Top Ten Terrible Things That Probably Won’t Happen to You Today

by Riese & Laneia

After the Great Multi-Day Autostraddle Outage of June 2010, we thought it was impossible to have yet another significant problem with our web hosting company. Then, yesterday, we did. But the world isn’t totally spiraling out of control you guys don’t worry.

We initially defined this list yesterday w/out wordpress, books or research, just like the old days, when there were no pencils.

Top Ten Terrible Things That Probably Won’t Happen To you Today

10. Dysentery

It looks like you probably won’t get dysentery today, unless you’re on the Oregon Trail, like Nicole:

9. Cholera

We’ve learned that this is still fairly common in some parts of the world, but you’re not in those parts; you’re on a computer or maybe your new HTC Evo or iPad.

8. Atomic bomb

An atomic bomb is a big deal, and having one dropped on your country would more or less define your existence, but it’s unlikely to happen today.

7. Being thrown from your horse and buggy

Unless you’re Amish, but if you were Amish, you wouldn’t be reading this.

6. Scurvy

I guess this could still happen to you, but it probably won’t. Carly suggests drinking orange juice to prevent scurvy.

5. Drowning on the Titanic

Definitely not going to happen. This should be on a new list titled, “Top Ten Terrible Things That Definitely Won’t Happen to You Today.” That list would be superior to this list, in the same way that the Chi brand hair straightener is superior to all other hair straighteners. But also more expensive.

4. Being punched by a waitress for no reason

Unless you’re Lindsay Lohan.

3. Amnesia

This may only happen in made-for-TV movies and in soap operas, but even if it does happen in real life, I don’t think it’s going to happen to you. And the likelihood of it happening today is even slimmer.

2. Dinosaur attack

This one goes on the other list with the Titanic.

1. Meteor

Don’t rule it out completely, but also don’t become obsessively worried about it. If someone asks what you think probably won’t happen today, you should answer, “meteor.”

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lnj has written 310 articles for us.


  1. Thanks for keeping everything in perspective! For what we all complain about (job, love life, weight, etc.) life could be a whole lot worse.

    I second the Top Ten Cookies list only if it includes a chocolate-coconut-macadamia nut cookie.

  2. Amber Benson probably won’t show up at my door and ask to have sex with me.

    Probably not, but hope springs eternal.

  3. I have a rant about #7. I had to drive two Amish dudes to a conveince store to get supplies they lost in a bad storm. What supplies did they purchase? A fucking case of Red Bull. And one of them spent the drive back to the campground playing on his iPhone. So yeah, you might be Amish and reading this and be thrown from your horse and buggy. ARE YOU READING THIS AMISH DUDE?! Because guess what, you smelled really bad and made my ice cream cake melt.

    • Ok, isn’t an iPhone under the umbrella of Evil-Technologies-That-Push-You-Away-From-God? Have the Amish relaxed their standards of self reliance (and can I friend the Amish Church on Facebook)?

    • were they amish teenagers? isn’t there some thing where teenagers leave the amish community for a little while and are allowed to do all the bad stuff and then they decide if they want to go back or not? something like that happens. i think there was even a reality tv show about it, like amish teenagers living in a trailer and drinking and stuff.

      • it’s called devil’s playground, it’s a documentary, it’s really good and it’s also been adapted for tv. it’s about the year they spend away from home deciding if they want to be a part of the amish community 4 lyfe or if they want to be like regular people.

          • I’ve always thought that was an awesome name. Like you should shout it out with a beer in your hand while getting ready to cannonball into the pool off of a roof. “WOOOOOO! RUMSPRINGAAAAA!!!”

          • I think of it like girls yelling “SPRING BREAK!” and then showing their boobies.

    • They might have been Amish teens on their rumspringa, their time to interact with the more typical world and make their decision about being baptized into the Amish church or joining the “English” world. Or there are sects like Beachy Amish and a lot of Mennonite groups that are much more relaxed. But still, an iPhone would probably be pushing it if they weren’t teenagers, but you’ve always got the rebellious ones somewhere!

      • The one using the iPhone was probably about 30. He was with his family, and definitely not on rumspringa. Also, they were Amish and not Mennonite. I appreciate the suggestions, though!

    • Are you sure they were not Mennonite? They tend to have less technology restrictions.

  4. I just heard this depressing This American Life about a guy whose body goes to sleep every time he’s happy. So he can’t touch a puppy (which I found most upsetting), see his grandkids, enjoy being with his wife… without kind of crumpling and being unable to move.

    So that’s #11 on this list for me and I’m going to enjoy not having dysentery and enjoy that I can enjoy that without crumpling.

    Happy Friday everyone.

    • this was the saddest this american life i’ve ever listened to. it made me want to cry a thousand tears.

      • oh my god, that’s a thing? i need to know how that works, neurochemically, immediately. also, can y’all ladeez link it?

        • I think if you go to the This American Life website and click on the radio archives, it’s the program from June 4, 2010 entitled “Held Hostage”.

    • I felt really sad when his wife was talking about the effect it had on her. Especially when she said that she couldn’t be around him as much anymore because she essentially made him sick .

  5. The girls at my high school used to trade Chi hair products like prison inmates do cigarettes/people. Clearly superior indeed.

    Oh yeah also this list brought me lots of lolz.

  6. my sister’s getting a chi for her birthday. i should probably try to be nicer to her but she’s weirdly conservative and just told me that everyone has to be related because of adam and eve, DUH.

    yeah, i think i’ll just buy one.

  7. This and any of the #firstworld problems pretty much kept me from worrying about anything serious for a while. I too have given into the mighty power of the Chi.

  8. This made me smile. It started with the Ripley picture in the link, and then Kate Winslet. And also the reassurance that dinosaurs probs won’t eat me any time soon.

    What I’m getting at is this made me have good feelings. I often have a hard time deciding what is my favourite thing happening on Autostraddle at any given moment. But today, that thing is this. <3

  9. I’ll admit none of that shite has happened to me today!


    1) Failed my driving test for the FOURTH time!
    2) Fell off the treadmill at the gym – Mortified
    3) Been bitten by mossies so badly I look like I have a skin disease
    4) Found out my mother is more homophobic than I already knew!

    Oh happy days! Note I am not looking for another 6 things to round my shite day off to 10!!!

  10. how did you know i needed this today! i was feeling all doomy because i lost my voice at pride and it hasn’t come back yet. but now i know that it’s ok because i will probably not get hit by a meteor.

  11. My roommate informed me last week that I got Dysentery on the Oregon Trail, and I died.

    I think it’s unlikely to happen again today, but the way this week is going …

  12. Sweet list!

    But I haven’t heard of Chi hair straighteners before. Are they like a karmic US version of GHD’s?

  13. From my experience with various web hosting companies, the 99.9% uptime (or other comparable figure) is very misleading. Usually the system works fine while everything else goes haywire.

  14. You know what is terrible? Not being able to read autostraddle on my home Internet connection. I keep getting page not found messages & it’s really upsetting. It has been happening since the great autostraddle outage 2010 :( at least I can still read autostradle though, I guess.

  15. This, while being amusing, also reminds me to be grateful that my life really isn’t so bad. It’s easy to get caught up in the little things and focus on the negative, but most people who have access to read these type of lists on the internet have it better than they ever imagined.

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