Forget Astrological order — defy the whims of the cosmos with me for a moment and consider the tangible magic of the real world within which we live, breathe, fuck, love, and perish in an infinite and beautiful loop. I am here to tell you there is a much better way to decipher everything you need to know about someone, and that is a person’s go-to McDonald’s sandwich.

Plus, with this handy list, now you can say things like “I warned you about them, they’re a McDouble! You know that McDouble’s and Big Macs don’t work romantically, it was doomed from the start!”

Here is your New Zodiac.

Bold and/or brassy and frequently a combination of the two, a Quarter Pounder is loud, proud, and headstrong. The first through the door in the crisis and the last to leave. A Quarter Pounder knows what they love, and they choose to love it as loud as a thousand cannons shooting out over an angry ocean. A Quarter Pounder can be too much for some and not enough for others, forever walking the fine line between acceptance and abandonment. A Quarter Pounder is not for everyone, but all who find themselves in the embrace of one know how it feels to be not just loved, but protected.

You love a little luxury in your life: the finest fabrics, blankets that are always the perfect temperature, and a lil treat that’s just for you. You are, as your Quarter Pounder counterpart, loud and proud, but a Double Quarter Pounder also desires to see anyone in their orbit share in the richness of their world. The finest things on this earth or the next are here for the thrill of the ages, and why should we not revel in them? To deny ourselves the pleasures of life runs counter to everything a Double Quarter Pounder holds dear.

A Big Mac is BUSY! Like, so busy. When people ask you how a Big Mac is? Busy. When they ask you how a big Mac feels? Busy. What does a Big Mac want for..BUSY! God, how many times do I have to…sorry. A Big Mac has a lot to do and not enough time to see it all come to fruition. Some might look at a Big Mac and worry they have taken too much on in this life, but what they cannot see is that there is more burden that a Big Mac is willing to carry if asked. A Big Mac, while busy and stressed like…all the time, is also dependable and iconic. A Big Mac will never turn you away when you call their name.

Filet O Fishes are stubborn, headstrong, and bullish. The emotional core of a Filet O’ Fish is the heaving waters of an impending wave waiting for the right push to rise to a boastful crescendo. Many will see a Filet as difficult, hard to get into, and harder still to learn to love. But once you come to cross that bridge to the heart of a Filet, you will find there is no turning away from the tangy bite of their love. Filets are acquired, never earned, and a bond that will never break.

While some will say that a Cheeseburger is too simple, an easy decision made by one burdened by indecisiveness, those same people are too quick to write a Cheeseburger off. To be a Cheeseburger is to be so full and rich of the spirit of the natural world that you require nothing more. A cheeseburger never aspires to be something they are not, nor do they shrink away from a challenge. In a world so loud with the brash bellow of the boisterous, a Cheeseburger never needs to tell anyone who they are, as they are so confident in themselves that it is up to the individual to come to appreciate the richness of one so comfortable with never needing to be more than they are in order to be happy.

A dependable icon, a Hamburger is the building block of all that is. Some might be too cavalier to use the words basic bitch, but a Hamburger is anything but. A Hamburger is one who has been here before and seen some shit and honestly is tired of the whole thing. They are of luxury — but the overlooked luxury of necessity. We do not always need all this hustle and bustle, and a Hamburger sees that so clearly. They want the thrill of comfort, and to know comfort in simplicity is to know a bliss that many will overlook in their quest for more than they need.

A McChicken is many things, sometimes spicy, sometimes bland, but always with a quick and crispy bite. A McChicken likes to walk alone but be in sight of the pack, choosing their own path carefully and with much grace. To know a McChicken is to love them, and often you will find a McChicken being spoken about in revered tones. Everyone knows they love a red meat burger, but the adventurous few who walk on parallel lines to their fellows speak of a love greater and truer than anyone has ever known. It is not a path for everyone, mind you, and one has to be mindful to never take a McChicken for granted — or to ask more of them than they are able to give. A McChicken is many things, but they are first and foremost easily overburdened with expectations.

An Egg McMuffin is an early riser, a do-er. They crave action, adventure and are not overly fond of waiting for it to happen. An Egg McMuffin is eager to take the reins themselves and kickstart the next phase of whatever section of life they are embarking upon. While an Egg McMuffin comes in many permutations, the core of their being remains the same. They can be overzealous, rising too early in the day with a fire in their hearts that wears out its welcome when the morning turns to the heat of the middle of the day. An Egg McMuffin can be both adored and a nuisance, two halves of a spinning coin.

A McDouble is not known by everyone. Often, they are that person who people will speak of with an added proviso explaining who they are. A McDouble is someone you are sure you’ve met once before, at that thing that one time in some imperceptible past, but you never think to call on them in the present. A McDouble prefers it that way, to be away from the limelight and to be adored only by those who remember to call on them. They don’t need the heat of the centre stage, preferring the gravitas of the side. A McDouble knows who they are, knows they are not for everyone, and are happy to make a new bond with someone who might love them.

An Angus is intimidating. An Angus is a powerhouse standing in the corner of a room regaling everyone with the stories of where they have been, and even though you know they’re littered with half-truths and verifiable lies, you cannot help but be drawn into their orbit. An Angus is strong, but a little much sometimes, and often too busy. An Angus can open a really hard-to-open jar, and someone once swore every Angus they know can open a beer bottle with their teeth. An Angus is actually quite sweet inside, but to many, the intimidating nature of an Angus is a wall they cannot bring themselves to mount.

You don’t like the narrow path, nor the pathways you see. Chicken Nuggets never crave the immediacy of vibrant pleasure offered by the burgers of the world around them. They seek desire doled out in small portions, sometimes coated in a sweetness unknown to their peers and others still sour and spicy. Chicken Nuggets dislike to be alone, preferring the company of like-minded compatriots with whom they can move through the world with the assured safety of numbers. It is always nice to be perceived by those who share your same traits, and Chicken Nuggets simply prefer the loving embrace of their own kind to the chaotic unknown of what is outside their orbit. Chicken Nuggets are not superior, nor are they worse than anyone else. They are just wholly different in a way that is often a perfect companion to other sandwich types.

A McRib comes around so rarely that they are mythical, like Brigadoon. A McRib is often feared lost entirely, turned to ash and dust and spread to the wind never to become so real you can hold them again. But a McRib just prefers the solitude of slumber and privacy, to stay away when they feel they are not needed. They do not crave the constant battering ram of attention — a McRib chooses their time to appear in public wisely. When they do show their face, a McRib revels in the adoration of the moment, knowing their time in this space is limited. A McRib loves to party, but a McRib also has a voice in the back of their head that says “when no one is looking, let’s get the fuck out of here” and they love that about themselves.

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