the history of history. Ok, so I’m exaggerating a tit, but it will live in holigay infamy forrrrrevvvvvvvvver.

  4. i love this thread. i’m out of hospital now! i SO missed autostraddle. i couldn’t deal with using just my iphone’s internet argh!

    i especially love Crystal’s & bcw’s trash talking. i feel as if this guitar hero show down should be an autostraddle event. except, you guys, why don’t you do this in austraila. please?

  5. So it’s time to open my the gifts, I open a pack on pink girl beif boxers. To which my dad says “thoes are the kind that thoes women wear..the bods?? butts?? what are they called?” I look at him blankly, I have no clue what he is talking about. “you know, we were having this conversations a couple weeks ago, what are they called?” after thinking about it again I said “Oh you mean butch, studs”. Then my mom and aunt told looked at him like we was stupid (because he is) and my mom told him to change the subject then my dad said “that she was just jealous because, and likes takling about the “real world” with his daughter” my dad is trying connect to me it’s funny he thinks I’m a big butch Lesbian which is funny, because I’m not butch and not even a lesbian I’m bisexual.

  6. So……ok, I know I’m a little late on the jolly hollyday open thread, but my internet/enthusiasm for life was temporarily out of service. SO… I’ll hit the highlights of Christmas in Alabama. Also: keep in mind that no one in my family knows that I’m a ho ho homo. Seriously though, I’m like the lezziest lez in all of lezville. I’m the tip of the gay iceberg… which you could really just call the nipple..hmmm… yea.. so as I was saying. I’m the lezbicon of lesbians.

    10) My family tried to set me up on three blind dude dates. THREE. in the span of 2 weeks people. It was a testosterone trifecta in the deepest dimension of hell.
    9) I listened to my uncle equate being a democrat with murder for three damn hours.
    8) I saw a goat. A FREAKING GOAT. And not on a farm. I am talking front yard in place of a lawnmower pet goat.
    7) My family members boycott Whole Foods. Apparently being healthy insults God. I think he is insulted by getting dragged into all this nonsense. I think he wants a break and a beer.
    6) I was overheard by my grandmother talking to my best friend about visiting the “toy shop” to which my grandmother responded that she thought it was so nice that I care about giving to children and she offered to drive me. Of course I said hell no, but only because my grandma can’t drive worth a shit.
    5) There are more billboards telling me to repent than restrooms which had me asking the Lord for forgiveness for drinking three big gulps in two hours on the way to my cousin’s house.
    4) I bought my best friend the ForYourEntertainment album to which my mother informed my that I was funding Satan’s work by purchasing anything from Adam Lambert. (I swear I am not even kidding).
    3) As much as I insult the intelligence of hateful homophobic pricks, I have to applaud their creativity. I had to have seen over 100 tacky signs telling me that god hates me. Which I knew wasn’t true because God is a much better speller and could fund much better advertising campaigns.
    2) I was forced to watch “Facing the Giants” and Kirk Cameron’s sequel over 1 times! More than once! brain meltdown.
    1) I got nuts in my stocking. NUTS.

  7. And I asked Santa for Mariska Hargitay for Christmas but instead I got a book called “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts”. I think Mrs. Clause needs to be in charge. I bet there is a lot more going on in that head of hers than nutcrackers and tinsel. I bet there is also a lot going on under that red robe of hers too. I’m just saying.

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