Autostraddle’s Ultimate Holiday Gift Guide 2013: What We Really Want

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Happy holidays, hotties! Every year we put together a massive team-wide wish list gift guide, and every year it just gets more massive! Hopefully this guide will help you find a great gift for that special weirdo in your life, or maybe yourself. You’re a special weirdo, right? Yes. Everything here is linked through our many affiliate accounts, so when you click and buy, we get a few pennies in the process! It’s our way of Robin Hooding the Big Corporations and we really appreciate your help!

We also think it would be rad of you to pick up a calendar, hoodie, flask, journal, pin and/or t-shirt from our Autostraddle Store! Lots of sparkly fresh new merch in there right now, so GET ON IT.

Ok jellybean, cozy up in your favorite Kigurumi and grab a mug of spiked apple cider and let’s dream big!

Fikri, Contributing Editor

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Lumie Bodyclock ELITE 300
As an equatorial transplant to London used to 32ºC all-year weather and plenty of sunlight, cold, dark mornings very quickly sap my will to live. I have 9am classes on Monday, y’all, and it looks only set to get worse as I go farther north for Masters. I used to have a Bodyclock STARTER 30 till it burnt in a fire that cost me everything I kept in summer storage – yes, I do lose my possessions in the most bizarre ways with some regularity – and its absence in my life needs to be rectified asap. (Honestly the lowest-end model worked just fine for me, I just chose the fanciest one for this because it’s a wishlist.)

On Being Included: Racism and Diversity in Institutional Life by Sara Ahmed
I wouldn’t say no to The Promise of Happiness or Queer Phenomenology: Orientations, Objects, Others either – basically anything by Sara Ahmed. I’ve written about her before and her work is super relevant to my personal, academic and future professional interests, so I should probably step it up from just reading snippets on the internet.

National Geographic World Map
I already have more maps than my walls can hold, but they’re so pretty! While I usually like cleaner, more minimalist styles of mapping, the Nat Geo map is a classic and it will look great in my future hypothetical commune’s living room. Super importantly, because this is a Winkel-Tripel projection, it more accurately shows how tiny the US and Europe actually are compared to Asia and Africa than more common Mercator ones.

Anne Taintor (“You Know Me… Busy, Busy!”) Luggage Tag
I travel so often I feel I should invest in something sturdier than the flimsy paper tags British Airways offers at the desk, which I scramble to fill in each time before the check-in person finishes making sense of my 6-word long name. And it might as well have a lady in a swimsuit on it, right, because why not?

Chewbacca Bathrobe
Realistically I am probably something like three sizes too small for this – more Yoda-sized, perhaps? – but still I would like to keep warm in the three metres between my room and the bathroom and I would like to do it dressed as a brown furry Star Wars character. Please someone make this happen.


 

Gabi, Columnist

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Goorin Bros. Fedora
I only step outside without a hat once, maybe twice a week. I discovered Goorin Bros. hats while in Austin, TX on a road trip and I am now a life long fan. Gotta catch em’ all.

Seasoned Cast Iron Dutch Oven
I am slightly obsessed with all camp-related materials regardless of the fact that I’ve never been camping. My sever arachnophobia aside, I think I would be an excellent camper. Just give me this dutch oven and a good tree stump to sit on. I’m golden. Bonus points because it looks like a cauldron.

Alpaca Cropped Poncho
If I don’t accumulate at least 10 new ponchos/shawls a year, then it wasn’t a good year. When I lived in Florida they were merely aesthetic, a way to foster my inner Stevie Nicks, if you will. Now that I live in New York they are totally functional and I like to layer them over cozy sweaters.

White Sage Smudge Stick
My apartment is creepy. And old. When the heater turns on it sounds like someone is bashing all my pots and pans. It constantly sounds like someone is tapping on my window. I think there is some serious bad juju in there. I’ve been wanting to sage the place for a while now. Juniper Ridge is one of my favorite soap makers and the white sage scent is the best! This smudge stick looks big enough to last me at least 6 months of spirit cleansing.


 

Carolyn, NSFW Editor

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Books
I have a problem where I read books at the library and love them and want to own them but don’t buy them because there are so many things I haven’t read yet that aren’t at the library. Which is why I’m coveting physical copies of Pierre Bayard’s How to Talk About Books You Haven’t Read, Joan Didion’s Slouching Towards Bethlehem and Shannon Cain’s The Necessity of Certain Behaviors.

Loose-Leaf Genmaicha
I don’t believe in favourites of things, but loose-leaf genmaicha of any brand is my number one tea right now and I have been going through grams and grams of it.

Novel Polka Dot Bag
My current suitcase is the carry-on bag from a matching set of 90s roller luggage and it’s both aesthetically unpleasing and unnecessarily heavy. This Novel Polka Dot Bag looks both pretty and probably does not weigh 84 pounds empty (and can fit under a plane seat), thus fulfilling my most important requirements.


 

Cara, Contributing Editor

1. Chalkboard Kit

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FolkArt Chalkboard Paint / Quartet Chalkboard / Melissa & Doug Eraser and Chalk Bundle

I have a bunch of different jobs and activities and plans and other things that I like to be able to keep track of. Also, my brain and aesthetic sense never switched over to digital, so I haven’t really taken to the many wonderful organizational apps I keep hearing about. After months of trying to force myself to use Todoist and my Google Calendar, I’ve decided what I really need is an old-fashioned chalkboard, so that I can sort out my life AND practice my vertical handwriting! I haven’t yet decided whether I want to make one out of chalkboard paint and some scrap wood or something, or just buy one that already exists, or what. But regardless I’m going to grab one of these chalk-and-eraser kits, because they are charming.

2. Ice Cream Scoop

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Gadgets Ice Cream Scoop from Calaphon
I really like making ice cream. I feed it to my five roommates, each of whom have seemingly been collecting kitchen supplies since the day they were born. But I’ve been bending spoons all over the place because we still don’t have an ice cream scoop! This one looks really classy and nice, and would probably make an excellent gift, especially when paired with a pint of your recipient’s favorite. Plus then you get to wrap something and put it in the freezer.

3. Galactic Bomber Jacket + Accessories

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Multi Galactic Print Lightweight Jacket from Topman / Glitter Mesh Top Hat / No Place Like Chrome Nail Polish

I really didn’t want to give in to Gabrielle and her universally popular space clothes trend but ugh I love jackets and just look at this and how well it would pair with my wardrobe staples, aka silver nail polish and a gold top hat. I will see you on the moon.


 

Kate, Contributing Editor

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Welcome to Twin Peaks: An Access Guide to the Town
This is the penned-by-David-Lynch super intensive guide to Twin Peaks. The recipe for Norma’s cherry pie is in here, guys! I can’t think of a single reason why I wouldn’t want this book.

The Ultimate Lisa Frank Stickers Collector’s Set
Once I have this 2nd edition collector’s set of 1885 Lisa Frank stickers, I will be unstoppable. Nothing in the universe will stand as a threat ever again. Also, the first article I ever wrote for Autostraddle was all about my intense love for Lisa Frank, so why is anyone surprised that this is something I need?

Nicolas Cage Pillowcase
Waking up alone will never be hard again now that I have Nicolas Cage to bless my sleep with his benevolent smile.

Lucille Bluth iPhone Case
I don’t understand this iPhone case, and I won’t respond to it.


 

Brittani, Sports/Comedy Editor

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Upright Citizens Brigade Comedy Improvisation Manual

Sleeveless Compression Shirt

We Killed: The Rise of Women in American Comedy

My list this year is again things that I want but probably won’t get because I’m technically an adult and no one really buys gifts for grown people unless you have started your own family that uses money you gave them to buy things for you. My interests are as stable as ever. Comedy, books, sports (with as much overlap as possible).


 

Mey, Contributing Editor

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Fresh Take Bodysuit in Universe
As Lizz so wonderfully pointed out, bodysuits are a vastly underrated article of clothing. You can dress them up with skinny jeans and a blazer or dress for a fun time with a mini skirt and heels. Body Suits are great, outer space is great, together they are perfect. Plus, this one is available in sizes up to 4X!

Spectacle Edition Bottle Opener
While going up to a cute queer at a party and asking her if she can open your bottle might be a great way to break the ice, having your own bottle opener can also be helpful sometimes. And if you’re going to have a bottle opener, why not have a cute one? This bottle opener is a great way to show that not only do you make sharp sartorial choices, but you’re also ready to party.

Wardrobe Debate Dress
Seriously, look how adorable this dress is! I’m totally loving 3/4 sleeves right now, and the bright blue will definitely make you feel better in the gloomy winter weather. And again, it’s available in plus sizes.

Batwoman Vol. 3: World’s Finest by J.H.Williams III
In this volume, our favorite lesbian superhero Batwoman teams up with our other favorite (lesbian-in-our-dreams) superhero, Wonder Woman. And now that J.H. Williams III has left book, you’ll want even more to remember the good times.

Betty Rubble: The Initiation by Mykki Blanco
Mykki Blanco is my queen right now. Now, we all have mad love for Angel Haze, but Mykki is my personal favorite queer rapper. Her beats are so spooky and stomping and she has a flow like no one else in the game. If you’re not convinced, in her song The Initiation, she raps the entire thing in Latin.



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62 Comments

  1. Thumb up 8

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    mey i am 100% with you on the mykki blanco love. when she first uploaded wavvy, i would listen to it every. single. day. on my to and from work commute for two whole months to the point where i could now recite those verse backwards i think? motherfucking rookie of the year

    look at how seriously everyone else took this assignment, i’m really glad i didn’t go with my original plan of 5 different nicolas cage body pillows.

  2. Thumb up 6

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    I preordered Hyperbole and a Half and I did not regret it one bit.

    ALSO I feel like someone should just get Vanessa a very nice and cozy set of handkerchiefs for her feelings. I tried to remember to carry a hanky in my pocket last camp I was at in case I ran into someone with a lot of feelings. Unfortunately, when I had feelings, I had forgotten one, and when I ran into a girl with feelings, I was drunk and forgot it was in my pocket and told her terrible jokes instead.

    also you can flag with them SO

  3. Thumb up 1

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    DeAnne- ideas for using salt with espelette chili pepper salt? Just got some as a gift to take home to my vegan BFF (who is the hardest person to shop for, not because she is vegan) and I know if I don’t give her ideas for it then it will probably sit on a shelf until her cats find it and decorate the kitchen floor with it.

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    It is taking all the self control i posses not to buy the nic cage pillow. my not-as-ironic-as-i-let-people-think-it-is love for nic cage knows no bounds.

    • Thumb up 2

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      Haha I know! That’s why it’s on MY wish list! Probs would never buy it for myself but if my mother or girlfriend happen to be reading…..

      • Thumb up 2

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        You’re brown! Agh. Missed that. Sorry. You’re golden. Also, it’s weird that Amazon is selling “smudge sticks.” I guess you really can get anything on Amazon.
        (For the record, I don’t know much about them. My ndn grandma’s healer person uses something like them, and I know a bunch of buddhist Vietnamese that use something like them. I just side eye the hell out of white hipsters who try to use them)

  5. Thumb up 1

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    Aw, nobody wants a PS4 (that’s kinda what I’d like, personally)? Or even an X-Box One? =)

    For peelers, I have three, but I usually use this one, and it’s worked great for me.

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      I’m tempted by a PS4 after yeaaaaars of being an Xbox person but it’s a big life decision, y’know? Also I did contemplate adding a couple of console RPGs to the list – Assassin’s Creed IV and Skyrim Legendary, to be exact – but I am still mourning the TERRIBLE end of the Mass Effect trilogy so it’ll take me a while to learn to trust again.

    • Thumb up 2

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      my girlfriend wants an X-Box!
      so do i because the DVD drive on my laptop eats things and we have no way to watch DVDs and I think you can do that on an x-box right
      i don’t know how to play video games except mario kart and duck hunt

  6. Thumb up 2

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    This all looks amazing! The space print stuff especially. Notebooks and animal print stuff does seem to be the way to the hearts of most of the Autostraddle staff!

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      we’re a predictable bunch. a snuggly and prone to writing our feelings predictable bunch, but predictable nonetheless 😉

  7. Thumb up 11

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    I’m fairly surprised only one sex toy made it onto the list – and that it was possibly the shiest human who put it there. You win, Hansen.

  8. Thumb up 1

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    My wish list:

    1. A good book about intersectionality – recommendations?
    2. A thermos
    3. A brew kit

    … I wouldn’t be adverse to a lady in a Santa hat falling out of the sky

    And got my Autostraddle pin and shirt today (like super fast, too, from the other side of the country), so the self-gifting has begun!

      • Thumb up 1

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        Danke! I am woefully behind on reading bell hooks, and did look at the Feminist Gift Guide longingly. Let’s say that you are a totally newbie and have a limited attention span/time for non-Autostraddle articles and things that are not related to your grad school thesis. If you had to recommend ONE book as a user friendly starting point for daydreaming about these issues on your walks home, which one would it be?

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          Zami is one of my favourite books of all time! Plus since you mentioned that you’re in grad school, I think you’ll appreciate having something written in a non-academic way for your free time.

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    I really cannot recommend the ‘Hyperbole and a Half’ book enough. It is pure, undistilled hilarity in book form.

    Also seconding Mey’s recommendation for the Batwoman trade. She’s a great character and JH Williams’ art is stunningly beautiful. Seriously, did anyone else get the first ‘Sandman: Overture’ issue? I just sat there and stared at that thing, it was so pretty.

  10. Thumb up 4

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    “I hate wearing pants. Honestly it’s the worst. The best moment of the day is when you get home from work or school or whatever the heck you’ve had to do that day that involves the cruel torture of putting on pants, because once you’re home you can finally take off your pants!”

    Vanessa, it’s like you’re speaking to my soul

  11. Thumb up 3

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    “You can just do it! You can just enjoy things! No one’s judging you! Have fun! (These last four sentences double as general self-affirmations, whether or not you’re drawing.)”

    Beyond perfect!!!

  12. Thumb up 4

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    racheeeeeeeel i hope you make someone you get the T3. this is the most expensive single thing i’ve ever bought for myself (with the bag and memory cards and. no joke i started sweating in best buy when i handed the cashier my card. legitimately sweating. but like rachel. it’s so fun. in fact it’s so fun i still sweat with excitement when i use it. hot sweaty fun camera.

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        I would make a mention of the T3i as it’s a bit better(specially in terms of speed and video capabilities), and if fact have seen in commercials going for a pretty nice price bundled with a memory card and bag.

        I kind of had that swearing moment when I was buying a tv, but now I couldn’t be more relaxed about having it.

  13. Thumb up 1

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    I asked *everyone* for that same Cuisinart pot, but I doubt I’m getting it because it’s so ‘spensive. Obsessive compulsive tea lovers unite!

  14. Thumb up 4

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    I really all of the Lisa Frank on this list.

    Also, after I told my mother that I wanted a Nintendo 2DS and the new Pokemon game for Christmas her response was “Isn’t that what I got you when you were 8?”

  15. Thumb up 2

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    Everyone keeps asking me what I want and only today I realized I want a new backpack and toque. And possibly new clothes (but if I tell my relatives that, I’ll end up with a collection fitted women’s clothes, which ain’t how I roll). I’m also contemplating overalls because they are fucking comfortable

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    OMG I don’t even care that my nerd is coming out with that infectious disease card game! How have I never heard of this before??

  17. Thumb up 3

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    there’s so much good stuff on here, my own christmas list just quadrupled. also I feel like I learned a lot about everyone from their lists.

  18. Thumb up 3

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    My girlfriend used chalkboard paint to turn her table into a chalkboard. Although, when I visit I just use it to draw math problems…. But I’m sure it’s perfect for lists and things (though not vertical writing skills, sorry Cara)

  19. Thumb up 1

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    There’s a guide to Twin Peaks?!! I need that!!! It will hang out next to Laura Palmer’s diary and they will be creepy fucked up book friends.

    Also that is a perfect fedora. Nice choice.

  20. Thumb up 1

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    Doctor Who Monopoly would fit perfectly into my collection of nerdy Monopoly games. Which really only consists of 2 different Star Wars editions and a Lord of the Rings version.

  21. Thumb up 1

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    About that Chewbacca bathrobe. Amazon actually has a number of Stars Wars-inspired bathrobes if Chewy isn’t your thing. I’ve personally got my eye on the Boba Fett and Jedi ones.

  22. Thumb up 1

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    The black lace “Highest Praise Dress”! Can’t decide if I want to wear it or buy it for someone. Probably both.

  23. Thumb up 1

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    Chalkboard! Colored chalk! I get so excited by anything work/office/school related…Give me a new sketchbook! Sharpie kit! Commercial grade paper cutter!

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    omg i put the Lisa Frank stickers on my wish listtttttt.

    omg galaxy clothesssssss (of which i own none)

    hehehe moleskinnies~ (oh art skewlings & the many times of seeing pretentious fellow students exclusively using Moleskines– they just kind of make me giggle [though i did use one once in conjunction with another sketchbook])

    Also, i had a Treehouses of the World calendar as my calendar for last year, & it was super cool. (: This past year my calendar was one where for each day there was a different piece of art from the Met in New York, depending on the theme of the month.

    Also MUGS. i have a thing for mugs. it’s kind of a problem

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