Top Ten Terrible Things That Probably Won’t Happen to You Today

by Riese & Laneia

After the Great Multi-Day Autostraddle Outage of June 2010, we thought it was impossible to have yet another significant problem with our web hosting company. Then, yesterday, we did. But the world isn’t totally spiraling out of control you guys don’t worry.

We initially defined this list yesterday w/out wordpress, books or research, just like the old days, when there were no pencils.

Top Ten Terrible Things That Probably Won’t Happen To you Today

10. Dysentery

It looks like you probably won’t get dysentery today, unless you’re on the Oregon Trail, like Nicole:

9. Cholera

We’ve learned that this is still fairly common in some parts of the world, but you’re not in those parts; you’re on a computer or maybe your new HTC Evo or iPad.

8. Atomic bomb

An atomic bomb is a big deal, and having one dropped on your country would more or less define your existence, but it’s unlikely to happen today.

7. Being thrown from your horse and buggy

Unless you’re Amish, but if you were Amish, you wouldn’t be reading this.

6. Scurvy

I guess this could still happen to you, but it probably won’t. Carly suggests drinking orange juice to prevent scurvy.

5. Drowning on the Titanic

Definitely not going to happen. This should be on a new list titled, “Top Ten Terrible Things That Definitely Won’t Happen to You Today.” That list would be superior to this list, in the same way that the Chi brand hair straightener is superior to all other hair straighteners. But also more expensive.

4. Being punched by a waitress for no reason

Unless you’re Lindsay Lohan.

3. Amnesia

This may only happen in made-for-TV movies and in soap operas, but even if it does happen in real life, I don’t think it’s going to happen to you. And the likelihood of it happening today is even slimmer.

2. Dinosaur attack

This one goes on the other list with the Titanic.

1. Meteor

Don’t rule it out completely, but also don’t become obsessively worried about it. If someone asks what you think probably won’t happen today, you should answer, “meteor.”

Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and you're the reason she's here.

Laneia has written 929 articles for us.

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