You guys, True Blood is SOOOO good this season! Twist after turn after twist after turn! See, I watch True Blood at 9:00 PM on Sunday nights and I’m always super pumped to follow up my True Blood viewing session with a brand-new ripe episode of The Real L Word at 10pm because, as I think we can all agree here, The Real L Word is basically the Mona Lisa of reality television and this Sunday night was no exception.
It’s like Monsterpiece Theater.
Someone call Charles Darwin ’cause there’s some serious evolution going on this season. And that evolution is happening on top of Romi’s head.
Romi Klinger: helping babygays everywhere by demonstrating a new alternative lifestyle haircut every week.
So we open with a warning from some benevolent higher power that this show is for mature audiences, which is debatable.
You know what this show needs? Men!
I’m especially digging the opening theme song this week. It’s like how I feel about this show, “It was just another night, I don’t wanna think about it.” It’s perfect!
We open with Venice Beach stock footage and unfamiliar hip-hop music which means this scene will either be about the black girl or the girl-sporting-the-hairstyle-traditionally-associated-with-black-people.
It turns out to be the former —Â Sajdah and Chanel are at the laundromat, washing cum towels, that blue shirt Sajdah wears in every interview and probably about ten Hanes white v-neck t-shirts. Saj loves the V.
Sajdah: “Things are going well for Chanel and I. We’ve been together for over a month now, and we’ve progressed a lot, I mean, we’re intimate, I don’t know I think it’s time to take the next step.”
Sajdah’s basically attempting to corner Chanel into a Promise Keepers situation and Chanel isn’t having it.
Sajdah: “You moving in, you’re my wife, we should practice.”
Chanel: “Practice what?”
Sajdah: “Being married.”
Chanel: “You just wanna have sex.”
Sajdah: “Not just for sex, I want you around all the time.”
Specifically around Sajdah’s waist:
Sajdah: “I hump her in public, she gets really upset about it. I mean shit, that’s the perk of being in a relationship.”
It’s true that if you’re in a relationship you’re less likely to get a shot of pepper spray in your eyeballs when you violate a woman’s pre-established physical boundaries, but that still don’t make it polite, RamboLesbo.
Chanel: “Stop grabbing my butt in public.”
Sajdah: “I wanna fuck you.”
Sajdah’s basically one unwanted humping away from being a part of somebody’s yelp review on how this laundromat is filled with crazy people.
Marissa?
Cut to church, where KayKay’s humbling herself before G-d, praying about sperm.
“I couldn’t imagine not having kids,” says Kacy. Me neither, ’cause it’s all they ever talk about. I feel like without a baby they’d dissolve into thin air.
Kacy: “There’s something about getting on your knees, and really focusing in on what you want.”
Again this week Laneia decided to watch the show with her girlfriend and provide me with periodic updates re: their feelings:
Oh good, Vivian’s coming to LA. Cocomo Claire needs a buddy with arms and legs and a really gigantic heart right about now.
Vivian hops into Clairealicious’s Lovemobile where a rose awaits her in the passenger seat ’cause Claire’s such a gentle tiger and Vivian is really just obnoxiously hot and has a Julia Stiles voice.
Oh and also:
Claire:Â “It’s good to see a face that doesn’t wanna rip my head off every second of every day.”
Vivian, who seems at once totally over it and totally into it, chats with Claire about the possibility of running into Francine during this trip, maybe at a Pan-Asian restaurant or something.
More fun topics await:
Claire: “You know I like it when we’re joined at the hip but I feel like sometimes we start bickering when we’re joined at the hip.”
Vivian: “I like how you’re already thinking about us not getting along which actually doesn’t usually happen. You’re confusing me with your other Asian.”
Cut to an unnamed restaurant, probably The Olive Garden, where Khristianne and Francine are having dinner with Kelsey and Romi to talk shit about Claire.
So, Francine digs in, you know me and Claire aren’t speaking anymore, right? which serves to intro a Shittalking Shitstorm which is, ultimately, glorious. Claire’s growing on me as like the most entertaining aspect of this show ’cause she’s so fucking unpredictably bratzy.
Francine ignites the storm with an email from Claire which Francine remembers going like this:
“Everyone’s such a loser on the show. No one even has a real job. Everyone works in retail or in makeup that’s not a real job.”
Not Kelsey! Kelsey doesn’t have any job at all, she’s just keeping it real and babysitting the fairies who live in Romi’s hairdo, buying the alcohol, writing poetry and making dinner from Rachel Ray’s 20-Minute Dinners for Unhappy Couples.Â
But AHEM Romi’s going through a Productive Life Transformation and Accomplishing Big Things and don’t you dare, CLAIRE, insult Romi at this juncture.
Francine: “Then she’s like, Whitney all she does is party for a living.”
Romi: “Bitch you moved here with no job, go back. Who does she think she is? What does she think I’m doing?”
If you thought this scene was about Claire or Francine or Khristianne you’re wrong, it’s about Romi!
Francine: “You know what she said about Sara? That she has a dog face.”
Meaningful, coming from someone who occasionally verges on Golden Retrievery hair.
Kelsey: “Oh hell no.”
Romi [interview]: “I was like alright, she’s a deb, she’s done.”
Romi does what every sensible lesbian does when they receive second-hand gossip about someone talking shit about their friends to a different friend: she immediately texts everyone she knows. That’s my girl.
Cue Lesbian Text-Message Tree!
Cut to Whitney’s Pussy Palace, where she’s getting Romi’s text in real time and who’s there to process the shit-talking with her? None other than Razor-Tongued Rose Garcia, who you all remember from Season One. It’s almost like Whitney phoned-a-friend and picked the Shit-Talking Expert to come in for a consult.
Whitney, reading Romi’s text:
“I was about to help her with her with the shoot but I guess I can tell her I’m too busy playing with lipstick. Who does this bitch think she is?”
Malibu Barbie, I think.
Whitney: “Here’s the thing: you can’t hold your own in any city. You’re whack. You have no personality and no fucking soul, so good luck in any city.”
Rose: “Nobody likes this girl, dude.”
Claire’s gonna have to move to the country, maybe Nebraska or something.
Whitney says Claire could’ve had a “friend circle” (like the classic Minnie Driver vehicle Circle of Friends) but instead she’s just got a giant bucket o’enemies (like the classic 156-piece chicken meal from Kentucky Fried Chicken).
Vivian’s making dinner and Claire’s making emotional progress (kinda) — reminiscing about the old days, when Claire had a job and she’d come home to Vivian naked making dinner. As you’ll see when Vivian reveals her naked ass in mere minutes, Claire’s decision to leave that life for LA was completely deranged.
Claire’s amped about her Website Page Magazine Photo Lifestyle Shoot for which Vivian’s gonna be the stylist ’cause she’s got mad style.
I keep imagining the photo shoot will look like this:
Or maybe like this:
I feel sad and sorry for Claire here, somehow — the experience of nobody showing up to your event, whether it be Twat: The Night or the Photoshoot Party, is uniquely devastating, and Claire’s got feelings underneath that tough denim-clad exterior, ’cause all humans have feelings.
Vivian and Claire deftly manhandle chopsticks, put food in their mouths and talk about themselves. Vivian reminds Claire that even when Claire’s a Giant Asshole, Vivian doesn’t “put up a big stink.”
Vivian & Claire eschew the seemingly obligatory West Hollywood Post-Dinner Activity, which is “going to The Abbey and yelling at somebody,” in favor of gymnastics. WHO WANTS TO FLY THE AIRPLANE?!!!
Note that Claire’s pulling off white pants and that it’s only the first night of Hannukah. Vivian hops off into the rosebushes while Claire changes out of her Dinner Shirt into her Sexy Shirt…
… and out comes Vivian in her Slutty Little Bo Peep ensemble from Halloween ’04.
Over to Doggie Disneyland where Romi & Kelsey have come to have a fight on a blanket where the lighting is better than in the apartment. Kelsey wants to drink, Romi wants to think, there’s a turtle in the sink and I liked the roller rink.
Romi’s wearing Kid-n-Play’s old gym bag as a smock and her hair has scaled new dimensions of Incredible, much like the bird Woodstock from that beloved comic series starring Charlie Brown (founder of the emo movement) and Peppermint Patty (Romi’s first lesbian experience).
Kelsey:Â “You know what I miss? Bloody Marys in the sun.”
Romi:Â “Why don’t we just make Bloody Marys with no vodka?”
‘Cause that’s just V-8 with an olive?
Kelsey: “I’m not the one with a problem, Romi is, and I definitely don’t need to drink all the time but on occassion if I wanna have a drink with my sister or whoever, I would like to do that and not feel pressure that I can’t.”
I love the “with my sister or whatever” detail. “It’s a family thing, this drinking, okay? It’s because of my family and it’s because of God. God loves Boones Farm.” Romi and her hair are unimpressed:
Romi warns Kelsey that drinking is playing with fire, but I think Romi also knows that Kelsey has to figure that out for herself, and maybe Kelsey knows that too, now. Romi’s basically grown up five years in five weeks and Kelsey’s kinda sitting in the corner with her toys, wondering when her playmate got so busy and important and grown-up.
Cori & Kacy are doing arts and crafts and talking about sperm. They’re making posters for their friends’ Roller Derby match, and judging by the materials they’re using I’m hoping the team mascot is a second-grade girl. (Also does this mean a Roller Derby scene is in our future!?!!)
In some interview somewhere Cori says the word “my acupuncturist” and somewhere else in some other dimension Cori says “Virginia” and somewhere else altogether she says “swears I’m pregnant,” and by the magic of editing, those two lines are placed back to back and this is what it says:
Cori: “My acupuncturist Virginia swears I’m pregnant because my boobs are swollen and sore and it’s too soon for PMS.”
How will we know for sure that they’re bigger though? Maybe Kacy should check it out.
Second base is the new black this week — we’ve got Sajdah grabbing at Chanel’s tits in the laundropedia, Claire sneaking under Vivian’s shirt and chanting “little boobies” while Vivian chops vegetables, and Kacy inspecting Cori’s cup size during an Arts and Crafts Session.
Cori: “At work all I do is just think — Did I feel something?”
Kacy:Â “My nostril flared do you think I’m pregnant? Is that a pregnant thing? Can you google that? It’s been a little bit like that in our home. My eyebrow twitched. Does that mean I’m pregnant? Do pregnant women’s eyebrows twitch?”
Cori: “She’s kinda right.”
Maybe Cori’s just retaining a lot of water.
Back at Sajdah’s Sexyspot, Chanel wants to talk about feelings. You can’t talk about finance reform all day after all.
Chanel wants to be heard and wants her boundaries respected. Sajdah wants to make out before football practice.
Sajdah: “You’re talking about me like I’m a dog, like I need to get my nuts cut off.”
Chanel: “You’re acting like one.”
Eventually Chanel wrangles one little promise out of Sajdah:
Chanel interviews that conversations need to involve two people who share their feelings, listen to one another and ideally come to some kind of conclusion regarding how to improve things in the future.
Sajdah says, “Maybe if you let me bang you out at home I wouldn’t be trying to bang you out in public all the time.”
Back at Whitney World, Rachel’s dishing on her Vidal Sassoon interview. Rachel wants that job so bad she’d give a blow job for it! Really, she said that.  Rachel’s character can be summed up like so: crying, blow jobs, whitney.
Rachel does seem, however, intensely vulnerable and recalls that scene in Magnolia where the child star says something like, “I’ve got so much love to give, I just don’t know where to put it.” Â I hope she gets this job and buys a new boom for Showtime ’cause this whole scene sounds like they’ve got a mic hanging from the ceiling fan.
Rachel:Â “I gave up my life to pursue a dream in Los Angeles you know I had an amazing life in New York with people I really love and care about so if I don’t get [the job], I’ll probably be crushed. But everything happens for a reason I guess.”
It’s been a nightmare, in fact: her ex-girlfriend keeps sleeping with other clones which leaves Ray-Ray bedless on her vaycay to San Francisco and lonely in her own house, she’s sliced her hand open, overdosed on klonopin, gotten fingerfucked in the bathroom, masturbated on camera and cried at least 16 times.
Someone throw this girl a bone.
Rachel: “I won’t know until Friday which is like getting tested for Herpes or something, like WHY WON’T YOU TELL ME NOW!?”
Whitney & Romi are in the Whitney Wagon, going out for a romantic platonic dinner to talk shit about Claire talking shit about them.
Whitney: “You better believe that next time I see her I’m gonna share my feelings with her.”
Romi: “I think that would be really good.”
Ilene Chaiken: “I agree.”
(I agree too).
Dinner topics include Romi’s new life as an enlightened sobriety goddess who’s basically six feet or less away from being the next Tiffany’s and how that life doesn’t jive with Kelsey’s. “I’m not on a cleanse, this is a lifestyle change,” says Ro-Ro. As you can see by referencing the hair chart I first introduced in the introduction to this post, Romi’s lifestyle is becoming increasingly vertical:
Whitney’s proud of Romi for her sobriety and thank G-d because maybe Romi wouldn’t talk about her Sobriety Achievements so often if someone else would talk about them for her. Romi is doing a very hard thing and she’s doing it well and deserves a lot more recognition/congratulations than she’s getting right now.
Then we get back to talking shit about Claire:
Whitney: “Why did Claire talk shit about us… she’s blacklisting herself.”
Back at Chez Cool Claire, Claire & Vivian are prepping for a night out on the town with all of Claire’s enemies. “It’s a year and a half in the making,” Claire says, probably referring to her hair flip.
Vivian & Francine have met before but this’ll be the first time they’ll all be under the same roof, although technically if they go outside, which they will, ’cause they always do, they won’t be under any roof. Claire’s irrationally concerned, it’d seem, that her two Asians are gonna leave her for each other, like Tina and Dancer-Boy did to Artie on Glee.
Claire: “I’m gonna be sitting there like a tool with my thumb on the air like now my girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend are dancing together on the dance floor.”
Claire predicts everything will blow up in her face like the World Trade. I hope so! Dramatic action rising to a climax? That’s almost like a real teevee show!
At the Megahot Lesbian Dance Club, Whitney explains that she can’t lie (“I’m not gonna lie” -Whitney), she must follow the Goddess of Lesbian Dramz and accuse Claire of taking shit about her.
Somehow this whole shit-talking gossip party storyline is incredibly entertaining to me. It’s hilarious! Obviously Claire denies saying any of that shit but her hips don’t lie.
Whitney: “Claire responds shocked but I see a little deer in the headlights coming through her eyes, I’m not gonna lie. Do I think that you really MEANT the things that you said? No. Do I think you were like “UGGGH I wish I hadn’t said some things?” Yeah.”
Claire’s weak defense, albeit conjured in-the-moment, is that Francine threw her shit on the lawn. How could Claire talk shit about Whitney in a world where Claire’s gotta traipse about practically topless amongst the ruins of her life via boxes because Francine threw her shit on the fucking front lawn? Right?
Did someone say “thrown under the bus”? Aw, Real L Word, you almost didn’t do it — and then you had to go ahead and do it.
Whitney conferences with Francine who’s got proof on her phone that Claire did indeed say all the things she said, therefore confirming that Claire is indeed the Bigger Bananahead.
It’s worth noting that Francine is like this tiny thing and she’s always wrapped in extra layers like she got cold and some giant butch lent her a puffy coat. Add a Captain Kangaroo hat and lines like “You’re Evil!” to this equation and it’s priceless, she’s priceless, she’s perfect. It’s hilarious!
But it’s not nearly as hilarious as Claire’s facial expressions:
The girls devolve into one of their traditionally complicated intellectual battles of spirit and soul:
Francine: “This is what you said about everyone you told me that everyone’s a loser on the show and nobody has a real job except for me. Yes you did. And then you told me that Sara has a dog face. You didn’t say that?”
Claire: “I fucking didn’t say that.”
Francine: “Oh really?”
Claire: “Yeah.”
Francine: “You are a lying person – WOW WOW THIS GIRL’S LYING — you’re lying!!!”
Claire: “Francine you’re fucking literally making an ass out of yourself–”
Francine: “Put it out there, you wanna talk shit? ‘Cause I never judge anyone.”
Claire: “Francine? What did I say about them?”
Francine: “You told me that Whitney doesn’t have a real job and all she does is party.”
Claire’s eyes are popping out of her strained headskull. She’s also violently clapping her hands, maybe to remind Francine of thunder or car accidents or other terrible things that could happen to her today.
Claire: “I never said that! I never said that!”
Francine: “Oh really? Wow you’re evil, you’re evil. How can I pull this out of my ass?”
Vivian?
Vivian: “Honestly Claire was making herself look like an idiot.”
Claire keeps hightailing around the club like Yosemite Sam while Vivian goes to comfort Francine. That’s when you know you’re in trouble — when your girlfriend is on your ex-girlfriend’s side.
Claire’s my favorite now, she’s like the Puck of The Real L Word.
Anyhow back to Romi’s Big Career. Romi’s jewelry line is called “Hija” which is Spanish for “daughter” which’ll not only look good with hoodies but also pay tribute to her father’s side of the family and make them bajillion gazillioniares!
Romi’s hooking up with Love & Pride, the Fantastic Jewelry Company Who Brought You The L Word Line, and the product placement possibilities are endless!
Romi: “Working really hard on something you love doing and really believe in, that’s the best.”
That’s totally true. Four for you, Romi Klinger.
Back at Lair de Claire, Claire remains ablaze with fury and essentially is now saying that yes, yes indeed she did say those things to Francine about the cast, but Francine took them out of context. That’s not fair, says Claire. I said those things during an improv game. She asked me “Why doesn’t Whitney ever go out?” and I was like “all she does is go out.” Isn’t that entrapment?Â
Vivian, looking about eight kinds of “over it,” handles Claire like she’s the Swifter Picker Upper of Claire’s psychological refuse.
Vivian: “Claire is a super-brat. She’s a large child. She really does need to be able to apologize and be mature.”
Claire doesn’t have the time to sit here and talk shit, she says while sitting there and talking shit.
Back in Whitney’s Winterdome, Rachel didn’t get the job and, as promised, is crushed. Furthermore she got turned down over e-mail so Mr. Sassoon didn’t get to hear her tears!
Rachel interviews that she’s sad and lonely and about forty other kinds of neglected/unhappy and you kinda want to give her a hug.
Rachel: “I wish Whitney would get out of Whitneyworld and realize that I’m like, you know — I’m drowning here.”
Alyssa’s Sage Wisdom of the Night:
Alyssa: [to Whitney] “I think that you make beds and then you make me lie in them.”
Whitney: “I didn’t make any beds here! Whoaaaa!”
In fact, Whitney hasn’t TOUCHED that bed since the creamed corn congealed on the matress.
Rachel and Claire should start an Expats Support Group for People Who Should’ve Stayed in New York.
We return to the Barren Boudoir where tampons sit ominously on the kitchen table, announcing the arrival of blood, cramps, and no-baby. Though sometimes the first day of your period can feel like giving birth to blood-clotted vampire mini-babies.
This is all really sweet and again, Cori and Kacy seem like truly awesome people, but Jesus Christ this is boring. “Woman wants to be pregnant and can’t get pregnant” is such a common yet snoozy teevee storyline and Charlotte York maxed out my reserves on this topic.
At least Cori can have a cigarette now and luckily Kacy brought two along with those tampons. Best Butch on the Block goes to Kacy, second week in a row!
The sad sad song lingers on…
Francine, or maybe a magical elf, had a brilliant idea for Francine to invite “the girls” over to watch a PowerPoint presentation about her backyard and then do some landscaping. Seriously.
Francine: “The back yard is the big mess, so I said why don’t we have a party and make a fun event out of trying to landscape the yard?”
After that, we’re gonna make a fun event out of mattress shopping, calling Time Warner and going to the dentist!
Francine: “We’re just gonna have a chill night and talk about what everybody would like to contribute to the back yard.”
Sajdah: “So Francine comes up with this crazy excuse to make us all do her yard work for her and she disguises it as a party, “the landscaping party.”
Sajdah is ready to party though, make no mistake. Meanwhile Chanel’s left in the dust, feeling shy and weird, like so many of us do in large social gatherings captured on camera for premium cable.
Chanel’s off to the side, staring at the welcome screen on her blackberry pretending like she’s conversing with important friends.
Romi tries to school Sajdah on how to be a good girlfriend:
Romi: “Well make her feel comfortable. Let her be her, let her do it her own way in her own time… be good to her, she’s a sweetheart and, let’s be real, the best-looking person on this show.”
Just kidding I added everything after “she’s a sweetheart.” Romi didn’t say that part, only the first part.
Chanel, like many socially awkward humans before her, switches to Plan B which is “relocate to a locked room” because it’s better to feel like a loser in an empty room than it is to feel alone in a crowded room. (Trust me, I know, and feel for Chanel here.) Sajdah peeks in to make matters worse.
Chanel wants to leave (Plan C), foiling Sajdah’s future as a crab-apple tree curator. Sajdah says bye to everyone while acknowledging Dramz, which breaks like three rules of Lesbian Fight Club.
Sajdah and Chanel take this spitfire of emotional turmoil to a vehicle:
Sajdah:Â “I have never in all of my life been in a relationship. I have never sacrificed a me for someone else. It’s not easy for me to express myself like that, it’s not easy for me to be vulnerable.”
Sajdah learned everything she knows about dating from Gaston.
Chanel:Â “You’re laughing and being the joke of the party talking about hoes* and this and that and just wanna be Mister Funny Person. I don’t feel that it’s fair that you’re not allowing me my time to grow and know these people on my own terms. I’ve been feeling out of touch with MY reality.”
Sajdah:“Are you fucking kidding me?”
Chanel:“No I’m not.”
Sajdah:“No, that’s why because you’re not listening. You know what? You’re not listening. You’re not listening. I’m ready to run again.”
Sajdah’s confusing “you’re not listening” with “you don’t agree with me.”
* the kind you garden with
Chanel:Â “Run?”
Sajdah:Â “I’m ready to run again.”
Chanel:Â “Run?”
Sajdah:Â “I don’t have time for this shit. You said the stupidest shit and I’ll take you right back to where you’re trying to go.”
Sajdah’s not gonna change for anybody. Sajdah just wants to be Sajdah and so if Chanel wants to be Chanel then she’s gonna have to do it without Sajdah because Sajdah just absolutely under no circumstances can be Sajdah unless Chanel is Sajdah.
Ultimately, Sajdah would sooner break up then process emotions or navigate the sticky sapphic slopes of this fast-tracked relationship. Let’s break all the rules of Lesbian Fight Club while we’re at it:
Sajdah: “You know what? If we’re so fucking different than why are we even having this conversation?”
Chanel: “You’re so dominating in a situation that it overpowers the other people.”
Sajdah: “If you have a problem with that, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with me.”
Chanel: “What am I doing wrong?”
Sajdah: “I’m not critiquing you.”
Chanel:Â “You are!”
Sajdah:Â “What the hell?! You’re critiquing me!”
Chanel: “It’s not about you! It’s only about me!”
Sajdah:Â “Well maybe that’s the problem cause I ain’t having this conversation!”
Chanel:Â “That’s what a relationship is about!”
Sajdah: “Then let’s not do it.”
Chanel: “I had real feelings and you think that other people are gonna be like that. Not everybody’s like that.”
Sajdah:Â “We’re young. This is new. We promised to have fun every day. I’m done with this Chanel, like fuck it, man. I’m not gonna change –”
Chanel:Â “Part of being in a relationship–”
Sajdah: “Fuck it — I GIVE UP. I GIVE UP. I QUIT.”
Despite how totally totally wrong Sajdah is in this conversation, if you really think about it this whole sitch isn’t as “out there” as it seems. Think about the douchetastic or otherwise radically ridiculous things you’ve said in relationship fights under the assumption that relationship fights are a sacred space. Your partner is sworn to secrecy because of Mutual Assured Destruction and because Lawd Knows nobody besides you two will understand what inspired such outrageousness. I suppose reality TV rests on the laurels of How Ridiculous Relationship Fights Can Be. Simply throwing those into a public forum is drama enough.
It’s painful, really, this scene — and if you’ve ever been shouted over like this with it hurts doubly and it hurt earlier when Claire shouted over Francine too. Nothing like the ol’ “Repeat the Same Ridiculous thing 45 times over and over in a loud voice so I can’t get a sensible word in edgewise” trick.
Chanel:Â “You’re gonna try so hard to prove that you’re right and you know and you’re so wrong.”
Sajdah:Â “If I’m so wrong why are you still here?”
Chanel: “Well, I guess I’m just fucking stupid.”
Sajdah:Â “Stop fighting please, please stop fighting because I’m done. Goodnight.”
Chanel leaves.
Um? Update on Francine’s yard, anybody?
And now, your moment of zen:
Comments
So before this popped up in my Google Reader I was scanning my eyeballs over something titled “Is There Still a Chance for Meaningful Compromise on Debt Reduction?”
Shortly after switching over here I came to the conclusion that “That’s what she said” should be in wider usage on the Internets, today and every day.
Let me try to follow this. Whitney feels her being the center of attention is being threatened by Claire. Seems Claire has a knack of attracting extremely beautiful women. Whitney talks about Claire behind her back to that appalling individual who later decides to pick a fight with Claire, a person she has never met before. Claire tells Francine what occurred which seems to make Francine happy. Claire gets mad at Francine for being elated she was insulted by a loser. Claire later complains to Francine on a personal text that Whitney was behind it which is well obvious. Francine, obviously still in love with Claire, listens to the chef who wants her and throws Claire’s clothes out. Note to chef – when your new gf cannot stop talking about and crying over her ex it is a sign that – well you mean little to her except as a rebound so she doesn’t feel so bad about herself. Francine, still mad, decides to sabotage Claire when it comes to work. Whitney, who may be the most repugnant self-absorbed reality show star since Puck, decides to play the I can talk behind your back but you can’t behind mine game. This includes a high school type confrontation when Whitney, again as detestable a person as you will see on a reality show, shows how pathetic she is. Maybe Whitney should tell Francine “You shouldn’t share a text your ex sent to you and only you.” and offer Francine solace. But hey this is Whitney’s world.
As for Channel, I hope your next gf acts more mature than a 12 year old. Really felt bad for her having to put up with that stuff.
does everyone on the show wear The L Word perfume? claire has it on her windowsill.
Sneaky promotion.
so i guess firstly, i thought this recap was hilarious so thank you for that.
secondly, i don’t use kotex because they’re more expensive where i shop but i do love this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRf35wCmzWw if anyone hasn’t yet seen it.
Why do I watch this? The more I watch the more I don’t want to know these people. I went to middle school already. Once was enough for me. Why is IFC trying to sensationalize drama? The more she does it the more absurd and idiotic everybody looks. So, am I an idiot for watching this?
i love how everyone’s first response to “Sara has a dog face” was a laugh. Even Claire couldn’t keep a straight face when she realized how funny it was that she said it. I think Franny really kept repeating it because it was hilar.
To me, Claire = Kanye West @ The VMAs….she only said what everybody was thinking and in turn, is the bad guy for doing so. Whatever… Ima Deb for Claire. #TeamClaireDontCare
The real question of this recap is: Riese – did you really break your wrist “air-planning”?
can someone please acknowledge that someone (I think francine) pronounced Sara with an r in it and nobody did anything?!????
i feel like that mispronunciation was the realest thing about the episode
i could so relate
i disagree. taylor deserved that award.
First off, Maniac Magee was an awesome book for me. I still have my copy somewhere *drifts off* good book…
Sajdah. Yeah, she had to be confusing “you’re not listening” with “you’re not agreeing with me.” First girlfriends, it’s nuts. Kinda feel bad for Chanel, Saj was being a brat, but then again, I was bratty at times with my first gf. Guess it’s just growing. Marissa – “this is crazy!!!”
Yes. Maniac Magee. Spinelli was my fave shmave circa 7th grade.
all anyone needs to know about this episode is that vivian’s really hot.
When I read the witty, sarcastic re cap of the show, I pretend that that’s actually what goes down. Then it makes the characters seem witty, intelligent and modest which, in turn, makes me feel intelligent for watching the show and THEN I CAN’T FEEL GUILTY!
Also, Vivian is HOT.
yep. HOT HOT HOTT!
My #1 feeling after this episode was that Claire needs to learn the meaning of the word “literally.”
LOL
I was going to post this exact comment! I want to see her literally do the things she says are “literally” happening.
well, from a logistical/producer’s P.O.V. … the best way to ensure Claire returns to Season 3 is to make her indispensable to the main drama… so, make her Whitney’s Worst Enemy (& major plot point) & she’ll come back a bigger & badder character next year.
a la kristin cavallari, right?
/a Hills fan
i like how there was no mention anywhere in this episode of the “dong mold” fiasco.
Riese, I just want you to know that last night as I watched this episode I drafted and then abandoned an email to you with a screencap of Claire and Francine’s text message fight, in which Claire actually called them all “hatters” and I mean, yeah.
also, did anybody else find it weird that claire told vivian that she looked like “a little girl” and “loved it.”
……awkward.
Yeeeeeeeeah I squirmed.
yes! I meant to comment on that, too.
i thought the same thing…. it seems a though she likes to pray on young asian girls.
yeah, that was really creepy…
Ok, blood-clotted vampire mini-babies amused and horrified me at the same time. It’s true but awful.
i lol’d so hard at the Regina George getting hit by a bus screencap.
that actually made my night.
Makes me wonder about Rose vs Claire in a face-off. I’d bet on Rose ’cause she has cat claws coming out of her mouth.
Wow Sajdah was really really mean/inconsiderate and didn’t make much sense there.
I hope Chanel finds a good girlfriend next!
Im sad for the day when Real L Word season two comes to a close…. I’m really gonna miss these recaps!
Saj…Saj…what the hell?!? There is no such thing as fun everyday in a relationship. There is always gonna be the one day that is…not that damn fun. Just like anything in life. Maybe at the ripe old age of 28, I’ve become a realist but…fun…every…day?
“Fun, fun, think about fun.” -Rebecca Black
You’d think they were the same age.
Also, randoms but, very cute profile pic. :}
Thanks.
It totally felt like I shouldn’t have been watching Cori and Kacy’s storyline. It felt waaaay too personal to be watched I don’t know.
And Vivian is hot. Like how does Claire get all of these hot Asians hot. What that doesn’t make sense? I watch The Real L Word for entertainment it’s not supposed to make sense.
Yeah, I felt bad for Chanel in this episode. The laundry mat scene was awkward and the fight just sucked to watch. I think Sadjah is relatively harmless, I would jock up alot of her behavior to just immaturity.
Respecting Women 101: If a woman sets a boundary, you should respect the boundary. Chanel saying “No” and then Sadjah grabbing her anyway is really bad in general.
Whenever Vivian or Chanel are on the screen, the main thing running through my head is “She’s so pretty! Eff, she’s so pretty!”.
Cori is way too cute. Even when she talks about sperm.
This show has now reached a point of stupid and offensive that has my brain dry heaving. I didn’t think I could vomit with any organ other than my stomach but hey! the human anatomy is a biological marvel.
2 Mean Girls references! Four for you Riese Coco!
Otherwise you all look fake and crazy, BYE!
Ah yes, you have to remember the “bye”. The “bye” is the best part.
“I look good, you all look fake and crazy” is good.
But….
“I look good, you all look fake and crazy. Bye.” The “bye” just puts it over the top into awsomeness.
Every week when I see these recaps I realize that Claire reminds me of someone but I can’t remember who, and then five minutes later I forget about until the next recap.
I’m continuously amazed at Romi’s hair.
read that as “cautiously amazed at Romi’s hair” and thought “yes, that is the feeling.”
she’s tori from the later seasons of “saved by the bell”
and i need someone to tell me the number to text to vote her off this show
Actress who played Tori is a real life lesbian so that is particularly apt.
she looks like sophie b hawkins
Sophie B Hawkins is a real life bisexual so that is particularly apt.
I haven’t seen one second of this barfy show (but have read every word of the recaps) and every time I see a screen cap of Claire she reminds me of Sarah Warn from Afterellen.
astute observation
Claire’s facial expressions always remind me of this:
http://media.sundancechannel.com/UPLOADS/blog/wordpress/images/2010/09/172824__charlize_theron_l.jpg
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Yt3M33fzOLA/S9VKFKnE_rI/AAAAAAAAO2A/JaekLZ8Zlgo/s200/monster_charlizetheron.jpg
I don’t watch this show, but I thought the Maniac Magee cover was funny. I so remember that book from when I was a kid! I always thought the boy on the cover looked like the young Pete from Pete & Pete.
I wish I had Vivian’s body. Jealous.
Monsterpiece Theater reference totally wins. Also, laundromat/Yelp review joke practically made me drool popsicle down my shirt.
thank you
Re: Claire moving to Nebraska. As a native Nebraskan, I think I’d rather she didn’t. Althooouugh I have to admit I haven’t actually seen this show, so who knows? Maybe we’d be friends*.
*Probably not.
Riese, I feel guilty watching this show because a.) it’s trash, b.) I once swore never to watch the oeuvre of IFC again and c.) I read your article on how shitty they were to you. But I’m sucked in.
But…BUT. I love your recaps and without the show I never would have found your fabulous site. So, I wanted to send you a silver lining. Your hours of screen capping baby drama and near date rapes in the laundromat are not in vain.
Also, Vivian is too good to be real. I think she’s a bodhisattva.
Word. Vivian is too good to be real!
Four for you for using the term bodhisattva. Super word.
Yeah it IS a good word-but I’ve had that Steely Dan song in my head ever since now.
Sadjah really just made a complete ass out of herself. If my girlfriend were talking to me like that, I’d be gone. FUCK! I can’t believe Chanel put up with her shit for so long. I’m glad you compared S to Rose because that is exactly what I thought of as I watched this! Rose being verbally abusive to Natalie last season after behaving badly, and basically not having/not trying to have any communication/comprehension skills.
This whole Claire fiasco… yes she’s a complete brat and occasional asshole, but she basically said what we’re all thinking, right? It’s pretty clear she’s annoying and says dumb things but she’s really not as mean as she’s being made out to be. (Also. WTF. How is she getting these hot girls (cough) VIVIAN (cough)????)
I don’t know about Francine. She was the only person I liked from the beginning but sharing private conversations she had with Claire with others was not very cool of her. She could have put it another way and not been so gossipy, but whatevs.
… and Whitney. This girl. LOL. The way she’s stringing Rachel along is just cruel. (Though of course Rachel is getting more and more embarrassing to watch. Like I can’t even.) I don’t for one second believe that Whitney & Rose did not talk shit about Claire before their drunken friend randomly insulted Claire the other night. I mean that was basically where it all began. Had this incident not happened, Claire wouldn’t have said/texted/emailed things to Francine about the other girls (which was dumb of her, but mostly true.)
Kelsey looks like she’s on something all the time, sober or not. Out of it. But of course, she and Chanel are the only attractive people on the show.
OH AND VIVAN!!! HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT. MORE OF HER PLS
maybe. maybe Kelsey’s stoned? often hah idk
and I agree on Sadjah, the way she talked to Chanel was so not cool
I really was agog that Chanel hung around and tried to calmly reason with her after that. Chanel gets a lot of crap online about just hanging around Sajdah for the cameras but I think she really cared about her.
I was tempted skewer my inner eardrums out just listening to Sajdah fight with Chanel. Made me remember the irrationality of the first time baby dykes can some times exhibit.
Claire’s hair reminds me of a 1990’s soap opera character
It reminds me of a late 80s Hair Metal band member. Maybe like a bass player or drummer.
Also MORE HOT VIVIAN
Omg Maniac McGee! I remember reading that in grade school. I lol’d so hard when I saw that. Another awesome recap, Riese!
I was totally tuning out reading this recap. And then you pulled out a Woodstock reference.
Who references Woodstock? Fucking brilliant.
The only good things about this episode were Vivian and Francine. Fact.
They should hook up.
I have that book in a box somewhere. This week’s recap was perfect.
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.
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(graphics credit: intern grace y’all)
deal sealed
I would like to take a moment to acknowledge how perfect everything about this exchange is.
I’m happy Romi’s hair was finally addressed. It’s been freaking me out. I might have already had a few nightmares about it and it’s just getting worse and worse.
It wasn’t until the Romi’s Hair Evolution picture that I realized that the little thingie in the back is her actual hair! This entire time I’ve been thinking she clips it in. Freaks me out too.
Debo-ver-este-episodio
RIGHT NOW
When I saw the cap of Claire making all those faces, I had one thought: rampaging dino!
So. I used to watch this show all the time. Then, i realized that the recaps made me less nauseated. Then this recap made me watch the episode.
Also, moment of zen: When I was in high school, a kid in a neighboring town was scuffling with a friend after school, and his friend LITERALLY threw him into the street, and then a bus ran over him. HE WAS LITERALLY THROWN UNDER A BUS, CLAIRE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
And then, my chem teacher was like “in your lab report, when you discuss errors, DO NOT THROW YOUR LAB GROUP UNDER THE BUS” like three days after it happened.
TOO SOON.
I think we don’t have the same understanding of the word “zen”. Or maybe I didn’t get it…
She didn’t mean zen, like, literally
dahhh… i knew that.
Holy shit
This episode made me cringe, because between Claire and Francine, and Sajdah and Chanel, I don’t know who made me more uncomfortable and annoyed. I totally agree that Claire is a frikking mega-brat, to the point where I’d shake her if I had to be around her. But Francine sharing private texts? I don’t know them and thus don’t know if maybe Francine and Whitney know each other (or did each other, since, it’s Whitney) from way back when, but if they don’t? Then who the hell are you to run around and be all “ooo Claire was talking smack about you!” I half-expected her to tell Whitney that Claire said to meet her at the jungle gym so they can settle this once and for all. Not cool, and very childish.
As for Chanel and Saj, well, we have a saying in the Caribbean for what Saj was trying to be here and that’s “wrong and strong.” Which, clearly, you can’t be. I think I was more embarrassed for Sajdah and sympathetic for Chanel because sometimes I’m also quiet in a new social environment. Someone needs to tell Sajdah that this isn’t a Katy Perry song and not everyone’s a firework. She should have just let Chanel get there on her own instead of being her usual hyperactive-like-a-Yorkie self. Sometimes you gotta dial it back a notch.
And I’m with everyone else…more of Vivian, because damn.
Wrong and Strong. That’s a really good phrase for me to know because it’s every woman I’ve ever dated.
!
Actually, I think it’s spelled DAY-UM!
Another episode that made me sad. Oh my god. I just wish that IC would quit and give up this misery and let some other female come along with another lesbian show. This is ridiculous. All of the cast members were miscast in my opinion. They all look very sad to me. That’s it.
i think other recappers are using your screen grabs. the one with the romi hair evolution in particular.
really? which other recappers?
that scene in the laundromat with Sajdah should have come with a trigger warning. seriously, how are more people not a little more incensed about that. if I saw that shit i’d want to intervene somehow.
but also, are chanel and saj. the only ones that get the hip-hop music? i thought i was just imagining that shit.
i’d like more kelsey, less romi.
Maybe if Autostraddle pimped out that L-perfume Ilene would stop trying to kill you guys. Riese, maybe you should bathe in that shit.
Did Rose get her own music? I think the angry minorities get their own music… I am embarrassed to even watch Sajdah. The way she treats and talkes to Chanel, ridiculous. The laundromat seen made me want to vomit, I mean there is a big difference between pervin’ with your girlfriend and being flat out disrespectful.
Marissa? this is crazy
You know how when you go to hawaii they give you a lei as you step off the plane (or at least they do in the Brady Bunch movie)? I’m convinced that they do this at lax, only with hats. There is no other excuse for the sheer number of hats in this effing show.
LOL. If I could “like” this comment I would. I thought the same thing when I saw Vivian with that fugly hat, especially since we never saw her in the whole leather jacket/side boob shirt/hat style when she was in NYC.
So, I did not watch this episode. To be honest I watched the first episode cause our photoshoot was I guess in it, I dunno, and then the second episode, I fast-forwarded to the parts where Franny was it, and since then I’ve just been reading these recaps cause they are the best part of my week. Hilarious Riese. Obvs this show and these women are set up as easy targets, but you do a really nice job of being funny without being a jerk, which I’m thinking is really hard to do. Cause c’mon people…. this is so dumb.
WHAT’S WITH THE HATS??? This is not NY in January… its LA. Does it ever even drop below 50 there? WTF.
I don’t care how much yall complain about Cori and Kacy’s “boring” situation, they are the only ones who are going through serious for-real drama and I feel for them. I do wish we could know more about, you know, their lives.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, Riese, can I come over and watch the show WITH you? I feel like it would be much, much more entertaining. I will bring nachos and beer and candy.
Ugh, so many feelings.
1) Sajdah is fucking crazy-scary – totally on the warpath to being an abusive partner.
2) I wish that everything Claire said “literally” would actually happen. So, Claire being thrown under a bus upon meeting new people via Fran. Fran spontaneously moving into an adorable donkey in the middle of the night club. etc.
3) I think Kacey should win Best Butch on the Block of the Year.
Vivian <3
Glad to not have seen or heard any dong references in this episode.
Vivian is a goddess…..sultry, smart, and sweet.
Romi’s hair is getting out of control. It was hard to take her seriously while she was out to dinner with Whitney…..I couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying as I was fixated on her hair.
I have to say there is a large distinction between saying to someone that this other new person who has just rocked up from out of town and keeps acting in a negative way may be a bit of a “deb” (which a drunken overzealous friend will then repeat umteen times as they have been drinking and have slanted logic in that moment and over-state things) and someone saying more cutting things like you have no job and just like to party all the time (like you are effectively just a frivelous individual) but then wants to use you and your popularity for their own favour. Also the criticism from a lot of people saying Whitney is stringing Rachel along seems a little harsh… Yes they got messy and intimate at that pool party- for sure Whitney should maybe have put up a kind of self-barrier so she wouldn’t go there so as to spare the feelings Rachel clearly has for her… but we all do silly things when tangled up in issues of the heart and when it comes to people we have been intimate with already. I think Whitney seems to be trying to take a step back so as to not blur the lines in her relationship with Rachel (as in making it seem their once-off intimacy was not more than just a hook-up) so that Rachel doesn’t become more attatched, but she does still have her back by asking Allysa to look out for her. Its difficult because how accessible can you be to a person you know still cares about you without you maybe encouraging some hope their end that they may get to be with you. I have been in a similar situation so can understand that even though it looks like Whitney here was in “Whitneyland” and detatched maybe she is just trying to not get too close so as to try avoid Rachel getting more involved with her. Grrrrrrrr! Complications of affection and love! I’m just saying people maybe shouldn’t be so harsh and shouldn’t assume that Whitney’s main motivation is to “play em and leave em”… maybe I’m naive! Don’t know.
ooooooooh forgot to add I am also glad somebody commented that they thought Cory and Kacy’s storyline was interesting and moving and they had empathy for them. Totally agree. And yes as all the consensus this far has indeed pointed out, Vivian is indeed one beautiful woman.
the best part about all of this…Maniac MacGee reference. only my favorite book of all time. love it.
Every time I see this show, I just want to put the TV on mute and make up my own dialogue to go along with it, like I do for the Spanish soap operas.
I guarantee you it would be exponentially more interesting.
Every time Sadjah has come on screen I cringe, but this episode took the cake. I get it that you may not have experience dating girls but who acts that way with anyone? The laundromat humping was so so bad…and then when she didn’t stop when Chanel asked – ugh! She is so clueless about people it’s just sad and embarrassing to watch.
Now, Claire…when that girl called her a “deb” a few episodes ago, at first I thought she was making fun of her for being a rich, spoiled “debutante” type! But ragging on her for being a negative nightmare is on point too.
Does Claire not see how stupid she sounds saying that the other girls on the show don’t have jobs? What job does she have exactly? Her website?! That’s hilarious (oh that episode with the meeting about her site was cringe-worthy – I can’t write, I know nothing about web design, blah blah, what? I won’t be anyone’s secretary, no way!). It’s sad to me that Vivian let’s her get away with her hideous behavior, and calls it “bratty” like Claire is 5 years old. Claire is a narcissistic jerk that much is clear and her tirades about all the “haters” are just more evidence of that. I have wanted to punch in the tv screen with her. I mean, she’s attractive and all but the moment she opens her mouth it’s completely lost…WTF does Vivian see in her?
sajdah’s was completely violating chanel’s personal space and body, and her excuse for doing so was because they are in a relationship. whether you are in a relationship with someone or not, consent is always paramount. if a person tells you that they do not want to be touched, then BASIC RESPECT and COMMON DECENCY would tell you that not to touch them. being new to lesbianism is no excuse for her disrepectful and domineering behavior.
vivian is one of the most gorgeous people i’ve ever seen. she’s bewitching in every sense of the word. damn, how did CLAIRE of all people swing that? and manage to keep someone like vivian interested in her after she moved to l.a. to famehore on t.v. and potentially mess around with francine? it’s shocking. you can do better vivian.
i’m glad romi is getting her life back on track. i wish her luck. i do wish kelsey would get her shit together too. it is not even cute that she was recently fired from two jobs and she ALWAYS seems high as a kite. i’m not sure if she’s an alcholic or if romi is pressuring her to feel that way because it’s better for her sobriety not to be in a relationship with someone who drinks. either way kelsey should be coming to a conclusion about her drinking by herself and not be manipulated into not drinking over the potential loss of her relationship. maybe the solution to this problem is that romi should just break up with her and find someone on her level, career wise and sobriety wise.
As usual the recaps are so very funny and I can’t wait to read them. But as someone who has been in Cori and Kacy’s shoes, I cannot laugh at their predicament. Its seriously tough to be a lesbian and trying to have a baby. It a test for any relationship and there are so many mind trips that occur when one doesn’t get pregnant right away. And unfortunately it can take YEARS – UGH ! So glad its over and we have our kids. The process was tough and watching it on screen I felt so much empathy. . .
Great recap made me laugh, silently because I’m at work…! :P Thanks for taking your time and writing it, Riese!!
This show has potential but it just seems like a tool kit, in the hands of an really unskilled craftsman…who just can’t get it right!
They are behaving like early primary school girls for G-d’s sake!
Francine: ‘Hey girls, Francine said mean things about you all and doesn’t want to be your friend anymore!’
Khristine: mhmm…
Romi: No way, she’s a freak, i don’t like her anymore, I’m telling my mom she’s not coming to Whitney’s birthday party now
Francine: yeah, and, and she said that SARA looks like a dog, that’s so bitchy!
Romi: She said that!? im telling Whitney and everyone what she said, no one should hang out with her during break time ever again, and how can she say my daddy doesn’t work, daddy DOES work and at least I have a dad, how else does she think I get my pocket money to give to Kelsey
Kelsey: Ew, she’s so not cool.
*in another place*
Whitney: Romi just texted me that i shouldn’t invite Claire to my birthday party coz she said horrible things about me
Rose: The cunt
Whitney: who does she think she is. she’s going to regret messing with me at school, i’ll make her life hell there, she can’t be popular if she’s being bitchy to me
Rose: Word
It seems that this recap is a little bias to Francine. Just saying.
riese–you are a genius. You took the words right out of my mouth with this. :)
Claire should be my least favorite after these recaps but because of them I LOVE HER. This shit is hilarious. Also, what IS whitney’s job? Seriously.
Franny, too funny. TOO FUNNY.
It makes me laugh reading the arguments btw. Sajdah and Chanel; saw them at the SF Dyke March and Sajdah was all like, “Thank you thank you, love my fans, thanks for the support” and Chanel was like, “Go baby, bask in your non-fame!” and it was cute and hilarious and fucking ridiculous all at the same time. So apparently, they worked that shit out.
And Chanel’s weave has drastically improved. Four points for you Chanel.
Otherwise, I still can’t bring myself to watch this show. I’d like to get to know these people without having my brain tainted by their exaggerated for-tv characters/caricatures.
Just be glad that there’s only two more episodes of the show.
Riese outstanding job on the recap I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard after reading something. I also like AE but their recap doesn’t compare. As for the show, the only main reason why I watch it is to see Kacy and Corie’s storyline, they seem real sweet and I think people feel for them and what they’re going through in each episode. Like Whitney said they’re the unicorn couple that a lot people want to be like. Also, Romi is kinda growing on me. I thought she was kinda crazy and a little too attached to Whitney in the first season but it’s good to see her growing up on camera, I hope that she keeps it up.
Wow Vivian is supremely beautiful. She’s smart, she’s caring, and she seems to have a very good head on those shoulders. I’m here if you ever decide to leave Claire!
Vivian is the best
Sajdah is frighteningly infuriating.