You guys, True Blood is SOOOO good this season! Twist after turn after twist after turn! See, I watch True Blood at 9:00 PM on Sunday nights and I’m always super pumped to follow up my True Blood viewing session with a brand-new ripe episode of The Real L Word at 10pm because, as I think we can all agree here, The Real L Word is basically the Mona Lisa of reality television and this Sunday night was no exception.
It’s like Monsterpiece Theater.
Someone call Charles Darwin ’cause there’s some serious evolution going on this season. And that evolution is happening on top of Romi’s head.
Romi Klinger: helping babygays everywhere by demonstrating a new alternative lifestyle haircut every week.
So we open with a warning from some benevolent higher power that this show is for mature audiences, which is debatable.
You know what this show needs? Men!
I’m especially digging the opening theme song this week. It’s like how I feel about this show, “It was just another night, I don’t wanna think about it.” It’s perfect!
We open with Venice Beach stock footage and unfamiliar hip-hop music which means this scene will either be about the black girl or the girl-sporting-the-hairstyle-traditionally-associated-with-black-people.
It turns out to be the former — Sajdah and Chanel are at the laundromat, washing cum towels, that blue shirt Sajdah wears in every interview and probably about ten Hanes white v-neck t-shirts. Saj loves the V.
Sajdah: “Things are going well for Chanel and I. We’ve been together for over a month now, and we’ve progressed a lot, I mean, we’re intimate, I don’t know I think it’s time to take the next step.”
Sajdah’s basically attempting to corner Chanel into a Promise Keepers situation and Chanel isn’t having it.
Sajdah: “You moving in, you’re my wife, we should practice.”
Chanel: “Practice what?”
Sajdah: “Being married.”
Chanel: “You just wanna have sex.”
Sajdah: “Not just for sex, I want you around all the time.”
Specifically around Sajdah’s waist:
Sajdah: “I hump her in public, she gets really upset about it. I mean shit, that’s the perk of being in a relationship.”
It’s true that if you’re in a relationship you’re less likely to get a shot of pepper spray in your eyeballs when you violate a woman’s pre-established physical boundaries, but that still don’t make it polite, RamboLesbo.
Chanel: “Stop grabbing my butt in public.”
Sajdah: “I wanna fuck you.”
Sajdah’s basically one unwanted humping away from being a part of somebody’s yelp review on how this laundromat is filled with crazy people.
Cut to church, where KayKay’s humbling herself before G-d, praying about sperm.
“I couldn’t imagine not having kids,” says Kacy. Me neither, ’cause it’s all they ever talk about. I feel like without a baby they’d dissolve into thin air.
Kacy: “There’s something about getting on your knees, and really focusing in on what you want.”
Again this week Laneia decided to watch the show with her girlfriend and provide me with periodic updates re: their feelings:
Oh good, Vivian’s coming to LA. Cocomo Claire needs a buddy with arms and legs and a really gigantic heart right about now.
Vivian hops into Clairealicious’s Lovemobile where a rose awaits her in the passenger seat ’cause Claire’s such a gentle tiger and Vivian is really just obnoxiously hot and has a Julia Stiles voice.
Oh and also:
Claire: “It’s good to see a face that doesn’t wanna rip my head off every second of every day.”
Vivian, who seems at once totally over it and totally into it, chats with Claire about the possibility of running into Francine during this trip, maybe at a Pan-Asian restaurant or something.
More fun topics await:
Claire: “You know I like it when we’re joined at the hip but I feel like sometimes we start bickering when we’re joined at the hip.”
Vivian: “I like how you’re already thinking about us not getting along which actually doesn’t usually happen. You’re confusing me with your other Asian.”
Cut to an unnamed restaurant, probably The Olive Garden, where Khristianne and Francine are having dinner with Kelsey and Romi to talk shit about Claire.
So, Francine digs in, you know me and Claire aren’t speaking anymore, right? which serves to intro a Shittalking Shitstorm which is, ultimately, glorious. Claire’s growing on me as like the most entertaining aspect of this show ’cause she’s so fucking unpredictably bratzy.
Francine ignites the storm with an email from Claire which Francine remembers going like this:
“Everyone’s such a loser on the show. No one even has a real job. Everyone works in retail or in makeup that’s not a real job.”
Not Kelsey! Kelsey doesn’t have any job at all, she’s just keeping it real and babysitting the fairies who live in Romi’s hairdo, buying the alcohol, writing poetry and making dinner from Rachel Ray’s 20-Minute Dinners for Unhappy Couples.
But AHEM Romi’s going through a Productive Life Transformation and Accomplishing Big Things and don’t you dare, CLAIRE, insult Romi at this juncture.
Francine: “Then she’s like, Whitney all she does is party for a living.”
Romi: “Bitch you moved here with no job, go back. Who does she think she is? What does she think I’m doing?”
If you thought this scene was about Claire or Francine or Khristianne you’re wrong, it’s about Romi!
Francine: “You know what she said about Sara? That she has a dog face.”
Meaningful, coming from someone who occasionally verges on Golden Retrievery hair.
Kelsey: “Oh hell no.”
Romi [interview]: “I was like alright, she’s a deb, she’s done.”
Romi does what every sensible lesbian does when they receive second-hand gossip about someone talking shit about their friends to a different friend: she immediately texts everyone she knows. That’s my girl.
Cue Lesbian Text-Message Tree!
Cut to Whitney’s Pussy Palace, where she’s getting Romi’s text in real time and who’s there to process the shit-talking with her? None other than Razor-Tongued Rose Garcia, who you all remember from Season One. It’s almost like Whitney phoned-a-friend and picked the Shit-Talking Expert to come in for a consult.
Whitney, reading Romi’s text:
“I was about to help her with her with the shoot but I guess I can tell her I’m too busy playing with lipstick. Who does this bitch think she is?”
Malibu Barbie, I think.
Whitney: “Here’s the thing: you can’t hold your own in any city. You’re whack. You have no personality and no fucking soul, so good luck in any city.”
Rose: “Nobody likes this girl, dude.”
Claire’s gonna have to move to the country, maybe Nebraska or something.
Whitney says Claire could’ve had a “friend circle” (like the classic Minnie Driver vehicle Circle of Friends) but instead she’s just got a giant bucket o’enemies (like the classic 156-piece chicken meal from Kentucky Fried Chicken).
Vivian’s making dinner and Claire’s making emotional progress (kinda) — reminiscing about the old days, when Claire had a job and she’d come home to Vivian naked making dinner. As you’ll see when Vivian reveals her naked ass in mere minutes, Claire’s decision to leave that life for LA was completely deranged.
Claire’s amped about her Website Page Magazine Photo Lifestyle Shoot for which Vivian’s gonna be the stylist ’cause she’s got mad style.
I keep imagining the photo shoot will look like this:
Or maybe like this:
I feel sad and sorry for Claire here, somehow — the experience of nobody showing up to your event, whether it be Twat: The Night or the Photoshoot Party, is uniquely devastating, and Claire’s got feelings underneath that tough denim-clad exterior, ’cause all humans have feelings.
Vivian and Claire deftly manhandle chopsticks, put food in their mouths and talk about themselves. Vivian reminds Claire that even when Claire’s a Giant Asshole, Vivian doesn’t “put up a big stink.”
Vivian & Claire eschew the seemingly obligatory West Hollywood Post-Dinner Activity, which is “going to The Abbey and yelling at somebody,” in favor of gymnastics. WHO WANTS TO FLY THE AIRPLANE?!!!
Note that Claire’s pulling off white pants and that it’s only the first night of Hannukah. Vivian hops off into the rosebushes while Claire changes out of her Dinner Shirt into her Sexy Shirt…
… and out comes Vivian in her Slutty Little Bo Peep ensemble from Halloween ’04.
Over to Doggie Disneyland where Romi & Kelsey have come to have a fight on a blanket where the lighting is better than in the apartment. Kelsey wants to drink, Romi wants to think, there’s a turtle in the sink and I liked the roller rink.
Romi’s wearing Kid-n-Play’s old gym bag as a smock and her hair has scaled new dimensions of Incredible, much like the bird Woodstock from that beloved comic series starring Charlie Brown (founder of the emo movement) and Peppermint Patty (Romi’s first lesbian experience).
Kelsey: “You know what I miss? Bloody Marys in the sun.”
Romi: “Why don’t we just make Bloody Marys with no vodka?”
‘Cause that’s just V-8 with an olive?
Kelsey: “I’m not the one with a problem, Romi is, and I definitely don’t need to drink all the time but on occassion if I wanna have a drink with my sister or whoever, I would like to do that and not feel pressure that I can’t.”
I love the “with my sister or whatever” detail. “It’s a family thing, this drinking, okay? It’s because of my family and it’s because of God. God loves Boones Farm.” Romi and her hair are unimpressed:
Romi warns Kelsey that drinking is playing with fire, but I think Romi also knows that Kelsey has to figure that out for herself, and maybe Kelsey knows that too, now. Romi’s basically grown up five years in five weeks and Kelsey’s kinda sitting in the corner with her toys, wondering when her playmate got so busy and important and grown-up.
Cori & Kacy are doing arts and crafts and talking about sperm. They’re making posters for their friends’ Roller Derby match, and judging by the materials they’re using I’m hoping the team mascot is a second-grade girl. (Also does this mean a Roller Derby scene is in our future!?!!)
In some interview somewhere Cori says the word “my acupuncturist” and somewhere else in some other dimension Cori says “Virginia” and somewhere else altogether she says “swears I’m pregnant,” and by the magic of editing, those two lines are placed back to back and this is what it says:
Cori: “My acupuncturist Virginia swears I’m pregnant because my boobs are swollen and sore and it’s too soon for PMS.”
How will we know for sure that they’re bigger though? Maybe Kacy should check it out.
Second base is the new black this week — we’ve got Sajdah grabbing at Chanel’s tits in the laundropedia, Claire sneaking under Vivian’s shirt and chanting “little boobies” while Vivian chops vegetables, and Kacy inspecting Cori’s cup size during an Arts and Crafts Session.
Cori: “At work all I do is just think — Did I feel something?”
Kacy: “My nostril flared do you think I’m pregnant? Is that a pregnant thing? Can you google that? It’s been a little bit like that in our home. My eyebrow twitched. Does that mean I’m pregnant? Do pregnant women’s eyebrows twitch?”
Cori: “She’s kinda right.”
Maybe Cori’s just retaining a lot of water.
Back at Sajdah’s Sexyspot, Chanel wants to talk about feelings. You can’t talk about finance reform all day after all.
Chanel wants to be heard and wants her boundaries respected. Sajdah wants to make out before football practice.
Sajdah: “You’re talking about me like I’m a dog, like I need to get my nuts cut off.”
Chanel: “You’re acting like one.”
Eventually Chanel wrangles one little promise out of Sajdah:
Chanel interviews that conversations need to involve two people who share their feelings, listen to one another and ideally come to some kind of conclusion regarding how to improve things in the future.
Sajdah says, “Maybe if you let me bang you out at home I wouldn’t be trying to bang you out in public all the time.”
Back at Whitney World, Rachel’s dishing on her Vidal Sassoon interview. Rachel wants that job so bad she’d give a blow job for it! Really, she said that. Rachel’s character can be summed up like so: crying, blow jobs, whitney.
Rachel does seem, however, intensely vulnerable and recalls that scene in Magnolia where the child star says something like, “I’ve got so much love to give, I just don’t know where to put it.” I hope she gets this job and buys a new boom for Showtime ’cause this whole scene sounds like they’ve got a mic hanging from the ceiling fan.
Rachel: “I gave up my life to pursue a dream in Los Angeles you know I had an amazing life in New York with people I really love and care about so if I don’t get [the job], I’ll probably be crushed. But everything happens for a reason I guess.”
It’s been a nightmare, in fact: her ex-girlfriend keeps sleeping with other clones which leaves Ray-Ray bedless on her vaycay to San Francisco and lonely in her own house, she’s sliced her hand open, overdosed on klonopin, gotten fingerfucked in the bathroom, masturbated on camera and cried at least 16 times.
Someone throw this girl a bone.
Rachel: “I won’t know until Friday which is like getting tested for Herpes or something, like WHY WON’T YOU TELL ME NOW!?”
Whitney & Romi are in the Whitney Wagon, going out for a romantic platonic dinner to talk shit about Claire talking shit about them.
Whitney: “You better believe that next time I see her I’m gonna share my feelings with her.”
Romi: “I think that would be really good.”
Ilene Chaiken: “I agree.”
(I agree too).
Dinner topics include Romi’s new life as an enlightened sobriety goddess who’s basically six feet or less away from being the next Tiffany’s and how that life doesn’t jive with Kelsey’s. “I’m not on a cleanse, this is a lifestyle change,” says Ro-Ro. As you can see by referencing the hair chart I first introduced in the introduction to this post, Romi’s lifestyle is becoming increasingly vertical:
Whitney’s proud of Romi for her sobriety and thank G-d because maybe Romi wouldn’t talk about her Sobriety Achievements so often if someone else would talk about them for her. Romi is doing a very hard thing and she’s doing it well and deserves a lot more recognition/congratulations than she’s getting right now.
Then we get back to talking shit about Claire:
Whitney: “Why did Claire talk shit about us… she’s blacklisting herself.”
Back at Chez Cool Claire, Claire & Vivian are prepping for a night out on the town with all of Claire’s enemies. “It’s a year and a half in the making,” Claire says, probably referring to her hair flip.
Vivian & Francine have met before but this’ll be the first time they’ll all be under the same roof, although technically if they go outside, which they will, ’cause they always do, they won’t be under any roof. Claire’s irrationally concerned, it’d seem, that her two Asians are gonna leave her for each other, like Tina and Dancer-Boy did to Artie on Glee.
Claire: “I’m gonna be sitting there like a tool with my thumb on the air like now my girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend are dancing together on the dance floor.”
Claire predicts everything will blow up in her face like the World Trade. I hope so! Dramatic action rising to a climax? That’s almost like a real teevee show!
At the Megahot Lesbian Dance Club, Whitney explains that she can’t lie (“I’m not gonna lie” -Whitney), she must follow the Goddess of Lesbian Dramz and accuse Claire of taking shit about her.
Somehow this whole shit-talking gossip party storyline is incredibly entertaining to me. It’s hilarious! Obviously Claire denies saying any of that shit but her hips don’t lie.
Whitney: “Claire responds shocked but I see a little deer in the headlights coming through her eyes, I’m not gonna lie. Do I think that you really MEANT the things that you said? No. Do I think you were like “UGGGH I wish I hadn’t said some things?” Yeah.”
Claire’s weak defense, albeit conjured in-the-moment, is that Francine threw her shit on the lawn. How could Claire talk shit about Whitney in a world where Claire’s gotta traipse about practically topless amongst the ruins of her life via boxes because Francine threw her shit on the fucking front lawn? Right?
Did someone say “thrown under the bus”? Aw, Real L Word, you almost didn’t do it — and then you had to go ahead and do it.
Whitney conferences with Francine who’s got proof on her phone that Claire did indeed say all the things she said, therefore confirming that Claire is indeed the Bigger Bananahead.
It’s worth noting that Francine is like this tiny thing and she’s always wrapped in extra layers like she got cold and some giant butch lent her a puffy coat. Add a Captain Kangaroo hat and lines like “You’re Evil!” to this equation and it’s priceless, she’s priceless, she’s perfect. It’s hilarious!
But it’s not nearly as hilarious as Claire’s facial expressions:
The girls devolve into one of their traditionally complicated intellectual battles of spirit and soul:
Francine: “This is what you said about everyone you told me that everyone’s a loser on the show and nobody has a real job except for me. Yes you did. And then you told me that Sara has a dog face. You didn’t say that?”
Claire: “I fucking didn’t say that.”
Francine: “Oh really?”
Francine: “You are a lying person – WOW WOW THIS GIRL’S LYING — you’re lying!!!”
Claire: “Francine you’re fucking literally making an ass out of yourself–”
Francine: “Put it out there, you wanna talk shit? ‘Cause I never judge anyone.”
Claire: “Francine? What did I say about them?”
Francine: “You told me that Whitney doesn’t have a real job and all she does is party.”
Claire’s eyes are popping out of her strained headskull. She’s also violently clapping her hands, maybe to remind Francine of thunder or car accidents or other terrible things that could happen to her today.
Claire: “I never said that! I never said that!”
Francine: “Oh really? Wow you’re evil, you’re evil. How can I pull this out of my ass?”
Vivian: “Honestly Claire was making herself look like an idiot.”
Claire keeps hightailing around the club like Yosemite Sam while Vivian goes to comfort Francine. That’s when you know you’re in trouble — when your girlfriend is on your ex-girlfriend’s side.
Claire’s my favorite now, she’s like the Puck of The Real L Word.
Anyhow back to Romi’s Big Career. Romi’s jewelry line is called “Hija” which is Spanish for “daughter” which’ll not only look good with hoodies but also pay tribute to her father’s side of the family and make them bajillion gazillioniares!
Romi’s hooking up with Love & Pride, the Fantastic Jewelry Company Who Brought You The L Word Line, and the product placement possibilities are endless!
Romi: “Working really hard on something you love doing and really believe in, that’s the best.”
That’s totally true. Four for you, Romi Klinger.
Back at Lair de Claire, Claire remains ablaze with fury and essentially is now saying that yes, yes indeed she did say those things to Francine about the cast, but Francine took them out of context. That’s not fair, says Claire. I said those things during an improv game. She asked me “Why doesn’t Whitney ever go out?” and I was like “all she does is go out.” Isn’t that entrapment?
Vivian, looking about eight kinds of “over it,” handles Claire like she’s the Swifter Picker Upper of Claire’s psychological refuse.
Vivian: “Claire is a super-brat. She’s a large child. She really does need to be able to apologize and be mature.”
Claire doesn’t have the time to sit here and talk shit, she says while sitting there and talking shit.
Back in Whitney’s Winterdome, Rachel didn’t get the job and, as promised, is crushed. Furthermore she got turned down over e-mail so Mr. Sassoon didn’t get to hear her tears!
Rachel interviews that she’s sad and lonely and about forty other kinds of neglected/unhappy and you kinda want to give her a hug.
Rachel: “I wish Whitney would get out of Whitneyworld and realize that I’m like, you know — I’m drowning here.”
Alyssa’s Sage Wisdom of the Night:
Alyssa: [to Whitney] “I think that you make beds and then you make me lie in them.”
Whitney: “I didn’t make any beds here! Whoaaaa!”
In fact, Whitney hasn’t TOUCHED that bed since the creamed corn congealed on the matress.
Rachel and Claire should start an Expats Support Group for People Who Should’ve Stayed in New York.
We return to the Barren Boudoir where tampons sit ominously on the kitchen table, announcing the arrival of blood, cramps, and no-baby. Though sometimes the first day of your period can feel like giving birth to blood-clotted vampire mini-babies.
This is all really sweet and again, Cori and Kacy seem like truly awesome people, but Jesus Christ this is boring. “Woman wants to be pregnant and can’t get pregnant” is such a common yet snoozy teevee storyline and Charlotte York maxed out my reserves on this topic.
At least Cori can have a cigarette now and luckily Kacy brought two along with those tampons. Best Butch on the Block goes to Kacy, second week in a row!
The sad sad song lingers on…
Francine, or maybe a magical elf, had a brilliant idea for Francine to invite “the girls” over to watch a PowerPoint presentation about her backyard and then do some landscaping. Seriously.
Francine: “The back yard is the big mess, so I said why don’t we have a party and make a fun event out of trying to landscape the yard?”
After that, we’re gonna make a fun event out of mattress shopping, calling Time Warner and going to the dentist!
Francine: “We’re just gonna have a chill night and talk about what everybody would like to contribute to the back yard.”
Sajdah: “So Francine comes up with this crazy excuse to make us all do her yard work for her and she disguises it as a party, “the landscaping party.”
Sajdah is ready to party though, make no mistake. Meanwhile Chanel’s left in the dust, feeling shy and weird, like so many of us do in large social gatherings captured on camera for premium cable.
Chanel’s off to the side, staring at the welcome screen on her blackberry pretending like she’s conversing with important friends.
Romi tries to school Sajdah on how to be a good girlfriend:
Romi: “Well make her feel comfortable. Let her be her, let her do it her own way in her own time… be good to her, she’s a sweetheart and, let’s be real, the best-looking person on this show.”
Just kidding I added everything after “she’s a sweetheart.” Romi didn’t say that part, only the first part.
Chanel, like many socially awkward humans before her, switches to Plan B which is “relocate to a locked room” because it’s better to feel like a loser in an empty room than it is to feel alone in a crowded room. (Trust me, I know, and feel for Chanel here.) Sajdah peeks in to make matters worse.
Chanel wants to leave (Plan C), foiling Sajdah’s future as a crab-apple tree curator. Sajdah says bye to everyone while acknowledging Dramz, which breaks like three rules of Lesbian Fight Club.
Sajdah and Chanel take this spitfire of emotional turmoil to a vehicle:
Sajdah: “I have never in all of my life been in a relationship. I have never sacrificed a me for someone else. It’s not easy for me to express myself like that, it’s not easy for me to be vulnerable.”
Sajdah learned everything she knows about dating from Gaston.
Chanel: “You’re laughing and being the joke of the party talking about hoes* and this and that and just wanna be Mister Funny Person. I don’t feel that it’s fair that you’re not allowing me my time to grow and know these people on my own terms. I’ve been feeling out of touch with MY reality.”
Sajdah:“Are you fucking kidding me?”
Chanel:“No I’m not.”
Sajdah:“No, that’s why because you’re not listening. You know what? You’re not listening. You’re not listening. I’m ready to run again.”
Sajdah’s confusing “you’re not listening” with “you don’t agree with me.”
* the kind you garden with
Sajdah: “I’m ready to run again.”
Sajdah: “I don’t have time for this shit. You said the stupidest shit and I’ll take you right back to where you’re trying to go.”
Sajdah’s not gonna change for anybody. Sajdah just wants to be Sajdah and so if Chanel wants to be Chanel then she’s gonna have to do it without Sajdah because Sajdah just absolutely under no circumstances can be Sajdah unless Chanel is Sajdah.
Ultimately, Sajdah would sooner break up then process emotions or navigate the sticky sapphic slopes of this fast-tracked relationship. Let’s break all the rules of Lesbian Fight Club while we’re at it:
Sajdah: “You know what? If we’re so fucking different than why are we even having this conversation?”
Chanel: “You’re so dominating in a situation that it overpowers the other people.”
Sajdah: “If you have a problem with that, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with me.”
Chanel: “What am I doing wrong?”
Sajdah: “I’m not critiquing you.”
Chanel: “You are!”
Sajdah: “What the hell?! You’re critiquing me!”
Chanel: “It’s not about you! It’s only about me!”
Sajdah: “Well maybe that’s the problem cause I ain’t having this conversation!”
Chanel: “That’s what a relationship is about!”
Sajdah: “Then let’s not do it.”
Chanel: “I had real feelings and you think that other people are gonna be like that. Not everybody’s like that.”
Sajdah: “We’re young. This is new. We promised to have fun every day. I’m done with this Chanel, like fuck it, man. I’m not gonna change –”
Chanel: “Part of being in a relationship–”
Sajdah: “Fuck it — I GIVE UP. I GIVE UP. I QUIT.”
Despite how totally totally wrong Sajdah is in this conversation, if you really think about it this whole sitch isn’t as “out there” as it seems. Think about the douchetastic or otherwise radically ridiculous things you’ve said in relationship fights under the assumption that relationship fights are a sacred space. Your partner is sworn to secrecy because of Mutual Assured Destruction and because Lawd Knows nobody besides you two will understand what inspired such outrageousness. I suppose reality TV rests on the laurels of How Ridiculous Relationship Fights Can Be. Simply throwing those into a public forum is drama enough.
It’s painful, really, this scene — and if you’ve ever been shouted over like this with it hurts doubly and it hurt earlier when Claire shouted over Francine too. Nothing like the ol’ “Repeat the Same Ridiculous thing 45 times over and over in a loud voice so I can’t get a sensible word in edgewise” trick.
Chanel: “You’re gonna try so hard to prove that you’re right and you know and you’re so wrong.”
Sajdah: “If I’m so wrong why are you still here?”
Chanel: “Well, I guess I’m just fucking stupid.”
Sajdah: “Stop fighting please, please stop fighting because I’m done. Goodnight.”
Um? Update on Francine’s yard, anybody?
And now, your moment of zen: