Our Most Anticipated Queer Books for July 2025

June was of course a very busy month for LGBTQ+ book releases, but we still have a decent amount of new queer and trans books coming your way in July, too! Because it turns out gay people still exist after Pride month! Who knew! Below, find our top picks for the month, followed by the rest of our mostly anticipated queer books for July 2025. And feel free to shoutout additional books in the comments!


Autostraddle’s Top Most Anticipated LGBTQ Books for July 2025

Hot Girls with Balls by Benedict Nguyễn (July 1, Literary Fiction)

Hilarious in its excavations of internet fame and the content-ification of relationships, Hot Girls with Balls follows Six and Green, two late-twenties Asian trans women on rival teams in the men’s pro indoor volleyball league. The influencer athletes have a massive platform where they document their long-distance relationship and often disagree about how much to make public and keep private. It’s a great “internet novel” and specifically a queer internet novel, so it’s extremely up my alley and I think if you get your book recommendations from Autostraddle dot com, it’ll be up yours, too.

No Body No Crime, by Tess Sharpe (July 15, Thriller)

Nothing bonds two girls quite like burying a body in the woods. Chloe Harper and Mel Tillman end up in a secret relationship after they spend a night in the woods burying the body of teen drug dealer Toby Dunne on Chloe’s 16th birthday. Six years later, Chloe has left town for the Canadian wilderness and Mel is working as a rural PI. Danger resurfaces from their past and brings the two women back together again.

The Other Wife, by Jackie Thomas-Kennedy (July 15, Literary Fiction)

Zuzu feels like an outsider growing up biracial in her small, rural town, but she finds deep friendship in her best friend Cash, whom she longs for but never pursues outright romance with. Now nearing her forties, she’s married to her wife Agnes while still yearning for Cash, who she reconnects with when a sudden loss brings her back to her hometown.

House of Beth by Kerry Cullen (July 15, Literary Fiction)

This twisty novel centers bisexual literary agency assistant Cassie Jackson, who flees Manhattan for her New Jersey hometown following the gruesome death of her boss, which also causes her harm OCD to flare up. There, she reconnects with her high school best friend Eli, who is a widowed father of two, and Cassie slides easily into his life as a new stepmother. But things get a little…messy…when the ghost of Eli’s dead homemaker wife Beth starts haunting the woods surrounding her home.

Subterrane, by Valérie Bah (July 17, Speculative Fiction)

Humor and political commentary collide in this kaleidoscopic work of speculative fiction featuring a chorus of Black and queer voices set in the fictional world of New Stockholm, a North American metropolis defined by class stratification. Zeynab is making a government-funded abstract documentary about the creatives and anti-capitalists of one of New Stockholm’s polluted and industrial neighborhoods, one of the last areas where housing is affordable.

Necessary Fiction, by Eloghosa Osunde (July 22, Literary Fiction)

The author of the outstanding Vagabonds! is back with another gorgeous literary exploration of queer life, family, friendship, desire in Nigeria. Featuring more than two dozen characters across generations and scattered throughout Lagos, it’s simultaneously sprawling and intimate.

First Time, Long Time, by Amy Silverberg (July 22, Literary Fiction)

A young aspiring writer moves to Los Angeles while grieving her dead brother and ends up in a relationship with a famous older radio host named Reid Steinman, beloved by her father and late brother. But things take an interesting turn when she ends up having an affair with his adult daughter Maddie.

Simplicity, by Mattie Lubchansky (July 29, Sci-Fi, Graphic Novel)

Whether you know her from her brilliant horror graphic novel Boys Weekend or just from her hilarious comics online, Mattie Lubchansky is a shining voice with a signature style in the queer and trans graphic narrative space, and you’re not going to want to miss her latest, an immersive and speculative story about Lucius Pasternak, who is hired by the Museum of the Former State of New York in 2081 to study a group called The Spiritual Association of Peers from the 1970s that took over a summer camp in the Catskills and called it Simplicity. Strangeness ensues. Expect sharp socio-political commentary wrapped up in eerie dystopian-horror imagery. And humor of course!

Lonely Crowds, by Stephanie Wambugu (July 29, Literary Fiction)

Set in the early-90s art world of NYC, this novel is about two friends: Ruth and Maria. Ruth is an only child of immigrants to New England attending a Catholic girl’s school on a scholarship, and Maria is an orphan whose Panamanian mother died by suicide and is being raised by her aunt and also on a scholarship to the school. They strike up an intense friendship. Ruth follows charming and free Maria, who embraces her sexuality and drive for an art career, to college and then NYC, where ambition and competition threaten their friendship. Toxic friendship novel, yes PLEASE!

And now enjoy the rest of our most anticipated LGBTQ books for July 2025!


July 1

Coffeeshop in an Alternate Universe, by CB Lee (YA Romance/Fantasy)

A geeky science-lover and a prophesied Chosen One’s paths collide, and they start to fall for each other, but there’s one problem: They come from literally different universes. Second dates become a lot more complicated when they require a portal. For readers of sapphic cozy YA fantasy!

The Original, by Nell Stevens (Literary Fiction)

A suspenseful, gothic work of historical fiction, The Original follows Grace, who has predilections for art, forgery, and other girls. She’s saving up money in hopes of one day leaving her family for far away, but a letter from a long-presumed dead cousin staking potential claim in the family’s wealth complicates matters for Grace and the other members of her Oxfordshire estate.

Human Rites, by Juno Dawson (Fantasy)

This is the third book in the Her Majesty’s Royal Coven trilogy. Five witches — Niamh, Ciara, Leonie, Elle and Theo — are chosen by Lucifer the demon of desire to fulfill a dark prophecy. Uh oh.

Tenderly, I Am Devoured, by Lyndall Clipstone (YA Romance)

Lacrimosa Arriscane AKA Lark is expelled from her boarding school and finds her family in financial ruin, so she accepts a marriage of convenience to a chthonic god, as one does. She becomes entangled in a sibling love triangle with a brother and sister. Romantic folk horror that promises a polyamorous bisexual romance!

Call Your Boyfriend, by Olivia A. Cole and Ashley Woodfolk (YA Romance)

This young adult sapphic rom-com follows Beau Carl, who is trying to figure out if Maia Moon, the popular girl she has been secretly hooking up with, really likes her. At the last big party before prom, Beau sees Maia about to kiss Charm Montgomery, who is thrilled that the vibes she has been picking up on in her tutoring sessions with Maia haven’t just been in her head. But then Beau interrupts the kiss, Maia accepts a promposal from her shitty boyfriend, and both Beau and Charm are left bereft. Beau and Charm team up to enact their revenge, but they start slipping into something sweeter along the way.

Am I Having Fun Now? Anxiety, Applause and Life’s Big Questions, Answered, by Suzi Ruffell (Memoir)

Comedian Suzi Ruffell writes humorously and authentically on masking anxiety with musical theater, coming out, falling in love, and becoming a parent.


July 8

The Gryphon King, by Sara Omer (Fantasy)

This is the first book in a fantasy trilogy inspired by Southwest Asian mythology. Ghouls, deadly monsters, and characters with dubious morals clash in a dynastic tale of romance, fantasy, and adventure.

Moonrising by Claire Barner (Sci-Fi)

The year is 2073, and agronomist Dr. Alex Cole moves to the first lunar colony where she falls in love. If you’re both a space nerd and a romance lover, the premise here sounds like it’ll be just for you. There’s also significant themes of climate horror and dystopia.

The Key To Everything: May Swenson, A Writer’s Life, by Margaret A. Brucia (Biography)

Whether you love lesbian poetry or lesbian literary history, you’re gonna want to get your hands on this biography of May Swenson, which pulls from her unpublished diaries as well as letters to people like fellow lesbian poet Elizabeth Bishop. The 20th century was such a fascinating time for lesbian poets, and this book particularly focuses on Swenson’s life from 1936 to 1959, during which she came of age and into her poetic voice in NYC.

Putafeminista, by Monique Prada, translated and edited by Amanda De Lisio (Nonfiction)

Activist and sex worker Monique Prada pens a work of sex-worker-centric feminism from Brazil, centering an anti-colonial and anti-whorephobia working women’s movement.

Climate, by Whitney Hanson (Poetry)

This is a revised re-release of Hanson’s collection, which features a new introduction and more than a dozen new weather-centric poems.

Sunburn, by Chloe Michelle Howarth (Literary Fiction)

This gorgeous novel about two girls falling in love in small-town Ireland in the 1990s is finally getting a U.S. publication after capturing hearts in the UK in 2023.


July 15

Wayward Girls, by Susan Wiggs (Historical Fiction)

This novel follows six different girls who have been locked away in the 1968 nun-run institution Good Shepherd for the mere facts of being pregnant, gay, or otherwise difficult.

Hit Me With Your Best Charm by Lillie Vale (YA Fantasy/Romance)

Nova Marwood has long been haunted by the tragedy of her missing father hiker but has become accustomed to pretending she’s okay. She’s also very good at pretending she doesn’t have a crush on the girl she pretends to hate. Nova ends up accidentally laying a hex on said faux-nemesis.

Climate of Chaos, by Cassandra Newbould (YA Sci-Fi)

July is disability pride month, and this book features a disabled protagonist navigating a dystopian world of climate crisis and medical debt, set in a near-future Seattle ravaged by storms and a virus. Healthcare can only be earned by logging hours in the pharmaceutical factories run by society’s resident evil corporation Aegis Corp.

The Club: Where American Women Artists Found Refuge in Belle Epoque Paris, by Jennifer Dasal (Nonfiction)

Hello history heads! Here is the clandestine history of a residence for American women artists in Paris from 1893 to 1914. The American Girls’ Club in Paris opened in 1893 and housed a generation of artist and activist expatriate American women during Belle Époque Paris. This meticulously researched book looks at the community that formed there and the legacy of its women.

Get it Out: On the Politics of Hysterectomy, by Andrea Becker (Nonfiction)

Get it Out offers an inclusive study of the hysterectomy and includes medical history as well as qualitative data gathered from 100 participants, including trans men and nonbinary people in addition to cis women. It looks at how gender and race impact access to reproductive healthcare and the pushback people seeking hysterectomies often receive.

Taste the Love, by Karelia Stetz-Waters and Fay Stetz-Waters (Romance)

A sapphic rom-com for foodies, Taste the Love centers eco-chef Alice Sullivan and social media and food truck sensation Kia, who go from complicated culinary school rivals to…a public fake marriage in an attempt to save both their careers.


July 22

The Library at Hellebore, by Cassandra Khaw (Horror Fantasy)

I had a lot of fun with Khaw’s Nothing But Blackened Teeth, and the author is back with a dark academia novel about the Hellebore Technical Institute for the Gifted, a prestigious academy for the “dangerously powerful,” including anti-christs, ragnaroks, world-eaters, and apocalypse-makers. In other words: school from hell.

Daughters of Flood and Fury, by Gabriella Buba (Fantasy)

This is a sequel to Saints of Storm and Sorrow and continues the saga’s exploration of Filipino-inspired fantasy, featuring magic, pirates, moon-eating dragons, and sapphic romance.

Volatile Memory, by Seth Haddon (Sci-Fi Romance)

This debut is a sapphic sci-fi/action-adventure novella with cyberpunk vibes.

Nothing Compares To You: What Sinead O’Connor Means to Us, edited by Sonya Huber and Martha Bayne (Nonfiction)

A group of women and nonbinary artists and writers come together to remember the legacy of Sinead O’Connor in this anthology.

Evil-ish by Kennedy Tarrell (YA Fantasy Graphic Novel)

Hawthorne Vandercast wants to join the Brigade of Shade and leave behind their life as a potions barista. But their pursuit of villainy proves more complicated than they hoped.

Sky on Fire, by E.K Johnston (YA Sci-Fi)

A space fantasy that combines Arthurian myth and the history of North Atlantic fisheries — two things I bet you didn’t think could combine to compelling effect, but here we are! For readers of queer sci-fi/fantasy tales.

So What If I’m a Puta, by Amara Moira, edited by Amanda de Lisio, and translaed by Bruna Dantas Lobato (Essay Collection)

This essay collection from Feminist Press touches on transition, safe sex, desire, whorephobia, consent, and the history and current contexts of Brazil’s violence against trans women.


July 29

The Memory Hunters, by Mia Tsai (Romantasy)

A slow-burn romantasy with climate dystopia and dark academia vibes, this novel centers Kiana Strade, who has a special talent for collecting memories but refuses her post leading the temple she’s supposed to and instead does research for the Museum of Human Memory.

We Are The Match, by Mary E Roach (Romance)

Here we have a contemporary and queer reimagining of the Helen of Troy myth with Grecian mob families and a tale of murder and revenge.

The Lighthouse at the Edge of the World, by J.R. Dawson (Fantasy)

A Midwestern fantasy tale, this novel features a waystation for the dead on the shores of Lake Michigan in Chicago. Every night, the dead travel through the city to this waystation, guided by the titular lighthouse, where they must reckon with their lives before moving on into the great beyond, ushered by the ferryman of the dead. That ferryman’s daughter Nera notices one night that something is afoot. A living girl named Charlie has somehow boarded the boat looking for someone she has lost.

Donut Summer, by Anita Kelly (YA Romance)

Two teens working at a donut shop for the summer band together to save it and fall in love along the way in this YA debut.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1049 articles for us.

Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3338 articles for us.

July 2025: What’s New, Gay and Streaming on Netflix, Hulu, HBO Max, Peacock and Apple TV

Now that Pride Month has wrapped up we’re moving on to the very thick of summer, I wonder what will happen on the television~ If you care to wonder with me, let us gaze together into what is in store for the lesbian, bisexual, gay and trans characters on various streaming networks this month?


Netflix July 2025 in Gay

kim in "too much"

The Old Guard 2 (2025) // July 2
Andy’s (Charlize Theron) ex (as per its source material), long-lost immortal Quỳnh, will be returning to the fold as Andy and her team faces a new threat endangering their existence. Unclear if the nature of their relationship will be mentioned as most coverage of the film has focused on its (honestly quite notable) gay male couple, Joe and Nicky. Gayety has celebrated the sequel as boasting “a cast that celebrates diversity on every level — from race and nationality to gender and sexuality.”

Too Much // Season One // July 10
Lena Dunham’s new comedy for Netflix stars Hacks scene-stealer and extremely gay comic Megan Stalter as Jessica, a heartbroken New Yorker who moves to London to find herself new love story. Janicza Bravo plays Kim, her co-worker harboring a fresh new queer crush on her boss’s effortlessly cool assistant, Josie (Daisy Bevan). Also there’s a hairless dog named Astrid, and Naomi Watts, and lots of gay people and cocaine and Rita Wilson plays Jessica’s Mom and of course Andrew Ranells pops up too.

The Sandman: Season 2 // Volume 1 July 3 + V2 July 24 + V3 July 31 
The fist season of The Sandman was widely praised for its queerness, including supernatural detective Johanna Constantine (Jenna Coleman) and non-binary sibling character Desire (Mason Alexander Park). A Gay Times piece on The Sandman quoted a tweet that observed, “When I saw a TikTok saying every character in Sandman is queer I thought they were exaggerating a bit but it really is every one of them huh.” This season we’ll be traveling to the underworld of Hades, Ancient Greece, Elizabethan England, and the French Revolution. We will encounter demons, fairies, and gods. Anyhow, Neil Gaiman is a monster, but I’m still telling you about this show because the hundreds of people involved in making it should not be punished for his behavior.

Cora Bora (2023) // July 17
Megan Stalter is a struggling LA musician in an open relationship with her Portland girlfriend who returns home when her career hits a roadblock only to find her girlfriend has begun seriously dating someone new. “I love an indie about a messy bisexual,” wrote Drew. “Throw in good songs and a lovely third act, and I can forgive some imperfections. Like its protagonist, Cora Bora is at first off-putting, but in the end it proves lovable.”

The Hunting Wives: Season One // July 21
This series has bounced around a bit, finally landing on Netflix from Starz, based on May Cobb’s obstensibly heterosexual but extremely homoerotic novel about Sophie, who leaves her enviable career in Chicago to settle down with her husband and son in a small Texas town and quickly becomes obsessed with Margot Banks, an alluring socialite part of the Hunting Wives elite clique, a mysterious world of dangerous parties and late-night target practice.

Hightown (Seasons 1-3) // July 23
The Straz series set in Cape Cod stars Monica Raymund as a messy bisexual National Marine Fisheries Service Agent.


Hulu’s July 2025 Queer Stuff

two girls outside in funny outfits

Such Brave Girls // Season Two // July 2
Such Brave Girls is a riotous, disgusting, in-your-face comedy about a dysfunctional family (two sisters and a single mom, all of them varying degrees of delulu) trying and often failing to get their shit together. Josie, the center of it all, is gay, and the first season turned out surprisingly queer even beyond that. I was prepared to wait 2-3 years for the second season of this show so imagine my delight that it’s coming now. Please we beg of you catch up on Season One and watch this you will love it I promise!!! Season Two will find them continuing their impossible quest for a better life, yearning to escape the reality of their cramped little home.

Dope Girls // Season One // July 28
Set just after World War I, this six-part historical BBC drama takes place in London in 1918 and “depicts in visceral, delicious detail the birth of the modern nightlife industry guided and gilded by hard fought female endeavor.” There are sexy girls in provocative dresses and lots of GRIT and also some lesbianing does occur! Having already premiered overseas, The Guardian wrote of it, “Its ambition is entertaining, and it is hard to get bored, especially when the crime really gets going.”


HBO Max July 2025 LGBTQ+

Carol (2015) // July 1
I believe we are all at this point familiar with Carol!

Dear Ms.: A Revolution in Print (2025) // July 2
This three-part documentary promises to chronicle “the groundbreaking articles that helped define and further the discourse, showcasing the bold cover stories that dared to put abortion, home life, workplace issues, and sexual politics front and center, bringing about new language in their dissection of the gender battleground.” Promised queers include Lindsy Van Gelder, Annie Sprinkle And Veronica Vera.


Peacock’s Queer July 2025

Tár (2023) // July 27
Lydia Tár is an accomplished renowned lesbian conductor whose world begins spiraling out of control when she is accused of misconduct. Cate Blanchett stars as Lydia Tar and everybody disagreed about whether or not it was excellent or terrible.

Twisted Metal: Season 2 Premiere // July 31
Valerie adored the first season of Twisted Metal, in which Stephanie Beatriz played Quiet, a character who the actor and Valerie read as bisexual even if it may not be super obvious to all. John and Quiet are entering a deadly demolition derby known as the Twisted Metal tournament, hosted by the elusive Calypso, in a season full of killer clowns, vigilante rivals, and long-lost family drama.


Apple TV+ July 2025

Acapulco: Season 4 Premiere // July 23
In the present day, Máximo is working tirelessly to restore Las Colinas to its former glory in anticipation of the grand re-opening, and in the 1986 storyline, a young Máximo fights to ensure his property’s future after a young competitor wins the number one spot on a coveted list. Máximo’s sister, lesbian Sara Gallardo Ramos, also returns, trying to help her brother take a more political approach to challenging the status quo at Las Colinas.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3338 articles for us.

‘I’m a Thirty-Something Lesbian Worried I’ll Be Single Forever’

Q:

I’m a lesbian in my 30s who has been single for 5 years and not for lack of trying. And I mean that. I’ve gone on dozens of first dates through dating apps, I’ve collected many random hobbies over the years by taking classes to meet people, I attend things on my own all the time, and even recently I tried speed dating for the first time. Still, I haven’t had even the glimmer of a relationship. Haven’t even so much as kissed someone in a few years.

And I’m a total catch! I have a great job, I own my house, I’m smart, cute, and don’t speak to any of my exes! I even live in an area that is relatively queer. Yet, I’m starting to become convinced that it’ll never happen for me.

In some ways it feels like I’m waiting for the next part of my life to begin with a partner. I bought a house last year after putting it off because I had been waiting for someone to do it with and realized that I may be waiting forever. But it was an incredibly lonely experience. And I’ve had so many experiences over the last few years that I always pictured myself sharing with a partner.

If I had been sitting on my couch for the last 5 years without trying, I would understand. It’s much more painful to feel like I’ve been doing all the “right” things to try to meet someone and still come up short. Everyone in my life says I’m wonderful and to “put myself out there” but that doesn’t seem to matter. And as time passes, it becomes more difficult to hold onto the belief that I am worthy of love and will find it.

I guess my questions are: Where do I go from here? How do I keep trying without losing hope? Should I be doing anything differently?

A:

This is the thing that is most frustrating about dating imo! You can literally have everything going for you and also be truly putting yourself out there, and you can still struggle to find someone to actually date. It sucks! I have many friends spanning ages, locations, and sexualities for whom this exact situation you’ve described is true. You’re single, but you’re not alone. I believe you when you say you’re a catch! Being a homeowner ALONE should qualify you for a long line of prospective girlfriends. Owning a home?! In THIS economy?!?!! I’m impressed!

While your friends’ advice to put yourself out there is coming from a good place and indeed is the most common response to folks feeling like they’re stuck in singlehood, clearly you already are putting yourself very out there. I’m left wondering if you’re almost putting yourself too out there, casting too wide of net. That’s not a criticism! But I’m trying to figure out something else you could try so as to at least not feel like you’re in a slump. What are you looking for in a partner? What are your priorities in a relationship? Write these things down. Maybe instead of going on dozens of first dates via the dating apps, get a little more intentional with who you’re planning dates with and seek out people who fit certain things you’re looking for. I know this is sort of contrary to conventional How To Date advice, but I think it could accomplish a few things here.

For starters, the sheer volume of first dates you’re going on and attempts to date you’re making may be contributing to your feelings of exhaustion and the pain of continually putting yourself out there to no avail. It’s possible you have feelings of dating fatigue! That would be understandable! It could be better for your overall mental state to scale back some of your dating efforts while still managing to put yourself out there to some degree, which could set you up for long-term success with dating. It also could mean more of an emphasis on dating people you have some baseline compatibility with. Getting intentional about your priorities in a potential partnership can teach you a lot about what you’re looking for and then set you up to go out and find what you’re looking for!

But of course, it also isn’t as simple as just that. It takes time, but the thing we talk about less is that it takes luck. Especially when we’re queer, our dating pools are just naturally smaller. Even in a big city with a lot of queer people. You are worth of love, and I think you will find it. There is always time, and it’s never too late. If you’re low on hope, borrow some from me! I do have hope for you! I have hope for everyone when it comes to finding love, truly.


You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1049 articles for us.

1 Comment

  1. Dear letter writer,
    I, too, know many people who are in a similar situation to you (but without the house:). Surely, this does not change that you feel something you wish for is missing from your life, but I want to second Kayla in two things: a) you are not alone, and b) there is so much luck (or the lack thereof) involved in dating.
    You asked if you could do something different. I just want to point out that you are doing a lot of work already, and sometimes, that only means that the discard pile gets really big.
    I have a few questions that might be paradoxical:
    → What if there is nothing to fix? What if you already do (or did) everything you could, and there is no need for self-improvement? What if you say to yourself: I am trying, and I know want something different for myself, but I also know the result is not in my hands and I cannot control the outcome? (It might make it easier to exhale because what you describe gives me an impression of breathlessness.)
    → Why are you trying to date? (That is not a judgment or a criticism. Nothing wrong about wanting to be in a relationship!) Maybe you can dive into what you would like from a relationship (if you haven’t already). What exactly do you miss? What exactly would you like to be different? Is there anything that people in your life at this point can provide that you would like to see from a romantic partner? Surely they cannot replace what you want, and it does not minimize this feeling of loss for you. Sometimes people feel like “If I don’t have this, I don’t have anything!” – and there is so much space between these scales.
    → What if you gave yourself a break? What you currently do sounds like a lot of pressure and as if you did everything to ace the test (of dating). What if you stopped for a while and see what’s that like for you? As an experiment. No good, no bad. I tried dating, and it made me feel______. I tried to take a beak from dating, and it made me feel______.
    → How can you take good care for yourself in the time you don’t have what you long for? How can you show up for yourself and meet your own needs as much as possible while recognizing that you would like a different life for yourself?
    Maybe you’re doing all of these things (and more) already. In that case, ignore everything that does not fit!

    If you are interested and you haven’t read these articles yet, I can highly recommend them:
    https://www.autostraddle.com/i-am-single-and-my-life-feels-meaningless/
    https://www.autostraddle.com/how-do-i-date-when-im-attracted-to-hardly-anyone/

Comments are closed.

‘Daggerheart’ Is a New, Even Queerer D&D From the Team Behind ‘Critical Role’

For the majority of their history, tabletop roleplaying games like Dungeons & Dragons were predominantly made for and by a single demographic: cisgender, heterosexual white men. While marginalized people have always been a part of tabletop culture, the last decade has seen actual play shows like Critical Role (where actors play tabletop games for an audience) introduce the hobby to new, more diverse generations than ever before. This larger cultural awareness has highlighted Dungeons & Dragons’ long, problematic history of bigotry and exclusion that it’s only just begun to reckon with. Paired with a series of industry scandals from D&D’s publisher Wizards of the Coast, this desire to engage tabletop games in a way that reflects our experiences and desires has led to a crop of “D&D Killers” rising to take its place. One such game, the newly released Daggerheart, is attempting to hold onto what makes D&D special while explicitly centering queer and disabled people.

“Tabletop games are a really powerful medium for storytelling as a genre, for escapism, for community building,” says Daggerheart’s senior producer Elise Rezendes. “A tabletop game allows players to explore different identities or explore different relationships, different environments beyond the one that they have in their own corporeal experience.”

Daggerheart is the most recent project of Darrington Press, Critical Role’s publishing arm that has printed other games like the eldritch horror Candela Obscura and the conversational card game about toxic power dynamics, For The Queen. In a lot of ways, Daggerheart looks like D&D. However, it’s D&D the way Critical Role plays it — or in other words, it’s D&D for theater kids. With a diverse, powerhouse team of designers, editors, artists, and producers, Daggerheart takes pieces from some of the best independent tabletop games of the last two decades and blends them into something new that is familiar to the most seasoned hobbyists and welcoming to those who’ve never rolled a d20 before.

“I am hoping that Daggerheart is the kind of game that people can learn over the course of two hours with their friends and loved ones at the table,” says Rezendes. “The nuance and the mastery can come later, but we wanted to build a system where onboarding was fun, supported, and fast.”

The game cites over 18 games as inspirations for its design — many of which have queer themes and designers — including the heist-centric Blades in the Dark, the world-saving monster RPG Apocalypse Keys, the angsty teen superhero game Masks: A New Generation, and the portal-hopping skater game Slugblaster. “For Daggerheart, we’ve tried to learn lessons from several approaches and synthesize them,” says Mike Underwood, a nonbinary designer and author who worked as one of the primary writers for the game. “Daggerheart is designed for explicit inclusion and metaphorical representation from the top to the bottom with a focus on collaboration and empowering players to make space and take up space for themselves and their own creativity. To create worlds and stories that reflect who they are and what they want to see in their rpg stories.”

Like D&D, Daggerheart builds on traditional fantasy aesthetics, with familiar classes like wizards, rogues, and bards. Players take on the roles of heroes, with a game master who takes on the role of everything else. Instead of the traditional fantasy “races” (a term that comes with decades of baggage), Daggerheart offers multiple ancestries for player characters, ranging from traditional elves, goblins, and dwarves, to anthropomorphic turtles, frogs, fungi, and more. Each player also comes from a community, which informs their skills and how they move through the world. Mechanically, there are stats like strength and knowledge, and you roll dice to determine if you succeed or fail (though the main die is a d12 instead of the standard d20). However, unlike D&D, Daggerheart doesn’t focus on long, drawn out combat; instead it puts narrative front and center. Rather than taking hours to crunch numbers like it would in D&D, character creation focuses on asking questions about who your character is, what their dramatic backstory might be, and how they came to be a part of this band of travelling adventurers.

“Narrative is not something that is divorced from tabletop games,” says Rezendes. “In tabletop games, you are the story. You’re actively collaborating with your other players, finding what makes you heroic by being set up against different circumstances, seeing who you are in those moments, and then growing. And that doesn’t happen outside of the lens of self identity, but it also allows you to put on different kinds of spectacles. What does the world look like through this tint of a rogue’s sunglasses? It just allows you to play in life in a fun and new way together with people that you love and admire.”

While focusing on narrative and minimizing math is one element of Daggerheart’s attempt to be more accessible, the efforts towards a more welcoming type of tabletop game are present in both the world of the game and how the designers chose to present it. The character art throughout the game book casually depicts a diverse world, showing a range of ancestries, genders, body types, abilities, and sexualities. A tense, sapphic moment is the splash page of the second chapter, a broad-chested man with top surgery scars is on the page describing damage rolls, and characters with mobility aids are included throughout the book. An entire section in character creation is dedicated to essays for players on how to respectfully and intentionally depict disabled characters, written by disabled designers. These elements aren’t unique to Daggerheart, but their presence and intentionality stands as a beacon of hope as marginalized people are facing discrimination and erasure from governments around the globe.

“One of the great joys of working on Daggerheart was the notion of starting from an open slate,” says Rue Dickey, a trans disabled designer who organizes the annual Trans Rights TTRPG bundle, which has raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for trans organizations across the United States. “I wasn’t brought on to ‘add’ diverse bodies and expressions, but rather to help shape the ones that were already in the game. There were already concepts for magical and technological prosthetics, different forms of mobility aids, and other access devices like hearing aids. There were already trans bodies, fat bodies, people with scars and limb differences and all manner of tattoos. The team came into Daggerheart wanting to bring a wide variety of fantasy people into the world, so that real people can see ourselves in the stories we tell! It was wonderful to work with a team that was always willing to make adjustments and improvements, and could turn an idea jam into dozens of concept sketches that made me vibrate with joy at how lived in the world of Daggerheart is.”

Rezendes says this dedication to visual diversity was “first and foremost” for the production team. A secondary goal for Rezendes as a producer was to “reset the default of what a protagonist looks like depicted in tabletop game arcs.” To do that, Rezendes kept an intricate spreadsheet. “We tracked in every single art piece, gender representation, age, ability, body type, ethnicity, Ancestry, Community, Heritage, which is a blend of both real world demographics and Daggerheart‘s demographics specifically. We had it from every intersectional mathematical possibility. Because queer people are also disabled. They also are POC. They also are elderly. Inclusivity is all inclusive. You can’t divorce it from one another. Being depicted in the art felt like you belong on this page, you belong in this piece, you belong in this game, you belong at this table, that’s what we wanted to do. That’s what we worked so hard to try to do.”

In making this game, Rezendes — who has designed introductory RPG games like The Session Zero System through her own company Mythic Grove Productions — says the most important aspect of this game has been ensuring “that people who have not been centered are centered and they’re centered by people in their own community. I wanted to be able to put art on a page that would have made me feel safe telling the kind of stories I wanted to when I was younger and was dipping my toes in this world. We consulted with a ton of folks to be able to make sure that in our attempt, we were doing that with kindness. We were doing it powerfully. And we were doing it with the biggest invitation that we possibly could. Like, come and play. Come and play.”

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Rowan Zeoli

Rowan Zeoli is a journalist from Brooklyn, New York. Her work covers the intersections of gender and niche counterculture, and can be seen in Polygon and Tripsitter, among other publications.

Rowan has written 5 articles for us.

Alexandra Shipp Plays Reneé Rapp’s Girlfriend in New Music Video

Reneé Rapp has dropped another single from her upcoming album Bite Me and with it, a music video in which Barbie Movie’s Alexandra Shipp plays her girlfriend who is the embodiment of the song title: mad.

In the music video, Reneé is dressed like an Old Hollywood diva in furs, a scarf, and sunglasses, while her girlfriend (played by Shipp, who is dressed in a very fashionable suit) brushes off her attention, obviously pissed off at her gal pal. Reneé seems more annoyed at her girlfriend’s anger than apologetic, saying that she’s wasting time being mad…time that they could be spending having sex. While Reneé tries to get her angry beau’s attention, her and her friends also trash a hotel room, Alexandra’s character patently ignoring them and taking an angry phone call. Toward the end of the video, Reneé is swinging from a chandelier and falls, and Alexandra momentarily stops mean mugging to show genuine concern, and from there she looks a bit more bemused by Reneé’s antics than mad. Overall a very cute, fun, gay, and extremely on-brand music video for Miss Rapp.

In an interview with Variety, Alexandra Shipp said, “There’s a lot of things that I thought were going to be on my 2025 bingo card. Being a sexy lesbian video vixen was not on it. I am so honored to be a part of it. And I think that we definitely played off a very hot power couple.”

And I, for one, wholeheartedly agree. Check out the full music video here:


Swing Into More Headlines

+ Maisie Richardson-Sellers tells Out how she fought to make sure her Nine Perfect Strangers character’s queerness felt “full and authentic”

+ The L Word: Gen Q‘s Sepideh Moafi is going to be joining the cast of The Pitt and hopefully gaying up the place a bit

+ Good news, sports gays: the WNBA is expanding to more cities

+ ICYMI, Marvel’s Ironheart is finally here and features some queer actors/characters

+ I Wish You All the Best is a film about a non-binary teen (Corey Fogelmanis) who gets kicked out of their house and moves in with their estranged sister (Alexandra Daddario) and her husband (Cole Sprouse???)

+ Lorde released her full album Virgin, on which she covers topics including embracing “an evolving gender identity”

+ Eva Victor (who uses they/she pronouns) is the writer, director, and star of their independent film about sexual assault “Sorry, Baby” – which also features queer actress Kelly McCormack

+ Sex Education‘s Emma Mackey plays queer and the daughter of lesbian actress Fiona Shaw in the admittedly-unappealingly-named film Hot Milk

+ Sarah Michelle Gellar wants to bring everyone back from the dead (hopefully including the beloved Tara McClay) for the Buffy the Vampire Slayer reboot

+ Also this is more of a “fun fact” than properly a news story, but if you’ve been watching the latest Melanie Scrofano (Wynonna Earp) show Revival and were also confused as to how we went three episodes of a Canadian sci-fi show with no lesbians: Fear not, according to one of the showrunners, they are coming.

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Valerie Anne

Valerie Anne (she/they) a TV-loving, video-game-playing nerd who loves reading, watching, and writing about stories in all forms. While having a penchant for sci-fi, Valerie will watch anything that promises a good story, and especially if that good story is queer.

Valerie has written 656 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. the buffy link is behind a paywall D:

    also when did [i already forget dylan or cole] sprouse become kinda hot?

  2. the Pitt!! Plus sepideh!! ooh yes!

    The Pitt is my favourite new show of the last few years. I’m so happy!

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Every Queer Criterion Closet Video

I’ve loved the Criterion Collection since the summer of 2007 when I got The Red Shoes, Seven Samurai, and Ace in the Hole in a Barnes & Noble buy-two-get-one-free sale. Not only did the home video label allow me to watch a wide range of new films — they also provided so many special features to obsess over as a child who wanted to be a filmmaker.

My love has only increased over the last five years since they became the rare company to hear critiques — including my own — and actually improve. Their vision of the canon used to be so limited and now it has expanded for the benefit of us all!

For many years, their Criterion Closet videos have shown celebrities — often people who are at the offices for one of their films — making selections of the Criterion releases that have meant the most to them or that they most want to check out. It’s such a joy to watch people geek out about movies! And so I’ve gathered all the videos from queer people with some thoughts on their selections.


Agnès Varda

As I discussed a couple weeks ago, yes, Agnès Varda was bisexual. She was also a fan of Girls! I love listening to Varda talk about art and her selections from Campion to Kiarostami to Lena Dunham are excellent. Also The Marriage of Maria Braun is the film that caused me to fall in love with Fassbinder’s work.

Favorite pick: An Angel at My Table (1990)


Andrew Haigh

Visiting the closet with actress Charlotte Rampling, the director of Weekend and All of Us Strangers has such fun banter with his 45 Years lead actress. His picks are also very British! Which I say with minimal judgment! How could a gay British boy not shout out Merchant/Ivory and Sunday Bloody Sunday I suppose.

Favorite pick: Black Narcissus (1947)


Aubrey Plaza

Visiting the closet with her late husband and collaborator Jeff Baena, Plaza’s picks feel very in line with her creative voice from Ghost World to Scenes from a Marriage to Harold and Maude to 3 Women to picking I Married a Witch based on the title and cover art — something I also did once.

Favorite pick: Safe (1995)


Ayo Edebiri

Ayo is a true cinephile!!! This is one of the best of these videos not just because of the picks — which are excellent — but because of how Ayo talks about movies.

Favorite pick: Charade (1963) or To Sleep with Anger (1990) (don’t make me choose)


Bowen Yang

I also really love how the picks are talked about here. And as someone whose favorite John Waters film is Multiple Maniacs, thrilled to see that represent the director. Also very relatable how in the final moments he snags two huge box sets.

Favorite pick: The Complete Films of Agnès Varda


Charlotte Wells

This gets extra points for her quoting Brief Encounter: “I’ve fallen in love. I’m an ordinary woman. I didn’t know such violent things could happen to ordinary people.” And for the confirmation that the final shot of Aftersun was inspired by La Chambre. (I hope Criterion sent her the Chantal Akerman Blu-Ray set once they finally rescued those early films from the Eclipse label.)

Favorite pick: Eclipse 19 Chantal Akerman in the 70s which is now Out of Print so get this even better Akerman set instead


Cheryl Dunye

The first of many closet jokes on this list! So cool hearing Cheryl Dunye talk about Hollis Frampton and the influence of video art and experimental cinema on her work. And her picks overall might be the very best since she snags the Akerman, Varda, and Marlon Riggs sets. Truly cannot put into words how happy it makes me that The Watermelon Woman is finally in the Criterion Collection.

Favorite pick: The Signifyin’ Works of Marlon Riggs


Desiree Akhavan

In this video, Desiree Akhavan talks about taking a directing class with Ira Sachs — more from him later — and being introduced to the films of John Cassavetes. She also talks about the influence of Safe on The Miseducation of Cameron Post. Perfect video.

Favorite pick: Do the Right Thing (1989)


Elegance Bratton

I love the shoutouts here to Douglas Sirk and Melvin Van Peebles. It kind of feels passé to single out Rashomon among Kurosawa’s work but it remains my favorite and I appreciate what Bratton has to say about the film here. Also he shares that The Battle of Algiers is his favorite film of all time which given The Inspection is… interesting!

Favorite pick: The Battle of Algiers (1966) or Some Like It Hot (1959) (simply cannot choose)


Gregg Araki

This is one of those director videos where every pick together makes so much sense for the artist’s voice. Bringing Up Baby meets Twin Peaks Fire Walk with Me meets Pink Flamingos with a dash of Godard.. yeah I’ve seen The Doom Generation!

Favorite pick: Bringing Up Baby (1938)


Hari Nef

Leave it to a trans woman to pick some Almodóvar. Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown is among my favorites and a great pick along with so many other great choices like The Naked Kiss, Grey Gardens, and possibly my all-time favorite Criterion release: the restored edition of The Red Shoes. Also yes shoutout Design for Living, an incredible early throuple movie.

Favorite pick: The Red Shoes (1948)


Ira Sachs

Very relatable to call being in the Criterion Closet an erotic experience. This video also has some fun facts like how Sachs wanted to write about The Killing of a Chinese Bookie in college but Gena Rowlands wouldn’t send him a print so he wrote about Tati’s Playtime. He also shares that Little Men was inspired by Ozu’s I Was Born But… and Good Morning and a scene in Love Is Strange was inspired by a moment in Bergman’s The Magic Flute. Very good picks and a very good video from Passages director and Desiree Akhavan’s professor!

Favorite pick: Charulata (1964)


Isabel Sandoval

“This is the next best thing to transitioning” is an incredible way to start one of these. Picks like The Age of Innocence fit with the swooning romance of Isabel’s work! I also love the idea of spinning around and picking something at random.

Favorite pick: John Cassavetes Five Films or The Complete Films of Agnès Varda


Jaboukie Young-White and River L. Ramirez

A unique video since it’s five comics making their picks at the same time. I think only two are queer but correct me if I’m wrong. Not a ton of deep dives but everyone is having a good time!

Favorite pick: Some Like It Hot (1959)


Janelle Monáe

This is another unique one because icon Janelle Monáe kept her picks all on theme with Halloween. It’s like a fun little film school class on horror and horror-adjacent films taught by the hottest professor you could imagine.

Favorite pick: Eraserhead (1977)


Jenni Olson

I enjoy listening to Jenni talk about movies more than just about anyone. She has great picks here and I especially appreciate the choice of the Louis Malle documentaries Eclipse set, a collection I got when I was way too young that challenged me in the best way.

Favorite pick: Desert Hearts (1985)


Jeremy O. Harris

At eight minutes and nineteen seconds this is by far the longest of these videos, but it’s worth it. “There’s a lot of required to be gay in my opinion and a lot of that required reading is in movies. And a lot of those movies are weird and European.” Yes, agreed. Everyone should make their friends watch Teorema. Also love the reveal that he shares a birthday with the Marquis de Sade. This one is for the Geminis.

Favorite pick: Teorema (1968)


Joel Kim Booster

Despite starting the video saying he has bad taste, his picks are good! I am also thrilled and a bit surprised that The Others is now in the collection. And how could anyone not love The Philadelphia Story?

Favorite pick: In the Mood for Love (2000)


John Early

John Early has been in the Criterion Closet at least twice and I wish there was a video of his visit with Stress Positions director Theda Hammel but we do have this one with Jacqueline Novak. A fun, chaotic energy here and I do love that they stumble upon one of my favorite queer horror movies: The Uninvited. Also it’s the movie I love most that I’m least likely to recommend but I agree that Fat Girl is such a special movie and I’m sorry if you watch it because we’re saying that.

Favorite pick: Fat Girl (2001)


John Waters

The Blob to is so very John Waters and this video does not disappoint with his wide range of picks. I do not share his love for Beyond the Valley of the Dolls but something I love about Waters’ taste is it’s always a mix of work I love and work I do not.

Favorite pick: (1963)


Julia Fox

Pretty sure she is the only person to enter the closet with a briefcase, but she really gets points from me for crying as she talks about Almodóvar. She also does a random pick and ends up with Ugetsu which is such an incredible film to stumble upon!

Favorite pick: All About My Mother (1999)


Julio Torres

Overall such good picks from the creator of Fantasmas, one of the few TV shows I’ve seen in recent years that has made me feel the possibility of art. A mix of humor and horror and idosyncracity that fits right in with his own work. I love the way Where Is the Friend’s Home? and After Hours become in conversation with one another.

Favorite pick: Y Tu Mamá También (2001)


Karyn Kusama

Obsessed with Karyn Kusama going with a theme as specific as “how do we address power, what do we do with power.” Rewatching this video — and watching Visconti’s Rocco and His Brothers for the first time this month — has reminded me I need to get the Criterion edition of The Damned because I’ve owned the same very old DVD for many years and I’m sure the Criterion version is gorgeous. God I love her selections so much and this is probably the video with the most choices I haven’t seen.

Favorite pick: Three Films by Luis Buñuel


Katya Zamolodchikova

I didn’t realize Katya was such a cinephile and this was such a delight to watch a few weeks ago. Starting with a Tarkovsky film and eventually making it to Todd Solondz’s Happiness does feel right for her though.

Favorite pick: Querelle (1982)


Lee Daniels

The Fellini set that Daniels starts with is going to be my next big Criterion purchase. Also more Querelle love here! Daniels describes his taste/inspirations as “a little euro, a little ghetto, a little homo” but then also throws in The Piano a movie that I loved so fiercely for so many years and really need to revisit. (The Paperboy should get a Criterion release.) Woah who said that?

Favorite pick: Essential Fellini


Lily Gladstone and Erica Tremblay

I’m obsessed with Lily Gladstone and Hirokazu Kore-eda becoming pals on the Cannes Jury. After Life was the movie I watched the night before my 30th birthday and it’s a really special one. I haven’t seen Gladstone’s first two picks so I need to change that, but once Erica Tremblay arrives her first pick is Certain Women and God do I love that film and Gladstone in it. Also very cute that they pick movies for each other.

Favorite pick: Certain Women (2016)


Maya Hawke

Imagine your dad was Ethan Hawke. Seems like fun! Their banter here is very sweet and I am also very much a Children of Paradise missionary. I’m dead at the reveal that Ethan Hawke took Uma Thurman to see Husbands on one of their first dates.

Favorite pick: Children of Paradise (1945)


Nathan Lane

Nathan Lane says his husband loves Rififi and that reminds me the two of them happened to be in my theatre for Black Bag. I bet his husband loved it! We’ve had Beyond the Valley of the Dolls gays but finally a Valley of the Dolls gay. I love how many of these he hasn’t seen and he’s just taking based on actors and vibes.

Favorite pick: Mikey and Nicky (1976)


St. Vincent

For some reason St. Vincent isn’t really on my radar anymore, but I was obsessed with her in high school and high school me would’ve melted at her saying, “Oh! Do we have The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant?” I think we should get an update on whether she watched the Chantal Akerman films and what she thought of them, because pretty sure based on her other picks she fell in love.

Favorite pick:  Chantal Akerman Masterpieces, 1968–1978


Todd Haynes

More beautiful Brief Encounter love! Everyone watch Brief Encounter! I always love when people pull out films to mention but then are like “I already have this” like he does. This video could be an hour long and I’d be happy.

Favorite pick: In a Lonely Place (1950)


Trace Lysette

Moonstruck and Love Jones are such incredible romance picks. Also Thelma and Louise lets be honest. I hope Trace did end up watching Satyricon with a joint because that sounds like a perfect experience.

Favorite pick: All About My Mother (1999)


Want to make some purchases of your own? The Barnes & Noble 50% off Criterion sale is now through July 27. Can’t afford to buy? Subscribe to The Criterion Channel or go to your local library!!! The library is how I watched most Criterions as a kid.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 738 articles for us.

4 Comments

  1. Sometimes I decide I really am far too old for this site (and I don’t mean millennial-style “I’m so oooooold”–I am actually on the doorstep of elderly), but then there’s an article like this that I would find nowhere else. This must have been a chore to put together, and this old lady thanks you!

  2. This is so delightful! I’m just booking in my art house cinema movies for the summer so I’ll keep an eye out for ones here I’ve not seen!

    also yes brief encounter my god

Comments are closed.

‘King of Drag’ Embodies Masculinity Icons Steve Irwin, Sylvester Stallone, and Ira Glass

King of Drag is back for its second week and everyone gets a chance to show more of who they are and what they can do. On any competition show, each subsequent episode has less exposition and that’s especially true with a new series.

But this week we do get to start by meeting the kings out of drag. Drag Race really only does this in its final episodes when the queens talk to their younger selves. Here everyone goes around and says their out of drag names and most say their out of drag pronouns. I really appreciated this look at the wide range of people who can be drag kings!

Last week I said Big D was by far the oldest because that’s what he said, but Buck Wylde is almost 50 as well! They’re also both parents and married to men. The show gives them both space to talk about their relationships to gender and performing without trying to put them into easy boxes.

The theme is comedy and Murray’s Somebody Somewhere costar Jeff Hiller is there to coach the kings on improv. The weenie challenge is more of an exercise, one that will be familiar to anyone who did improv in high school. (Dick shares that he briefly did improv in high school to be near a crush which is a gorgeous adolescent experience.) They split into three teams and have to mansplain given topics one word at a time. The kings are not good at this !! As far as I’m concerned, the only king who does this well — listening and injecting comedy — is Big D. But Alexander, Henlo, and Buck Wylde win for at least being relatively in sync.

I don’t mind that the show feels as much like drag king school as it does a competition. An improv game before they have to improv more seriously was nice! Considering how many queens come on Drag Race All Stars still not being able to sew, a mini challenge crash course could probably serve them well. Teacher Jeff gives some key comedy advice: Don’t let the audience know when you screw up.

The beefy challenge this week is The Dong Show, a talent show where the kings have to do their talents while doing celebrity impersonations. They get two hours to prepare — a whole half hour more than last week!

Earlier Perka talks about being autistic, and this whole episode he seems very overwhelmed and insecure. He was an immediate favorite for me, but I fear his anxieties might get the best of him in this competition. Meanwhile, Dick has chilled out a bit since last week and I like him a lot more. And speaking of anxiety, Murray shares with Charles that the way he used to conquer stage fright was to engage directly with the audience.

We also get some moments of Dick talking about sobriety, Pressure K talking about having PCOS, and Buck talking about attending Catholic school.

Joining Jeff and the regular judges — Tenderoni, Sasha Velour, and Wang Newton — is another Somebody Somewhere costar Bridget Everett!

The celebrity impressions are Buck as the devil, Big D as Sylvester Stallone, Dick as Steve Irwin, Henlo as Jack Black, Molasses as Ira Glass, Charles as Nosferatu, Perka as Steve Urkel, Alexander as Justin Bieber, and Pressure K as Rick Ross. They all start off talking to Murray and then one by one do their performances followed by some questions from the judges.

Buck struggles and I think part of it is doing something like the devil is really hard. I get the appeal if impressions aren’t your thing, but I think we’ve learned from Drag Race that abstract impressions are even harder. Alexander has the look and is talented at dancing but there’s just no humor. Big D as Stallone trying to fold a fitted sheet is very funny but here’s where I nitpick… it bothers me when people do celebrity impressions but are just impersonating one of their characters. Stallone is not Rocky Balboa! If you’re impersonating Rocky then be Rocky! Henlo has the same problem! Playing the trombone with his feet was impressive but he was very specifically doing School of Rock which wasn’t even necessary because Jack Black was in a band.

Dick was one of the standouts especially with the improv. I thought they could’ve incorporated the brass instruments into their performance and a bit more organically but the banter with Murray and the judges was sharp. And then there’s Molasses. I’m curious how many of the kings are jealous, how many are horny, and how many are both. Ira Glass is such a funny choice for Molasses and also very smart because Glass talks so slowly that it allowed Molasses whose strength isn’t improv to have time to respond well. Also he did push ups! In a sleeveless shirt! I asked for horny and I got it.

I thought Charles as Nosferatu was so funny. His recitation of “What Does the Fox Say” as a poem wasn’t maybe the best choice for the character, but all his improv moments killed me. I also thought Pressure K was great as Rick Ross and his ribbon performance was very funny.

Sadly, Perka struggles a lot. Mostly because he changes from Urkel into Sonic which was baffling until he later explains that’s because Jaleel White voiced Sonic something he thought was common knowledge. Alas not for me or the judges! And once the joke didn’t land, his insecurity got the best of him and he kind of fell apart.

Charles, Pressure K, and Henlo are all safe. The tops are Big D, Dick, and Molasses. The bottoms are Buck, Alexander, and Perka. I thought the win would go to Dick to spread the love, but nope Molasses was the clear winner and he wins again!

The Final Thrust this week is one minute of stand up. Buck is doing okay but doesn’t time it well so doesn’t get to say his big punchline. Perka does pretty good even if it feels more like a roast than standup. I did think it was funny how everyone groaned when he said being a trans guy and a drag king have a lot in common since people call both male impersonation. Let the trans guy make a joke! Don’t groan to prove your ally bonafides!

With a four to one vote, Perka is saved and Buck says goodbye. Now I just need Perka to get some confidence!


Showbiz! Here are some random thoughts:

+ I didn’t mention this last time but the opening credits are really fun. My screener doesn’t have finished credits but I want to look up who designed them.

+ Alexander says he wants to save more of his talents for later in the competition and no that’s a bad idea! Give it all from the top!

+ Jeff says that Rocky didn’t win and Big D says yes he did and Jeff admits to not having seen Rocky. But Jeff was right?? In the first Rocky, he does not win!

+ I appreciate the standard of drag Sasha is holding them to as a judge. Even though Big D was in the top, she critiques him for his beard falling off.

+ King I’m rooting for: Molasses (even though he does not need it)

+ King I’m horniest for: Molasses

+ King I want to appreciate himself more: Perka

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Related:

Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 738 articles for us.

7 Comments

  1. Can someone post a link to the Season 2 survey? There is a QR code that displays to take a survey for Season 2, but my fone cant take fotos so I cant access the link with only a QR code.

  2. omg i love this Everything Everywhere — I mean Somebody Somewhere! cast reunion!! I love that sweet show and it’s so nice to see them all together and clearly friends <3 :,)

  3. I’m loving this show so much so far! Thoughts about this episode:
    -The highlight was seeing the Somebody, Somewhere crew back together on my TV 😭
    -I feel like combining a talent challenge and impersonation challenge was maybe too much, for the episode and for the kings? I would have loved to see their individual talents showcased first, so the kings could demonstrate how their talents complement their drag personas. And then they could have a separate challenge for the impersonations later in the season. (Just like Drag Race does it…😬)
    -While Buck was doing the Devil, I kept thinking of Trinity the Tuck doing Satan in the All Star’s Season 7 Snatch Game episode (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wrJQhI1lQw). Conceptual can be funny, but you need a specific take!
    -Speaking of Drag Race, I keep wondering what this show would be like without Drag Race setting the blueprint. Impossible to say, but I would love to see this show evolve more into its own thing in future seasons. (Manifesting more seasons for them!!)
    -Molasses and Dick: call me?

  4. Big D’s set had me in TEARS i get the facial hair was coming off but i will now be laughing my ass off every time i fold fitted sheets

  5. I do agree with your comment about being annoyed when people do impressions of a character not the actor (it’s annoyed me since Ben De La Creme’s Maggie Smith so I have held this grudge for YEARS) but am I right in thinking part of the reason they have to do this is because of copyright risk for copyrighted characters?

Comments are closed.

Quiz: Which Queer Discourse Are You?

It’s pride weekend and I hope you’re out celebrating with friends and NOT fighting with strangers on the internet. But if I learned one thing from Sarah Schulman’s early novels it’s that queer discourse has existed since before online spaces. You just used to have to knock on someone’s door to let them know you no longer consider them part of your community.

But have you ever wondered which common queer discourse is most like you? Which of these endless arguments shares your essence? Well, now you can find out by pausing the in-fighting and taking this quiz!


Which Queer Discourse Are You?

Who are you most likely to discourse with?(Required)
When are you most likely to discourse?(Required)
Which of these astrological signs do you identify with most either in other people or yourself?(Required)
Pick a recent Autostraddle article:(Required)
Pick an underrated queer movie (that you probably haven’t seen) based on the title:(Required)
Who would you most want to celebrate Pride with?(Required)
Who would you least want to celebrate Pride with?(Required)
How would you most want to celebrate Pride?(Required)
Which of these supernatural creatures shouldn’t be allowed at Pride?(Required)
What’s your favorite part of being queer?(Required)

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 738 articles for us.

7 Comments

  1. Is Marriage Heternormative!!

    You have no idea how accurate this is for me, because one of the first thoughts I had after realising I was gay in the mid 90s was “thank god I don’t have to get married.”

    Obvs in the intervening 30 years I’ve realised legal protections are kind of important, but I remain baffled at all the hetero-style gay weddings that abound. Discoursify me at your peril!!!!!

  2. Bury Your Gays!

    Hah! I don’t care much about this particular trope but I’m feeling pretty seen / called out by the description:

    Yes, it’s a trope, but it’s also a discourse! And at the core of this discourse is a love of fiction and a belief in its power. You share that love and that belief. You’re someone who is as invested in people on-screen and on the page as you are real life. You can sometimes get lost in your fantasy space, but there are worse places to wander.

  3. No Cops at Pride!

    Thank the Gods I got something simple and clear cut, I don’t think I could handle much more.

    (And thank you for including the option to ban fairies from Pride. I feel seen!)

  4. I got kink at pride and I feel so seen 💛💛💛💛 Seen just like my full on bare tits and my snazzy leather harness may be ~seen~ by people attending various dyke marches throughout the country.

  5. You are Can Trans Men Be Lesbians!

    You are a logical, intellectual person. You view the world through facts and find meaning in organization. Is that not what’s happening on both sides of this discourse? One group says “lesbian means women who love women so logically men can’t be lesbians”, while another correct group says “actually your dictionary is wrong, open up a history book instead.”

    I.. I’m gonna use another “problematic” refence to explain this but.. Drew you have have no scope headshot me with this one and I’m honored. I’m also literally in Romania because I need to push that metaphor even further and I cannot stress how much of a callout this is to me personally.

Comments are closed.

What’s a Normal Human Behavior That Gives You the Ick?

Listen, did we have a little TOO MUCH FUN ranting about our various icks? Maybe so. And now you can have some fun with us, too, delving into the various things that give us pause, squick us out, and just straight up annoy or piss us off. Also, hopefully this goes without saying, but we’re mostly having silly good fun here! Don’t take it too seriously! And please, tell us YOUR icks! Let it all out!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Related:

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1049 articles for us.

the team

auto has written 790 articles for us.

9 Comments

  1. Most of these focus on things people do that are being inflicted on others by dint of us all being crushed alongside each other and trying to rub along on things like public transport.

    However, I laughed out loud at:

    only doing cardio and not strength training
    Like, what? Unless this is someone painstakingly detailing their workout (in itself annoying) how hard would you have to work to get this ick, are you stalking people at the gym and checking their medical history?

  2. “The biggest problem with the US is that everyone is too divided/polarized” and other sanctimonious centrist sentiments (alternatively, people who proudly read the New York Times, Atlantic, or Wall Street Journal). Also people who are afraid of/hostile towards birds, bats, insects, or other non-human lifeforms.

  3. Oh I love these and so glad to see AI ick popping up in multiple places! And Ashni is so right with “we” for couples and I have a reverse ick for that also! Multiple times new potential friends have invited me to a hang/event and then been like “hey could [partners name] not make it?” surprised that an invite only expressed to and about me wasn’t just assumed to include them! It’s exactly as you say – why WOULD I assume they were invited when you say “you’re invited to my 30th bday/house party/movie viewing”?? Sorry I’m a unit now who must always sense the plural “you” with my mind.

  4. I Dunno Jackie off or PDA? But that’s not normal it wierd. In appropriate kiss on cheek

  5. Not having ANY taste in music, or listen to “just what’s on the radio.” And I don’t mean they have to like one genre or band over another, they just don’t care about music at all. Don’t read fiction or books in general? Might have attention difficulties or dyslexia. Same goes for movies, or television. But music? Not even something completely generic like Ed Sheeran? It’s like you’ve told me you don’t have a soul! If you listened to something problematic, you’d still have a soul, just a bad one.

  6. I have a an intense ick for Princesses and Brats : I use this word as gender neutral for people with too many icks (and who are very vocal about them)! Those who feel entitled to tell you how you should speak, behave, take you hostage with their emotions to silent or control you . I mean, if what i do have zero impact on you, why should you scold me about it ? 9 times out of 10 those people have class privilege or they’re white. In queer or activist circles, they use the safe spaces as an excuse to dictate absurd rules and foster purity and call out culture.
    I am still working on getting rid of the internalized sexism and racism which controls my body, so don’t tell me to not sneeze or lick my fingers, that’s ridiculous and it sounds like your problem not mine !

  7. Abuse, my abuser, anyone in contact with my abuser or in my abuser’s circle. Friends, work, acquaintances, doesn’t matter. I can’t have connection with you.

    Some of the abuse took place online and there are people here and everywhere that share mannerisms like the abuser. I really can’t be that active online. Or in person.

    I’ve lost so many people and fail to make new connections because I struggle to tolerate the ‘normal human behaviors’ that my abuser had. I’ve had lots of mental health support but it is still difficult.

    Forever lost

  8. My ick is When straight women younger than 50 use “girlfriend” to mean a friend who is a a girl. If you don’t enjoy sleeping with her, she’s not your gf, she’s just a friend, maybe even a best friend. Save gf for romance.

    • The feeling when both your mom and her mother have done this your whole life.

      Normalizing the word “girlfriend” as an exclusively friendship term and never a romantic term.

      Growing up in this environment.
      Not confusing at all. 🙃

Comments are closed.

AF+ Crossword Is Not So Odd

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Emet Ozar

Emet is a queer and genderqueer program manager, crossword constructor, and married parent to four children.

Emet has written 59 articles for us.

Rachel

Rachel is a queer crossword constructor, writer, and bioethicist.

Rachel has written 19 articles for us.

‘And Just Like That’ Has Become Unforgivably Boring

The thing about rich people problems is that I am open to them! I am open to the soapy scandals and the endless themed fundraiser galas. I love Beverly Hills 90210, The O.C., Bel-Air, Succession, Big Little Lies, Pretty Little Liars, White Lotus. The copious wealth of the characters in these universes and the scenarios this wealth affords them can certainly be interesting, and their freedom from the slings and arrows of financial restraint opens up their calendar to entertain all kinds of activities the rest of us cannot. The original series was made possible entirely by Carrie Bradshaw’s ability to spend all her time dating and eating brunch and only a few hours a week working (writing a column about dating). How lovely! For her, and for us!

Her current storyline with Aidan is also enabled by unspoken wealth — she can chill in their shared mansion, waiting for him to be ready for her while he, on his own Virginia estate, can devote himself completely to his son’s well-being. They are not encumbered by work or by the need to make concrete plans for the future, like people who need to split rent and maintain stable employment are. There are many things about Carrie and Aidan’s relationship that confuses me, but that aspect of it I have simply accepted, like so many other things we accept in the world of “gay men playing with female paper dolls” known as Sex and the City / And Just Like That.

Which brings me, at long last, to this week’s episode.


This week’s episode was chock-full of tedious rich people problems but ones that were not interesting or exciting, just annoying and un-relatable! The episode’s A Plot, bafflingly enough, concerns Carrie’s downstairs neighbor — a novelist who writes at night and sleeps during the day — requesting she stop walking around her home alone all day in high heels. Why is a 55-year-old woman walking around her own home in high heels to begin with? Has she not considered the musculoskeletal repercussions of this behavior!!?

man yelling at carrie

I KNOW you’re making multiple hot dogs a day because the HOT DOG WATER is leaking through the floor onto my face!

carrie bradshaw opening the door

Mister, if you wanted a hot dog you could’ve just said so

When Duncan first arrives on her doorstep to register this complaint, Carrie explains that she’s yet to find a rug that truly speaks to her, but as soon as she does, the noise of her indoor heels will surely be sufficiently muffled. Duncan explains his own privileged situation: he spends half the year in London, enjoying life, and the other half in New York City, writing. It is bold to expect your neighbors to abide your unnecessarily nocturnal work schedule BUT, Carrie’s position is far bolder!

If she was a musician who had to practice sometimes, or perhaps a person who wants to do some aerobic exercises for 25 minutes in the afternoon a few times a week, or a person who sometimes has loud sex, or a person who has a party once a month — these are the machinations of everyday life. These are the things we must sometimes endure, as humans living in crowded cities with other humans. The things I have endured!

But nobody needs to walk around their home alone in high heels by themselves all day long! At brunch, Carrie’s friend’s are more entertained by her situation than I am.

Carrie: “He asked me to take off my heels.”
Charlotte: “To play devil’s advocate, taking your shoes off at home is more sanitary.”
Carrie: “To play the Devil Wears Prada’s advocate, I have rights, a woman’s right to shoes.”

The conversational tide turns when it’s revealed that he’s the novelist who wrote a very long book about one of the King Henrys that Miranda read in one weekend and Harry has been reading for three years. Miranda boldly encourages Carrie to compromise so that Duncan can finish his next book so she can read it.

Miranda sucking on her straw while Seems looks at her purse

You know I really do feel like this soda water might have a little bit of poison in it

Miranda says that “according to Goodreads,” Duncan has writer’s block. I’m sorry but what Goodreads is this? Anyhow, Miranda can relate to Duncan ’cause in her West Village AirBnB she has a neighbor who plays loud music.

Also, Carrie tells her friends that she has let go of expectations with Aidan, probably because she is afraid that Aidan’s son is going to murder her with a pickaxe in her sleep if Duncan doesn’t do it first. Then Charlotte says she doesn’t know what she’d do without having Harry there with her in her life every single minute. After she said that, I was emotionally prepared, when we transitioned into a scene of Charlotte and Harry going for a walk at night, for a grand piano to fall off a crane and smash him into a million pieces outside the Getty Center while their dog howled at the moon, but instead what happens is that Harry reveals that he has prostate cancer but that they caught it early so everything will be okay and he will survive. He asks Charlotte to keep it a secret from everybody which will obviously push Charlotte over the edge!

charlotte and harry on a walk

He didn’t say the entire idea of putting a little picture of your dog on a leather purse was inherently flawed, just that it’s not what they’re ready to bring to market at this time

Let’s go back to Carrie’s dilemma, however, as it eventually intersects with Miranda’s, and Miranda is the lesbian we’re all here to discuss. Carrie brings Duncan a ‘welcome wagon’ basket, curated from her favorite local merchants. He’s uninterested in the neighborhood because he is brooding and can afford to live in New York despite not wanting to enjoy all the city has to offer. He gives Carrie a present too: slippers from Amazon Prime. It’s so cute!

Carrie at Duncan's door

It is I, a messenger from Prince Harry and King David

Miranda’s Air BnB host refuses to help Miranda with the noisy neighbor situation due to him violating his lease by Air BnBing it to begin with. Miranda finds a temporary fix after slipping a written request for a volume lowering under her neighbor’s door, but soon enough he’s back at it.

miranda with a glass of water

Once again Miranda felt that the glass of water in her hand potentially contained something far more sinister than the actual water she’d been promised

Carrie invites Miranda to come shack up with her at her 17-room Gramercy Park mansion, currently only occupied by a small cat, several hat-boxes, a bed, a tiny kitchen table, and Carrie herself, walking around in stilettos composing texts to Aidan she will never send. Miranda declines, attesting she’s an old lady who needs her own space. (Which technically seems available, even at Carrie’s, due to its expansive nature.) Miranda asks Carrie if she can ask Seema to find her a new apartment because Miranda’s real estate agent is “lame” (???!) but Carrie doesn’t want to mix friends and business, although Seema is Carrie’s real estate agent. I suspect there are other Air BnBs in the world but who am I but a writer who wasn’t hired to write this, or any, television show.

Miranda once again traverses the wasteland of her building to slip her neighbor a note, but this time he cannot abide:

naked man with knife

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BORROW MY VERY SHARP KNIFE

miranda shock

Heavens that’s the most glorious sharp knife i have ever seen

Thus, Miranda agrees to move in temporarily with Carrie, just like when they were freewheeling twentysomethings on Bond Street. As Miranda moves in, so does a special gift from Aidan: the table Carrie wanted! Turns out he’d bought it himself before sending the thumbs-down emoji, and that’s why it wasn’t available. This is actually cute.

Miranda borrows a scarf from Carrie and goes to Joy’s for their “first sleepover” which begins with them standing facing each other kissing like middle schoolers playing spin the bottle except slightly less erotic. Joy’s greyhounds are leering at them so Joy puts them out of the room so the makeout can continue. This scene lasts about 45 seconds because the episode needed as much room as possible for Carrie’s shoes.

Miranda and Joy observe each other

Admit it, you want to see my wild cunt

Due to Joy’s dogs, Miranda ends up not sleeping over, which we learn because Carrie’s shocked to run into a naked Miranda in her mansion later that evening. That’s all we end up hearing about that!

In the morning, Carrie’s appalled to see Miranda sitting at her tiny breakfast table, eating Carrie’s yogurt and Carrie’s banana, which is honestly also very bold roommate behavior! Go to the bodega and get your own yogurt and banana you absolute weirdo! This is like a Seinfeld episode but not funny.

miranda eating her yogurt

Carrie don’t look now but there’s a man in your backyard with a foot-long hot dog and a jar of sauerkraut and he looks absolutely furious

Their blissful cohabitation is further disturbed when Miranda does her work all over the new table from Aidan while drinking Carrie’s last Mexican Coke (Which why would she do that? Get your own Coke when you ordered your food? Everybody knows not to take the last of anything from someone else’s fridge?) which of course spills, which then Miranda mops up with Carrie’s expensive scarf, and again, what and why and howforth what are we doing with our wild and precious lives on this earth!

miranda and carrie in a fight

You told me Samantha moved to London but it says here she just didn’t want to be on the show!!

Seema is present for the Table Incident which’s my opportunity to tell you that this episode her storyline is that she needs a loan to start her real estate empire, insists that a Mercedes and a personal driver are necessary elements of her business plan, and believes the low-level bank employee who she submits her paperwork to should somehow assure loan approval because she is a woman and Seema is a woman and isn’t this, ultimately, what our foremothers burned their bras for? So Seema could get a loan to start her real estate empire?!?!!

Anyhow, great news: Seema will be Miranda’s real estate agent because Carrie and Miranda agree that living together isn’t working out. Seema’s first sale is already in the pipeline!

Seema and Carrie in the kitche n

And Just Like That, Seema wished Carrie had a sofa so she could lie down

Down in the garden, Seema smokes a cigarette with Adam Gardens who asks her if she’s ever tried yoga. So that’s neat!


Speaking of women, let me tell you about what Charlotte and Lisa are up to this episode: GLAMPING at Collective Governors Island, a private six-acre retreat encircled by private, car-free parkland, where 29 upscale tents and private suites open to skyline views and harbor breezes, offering visitors a chance to unplug with wood-grilled flavors, luxurious spa experiences and sunset cocktails.

Unfortunately nobody seems to actually want to go glamping, especially Lily.  “Lily you are spending the weekend with your family end of story,” Charlotte tells her heartbroken daughter. “I am sure you can make up this time with your polyamorous polysexual boyfriend some other weekend.” Charlotte insists Harry’s the one itching to glamp because she is worried that he will die and they will regret not spending the weekend together as a family:

charlotte talking to her family

Ok I don’t want to be weird but do you guys all have a group chat without me?

cahrlotte's family in the tent

[typing]

Lisa’s husband doesn’t want to go Glamping either and says Lisa didn’t tell him about the Glamping and this will interfere with his city comptroller “regular guy” photoshoot. Lisa says they can take plenty of relatable photos on their trip, like this one:

the wexley family glamping

Everybody say “CHEESE PLATE!”

Furthermore, he’s upset that Lisa’s new editor is a Hotty McDreamypants. Fortunately they are married with children and even though LTW admits to Charlotte that she’s got a little crush, it will be okay. Just like Harry I hope ’cause they can’t kill anyone else on this show! Immediately upon arrival at the Glamping Site, Herbert busts out the s’mores equipment. It is three in the afternoon! Too early for s’mores. Nobody understands anything.

“There’s chocolate in the gift shop!” Charlotte yells. “It’s chocolate, not cancer!”

Lily glamping

FACT: Black bears can smell a salami from five miles away.

Also Rock is a vegan now but she misses cheese.


In conclusion, Carrie texts Samantha Jones who says Duncan is supposed to be a lot of fun, which Carrie is not so sure about. She goes to the garden to tell Adam Gardens what a good job he is doing and then Duncan lights his house on fire and Carrie puts it out with her heels and says, “aren’t you glad I’m wearing heels?” There were multiple ways to put out the fire but ok.

carrie looking serious

Only she can prevent basement fires

Thus Carrie and Duncan head out for a little bite to eat and they finally bond as writers — because he’s out of his comfort zone writing a book about a woman, and she’s out of her comfort zone writing historical fiction. When it’s all said and done, everyone has food, shelter, and the love and support of their dearest friends. And I don’t know, maybe we had more fun at the comedy concert?

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3338 articles for us.

‘Ponyboi’ Is a Crime Drama with Cowboys, Springsteen, and an Intersex Lead

This review of Ponyboi was originally published as part of our Sundance 2024 coverage. 


The thing you need to know about Ponyboi is that it’s so fucking fun.

It’s true writer and star River Gallo has crafted a movie with intersex representation unlike anything we’ve seen before. It’s true there is an emotional arc of an intersex sex worker struggling to forgive his family for the surgeries forced upon him as a child. It’s true the film is filled with a range of violence and heartbreak.

But, my God, is this film FUN.

The brilliance of Ponyboi — an expansion of Gallo’s short film of the same name — is the way it wraps itself in both a romantic fantasy and a delicious crime story. You can see the beats one might expect from a Sundance film focusing on an underrepresented identity. But they’re presented with laughs and gasps and eroticism.

Ponyboi is about an intersex person named Ponyboi (Gallo) who works as a sex worker out of a laundromat owned by pimp/drug dealer Vinny (Dylan O’Brien). Vinny is about to have a baby with Ponyboi’s best friend Angel (Victoria Pedretti), but Vinny and Ponyboi are also fucking on the side. Vinny is trying to get Ponyboi to switch from testosterone to estrogen and to get his tits done — less because that’s something Ponyboi wants and more because it would be good for business.

On Valentine’s Day, Ponyboi’s melancholy life is upended when Vinny’s shitty latest batch gets them in trouble with some gangsters. Ponyboi wants to run away — possibly with sexy cowboy Bruce (Murray Bartlett) — but first he needs to refill his hormones. All before Vinny or the gangster catch up with him.

The genre conventions aren’t just a way to serve an ignorant audience intersex knowledge. Gallo, director Esteban Arango, and the entire cast are having a blast playing in this world. O’Brien is alternately hilarious and terrifying as a cliché Jersey boy and Pedretti is alternately hilarious and heartbreaking as a cliché Jersey girl. All the gangsters flounce around with the subtlety of a Tarantino movie. And Bartlett is a fantasy of masculinity come to life. All of these ingredients combine for a plot that may not be original outside of its lead, but does always remain tight and propulsive.

The first scene with Bartlett is especially wonderful as his cowboy Bruce and Ponyboi flirt over a shared Jersey love of Bruce Springsteen. Their duet of “I’m On Fire” that could have been trite, feels only hot and sweet with performers this talented.

There are multiple ways to read the reality of the action on-screen. I love that the film lives in the fantasy space without over-explaining. Is Bruce a fiction? Maybe. Is he any more fictional than the crime plot of Ponyboi’s life? Not really. Are these genre conventions any more absurd than the horror movie of operating on children to conform their bodies to socially constructed ideas of gender? No.

Reminiscent of the Wachowskis’ Bound, Ponyboi is a queer cinema genre pastiche that understands a movie can be artful, emotional, and incredibly entertaining.

My only complaint is that Springsteen’s “Pony Boy” doesn’t play over the end credits. But that’s okay — “I’m On Fire” is better anyway.


Ponyboi is now in theatres.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 738 articles for us.

5 Comments

  1. Can’t wait!!!!!! Just read Middlesex and am eagerly seeking genuine intersex narratives instead of appropriated fictions

  2. Sold on the headline and deck alone! Looking forward to coming back and reading the rest once I’ve managed to see it.

Comments are closed.

My Boyfriend Doesn’t Trust Me to Party at Pride This Year

Is he cutting you off from community, or are these merely the consequences of your own actions? LET’S FIND OUT.

Q

Last Pride I got wasted and made out with a girl at a queer party.  I’d gone to the party without my boyfriend because I didn’t want to be the girl who brought her boyfriend to a girl party and well I knew I would have more fun without him, not feeling like I had to make him feel included in something that’s not really for him. But then I was so messy I had to call him to pick me up. I told him what happened and he was pretty hurt and we had a lot to work through but got back to a good place. I felt awful for hurting him and I’ve gotten my shit together since then, that was the last time I got wasted for example, now I never have more than a few drinks. Pride has come around again and he doesn’t want me going to any parties like I did last year, without him. I brought him to a brunch and to the parade, but when it comes to the night parties I just decided not to go at all, but I feel really sad about it. I understand that he’s triggered by it, but it feels like he’s cutting me off from community that means a lot to me? Should I just accept the consequences of my actions or push back?

A

Summer: The one time I cheated on a partner was under very similar circumstances. A night out. Exciting and interesting people. A tipsy make-out session. And yes, followed by the horror of disclosing it to my partner and watching our relationship be forever changed by the violation of trust.

From one person who’s cheated to another: I don’t think your boyfriend is in the wrong for wanting you to avoid the circumstances that allowed you to cheat once. You’re not a victim. You’re experiencing the consequences of decisions that led to a violation of trust. And while I do believe that anyone is capable of change (including us cheaters), it’s hardly unreasonable of the people we most pointedly hurt to not want a repeat event.

I recognize and believe in the work you’ve done since then regarding alcohol and personal reflection. That’s exactly how we reform ourselves. By doing the work. That work also includes accommodating the needs and comfort of the person we harmed. In your case, it means not going to the nighttime parties. Pride can be celebrated in countless ways. You’ve done the parade and brunch. There are other options to connect with your queer community, and the loss of one celebratory avenue does not deprive you of access to Pride entirely. I firmly believe that if you wish to rebuild that goodwill with your boyfriend, his feelings in this area are important.

Valerie:  I think you should ask yourself, why are the night parties important to you? Like Summer said, there are other ways to connect to your queer community, with AND without your boyfriend, that don’t have to include night parties at Pride. Do you want to go because you WANT to make out with more girls? If so, this might be something to dig into about yourself; maybe you’re not as willing to be in a monogamous relationship with your boyfriend as you thought. Maybe it’s something you have to reflect on with yourself, and maybe even discuss with him. I personally hate the idea of someone disallowing you to do anything, as an adult person with autonomy, but I do think you have to consider what’s more important to you, respecting the boundaries he’s set to make him feel comfortable and secure in the relationship, or going to these Pride night parties. It’s okay if the answer is the latter, but it’s less okay to resent the boundaries your past choices have led him to feel he has to put in place.

Eva: I have to agree with Summer and Valerie. Trust has been broken between you and your boyfriend. He is totally valid for feeling a way about you going right back into the environment where you cheated. Pride parties are fun and they can be freeing spaces, but it’s more than a nighttime affair. Like Valerie said, if you really feel compelled to go to the night parties, interrogate why. If your relationship is not fulfilling to the point that you want to go against his boundary, then you need to do some more self-reflection.

Nico: I agree with Summer that it’s reasonable of your boyfriend to not want a complete repeat of the circumstances in which you cheated last year. You mention that you’d have more fun at the parties without your boyfriend, and I think it would be valuable to explore if there’s anything more here than just his sexual orientation. Do you generally not have fun with him at parties? Do you want to be flirting with other people? Do you wish you had the freedom to do whatever you wanted without having to consider the needs of a partner? As in: is there something that this desire is telling you about something in your relationship or unmet needs you might have? If yes, that’s worth exploring outside of this context, even if it leads you to some uncomfortable conclusions.

And if it is really about the parties, and you want to go, maybe a good compromise is for your boyfriend to don his best Straight Ally attire and go with you to the night parties, anyway. That is, if he consents and wants to. It sounds like he’s been fine at the parade and at brunch, so I don’t see why a queer night party would be too, too different. Even though you mention it not really being for him, I can guarantee you he’s not the only Straight Ally Boyfriend making an appearance at Pride parties this year. While straight people should not be infiltrating Pride parties en masse, I think you can make your own choices about your plus one.

Finally, this just might be a year without the night parties, if you conclude that you’re going to prioritize your boyfriend’s comfort this go round and he doesn’t want to tag along.  After all, it’s true that he’s not the one who cheated, so it is considerate to take his feelings into account. However, I would encourage you to talk with your boyfriend about how long this boundary will last, because it’s not reasonable for it to last forever just for a makeout, in my opinion.

Riese: These answers are so interesting to me! I do think it would be really kind of you to not go. Like that would be a nice thing you could do for your boyfriend to show him that you don’t want him to spend the evening wrecked with anxiety. But I don’t think he can tell you that you can’t go. Either you’ve been forgiven or you haven’t, either he trusts you now or he doesn’t. I’d understand if it was a few weeks later or something but it has been a year, and you’ve changed your drinking behavior.. Although honestly now reading all these answers I am like, maybe I was wrong to apply this to my past relationships where I was cheated on and felt like it would be too controlling to tell the cheater not to continue to be around the same scenarios or people?! It just seemed like either you forgive someone or you don’t, right? Not that this ever really worked out for me….


Ok but who’s the real activist here??

Q

So, my wife and I are pretty in sync politically, mostly. The one big thing we differ on is showing up to protests, which came to a head this past weekend for the No Kings protest. She was burned out from her workweek (she’s an elementary school teacher and it was their last week of classes for the regular school year) and just wanted to relax and unwind. Her sister had invited us over to their pool, and that sounded way better to her. She says that being an elementary school teacher makes her feel like she’s really contributing to society, and maybe the reason I feel like I have to be at every protest is because my job doesn’t give back. It’s true that I work for a huge, pretty awful corporation, I do enjoy the work because I like the people I work with, and I enjoy that the pay makes it possible for us to live well and for her to be a teacher. So, she went to the pool and I went to the protest with some friends. But then we had a big fight about all of this when we got back. I wonder, isn’t progressives sitting by the pool while the world burns like, how fascist dictatorships sneak in and take over? What do you think?

A

Eva: Being a schoolteacher is a major way to give back to the world and the community. I also think it is fair for you to be critical about why she does not want to be more involved. That said, going to protests can be a very frightening thing for people especially if they have never gone before. I want to name that in case that is a reservation for you and if it is something that you two have not discussed. Your wife may very well be scared, and that is valid and real. Also while it is important that we all get our rest as we continue this fight, you are right in your dissonant feelings as you protest and she lays out poolside. Going to the pool instead of finding another way to be politically engaged is not comparable. There are many ways to stay engaged and support sociopolitical causes without physically going to a protest. Some of these ways include going to candlelight vigils for those detained by ICE, brutalized by law enforcement and/or murdered by the powers that be. As a schoolteacher, she can join the teacher’s union of the nearest large city and even engage her students in worthwhile political education, whether that be class discussions, hanging up posters that support certain causes and/or bringing reading materials written by diverse authors into the classroom. It’s important to note that some of these options may or may not be possible for her to do depending on her school district. If being a teacher is her way of being engaged, then she needs to not only talk that talk but walk that walk. I encourage you to bring some of these things up with her. Tread lightly because it is all too easy to offend people when you might be harboring resentment. Wishing you both all the best as you navigate these murky waters.

Summer: Well, us lefties sure aren’t beating the allegations that we’re more committed to fighting amongst ourselves than the opposition.

What I see is that you both have a belief in shaping society to your vision of common good. That’s a great thing. I think you’re already approaching the topic that everyone has different circumstances and means that determine how we can affect change in the world. That’s what I’d sit on: during this past month, you both did things that serve the good you want to see in this world. There’s no tier list of the impact or ‘goodness’ of activism. Activism and social change are exhausting to affect and no person can be committed to the cause 24/7. I don’t think a fight was necessary, nor do I think choosing to take a break from work rather than protest was a morally questionable decision.

During WWII, the most destructive armed conflict in human history, there were countless acts of resistance against the antagonists. Some people fought in the war itself. Some people incorrectly marked dipsticks to sabotage Nazi vehicles. Some protested peacefully. Some marked property with graffiti. Some transmitted coded messages. Some harbored fugitives. Given the nature of the war, every single one of these acts of resistance placed the participants at extreme risk. And in hindsight, none of them can be ranked above the other. People took part in the resistance that their circumstances permitted.

While the consequences for your resistance aren’t nearly as dire, I think the principle applies. You both believe in the shared cause and are doing your parts. The collective cause you believe in doesn’t benefit from infighting or resentment from within. Nor will something as nebulous as your freedoms and rights ever remember what you did to preserve them. Only that you tried something.

Valerie Anne: I’m basically going to just be reiterating things Eva and Summer said, I think there are so many different ways to protest besides showing up in person to physical protests. There are a lot of people who CAN’T physically attend protests—because of physical or mental limitations, job limitations, logistical issues, etc—that you would never accuse of not participating in the general resistance effort. Is your wife posting on social media, participating in any boycotts, signing petitions or emailing/calling local representatives, voting in local elections? Is she using her position as a queer person in the educational system to stand up for what she believes in, engaging in discussion with coworkers and school boards, pushing back against book bans, etc? Because I highly doubt, if your political beliefs align the way you say they do, that she is doing NOTHING besides going to the pool. Hell, even queer joy is a form of resistance in this current political climate. I think it’s awesome that you’re willing and able to attend protests; they ARE a vital part of resisting and making real, effective change. But it’s not the ONLY way, and accusing people who don’t go to protests of not being as committed to the cause is reductive and harmful. I am a theater nerd so I can’t help myself and have to quote Hamilton here to sum up my point: “This war is hard enough without infighting.”

Sa’iyda: I had a really strong visceral reaction to this question! This was a conversation that took place in my house very recently. My wife was very adamant about going to a protest and wanting us to go as a family. I’m not the type of person who feels comfortable at protests, and I have been going through some hardcore mental health struggles due to burnout, which made me feel uncomfortable about being in public. And given that we live in LA, I was feeling extra cautious, especially because we have an 11-year-old. I argued that there are multiple ways to show up for our community; I do a lot of volunteer work at our kid’s school, which is in a marginalized neighborhood. Showing up and being there felt like a good contribution for me, and I was willing to donate money to funds or find other ways we could get involved. But my wife was firm about wanting to go to the protest. Ultimately, I decided to go, and we put parameters on our participation. And if I’m being honest, I was miserable the entire time due to my mental state. Actively showing up at a protest isn’t the only way to show up; and your wife’s work as a teacher is incredibly admirable. Fascism is here babe; your wife trying to recharge by the pool is going to change that. We’re only six months into what is going to be a long four years. Maybe you two can find a way to show up together. Writing letters to kids in detention centers is another way to show up, and something my family has been talking about doing. It’s not a matter of who is right or wrong in this situation. You’re on the same side, don’t forget that.

Nico: Honestly, I do think it’s really okay that your wife missed the No Kings protest. Everyone has to figure out their own personal values and negotiate the balance and tension between caring for themselves and caring for others and participating in actions. It sounds like your wife knew what she needed, and it is okay for her to rest and recover and spend time with her family. Now, if you find that yours and your wife’s values and ideas around political action don’t align, that your wife is not engaging in any additional action outside of the parameters of her job, and this is causing conflict in an ongoing way, then that’s a different conversation, one that like Eve suggests, might include you gently talking with your wife about ways she can be more involved. But like Sa’iyda said, you’re ultimately on the same side here.

You mention fascism creeping in, and you also mention working for a big terrible corporation with a salary that allows you to live well. I’m going to assume that you mean you work for something that, while big and corporate, is hopefully not a weapons, intelligence, or defense company or something similarly implicated — because in that case, I would say that attending a protest is probably the least important action you could take if you’re concerned about fighting fascism. With that out of the way because it’s hopefully not relevant, like Eve, Summer, and Valerie have said: protests are not the only way to fight. I think if you’re feeling driven, then there are ways you can tap in more deeply. Are there organizations near you asking for volunteers to help witness or document ICE raids or who need volunteer or financial support in supporting immigrant communities? Are there abortion clinics where you could volunteer as an escort? Putting yourself in situations where you’re on the ground and meeting people, working with others directly, will likely help ground you, and give you something to do with more regularity. This work happens every day, not just when there are scheduled demonstrations. These kinds of things, usually involving much smaller groups than large protests, might be easier for your wife to participate in, too. To the idea of talking with your wife about this, wouldn’t it be good to engage in work like this together? It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and days at the pool are a part of maintaining your sanity while you also, hopefully, find ways to plug in and participate with regularity and for the long run.


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4 Comments

  1. I laughed (bitterly) when I read the second question because it’s so relatable.

    In 2016, I had a corporate bullshit email desk job where I had the bandwidth to doomscroll all day and, yes, I *did* feel like I *had* to be at every protest, and also like I had to be *seen* protesting so people would know that I was Doing Resistance. The whole point of protest is to be demonstrative, but that’s not how the emotional grind of teaching works. You see social media posts abt protests, you plan your weekend around a protest, etc; you don’t see your wife spending time every day justifying the existence of queer books in her library or finding spare clothes and snacks to meet the material needs of her students or sitting in a meeting with colleagues talking about what to do if ICE comes knocking. If your wife is teaching at a bougie private school or at a well-resourced public school where most students have their basic needs met and are not experiencing immigration concerns, systemic racism, economic disenfranchisement, etc, then maybe she really is just being a lazy progressive and should do more.

    But this attachment to protest as the One True Means to Resist feels 1) performative 2) related to your own insecurity or self-consciousness around working for a “huge, pretty awful corporation.”

  2. “…and I enjoy that the pay makes it possible for us to live well and for her to be a teacher.” Her education, professional qualifications and desire make it possible for her to be a teacher. It’s a respectable career. She deserves an afternoon in the pool.

    • I agree with the let your wife hang out by the pool, but I also will say that teachers in (at least most public school systems) get paid dirt, so I think it’s less of OP’s job lets her wife be a teacher and more OP’s job allows her to provide the main financial support for her family unit

  3. I see the point about insecurity about working for a big awful corp. Relatable and sounds true.

    At the same time, the writer seems to have asked upfront for support from their partner to do this “performative” yet potentially risky political act together.

    Since the writer’s partner is burnt out, needs to recharge, and feels their societal obligation for resistance has already been ‘fulfilled’ and thus can’t be there for the protest (which may be disappointing, but fair), GO SEEK OUT community that you can attend with.
    Chances are good you have friends somewhere in your circle, or your partner’s circle, as you share similar political views, who may be interested in supporting the resistance on the literal ground with you. Unlike other forms of partner rejection, this is 100% the kind of support that can be supplemented by friends and others outside of the romantic partnership. Although I get it. Political resistance together does sound very compelling. But unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

    If you are still disappointed by not being able to engage in political resistance together on the ground, I recommend letting your partner know. Consider brainstorming together. There is probably another way to stay involved that is appropriate for the mental/physical/emotional capacity of both persons in the partnership. Keeps your ears open for other opportunities.

    While you both actively or passively brainstorm future respectable co-resistance ideas, going alone is another option. I’ve gone to protests by myself before and found them to be worthwhile. Depending on the nature and location of the protest, having someone to go with is probably a safer bet. Play by ear and play it safe if/when possible.
    Don’t forget to bring water and hydrate.

Comments are closed.

‘Hot Milk’ Is an Imperfect Movie About Bad Mothers and Worse Lovers

Everyone dates their parents, says Freud and also gay people online thirsting over actresses twice their age. Our most formative relationships play out again and again through friends, through lovers, through teachers, through employers, even through therapists. But these repetitions are not always so obvious. Screenwriter Rebecca Lenkiewicz’s directorial debut Hot Milk, based on Deborah Levy’s novel of the same name, understands the complex ways parental relationships can seep into the rest of our lives.

Hot Milk is about a young British woman named Sofia (Emma Mackey) who accompanies her mother Rose (Fiona Shaw) to the Spanish coast in an attempt to cure Rose’s mysterious illness. A perpetual student with a focus on anthropology, Sofia’s life is in limbo, her true focus on her difficult mother’s well-being. As Rose begins to work with her new doctor (Vincent Perez), Sofia wanders the Spanish beaches and meets a Berlin transplant named Ingrid (Vicky Krieps).

From the beginning, Ingrid provides further concern for Sofia as much as she provides escape. It’s a relief to watch Sofia create a distance from her mother and seek out her own life and own pleasure, but Ingrid has flags redder than Sofia’s jellyfish sting. She’s immediately controlling, emotional, and overly affectionate. She also seems to be in a relationship with a man named Matty (Yann Gael) who may or may not be aware that Ingrid has sexual pursuits elsewhere.

On the surface, Ingrid and Rose have little in common. Rose is scared of the world while Ingrid seems to hunger for it. One can even imagine Sofia looking at Ingrid and seeing her as the complete opposite of her mother. Alas, two people don’t need to share surface similarities to treat someone the same way. And the closer Sofia gets to Ingrid, the more their twisted dynamic resembles the one she’s trying to escape with Rose.

The acting in this film is remarkable. Shaw, Krieps, and Patsy Ferran in a small role as Rose’s nurse are all excellent. But it’s Mackey who holds the film together. She was great throughout all four seasons of Sex Education and this film is proof that wasn’t just the magic of Maeve Wiley. With the right roles, Mackey could establish herself as one of the best young actresses working today. Unfortunately, the film does not quite match her performance.

Lenkiewicz’s directorial work is strong with an effective controlled style, a tight pace, and a clear ability to garner great acting. If anything the writer of queer films such as Disobedience and Colette, should’ve trusted her direction more. The script is overwritten, stating things bluntly that have already been communicated — and communicated better — in the silences. Every extended dialogue scene felt stuffed with confused exposition that weakened the characters rather than deepening them.

The film will resonate with anyone who has ever tried to solve their mommy issues in the bed of another woman. But it’s frustrating how often the film ignores its strengths, instead ending up an overwrought series of clichés. And yet, there are sequences — single glances from Mackey even — that still make it worth a watch. I just wish Lenkiewicz had trusted her images over her words. Sometimes the sharpest writing happens in the gaps.


Hot Milk is now in theatres.

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 738 articles for us.

Marvel’s ‘Ironheart’ Showcases the Beauty, Depth, and Breadth of the Black Experience — Including Queerness

This review will have spoilers for Season 1, Episodes 1-3 of Ironheart.


Four and a half years since Kevin Feige first announced the series and two and a half years since Riri’s MCU debut in Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, Ironheart is finally here with the first three episodes streaming now on Disney+. And let me tell you!! It was absolutely worth the wait! I loved so much about these episodes: the characters, the Blackness, the setting, the FUN, the sneaky feelings, and the heart (no pun intended). But before I delve deeper into everything I loved, let’s get into a quick overview of what went down in these first three episodes!

The show picks up after the events of Wakanda Forever, with Riri briefly back at MIT until she is expelled for selling assignments and causing damage to one of their laboratories. She decides to fly in her suit back to Chicago and as soon as she gets there, it’s immediately clear to us as viewers that Something Bad™ happened five years prior and Riri has done everything to avoid processing her feelings around it. She’s reunited with her mother and her friend Xavier, brother of her best friend Natalie.

Riri flying in iron suit over a body of water

RIP to TRVR, Riri’s school A.I. We hardly knew ya.

All Riri wants to do is figure out how to fix and upgrade her suit now that she no longer has access to MIT’s resources. Our girl might be a genius, but a billionaire she is not, so she’s recruited by a group of incredibly good-looking (the show will repeatedly remind you of this) criminals to help them run a few jobs and earn some quick cash. We learn that Riri’s stepdad, Gary, and best friend, Natalie, were both killed in a drive-by shooting five years earlier. One night while Riri is mapping her brain to her suit (casual), she accidentally creates an A.I. of her dead best friend called… N.A.T.A.L.I.E. (Neuro Autonomous Technical Assistant and Laboratory Intelligence Entity). In her quest for more suit parts, Riri meets a random white guy named Joe who I think the show is telling us has pure intentions, but I DON’T TRUST IT. It’s revealed that “Joe” is actually Ezekiel Stane, the son of Obadiah Stane, former COO of Stark Industries and Iron Man antagonist, but he allegedly wants to be nothing like his father.

The leader of the crime crew is a man named Parker (played by Anthony Ramos) who goes by “The Hood” and wears a cape with, you guessed it, a big hood. (Someone on Threads said he looked like Darkwing Duck and I cannot unsee it.) The cape gives him magical abilities like invisibility and bending bullets, but both N.A.T.A.L.I.E. and Riri think something is off with him, so Riri risks it all to go rogue during one of the team’s heists and steals a piece of Parker’s cape in order to analyze it. Unfortunately, her risk causes a complete shutdown of the facility eventually resulting in the death of John (Parker’s right-hand man and cousin).

Where Ironheart shines is in its characters and their relationships with each other. Riri is layered, complex, and flawed. She’s a literal genius, but feels like everyone around her wants her to be small and to shrink her talent to fit in the status quo; she’s tired of being overlooked and disrespected. Sure, she can be a bit cocky, but she’s earned it! Riri wants to use her genius and iron suits to revolutionize safety and improve first responder response times so that “help will never be too late”; a desire undoubtedly driven by the deaths of her stepdad and best friend. With that goal in mind, she makes some admittedly questionable decisions, and watching her deal with the consequences of those decisions and how they affect her relationships with the people around her is one of the most interesting aspects of the show so far.

I knew in the first 30 seconds of episode 1 that I would love Ironheart, and that’s down to Dominique Thorne and Lyric Ross’s (Natalie and N.A.T.A.L.I.E.) performances and chemistry. From the flashbacks of the besties before the shooting, to navigating their new relationship as creator and A.I., their friendship feels authentic and lived in. It makes sense that N.A.T.A.L.I.E. is what would result from Riri’s brain mapping; Natalie, the person, is ingrained in Riri’s soul, and in turn Riri infuses that soul into her A.I. There’s growing pains at first, but over the course of these episodes, Riri and N.A.T.A.L.I.E. fall back into the rhythm of best friends – laughing and joking together, roasting each other, Real Talk™ing each other. It’s so much fun to watch and I think it’s a really interesting way for Riri to have to confront her grief when she’s been avoiding it for so long.

Riri and Natalie smiling together

🎵”Go best friend, that’s my best friend”🎵

The way the show depicts Riri moving through grief and anxiety stood out to me as well. Or rather, how she’s avoided her grief and anxiety. I love the visual shifts that occur when she’s in the throes of panic to show what it’s like when it feels like you have no control over your thoughts and emotions. The addition of Natalie being the only one who could bring Riri down from her spiral and N.A.T.A.L.I.E. doing the very same thing damn near broke me. I told you – sneaky feelings!!

It’s not all seriousness though! This show is downright FUN! From the Clippy-esque pencil A.I named TRVOR to almost everything out of N.A.T.A.L.I.E.’s mouth to the brilliantly delivered “Go home, Roger” reference, I laughed out loud several times. The moment when N.A.T.A.L.I.E. is controlling the suit in Riri’s room and dancing on the chair has been playing on repeat in my head. Iconic. And everything about the ragtag crew of gorgeous criminals was entertaining as heck. Every member of this crew is either queer or a person of color or BOTH and you LOVE TO SEE IT! BE GAY DO CRIME. Ahem.

I also love how grounded the show is in the community of the South Side of Chicago; it feels similar to the role Jersey City played in Ms. Marvel. Magic and advanced technology exist right alongside folks in the street clowning Riri for her broken suit and a kid hustling her so he can make a few bucks. The classic dude on the corner typically yelling to passerby about Jesus is instead yelling about Thanos. Sure, this is a world with aliens and time travel, but it’s also a world with neighborhoods of streets filled with music, life, and love.

screenshot of landon walking with riri as she wears her broken iron suit

Landon really gives Riri a run for her (literal) money.

And while I’m talking about Chicago, one of the few things I didn’t love about this block of episodes was whatever the heck they’ve got brewing with Xavier and Riri. He obviously has a crush on her, and while they share some cute moments reminiscing about Natalie, their connection just hasn’t hit for me. Plus, I’m a little annoyed that he sneak attacked her with Natalie’s voice on the mixtape!

At this point you might be wondering, “Hey Nic, how gay is this show?” Well reader, it’s not NOT gay! Slug (they/them; crime crew hacker), is played by Rupaul’s Drag Race alum Shea Coulée, and nonbinary transmasculine actor Zoe Terakes (of Wentworth fame) takes on the role of Jeri of the Blood Siblings. At this point, we don’t have confirmation one way or another about Riri’s sexuality outside of her mother asking if she has a boy OR a girl in her room, so for now my ShuRiri shipping heart will replay their Wakanda Forever interactions in my head.

The most refreshing thing about this show for me is that it is Black as HELL from jump. It is helmed by an incredible crew of Black women behind the scenes in addition to the Blackness on screen. From using Chaka Khan’s “Ain’t Nobody” during a fight scene to Riri’s mom yelling about slamming doors in her house, this show is for US. In Ironheart, Blackness is a girl genius gagging her ownself over the improvements to her suit; it’s a mother and her friends recommending crystals to cleanse a daughter’s aura; it’s two friends enjoying a local rapper’s concert; it’s a fierce nonbinary hacker breaking into complex systems without breaking a nail; it’s two besties literally clapping at each other in frustration; hell, it’s even belting “You Oughta Know” in the car with a dude you barely know. Ironheart is doing an incredible job showcasing the beauty, depth, and breadth of the Black experience.

Riri pointing at her iron suit upgrades

“What’s 4+4? Because I did that.” — Riri Williams, probably

So far, Ironheart is everything I love about the MCU when they let themselves have fun. My favorite MCU projects are the ones where I can be laughing one minute and crying the next; where the characters feel relatable even though their daily lives are filled with aliens and wizards and mine is filled with sending emails. I was so nervous for this show because unfortunately when a cast looks like this one does, there’s no room for error in the eyes of some studios and fans. From where I’m sitting, they knocked this one out of the park. The show raises questions about technological morality, what makes a hero, and whether doing the wrong thing for the right reasons will send you down a dark path. I hope future episodes continue to explore Riri coming to terms with her grief and the aftermath of her dark decision at the end of episode 3. I’d love more information about how The Hood got his powers, and of course, what implications this story will have on the larger future of the MCU. Ironheart started off flying high and I cannot wait to see how they stick the landing.

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Nic

Nic is a Senior Product Manager at a major Publisher and lives in Astoria, NY. She is way too attached to queer fictional characters and maintains that buying books and reading books are two very different hobbies. When she's not consuming every form of fiction, you can find her dropping it low on the dance floor. You can find Nic on twitter and instagram.

Nic has written 93 articles for us.

2 Comments

  1. I definitely enjoyed these first three episodes and am curious to see where they’re going. I hope they stick the landing and don’t fall into pacing problems in the middle/end-that was definitely the weakest part of both Echo and Ms. Marvel, both of which I otherwise loved.

  2. “Well reader, it’s not NOT gay! Slug (they/them; crime crew hacker), is played by Rupaul’s Drag Race alum Shea Coulée, and nonbinary transmasculine actor” isn’t that gay? What’s wrong being gay? How it was written is the gay actor is not actually gay but a straight gay 🤦

Comments are closed.

My Favorite Deviant Queers From Television

When I learned Autostraddle’s Pride theme this year would be Deviant Behavior, it immediately evoked images of all my favorite fictional deviants. From classic high school mean girls to literal cartoon villains, we have been gifted with some deliciously complicated queer characters over the years.

Now, this isn’t to be confused with Hollywood’s long, sordid history with purposefully queer coded villains like Ursula, Scar, and Captain Hook, intended to vilify these traits. Nor should it be confused with media making female villains hypersexual, which often includes being sexual toward and/or with women as a way to “prove” they’re morally corrupt. While that is absolutely still an issue in modern media, queer representation has expanded such that not all of our characters have to be clean-cut pillars of the community in order to be considered “good” representation.


One of the earliest examples I thought of were Root and Shaw from Person of Interest.

Root and Shaw from Person of Interest standing with their faces very close together

“Annoyed attempt to deflect subtext.” “Overt come-on.”

Surely there are earlier examples, but Root tied Shaw up in 2013, which is practically two lifetimes ago in TV years. That’s also pretty early in TV history to feature morally gray queer characters we’re meant to root for (no pun intended). Granted, if my memory serves, the show wasn’t 100% sure they were queer right away, but still, I’m counting them as “deviants” who were complex, interesting, and who might have been villains (I mean, they did kill people, after all) but their queerness wasn’t what was villainized. And they were heroes in my heart by the end.


I also thought of Rose on Jane the Virgin.

Rose from Jane the Virgin is on the phone, her luscious hair flipped to one side

Writing about Rose made me want to do a Jane the Virgin rewatch but it’s NOT STREAMING ANYWHERE ANYMORE. :sob:

Now, an argument could be made here that she toes the line a little. Yes, she’s a well-rounded character (and one of my personal favorites on the show), but she skirts a liiiiiiittle too close to the “obsessive lesbian” trope sometimes. That said, no character exists in a vacuum, so while on paper she might be on the line between tropey and not, in the context of this show that also had other amazing queer representation like Luisa, Petra, and JR, that pushes Rose firmly into the “win” column for me. (And the “alive” column, but that’s an argument for another day.)


While Root and Shaw were the earliest examples I thought of timeline-wise, the actual first example that popped into my head (perhaps because it’s practically her name) was Villanelle from Killing Eve.

Villanelle creeps around with a knife

Villanelle is why I now know the term “knife play.”

Now, there’s no denying she’s a villain; we watch her brutally murder many, many people. But there’s ALSO no denying that she’s the most delightful murderess you ever did see. Her queerness was not only not villainized, it was sometimes the only thing that grounded her in humanity — specifically, through her connection to Eve.


Similarly, we have literal demon from hell Mazikeen from Lucifer.

Lucifer: Eve and Mazikeen press their faces together

Forbidden fruit, indeed.

She was all fire and fury when she first arrived on Earth, but she discovered the softer parts of her, not only through her friendships with Lucifer and little Trixie, but also, eventually, in her romantic interest in Eve. While, in the beginning of the show, Lucifer practically had to have her on a leash to keep her from killing everyone who looked at her sideways, with Eve she was soft and just so in love. And still a little bad, but in a good way. It’s always nice to see the trope flipped on its head; instead of her queerness being used to show she was a morally bankrupt demon from hell, her queerness was what emerged as the most human thing about her as she learned how to be good.


And you don’t really get more villainous than literal cartoon villains Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy.

harley quinn and poison ivy are in a car that just drove off a cliff, their hair floating upward as they look at each other lovingly

They have to be one of the longest running still-together queer couple on a currently-airing show, right?

They are bashing skulls and doing eco-terrorism all over the place in the animated series Harley Quinn but are still lovable and, perhaps more importantly, still IN love, for four seasons and counting. (It took them a whole season to figure out they belonged together, but we can forgive them that.) Bonus points for Poison Ivy also being in the live-action show Batwoman, where she was in love with another woman entirely, and was also played by Bridget Regan, because if there’s one thing Bridget Regan is good at, it’s playing complex, queer villains. (You’ll never convince me that Dottie Underwood wasn’t IN LOVE with Agent Carter.)


Last but not least on my list I have my most recent faves: Agatha and Rio from Agatha All Along.

Rio and Agatha face off in the woods in Agatha All Along, looking like they want to devour each other

All witches are queer, but these witches are SO gay.

Agatha was the villain in Wandavision, and we all read her as queer, but we didn’t get confirmation until she got her own spinoff where she was in love with Death herself. They are both more than the worst thing they’ve done, and their relationship is heartbreaking and complicated and deliciously witchy. In fact, their relationship was the crux of the entire show. The entire plot would be very different if they were not in love, which isn’t something you can say about every queer couple on television. Plus, this show gave us the iconic line, “If you want a straight answer, ask a straight lady,” which is one of my favorite ways a character has confirmed their queerness on screen in plain words I’ve ever seen.


These are just a few of my favorite characters that have flipped things on their head as queer villains whose queerness isn’t villainized. I know there are more, and I would love for you to tell me your favorites. It’s a fine line, but some characters have ended up so far on the wrong side of it over the years that it’s nice to celebrate the characters who are so bad it’s good. I tried to focus on true “villains” who have committed actual crimes against humanity, and not just mean girls, though characters like Santana Lopez from Glee, Cheryl Blossom from Riverdale, and arguably Shauna from Yellowjackets are also deliciously deviant. (Though Shauna falls somewhere smack in the middle of the Mean Girl to True Villain scale, and she’s operating under a different set of principles than the rest of the world…that’s a different essay entirely.)

I hope we continue to be gifted fun, villainous queers on television in the years to come. We need positive and wholesome and sexy and joyful representation, we do, but we also need messy and chaotic and dangerous and even evil representation. Because queer people can be anything! Including deviant.


Autostraddle’s Pride 2025 theme is DEVIANT BEHAVIOR. Read more, and be deviant!

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Valerie Anne

Valerie Anne (she/they) a TV-loving, video-game-playing nerd who loves reading, watching, and writing about stories in all forms. While having a penchant for sci-fi, Valerie will watch anything that promises a good story, and especially if that good story is queer.

Valerie has written 656 articles for us.

‘The Ultimatum: Queer Love’ Season 2, Episodes 6 and 7 Recap: Lies, Changeovers and Tears

Here we go! The final stretch of this first The Ultimatum: Queer Love season two drop! We’re discussing episodes 6 and 7, and you can revisit recaps of episodes 1-3 and episodes 4 and 5. And then we shall collectively wait with bated breath until the next drop on July 2.


The Ultimatum: Queer Love Recap – Episode 6

Third Week of Trial Marriages (Continued)

marie and mel in the car

Mel + Marie

Yes, we have a rare and forbidden meetup of original partners mid-first trial marriages, but unlike the AJ/Britney meetups, this one is on camera. Marie picks Mel up in her car, and they have the entire conversation right there. Marie says Dayna made it very clear she’s so happy to have Mel as her trial wife. “And then after this lovely conversation, Haley comes and tells me there’s proof that you and Dayna are fucking,” Marie says.

She asks if they’ve fucked and if Mel is lying. Mel says no, that it didn’t happen. Well then where is this coming from? Marie wants to know, because she’s very fucking triggered. “Is this going to soil everything?” she asks. Mel says she and Dayna have a connection and that they kissed but that’s the extent of it.

WHY IS SHE LYING????????????????????????????????????????????? THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT EVENTUALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS SO SHORT-SIGHTED!!!!!!!!!!!

Haley + Magan

Magan gives Haley the lowdown on Mel confronting her and also tells her Dayna called her to tell her she doesn’t want to marry her. She thinks Mel and Dayna came in ready to protect each other because they know they’ve done wrong. Haley says Dayna was talking about how she and Mel have been holding each other. “Yeah, holding each other or humping each other?” Magan asks. Whatever receipts exist about Mel and Dayna’s physical connection, Magan seemingly has them, too.

“You’re not gonna slander my wife,” Haley says, to which Magan responds “PERIOD!”

Haley says marriage is not the milestone for her anymore, and Magan says she’s so proud of her. She’s showing herself to the world more, and the world could use more of her. Magan then squats Haley’s body? And they roll around on the floor. Okay, these two are simply in puppy love and nothing can touch them.

Dayna + Mel

Mel tells Dayna that Haley told Marie there’s proof they’re fucking, and this sets Dayna all the way off. She wants Haley’s phone number. “Slimy bitch,” she says. I for one would certainly never get on Dayna’s bad side. I don’t want her to run my food truck into the river, and I don’t even HAVE a food truck!


Five Days Until the Changeover

kyle and pilar

Kyle + Pilar

Kyle introduces Pilar to her mom and dad, who are very cute. Kyle’s upbringing was pretty lax, and as a result, she doesn’t always tell someone like a partner when she’s leaving or where she’s going, and she knows that’s something she should work on. Her mom warns Pilar against becoming Kyle’s therapist, which, fair. Kyle’s mom, almost acting as therapist, asks what issues Pilar has with Haley, and Pilar opens up about her family stuff.

Kyle’s mom actually gave Kyle’s dad a marriage ultimatum when they were first together, and she says you have to think to yourself not can you see your life with the other person but can you see your life without them? Ultimately, most of Kyle’s mom’s advice is geared toward making things work with Haley, which is nice. This is sweet! We could use some sweetness on this show, especially now that shit really is hitting the fan.

AJ + Marie

AJ asks if Marie prefers sunrises or sunsets, and Marie says a sunrise means she was up all night which is never a good thing so she’ll go with sunset. Fair enough! Marie says Mel is incredibly adament that she did not have intercourse with Dayna. She thanks AJ for making a safe space for her to fly off the handle about all of this. AJ says the topic of marriage with Britney feels scary, but Marie has given her the space to express herself. “Not to be gay or cheesy,” AJ says, and Marie calls her gouda, correcting it to “gayda,” the gooiest and cheesiest. At least Marie has AJ, who really does seem like a good friend through all this.

On a lighter note later, the two are talking about sex toys, and AJ notes poetically that she likes her shit swaaaaaaangin.

Dayna + Mel

Mel wants answers from Dayna. “You don’t know that I love you?” she asks. She tells the camera she has told Dayna she has “more than friend feelings” for her, and Dayna admits she wants her but isn’t sure what that means. You know what time it is! Time for People Having Serious Conversations Under Blankets on the Couch!

Mel really wants answers! What the fuck are we doing!, she wants to know. I think she’s probably spiraling after being confronted by Marie and knows she could lose her when the truth comes out so wants to know if Dayna is a viable option walking out of all this. Dayna says she can’t answer her questions without talking to Magan. Fair! Dayna worries that if she doesn’t tell Mel what she wants to hear, then she’s gonna shut down on her. Mel just wants her to be real, and she says every time Dayna talks about Magan she feels like she isn’t focusing on her. Idk girl, I think it makes sense for her to be thinking about talking about the person she has been with for 1.5 years a bit more than the person she has been “with” for < 3 weeks.

Dayna says the “breakup” didn’t feel real with Magan until very recently. Now is when I would normally chime in to remind us all that the breakups indeed aren’t really real and are just a construct of this show’s wild premise, but…in their case? It might be kind of real! I think Magan is kind of done with Dayna!

To avoid making any direct statements about her own feelings, Dayna instead says to Mel she thinks Mel knows how happy she is. Alright, we’ll leave it at that I guess!

Later in the episode, they get…matching tattoos. Matching four leaf clover tattoos. Dayna admits it isn’t the best idea but that she isn’t really a good idea person anyway. Magan and her have talked about getting matching tattoos, so she anticipates Magan getting mad. This is wild! Dayna needs to make up her mind: Mel or Magan? She’s sending a lot of mixed signals to them both. And Mel is really making the decision to get this tattoo with Dayna after Marie’s breakdown?! WHAT IS GOING ON.

Haley + Magan

Magan is meeting Haley’s family! And they’re doing it over a meal at home rather than out, which is pretty cute. Magan is excited to meet Haley’s dad but scared to meet her sister. She doesn’t have a sister herself, and she knows that kind of relationship can be intense. Haley also notes that her niece is like a sister to her. Magan asks if her outfit looks okay. Omg, she really cares a lot about this. Not beating the Falling In Love With Your Trial Wife allegations! Though to be fair, I don’t think either of them are really trying to beat those?

Haley tells her dad, sister, and niece how similar she and Magan are. They all know how different she is from Pilar. “We’ve always been super honest,” Magan tells them (for three weeks, I’ll remind you).

Haley’s sister immediately asks about kids, and Magan notes they discussed it on their first date. She reiterates she wants kids. She’s Lebanese and comes from a culture that emphasizes the importance of it. Haley tells her family that the fact that Magan wants to carry does nudge her a bit. This is not the Haley her sister knows! Haley’s dad is surprised, too, especially by how easy Magan and Haley are making this absurd situation seem.

Haley’s niece says Magan seems really genuine and kind but also starts crying, saying she really likes Pilar. Omg, someone assure this teen! I don’t think teens should be brought into the universe of this show at all! It’s too confusing and weird! If my sister were like “here’s this person I just met who I am considering a life with instead of the person I’ve been with for a DECADE” I would be so perplexed! But Haley does assure her that Pilar will always be in her life.

Magan reiterates that the whole experience has been eye-opening for her, and that not matter what a lot is going to change.

Britney + Marita

Marita wonders if she’ll have to change Britney’s name in her phone from “wifey” to “divorcee.” See, I love that these two are so unserious about it all. Suddenly, they’re crying and emotional, but it’s just because they both know what they want and aren’ sure if they’re going to get it from their partners.

Marita asks Britney what she hopes to see from AJ, and Britney isn’t sure what to expect from her. For what it’s worth, I do think Britney could end up with a ring on her finger at the end of all of this. I feel less sure of it for Marita.

But no one can say Marita didn’t have the best Trial Wife! Britney cooks her OXTAIL. It looks so fucking good!!!! That’s REAL love right there.

Ashley + Bridget

Not too much going on with these two, per usual. Bentley the dog prefers Bridget. They discuss how they need to better advocate for themselves when it comes to their Original Partners. The most interesting thing to me about this conversation personally is that Ashley lives in St. Pete! I’m sure I’ve probably seen her at the Dog Bar with Bentley.


Final Night of Trial Marriages

haley and magan

Dayna + Mel

On their last night together, Dayna and Mel read to each other from letters they wrote. Dayna wrote hers at 5 a.m. “I never knew how much I needed you,” she reads. Mel wrote a letter, too. “You have made me the happiest I’ve been in a long time,” she says. Who knows, maybe these two could go the distance!

Haley + Magan

These two are also NOT ready for The Changeover. They’re crying and cuddling in bed. Magan isn’t sure if she’s happy or sad right now. She has realized how important it is to make decisions for herself and that it’s possible to have the things you want.

Haley then says I LOVE YOU. And Magan says I LOVE YOU, TOO. They are IN LOVE. This, to me, is way juicier than sex.


The Changeover

marita and britney

Joanna “I’m an Ally” Garcia Swisher (yes, that’s her government name) is here to guide the stressed out lesbians through their feelings about The Changeover, during which they will exit their Trial Marriages with the people they chose and enter into new Trial Marriages with the Original Partners they came to the show with.

In a talking head, Pilar reveals her worst fear is that she’s ready for marriage and Haley is in love with someone else, to which I say: YIKES, GIRL. Because that’s indeed what has occurred.

Also heading into this conversation: Magan reiterates that every step she took with Haley was authentic but that she doesn’t necessarily want to close the book on Dayna. Dayna says Mel has promised her things beyond what Magan has promised. She says something about Haley getting her claws in Magan, and that’s such misdirected animosity. Haley has not manipulated Magan lol, Magan has made all her own choices. But I think choosing a narrative where it’s all Haley’s fault probably feels easier for her.

Sitting at the table, Britney shares that her Trial Marriage was amazing and that Marita was a huge cheerleader for her. I think these two are probably some of the only ones here who got real value out of this whole experience, and it’s because it had nothing to do with romance or sex but just personal growth.

Marita agrees. Britney gives her the “romantic antics” she doesn’t get from Ashley. Britney cooked her oxtail last night! AJ interrupts here: “I’m sorry?” She’s like THAT was a boundary! No oxtails were to be made! This is fair. This would be like me making my chai for another woman if I were on this show (in case it needs to be said: I WOULD NEVER BE ON THIS SHOW). Cutting through the brief humor of this moment, Ashley says she can see Britney giving Marita all the things she can’t. “I think they’d be a great couple honestly,” she says. AWK.

Ashley and Bridget have similarly had a very wholesome Trial Marriage focused on personal growth. Ashley compliments Bridget’s style and confidence. Bridget is proud of Ashley for building her self confidence and appreciates that she checks in before she leaves, which as we know Kyle does not. Bridget’s advice to Marita and Ashley is to both acknowledge their own faults. If Marita needs grand gestures, they need to better understand each other’s feelings more, Bridget suggests. Marita does not like receiving this relationship advice. She feels like Bridget is making assumptions. Ashley tells her to chill out, because they’re all in the same boat and probably all making assumptions about each other’s original relationships after the Trial Marriages. Here’s the thing about Ashley and Marita: They just truly don’t seem like a good fit for each other and not for any dramatic reasons. It’s just not a fit!

Pilar and Kyle are back to being in a very good place. Pilar acknowledges they had their hard moments but feels they came out stronger than ever. Kyle says Pilar helped her work through her emotions and be more understanding and mature through conflict. She tells Pilar she has so much time to work through things with Haley. DOES SHE? Because Haley seems to be very in love with someone else!

Okay, FINALLY, it’s time for some drama! Pilar does not care for the fact that Haley posted a quote on her Instagram story that said: “Sometimes you want to disappear but all you want to do is be found.” Now, personally, I think the main reason she should be mad about Haley posting this quote is because it doesn’t really make sense? And sounds silly? But no, Pilar is mad because she feels like Haley is passive aggressively suggesting something about their relationship and her new relationship with Magan. But Haley REALLY gets the kicker here: “You’re gonna talk to me about stories when you posted Kyle with heart eye emojis and then blocked me???????” DAMNNNNNN. Bridget is quietly like “I didn’t know about that.”

BLOCKED?

BLOCKED.

Pilar scoots past this little heart eyes / blocked accusation and asks if there’s really nothing more to Haley and Magan.

“We’re very authentic,” Magan says. “We’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

Things just got good. Is it just me or is this season WAY more bonkers than last season? And that’s really saying something…

But oh wait, it’s about to get even wilder.


Next: Ultimatum Queer Love Season Two Recap Episode 7

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1049 articles for us.

13 Comments

  1. Long rant to come:
    It was funny how often people threw around the words “growth,” “working on myself/ourselves” – it could have easily been a game of bingo or a drinking game.
    Loved how Marie said: “Didn’t just everyone talk about growth?” when some participants were screaming and yelling at each other during the dinner. And puzzlingly, the straight host then said she had seen so much growth?? After all the fighting and yelling? I’m so confused.
    Also, why do people use the words “trauma” and “trigger” so much for random situations? Not just in this show. These words are way overused and not accurate for most moments. Same with “codependent.”
    I also have to remind myself again and again that this is a reality television show and the straight host not a mediator. I wish these people had a mediator or a therapist, but the point of the show is not good communication but loud conflict.
    There are so many instances in which a conflict could have gone differently if one person had asked a question instead of getting angry and declaring that they always do this. Like asking: “What does showing up look like for you?” Because Marita and Ashley have so different definition of what that is and I feel they are not speaking about the same thing.
    Further, I wish people would not use the words “always” and “never” in conflicts but give specific examples of the behavior they dislike. And also saying “You’ll always be in my life” to a person you lived with for three weeks is kind of wild? Many people get married and then divorced, and their ex-spouse is not in their lives any more at all. It sounds so premature???
    WHY IS MEL LYING INDEED. Didn’t they all watch season one to see how well that turned out with people LYING ON CAMERA?!
    If I met Dayna in real life, I would try to go away as far as possible. Would never want her to attack and yell at me which she seems to do on the regular with people.
    Dayna: “I’m not a good idea girl” – Me: “So true.”
    “Magan wants kids – she’s Lebanese and comes from a culture that emphasizes the importance of it.“ Sure but there are also Lebanese people who don’t want kids. It is fine if these are Magan’s reasons for having kids, I guess I just want to say… Not everyone from a specific culture wants the same things?
    In the car, Kyle speaks about the kiss in the words “it happened” as if there were not one/two people who actively did something. Not “Pilar kissed me” or “Pilar and I kissed” or anything like that. Like Bridget, I ask: “It HAPPENED? What does that mean?”
    With all the meals in this show, I wonder: where are all the vegetarian and vegan lesbians???
    “Joanna ‘Has Never Seen The L Word’ Garcia Swisher” – haha, I just want to point out that Alison Bechdel also never watched The L Word and is very gay, unlike the straight host!
    In the beginning, Magan was all like “If my girlfriend had sex with someone else, I don’t know if there is a coming back from that…” – she was so jealous! And now she passes judgement while also having had sex with her – ahem- “trial wife”? But disclosing that so very late? What is happening?
    I somehow get the impression that AJ wants to be a provider and wants Britney to be a housewife? Even though she is saying she would never take that work away for her, but all the other things AJ is saying… I don’t know…
    “I don’t FULLY understand what Haley means here when she talks about how she and Magan decided that if Pilar and Dayna were feeling the way that she and Magan were feeling then they would have regrets coming out of the experience if they didn’t explore whatever it is they wanted to do coming into the experience…“ – As I understood it, it was a bad justification for “we wanted to have sex” wrapped in a “we thought you’d be sorry if you didn’t and so we did the same” … Kind of: we did it for your sake almost!
    Okay, a wrap on this enormous rant. Thank you Kayla for the funny recap!!

  2. I’m only following this show through your updates and know I’m confusing bits of it, but woo the drama between Dayna and Magan is WILD.

    Hopefully I can remember the juicy bits for the next recap lol

  3. I do not understand this show at all! Are they meant to hook up with their trial wives, or not? Are they supposed to get close and flirt, but not have sex? Does each couple set their own rules for it? Do they really fall in love with the new person in 3 weeks??? I don’t watch it, I’m poly and honestly don’t understand, but the recaps are a (confusing) blast!

    • It’s an option, technically. Buttttt… each couple can set their own rules for what they are comfortable with for their partner to do in their trial marriage, but the show sort of presents it to us as if everything is on the table for everyone and don’t tell us what the couples have decided. It is confusing in the show too, I wish that a contingency of it was that everything had to be on the table for MAX DRAMA.

  4. i love this show as captured by your recaps. britney for the win, which doesnt include AJ imo!

  5. I love these recaps! You give AJ an easy time though – she’s funny, charismatic and a good person at heart but alongside Marita she is the only one who never reflects on herself and just the other person in the relationship. And the other person is BRITNEY. Who is fantastic.

    Coming in stating she is not ready because she wants to be able to be good enough for Britney and be a better provider but then telling Britney the thing she liked about her trial marriage was that she was always at home and made her breakfast/ran her errands aka or you could just make less and centre me is not it.

    At one point Britney even makes this impassioned speech about how she is trying to see things through AJs lens and instead of reciprocating she just says “thanks” and we move to intense handholding whils Under Blankets on the Couch (TM)

    Is anyone else wondering what sidechats are happening when the masc women hit the apartment gym?

    Also the role online had to play here is super interesting- the Spotify playlist, the blocking! It feels like the programme has about 50% of the story as that half is happening in the real world(!)

    I also enjoy a sort of gay community bingo with this show. The undercuts, the chains, the mullets, gay buns, terrible sex puns, the concept of having a smart t shirt. I recognise and have love for it all.

  6. im still thinking about mal saying ‘do u want n*ggas to DIE FOR YOU YOLY’ in season one. one of the best reality tv show lines ever.

    regarding this season, i feel so sad for pilar!! but genuinely its beautiful to see magan coming to life and finding safety and joy with haley. dayna seems like an exhausting person to be in a rlship with, and im so happy that magan is just completely done with it.

    i find bridget to be sooo cute, i love her smile and her hair and their soft but decisive personality.

    • The producers HAD TO HAVE OPENED UP SPOTIFY AND LOGGED THAT ISH IN. Why are we acting like it’s witchcraft? That 100 percent was an intentional move my producers.

      I wanna note that my wife says you usually get shit right but you get some stuff wrong as far as actual recap- she was asking Britney HOW to eat it off the bone not to eat it for her. With a show like this I feel like it needs to stay true to tone. Also you have a couple typos including in names like “Maria”.

      People on previous seasons have made it clear that they are supposed to maintain as little to no contact for the trial marriage, and fully give themselves over to the other person. Producers have an explicit pressure put on them to try to stay true- it’s part of the whole shebang!

  7. Loving the recap, and the comments. But am I the only only one very confised about “tv turning on by itself and opening Spotify with your both accounts open”??? Like what, is this some basic lesbian witchcraft that I have somehow missed…

  8. About Marita x Ashley, I agree they definitely aren’t a good fit for each other, but disagree on the “no one did anything wrong” part. Marita doesn’t seem to be respectful of Ashley at all, from episode 1 where her “wandering eye” was a fact, she also said something about feeling empty around Ashley to justify this wandering eye, looking for something better… 25 is young but you’re not a child nor a teenager, if you’re unhappy in your relationship you can either communicate or leave it, but staying and making your gf feel like she is a poor excuse for a gf… It just sucks, it’s direspectful and hurtful.

    And in episode 7, the way Marita kept preventing Ashley from finishing her sentence, trying to phrase it as “oh, my love language is the problem ???”, “oh, I’m too much ???”… That was manipulative, direspectful, and not helpful. No wonder Ashley chose to leave after that.

    From what they show us it really seems that Marita doesn’t love Ashley. Ashley said that she did love Marita and that her love had been unwavering during their relationship, Marita never responded to that. I don’t think Ashley is stubborn not to buy flowers to someone who acts as if she owes her that while disrespecting all the rest. I just wonder why they stayed together for such a long time ? I think Ashley loved Marita, but why Marita didn’t break up is a mystery to me. What’s funny is that I feel like Marita behaved in the bitter manner some married folks do : like you’re “stuck” with your partner, don’t like how they are anymore, so you try to change them but without any real conversation (meaning : that goes both ways), and if you can’t you’re just bitter with them while looking for a better match to escape the relationship.

  9. Woof thank you so much for these recaps. I watched last season and just hated it so much but wanted to be in the cultural convo, and so I watched a few eps of this season but just couldn’t. I so appreciate how AS recaps for ppl who can’t watch the show aka full detail!!

    Absolutely chaos. I like Magan and Haley but I truly don’t understand how living in different cities and being on different ish pages about kids works. I hope for the best for them!!!!

    I’m so glad Marita didn’t end up with AJ because tbh she seemed to be getting the villain arch in the first few eps but then when she got paired with Britney things chilled out and I’m really happy for her on that front.

  10. I have to say I am enjoying the show but the weird AI music choices are jarring! It must be AI right? An uncanny valley of almost-real sounding voices singing whatever fit the prompt for that half-minute on screen

  11. This show is so wild. Thank you for recapping it, hard to keep track of all the intricacies!

    Came here to say Britney is too good for this show- she was even stepping into the host role because Joanna “Give Us Nothing” Swisher was not moderating the drama at all!!!! The way she told Dayna you have to talk to other people like they matter? Damn. I do think she and AJ are cute together, but I want to see more introspection from AJ- Britney is not going to be a stay at home wife for you!

    I’m honestly hoping everyone leaves alone but with a therapists number.

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Eva Victor Didn’t Tell a Woman’s Story

Photo of Eva Victor by Arturo Holmes/Getty Images

Writer/comedian Eva Victor is now a filmmaker. After years of creating humorous Twitter sketches and original content for Comedy Central, they have now made the significant leap to the big screen with Sorry, Baby, their remarkable writing/directing debut. Upon its premiere at Sundance earlier this year, the film was a resounding success, receiving a standing ovation and being bought by A24..

The movie follows Agnes (Victor) over a span of a few years as she contends with her PTSD after being sexually assaulted. At non-chronological snapshots in her life, Agnes encounters various scenarios that present obstacles as she progresses on her path to recovery. She receives genuine comfort from her dear next-door neighbor Gavin (Lucas Hedges) and her long-time best friend Lydie (Naomi Ackie) who visits her at her home in Massachusetts.

Prior to the film’s release, I hopped on a Zoom call with Victor, in which we chatted about tackling trauma, shadowing Jane Schoenbrun, and exploring Agnes’ gender euphoria during a significant courthouse scene.


Rendy: This is the first movie I’ve seen to portray how trauma is non-linear and you do it in a way that’s fluent and cohesive. What influenced you to organize the movie non-chronologically?

Eva: This doesn’t track exactly but Certain Women was a movie that structurally kind of blew my mind. I like the fact that it’s these three stories and these three chapters, and they do interweave a little. But the point of them isn’t that they interweave, they just happen to, ’cause it’s this small town. That kind of just broke my brain about like the amount of interiority we get in that film despite it being shared by three people. It was astounding to me. The thing I really wanted the film to have within it is Agnes is on this journey and there’s these reminders of what’s happened that only she can see.

And then as we watch the film, we become aware of what those reminders are as well. We’re a part of the experience of the past bringing itself to the present. So structurally I wanted to make a film that supported the idea that love and friendship are at the core of it by starting with this kind of love affair weekend with Lydie. And then moving to the past after, hopefully, these are people we now care about. And also that Agnes is like this full person who, yes, went through this thing, but we learn about her beforehand so that we can’t really dismiss what happened to her later ’cause we care about her enough. So structurally kind of just trying to get everyone into joy and into this relationship so that when we go back to harder stuff the audience is held through that.

Rendy: I remember you telling me you shadowed Jane Schoenbrun on I Saw the TV Glow and I see so much of that exemplified in the scenes of Agnes in the house.

Eva: Right, the horror moments.

Rendy: The horror, yeah.

Eva: I got my horror lesson. Yes!

Rendy: Tell me about that experience and utilizing those lessons into the story.

Eva: Well, Jane is such an inspiration in a million ways. As a filmmaker particularly. They are so sure of what they want. The only word that really comes to mind is like “visionary.” Both in the emotional sense but also the literal sense. They have a complete vision of what they want and they will shoot until they get it, and they will not rest until they get it. I also think they’re an incredible advocate for their film, and they they spend all of their energy making sure that the film will not be compromised and will be what they want it to be, because they know that’s the best thing for the film. It’s a very inspiring energy to be around. Especially at that time when I was feeling pretty fraudulent about directing and they’re sort of like the balm to fraudulence.

They are like, “No, you’re a filmmaker. You’re making a movie.” It’s pretty special to be seen as a filmmaker before you’ve done that, especially by someone so legendary and smart. I learned so much. They also instilled in me this idea that I thought you weren’t allowed to think that the image can be beautiful for beauty’s sake, and that matters a lot to me. They are very interested in beautiful images. I think that was really exciting to me because the joy of making a film is making the shot exactly how you want it to be. There’s euphoria in that. They taught me that’s something you’re allowed to walk towards and not shy away from.

Rendy: There are so many incredible scenes that I’ve thought about since seeing the film. But one in particular is the courthouse scene and Agnes marking their own gender identity in the bubble form. Was that based on your experience? What brought you to highlighting Agnes’ gender euphoria like that?

Eva: It’s very funny who decides to not know or to forget what happens. There are people that are pretty interested in it being a woman’s story, which is like, I get. But also this character, seriously, writes down for you what their experience of gender is. It’s interesting. I like when people bring it up to me ’cause I’m like, yeah, that’s like a huge moment in the film and some people do choose to ignore it. So thank you for bringing it up.

I think the best way I can describe what’s happening in her life at that time is that we’re kind of thrust into the world and told there are all these rules. Rules like there are boys and there are girls. Your body is your body. That’s yours. Just a million fucking things that we learn as like how the world works. With this kind of traumatic experience— I’ll speak for Agnes. Agnes has a realization that those rules are completely made up. And the body that she thought was hers to hold and the rule to it was betrayed. So it kind of calls into question every rule we’ve learned. I think her relationship to returning to her body is one that forces her to confront what part of this she is doing because it was a learned rule and what part of this is true. And I think in that moment she has a quiet moment of reckoning with the fact that, well, this form has two bubbles. The rules that exist here are made up. So I’m going to show you what my actual experience in my body feels like. And I think it’s an honest moment. And I think what gets her in trouble in the jury scene is her desire to try to be honest amidst not really having the words for it. But that moment means a lot to me. I think it’s interesting too. I understand why people like to speak about Agnes and Lydie’s friendship as female friendship but I think it is more complicated than that and the film is more trans than people want it to be. So we’ll see.

Rendy: You were the one who had to anchor the tone through every aspect of development, production, acting, directing, and in post. How did you manage to strike that balance? Making sure that this was your vision and how you were telling this story?

Eva: I feel very grateful that Barry [Jenkins], Adele [Romanski], Mark [Ceryak], and Catalina [Rojter] who produced the film as well were very good at asking me questions to clarify what I wanted and did a good job at not putting an answer onto me. And in moments it forced me to create, and to consider something I’d never thought about. But I do think I got to make the film I wanted to make. Especially a film like this, I can see a world where the making of the film being out of my control would be deeply painful. The fact that I did feel really listened to and had a ton of creative liberty in making the film is a hugely important piece of why this film matters to me.

I honestly think the cool thing about making a movie is that, yeah, you’re alone with it for a bit, but you get to hire geniuses to be around you to support you in making the film. And then it’s no longer your film. It’s a group film. Someone has their reasons for doing it that you might never know, but you can feel it. You can feel it when people wanna be there. It came from me and now I think it does belong to all the filmmakers who made it. I invented this for myself today where I am looking forward to the release of the film because I am ready to release the film and to just send it off and wave it goodbye and sort of watch it sail around and be proud of it from afar.


Sorry, Baby is now in theatres.

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Rendy Jones

Rendy Jones (they/he) is a film and television journalist born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. They are the world's first gwen-z film journalist and owner of self-published independent outlet Rendy Reviews, a member of the Critics' Choice Association, GALECA, and a screenwriter. They have been seen in Vanity Fair, Them, RogerEbert.com, Rolling Stone, and Paste.

Rendy has written 27 articles for us.

Eva Victor’s ‘Sorry, Baby’ Is an Accomplished Traumedy About Life After Assault

This review of Eva Victor’s Sorry, Baby was originally published as part of our Sundance 2025 coverage. 


One of the first things we learn about Agnes, Eva Victor’s character in their directorial debut, Sorry, Baby, is that she is the youngest person to be made a full-time professor at the college where she works. The rest of the film will reveal how Agnes is stuck in the past — a trauma in grad school keeping her in the same house, closed off from other people — but this detail proves her competence. She can perform Being Okay even as this experience impacts her past, present, and future.

Since the mainstream Me Too Movement began in 2017, several films have aimed to meet the moment with stories about harassment and assault. While they certainly range in quality, most of these films have framed assault as either completely debilitating or as something to triumph over. Sorry, Baby lets Agnes just live.

Split into vignettes, each focused on a moment in a year of Agnes’ life, the film begins in the present before going back to the year with “the bad thing.” The film is well-constructed yet blunt. Its trauma isn’t a mystery to reveal — the form is far more interested in the trauma’s different effects with each passing year. It’s a film that trusts its audience, allowing several moments of extended quiet alongside its more obvious portrayals of the aftermath of assault.

Not only does Agnes continue to live her life — in her own altered way — the film itself continues to encompass all aspects of life including humor and tenderness. While certainly difficult to watch at times, Sorry, Baby works so well, because it’s ultimately a slice-of-life comedy. The most important relationship in the film isn’t between Agnes and her abuser but Agnes and her lesbian best friend Lydie (Naomi Ackie). Even at the doctor’s office the day after the assault, the two have a rapport that will make you laugh as well as cry. This movie recalls Frances Ha more than it does other so-called Me Too movies.

The entire supporting cast is great, but Lucas Hedges as Agnes’ neighbor/years-long casual hookup is a particularly inspired piece of casting. Hedges has a complicated sweetness to him that makes the relationship feel deeper than even Agnes wants to admit. Victor and Hedges have a casual chemistry that pushes against the character’s walls. Their romance is not the point of the film, but whenever they’re together you want it to be and that’s what makes it work so well.

While the smart script and strong performances are easy to praise, the filmmaking is just as noteworthy. The form isn’t showy, but it is skilled. This doesn’t fall into the trappings of the flat indie dramedy look seen again and again at Sundance. Even in the more standard dialogue scenes, the cinematography by Mia Cioffi Henry feels rich and specific.

If you’re a fan of Eva Victor from their comedy, Sorry, Baby with its wry observational humor won’t disappoint. But more than anything it feels like the arrival of a true filmmaker. This is an accomplished debut and I can’t wait to see what they do next.


Sorry, Baby is now in theatres.

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 738 articles for us.

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‘The Ultimatum: Queer Love’ Season 2, Episodes 4-5 Recap: Trial Marriage Time

The Choice has been made. The first Trial Marriages have begun. It’s time to delve into The Ultimatum: Queer Love season two episodes 4 and 5! Catch up on episodes 1-3 in my previous recap. And hop on into episodes 6 and 7 when you’re done here.


The Ultimatum: Queer Love Recap – Episode 4

We’re going to hop around to different parts of the episode but organized by each couple! That seems like the best way to wrangle this gay chaos into something structured.

First Week of Trial Marriages

AJ + Marie

aj and maire at restaurant

While out, Marie orders for AJ at a restaurant, which AJ finds very hot. They’re talking about future baby names, and Marie thinks AJ Jr. sounds pretty dang cute. AJ is very happy with her choice and brings up the fact that Marie brings her “chai tea” in the morning. I’m sure Britney could bring you chai in the morning, too! Sorry, just really rooting for AJ and Britney to make it work!

It’s not all rainbows and sunshine for these faux newlyweds though. Later in the episode, AJ gets a call from Britney and leaves the apartment, presumably to meet up with her, but we don’t get any footage. She comes home at 1 a.m., and and AJ is telling the dog to be quiet so as not to wake up Marie, but there’s Marie, popping on the light like a spooky gay ghost in the corner. She does not seem thrilled that AJ is getting home so late.

The next day, Marie is talking about the Valkyries, Orlando’s pro volleyball team. AJ thinks Orlando should have a WNBA team, and SAME. But then it’s time to talk about allegedly more pressing matters, like where AJ absconded to in the night. AJ shares she has seen Britney twice since their Trial Marriage began. It’s not technically against the rules per se, but it’s not exactly how things work either, so Marie feels betrayed and like a fool. While Marie was previously charmed by AJ, she thinks they’re no longer aligned on anything.

At one point, Marie sadly asks her cat if she’ll marry her. Yikes!

Bridget + Ashley 

bridget

These two are mostly just being sweet together, jokingly calling each other wifey. Bridget makes Ashley coffee. It’s true: 90% of marriage is making coffee for someone.

We don’t get a ton of screen-time from these two, but a very intense scene comes later in the episode when Ashley opens up about her first relationship in college. She couldn’t have friends, because her ex would accuse her of cheating. Her ex was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive, and a roommate of Ashley’s called the cops on her ex when things got violent one night. Ashley ended up lying for her ex in court and kept dating her for a while after. It sounds like a very bad situation! I’m glad she’s opening up about it, because it’s important to talk about domestic violence in queer relationships. Too often, we’re left out of those conversations, which only makes it easier for abusers to get away with their behaviors. Bridget is a very good and supportive listener in all this. She doesn’t judge Ashley for staying with her ex as long as she did.

I’m like oh it makes so much sense why you have baggage about not only marriage but also the grand romantic gestures Marita is so desperate for. I can’t know for sure about Ashley’s particular situation, but abusive relationships also often come with a lot of grand romantic gestures in attempts to manipulate or otherwise smooth over the abuse. If Ashley’s struggling to give Marita the grand romantic antics she wants, maybe this is why! I wonder how much she has talked to Marita about this. Throughout the season, we see some of the cast opening up about personal issues in ways they haven’t quite reached with their actual partners. I think that makes sense! It’s way lower stakes to open up to someone you’ve just met. (The cameras might make it high stakes, but you’d be surprised. I watch enough reality television to know that actually people have an easier time getting vulnerable in front of cameras than in their regular lives. There’s almost a layer of UNreality to it for them.)

Marita + Britney

marita and brittney

While I am not rooting for these two to fall in love because that seems entirely out of the question, I AM rooting for these two to have a beautiful and long-lasting femme4femme friendship. They got each other flowers! Marita doesn’t know Britney met up with AJ, but I don’t think she’d care as much as Marie does. Britney resolves to show Marita “some daddy energy” tonight by cooking for her. This is sweet! They could end up having the happiest Trial Marriage precisely because they’re treating it not like a trial run for romance but as a chance to get to know someone and open up about their relationships with a free nice apartment with a view.

Pilar + Kyle

Pilar and Kyle

Pilar and Kyle kick off their Trial Marriage by starting a Polaroid photo wall. If only things could stay this sweet and wholesome forever, but there’s drama coming for these two’s artificial martial bliss. Kyle already seems on edge right away, and the two of them get very lost in the sauce of a cake metaphor for marriage where Pilar is like do you really want to eat the same cake for the rest of your life, and Kyle is like yeah, I really like the cake! I’m not wondering about other cakes!

Later, on a day date, Kyle apologizes for being so in her head. There’s a lot happening for her. It seems to me like she might be regretting this whole Going On Reality Television thing. She observes it doesn’t seem like Pilar is dealing with the same inner turmoil she is, and Pilar assures her she is. She says if she can suddenly see herself with another person, that’s going to be really telling for her in how she feels about her actual relationship. She seems to be invested in the viability of the experiment as something that can actually show you something about your self/relationship.

Haley + Magan

Haley & Megan

Okay, we’re going to get into the meat of the episode now, starting with the fact that Magan and Haley are so clearly and quickly falling for each other. They’re playing pool and being very flirty. Later in the episode, Magan literally GIGGLES at Haley yawning. Oh girl, you’re FALLING falling.

They have a heart-to-heart about Magan’s familial baggage, an issue Haley is no doubt familiar with given Pilar’s situation. Magan says because she wasn’t taking herself seriously, her family wasn’t either. “I was unsure, so they were unsure,” she says. “Now I don’t feel unsure. I feel confident.” She gave her family so many passes before, but now she’s feeling more secure in herself and her sexuality. She’ll keep trying with them, so long as she’s getting respect and her partner is getting respect. Haley gives her a heartfelt and genuine pep talk, and Magan tells her she means a lot to her.

Later, Haley and Magan run into Mel and Dayna at the apartment complex pool, and Dayna apparently didn’t say hello to Magan or even acknowledge her. Magan’s hurt. We’ll come back to this little pool incident!

Magan and Haley feel so safe and protected together. It seems like both really needed someone to open up to and be vulnerable with, and I get the impression they haven’t been able to be vulnerable in their relationships. (Their original relationships are so different though: Haley has been with Pilar for a decade, and Magan and Dayna have been together less than two years.)

And it doesn’t seem like solely an emotional connection here…there’s real romantic chemistry! They play sexy games with a blindfold! Magan likes physical intimacy, like a hand on a leg, and kisses places other than lips. Haley says sex can really tell you how a relationship is going. God, this show really is only interesting when people have sex during their Trial Marriages, so I’m hoping that’s where this is leading!!!!! If not for them, I think it’s safe to say it’ll happen for………

Mel + Dayna

melnand dayna

Mel and Dayna are pretty hot and heavy right away in their Trial Marriage, too. Mel wants Dayna to be in the room while she pees! Mel goes full chef mode for their first dinner together, making a beautiful fish. Dayna says she doesn’t her dirty fingers touching her food, and Mel seizes the opportunity to ask “where would you like me to put my dirty fingers?” I love that this show reveals the true nature of lesbians, which is that we love a dirty joke, possibly even more than straight men do. We’re filthy!

They enjoy their beautiful dinner on the balcony with their beautiful view of the sunset. This used to be my life like every night for the two years I lived in Miami. The show is making me miss it.

They ruminate on the choices they made in each other. Mel thought they were going to fight, which is interesting for her to confess since she did indeed CHOOSE Dayna. She thought they were going to fight AND she chose her? I have a lot of questions about what Mel thinks a relationship is supposed to look/feel like, because she does seem to really value conflict. Dayna thought she was going to have trust issues with Mel, which is a wild thing to say about someone you’ve just met, but alas. She WILL drive her food truck into a river, as we know.

Dayna is shocked and delighted that Mel cooked the fish with truffle oil, which she has never had before. “You spent $25 on an oil you don’t even like for ME?” she asks. That is, indeed, romance.

Dayna and Mel have a day date by the pool, where Dayna reflects on the evening before when Mel apparently took the gum out of Dayna’s mouth for herself. How very Sirens-coded of them. Dayna shares in a talking head that she usually takes longer to process things, but she’s letting go with Mel.

Not everyone is thrilled about Dayna and Mel’s pool date though. As mentioned, Magan did not like that Dayna did not acknowledge her. And Marie really doesn’t like that Mel also ignores her. These pool encounters between the couples aren’t captured on camera, but the reactions to them sure are. Marie can’t believe Mel wouldn’t even make eye contact with her, and this leads to what looks a lot like a panic attack she has in the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Mel and Dayna are in their own little bubble that apparently no one can penetrate, not even for a casual hello. Mel says her feelings have grown for Dayna, and oh boy they’re making out on the balcony! There’s a booty grab! It’s a for real make out, and it’s fully on camera.

Before heading out for another night out, Mel asks if Dayna “wants to tongue” before they leave. Not the way I’d word it, but to each their own.


Second Week of Trial Marriages

Mel + Dayna

Let’s stick with these two. So, we’ve got some physical intimacy happening at the end of week one of the Trial Marriage. And now at the start of week two, they’re discussing the codependency that has already emerged. (It sounds like some classic enmeshment to me, too, but I can’t expect them to know every therapy term on these shows.) Dayna points out they’re spending all their time together, and Mel says she feels like they could spend even more time together (joking…I hope?!). The only time they’re not together is when one of them is in the shower.

Mel asks Dayna how long she would wait after getting married to have kids. Dayna wants a really big wedding, one that not only she and her future partner could never forget but her guests, too. Okay, so yeah, she’s that type of girl, which is no shade from me! I wanted a big wedding, too. But I didn’t until I was with the person who I wanted it with…if that makes sense. I think sometimes people hinge all their hopes and dreams on a hypothetical huge wedding where it doesn’t really matter who the other person is. I was always drawn to the idea of a big wedding, but it was always going to depend on whether the person I was with wanted it too and whether I thought that fit our relationship’s style and needs. ENOUGH ABOUT ME. Mel is indeed opening every so slightly up to the idea of marriage, if she had the right person. I’m starting to feel like Marie isn’t that person for her if that’s the way she’s talking about it here.

Pilar + Kyle

Okay, yikes, we have something serious happening here. Kyle and Pilar return home to the apartment, and Pilar is crying and apologizing. Kyle explains to the camera that they were out dancing and Pilar wanted to kiss, and Kyle said no, but then later in the night Pilar started making out with her and Kyle didn’t stop her. It’s difficult to get a grasp on exactly what happened given that it was all off camera, and it becomes more muddled and confusing in the episode to come, but basically it sounds like there was some boundary blurring or crossing, and now they’re both trying to figure out how to proceed.

This is also when I recall that 60% of this show is People Having Serious Conversations Under Blankets on the Couch. We indeed get one of those scenes here, with Pilar and Kyle on the couch chatting about what happened. Kyle doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. Pilar feels guilt because everyone seems to think it’s so easy for her going through this process. She feels stupid. Kyle doesn’t think her boundaries were being respected. She says Pilar had been saying a lot of things the night before, and Pilar says it was because Kyle said she likes words of affirmation. “So you’re like playing the game?” Kyle asks, and Pilar takes great offense at this. She doesn’t feel like she was leading Kyle on or playing any type of game. She says Kyle is pinning something on her that was mutual, painting it in a weird way. She walks out.

Again, I’m having trouble discerning everything here, especially since they’re both speaking kind of vaguely and because we didn’t see the evening out in question. Episode five delves into it some more, so let’s go ahead and move right on along.


Next: Ultimatum Queer Love Recap: Episode 5

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1049 articles for us.

2 Comments

  1. – It was sketchy to me how AJ discloses of having met Britney after being found out by Marie and then saying something like: “From now on, I will truly 100% commit to you…” Yeah sure. Especially after all AJ’s extensive playing during the dates and Kyle’s confrontation about it.

    – I wholeheartedly agree with you on this Kayla (re: Ashley): “it makes so much sense why you have baggage about not only marriage but also the grand romantic gestures Marita is so desperate for.“
    For one: there is a higher risk for people who experienced domestic violence to experience this again. And if one experiences domestic violence in a marriage, it can be harder to leave! All the binding legal stuff! And also, yes, domestic violence and grand gestures so often go hand in hand!

    – “The cameras might make it high stakes, but you’d be surprised. I watch enough reality television to know that actually people have an easier time getting vulnerable in front of cameras than in their regular lives. There’s almost a layer of UNreality to it for them.” – But… millions of viewers who then know your secret that your partner even doesn’t know? I don’t understand. But then, I don’t understand the concept of reality television altogether.

    – Enmeshment is very different to codependency… Yes, thank you.

    – Pilar & Kyle: It was puzzling to me how they spoke about the kiss “what happened” – “happen” as word instead of Pilar kissing Kyle, Kyle maybe kissing back, maybe not. I got really bad vibes from that. Obviously we have no idea what happened, but if Pilar wanted to kiss and Kyle said no, I am confused why Pilar would try again later that very night. And why in the conversations that followed, Pilar doesn’t straight up say: “I’m so sorry I crossed your boundary, that’s on me. What do you need me to do to start repairing it?” but instead insists that Kyle gave mixed messages and it was Kyle’s responsibility. I get that this is all stressful, and communication is not the best in moments of high stress and hurt feelings, but Pilar could have also asked Kyle what of her actions made it hard for Kyle to say no, what made Kyle uncomfortable, and it would have been an entire different conversation!
    Once again, I have no clue what exactly went down but people who may first cross boundaries and then cry and tell the person whose boundary they crossed that it was their fault or that their naming of crossed boundaries is hurtful… Not great.
    I really wanted someone to stand up for Kyle! For her to have a back-up who understands that for some people, saying no is hard and then getting in conflict about a boundary that wasn’t respected and is not acknowledged by the person who disrespected the boundary is a shitty situation to be in!

    – The conversations about femme-femme and femme-masc-relationships is also something I would like to see more of! And a masc person willing to carry. In the film “The Same Difference,” studs were very hard on each other and even hateful when one of them decided to carry… I, too, would be interested to have more conversations about this. But it is very clear that the show has different priorities than me.

    – Dayna: “My mom is my best friend.” Me: “This explains a lot.” Red flag indeed.

    – “Dayna thinks Mel is just scared, not that she actually doesn’t want things like marriage, positioning herself as a bigger expert on Mel’s feelings and desires than Mel herself after a mere few weeks of knowing her.” Sometimes people do this also when knowing a person better. A friend of mine wanted kids but the partner did not. And my friend said to her partner that she was just scared when indeed her partner just didn’t want what my friend wanted. In my experience, people do this move to get what they want instead of accepting that what the other person wants is not congruent to their own desire.
    It is baffling that Dayna, after hearing Mel’s background story, just brushes everything aside and is like: “Not a problem! Your partner can carry!” Mel has more reasons for not wanting children than medical ones. But then again, after everything I’ve seen so far, maybe not so baffling after all.

  2. Thank you for the “chai tea” note

    This whole festival of ridiculous reality tv with recaps is such a delight. I’m on my way to spend the weekend with a bunch of heteros, and am now stopping myself from reading more bc getting to have comfy queer humor at the ready is such a good feeling. A true public service, these are!

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